Author's Note: Anyone still there?! I am very much aware I haven't posted anything since 2013. I got stuck on this chapter and then life just got in the way (work, birth, death - the usual). I have always meant to finish telling you all Phile's story and I hope I can still do her justice. I'm not going to pretend this chapter is a work of brilliance, I'm a bit rusty these days but here it is … I haven't checked it much so fingers crossed it's not a random bag of crap! I'm hoping the following chapters will be easier now so watch this space for updates, no longer seven years in the works, fingers crossed! Review if you can, just so I know someone - anyone! - is still reading!
"What am I doing?" I muttered to myself crossly, not quite believing where I was headed, despite every drop of good judgement somehow scolding me what for what a silly little girl I was currently being.
It was morning. Early morning. So early in fact that that Apollo's chariot had only carried the sun just far enough to dimly illuminate the plains and sea. A land usually so vibrant in colour appeared washed-out and lifeless, like a flag left to linger on a parapet for so many years that it had lost its vivid colours and shape after so long being exposed to the elements. Dew clung to the grasses like glass beads and the wind was quiet for once, eerily so. It had obviously been too lethargic to carry off the static, mists of night. Despite the hooded cloak I was wearing, the curtain of dampness in the air curled the hair at my temples into stubborn, messy ringlets and had collected on my eyelashes and lips. As I wiped it away from both places with the back of my hand, I realised that the moisture from the ground was starting to soak up the hem of the simple, light blue gown I wore. It was a favourite of mine, something I wore around my quarters. I always found it such a relief to change out of that heavy red robe into the freedom of my blue gown at the end of the day and I cursed myself for wearing it now – it would be far too mucky to slip into later. I stopped for a moment, took a deep breath of the refreshingly cool morning air and reminded myself of something my mother used to say: "either you run the day, or the day runs you." Starting it a little annoyed would do me no good, I knew that. I looked to the beautiful sunrise and savoured the coolness of the morning. I found it a welcome change from the usual arid dustiness of the full daytime. I wondered why more of my countrymen did not rise early enough to enjoy a fresh, subdued dawn such as this.
But there was nobody around, not a soul. No servants busying themselves, too busy preparing for when their masters and mistresses awakened, I guessed. Even the little birds, usually chirruping so merrily to welcome in a new day were still asleep. "What am I doing?!" I asked myself despairingly again as a started walking again, feeling even more foolish. Still, I never stopped or turned back. I was entirely drawn to my destination, a strange and compelling curiosity.
I blamed Korina for this folly although it was not like she had forced me along on my current path - she had simply, gently, set me on it.
It had all started the previous evening. It was supper time and I was to eat alone, once more, in the lonely confines of my apartment. I had sat at the small dining table in my quarters and gazed at the food that had been laid out in front of me in slight bemusement: warm, oozing cheese wrapped in steamed vine leaves, a large dish of spicy bean and venison stew, some sort of white fish (baked just so it was falling apart and slick with herbed oil), a full basket of bread and nearly half a dozen fat and sticky fruit buns meant as dessert, served on a silver salve. Surely such a feast would have fed three, perhaps even four people although this supper was in fact, just meant for me. After returning from the Gynaeceum that morning and feeling, quite frankly, exhausted from the social politics there, I had taken a much-needed nap. It had turned into one that lasted longer than anticipated and instead of waking up refreshed as I had expected, I felt muggy–headed like I had been awoken from death, certainly not in any mood or in good appetite enough to take on such a large meal. Slightly sulking that I had slept right through and missed my regular turn around the South Courtyard, I stared at my food, befuddled, wishing so very much that my sleeping pattern would turn itself around to something a bit more regular.
An almost inaudible knock at my door broke my downcast musings – could it be? I hoped beyond all hope and my heart fluttered at the very thought. "Come in!" I had called out buoyantly to my unknown visitor. The door then creaked open to just a just crack although mysteriously, nobody appeared. Granted, my eyes were expectantly trained quite far up the door frame for my visitor, as far up as say, one of the tallest men in Troy's head might appear. Of course, it was not to be. Crestfallen yet again, my gaze dropped and happened to find a familiar pretty, round face further down, peeking around in concern. It was Korina.
"Oh! You are awake. Thank goodness! I came by earlier, but you were in such a deep sleep, I did not want to wake you".
The rest of her appeared gingerly around the door, pregnant belly first of course. Her concern touched me and a friendly, familiar face was welcome that evening. I did not see her as often as I had wished (or indeed needed) but I did not hold Korina at fault – she had already told me she had children at home and quite clearly another arriving very soon.
"I have not been sleeping well, I was just catching up." I shrugged nonchalantly as if it was not a major concern. Korina knew better however:
"Oh Phile." She sighed with concern as she began to cross the room: "I am not surprised. I certainly do not envy you. Some people must think that it is a dream come true to live at the Palace but I know that is not always the case."
This piqued my interest, although to my annoyance, she said no more. Korina began to shuffle around my dim room, busying herself with straightening my bed covers and lighting more lamps. I found the sudden flurry of activity a little irritating. A maid is not what I needed. I needed a friend – and I felt this particular one had some stories she could tell.
