Thank you!

Chapter 15

Her fingers ran along the seam of her sleeve, landing on a small hole that needed to be patched. Over the past few days, it had begun to unravel from her anxious picking at her sleeve. She dipped her finger into the hole and began to pull at it, causing it to unravel a bit more. Continuing to mess with the hole, soon it had grown double in its size.

"Anna?" John's quiet voice pulled her out of her daze. She glanced up and saw concern covering his features. His eyes were on her fingers that were tugging on her sleeve. When he looked up at her, he sighed. Her brows knitted.

It was then she remembered she was in the Servant's Hall for lunch. Eyeing the room, she saw a couple pairs of eyes on her sleeve with the hole in its seam. She swallowed hard and quickly turned her arm so it would be hidden. Her eyes fell to her plate in an attempt to ignore the stares from others.

Next to her, John adjusted the napkin in his lap. He bent over to her and whispered into her ear, "Perhaps we should go home."

She shook her head. She had been back to work for three weeks now. Her body was nearly fully healed and her breasts were no longer producing milk. It was almost like she was back to normal, almost. At night, she was still plagued by nightmares. During the day, she felt stuck in a type of purgatory. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't push past anything. She pretended to be fine. She faked smiles and conversations, but she was completely numb inside.

"I should probably fix the hole in my sleeve before Lady Mary needs me," Anna said, scooting her chair back. As she lifted her eyes, she saw Baxter peering curiously at her. It made her feel uncomfortable and she quickly looked back down at her hands. She could trick most people, but Baxter was not one of them. Every time she looked at her, it was as though Baxter knew exactly what she was thinking.

She dashed out of the room. At first, she headed to grab a spool of thread, but her eyes were drawn to the back door. She could sneak out now. No one would know. She could leave and be back by the gong in the evening. She wouldn't be missed.

Her eyes darted down the hallway, before she snuck out the back door. Once she was out, she realized she wasn't sure where she planned on going. All she had known was that inside was suffocating. She had to get out.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Once he finished his meal, John began to search downstairs for Anna. He couldn't seem to find her anywhere. As far as he knew, Mary didn't need Anna until the evening. Ever since, well everything, Mary had lightened Anna's load. Despite that, Anna had still pushed herself by asking for extra tasks from Mrs. Hughes and Ms. Baxter.

It had been five weeks since the loss and she still hadn't cried. He wondered if she had cried in secret, but he doubted it. She was holding all of her pain and sadness deep within herself. He didn't know why she wouldn't allow herself to mourn her loss.

His last stop on his search for Anna was the boot room. He would often find her in there polishing shoes. In many ways, he guessed it was therapeutic for her to be in that room cleaning something.

Pushing against the door, he was disappointed to see it empty. There were no signs of Anna. With a sigh, he sat back against the wall.

"Mr. Bates, have you seen Anna?" Baxter's voice came from the doorway. John stood himself up and straightened his jacket with his hands.

"No. I am guessing she is upstairs with Lady Mary." Baxter's lips jutted out awkwardly and then they fell into an uneasy line.

"Actually, I was sent by Lady Mary to find her."

John tried to keep his shock off his face and remain calm. He twisted his lips slightly and nodded his head.

"Yes, that's right. She had to go home to get something. I'm sure she will be back shortly," John covered for Anna. While he knew Lady Mary was being extremely patient with Anna, he didn't want to make it seem as though Anna had just disappeared from her job to anyone.

Baxter didn't seem to believe him, but she didn't disagree. "I will see if I can help Lady Mary for Anna."

John nodded, grateful for Baxter seeming to understand the gravity of the situation. After Baxter left to go back upstairs for Lady Mary, he went to inform Mr. Carson that he needed to run home for a new jacket. Thankfully there was a random scuff on the sleeve that he was able to pass off as unfixable.

The entire journey home John prayed he would find Anna there. If she wasn't there, then he had no idea where to search for her. She often gave someone notice if she left Downton during the day. His heart was pounding in his chest and worry was consuming him.

When he reached the cottage, he found the front door still locked. He fumbled through his front pocket for the key and quickly unlocked the door.

"Anna!" He called as he opened the front door. There was no response. "Anna!" He tried again. Walking through the small cottage, there was no sign of Anna being there recently. A lump formed in the base of his throat. Tears began to well up in his eyes. Where could she be?

He slumped down into one of the chairs in the kitchen table and ran his hand through his hair. He was so emotionally drained. He was losing his wife and it was all Alex Green's fault. That snake had broken his wife's spirit, her soul. While Green hadn't caused the loss of the baby, John still blamed him. Had it not been for Green, they wouldn't had to go through any of this pain.

John only allowed himself a few more minutes in his dark thoughts, before straightening himself back up. He needed to find Anna. His first step would be to go back to Downton and see if she had returned. Hopefully, she had stepped out momentarily and was already back at work.

He stood up and grabbed his cane, completely forgetting to change his coat in the process. As he made it back to the big house, he was grateful to find Mrs. Hughes alone in her sitting room. He stepped in and quickly closed the door behind him.

"Have you seen Anna?"

