Disclaimer: SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. I own nothing.
After the movie was over, it was time for Eli to go to bed. Since he hadn't been able to for awhile, Kathy turned over the routine to Elliot. He took his son upstairs to give him a bath, read him a story, and tuck him in. The twins had also headed upstairs, leaving Kathy and Olivia alone together in the living room. There was an awkward silence for a few moments, that was ultimately broken by Elliot's wife.
"I want you to know that I would never ask you to betray Elliot's confidence, Olivia."
Olivia nodded her understanding, but still regarded the other woman warily, wondering what questions could possibly follow.
"I won't ask you for details, but I will ask you this – something happened today, didn't it?"
Even though it wasn't any of her business to tell, Olivia knew she had to at least confirm to Kathy that her instinct had been correct.
"Yes."
"Is it something I should be worried about?"
The concern was evident on Kathy's face, and Olivia reached out, putting a hand on the woman's shoulder. She squeezed gently, doing her best to offer reassurance.
"No, Kathy. I can't tell you much, but I can tell you that Elliot isn't in any danger."
An audible sigh of relief filled the room then.
"Thank you, Olivia. I was so worried when he called earlier. He'd been sounding so much better lately, and today – it was like he was right back to where he'd started."
After that, another silence followed. It wasn't as awkward as the first, as both women seemed lost in their own thoughts. Before long, it was Kathy who spoke again.
"I told you once before Olivia, that you knew things about Elliot that I will never understand. That you give him stability. That is even more true now."
Kathy raised her hand, brushing it through her hair. Her eyes were red as she fought off tears that threatened to fall.
"I won't lie and say it didn't hurt when he went to you that night, but in all honesty, I was relieved. Not just because I knew he was safe, but because I knew you would keep him that way."
A lone tear spilled over, and tracked its way down her cheek. She didn't bother wiping it away. The floodgates were opened, and suddenly Kathy couldn't seem to stop talking.
"I know you and I have never been what you would call friends, but I want you to know that I'm beyond grateful to you. Not just for what you did for me and Eli – but you've helped Kathleen, and you helped Richard."
The tears wouldn't stop falling now as she continued.
"That doesn't count all the times you saved Elliot while you worked together, let alone what you are doing for him now. I know it probably makes me seem like a real bitch for not taking a more active role in his treatment, but I've said it before – I'm not who he needs right now."
Kathy looked Olivia dead in the eye then, and spoke sincerely.
"I still love Elliot with all my heart - I always will. But I meant what I said the first day he came to you – he's where he needs to be."
Olivia wasn't sure she had the right words to respond to all of that, but she did know one thing for certain, and that was that Kathy still cared for Elliot deeply. She was about to reassure her of how much she knew that when they were interrupted by a soft voice from behind them.
"I don't think you are a bitch, Kathy. I never could."
Kathy froze as Elliot's voice filled the room. Though the words were quietly spoken, they were no less sincere. As he made his way over to the sofa where the two women were sitting, Olivia stood.
"I'm just going to give you some privacy."
Elliot nodded in her direction, grateful this time that she was leaving them alone. Not wanting her to feel completely uncomfortable, he gave her an option to feel useful.
"Eli is still awake, Liv. I'm sure if you go upstairs to his room, he'd love another story."
Olivia nodded, then headed to the stairs. That left Kathy and Elliot by themselves. The blonde turned toward him, and questioned him softly.
"How much of that did you hear?"
Sitting next to her, he took one of her hands in his. With the other, he reached up and brushed some of her tears away with his thumb.
"Enough."
Kathy absorbed his admission, letting the reality wash over her that he had heard everything she had said to Olivia. Too overcome with emotion to say anything else right away, she leaned forward. Elliot enveloped her into an embrace. They sat there holding one another, both realizing that a serious conversation neither was quite ready for was about to take place.
After sitting together quietly for an undetermined amount of time, Kathy reluctantly pulled herself free from Elliot's hold. She was trying to figure out how to approach things when he ended up being the one to speak first.
"I'm sorry you felt you had to go to Olivia to get details about what is going on with me, Kath. I wasn't trying to keep things from you intentionally."
He expelled a sigh on a shaky breath, and tried to continue.
"Something did happen today, but I can't really discuss it. Not without breaking a confidence. All I can say is that I had to help a new friend, and it was more emotional of a situation than I was prepared for."
