Chapter Fourteen - Part 1
/ Confession time: I've been working on this story for over two years. What started out as a series of one-shots became chapters that were meticulously put together and edited and have come together to be what you've been reading. This story is my baby and thank-you so much to those of you who have stuck it out (and hopefully continue to) with me through this story. I do know where this story is going to 'end up', but it's not written yet. I have about four more chapters fully written after this one, which is about the same rough 30 pages as all the chapters before, but in efforts to give myself a little more time to really draft up where I need the story to go from chapter eighteen onwards, I'm going to start posting chapters in two-parts. As you've all noticed, my chapters are pretty lengthy, so even with the half chapters being posted, you'll still see a nice length and plot in each.
Also, as a huge Leah fan I really like to look back at specific times in her past that may have been mentioned in the books (or not) that have made her who she is today (for example when she cut her hair after the break-up, or the graveyard when she buried her father, that I've previously written), so if you guys have any scenes that you really really want to see play out, send me a message and I'll see if I can dive into it and incorporate it into one of the coming chapters. Chapter 14 (A) Playlist: (Cue the depressing music... but it won't be depressing forever!)
Also, I should have done this from the beginning, but I have posted some of the songs I've listened to while drafting up this chapter to help me write. If you're interested in my playlist for prior chapters, or my all-time favourite Leah Clearwater inspiration songs, or have your own songs that you'd like to share with me that has a Leah-vibe, PM me or add them into your review!
I'm Not The Only One - Sam Smith
Hurts 2B Human - Pink
What About Us - Pink
Stone Cold - Demi Lovato
Lay Here With Me - Maddie & Tae
Stay With Me - Sam Smith
I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz
Review & Enjoy!
Despite Jacob's best efforts to talk to Leah over the next five days, she refused to see him. Seth had even sent him away. Renesmee, on the other hand, called him every day. He hadn't gone over to see her since because he wasn't sure what to say. He knew he had to tell Renesmee about Leah, and what he truly wanted, but he didn't know how to make things right with the she-wolf despite his numerous attempts, so he decided to wait until Renesmee's original ask of him to go over Sunday in hopes that he could reconcile with the she-wolf before then and have answers for Renesmee. Unfortunately, it was now Sunday at 7:30 PM. He had promised Renesmee that he would be there by 8 – and Leah still wouldn't answer his calls.
He took the long way to the Cullen's on his bike, trying to figure out what he was going to say to Renesmee, but still had no idea by the time he got there. When he approached, he felt the emptiness of the main house. Hm, weird. He went back, to the small cottage, and walked in. "Ness?"
"In my room," she called out.
Jacob went in and was hit with the fact that half of her room was in boxes. "What's with all the cardboard? Are you redecorating again? Doesn't Alice usually do that?"
She was in the middle of the floor dressed in a black robe, sorting through her clothes and putting them in respective boxes. She got up and walked over to her bed, sitting on it and patting the spot beside her for him. He sat by her and she smiled before her eyes grazed over the boxes scattered on her floor. "My family and I are leaving."
"What? When?"
"Tomorrow."
Suddenly, he was hit by a new wave of conflict.
"Why?"
She shrugged, "We've been here too long. Now that I'm finally old enough, we have to leave and start fresh somewhere else to avoid any speculation."
"And you're leaving tomorrow? That's… well, soon, isn't it?" He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, feeling his heart pounding in his chest.
"It's easier this way," she said softly. "Want to make my last night memorable?" Renesmee asked, pulling him from his dazed state.
Suddenly, as Renesmee reached down and undid her robe, he realized what she was asking him. Something he dreamed of his entire life – to be with the woman that he was destined to be with. But the only thing flashing through his mind at that second, as she opened her robe, wasn't the knee-highs she had on; it was the chocolate brown eyes and the shorter hair of his most recent overnight - Leah. If he did this, he essentially was digging his own grave and packing it in - there was no going back.
"You could always come with us," she smiled at his reaction – shock, though it probably wasn't entirely related to what she assumed. "If you want to, that is… then we can have a lot more nights like this. Aunt Alice said she could even get us our own place for a while." Her parents hadn't bee keen, but she was an adult now and she was ready to explore her and Jacob's imprint.
