Author's Note: Short chapter, friends. I told a reviewer that when you read the story in one sitting, it doesn't seem like such a slow burn, but reading it chapter by chapter, even I'm like, dude, let's get to the action. Ha! I'm going to drop chapters a little quicker, because really, Severus needs some lovin'. Are you with me?
June 1999
At the Leaving Feast, Severus was the kind of weary that only teachers in June understand. He had been working from sun up to past sun down every day for almost a month and had successfully prepared his students for their OWLs and NEWTs, which were now thankfully over.
He was subdued all throughout the Leaving Feast. He looked at his Slytherins and tried to gauge if they were upset finishing in second place for the House Cup. Thank Merlin it was behind the Ravenclaws and not the Gryffindors. He was thrilled with how far they had come this year, but he couldn't tell if they were. And then he looked next to him at Hermione. She was leaving first thing tomorrow morning to spend the summer at Grimmauld Place.
"What are you doing after the feast tonight?" Hermione asked.
Severus' brow furrowed. "I don't know. I don't have rounds. Are you packing?"
Hermione shook her head. "I'm packed. I want to go to the Astronomy Tower." She looked at Severus casually, wondering if he would go with her or not.
Severus nodded. "I'll go with you."
"Thanks."
He spent all of Minerva's speech thinking about Hermione: how he was going to miss her, and if he was going to see her at all this summer. The sound of benches scraping brought him out of his reverie.
They sat down on the cushioned ground of the Astronomy tower just as they did last December. He thought about the Sequitur Simul but he was not willing to tell her right before she left for two months. His willingness to risk losing Hermione was nonexistent. While he was quite willing to be less than forthright with her about esoteric magic, he had stopped lying to himself. It was just as Dumbledore had said: that if he ever got to see the real Hermione, that he would like what he saw. He had seen Hermione, and he had fallen in love with her. He felt where her shoulder and hip touched his and longed to touch her, to kiss her. His inner dialogue was constantly chanting, "more." Only his desire to let Hermione control the pace of their relationship kept him from doing so. He no longer cared that she was so much younger, but he did care very much that he gave her the time that she needed. He was not an idiot: if he wrestled with their age difference and history, surely she did as well.
"I'm leaving in the morning."
"Yes."
"I want to go. I want to see my friends. But I don't want to leave you. I've barely seen you recently."
Severus had no answer to this. If he opened his mouth, he was afraid he would tell her not to go.
"I'm going to Australia, too. My international portkey was finally approved."
"That's good," he said quietly. "Maybe it will be better this time. You're safe and happy. That's what they want for you."
Hermione made a noise of disbelief. "We'll see." She sighed. "What will you be doing? Are you staying here or at your house?"
"I'll spend a few weeks at my house and I've been invited to spend a week in France with the Malfoys."
"In France? For a week? Wow."
The hint of jealousy and insecurity in her voice was nice to hear. Maybe he wasn't the only one not wanting to be away from each other. "They're spending most of their time there right now. It's in the country. It's peaceful."
"It sounds nice."
Severus mimicked Hermione's earlier words. "We'll see." He sighed. "I never feel quite at home with the Malfoys. I don't feel at home at my childhood home either. So we'll see if I make it three weeks there. I have some research and brewing I want to do here at Hogwarts."
"Well, it sounds like we'll get to test the notebooks in different places," she said, trying to lift the conversation.
He looked at her. "I would like to hear from you. I will miss you."
"I'm going to miss you, too," she said, looking down.
Sometimes, he wondered if she looked down just so he would lift her chin. He let go of her chin. "I'll be here when you get back."
She smiled at him. "I'm glad."
They were still slightly turned towards each other as Severus' eyes dropped down to her lips and he leaned slightly towards her.
"I'm happy for your Slytherins," Hermione said, changing the subject abruptly.
Severus leaned his head back against the wall. "Thank you." He took a deep breath, trying to find center once more. "I'm proud of them. I'm concerned about some of them. They're so much better off here than they are at their homes. Their families are horrible dark influences."
