IceK04 - I know your comment was on chapter 14, but I completely forgot to address it last time, I'm so sorry! I'll keep your suggestion in mind for the future, but right now, I don't imagine Rache is dating yet, I do have plans for her to start dating someone later in the fic, and it's not Finn so you don't need to worry!
fanipayne - I agree that sometimes it feels like Rachel and Shelby have swapped roles, and Rachel has mentioned it too. Rachel will be going to see her own therapist in a couple of chapters time, but the next chapter will see Shelby comforting Rachel a little!
I don't think I'll be posting an update next week, so this one's a little longer than usual to make up for that! I hope those of you that celebrate have a great Christmas, and I hope those of you that don't celebrate have an awesome week anyway!
Leroy ordered takeout from Rachel's favourite restaurant for dinner, the food he'd been preparing left on the hob, forgotten about in his rush to help Shelby. He didn't care though, wasn't even sure he had the energy to finish cooking. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't feeling shaken by how extreme Shelby's panic attack had been, and he wished there was something, anything, he could do to get back the woman that had joined them at the dinner table just 24 hours ago.
"Rachel Darling" it was Hiram who went to wake her, his heart breaking at the way Shelby's mascara sat under her eyes, at the tears he could see dried on Rachel's cheeks, mother and daughter clinging almost desperately to each other in sleep. Rachel groaned slightly and Hiram kissed her hair, "it's time for dinner Princess."
"Shelby" Rachel whispered.
"Let her get some rest" Hiram helped Rachel from her Mom's embrace, slipping a pillow under Shelby's arm to keep her settled, much like Shelby had done with Rachel that morning, "even if we woke her she probably wouldn't feel up to eating right now" he said as he led Rachel from the room, "her body was in a state of high anxiety earlier, and from the sounds of it she was there for a long time, she'll have used a lot of energy for that, so right now, sleeping is the best thing she can be doing, we'll make sure she eats when she wakes" he promised.
"Okay" Rachel nodded, allowing herself to be sat down at the table where her favourite dish from the Thai restaurant she loved was placed in front of her.
"Rachel" Leroy reached out when he saw Rachel was just playing with her food and not really eating it, "I know you're worried about Shelby, but she's safe. Daddy's going to take tomorrow off work and stay home with her, he'll talk to her, see if he can get to the bottom of things."
"I wish I hadn't asked her to come to glee" Rachel whispered, "I should never have…"
"Pumpkin" Leroy interrupted, "even if that was the cause, and I'm not saying it is, but even if it was, you didn't know that inviting Shelby to see you perform would have this effect. If Shelby was that worried, if she knew she'd have this reaction, she wouldn't have agreed to watch you."
"Your Dad's right Princess, I've had panic attacks before and sometimes they just creep up on you from nowhere. Please don't blame yourself."
Rachel nodded but didn't eat any more food before asking, "can I be excused please? I appreciate you buying the takeout but I just don't feel hungry."
"Of course" Leroy nodded, "you know you can help yourself if you feel hungry later."
"I know. Thank you" Rachel kissed both her fathers on the cheek before leaving the room, both men in no doubt that Rachel was heading straight for Shelby's bed.
Hiram and Leroy both checked on Shelby and Rachel over the course of the evening but neither of them woke, they were right, Rachel was, once again, curled in Shelby's arms, mother holding daughter close as they both slept. "Do you think you'd wake if Shelby or Rachel did?" Hiram asked his husband as they both got ready for bed that evening.
"Probably" Leroy nodded as he changed into his pyjamas, "why?"
"I erm, I think I might take a pill tonight."
Leroy frowned and crossed the room to stand before his husband, reaching out to take his hand. "Are you okay? You haven't needed anything to help you sleep for a while."
"I know" Hiram squeezed Leroy's hand, "and I'm okay, honestly, I just think that without it, I'm probably going to spend the night tossing and turning, not able to sleep just in case one of them wakes up, and I'm staying home with Shelby, I don't want her to notice if I haven't slept and blame herself, so if you think you'd wake, it's probably for the best that I knock myself out for the next eight hours so I can be whatever Shelby needs in the morning."
Leroy nodded and kissed Hiram gently, "you'd tell me if you were struggling wouldn't you."
"Of course" Hiram nodded, "I'm just a little worried about Shelby, and Rachel of course and I want to be sure that I get some sleep tonight."
"Okay" Leroy nodded, "and I'll wake up if they do" he promised, knowing that, like his husband, he'd probably struggle to fall asleep, his body on edge in case Rachel or Shelby needed anything.