"Ness…" Jacob forced himself to look away from her.
"You don't want to?" Renesmee asked softly, her sweet voice ringing through the small space. She was confident that she looked amazing in her attire and it was possible that he just needed a second to process that, right? "Everyone's gone hunting. They won't be home for another few hours…"
You don't want to?
Leah said those exact words to him after the wedding; standing outside, leaning against his patio, looking at him under her thick, dark lashes as the rain fell on her copper skin. Jacob remembered thinking that the droplets of water on her skin made it look like she was glowing - radiant, though, that very well could have been the alcohol, too. He snapped back to the present and tried to formulate a response.
"Nessie," Jacob choked out. "It's not that-" The need to keep her happy overpowered him as her face fell, and he shook his head, trying to gulp back the lump in his throat. "It's just… fast. You just hit me with the fact that you're leaving, tomorrow, and then…"
"We can talk about that later," she said finally. "I just… would like to have this with you. You're my Jacob, right? I'm tired of being told to wait and that I'm not old enough - I am now, and I want to experience everything that life has to offer. You said you wanted romance, right?"
Why wasn't this as easy as Sam walking away from Leah the moment that he met Emily? Why did Jacob want to fight for Leah in spite of his perfect match, standing before him, asking him to be with her in every way possible? Did he want to want to? Absolutely! But not at the cost of hurting Leah anymore. He had to really try to talk to the she-wolf after Nessie left – and he was still unsure how he felt about that, but he wasn't about to tell her that they had slept together, was he? Just knowing that he kissed Nessie had hurt her; this would be unforgivable. He had chosen Leah and he had finally had come to peace with knowing that he wanted Leah in his future – a future that he was excited about fighting for even against her apprehension, and now this.
His wolf inside him had suddenly come back to life, screaming at him to go to Renesmee and kiss her and satisfy whatever need she had, but the man in him wanted him to leave right then and there, away from the temptation, and right back to Leah's side to tell her that he wouldn't stop fighting for her. His inner man won out the night of Sam and Emily's wedding, but he was unsure what was going to prevail tonight, and it made him feel sick. This was exactly what Sam had warned him about. Could he really push the imprint away for Leah if Renesmee was fighting for it? He was about to see, one way or another.
Jacob got up and paced the small room for a moment, just as Renesmee got up and walked over to him, taking his hand. Her robe was still open, highlighting every amazing curve she had, and he looked away again, knowing he should leave right now before the imprint took control entirely. Renesmee leaned up on her tiptoes to press her lips to Jacob's and as they touched, he thought that maybe it was only her; maybe despite his attraction to Leah, he still wanted to be with Nessie. Maybe he wasn't as sure as he thought he was. How could he be sure when Renesmee was fighting for his attention in such little clothing? Clothing his wolf wanted to rip off her. The admission surprised him.
His wolf fueled his inner fire and he kissed her back, despite the uneasy feeling he had in his gut. He tried to push it away and tell himself this was what was meant for him – they knew this would happen and besides, Leah didn't want him - but, despite their kissing increasing in passion, he couldn't rid the feeling and he subconsciously knew that Leah did want him, she was just hurt and pushing him away right now. Even as his body responded to her, he knew that he was betraying another part of himself; a big, opinionated part.
But, she was a beautiful woman – her long, auburn hair curled at the bottom, her perfectly rounded hips and chiseled body was unworldly to him; supernatural. Nessie was tall, only a few inches shorter than him, with a full chest, tapered waist, and long, muscular legs. She was perfect and his body responded to that.
As his hands gently grazed the curve of her hip, he felt like it should have been Leah's, though, and he subconsciously knew that it wasn't. It was impossible to fight this moment, though, as Nessie started pulling at his t-shirt. He realized he didn't want to fight it – his wolf was happy, and he tried desperately to silence his inner man and channel any rogue feelings into those of lust.
