Tara was just about to start reading the next chapter of her textbook for Comparative Religions when the knock came at her door. She'd had the option of a roommate, but had decided on a one-bed dorm room on the UC Sunnydale campus. It was cheaper and there would be fewer distractions. Fewer reminders of the woman she was in love with and who had done horrible things to her despite their mutual love. At least, Tara liked to think it was mutual, or at least that it once had been.

So the knock was slightly surprising. Tara wondered for a brief moment if it was Willow, come to apologize, to tell her how she had been cutting back on magic, to let her know that power was meaningless without the person she loved, and that she was still in love with Tara.

So Tara felt more than a little guilty when she rushed to open the door and felt her face fall when it wasn't Willow on the other side of the door. "Faith," she said with a bit of surprise in her voice.

"Not who you were expecting?" the slayer asked with a sly, raised eyebrow.

Tara couldn't help but smile back, even if it was just a small smile. "Not who I was hoping for," she confessed. "B-but, not unwelcome, not at all." Standing aside, Tara wordlessly let Faith into her room.

Faith nodded as she entered. Tara wondered if she'd make an issue out of not being hoped for, but Tara was fairly confident that Faith understood exactly what she'd meant. Faith might not have had the kind of higher education that Tara was here for, but she was frighteningly intelligent in a lot of other ways that had nothing to do with academics.

"So, what brings you by?" Tara asked as she closed the door.

Faith was wringing her hands, which was not something that Tara had seen her do before. "I think there's a problem, Tara, and I was gonna go and do something about it. But every time I went to leave the house to actually do something, I kept on flashing back to that night… I was back in that alley, driving that stake into the guy's heart… Every time, I see it so clearly, I know better now. I want to stop myself from doing it, but it always plays out the same way…"

Tara wasn't sure where Faith was going, but she clearly had to process her thoughts before she got to her point. Tara had dropped her Psychology classes in a vain attempt to forget Willow, but what she learned was telling her that if Faith was reliving and not just remembering what could only be the death of Alan Finch, then it seemed like Faith might be experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder. Tara didn't know as much as she would like to know about the condition, but the emphasis on reliving experiences versus merely remembering them had stuck in her head. Tara still relived certain traumas from her blood relatives.

Faith turned back to face Tara. "So, I'm stuck in this moment, and I realize that I messed up big that time. I went for the kill without knowing what I was getting myself into. I went through so much crap because of that mistake that… I just don't want to make that mistake again, okay?" she said, her voice rising quickly.

Tara reflexively took a step back, memories of her own relatives' raised voices having taught her the flight response long ago. "Y-yes. I get it," Tara said quickly.

Faith took a breath and looked down. "Damn, I'm sorry, Tara. I didn't mean to snap like that. It's just… I've been outta Sunnydale for too long. I know most of the players, but there's one that I only met once, and before that I only knew him by reputation. It's weird getting used to 'Spike' after Diana drilled 'William the Bloody' into my head."

Tara nodded, a bit of understanding coming to her now. "Something happened with Spike? And you don't know enough about him to know what the right response is?"

Faith nodded. "Yeah. Mind if I…?" she said, gesturing to the bed.

"Sure, have a seat," Tara offered.

Faith took the offered seat and put her elbows on her knees, then rested her chin in her raised hands. "So, I get that Spike," the name was still coming off as if alien to Faith's mind, "has some sort of chip in his head. What do you know about that?"

Tara couldn't help but giggle at one of the best memories of her life, courtesty of that chip. "Sorry, it's not funny, only… Spike can't harm a human in the slightest without feeling some sort of sharp pain in his head. My… my blood relatives told me that my magic came from a demon inside me. It just took a hit from Spike – which hurt him more than it hurt me, I'm guessing – to prove that I was fully human. That knowledge gave me more relief than I'd ever felt up until then."

Tara sighed. "That was when I really felt accepted by more than just Willow. Buffy, Dawn, everyone in that group became my family. My blood kin are just that. We have the same blood, but we're not family, and I don't know if we ever were."

Faith nodded, her face a mask of seriousness. Tara didn't know Faith as well as she would like to, but she hadn't seen Faith be this quiet and serious before, or at least she didn't think she had.

"Tell me about Spike and Buffy," Faith said.

Tara felt an 'ah' escape her lips, and by the way Faith immediately looked up at her, she knew immediately that she'd just jumped to the wrong conclusion.

"Hell, B's hot. I get it, believe me," Faith said with the slightest tinge of anger. "What I don't get is the obsession. Building the 'bot and all that. Where did that come from? And where is it now?"

Tara wasn't sure whether to feel better or worse knowing that it wasn't envy driving these questions, but an urge to protect Buffy from someone that Tara considered a reliable companion. Faith didn't have her history with Spike, but he was a vampire, and she was a slayer. It was only natural.

"From what I understand," Tara began. "When Spike first got the chip in his head, he came to Buffy for some sort of protection in exchange for information about the people who did it to him. At least, I think that's how it began? I don't really know the details, but when he found that he could still hurt demons, it became a sort of relationship based on mutual benefit, I guess is what you'd call it. Spike can't kill humans, and he helps keep the demon population in line, and Buffy doesn't stake him since his attention isn't directed at humans. That's how it really started, I think."

