Chapter Fourteen

Ruth is nervous for Nelson to call on Monday evening. She and Kate have had a lovely day together. Since it's summertime, she does not have class every day which also means she does not need to leave Kate with Sandra, the childminder, every day. They had eggs for breakfast and played out in the small garden of the house with a big bouncing ball that Kate likes nowadays. It is pink and it has Dora the Explorer's face on it, so obviously Kate loves it. Flint had stalked around the garden and kept himself up on the fence and out of reach. Kate ran around with the ball and Ruth sat on the grass and gave it a kick or a throw when it came near her. If the game had rules, Kate did not feel the need to share them with her mother.

And now, after a morning in the garden and an afternoon drawing pictures at the table in the living room while watching Frozen (again), Kate has had her bath and gone to sleep, and Ruth is now sitting on the sofa with a glass of wine and Flint sitting on her lap. She stares at the phone in her hand, wondering when he will call and wondering if she should be the one to call him. Though she certainly does not do that. He is still technically married, and Ruth swore to herself very early on in knowing Nelson that as much as she pathetically and desperately wanted him, she would not ever be the one to make that move. And even with the new state of affairs in his life with Michelle gone, he is still a DCI in the Serious Crimes Unit, and that meant for long and unpredictable hours. There has not been anything in the news about missing persons or homicides or whatever else that would have been likely to land on Nelson's desk, but what does she know?

She is also concerned about whether he did in fact get in touch with a lawyer and an estate agent as he'd said he was going to. And depending on how that went, whether he wouldn't call her as a result. Suppose the reality of selling the house where he'd raised his children and been a happy family put him off the idea altogether? Suppose the lawyer said something to startle him into calling Michelle and begging her to come back? Or, horror of horrors, he really was still as keen on making a new start in life and having Ruth and Kate be a part of it as he'd been on Saturday night when he'd held her in his arms?

As she contemplates all these things, the phone rings, making her startle. Flint is quite displeased by the interruption and hops off to sit somewhere else where he won't be so rudely disturbed. And Ruth very quickly answers the phone. "Hello?"

"God it's good to hear your voice."

Her heart skips a beat hearing him say that. "Rough day?" she asks, not daring to explore his words too much further.

"Get this," Nelson says, "Cloughie, of all people, gave me cooking advice today."

Ruth cannot imagine such a thing and gives a small laugh. "Whatever for?"

"Well, he overheard me ask Judy about what sorts of things I could learn how to cook, and Clough starts talking about chopping up bangers and putting it in macaroni with cheese sauce. And I'll tell you, if that's what his mother fed him, it's no wonder he lives on McDonalds and his brother's in and out of prison. Jesus wept," he groans.

"Why would he possibly bring that up when you asked Judy about cooking?"

"Oh, well…" Nelson sounds slightly nervous all of a sudden. "Well, I need to learn how to cook for myself, obviously, since I don't want to live off the chippy now I'm on my own, but I was asking Judy what sort of things kids like to eat."

"Kids?"

"Yeah, I wanted to ask you what Katie's favorite foods are. I want to learn how to cook for her."

Such words coming from Nelson's mouth were so unexpected, Ruth nearly wants to cry. How is it that a man who flouts traffic laws and catches hardened criminals for a living and wants nothing more than a can of beer and a football game on his day off could possibly be so incredibly sweet?

On the other end of the line, Nelson waits a bit nervously while Ruth is silent. "Erm…Ruth?" he asks, trying to prompt a response.

"She likes toast soldiers and eggs for breakfast so long as they're not a bit runny. Burnt, actually, is how she likes her eggs. That's what we had this morning. And she likes chicken tenders and pasta with butter and a bit of pepper. And Cathbad makes a chocolate cake for the children that Kate goes mad for, but he won't give me the recipe. It's just as well, though, I'm rubbish at baking and I wouldn't want her to hate me for ruining her favorite thing."

The rambling like that is something Ruth does when she's uncomfortable. She's so clever and knows so much, she barrels on through with facts and figures and things when she doesn't know what else to say. When they're working, it's often overwhelming but helpful. But here, Nelson's not quite sure what to make of it. "Well I don't think I'll be trying to bake a chocolate cake anytime soon, but pasta with butter and pepper I could probably manage. You just boil pasta and then mix in some butter when the noodles are still hot, right?"