Jacob's shirt hit the floor, and he hoped that Renesmee was right when she said that her parents were far away enough that he wouldn't be strangled. How far did Edward's mind-reading really extend? Renesmee reached to her shoulders, pushing her robe off and letting it fall to the floor so that he could take in the little ensemble she had on underneath – black thigh-highs, a black lace push-up bra, and a black, satin thong. Jacob felt all the air leave the room, and she smiled happily at his reaction. "Do you like it?" She asked softly, looking up at him under her thick lashes.
He was entranced. "I love it," he stumbled backwards, feeling the back of his legs hit her bed and he spun them around so that she fell back onto her back, onto the luxury comforter. He climbed on top of her and let his hands wander, trying to keep the woman back on the reservation who taught him everything he knew out of his mind the entire time as Renesmee's fingertips gazed the muscles on his bare chest. He remembered how Leah's fingers made his skin feel like it was on fire back in the clearing, and the imprint desperately tried to push the thought away and focus entirely on the woman beneath him.
A sudden realization crashed down on him as she played nervously with the waist of his jeans. "Renesmee," he pulled back from kissing her, their bodies tight together, his member pressing against his jeans, asking to be freed. "A condom." He didn't know how this thing worked, and he wasn't taking any chances.
Renesmee nodded, her cheeks flushing. "I've got it covered, in the drawer."
"How did you…?"
She smiled softly, "Uncle Emmett - don't worry, he promised he wouldn't say anything."
He wasn't much older than Renesmee looked, but there was something a little too innocent about her answer. Leah was older; mature and wise. She wouldn't worry about her mom coming home (much) or asking someone for condoms. Her maturity against Renesmee's made the pit in his gut grow even more. He shouldn't be doing this – not when he was so conflicted. Not when he couldn't stop thinking about Leah. He had to choose, and this was his moment to do it because after they did this, there was no chance Leah would ever take him back – and if they didn't do this, he knew that Renesmee would understand the rejection.
Renesmee didn't want to talk anymore, so she leaned back up to kiss him. "Make love to me," she whispered.
The words were too binding; Jacob's inner wolf couldn't deny a task asked by her, even this.
Sam's words came back to his mind: That's the imprint.
This was the imprint laying on top of her – not him, but he felt like he didn't have a choice here; not with her uttering those words and his wolf wanting to go to Hell and back to satisfy her every request. Jacob mechanically reached behind her back as their kissing intensified again and he carefully undid the clasp of her bra, which brought back the immediate memory of him struggling with Leah's the first time they were together in his garage and her telling him he was going to have to figure it out one day. Then, again, in his car when she went braless to avoid the hassle of him fumbling with the clasps. He had already ripped one bra apart at that point, after all, and she hadn't been too happy about it. Apparently, those things were expensive, and it was hard to find one that 'fit perfectly', whatever that meant. He had figured it out, now, though, and the memories that went along with his clever fingers were sobering.
Jacob got off her immediately and rolled to the side, throwing his legs over the side of the bed to sit up and put more distance between them. He couldn't do this – it wasn't fair to either girl and he felt his wolf shut up as soon as he had made the decision and their bodies parted. He had come here to tell Renesmee about his feelings for Leah, and now he had to, despite his distraction earlier.
"Jacob?" Renesmee asked, holding her bra to her as she rolled onto her side to study him. "If you don't want to…" He did, though; with his lower half-pressed tightly against her moments ago, she had felt that he wanted her, so what was wrong?
Jacob couldn't look at her; not without seeing brown hair and eyes and he shook his head, closing his eyes, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his heads. "I can't do this, Nessie."
Renesmee caught onto his train of thought quickly. "You… you don't want this? Me? Us?"
"It's complicated," he sighed.
Intimacy was a new experience for her, and she was grasping at straws to figure it out without seeming inexperienced in relation to him, but she felt like she was failing miserably. Her confidence was quickly dwindling. This wasn't going how she expected. She had been told how amazing she was for as long as she could remember, and she thought that would easily translate into Jacob wanting this with her. At least for one night, if not forever. After all, he said imprinting traditionally led to this – to marriage and love. So why did their relationship lack that now that she was old enough to enjoy it with him?
Jacob immediately grabbed his shirt, pulling it on before handing her robe back to her. "Get dressed. We need to talk."
