Day Sixty-Three: Hypothetically...
"Hey, I've got a weird, hypothetical question for you."
Olaf looks at me like I just gave him a surprise birthday gift. "Ooh, how exciting!" he says earnestly, "Tell me, I'm all ears."
I roll my eyes, "It's not that big of a deal." Actually it kind of is, and it's something that's been on my mind since I tore that house up with Aurora. I pick at the pillow in my lap, hoping he doesn't notice. "It's just...hypothetically, if one of us were to get into a relationship this year, how would that affect the contest?"
I think he may have told me something about this like in the beginning, but it's been two months and I can't remember everything he's said. Unlike with some people…
He raises an eyebrow, "Don't you remember me telling you about that at the end of week two?" When I shake my head, he sighs- almost like he's disappointed that I don't write down our dialogue like this is a fucking screenplay.
"Well, entering into a relationship with anyone other than your ex isn't against the rules per se, but it could make things a little more difficult. Your ex might get jealous or distraught that you've found someone else in your life and might move out to save themselves from a repeated heartbreak. Or they might get in the way of your relationship, causing a rift between the two of you that could lead to the both of you signing a release form. It's a tricky line to balance."
"Yeah, tell me about it," I mutter.
"Soooooo who's the girl?"
"There isn't one," I snap back. "And even if there was one- which there isn't- I wouldn't be telling you. That was only a hypothetical question that came to my mind right now." And yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that…
"Mmhmm." He isn't even looking at me anymore, he's writing something down on his stupid clipboard. I wonder if he's actually writing anything about these check-ins, for all I know he might just be writing his grocery list. Or, you know, a screenplay. "Does Elsa know about her?"
"No," I reply quickly.
...fuck.
He doesn't even need to say anything, the shit-eating grin he's sporting says enough. I try and pretend my pillow is his neck and dig my hands into the cover. I groan, "What the hell are you writing about now? I didn't even say anything!"
"You said a word, aaaaaaand I am writing down that word in my report."
"Looks like you're writing more than that."
Olaf puts down his clipboard and sets it on the coffee table, the paper on it definitely looks official and has a lot of notes written on it. And I don't see a single food item listed down. Maybe he put it down as a means of gaining my trust, which will never happen but I appreciate the gesture. "Don't worry Anna, remember what I told you in our first session? Everything you say stays between me and you. Even secret girlfriends that your roommate has no idea about."
I stand up, "Are we done here?"
He smiles innocently, "Mmhmm! Could you get Elsa for me?"
"With pleasure," I mutter after rolling my eyes. Again, finding something to say to Elsa is kind of a difficult thing to do because we haven't been talking much (and water is wet). It makes me wonder if our relationship is ever gonna be normal for longer than like two weeks. It makes me wonder what our relationship even is. I put that thought of my mind for the moment, it's best that I don't dwell on something I can't answer.
Can't...or won't?
Ugh, I'm just gonna knock on the fucking door.
She opens it after a couple of seconds. I'm expecting her usual droopy, brooding look she sports every Sunday, but that doesn't seem to be the case this week.
Her eyes are bright and awake, she's wearing an oversized t-shirt and sweatpants which means she's probably not going anywhere anytime soon, and she looks happy to see me. I mean she's smiling, I'm not sure how genuine it is, but it's still better than a straight face. She's even making eye contact and everything, which I'll admit is kinda making me a little nervous.
It's different than what I'm used to, but I'm not sure it's a good different.
"Hey," she says in a way that's not too eager to be suspicious (too late), but not too depressing either. "Thanks for getting me."
I blink, "Uh, no problem." What is this? No sad remarks? No moving past me to get her check-in out of the way? Have we finally turned a corner in our weird, fucked up relationship? I'm probably looking too much into this, but then again I've been doing that a lot recently. And not just with her.
Don't get me wrong, it is nice to see her smile and have some happiness in her voice. If she is actually happy, that is. Despite everything, seeing her happy still succeeds in making me happy. I can't help it, she just has that effect on me.