"Korina, please do sit and rest your feet. Join me in some food – there is far too much here for just me alone." I considered that maybe if her hands were not busy, her mouth might take up the slack.
She paused in her current task of plumping my bed pillows and looked rather longingly to the bounty of food laid on the table, the spare chair sitting there and then finally to me as she considered my offer. I raised my eyebrows expectantly and gestured to the empty chair.
Her shoulders relaxed as her resolve slipped away.
"This bean in my belly certainly does keep me hungry! And I have missed the palace food, I must admit!" she chuckled as she slipped into the chair opposite me. She wasted no time in reaching for some bread.
"You say you've missed the food – you used to live at the Palace?" I asked Korina casually as a bit into my own chunk of bread and chewed thoughtfully. There was no point charging at her like a raging bull with all the things I wanted to ask her. I didn't think Korina would appreciate that.
"Yes. I was a servant here. My brother and I. When we came I was perhaps fifteen years old and he was just a little boy. I left when I married although my brother … not so little now of course! … is still here – you have met him."
Korina looked so proud to talk about herself and I suddenly realised how terrible it had been of me to be so self-absorbed since we met.
I paused in my chewing, staring straight ahead, past Korina and to the window. A breeze blew the drapes. They looked quite ghostly in the darkening twilight. I thought furiously: "The only other male I've met here other than the Prince is Lysander, his errand boy" I shrugged, looking back to my companion.
Korina smiled as she chewed her own bread, raising her eyebrows pointedly at me, waiting for me to put the pieces together. It took longer than I'd like to admit.
"Of course!" I exclaimed, slapping my forehead with my palm as if to knock the stupid out of myself. "Lysander is your brother!" How could I not see that? They had the same round eyes, the same unaffected countenance. "He told me he hopes to join the army". I added, by way of conversation.
Korina nodded certainly: "I know it seems a little unlikely now, he is a little on the skinny side." She remarked as if she could read my mind "but he will. Hector will make sure of it. He is very fond of my brother".
Hector. He seemed ever-present even when he was absent, I thought darkly.
I took a sip of my wine and let it sit at the back of my mouth for a moment, before letting it slide down. "Do you know Hector well?" I asked, as indifferently as I could muster.
Korina's eyes dropped from me to the table and she placed her hands on her lap. "As well as a woman can know a man". She answered carefully. Her discomfort was rather telling. I knew instantly that she herself had been intimate with Hector, once-upon-a-time and she very much did not want to talk about that.
I smiled warmly to try to alleviate the uneasy situation: "What was he like as a younger man?" I asked, steering the conversation to something a little more congenial.
Korina looked relieved and she smiled gently as she began to remember him back then: "More arrogant. Cocky. He had a rebellious streak that vexed his father on occasion. He did not carry the responsibilities he does these days of course but he is still a good man. I don't have to tell you that, of course".
My face fell. I struggled for something to say but I just could not match her opinion that Hector was a good man. I'd only really been in his presence a handful of times after all. I barely knew him and it was terribly frustrating. My eyesight became glassy, I felt a tear break free and trace down my cheek. My hand fumbled blindly on the table for a napkin to wipe the shame from my face.
"Phile, what is it?" Korina asked with considerable concern as he placed her hand gently on mine.
I couldn't keep it inside any longer – it burst forth from me like a rain-swollen river breaching its banks. I told her everything. The disaster that had been Hector in my bed. How he never visited me now. That I feared he did not desire me or even really like me because of this. I'm not even sure how it managed to tumble out of my mouth even half-coherently but Korina listened benignly, never once did she interrupt or snigger, something I had feared because I felt so unsophisticated and absurd. Once I had finished and paused to take a breath, I realised I felt much better.
"Oh Phile. Men are quite literal and uncomplicated creatures - Hector is no exception … as much as she likes to think he is!" she snorted, amused at her own observation. "Perhaps he thinks you do not want him? Do you want him?"
It was such a direct question, it caught me quite off guard. I thought carefully. I recalled how painful and awkward it had been when Hector had tried to take his pleasure from me and I winced inwardly. However, it often gave me pleasure over the last few weeks to remember the warmth of his touch, his sensual kisses, those dark eyes looking to me warmly, that playful smile of his and his deep, even voice. I recollected the few conversations we had shared and I realised he was very intriguing. I knew the answer to Korina's question, I always had, I recognised.
"Yes. I do."
"Well my dear, in that case you must show him!" Korina shrugged, as if it was obvious.
"How?!" I spluttered incrediously. I'd seen hide nor hair of Hector for weeks and I told her just that.
"Oh, he's not too difficult to find, if you know where to look" Korina shrugged, popping a vine leaf in her mouth nonchalantly. That was just the trouble wasn't it? I did not and I was hoping that she would divulge me.
"Tell me Phile, what is Prince Hector's favourite hobby? You must know. All of Troy knows." Korina asked, raising her eyebrows expectantly.
My father had talked a lot about Hector's passion. Of course, I knew.
"He loves his horses".
She smiled raised her palms to me and smiled as if to say – "There you have it!"