Renesmee frowned, her cheeks flushing, and she threw the robe over her shoulders again, knotting the belt as she scooted to the edge of the bed, beside him, and crossed her legs. "What did I do wrong?"
Jacob's heart broke at her words and he turned to face her, taking her hands in his. "You did nothing wrong. This was… hot as Hell, Ness. You're incredible, but I have to tell you something. Something I should have told you last week, or at least before… well, that happened," he nodded toward the crumpled comforter.
"Does it have to do with Leah?" Jacob's shock was clear, and Renesmee sighed. "My dad told me that you… well, have something special with her. I thought special may mean… well, romantic, but I didn't think that it could compare to an imprint. I figured it we did this tonight, then you wouldn't have anything special with her anymore; just me."
Jacob sighed, closing his eyes and averting his gaze. She was much smarter than he gave her credit for, but still inept at romantic and sexual matters, not that he could blame her. "It… doesn't work quite like that. What did he tell you exactly? About Leah and I?"
"Just that, but I'd really like for you to tell me the rest."
"I don't know where to start."
"From the beginning?"
He hesitated, but nodded. He started with telling her about his prior strained relationship with the she-wolf, then told her about Leah joining his pack, and when he got to the wedding, he hesitated. "Sam and Emily's wedding… was a hard day for her. We were having fun, dancing and drinking, and afterwards she was upset, so I went to walk her home. We ended up…"
Renesmee had listened quietly the entire time, and she frowned when he trailed off. "Having sex?" The word felt so dirty coming out of her beautiful, innocent mouth and Jacob realized, imprint aside, they really had nothing else in common. It hurt his wolf to consider, but well, his man ached for the connection he had with Leah and he felt extremely guilty for his actions tonight already, and knew his conversation with the she-wolf after this would be difficult, but he wanted her by his side – he needed her. He felt whole with her and they understood each other better than he and Renesmee ever really could.
"Yeah, and after that, she and I decided to be friends with benefits. It's when there's no real relationship, per se, but you're… well…"
"Having sex," she supplied again.
"Yeah," he choked out. "That went on for a while, and in the midst, feelings became involved."
"For both of you?"
Jacob hesitated before nodding. She took a deep breath and frowned, taking her hands back from being clasped in Jacob's.
"Do you love her?" Renesmee's words echoed Leah's prior ones again and he nodded, exhaling slowly. "Differently than you love me?"
"I do love you," he admitted. "But I'm in love with Leah. Maybe if Leah hadn't of been involved with me prior to now things would be different, but I just… I can't do this with you when my heart isn't completely here."
The words were surprisingly easy to say, and once more, his wolf stayed quiet, letting him voice what he wanted. His wolf was giving him emotional whiplash but at least now it was finally fucking silent again rather than pushing him toward sleeping with Renesmee. He thought back to the situation Leah had been in with Jeremy – she thought that they could be happy, entirely and completely, if not for being involved with him and now, he understood.
Maybe things would be different right now if he hadn't had gotten involved with Leah at all, but he couldn't bring himself to regret that decision, even in this moment. He had watched Leah change the past few months and he had to admit, the once sombre female that everyone dreaded being around made him very happy. He felt so accomplished every time that he made her smile and he felt that real, unedited and natural kind of love that he once felt for Bella.
"So you're not coming with us I assume?" She tried to hide the hurt in her voice, but Jacob heard it.
"La Push is my home," he whispered.
"With Leah?"
"Leah and I have a lot to talk about, but yeah, I hope so; eventually."
"If she loves you, she'll come around."
Jacob nodded hesitantly. "You don't know Leah; she's the most infuriating woman I've ever met." And beautiful and sexy and difficult.
Nessie smiled softly. "I've never really seen you back down from a challenge, Jake."
He chuckled. "You don't know Leah."
"She seems nice. I mean... not really to me, but I kind of understand why. But she makes you happy, right?"
"It feels natural," he admitted. "It's like... breathing with her." He remembered telling Bella how easy it could have been with him using those words and he never thought the she-wolf back on the reservation would ever be the one his soul found true solace with.
"I don't understand, though. If you don't want me, why are things complicated with her? You said you both love each other; you've slept together."