After an explanation like that, Kathy had several more questions. But, she respected Elliot's choice to keep his friend's situation private. She realized that the only reason Olivia was aware of what had happened was because she had been involved, too. It didn't stop her concern, but she was relieved that Elliot wasn't in any immediate danger. Elliot began to speak again, and she focused her attention on him once more.
"I meant what I said, though, Kath. I could never think that you are a bitch. I won't lie and say I haven't been hurt by your recent pulling away, but I could never think badly of you."
There was no mistaking the sincerity in his voice. Kathy was grateful, but it still didn't excuse her behavior. She owed him an apology, and that was putting it mildly. Again, though, before she could speak, Elliot took the initiative. This time, there was a different sort of sadness in his eyes.
"I know I've asked you repeatedly, and you've assured me each and every time, but waiting until I'm done with the program isn't going to make a difference, is it?"
The tears that had stilled earlier when she was talking to Olivia began to well up anew in Kathy's eyes. It was the question she had been both dreading and anticipating all at the same time. Maybe it was different this time because she wasn't the one who had broached the subject. She felt the sting of pain clearly in her heart. Searching Elliot's face, she knew that his feelings matched hers in that moment.
"Elliot -"
"I'm sorry, Kathy. I didn't intend on discussing this with you tonight. I just heard you blaming yourself, and I couldn't help it."
He reached for her again then, wrapping both arms around her. In turn, she held tightly to him as well. They clung to one another even as the world as they knew it was slowly falling apart.
"I know we said we weren't going to make any decisions until I was done with the program, but the truth of the matter is we've been separated for nearly two months now."
He wanted to say more, but Kathy stopped him. She could hear the way his own voice was changing and didn't want him blaming himself any more than he wanted her to blame herself.
"Elliot, stop. It was wrong of me to just suggest the idea of divorce to you that night so seemingly out of the blue. It doesn't matter if it's how I was feeling or not, it is nothing that couldn't have waited."
His next words were quiet, but she had no trouble hearing him.
"Don't worry about hurting me, Kath, I want you to tell me the truth. Do you really think our marriage has reached the end of the line?"
He hadn't let go of her. If anything, he was clinging to her just a little bit tighter. Without realizing it, he was holding his breath as he awaited her response.
"Yes."
Her words were barely a whisper, and he felt her tears as they fell against his neck. Before he could say anything else, she was following up with more.
"That doesn't mean that I don't still love you, Elliot."
He turned his face toward her then, his lips brushing along her forehead tenderly. It broke his heart that she thought he would ever believe she could stop loving him. They had spent over twenty years with each other, and had five children together. That forged a lifelong bond that could never be broken. Their marriage might be coming to an end, but there would be no bitterness because of it.
"It's all right Kathy. I know what you mean. I will always love you, too."
They sat in silence for several minutes, the only sound in the room was the ticking of the clock on the mantle. Finally, Elliot broke into the quiet with a question.
"How are we going to tell the kids?"
Kathy pulled back a little, reluctantly breaking free from his embrace. She wiped away a few remaining tears, then addressed the question.
"I honestly don't think the older ones will be all that surprised. They are more perceptive than we give them credit for. It will be hardest for Eli to understand."
"I'll see him as much as possible. The other kids, too."
Kathy touched her hand to his cheek.
"I know you will. You're a wonderful father, Elliot. This isn't going to change that at all."
She drew in a shaky breath, similar to the one Elliot had not long before, and exhaled.
"I don't want you to worry about anything. I'll call our lawyer, tell him we want to refile the papers we stopped three years ago."
Reality hit Elliot then, and he choked back a sob. Soon the two were crying together, mourning over what had been lost. Despite the sadness, there was something underneath – a sense of peace. The awkward tension that had been between them for months - years even - was finally at ease.
Some time later, Elliot and Olivia were on their way back to her apartment. When it was time to leave, and she still hadn't come back from upstairs, he had sent her a text. It turned out that after Eli had fallen asleep, she had gone into Elizabeth's room and spent some time talking with the teen.
As he sat in the passenger seat during the drive, Elliot knew he needed to talk with Olivia, but still wanted time on his own to process everything that had happened. The time spent with his family had brought him some of the comfort he was seeking after the emotional afternoon he'd had. Still, the conversation with Kathy had been unexpected. Despite it all, he found himself at peace with their mutual decision.
Before he'd left the house, Kathy had agreed to join him for another session with Dr. Simpson. It had taken some persuading, as she still believed her presence might be detrimental to his treatment. Once he assured her that couldn't ever be possible, and insisted that he really wanted her there, she had said she would be there for the next appointment.