Hiram went into the bathroom and took the sleeping pills from the cabinet, swallowing one before making his way back into the bedroom and climbing into bed beside his husband. "I don't know if Shelby might get up in the morning, and you might need to wake Rachel, I don't know if she has an alarm set on her phone, or even if her phone's in Shelby's room."
"Hiram" Leroy kissed his husband to silence him, "if Shelby wakes, I'll try and talk her into staying home, and I'll make sure Rachel's up and ready for school on time" he ran his fingers through Hiram's hair, tugging gently and kissing his husband again, "would a massage help you relax?"
"What do you mean?"
"I know you'll be asleep soon, but you need to relax Hiram, I know what's going on with Shelby isn't easy, we're all finding it tough, and I…" he sighed, "I know you want to help her, and I won't ever stop you, but I'm worried about how this is going to affect you and your mental health."
Hiram snuggled closer to Leroy, reaching up to gently stroke his cheeks with his fingertips. "You're right" he said softly, "it is tough, she was so strong and now she just seems so broken, but I promise you that I'm okay. I'm coping Leroy, yes I'm worried about Shelby, about Rachel too but I don't feel like I'm slipping back into my own depression, and I promise you, I promise that if I do feel my mood changing, that if I do feel like it's getting too much I'll tell you, and if I think I need to see the doctor or my therapist then I'll let you know."
"Thank you" Leroy laid down, Hiram still curled in his arms, "I love you."
Hiram yawned as he kissed Leroy softly, "I love you too" he whispered.
"We'll get through this" he promised, "the four of us, we'll get through it together, Shelby's family whether she wants to admit it or not, we aren't going to let her fight this alone."
Shelby didn't get up the next morning, her eyes barely opening as she turned off her alarm before falling back to sleep, not even noticing that she was cuddled up with Rachel. Leroy left Hiram and Shelby sleeping as he made sure Rachel was up on time for school, the teen forgoing her usual exercise routine and instead, spending a while cuddled into her Dad on the couch, needing his comfort, "she'll be okay" Leroy promised, "Daddy's staying home with her, she'll be safe with him."
Hiram came downstairs just before Rachel left for school, he too hugging his daughter and promising her he'd take good care of Shelby. Rachel had been disappointed that her Mom hadn't woken, but she settled for kissing her cheek and whispering that she loved her before leaving for the day.
It was a little after 9.30 when Hiram heard the creak of the floorboards above him, then a few minutes later, the flush of the toilet and the tap running as Shelby washed her hands.
He gave her ten minutes, but when she didn't come down, Hiram headed upstairs, knocking gently before pushing the door open when he heard a quiet 'yeah' from the room.
"Hey" he smiled softly as he saw Shelby cocooned in the duvet, "I heard you had a rough day yesterday" he said, taking in Shelby's appearance, the woman still in the clothes she'd worn to work the day before, her hair messy from tossing and turning in her sleep, eyes rimmed red with tears and the remains of her make up still on her face.
"Yeah" Shelby sighed, she couldn't remember much of what happened after she brought Rachel home, but from the lingering tightness in her chest and the jittery anxious feeling she was struggling to shake, she could probably guess that she'd had a panic attack.
"Do you feel up to eating anything?"
Shelby shook her head, "not really" she whispered.
"Okay" Hiram understood, he'd been there himself, "how about I get you some clean clothes out then?" he suggested, "I've called Carmel and told them you're in bed with a migraine, so why don't you get changed and we can go and sit in the garden, I know fresh air sometimes helps clear my mind when everything seems too much, we don't have to talk."
Shelby nodded, "okay" she whispered, she didn't really want to, would much rather stay in bed and hide from the world, but she knew Hiram was trying, that he wanted to help her.
"Okay" he smiled, rubbing her arm through the duvet, easily finding Shelby some clean pyjamas and placing them on the bed with underwear and socks, "you get changed, I'll be back in a minute" he told her, leaving the room to give her privacy to change.
Hiram made his way to the guest bathroom whilst Shelby was changing, looking through Shelby's belongings, hoping she wouldn't mind him snooping, he found what he wanted before going back to the guest room and knocking on the door. "What…" Shelby had changed and was sat on the edge of the bed when Hiram came in, his arms full of bottles that she recognised as her own toiletries.
"Sit back" he gestured for her to sit against the headboard of the bed, and, slightly confused, she did as he asked without question, wanting to cry when he lined up all the bottles on the bed before taking a make up wipe and gently cleaning her face of anything that was left from the previous day. He used her cleanser and toner before carefully rubbing moisturiser into her skin.
"Why are you doing this?" she asked, a tear slipping down her cheek when he asked her to sit forward a little, gently moving her into a comfortable position so that he could carefully comb through her tangled curls before tying them back in a simple ponytail with a band he'd found wrapped around the handle of the comb.