Elsa's made her way on to the couch, and that's my cue to get back in my room. I sneak one last glance at her, and she gives me a quick, little wave before turning her attention back to Olaf.
I try to go back to sleep, hoping that a couple more hours of rest will stop my mind from running around in circles, but it's useless. The damn thing is running a marathon.
I gotta do something, staying cooped up in this room is just gonna make me do more thinking, and right now I don't want to think. Going to the gym could buy me a couple of hours, but after that, I gotta come back. All my friends are either out of town or doing their own Sunday morning routine, so I can't call them up. I could hope that Elsa forgot about the weird tension between us, but I know she hasn't. Which leaves one last saving grace: Aurora.
I don't even think about it that long, I pull out my phone and message her: Hey, you up?
I let my phone fall onto my chest, waiting anxiously for a reply. I usually get a text from her around this time anyway since she actually has a job and needs to wake up this early. And I know that she's always gonna reply, so why am I so anxious? I think it's because this is the first time I've ever reached out to her. Usually, she's the one that texts first, and I'm along for the ride. This time it feels like I'm making my intentions known.
When we were at that house, it felt like there were moments where...I don't know, maybe something could have happened. Or started to happen, anyway. I mean it's obvious my question for Olaf wasn't for a hypothetical scenario, I clearly want something with Aurora. I just don't know what, and I don't even know if the feelings are mutual.
A relationship? Well yeah. Long-term? I...I don't know. I don't know if that's something I can let myself get wrapped up in again. And what about Elsa? Where does she fit into this? Would she get upset if me and Aurora started dating? Would it hurt her? Would it even matter to her?
Would it even matter to me?
Fucking...there I go again, asking myself questions I don't want the answers to. I close my eyes again, hoping that I've given myself a long enough break from trying to get some sleep to actually go to sleep. But not even a minute goes by when I'm startled by a sound.
Not my phone buzzing, but a knock on my door. A cutesy, familiar knock.
"Anna?" Elsa says softly through the door. "You still awake?"
Unfortunately. "Yeah."
"...are you still dressed?"
Why would- oh, that's right. "Yeah, I still have clothes on."
"Uh...could I come in?"
That is a very good question, and right now I hate questions of any kind. But I already told Elsa I'm awake and dressed, I just have to hope this conversation isn't as bad as I'm dreading it'll be. I swear if she asks me again to tell her what we are, I'm gonna lock my room and never come out.
Ah shit, what if she has an answer for what we are?
"Yeah sure," I say before I can dwell on that for much longer. I sit up, wrapping my blanket around my shoulders to signify that while I might be awake, I don't plan on leaving my room.
She opens the door slowly, still dressed up like she's ready for a slumber party. "I just got done with my check-in a minute ago."
"Oh. How'd it go?"
"Good. How about you?"
I shrug, "Just fine, I didn't have any complaints and he asked the same questions he's been asking for weeks."
She giggles, "You think he's going to shake it up one of these days?"
Oh if only she knew. "Probably, I mean he doesn't seem like the type to keep doing the same old thing for too long. He can barely sit still for like five seconds."
"I know, right? And isn't the way he taps his clipboard all the time kind of annoying?" Elsa's leaning on my door frame and the smile on her face reminds me of the Elsa that I used to know. For now, it feels like things are the way they used to be. No fighting, no screaming, no hurtful comments, no crying, it's good. And yet I'm still nervous, because it's too good.
I do what I've been pretty good at so far and hide that nervousness. "Kind of? I can't even count how many times I've wanted to stab him with that pen."
"Remember when we tried baking a pie at my apartment and you almost cut off your finger?"
"How could I forget? It was the first and last time I tried baking anything."
"Oh come on, it wasn't that bad."
"So you're telling me you wouldn't have minded having a part of my finger in your pie?" Elsa snickers and hides her mouth behind her hand. It doesn't take long for my dumb ass to figure out what's so funny. "Shut up! That came out wrong!"