"Because she knows I care about you, too."
"But you just told me you love her more; you're in love with her."
Jacob hesitated, not sure how to explain this to her. "Yes, but if I told you I loved you and wanted to be with you, but a part of me would always care about someone else, because of an imprint, how would you feel?"
Renesmee contemplated this for a long moment before frowning, "She's jealous of our imprint?"
"I don't think jealous is the right word," though, it was a fair point and he was sure there was some jealousy there, too. "I think she's scared to get involved with me knowing the imprint is involved because she doesn't want to get hurt."
"I love you," she said easily, the words rolling off her tongue. "Enough that I won't force the imprint on you. You should… you should be with Leah if that's who you want. You don't have to change to be with her." The words hurt her chest, but she knew it was the right thing to do.
"I do," he sighed. "Because I have to fight this imprint to be with her and I think we're both scared that I won't be able to."
"You just did," she said simply.
He looked into her beautiful eyes and sighed, "I'm so sorry I let this happen Nessie. I know I told you that we would be together… Traditionally, that is what happens. I didn't mean to deceive you. Leah being a wolf and us getting involved… well, it changed things more than I could have imagined."
"It's okay," she said gently, reaching out to touch his cheek and show him how many good moments she had with him before letting her hand fall. "We're always going to be close; the imprint needs that, but as much as it hurts," she blinked back dampness accumulating in her eyes. "I want you to be happy. You're right. You belong here. My mom told me that you never wanted her to 'throw her humanity away'," she quoted their conversation earlier. "How you tried to protect her and keep her safe."
"Why did she tell you that?"
"She told me that I should give you the option to come with us or not – not just ask you to. When I asked her why, she told me how she had a choice in how her life played out and that you should, too, because if we did decide to be together, it wouldn't be easy. I would have to ask you to keep phasing forever to be with me and she said how you never wanted immortality before the imprint. She also mentioned children, but I never really thought that far ahead. I assume you want a family someday, though. Who knows what that looks like between us? I wanted to… well, fight the odds and make it work with you if you wanted that, but I appreciate your honesty with me about Leah."
She wanted him to want her, naturally, but she wasn't going to force him into something he didn't want – or that he was unsure about. That wasn't fair to him, but also not to herself, or Leah - she actually liked the she-wolf, despite her unpleasant demeanour at times. Her Aunt Rosalie had told her enough about Leah's past to decide that she would probably be unpleasant at times, too, if she had been through what the she-wolf had and she loved Jacob so much and would never want him to be unhappy. Every woman wanted to be chosen, not forced into something that wasn't reciprocated, as much as it hurt.
Jacob wasn't really sure what to say; Nessie was giving him permission to walk away. Did he really get to do that? Just… walk away? Would it be a clean break, or would he end up in compromising positions every time he was with her, regardless? He wasn't sure, but right now, with his wolf silenced, he felt like he could do it; he wanted to.
"You need to figure out you and Leah," she said softly. "And I need to figure out how to... well, be this; live and explore things. As much as I hate being away from you, I can't ask you to be someone you're not for me. I love you too much to let you throw away your humanity. I just... wish things were different," she said honestly, choking down the lump in her throat. "I hadn't expected it to be this hard..."
"I'm sorry," he said again, feeling as though he couldn't apologize enough. As a tear fell from her eye, he reached up and brushed it off her cheek. "You deserve someone who is all in," he said levelly. "Someone who only thinks about and loves you. You'll find it, I know you will, and I'm very sorry that it wasn't me."
"Me too," she sighed as another tear fell, "But I guess we're just not meant to be. I'll be in touch all the time," she said softly. "I promise. And we'll visit. But I want you to explore your own happiness here. Leah deserves to feel that, too - someone who's all-in. So, show her that you are."
"Leah feels like… home," he said, remembering his words to Sam.
She nodded. "Well make her see that. Tell her that I'm sorry that our imprint has caused so many issues and that I don't intend for it to continue causing problems in the future."
He reached over to hug her tightly, as more tears fell from her eyes and he kissed her cheek when he pulled back. "You're an incredible woman."