"I've been here" he told her, "I know that sometimes even the simplest things feel like they'll take more energy than you have, and that's okay, just like it's okay to let someone look after you if you don't think you can look after yourself. And I know sometimes it's the little things, like a clean pair of pyjamas or washing your face that help you to feel a tiny bit better."
"Thank you."
Hiram reached for Shelby's shaking hand and squeezed it softly, "you don't need to thank me Shel. To Leroy and I, you're family, we might not be able to change the past sixteen years, but I promise you, we will do all we can to make sure that you and Rachel get to spend the next sixteen, hell, the next sixty years together. You're family and we love you, we'll do whatever we can to help you." Shelby couldn't find the words to respond, so she squeezed the hand holding hers, hoping he knew just how grateful she was to him and Leroy. "Come on" he stood, tugging gently on Shelby's hand, "let's go and get some fresh air."
He sat her on a chair in the sun before telling Shelby he'd be back in a minute. "What's this?" Shelby asked as Hiram set a tray down on the table.
"I thought you might like a coffee" he gestured to the mugs, "and I know you said you didn't feel up to eating but it's been almost 24 hours since you last ate anything so I made you some toast, and then I brought you your meds, some water to take them with and your cigarettes."
Once again Shelby felt tears pricking at her eyes, "thank you" she whispered, her hand shaking slightly as she reached for the toast, knowing Hiram was right, she hadn't eaten since lunch the day before, and even that hadn't been much, she probably should try and eat something.
She managed just half a slice before reaching for the box of pills, her antidepressants had completely slipped her mind so she was glad Hiram had remembered for her. She swallowed the pill before reaching for her cigarettes, "here" Hiram pulled over something Shelby hadn't noticed on the tray, "ashtray."
Shelby nodded, "thank you" she smiled as she took a cigarette and her lighter from the packet, frowning when she struggled to light the cigarette, her hands shaking too much to hold the lighter in place for long enough.
"Come here" Hiram took the lighter from Shelby, handing it back once her cigarette was lit.
"Thanks" Shelby sighed as she dropped the lighter onto the table, angling herself so the smoke from her cigarette was blowing away from the man sat beside her. They were silent for a while before Shelby spoke again, "I'm surprised Rachel hasn't lectured me about how bad smoking is for my vocal chords."
Hiram chuckled, "I think that right now, she's just happy to have you here, give it time, the lectures and the diva tantrums will come."
Shelby was silent as she smoked her cigarette for a while before speaking again, "thank you. For raising her so well. I kept telling myself that she was happy, that she was loved, and I'm glad I wasn't wrong."
"She's amazing" Hiram smiled, "Leroy and I can never thank you enough for letting us raise your baby."
He heard Shelby sniffle quietly but before he could ask if she was okay she whispered, "she isn't is she? She's your baby, yours and Leroy's."
"Shelby, her DNA is half yours, you carried her, you gave birth to her, she is your daughter." Shelby dipped her head, and closed her eyes, willing her tears not to fall, "has something happened?"
Shelby shook her head, "no, nothing, it's fine."
"You know Rachel can't lie to Leroy and I either" Hiram told her, "but if you change your mind, you know you can always come to us."
Shelby said nothing, instead choosing to stub out her cigarette in the ashtray and sip at her coffee, closing her eyes when Hiram took hold of her shaking hand after he saw a single tear roll down her cheek.
"Rachel wanted me to hear a song she'd written in Glee yesterday" she finally whispered, her hand still in Hiram's, "I left after she'd finished, I didn't want anyone to see me and start asking why the coach of their biggest competition was hiding in the shadows during their rehearsal. I was waiting in the parking lot for her when Will Schuester came out. He said Rachel's song worried him and he was going to call you. I told him she was fine and that the song was about me. He told me he thought it would be best if he called her parents to talk to them about it."
"Oh Shel" Hiram squeezed her hand, "he's wrong, you are as much Rachel's parent as we are, and, if it makes any difference, Leroy told him as much when he called here last night."
"Leroy said…"
"He told Will that if you said Rachel was fine then she was fine, that we were encouraging you both to build a relationship and we'd appreciate it if he supported that."
Shelby smiled slightly, "thank you."
"I keep telling you, there's nothing for you to thank us for." he took a deep breath, "Leroy and I were talking last night too, he's going to make some phone calls and speak to some people today, we didn't want to say anything to you until we knew if it's possible or not, but if we can, and if you want, we'd like to get your parental rights reinstated. But even if that's not possible, to us, you are always, and have always been Rachel's Mom."
