Chapter 15: Odi Et Amo

The next few days passed with little incident.

Class was tedious. Hairo was loud. Nendou was an idiot. For Saiki, it was business as usual. Even Kaidou had been his (ab)normal self. It was a little strange. After spending the night with him, he expected things to be different somehow. He had readied himself for the hushed gossip upon entering the classroom, the sneering jibes from Toritsuka, perhaps even tears from Teruhashi. Above all else, he had at least thought Kaidou might shoot him a nervous glance or two. Instead, he had been met each day by nothing but normality. The only thing to have changed, it seemed, was the weather. Tuesday's storm was now gone, replaced by soaring temperatures and glorious sunshine.

Saiki currently sat at home by the window, enjoying a much-needed break. Things had changed dramatically over the last few weeks. He needed to rest both his body and mind, or else he would never make sense of it all. Sitting by the open window and eating coffee jelly was a good start. He smiled as a gentle breeze washed over him, cooling his skin. The last few days had been particularly strange, but there was no denying their impact. Although they had tested him greatly, there was at least a little more clarity to his feelings now. Having had time to think, he had come to realise that he liked Kaidou a great deal and that there was no shame in that. They had grown close and that was, he realised, great, but how much closer did he want to get? This was where the clarity ended. He liked his company, his personality, his eyes even, but what did it all mean? He knew there was a line somewhere between a friendship and a relationship, but he didn't know where. Still, it felt like he was walking this line like a tightrope, teetering over both sides, his heart and mind pulling him in either direction. To be able to navigate that line with confidence, he needed to answer two questions. Firstly, when did attachment become attraction? Secondly, and more importantly, when did 'to like' become… to love?

Saiki sighed as he finished off the last spoonful of his coffee jelly. Optimistically, he hoped answers might present themselves before Kaidou chose to express his feelings for him. He needed to know he was making the right choice, whatever that was to be.

From beside him came a now familiar pinging sound. He reached for his phone and opened up his messages to find a notification. Unsurprisingly, it was from Kaidou.

Saiki! it read, are you at home? answer quick!

The urgency of it was enough to make him uneasy; nevertheless, he was quick to respond.

Yes, I am. What is it you need?

He stared vacantly at the screen, waiting for a response. It only took a moment before he got one.

ah good good
well Nendou and a couple of the guys are going to the beach and I kinda said I'd go with them

Saiki had a feeling where this was going. He tried to feign ignorance.

So?

It didn't work.

will you come with?
I don't like swimming much and I don't want to be alone on the beach..
would get boring

It seemed as though Kaidou knew just how to tug on Saiki's heartstrings, even if it wasn't intentional. He knew that Kaidou couldn't actually swim, so if he didn't come along then he could end up drowning in an attempt to fit in with the others. Saiki, of course, could not allow himself to take that chance. Moreover, mentioning he may get lonely without him was enough to obliterate any possibility of him now saying no. He sighed, knowing how much he hated the beach.

Okay, he typed out. What time are you going? Reluctant was not nearly strong enough a word to describe his unwillingness to join him, but it seemed as though the 'Kaidou Effect' had won the day once more.

um, well we are on your street right now..
see you in 2 mins?

Saiki's eyes widened, scarcely believing the words on his screen. He looked up and out the window, his eyes drawn to the group of adolescents marching down his road. After a brief moment in which he considered teleporting to Nepal and living out his days as a goatherder, he composed himself and went into action, throwing some beach-worthy clothes on and grabbing a towel from the bathroom. Running downstairs, he needlessly checked he was wearing his germanium ring (there was no way he was going to the beach of all places without it) before standing by the door, ready to leave. As he slipped his shoes on and straightened out his floral-patterned shorts, he thought to himself: would I do this for anyone else? The answer was a resounding no. The fact that he had dropped everything to join a group of his, quite frankly, irritating classmates at what would be a crowded beach was just another example of the lengths he was apparently willing to go to to keep Kaidou happy.

He stepped out the door and into the sunshine, closing and locking it behind him. Immediately he was spotted by the group. He kept his head low as a shirtless Nendou approached him.

"Hey partner!" he shouted, directly in his face.

Saiki gave him his usual stony-faced frown and moved on past. Hairo then greeted him, as did Toritsuka who unironically fired finger guns his way. Teruhashi, with a blush, was next. Her brother, Makoto, simply glared at him. Yumehara gave him a cheery wave while Kuboyasu acknowledged him with a nod. Only one person remained.

"Saiki!" Kaidou enthused. "I knew you'd come!"

"I am here, yes," responded Saiki, trying to suppress a smile.

"Alright," yelled Nendou, "now Saiki's here we can get going. ONWARD to the beach!"