"It really wasn't that bad, honestly."
I roll my eyes and tug the blanket over my shoulders more to try and hide the blush on my cheeks. "Okay, well you were dating me so you were pretty biased."
"Well we're not dating right now."
Ah, there's the awkward tension. The thickness of it hits us both seemingly at the same time. Elsa looks down at the floor and bites her cheek, I bite my lip and snuggle into my fuzzy blanket shell.
Elsa coughs, "Uh, that came out wrong. Can we just move on?"
"Gladly," I respond.
"Good. Um, well...yeah, I was wondering if we could talk. About us?"
"I feel like that's all we talk about nowadays." That was meant to be a joke, Elsa doesn't laugh, and now I feel like an ass. "Sorry, I was trying to make a joke."
"No, I-I got that. But you're kind of right, I think." She takes a step towards me, looking like she's wary that I'll bite her head off. When I don't, she continues, "Ever since your birthday, though, when I asked you what we were- and then yesterday when you asked me about it- I've been lost in my thoughts trying to figure it out."
"Oh…"
"Would it- I mean, would you be okay if we talked about it?"
No, but I've learned that I'll never feel okay talking about us. It's obvious that this will always be a touchy subject, no matter how much we think things through or gain the courage to push through the conversation. But it always feels worse to leave things unsaid.
Besides, don't I want this? Don't I want to stop feeling so awkward around Elsa? If we finally just have the talk about what we are to each other and how the hell we're really going to get along this year, it would save us from so much drama and headache. It's smart to talk about this now, Elsa even seems like she has her answer.
But I don't.
And that's what's holding me back, I don't want to make up some bullshit on the spot, but committing to a single truth about what I think of Elsa is like trying to describe color to a blind person. It's frustrating, the answer feels like it's on the tip of my tongue, and I swear this isn't me being my stubborn asshole self, I just can't get the words out. But Elsa seems like she wants an answer now, or she at least wants to say hers. And if she says hers, she'll probably want to know mine, and I- ugh! I fucking hate this!
Elsa's waiting for an answer, five fucking feet away from me, hoping that I can be an adult that has adult conversations. I open my mouth to say...something, anything, and that's when my phone starts buzzing. The distraction I was hoping for a million years ago.
I pull it up and look to see Aurora's name flashed on my screen, she's calling me. I look to Elsa, and she just gives me a small smile and nod as if to say go ahead. I answer the call with a clearly nervous, "What's up?"
"Hey Red, I got your text. You missing me already?"
I look at Elsa, who's doing nothing other than waiting patiently with a small smile on her face and her hands wrung together. I should keep this conversation short, and not sound too excited to hear from Aurora. Even though I really, really am. "Is it that obvious?"
"Haha, weeeeellll I'm in the area. You wanna hang out again? I told my job to suck it anyway and I really don't wanna see my roommate right now, so I've got the day off."
I shouldn't. I really, really shouldn't. I'm looking at my options right now- stay here and have an awkward but needed conversation with my ex-girlfriend, or ditch her and spend time with this new girl I have a massive crush on- and the answer seems pretty obvious. But I really shouldn't. I can't imagine the amount of courage Elsa had to build up to even come into my room right now, but at the same time...I'm not ready yet. So even though I really shouldn't, I do it anyway.
"Yeah sure," I tell Aurora.
"Just what I wanted to hear. I'll be there in five minutes."
"See you soon."
She hangs up, but not before I hear the familiar sound of her motorcycle starting. The silence after the dial tone cuts straight through the relief I got from talking to Aurora. Now I'm left alone to break the bad news to Elsa, who's clearly trying to mask the disappointment on her face. I think she already knows what I'm going to say before I say it.
"I'm so sorry, Elsa," I tell her as my stomach starts feeling uneasy from the shame, "But I gotta go somewhere."
A/N: Told y'all I'd be back on January 1st.