"Yes, that's right."

He smiles to himself. "Good. Maybe sometime she can come stay with me and I can make it for her."

"She'd love that," Ruth tells him softly.

"I would, too. When I've got my own place, of course. I did talk to the estate agent today that Cathbad recommended. He's going to come over to the house on Thursday to see what needs to be done and what I could sell it for, and he's going to send me some listings for flats in Lynn closer to the police station," he says.

"That would be really nice," Ruth replies somewhat hesitantly.

That throws him. "You don't think it would be nice?"

"No, I do, of course I do. I just…are you really sure about this? About selling that house?"

He sighs. "I don't want to live here anymore, Ruth. When Michelle was here, that was one thing. It was our home. Our home. But without her, it just feels big and empty and full of regret. And I don't want to walk in here every day and feel like it's swallowing me up."

"I didn't know you felt like that," she says quietly.

"Well, I do. It wasn't so bad during the week, even with not being able to sleep. But after getting to be with you and Katie, coming back here was almost suffocating."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he insists. "I'm not sorry. I know I spent far too long being complacent. Doing what made Michelle happy because she was my wife and trying to make her happy was what I was supposed to do. I just let things move along. I don't think I noticed how unhappy I was. And now, being here, it just keeps me right where I was. And it's time to move on."

"If it's what you want, I'm happy for you, Nelson," Ruth says. "Really, I am. I do want you to be happy."

"You make me happy," he tells her.

She hesitates for a moment. "Did you talk to a lawyer today?"

Nelson knows why she does things like that. He knows she's afraid to be optimistic, knowing how hurt both she and Kate could end up if things don't work out. He knows she's the more practical of the two of them because she has to be, because she has to think about Kate. Well, he thinks about Kate, too. He thinks about them both. He loves them both. He wants them both. He'll do everything he can to make them all happy, to be a proper family if they can possibly manage such a thing. But it's not even been a whole week since Michelle left. And it's been a lot so fast. And it's too soon for Ruth to trust in their future just yet. He's moving things along at lightning speed compared to the last four years they've known each other. And so she won't allow him to have a romantic moment for fear that she'll be too happy and it will all be ripped away. And so she changes the subject so fast it gives him whiplash. And he tells her, "Yes, I talked to a lawyer today."

"Oh."

Based on that tone, she had not expected him to actually go through with it. Though again, compared to how he's behaved in all the time she's known him, she was probably right to think he'd be too busy or distracted or afraid to actually go through with it.

"And how did that go?" she asks.

"She told me to make sure that Michelle gets a lawyer for herself and to make sure she's serious, and then I should give Michelle my lawyer's information to give her lawyer, and they'd start figuring it out."

"Your lawyer's a woman?"

"Yes, why?" Nelson thinks briefly about what he's heard about Laura and Rebecca's friends who had divorced parents, that the divorce lawyer and the client almost always have an affair. But Ruth can't be concerned about that, can she?

Ruth gives a small humorless chuckle. "I would figure you'd want a pitbull sort of lawyer. Some aggressive man who can fight for you."

Perhaps that was the more expected route, but such a thing had not even crossed Nelson's mind. "I don't want a fight with Michelle. I'll give her whatever she wants. I just want it all to be done with as quick as possible."

There's another pause on the line as Ruth thinks quite loudly through the phone. "You know, you're a really good man, Nelson."

"Thanks, I guess," he replies.

"It shouldn't surprise me anymore. But I guess it does, somehow. You're all gruff and tough and infuriating a lot of the time, but you're just…you're wonderful, aren't you?" she marvels.

"Well I try," he mumbles, feeling himself blush at her praise.

"You succeed," she tells him. "Now, you said it was good to hear my voice. Was that because you had a hard day? Or just the lawyer and the estate agent and Clougie's bangers and cheese or whatever it was?"

Nelson laughs. "No, not a bad day. Just busy. It's good to hear your voice because I've missed you, that's all. Tell me about your day."

And Nelson lets the soothing sound of Ruth's voice wash over him as she tells him all the things she did with Kate that day, all the funny things their daughter had done, what a lovely time they'd had. It makes him so incredibly happy to hear about Ruth and Kate, but it now also brings him a strange pang of jealous sadness. Because he's had a small taste of what life is like in that little cottage on the saltmarsh, and he so desperately wants to be part of it.