Husk leaned against Alastor and took a moment to enjoy the side-hug – possibly the last one he would ever get if things went south. Just one more moment before he would have to break the pureness of the gesture and potentially make Alastor regret every single of the hugs he had given him. He could grant himself this one thing.
The moment was silent and warm, but couldn't last forever. After he could no longer prolong it or he'd lose his nerve, he shrugged the hand off of his shoulder and looked at Alastor, bracing for the rejection.
"Funny you should put it that way", he said, and tried not to read too much into Alastor's puzzled expression. "As I said earlier, that was just the recent shit, and the real problem lies deeper. We've actually been at this crossroad before, and back then you let me take the easy road, which I did. But I'm fucking tired of this bullshit."
He sighed deeply, and leaned back to make use of the backrest of the couch. He stared at the ceiling as he spoke, focusing on nothing in particular. "I'm fucking awful at friendship. I always take it too far on my end and get burned sooner or later. You're no exception to that. I've been fighting this shit for decades, but it appears I'm cornered now. I've let it go too far and I can't ignore it anymore, no matter how much I fucking wish I could. So brace yourself for shit you probably don't want to be any part of."
He forced himself to look at Alastor, who was giving him an attentive and his brand of a serious look. It was clear he had no idea what to expect, and Husk wasn't sure if that was for the better or for the worse.
He swallowed nervously, and steeled himself. Just. Fucking say it.
"I'm in love with you, okay?" Husk said gruffly, and if this situation wasn't so loaded with anxiety, he would have found the way Alastor's jaw dropped and the screech of a record scratch funny. But it wasn't when it was directed at him and his serious feelings. He gave Alastor a couple of seconds to get over the initial shock before continuing. "I've been feeling this way for almost as long as we have known each other, with varying levels of awareness of it. I've just not said anything because I didn't want to risk you leaving me. I was satisfied with our friendship alone so it wasn't necessary to bring any of this shit to your attention. I'm only doing it now because you wanted answers and I'm sick of carrying this burden alone. And because the fucking hotel has depleted me of any fucks I had left to give, which wasn't many to begin with."
He stopped there to give Alastor the time to digest the information, in case he wanted to cut the chase and immediately reject him. No use digging any deeper if Alastor wasn't even willing to listen, after all. He didn't want to give more ammunition if there was a backlash in the immediate future. But Alastor simply stared at him, gears turning furiously in his head from the looks of it. He was probably looking at their interactions in a different light, and most likely quickly figuring out what Husk had meant with the crossroad earlier; the exact occasion it was referring to. It should really not be at all difficult to puzzle that one out.
There was no immediate rejection, though. Not like there had been with Matthew, who had told him he "wasn't like that", and then proceeded to avoid him until he got the hint and stopped trying to salvage their friendship. Or Jonathan, who had gotten disgusted by him and had cast him the fuck out of his life right away. Or fucking Jeremy, who had gotten violent because of him "trying to force faggotry on him". Husk's ribs had healed quickly enough, but his arm had taken fucking forever, and it had bothered him every cold or rainy day ever since. Hell, he still woke up with phantom pains sometimes despite literally having a different body nowadays. Needless to fucking say, Husk had stopped confessing to his friends after that, no matter how badly he may have wanted to. He hadn't wanted to risk it anymore.
So, at the very least Alastor was still sitting there, trying to come to terms with Husk's feelings, and obviously thinking of how to formulate his answer. An answer that Husk was still terrified to hear, even if it didn't involve being flayed alive.
"I see", Alastor eventually said, still obviously thrown for a loop and probably panicking a little in the confines of his own mind, but trying to get a fucking grip anyway. If Husk wasn't already head over heels in love with this man, this moment would have done it for him. "And what… How will this change our… relationship? What would you expect from me, were I to agree to humor you?"
Huh. That was… Was Alastor actually considering accepting Husk's love? A tiny little hope ignited in his heart, but he quickly extinguished it for the fear of hurting more in the end if it turned out he had misread the situation. Alastor could simply be getting the lay of the land to judge how severely offended he should be. Maybe he wanted to salvage their friendship and needed to know how fucked it was. Or maybe he wanted to understand Husk before making any kind of a judgment. Alastor was still hard to read at times, and now was definitely one of those times. He could not afford to assume shit.