"Is home where you first learned of the Dark Arts? Sirius said you knew more dark spells when you were a first year than the older kids."
Severus rolled his eyes. Nothing like talking about Sirius to kill a mood, he thought sardonically. "Sirius was an idiot. I knew maybe four hexes. How many spells can an eleven-year-old know?"
"But you did get into the Dark Arts," Hermione stated, frowning.
"Yes. My mother loved the Dark Arts. Do you remember the first time you stepped into Grimmauld Place?"
"Vividly." She wrinkled her nose.
"The Blacks and the Princes would have been great chums. Earlier generations probably were."
"Your mother's family?"
Severus nodded. "Toujours Pur. They were cut from the same cloth. Blood Purity nonsense. Libraries filled with books about the Dark Arts. I only visited the Prince Manor a few times, but that was enough."
"But your mother rebelled and married a muggle?"
"She rebelled all right, just not from the Pureblood nonsense. She rebelled against a father that hated her for not being male and carrying on the family name."
Hermione riled and spluttered. "Are you serious?"
Severus nodded sadly. "My mother is what happens when a woman is beat down by both her father and her husband. She was very intelligent. But OWLS and NEWTS don't make you worth a damn to a father who wanted a son above all else. And she was a powerful witch, but being a witch doesn't make you worth a damn to an abusive husband."
"That makes me ill to think about."
"Well, it definitely didn't make for an easy path for me. My mother was only herself when she was teaching me magic - in secret of course, and most of it quite dark. And sometimes she still touted pureblood nonsense even though that had cost her everything. Other times, she was just," he paused, "shrinking. Every year, everything about her diminished. They died; my father died when I was a seventh year. That almost gave me hope that my mother would grow stronger, but it didn't. She died a year later when I was an apprentice."
"I'm sure she was proud of you," Hermione offered weakly.
"I doubt it. I've come to peace with it now, Hermione. I am who I am, for better or worse, because of bad things and good things that happened in my life, just like you. I regret many things, but I can't change the past." He looked at her and could tell that she was sad on his behalf. "Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"
She nodded. "That our circumstances shape us."
"And that Sirius was an idiot."
She tried not to smile as swatted his leg. "Severus!" She left her hand on his leg.
He laughed and then sobered. "I regret hurting you, Hermione." Her head was turned toward his and he moved his hand slowly and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.
She turned her head and stared toward the parapets. "I know." After a minute, she asked, "Sometimes I… do you ever wish… wish that we had just met this year? For the first time?"
The sound barely came out as he whispered, "Yes." He rested his hand on top of hers. They sat for a moment soaking in a desire for things to be different. He sighed. "It's late."
He leaned forward and was about to get off the ground when her hand put pressure on his leg.
"Just… just a little while longer."
He sat back and looked at her. He would stay all night for her.
She looked at him and smirked. "My arse isn't frozen yet."
"It's June, Hermione. We may be here a long time."
Her laughter made him smile.
"Different constellations," she noted, looking over the parapets.
They sat there and named the constellations.
When they ran out of constellations, she put her head on his shoulder. "And you said I'd never use Astronomy again."
He sat there with holding her hand resting on his leg, with her head on his shoulder. And he knew that she would come back to him.
After a while, they left the Astronomy Tower. He walked her to her quarters and as her door clicked shut behind her, the loss felt like a physical ache.
Severus was subdued as he got ready for bed. He extinguished the lights in his bedroom but then saw his notebook glowing from on top of his dresser. He got up and opened the notebook.
.
But sometimes… -H
-Hermione? -S
Yes, of course it's me. -H
-But sometimes what? -S
Sometimes I don't wish that we had only met this year. -H
.
Severus closed his eyes and felt a surge of gratitude mixed with his love for Hermione.
.
-Sometimes I don't wish that either. -S
Good. -H
-Good. -S
Goodnight, Severus. -H
-Goodnight, Hermione. -S