"Will you be by between now and when I leave?" She asked innocently.
"I think it's best if we say goodbye now," his chest felt crushed by the words. "I don't think I should go around your dad quite yet."
His head wasn't clear enough and the desire inside him kept picturing those knee-highs. Despite the gimmicks being incredibly sexy, he realized Leah was sexy as just herself – she didn't need lingerie to call to his every need, though admittedly if he could fix things between them, he may need to stop by a Victoria's Secret to find something for her to wear next time they were together, because damn, it would look great on her. Maybe something white, to contrast her tanned skin. No, that was too angelic. Red. Red was perfect.
Nessie understood and reached over, hugging him tightly again. "I love you, Jacob." Pulling back, she met his humbling gaze. "If things were different and I wasn't immortal and you weren't a wolf sworn to protect La Push, well, maybe we would have had a better chance."
Despite the sadness, Jacob felt at her words, he smiled at the sobering reality of them. "Yes, maybe if we both we're supernatural creatures," he agreed teasingly. He cupped her cheek in his hands. "Thank you… for giving me the choice."
She nodded, looking at him under her lashes. "This isn't goodbye," she said suddenly. "We're going to be back to visit - a lot, to satisfy the imprint's pull, so don't think you're getting rid of me just yet." She got up off the bed and went behind the divider in her room to change into some actual clothes.
"Will I always want to be close to you when I come back? Even if we're with other people? Being near you soothes me."
Jacob sighed, "I don't know, it's still complicated. I'm going to assume yes – that's the imprint." It would physically pain him to be away from her, there was no denying that. "When do you think you'll be back to visit?"
Renesmee came back out, fully clothed now, and shrugged. "A couple of months when we get settled, probably. I'm sure mom will be back to see Charlie by then."
He nodded, feeling his wolf sigh at the months ahead. "Well I guess I better go. I've got some major damage control to do with Leah and I think it's best if we… well, both cool off a little from earlier. I'd rather not be here when your parents get home." She nodded and he stood up before her. "Take care of yourself and be careful. Oh - and hide those condom's well because if your dad finds them, I'll be dead."
Renesmee giggled and pulled back, kissing his cheek on her tip-toes. "I will. Follow your heart, Jacob. If that's Leah, make her see that, okay?"
Jacob nodded, still unsure what exactly to do with Leah. They had so much history and things were still complicated. As easy as it was being with Leah in relation to Renesmee in a situational sense, it was still hard to give himself entirely to anyone with the imprint always looming. There would always be a special woman in his life – Renesmee and he didn't know how Leah would handle that. She had been second best for so long, and he understood her need to be the only girl in the room. She deserved that and he wanted to figure out how to make her see that she wasn't second best for him – he would do whatever it took. He walked away tonight - but this was only the beginning of the life-long struggle if they chose to really try to try any semblance of a relationship together. "I'll do my best."
Jacob pushed his boots back onto his feet and grabbed the keys to his bike and they said goodbye one last time as he walked out the cabin's doors and drove back to the reservation.
As much as he wanted to go see Leah, he couldn't. Not yet. Not when his head was still so unclear, his body was still tormented from the temptation of Nessie, and he smelled exactly like her. He wasn't making that mistake again.
Jacob went home, ignoring the questions that his dad was asking about where he was, and jumped in the shower immediately. He made sure to scrub Nessie off him before throwing on fresh clothes and leaving the house again. He didn't know what he was doing, but his feet took him right to the Clearwater's house. He knocked and Seth let him in, telling him Leah was upstairs in her room.
Leah was on her bed, face into a book when he entered.
She sighed seeing him and she put her book down on the bed beside her. "I told Seth not to let you in."
"Well it's a good thing that he didn't listen this time," Jacob said effortlessly. "We need to talk."
"I'm so sick of that line."
Jacob went over, sitting next to her on her bed. "I want this; I want us. I've never been surer of anything, ever. Please, Leah, let's work through this-"
"There is no us," Leah said fiercely, turning toward him. "There never was, Jake. Not really."
"We both know that's not true."
Leah laughed, but it lacked mirth.