"She erm, she calls me Mom sometimes" Shelby whispered.
Hiram smiled, "Leroy said she called you Mom last night, when she came down to get him."
"I don't think she does it intentionally" Shelby mused, "she calls me Shelby a lot but sometimes she calls me Mom."
"We've told her" Hiram said gently, "that whether she calls you Mom or Shelby is something that's between the two of you, Leroy and I don't mind either way."
"I don't…" Shelby sighed, "I know I gave birth to her but I don't, I don't feel like her Mom."
Hiram smiled sadly, "that's because you've not really been in her life for long, the more time you spend together, the more you get to know each other, the more you'll feel like her Mom, but I know Rachel sees you as her Mom."
"You think?"
"I know" Hiram squeezed Shelby's hand, "she was over the moon when she found you, and on Wednesday, when you spent time with her, she was so happy Shelby, and she fell asleep in your arms, she hasn't fallen asleep like that with Leroy or I for years. She loves you Shelby and mental health be damned, she's so happy to have you here.
There was silence for a while before Shelby spoke again, it was something that had been on her mind for a while and she felt like she needed to say it before she burst, "I erm, I think I'm going to step down from vocal adrenaline" Shelby told Hiram, "I've been thinking about it for a while now but I think, for my own sake, I need to take a step back and, and not put so much pressure on myself any more."
"That sounds like a good idea" Hiram nodded, "have you thought about taking some time off work?"
Shelby nodded, reaching for her cigarettes, tapping the packet against the table before putting it back down again, "I did think about it, but I don't think it would help, I think I need something to keep me busy, to stop my mind dwelling on certain things."
"Okay" Hiram understood, knew sometimes he just wanted to keep himself occupied to stop his thoughts wandering, "just as long as you know that it's an option and you don't need to keep struggling along if you feel like you need to take a break." Shelby nodded but said nothing so Hiram decided to try and approach something that had been bothering him since Leroy had first mentioned it, but he wasn't entirely sure how Shelby would react, "Leroy said you were packing a case last night..."
Shelby nodded, "I, you, I felt like I don't belong here, like I'm just imposing on your family."
"Oh Shelby" Hiram took her hand again, "we wouldn't have the family we do if it wasn't for you, and I know you might not believe us, but we've wanted you to be a part of this for so long, we kept trying to track you down, trying to find you again but you just seemed to vanish, and I guess that eventually we lost hope and gave up. If we'd have known you were so close Shelby, you have to believe me, we'd have been in touch, we'd have let you in much sooner."
Shelby didn't say anything, she didn't know what to say, as much as she wished she had been in Rachel's life sooner, she knew that for quite a while when Rachel was younger, she wouldn't, mentally, have been able to be Rachel's Mom, she wasn't sure she was capable of being her Mom now either if she was honest but she knew, for Rachel's sake, she had to try.
Hiram watched as Shelby got lost in her thoughts but he didn't disturb her, trusted that she'd tell him if there was anything he could do. He was startled a few moments later when Shelby groaned in anguish and curled forward until her head was almost resting on her knees. "Shelby?" Hiram was worried, "what's wrong?"
"I feel like shit" she whispered as tears filled her eyes, she'd felt okay but suddenly felt like she'd been hit by a truck, "I just want to take the valium and try and pass out but I have an appointment I need to drive to tomorrow."
"Is it an appointment you can reschedule?"
"Most likely" Shelby whispered, "but I don't know how long it would take to reschedule it and I just want to get it over and done with."
"Okay, well, Leroy or I could drive you if…"
"No" Shelby said quickly before shaking her head, "no, I erm, I appreciate the offer but it's something I want to do alone."
"Okay" Hiram didn't push her, "why don't you try to do something to distract yourself then? Reading or maybe some yoga?"
Shelby shook her head again, "I, I don't think I'd be able to focus on anything" she said honestly.
"What if I read to you?" Hiram offered.
"You, you'd do that?"
"Yeah, if you wanted me to. We can get comfortable somewhere, I'm sure you've got a book on the go, then if you want to nap, or if you fall asleep then that's okay, but otherwise we can just relax for a while."
"I don't know if I could settle, I feel like I want to pace but at the same time I don't have any energy" she sighed, "I hate this" she whispered, "I hate feeling like I don't know what to do with myself. I just want to switch my brain off until it stops buzzing."
"Do you think an extra session with your therapist would help? I'm sure if I called her she'd fit you in as an emergency."
Shelby shrugged, "I don't..." she sighed, letting her head rest on the table, "I don't know if I want to talk about it. Not yet. I can't… I don't even know what really happened last night. I remember deciding to go home, starting to pack and then I was waking up this morning feeling like there was an elephant sat on my chest."