Mrs. Hughes peered uncomfortably and shifted in her chair. "No, I thought you told Ms. Baxter that she went home." John sighed.

"No," he said with a shake of his head. "I was covering for her disappearance. I just went home and she hasn't been there. I don't have a clue where she is, Mrs. Hughes."

"Oh dear." Mrs. Hughes solemnly stated. "We will cover for her here. She can't have gone far. You don't have the faintest idea where she could be?"

"I don't."

A loud sigh passed through Mrs. Hughes' lips. "It's alright. We'll find her."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

She slid into the front pew of the church and sat down. It was nearly empty, with a few people passing through. Her fingers tangled together in her lap and her eyes closed. She prayed for a peace to fill her soul, to make her feel less lost.

Please forgive me, she prayed. Please help me to forget it all. Make the pain go away.

"But it's what you wanted," the voice spoke in her head. "Move on. You have no right to be in pain. It's what you asked for, prayed for."

Her chest grew heavy. Untangling her fingers, she bent herself down and onto her knees. Then she began to fervently pray. Her hands folded tightly in front of her and she continued to pray for forgiveness. But with every word, the voice inside of her reminded her of her transgressions. The weight on her shoulders grew heavier and heavier with each passing moment. Soon, she found herself struggling to breathe.

A hand landed on her shoulder and she began to scream.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Isobel Crawley liked to come into the church some days and sit and think about Matthew. Something about being inside the church made her feel a warmth that she missed. When she walked in, she was surprised to see Anna Bates sitting in the front row. She had heard about the poor girl's loss a few weeks ago, but hadn't seen her since.

She decided to give Anna her own space and walked down to the other side of the church. Isobel sat down and gathered her thoughts. She began to close her eyes to pray, when she heard Anna shift. Her eyes popped open and she noticed that the girl seemed to be struggling to breathe. Isobel quickly stood and walked over to her.

Anna's eyes were still closed and her hands were clasped tightly in front of her face. Isobel watched as her lips moved, but breaths came out unevenly.

"Anna," she said carefully, before gently placing her hand on Anna's shoulder.

A frightened scream left Anna's lips and Isobel nearly jumped out of her skin.

"Anna," she said again. The girl didn't seem to hear her. Another scream left her lips and Anna's hands came over her own face. Her body was shaking uncontrollably. Slowly, Isobel sat down next to Anna and wasn't sure what to do. Her first thought was to find someone to fetch Anna's husband, but there was no one nearby at the moment.

"Anna, it's me, Mrs. Crawley." She tried. Anna didn't appear to recognize her. Her body was shaking from the overpowering sobs that were leaving her body. They were raw, loud, and painful sobs. Nothing short of heartbreaking.

Thankfully, the pastor seemed to have heard the commotion and came out to check on what had caused the screams. Isobel informed him where to find her husband and assured him that she would stay with Anna until he could arrive.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John moved as quickly as he could to get into town and get to the church to Anna. Upon hearing his wife was having a meltdown at the church, his heart had fallen. While he knew it was eventually going to happen, he had hoped it would have been somewhere more private for Anna's sake.

Heading into the church, he could hear his wife's sobs. Isobel saw him enter and stood, with a grim expression on her face. As he reached them both, he saw Isobel shake her head.

"I'm so very sorry, Mr. Bates. I'm afraid I frightened her. She was breathing unevenly, so I tried to say hello. But when I put my hand on her shoulder, she broke."

"It wasn't your fault, Mrs. Crawley," he quickly stated, bending down as best he could to Anna's level. She was still on her knees with her hands covering her face, sobbing harshly. He glanced back up to her. "Thank you for sending for me."

"Anna, my darling," he tried. Between each sob, John could hear Anna murmur a tight please. "Please, what? What do you need?" With a gentleness, he placed a hand on Anna's back.

"Please," she cried harder. "Please. I'm so sorry."

His brows creased. "Anna, my darling. I'm here. Anna," he continued to repeat his words calmly over and over. Her shoulders shook bitterly and her small frame seemed almost breakable.

Slowly, Anna registered John's voice next to hers. Her sobs slowed, but her breaths were still sharp. Her eyes popped open and she turned to face him. As her lower lip quivered, her eyes met his.

"I….I prayed for this," she admitted, her chin wobbling. "I asked for God to take her away. It….it was my fault."

"No, my darling, no," he strongly stated. "Anyone in your position would have prayed for similar. You aren't to blame for that. You…."

"But I asked for it," Anna cried. John sighed.

"No," he repeated with complete sincerity. "It isn't your fault."

Anna didn't respond. Instead, her arms wrapped tightly around him and she pressed her head into the nook of his neck, before she began to sob again.

To be continued...

This may be the last chapter until sometime in early January. I have one more day to work on something, but I also have a lot to do before going out of town later this week. I also have a new story idea buzzing in my head that I may work on an introductory chapter on (or maybe not, because I really do not need to start a new story right now, lol). Please let me know what you think! Soon all stories will be on a brief hiatus for the holidays, but I may sneak a one shot or two during my break ;). Thank you all for your support and have a wonderful Holiday season!