"Nessie is leaving in the morning," he said firmly. "The Cullen's and her need to relocate to fit in. I told her I won't be going with her."
Leah's brow furrowed, "Why?"
"Because I belong here."
"What about the imprint?"
Jacob reached over to take her hands in his and he was pleasantly surprised when she let him - probably just because his words had surprised her enough for her guard to come down a little. "We're not acting on it. We'll both visit to satisfy the pull, but we won't be exploring a romantic connection moving forward."
She was clearly confused, and sighed, "I don't know what to say."
"I do. I told her my heart was somewhere else. She said she wouldn't make me change to be with her – that she wanted me to have the choice and be happy. Renesmee's letting me go." It was what she wanted to hear, but there was something about the way that he said it that didn't sit well with her. She sighed, and Jacob saw the confliction in her eyes. "What are you thinking?"
"So… Nessie is leaving in the morning… but, just because she's leaving doesn't mean I'm willing to be your consolation prize."
"You're not a consolation prize – you're who I want to be with. She wanted to try things with us, and I told her I couldn't because my heart belonged to someone else. What else can I do to prove that to you?"
Leah met his gaze and Jacob took in the beauty behind her deep chocolate eyes and how even with her defensive body language, no woman turned him on more than her. When Leah didn't respond, Jacob felt his heart clench because he knew that the honesty that he was about to spout to Leah would hurt her, and probably kill any chance he had left, but he had no choice but to be honest if they were going to make this work.
He had to tell her; utter the words that he didn't want to say, and he forced them out of his mouth. "She asked me to sleep with her." Leah's calm, but confused features immediately transformed to both anger and pain and Jacob felt his heart crush in his chest. "But I didn't – I stopped it because I don't want her like that, I want –"
"Don't," Leah said firmly. He saw her eyes fill with tears and he knew that he would feel better if she had hit him or yelled as opposed to cried. But right now, his emotions didn't matter - only hers did. He had screwed up, and he had to own that and beg her forgiveness. "Don't say it. I don't want to hear it. I could accept that you were going to leave when she got older and the imprint changed into something romantic. Even if you chose to go around the world with her, whatever. It would have sucked, but I would have understood. But don't sit there and tell me when your dick was almost in her that you chose me or want me or love me. It's disgusting and pathetic." She was trying to keep a fierce note to her voice, but her sadness was overwhelming.
She remembered how easy it was before Renesmee matured; how they had actually talked about going on a real date and being together exclusively, and she wished for it back so badly, even if they hadn't known what the future held. They did, now, and it sucked. It was easier to lie to herself and be naive than it was to face the sombre truth of Jacob loving two women. Ignorance was bliss, after all.
She looked away from him, blinking back the tears brimming her eyes and Jacob felt void of all emotion. But he wasn't letting her push him away. He didn't care how hard this would be. He reached out to touch her shoulder and she shrugged him off. "Let me make all of this up to you. I'll do whatever you need. I want to be with you. My judgement… it lapsed earlier. I should have told Renesmee that I wasn't interested right away, but the imprint's pull-"
"Don't talk to me about the imprint," Leah cried, looking back to him as a rogue tear slipped down her cheek. "I know all about it your stupid imprint. If we're together and she comes back in what, a years' time, and wants to fuck you, what then? Can you just blame it on the imprint and that's that?"
"I didn't sleep with her," he said strongly.
"Why not?"
"I told you-"
"No, you said you almost did; that you stopped it. Why did the sobering realization of your feelings come into fruition right before you ended up in bed with her?" Jacob hesitated, seeing more tears flow down her cheeks. When he didn't answer, she sighed. "Just tell me, Jacob."
He dropped her gaze and looked down, taking in the floral pattern of her bedspread. The one they had slept in so many times – where he held her, kissed her, and made love to her even if they didn't realize that's what they were doing at the time. "I went to undo her bra. All I could think about was the night in the garage… and the car…"
Leah felt sick. She turned away from him, looking out the window into the darkness, trying to stop herself from allowing any more tears to fall over him, but her heart was breaking. She didn't respond; her mind pictured him and her in bed together, him on top of her, tangled in the sheets, making the small, sweet sounds that he evoked from her come out of another woman's lips.