As they began to walk, Kaidou hung back, trailing the group. Saiki joined him.

"Sorry it was such short notice," Kaidou said, quieter than before.

"Not a problem."

"You're looking… uhm, nice."

Saiki gave him a sideways glance.

"I mean! You look, err, different!" he corrected, waving his arms around. "Very, uhm, summery is what I mean."

It was a strange compliment, but Saiki appreciated it nonetheless. It didn't matter that Kaidou didn't exactly have a way with words; it just felt nice to know he cared about such trivial things.

"Thanks. You look good too."

"I-I do?!"

"Yeah, sure. Why not?"

It was the truth. He looked a lot better now than he did the last time they had visited the beach. Back then he had worn, if Saiki remembered correctly, a purple collared shirt, navy shorts and sandals. Now he wore a thin, black bomber jacket and a pair of black boardshorts patterned with two red dragons. Completing the look was a pair of black flipflops. It was rather stylish, suave almost. For those who didn't know of his frailty and occasional cowardice, he could almost be mistaken for being 'cool'.

"That's nice of you to say, Saiki…" He scratched the back of his neck bashfully and gave him an awkward smile.

"Are you not hot? Wearing black in this weather?"

"Oh no, this is only a thin jacket! And besides, I'm not wearing a shirt underneath."

While Kaidou laughed a little, Saiki gulped down a strange but weighty feeling of anticipation. He tried not to dwell on it.

A sudden shout from up ahead prompted the two of them to get a move on. They conversed freely for a while, with Saiki enjoying their idle chatter. It calmed him slightly. It felt natural and easy; it didn't exhaust him like the one-sided, bothersome exchanges he was sometimes forced into with his other classmates. When they did finally reach the beach, they had fallen so far behind that the group had already laid out towels on the sand. They approached and set down their things close by. Saiki managed to find a cool spot beneath one of the large parasols the group appeared to have claimed.

"Mh… Saiki?" came a voice from beside him. It was Teruhashi.

"Yes?"

"Will you… maybe, rub some lotion onto my back?" she asked, fluttering her eyelashes. As she did so, she pulled the belt from around her waist, the light dress she was wearing falling to the sand to reveal a tight-fitting teal bikini. Everyone gasped. Producing a bottle of sunscreen, she lay down on her stomach and awaited Saiki's hands. But those hands never came. He, unlike the others, was immune to her beauty and charm. Not that he blamed them for succumbing to her looks. She was, in her own right, a goddess. But Saiki was no mere mortal.

"No, sorry," he replied flatly. "But I'm sure Nendou would be willing to lend a hand."

"Urgh! No thanks," she shrieked, Nendou's shadow looming over her.

"Alright team!" Hairo shouted, clapping his hands together. "It's time to hit the water!"

The heat was intense so there was little complaint amongst the group. Everyone was soon stripping off into their swimwear, except Kaidou and Saiki.

"You two not coming?" Toritsuka asked.

Kaidou squirmed a little.

"No, not today," answered Saiki, saving him the embarrassment of pretending he could swim. "We'll just stay here and watch everyone's things."

Toritsuka shrugged and turned to leave, but not before raising his eyebrow and shooting Saiki a knowing glance. A moment later, and they were alone together. There were people everywhere of course, but the noise they were making was nothing when compared to the mental static he could have been picking up had he not remembered to wear his ring.

"Thanks, Saiki…" Kaidou turned to him and smiled. Saiki nodded and smiled back.

"I hate the beach," he admitted.

"Really? Why?"

"Too crowded."

"I guess that's true, but I really like it. I think it's nice to look at, the sand and the sea."

"I guess."

"Would you like it more if there was nobody else here?"

"Maybe." Saiki's mind was briefly taken back to the scene of Kaidou's drawing. "But what's the point in such a place existing if no-one gets to see it except for me?"

Kaidou laughed. "So you'd prefer, like, a private little section of it, just for you."

"Well, maybe not just for me. II think I'd like to share it with someone, perhaps."

"Who?"

"Someone."

"But who?!"

"Someone!" Caught in his own thoughts, Saiki could only repeat himself. Thankfully Kaidou eased off.

"Okay okay," he laughed, laying back on his towel. Saiki did the same. There was a brief silence before Kaidou spoke up once more. "Urgh, it's so hot. Reminds of that time in class when Dark Reunion laid a trap to burn up the bandages on my arms in a futile attempt to release the power of my black beat. Nothing burns brighter than the spirit of the Jet Black Wings, though."