Olivia pulled into her designated parking spot in the garage of her apartment building, not the least bit concerned that Elliot hadn't spoken the entire way back. Her intuition was strong concerning what he and Kathy must have talked about, she was just waiting for him to open up to her. She could tell that whatever has happened, he seemed to be processing the outcome without too much emotional distress. However, she is no fool. She knew that could easily change, likely around the time he tries to fall asleep tonight.
"I'm sorry, Liv."
Elliot finally spoke just as they entered the apartment, for the first time acknowledging his lengthy silence. It is as though he has just realized how long he has been lost inside his own head. He is so grateful for what Olivia has done for him tonight, and he's been shutting her out ever since they left his home.
"El, stop. You have nothing to apologize for."
Her eyes searched his as she rested her palms on his shoulders. When she was certain that he was fully present in the moment and hearing what she says, she continued.
"I know you've got a lot on your mind right now. I won't push you to talk, but I do want you to know I'm here if you need to, okay?"
Elliot felt himself nodding in response, still caught up in the emotional conversation that he and Kathy had shared earlier. He couldn't believe that his marriage was going to be over. If this had happened even as little as a month ago, he wouldn't have been able to handle it. Now, though, he was stronger. It didn't mean he wasn't still grieving what had been lost, but there was hope for the future. This was the healthiest choice to make for everyone involved.
No matter how strong he was feeling in regards to the outcome of what had happened tonight, the day had been a lot for him emotionally. Even though it was still early, he knew he didn't want to be alone when he slept tonight. However, his pride was getting the better of him, and he couldn't bring himself to ask Olivia if she'd stay out in the living room with him tonight.
Instead, he headed to his bedroom to change and get comfortable, noting that Olivia was headed to her room to do the same. When he returned to the living room, he saw Olivia lounging on one of the sofas, a pillow behind her back, and a blanket draped over her legs. The television was tuned in to the classic movie channel. When she spotted him, Olivia turned to him with a smile.
"Hey, El. I just remembered there is a movie marathon on tonight we'd both be interested in. I thought we could watch some of it, then just crash out here, since we both have to be up in the morning."
Though they'd hugged often since he'd come to stay with her, Elliot had never wanted to wrap his arms around her more than he did in that moment. Olivia had not only known what had been on his mind, she had taken the initiative to give him what he couldn't ask for. Instead of going to her, though, he retreated back to his room to grab his own pillow and blanket.
Two hours later, they were laying in the dark together, the credits from the first movie rolling across the screen. Elliot finally found the courage to break the silence. He swung his legs off the side of the sofa, and moved to a sitting position. He braced his arms on his knees and dropped his head into his hands.
"Thanks, Liv. Not just for tonight – for everything today."
There was a soft rustling noise as he heard her moving about. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her stand and move closer. She sat down next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Her other hand covered his where they rested on his face.
"El, you don't have to thank me for anything. Just let it out."
He knew then, that he could keep his thoughts and emotions bottled up no longer. He'd probably kept them in too long as it was.
"Kathy and I decided to get a divorce."
"I'm sorry, Elliot."
The sincerity in her simple apology is what ultimately broke him. The reality of the situation came crashing down, and with it came more tears. He thought he had cried them all when he'd been with Kathy earlier, but more spilled from his eyes unchecked. Just as freely as the tears fell, so did the words that he spoke.
"I don't know why I'm this upset. It was a mutual decision this time."
Again, Olivia's voice soothed him. He felt as her palm ran over the back of his head, coming to rest on his shoulders.
"It doesn't matter if it was mutual or not, Elliot. You are still allowed to hurt."
Her validation of his feelings had been exactly what Elliot needed to hear. It didn't matter that he had already known that is how she would react. Maybe it was because he couldn't justify his own feelings to himself.
He sagged against her then, feeling when she wrapped both arms around him. The memories of the day came rushing back. Their shared breakfast this morning when he had surprised her with the gift card seemed like a lifetime ago. He'd intended for the day to be about him taking care of her for a change, only to end it dependent on her yet again. Still, he was grateful for the comfort she was offering. His body relaxed against hers as exhaustion got the better of him and he gave in to sleep.