"Say something, please," he whispered.
"I hate you," she said finally, meeting his gaze, eyes clouded with more tears, jaw clenched. "I hate you so fucking much."
If she said anything else to him, he was sure it would have hurt less, but he knew she was mad and Leah Clearwater's anger wasn't something to play with and he deserved her scorn right now.
"I'm sorry, Leah, I hate myself too for letting tonight get even remotely…" He didn't even know what to call it, but he felt tears in his eyes, too. "I will make it up to you, I swear. Please, just give me the chance to show you how sorry I am. I'll never hurt you again, I promise. I'll fight for you and be the man you deserve. I love you. I'm in love with you. I know that, you know that, and Renesmee knows that now. I want you."
"How can I trust you when you keep breaking my heart?" she choked out, emotion raw in her voice as she avoided his gaze.
He was wrong; that was the worst thing she could have said to him. Jacob reached over and pulled her into his chest as soon as her tears started flowing down her cheeks more heavily. She hit him away and squirmed in his arms, but he didn't let go. He was speechless - his own heartbreaking at the thought of hurting her. Again. He was no better than Sam, no matter how hard he had tried to be different.
She buried her face into his chest and stopped fighting him, letting him hold her and console her. Her chest was tight, body shaking, eyes wet, and head pounding, but she still felt safe in Jacob's arms. She knew he was being honest and when she felt dampness falling from his eyes, too, she knew he was a victim to the imprint tonight. But she couldn't make him feel better about it; not when she refused to be a victim of his imprint, too. They wouldn't be together, of that she was sure, but she let the familiar smell of soap and sweat mixed on his skin enter her nostrils, melting into his embrace, hoping that someday, she would feel more than a broken heart in the face of love. She felt him rub his hands up and down her back and heard his heavy breathing attempting to regulate.
I love you. I'm in love with you. I want you.
The words replayed on a permanent loop and she wanted so badly to be able to fall into his soothing words, but she couldn't allow herself to let her guard down; let her heart control her actions.
She remembered Sam's words, outside of the wedding.
I will always love you.
At the time, it seemed like those five words would be forever ingrained on her mind, but now, she had Jacob's words saving over them; a fresh heartbreak. Unfortunately, men's love for her seemed to always pale in comparison to something else - something better, whether they wanted it to or not. Maybe she was just destined to be alone - forever unable to love a man who truly cared for her, like Jeremy, and always stuck caring for men who were ill-suited for her. Or, maybe, she was just wallowing in a dark hole of her own self-pity, but it seemed acceptable right now. After all, she knew from the beginning that she and Jacob couldn't be long-term, but she pursued it anyway.
It wasn't fair to blame the hurt she was feeling now on him when she knowingly allowed this to happen, but after everything that happened with Renesmee, it was hard not to blame him for her new pain. Again, he had given her a false hope of an out. Questions swirled around her mind, but none had answers and she wasn't sure how much time had passed before her eyes dried. Jacob continued to hold her tightly to him, as though his tight grasp would turn back time, and Leah had never felt more conflicted before in her life. His arms were warm, and she could hear his heart beating hard in his chest and was willing to bet he, too, wished that they could go back to the way they were, but could she forgive him?
It would be so easy to push Jacob away, despite her feelings. Easier than standing beside him and trying to make this work. But was it worth it? If it worked, absolutely, but if not? She was the idiotic girl who believed in something unobtainable. Was it better to be hopeful and take a leap of faith even if it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, or, give up hope and refuse to be disappointed? Was love enough?
She pulled away from Jacob and saw him, too, wipe his cheeks dry and she gulped before meeting his eyes. "I don't know what to say. I'm so confused right now."
Jacob frowned and nodded, "I understand."
Silence fell between them and he sighed. "Can I stay the night? Just… be here with you?"
She knew it was wrong, but nodded anyway and laid back on her bed. Jacob followed suit and pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her as she rested her head on his chest. Jacob reached down and draped a blanket over their bodies. He smelled like him - no trace of vamp, but the mental images kept coming. She wished for sleep to overtake her but it was a long time coming.