Honesty was probably the best policy here. He was in deep anyway, so why not go all the fucking way? Alastor didn't bother asking things if he didn't actually want the answers.
"I think the easiest way to answer that is to answer your earlier question", Husk said, and took a deep breath. He was actually feeling strangely calm now. Maybe it was because he had taken the leap and wasn't a bloody mess on the floor yet, which had been the worst case scenario. While he wasn't in the clear here, at least he had dodged that one. It was a small victory, but a victory regardless. "You asked me what I want from you. Here's what I fucking want. I want to go to places with you when you suddenly have the urge to drag me out. I want to hit the pub and the casinos with you sometimes. I want to go grocery shopping and cook and eat together. I want you to make crepes just for me. I want to hold you close and fucking cuddle, maybe even sleep a whole night in each others' arms every now and then. I want to see your damn adorable little deer tail again and rub my face against your ridiculously soft ears. I want to kiss you. Fuck it, I want you to kiss me good morning and good night whenever you can like a sappy little shit. I want to be able to tell you I love you, and you don't even have to say it back; just accepting it is good enough. Hell, I don't even need all of this. Even some of these things would make me stupidly happy. Whatever scraps you might be willing to give me at this point would suffice. But yeah, this is the long and the short of it."
Alastor stared at Husk with wide eyes and a fixed smile, and Husk could hear a faint rushing noise like a radio had been left on a wrong channel. He was pretty sure that counted as an audible example of someone's internal screaming. It wasn't very encouraging, but not unexpected either – Husk had seen Alastor freeze because of suggestive things happening around him or being said to him before. This was more or less the same. It was fine. It was normal.
"I… when have you seen my tail?" Alastor asked with a voice and tone that screamed 'I'm panicking and my brain latched onto the first thing it could in order to buy me more time to get my shit back together'. Husk could roll with that. Alastor could have all the time in the fucking world if it meant he wouldn't leave him. Husk could work with this topic for now and pretend there was nothing else going on. He had plenty of experience ignoring his fucking feelings and continuing on like everything was fine and dandy.
"Remember that time I found my way to your house on my own? I saw it before you noticed I was around", Husk said, managing to even feel slightly smug about it, despite the current situation. Because that day had been glorious. "I've been hoping to see it again ever since. Is it as soft as your ears?"
Alastor looked a mix of indignant and incredulous and it was the best fucking thing in a long while, almost enough to distract Husk from what was going on. "I did suspect for a while, I must admit. As for your question, I haven't compared."
Maybe it was the fact that Alastor was beginning to relax again, and they were having a regular conversation like nothing in particular was happening, but Husk had to fight himself to refrain from volunteering to test the softness right then and there. As surprisingly well as this conversation was going, he knew that would definitely cross a line. Instead, he just hummed noncommittally.
There was a moment of silence, and then Husk's wing brushed Alastor's arm as it relaxed and couldn't quite stay out of Alastor's personal bubble because of the unusual space between them. They both turned their heads at the same time to look at the spot where their limbs touched, and then their eyes met again. Damn, Alastor's eyes were so weird with the unnatural red colours, but beautiful in their own way. He had it so fucking bad.
Alastor sighed and smiled softly at Husk before lifting a hand to caress the feathers. Husk's breath hitched and his heartbeat picked up in speed.
"This is a fine mess we find ourselves in, isn't it?" Alastor asked, and looked at where his fingers were running a path down a long red feather. He looked really fucking tired. "I'm at a bit of a loss. I haven't felt anything like what I've gathered being dizzy with someone is supposed to feel like towards anyone, you included. I've never desired or sought out any of it. I'm inclined to believe that I'm incapable of it in the same manner that I'm completely uninterested in physical intimacy."
Husk's heart was doing some seriously abnormal shit. It was beating way too fast while apparently also skipping every other beat. Was cardiac arrest a thing that could happen in Hell? He would probably find out soon. Regardless, his heart seemed to have moved to the bottom of his stomach where it was rapidly digging a bottomless pit of cold emptiness that Husk might soon retreat to and never come out of.
Alastor didn't feel the same. Was incapable of feeling the same.
Damn. Damn it. Shit.
Only the fact that Alastor kept talking stopped Husk from getting up and rushing into the kitchen to raid Alastor's liquor stash.