Olivia felt the moment that Elliot had fallen asleep, and gradually slipped herself away from him. In a scene reminiscent of the first morning he and shown up on her doorstep, she eased him down on the sofa. After covering him with the blanket, she headed back to her own sofa and lay back down. Lying on her side, she kept a careful eye on him for as long as she could until sleep claimed her as well.
The next morning when Elliot awoke, everything that had happened the day before swept over him anew. The last thing he wanted was to go to his Partial program today, even if he logically knew it was where he needed to be. Given the choice, he wanted to do nothing but sleep.
What he didn't know was that Olivia was already awake and observing him quietly. She'd already intuited just how much he was struggling. Knowing he'd never directly ask her to take time off work, it was a decision she had to make on her own. If she were to suggest it to him, he'd likely insist he was fine.
She sat up, and stretched, casually tossing the blanket to the side. When Elliot glanced in her direction, she gave him a smile and greeted him. The last thing she wanted him knowing was that she had been keeping a close eye on him for the last several minutes.
"Morning, El. How are you feeling?"
Elliot didn't speak, but shrugged his shoulders as he brought himself into a seated position. There was nothing he could say that could adequately describe everything that he was feeling. After several moments of silence, he spoke, opting for the truth.
"In all honesty, Liv? Every part of me wants to say I'm 'fine', and leave it at that. But I know you'd be the first to call me out on my bullshit."
Still not making eye contact, he scrubbed his palms over his face. Every muscle in his body was aching, likely a residual effect of having slept on the sofa instead of the more comfortable mattress he had grown more accustomed to.
"The truth is, I feel like shit. I don't want to go today, even though I logically know I have no good reason to miss."
Olivia absorbed his admission, knowing this was not the time to encourage him that he must attend every day. That wasn't what he was looking for. Instead, she thought of ways she could give him something to help him get through the day as a whole. Something to look forward to.
"You could use a break, El. I know it's only Monday, and it seems a long way off, but why don't we make plans for this coming weekend?"
That seemed to have gotten his attention. His hands fell away from his face, and his head turned in her direction.
"What kind of plans do you mean, Liv? Like a road trip or something?"
A smile brightened her face. She hadn't quite thought that far ahead, but now that he had mentioned it, it sounded perfect. They wouldn't have to go a great distance away, just get out of the city.
"Exactly like a road trip, El. What do you say? We can leave Friday after your group, and come back Sunday night. I'm not on call this weekend."
For the first time that morning, a genuine smile began to form on Elliot's face. Olivia didn't know this, but he had been dreading the upcoming weekend because he wouldn't be able to see Eli. Kathy was scheduled to take the kids to her mother's for a visit. A change of scenery would be the perfect solution to take his mind off of things.
Then he remembered something else, and had to remind Olivia.
"But Liv, your spa day is scheduled for Sunday."
She shook her head firmly, indicating that it wasn't important. Worried that she was making herself secondary to his issues yet again, Elliot opened his mouth to protest. Before he had the chance to get in a word, Olivia spoke up.
"I still have every intention of using the gift that you gave me, El. I'll just call and reschedule."
A pensive look crossed over her face, then she suggested something.
"Why don't I take a personal day on Friday, and see if they can fit me in then? That way, I'll be super relaxed for the weekend!"
Satisfied then that she had every intention to still make time for herself, Elliot agreed that the weekend trip seemed like a good idea. Suddenly, the prospect of facing the day ahead didn't seem so bad. With a renewed energy, he headed to go and get ready.
Later on, as they were getting ready to leave for the day, Olivia had another question for Elliot. She was a bit hesitant to ask, as she didn't want to remind him of a potentially sensitive subject, but she needed to check in with him.
"What would you think if I met you for lunch today, El? I don't see Cragen having a problem with it, so long as I don't catch a case or anything."
Elliot was at a loss for words, and could only nod his acceptance of her offer. However, the gratitude written on his face spoke volumes. Olivia had known he might have had difficulty facing lunch alone today in Nathan's absence - that it would bring up memories of the day before when his friend had called in distress. Even as far as he'd come in his treatment, there were still moments when he struggled.
To make matters even better, Olivia suggested they meet at a different place than he and Nathan frequented for lunch. Instead, it was a deli that he was more familiar with for different reasons. The place he would be having lunch at today had been a favorite of his and Olivia's when they worked together.
When they said their goodbyes at the door that morning, it seemed to Olivia that Elliot hugged her a little tighter than usual. That didn't matter. What was important was that she had gotten to see a smile on his face before he left. She made a mental note to start doing some research on weekend getaway ideas as soon as possible. At this point, she wasn't sure which of them was looking forward to the trip more.