Saiki wasn't sure what he was drivelling about; the only comparable incident he could think of was when Kaidou had scolded himself on a Bunsen burner in chemistry class. Needless to say, he cried until the teacher sent him home. Saiki's attention waned for a moment, his eyes almost fluttering shut. That was until he heard the sound of a zipper being pulled beside him. He sat up and glanced over, only to find Kaidou in the process of removing his jacket. He hadn't seemed to notice Saiki's wandering gaze; reclining once more, he closed his eyes and lay still. Saiki watched in apparent fascination as his chest slowly rose and fell with each breath he took. A flicker of heat singed his cheeks. He studied him intently, taking note of how much paler he appeared up close. His skin clung tightly to what little muscle he had, making his ribs visible for Saiki to trace. Below, his flat stomach narrowed into a thin waist, his hipbones sharp and prominent. Beneath his navel lay a smooth, distinctly hairless patch of skin, cut tantalising short by the top of his shorts. Saiki felt the urge to touch it.

He tore his eyes away and quickly lay back down. He couldn't explain why, but he was drawn to his body; it demanded his attention. The inexplicable urge to look and touch was not something he had felt prior to noticing Kaidou in the locker room, and here he was again. It wasn't normal. Friendships didn't go like this.

"Think I'm gonna' get some ice cream," Kaidou declared, rising from his towel. "Want some?"

"Uhm, yeah. Sure."

Kaidou smiled and, with a little wave, began to make his way towards the ice cream van not too far from where they were sat. Saiki watched him walk, shamelessly admiring his bare back. It seemed he wasn't the only one. Two girls close by looked on, with one mouthing to the other, "he's cute."

Saiki's fingers clenched into fists, a bitter feeling beginning to boil away in his chest. For some reason, he felt resentment towards the two girls. It was a sensation that was so familiar, and yet, at the same time, so new. The emotion he felt, he was afraid to admit, was jealousy. He knew it well. He felt it every single day towards every living person. They had the one thing he did not have: a normal life. This didn't feel like that kind of jealousy though. He had become numb to the usual bouts of envy a long time ago; this was new, and it took him by surprise. He didn't resent the girls because he felt entitled. No, this was something else. It was deep-seated and distressing, as if he was in danger of losing something.

As the girls got up and made their way down to the sea, Saiki spotted Kaidou heading back, two ice cream cones in hand. He was looking at them and they were looking at him. Without thinking, Saiki took off his shirt, threw it to the floor and rushed over to Kaidou.

"Oh! Saiki…" he exclaimed upon seeing him, "you didn't have to come meet me you know, I was going to bring it to you!"

"I… thought you might get lost," he lied.

Kaidou just laughed, handing Saiki an ice cream cone. His gaze dropped as he noticed his now bare chest. He turned away bashfully, his cheeks colouring.

"You, uhm, get hot just lying there?"

"I did."

Saiki glanced over his shoulder to see the girls still watching. Perhaps he was overreacting. Perhaps he had misread what the girl had said. Perhaps there was a simple explanation for this.

He didn't believe any of that.

"Anyway," he projected, "let's go sit down and eat before it melts." Ushering Kaidou ahead, he moved alongside him until they were walking side by side. As he did so, he reached out with his free hand and placed it on the small of his back. It was a simple enough gesture; he was just guiding him along. At least, that's what he told himself. Kaidou flinched slightly upon feeling the contact, but he continued onwards as if nothing had happened. Presumably he was trying not to read too much into it. When they arrived back at their spot, they sat and quietly ate their ice cream. Saiki scanned the area as they did so, keeping an eye out for the two girls. He couldn't help but feel he was being a little too possessive. Any self-respecting man would want to help their friend when it came to finding romance, not hinder them. Still, he felt that Kaidou was too good for either of them. He deserved someone who would take care of him, someone who would do anything to protect him…

A shout from down by the sea signalled his classmates return. Saiki finished up his ice cream and thanked Kaidou for going to get it.

"Not a problem," he replied.

"How much was it?"

"Pfft, come on Saiki. You don't have to pay me."

"But I want to. It wouldn't be fair."

"Don't worry about it! How about you just buy me a coffee again sometime. It's been a while since we last did that together."

Saiki smiled. "Sure. I'll do that."

Kaidou munched the remaining pieces of cone and gave him a toothy smile in return, unaware that a small blob of ice cream now clung to his chin. Without hesitation, Saiki reached over and wiped it away, his finger continuing to lightly brush his skin long after.

"That good, huh?" he smirked.

Kaidou laughed a little, clearly embarrassed.

The pair looked up as Nendou stormed up the beach towards them, the rest of the group in tow.

"PHEW! That is so much better," he yelled, diving back onto his towel.

"Why did this guy even have to come?" Makoto complained, sitting back down and staring daggers at Nendou. "You… how dare you make a mess of my dear Kokomi's hair with your puerile splashing."