"Can I ask you something?" Hiram asked, "and will you answer honestly?"
"Yeah" Shelby whispered, still bent into a position Hiram was sure couldn't be comfortable.
Hiram thought about his words for a minute before speaking again, "if you had gone home last night, do you think… Would you have hurt yourself or, or tried to take your life?"
Shelby was silent as she thought about her answer, "I don't know" she said truthfully, "I hadn't really thought further than getting out of here, I'd probably have ended up with a bottle of cheap vodka and…" she sighed," I think it's quite likely that I'd have done something that, in a better mood, I'd regret."
"Thank you for being honest with me" Hiram reached out to gently stroke Shelby's back, frowning at how tense her muscles were, as he noticed the almost frantic tapping of her foot against the concrete and how her breath hitched in her chest. "What time is you appointment tomorrow and how long will it take you to get there?" he asked.
Shelby closed her eyes, willing her body to relax, wishing she could shed the tightness in her chest that made every breath a struggle, "three thirty, she finally managed to answer Hiram's questions, "and maybe half an hour or so."
"Okay" he thought for a moment, "has the therapist ever asked you to rate your anxiety from one to ten?" Shelby nodded, "where are you now?"
Shelby was silent for a while before choking out, "seven, maybe eight."
"I think maybe we should go inside and you should take one of those pills Shelby, see if it brings your anxiety down to a more bearable level. I know you're worried about driving tomorrow but you've got over 24 hours before you need to do that. And if you don't feel capable of driving then Leroy or I can take you close by where your appointment is, you can tell us to leave you a few blocks from where you need to be, or we'll get you a cab Shelby. We can worry about tomorrow tomorrow, but today I think we need to get your anxiety under control."
Shelby nodded, "can I go back to bed?"
Hiram's heart broke as he heard the tears in Shelby's voice, "of course you can Shel."
"Will, will you sit with me?" Shelby finally lifted her head to look at Hiram.
He wiped at her tears with his thumb, "of course" he promised, "always." He reached for Shelby's cigarettes and held them out towards her, "do you want another one before we go in?" Shelby shook her head, not voicing the fact that she felt like her hands were shaking too much to smoke, "okay then, just let me put this in the kitchen" he gestured to the tray and then I'll come back and help you upstairs okay?"
"Okay" Shelby nodded, grateful that Hiram had realised she'd need help just walking back into the house without her having to ask him.
Hiram didn't bother to put anything away, just dumped the tray on the worktop and walked back out into the garden, helping Shelby to her feet and keeping his arm around her as he helped her upstairs and into her bedroom. He'd seen the meds as he'd picked up her toiletries that morning, so, once he'd tucked Shelby into bed he got both the pills and a glass of water, keeping his hand around Shelby's to steady it as she raised the glass to her lips to swallow her pill. "Do you want to watch something?" Hiram gestured to the TV as he put the glass down and joined Shelby in the bed.
"I, I don't think I could concentrate on anything" Shelby said as she fiddled with the edge of the comforter, "but you can put something on if you want."
"Okay, well why don't you get comfortable" Hiram suggested, "see if you can sleep for a while once that starts to work.
"Yeah, okay" Shelby nodded as Hiram flicked on the TV and put on another guided meditation video, knowing that Shelby probably wouldn't be able to focus on the instructions but hoping it would provide some calming background noise to help relax her.
"I know you're feeling tense" Hiram said softly as he began running his fingers through Shelby's hair, putting a cushion in his lap and lifting her head to lay on it, wanting to reassure her that he wasn't leaving, "but try and slow your breaths Shelby, you sound like you're starting to hyperventilate" he told her, keeping his own breaths steady as he heard Shelby try and mimic him. "That's good" he reassured her as he continued to play with her hair, "you're doing really well."
As Shelby focused on her breathing, she began to feel the effects of the drug she'd taken, a fuzzy haze filling her brain as she felt her eyelids beginning to droop and her body and mind both begin to relax. "I feel like I'm melting" she mumbled quietly.
Hiram chuckled, "that'll be the valium. Do you feel like you're relaxing though?"
"Yeah" Shelby nodded against the pillow, "I feel… have you ever smoked dope?"
"Once or twice, many moons ago, when I was in college" he admitted.
"Yeah" Shelby yawned, "me too, and now, now I feel like I've just smoked a really good joint."
"That seems like a good thing in this situation" Hiram just got a hum in response and pulled the duvet up around Shelby's shoulders, "try and get some sleep Shelby" he said softly, "I'll still be here when you wake up, I'm not going anywhere."