NOTE: This chapter mentions of self-harm, trauma, depression, and anxiety, read with caution.

Originally posted on Ameri Lie's channel (10/27/2017)

[A Character Study]

.

IV.

needs versus wants

What did she want?

The question echoed within her, a never-ending prose she couldn't cast away, because if she did, other thoughts would grasp her tightly until she lost all the air in her lungs.

Rika had her choices, but each one only left her wondering what the other could bring, and change was so, so, frightening.

She'd fought tooth and nail to get where she was. She didn't want to look, but she could no longer stall for time.

Jihyun didn't turn away when he accidentally caught a glimpse of her in the corner of her small unlit room that day. He didn't leave even when she hadn't answered the door, when his soft probing left only awkward silence in its wake.

He only sat a few feet apart from her and waited until she spoke.

It surprised her, because while she stuttered and sobbed out bits and pieces of her woes, Jihyun gently rubbed circles on her knuckles with half-lidded eyes, face set in a meditative sort of trance. When she braced herself for the worst, Jihyun admitted that her darkness even fascinated him.

He was weird, but a welcome sort of weird, she concluded back then. For someone like him to be interested in her was a novel thought. It came to the point where he documented all her scars with a curious gleam in his eyes, her tears gathered and used in each shot, her fears printed unto the photographic paper with all the care of a surgeon operating on a heart transplant patient.

Their routine had gotten her to witness his odd quirks, how he'd try to be so patiently giving with each session when she'd plummeted into her off-days. Afterwards, he'd grip his tobacco pipe in thought as he pore over his photos.

It was soothing, somehow.

Besides that, his eyes were too expressive, too open that she felt the need to bare herself in return. She slowly did so of course, but there was a hesitance she couldn't initially place.

Months passed, and it finally clicked why.

It was the look in his eyes when he thought he was alone, bending over his desk in the dark with only a lamp as his company.

He was broken, but he covered it up with a smile that could match the sun in intensity, as if there was nothing wrong in the world. As if he had plenty of love to give despite the gaping hole in his heart.

He was addicting.

That was when she had thought that maybe he was like her.

So she committed to opening her heart to the man, in hopes that she could continue to receive that smile. Gave it her all even on the days where doubt clouded her, when anxiety clutched at her like chains that forced her to leave little crescent moons on her palms.

He smiled even brighter.

Everyday afterwards was a fairy tale come true. She helped the unfortunate, took on responsibilities, and even walked into the hospital to manage her darkness better.

It was the first in a long time where she actually lived up to her namesake.

Then, Sally died.

Her fault for being so naive. So, so naive and stupid. Jihyun didn't understand. Why did she think she was better if she couldn't even save one life?

She believed in those lies that salvation of self led to salvation of all, to the point that she had claimed them as the irrefutable truth. Now she was being punished for her ego. She deserved this pain, not even a fraction of what Sally had felt, no matter what Jihyun said.

Perhaps it all became too much then. Jihyun's smiles became strained over time.

She didn't want him to see him like that. Not when his smiles chased away the sneers in the back of her head. That was why she had done everything in her power to make him stay, even when at the same time, she wanted to let go.

Her body wouldn't listen, drawing red with her nails.

Drip, drip, drip. So mocking in her ears.

The knife she gripped that day. Drip. Dripping. She washed memories of it off her like mere grime, now it assaulted her mind anew with shrill screams and pained moans.

Look at what you've done.

He accepted the scar with grace, waning smile mingling with a sadness that tore at her insides. A tiny part of her soul screamed at her that this was wrong.

Yet, why should you listen? He promised. He promised you! That old voice crooned. Liars go to hell, little one, but if you listen to me...

He was her sun, he had promised to stay and accept her darkness as deep as the blackest of nights.

The inevitable still arrived knocking at her fragile house of cards.

He left.

In that home once so full of life, the gap he left meant she and the child had to shuffle into new unfamiliar roles they were ill-suited for.

Now, all she felt was emptiness. Soon there was anger at the emptiness, at his betrayal, at how he lied.

Liar.

Liar.

Liar!

She would triumph. With or without anyone else.

Plans she once discarded laid back on the table. Time and money was no problem, with excuses made for her and resources readily available. Old responsibilities could be passed to another, she was sure they didn't truly care if they stopped anyways. Everything was set up perfectly, and Mint Eye would reap the rewards soon enough.

That was, before Saeran enticed the girl over.

MC.

She was a star. Shining brightly despite the dim circumstances, at how she had been thrust into a situation that she had no obligation to solve. Rika had been the one to start the change, yes, but she had figured that the damned part of the hypocrite was something everyone participated in.

The girl was one among many other stars in the universe, but she stayed strong. If she heard a startling revelation or was met with the less smoothened parts of Saeran, she'd grit her teeth and slap her cheeks, reigniting the flames. Empathetic and kind, it was no wonder why the rest of RFA were starting to come out of their shells again.

However, she could see her determination slowly break with each passing day, held by a thin string that was incomprehensible until she had a chance to converse with MC herself.

She even took it upon herself to understand Saeran, even if the facade of composure cracked under his newly fostered intensity.

It was awe-inspiring.

She was addicting.

Change was frightening, and it wasn't something she could stop. The choice was in her hands, and staring at her future from behind a monitor was a far cry from actually standing there. Soon.

But what did she want?