It felt strange to Elliot not to see Nathan in the morning groups. A few people commented about his absence, but he kept quiet. Instead, he shocked himself by opening up personally. When it was his turn to speak, he told the group about his and Kathy's mutual decision to divorce. Everyone who listened was empathetic, and there were a few who had dealt with similar situations who offered advice. In the end, Elliot was glad that he hadn't kept it inside.
Before long, the lunch hour arrived. As soon as the break was announced, the first thing he did was check his cell phone anxiously. He was hoping that nothing had happened to prevent Olivia from meeting him today. Not that he wouldn't have understood her absence, he only just realized how much he was looking forward to her company.
The only thing he found on his phone was a text from Olivia confirming she would meet him at the deli at noon. He was already out the door to the medical office building and on the way to the restaurant when he read it. With luck, she would already be there waiting when he arrived.
Sure enough, he spotted her sitting in a booth by the window as he walked toward the entrance. She gave him a smile and waved as soon as she saw him, and he walked just a little bit faster. Soon he was inside and joining her at the table.
"Hey, El. I hope you don't mind, but I went ahead and ordered for us already."
It was then that Elliot noticed the long line of people waiting to place their orders at the counter. The place was extremely busy today, and he was immensely grateful that Olivia had taken the initiative.
"Not at all. You know I'm just going to swap out for half of your food anyway."
They shared a laugh then, even though Elliot was speaking the truth. He took a sip of his drink, then focused his attention on her.
"How was your morning?"
"Good. Cragen not only gave me Friday off, but Monday as well. I was also able to successfully move my spa appointment to Friday morning."
A smile broke out across Elliot's face. Despite her promises, he'd been worried she would back out when it came to rescheduling her spa day. He was so glad she was still going to make time for herself. Then he remembered that there were no group sessions on Monday, either. When he shared the news with Olivia, she too began to smile.
"Does that mean we actually have a three day weekend?"
Her voice was a mix of curiosity and excitement.
"We do."
"I say we start planning tonight."
Elliot agreed, and was about to reach for her hand when their orders were brought to the table. Though he was grateful for the food, he cursed the interruption. Now it would have to wait until later.
Splitting up the food between them, they both dug in and ate heartily. After the emotional conversation they'd had that morning, neither had had time for breakfast.
By the time they were done eating, a steady rain was falling outside. Having walked the few blocks to the deli, Elliot wasn't looking forward to heading out in the weather. However, he was more worried about Olivia. Before he could ask her if she would be okay, however, she had a question for him.
"Did you need a ride back to Partial, Elliot? Or are you not comfortable riding in the sedan?"
As always her compassion and understanding of his situation touched his heart. While he was still sensitive toward certain issues when it came to the job, and doubted he could ever set foot in the precinct for a long while, a car was just a car. He told her as much.
"I'd love a ride back, Liv. Though to be honest, I was more worried about you getting back to the station."
She gave him a knowing smirk then, one corner of her mouth quirking up in response.
"How else do you think I'd have gotten here? Moreover, what was I supposed to have done if I'd have received a call? Hailed a cab?"
He laughed then, but still wasn't about to let her win so easily.
"Fair enough, Benson. But don't think you can get away with picking on me. Just remember – I'm the one who is cooking dinner tonight."
Her eyes narrowed slightly in response to the challenge, but he wasn't intimidated. If anything, he was loving this little game they were playing. It felt so good to be able to engage in some light hearted banter after everything he had been through.
"You don't scare me, Stabler. After all, I've been eating your cooking for awhile now."
By this point, they were standing, and making their way toward the door. Once outside, Elliot picked out the sedan easily. He was impressed with himself that his eye was still trained to recognize a police issue vehicle, even if it was unmarked. Settling into the passenger seat, he let Olivia drive him back to his program. Before getting out of the car, he reached for her hand. Squeezing it now as he wasn't able to earlier, he spoke to her sincerely.
"Thanks for meeting me today, Liv. It was great having lunch with you. I'll see you later tonight. Be careful."
With a final squeeze, he exited the vehicle, leaving a slightly stunned Olivia behind. It wasn't that he'd said anything surprising or unusual, but there was a new-found depth of intimacy in his words – in his touch. She knew, instinctively, that now more than ever, he needed her to be careful. If anything happened to her, she wasn't sure how he would handle it.