Teruhashi arrived next and, as Makoto had said, her hair was dripping. She snatched up her towel and sat down in a huff. Toritsuka, Yumehara, Kuboyasu and Hairo followed, with the latter looking significantly less exhausted than the other three. They collapsed onto the sand, while Hairo began doing some push-ups.

"Remind me to never agree to a race with Hairo again," groaned Kuboyasu.

"I second that."

"Me too…"

Saiki paid them little attention, but the momentary distraction was enough for him to lose sight of the two girls he been keeping careful watch of. He looked around for a moment, panicking. It was then that he realised his lapse in concentration had been costly. To his absolute horror, he spotted one of the girls now tentatively heading his way. He rose to his feet, unsure of what to do. One thing was for certain, he wasn't going to let her near Kaidou.

Kaidou was his.

…his friend, that is. His friend… his friend…

As the girl approached, Saiki stood his ground.

"Hey, sorry to bother you," she said, "but my friend over there was wondering…" She pointed to her friend a distance away. She was sitting nervously, peeping through a gap in her hands. Saiki braced, ready to tell her Kaidou was off the market.

"…could she have your number? She thinks you're really cute."

Saiki blinked back at her. "Excuse me?"

"I'm saying she likes you. Would you want to exchange numbers with her?"

It all made sense now. It wasn't Kaidou they were after, it was him. Thankfully, he knew how to deal with girls that were attracted to him. Excuses and avoidance naturally did the trick, he had found.

"I'm already taken. Thanks, but no thanks."

The words slipped from his mind with immeasurable speed. The girl was taken aback and so was Saiki. The projection was so swift, so unerringly certain… and yet it was a complete lie. It was as if his subconscious had answered for him. This was not something he experienced often. Above all else, he had always been in control of his mind. Succumbing to impulse was only possible if he really wanted something. Or in this case, someone.

Saiki ignored the girl's disappointed face and sat back down amongst the group. He stared vacantly ahead. He had pieced it together, but he couldn't accept it. He wouldn't accept it. A relationship… with Kaidou. It was wrong, it had to be. He cared about him because he was his friend. He wanted to protect him because he was his friend. He wanted to see him smile because he was his friend. The jealousy he had felt, that was nothing. It was normal, wasn't it? It was because he… he was… the girl, she wasn't… she… he didn't…

The contradictions, the conflict, the lies. They were nauseating. He felt as though his thoughts was unravelling, his conscious and subconscious mind fighting against one another, tearing each other to pieces in a battle of logic and emotion. The relative clarity of the last few days, it seems, had been nothing more than the calm before the storm.

"Saiki, my man, what did that hottie want with you?" Toritsuka's voice echoes through Saiki's embattled head.

"Yeah, Saiki? Who was that?"

He looked up from his daze, only to find all of his classmates staring at him.

"Nothing. No-one," he answered bluntly.

"Pffft, dude. That was not no-one."

"Oh my god, Saiki!" screeched Yumehara. "Did she ask you for your number?"

"Ahh look at his face! She totally did!"

"You're a lucky guy, partner."

"She was so hot, I can't believe she wanted your number! Or was it the other chick she was pointing at who you ended up giving it to?"

He didn't need this right now.

"I didn't give anyone my number."

Toritsuka gave him a bewildered look. "Are you kidding me?!"

"What the hell man? Why?"

He stayed silent, not wanting to go into the matter any further. He now felt very uncomfortable.

Nendou put a massive hand on his shoulder. "Saiki. Let me ask you. Are you gay?"

Saiki looked up at him in total dismay.

"What?!" shouted Hairo, still mid workout. "Did someone just say that Saiki's gay?"

"NO! SAIKI CAN'T BE GAY," cried Teruhashi. "Then again, that would explain a few things…"

"Is he? Well good for you, man," added Kuboyasu.

"Oh my god I had no he was?! I totally should have known," prattled Yumehara.

Saiki had had enough. Given what he was going through, this was unbearable.

"NO!" he finally exploded. "I'm not gay! Nor did that girl even ask for my number. Now please, drop it."

Everyone fell silent. After a moment, they simply nodded and went about drying off after their swim. Saiki, on the other hand, had only just begun to realise the impact of what he had just said. He looked left and right, frantically trying to find the one person who he knew would be devastated by his words. It was to no avail. He had slipped away, no-one caring enough to even notice his absence. Saiki got up and desperately scanned the beach.

After a tense few minutes, he finally spotted a tuft of light blue hair heading under the pier.

He needed to fix this. He needed to tell Kaidou the truth.

Ripping the ring from his finger, he ran as fast as he could.