Faith just nodded silently. "And since then?"

Tara looked anywhere but at Faith for a little while. "I remember that when you woke up from your coma, Willow was terrified that you would go after someone that Buffy cared about as a way to get to Buffy, and she was scared that you'd find me if you found her. And you did, in a way. But, that's not what I was getting to."

"What was it, then?" Faith asked, her voice disturbingly level.

"Well, Willow told me about a possible problem in the form of Xander doing something monumentally stupid. His words, if I recall. Apparently, Xander and Giles ran into Spike and asked him to keep a lookout for someone with your name and physical description."

Faith nodded. "Smart move. Bring in the strongest non-slayer to take me on. Why was it stupid?"

Tara shook her head. "Because Spike's response was, in essence that if he did see you, he would tell you where to find Buffy and her friends, and then watch as you killed them all. I wasn't really part of the 'us' yet, but still. I'm guessing that Spike felt like he'd been neutered, and if he couldn't kill Buffy himself, then he'd use you as a proxy."

Faith nodded, and Tara was surprised to see a smile cross Faith's lips. "Well, I did meet him around then, but he didn't recognize me. As far as I know, the only one who did see through me back then was you, Tara. I knew him by reputation only. I knew that 'Spike' was a nickname of his, but took a moment to connect the dots. I dunno how a vamp handles stuff without being able to kill, but my guess is his answer to meeting me that night? Cold shower. Or, I dunno. Dip in the river? Cold water of some sort is what I'm getting at."

Tara nodded. "I got it, Faith. And that might explain why things went where they did from there. At least, after a while."

Faith sighed. "I was afraid of that."

Tara took a breath and continued. "After another few months, I imagine Spike realizes that he has something resembling feelings for Buffy. I don't know what those feelings are, but she was on his mind enough that he had someone build that robot for him. And I remember shortly after learning about it, Glory had her minions kidnap Spike, thinking that he was the one she was looking for. And after what I can only imagine was torture – the scars were visible for a few days – he didn't tell her one thing. He didn't sell anyone out.

"And then, when it came time to run… This is Willow's retelling, as I was kind of insane at the time. But according to her, Spike helped us run from Glory and also some medieval knights? I was never really clear about that part. And when Buffy died, Spike wept openly. He was mourning, or at least I thought he was."

Faith just nodded silently again. "If Spike had a choice between helping Buffy and hurting her – if he could do either one without any sort of pain from the chip in his head – which do you think he'd choose?"

Tara wasn't sure where Faith had been going with her line of questioning, but this was not it. "I… Well…" Tara had to think about this. Spike was an interesting person. Despite being a literally soulless demon, it was hard to not think of him as a person. "I think he'd do whatever made him feel best. And I think that Spike's fixation with Buffy is as much about her being a slayer as a woman. I've never seen the two of them fight, but I've seen Spike fight demons, and I think the violence is the closest thing he has to pleasure. For a vampire, I guess that's to be expected. With Buffy… I couldn't say. Maybe some sort of fighting as foreplay leading up to something more? If Spike could have whatever he wanted with Buffy… I think that's what he would do. Not that I know him well enough to say, but that's just a semi-educated guess."

Faith chuckled. "If I'd had a few more shrinks in jail as smart as you, maybe I'd have ended up a little bit better than where I'm at now. Don't sell yourself short, Tara."

Tara merely chuckled along with Faith. "I could say the same to you. I get that you feel like you need to atone, but I think before you can accept anyone else's forgiveness, you're going to have to forgive yourself, Faith."

Faith laughed a little bit more and then stood up to face Tara. "Thanks for listening and letting me talk and all that. You probably gotta study, so I'll get out of your hair." So saying, Faith made for the door.

Before she left, Tara had to ask. "How is she?"

Faith turned her head to look back at Tara.

"How's Willow doing?" Tara asked, her voice pleading.

Faith hung her head. "She's hasn't hit rock bottom yet, but she's on her way. And I think she may have to get there in order to realize how deep a hole she's in. If you don't see the hole, you don't know enough to take help when you can. Once she sees how deep she's dug herself, then you may be able to get back the Willow you fell in love with."

It hurt Tara so much to hear Faith's honest words, and despite all that Willow had done to her, Tara felt horrible knowing that she might not be there for Willow when she finally did realize how far she'd fallen.

"Well," Faith said, "I gotta be going, Tara. Take care of yourself, okay?"

As Faith opened the door, Tara decided she needed to say one more thing. "You weren't talking about a 'what-if,' were you Faith? It's not 'what if Spike could hurt Buffy if he wanted to.' He can do it now, can't he? And you needed to know if you had to kill him, right?"

Faith didn't look at Tara. "He's a vampire. It's not 'killing.' It's 'slaying.' As for what I need to do… I need to think about it some more."

Tara nodded, despite knowing that Faith couldn't see her. Tara wanted to speak up on Spike's behalf, but after the conversation she'd just had with Faith, she wasn't sure if she should, or even if it was her place to do so. "And then?"

"And then," Faith said, "I do something about it. One way or another."

Faith closed the door behind her, leaving Tara alone once again.