"Yet, I don't want to give you the icy mitt, either, because you're my closest friend and the person I care the most for", Alastor said with an incredulous chuckle. Husk stopped breathing, not even sure what he was supposed to feel anymore. So he simply put everything on hold and listened. "I'm not… disturbed by the things you want from me. Not the same way I'm thoroughly repulsed by anything sexual. I noticed it wasn't on your list, by the way, which I'm thankful for."
Alastor pushed Husk's wing back so that it was no longer between them, and looked up at him with one of those gentle smiles that Husk had ever seen directed at himself. "What you asked for isn't that different from what we already have. I could deal with the additional bits, although we'd still have to establish some physical boundaries, such as a no straddling policy. That said, it's reasonable to think that I can't give you the kind of love you want, even if I tried to. Would you actually be satisfied with me simply going through the motions for you? I find myself willing to do that, because it's you. Hah, you're the only person I'd ever even consider doing this for."
Husk couldn't fucking believe his furry ears. He stared at Alastor's handsome face in confused awe.
He hadn't been rejected.
Granted, what Alastor said meant that things were still kind of fucked up, but for fuck's sake, he had already accepted Alastor's lack of sex drive; his potential incapability of romantic love wasn't really that big of a deal. Sure, not having his feelings returned, possibly ever, sucked. But Alastor was still willing to give it a shot. Or hell, quite likely he was already committing to it long term, because Alastor didn't do things by halves. If Alastor was willing to give him kisses despite not being romantically interested, he would probably not mind doing it for the rest of the eternity even if it turned out no feelings would magically manifest in his heart. It wouldn't make a difference to him at that point, as it would just be yet another affectionate gesture among the others. And he seemed willing to accept Husk's love for him, even if he couldn't return it.
It was a difficult concept to wrap his head around. But maybe he didn't need to yet. For now, he could concentrate on the immediate situation.
So, like Alastor already asked, would that be enough for Husk? Could he live with the fact that his feelings might be one sided forever?
...
Hah! What a stupid fucking question. He had already once accepted his fate of remaining just friends with Alastor, which had meant pining forever. This offer here? He wouldn't have to hide his feelings. He would, presumably, get to kiss Alastor. Their friendship would still be there, but with added benefits.
Fuck yes he could live with that.
"May I kiss you right now?" Husk asked baldly, looking at Alastor with his best poker face while his heart hammered like crazy again.
Alastor was visibly startled by the question, and his glowing, red eyes darted to Husk's lips. His eyes lingered for a moment that was long enough to make Husk think he had asked for too much too fast, but then Alastor cradled his face, leaned towards him and pressed their lips together.
Whoa!
Damn.
Hell yes.
While the simple little kiss was the best fucking thing in the history of things, Husk still found something missing. ...Oh. He knew what. Closeness. Alastor was too far away from him, and it was about the fucking time that was fixed.
He wrapped his arms around Alastor and gently pulled him closer, so that they were finally sitting side by side, like they always did when Alastor was receptive to touch. That issue solved, he closed his eyes and moved his lips against Alastor's, which Alastor copied after a beat, which in turn made his heart do interesting jumps and loops that were much nicer than its earlier attempt to dig its way through his stomach.
Husk didn't bother to hide his deliriously happy purring as he pressed a few more simple kisses on the smiling lips of the Radio Demon, and finally pulled away because he could no longer contain his own wide smile.
"Fuck yes I'll be satisfied if I get to have this", he said with a happy chuckle, and buried his face in Alastor's neck with intensifying purring. "I can definitely live with this."
He heard a relieved laugh, and thin fingers started carding through the fur on the back of his neck.
"Then so can I. That wasn't too bad. I can commit to this."
On hindsight, this conversation, this entire fucking mess of Husk's accumulating feelings over the decades, had actually been very fucking easy to solve because of the unusual space between their hearts. It wasn't quite the closeness of lovers. It wasn't quite the distance of not-lovers. It didn't matter if Alastor's feelings didn't line up with Husk's perfectly. What mattered was that whatever kind of love Alastor had for him – be it friendship or familial or something completely outside of Husk's understanding – had him already be near enough to close the space between them with ease and get them where they should have been all along.
Husk fucking loved Alastor, and he was finally allowed to show it.
He snuggled closer, and Alastor was more than happy to cuddle with him after all the months of unnecessary distance. Everything else could damn well wait.