Back To You

by leigh.deeA

A day before her competition, Kahoko confesses her feelings to Len. He feels the same but believes he can't pursue their relationship. Nine years later, Kaho is working in Korea as a struggling composer, violinist, and assistant to a famous actress. When her boss, Yunoki Miyabi, decides to take on a new movie, she is reunited with her former classmates from Seisou, including Len.

16. Chapter 15

Here they are, the final five chapters. As per usual, thank you for reading. I apologize for any errors (or any writing related mishaps, really) and I truly hope you enjoy the conclusion of this story. :)

\\\

"What are you doing here by yourself?" Tsuchiura asked. "Doesn't Tsukimori know the basics of being in a relationship? He should have grabbed this opportunity to get some alone time with you."

It had only been a few minutes since Kaho had left Kaji and Len to their conversation. Tsuchiura had found her sitting on a bench near a fountain. "This place is pretty amazing, isn't it?" Kaho said offhandedly.

Tsuchiura took the spot next to her. "You didn't contradict me."

She smiled at that. "I imagine Len would have already told you..."

"It's not as if I needed to ask, Hino," Tsuchiura said. "I've got eyes, haven't I?" He stretched his arms sideways and gave Kaho a concerned look. "Why the worried face?"

"Kaji wanted to talk to Len alone," Kaho replied. "Should I be worried? Maybe I should've hidden in a bush somewhere and –"

Tsuchiura's loud laugh cut her off. He looked at her with an amused expression and said, "Len's gotten better at handling confrontations. I wouldn't worry so much if I were you."

"But Tsuchiura..."

Tsuchiura shook his head, "Then again, if I'd been there with you, I would have probably guided you to a better hiding place...Len does say the most incredible things sometimes."

"That's why I'm worried," Kaho said. "He might be adding fuel to the fire, and..Hey!"

She hit Tsuchiura on the arm. "I wouldn't be so obvious that they'd know I was still there, Tsuchiura."

"You shouldn't be worried," Tsuchiura said firmly. He appeared more serious than he was moments ago.

Kaho swallowed her uncertainty. "Has he...has he gotten a lot of practice?" she asked. She elaborated after Tsuchiura raised an eyebrow: "With confrontation, I mean?"

"To an extent," Tsuchiura said after a sigh. "Nowadays, he rarely gets the type of comments that irritate him. When we were still studying in Vienna, I once overheard someone say to his face how different he is from his mother. He is kinda touchy about that –he hates it when people compare him to her, and he hates being judged based on his "music genes". I'd asked once if he was hurt by the comparison," Tsuchiura paused, "do you want to know what he said?"

Kaho didn't need to encourage him, Tsuchiura repeated Len's words without delay: "'When I forget it, it won't matter.'"

"He's probably more sensitive than he lets on," Tsuchiura added.

"But he's always known how to ignore what shouldn't matter," Kaho said.

"I guess that is one of Len's many talents," Tsuchiura said. He smirked at Kaho and said, "Which makes me curious...Confessing isn't his strong suit. He's never liked anyone other than you – so I'm kind of interested in how he managed to tell you about his feelings..."

Kaho blushed. Tsuchiura seemed to think Len had said I love you/Aishiteru/Saranghe out of the blue. But she was happy to hear Len that had never looked at another girl.

"I told him he should just be direct," Tsuchiura shared. "And to try not to confuse you. Except, now that I think about it, I can easily imagine how confused you would have been."

Wait...what?

"I wasn't confused," Kaho denied. "I..."

Tsuchiura started to laugh. "Yeah, I bet you weren't."

Kaho's brows drew together. "No, I wasn't."

Tsuchiura still didn't believe her. "Ok, sure. Maybe not as your current self. But if he had said something years ago, this is what you would have said:"

Len: I like you.

Kaho: I don't understand...

Len: Do you have to?

"That's not as funny as you think, Tsuchiura."

"It isn't?" Tsuchiura didn't mind Kaho's glare. "You have to admit, it does sound like you two. You would have been perplexed by the attention, and Len would probably just go on thinking that was Ok. I don't think he'd have minded if you didn't reciprocate."

"Wha...what makes you think that?"

Kaho's brows drew together. If Len had realized his feelings for her before she had done –he would have shocked her if he'd decided to confess. Yes, she realized, he would have rendered her speechless. Tsuchiura was probably trying to read her mind, but she wasn't going to give anything away; he didn't need to hear her admit he was right.

"What makes me think that," Tsuchiura repeated, drumming his fingers on the bench. "Well, first of all, he was a teenager leaving for Vienna. Len at sixteen wasn't the type who could wrap his head around a long-distance relationship. Second of all, the present Len, like the old one, despite being a good catch – yes, I'm secure enough to mention this and compliment him– wouldn't think your affection his due. If we start with the assumption that he believes what other people think of him isn't his problem, then your reciprocating wouldn't be something he'd have stressed over. His feelings are his problems. Even if you didn't feel the same, he'd still like you, despite what you may or may not think of him."

Tsuchiura peered into Kaho's face. "Do you get it?"

"You really are his best friend."

It wasn't the first time she'd said that to him.

"I can tell you what he would have stressed about." Tsuchiura offered, smirking. "Everyone has stresses now and then..."

To Kaho, it seemed like a secret smile. He smiled again, but a little wistfully this time, "He'd stress over distracting you from your goals."

Oh. Yes, that.

It's fair, I think.

I'm sure he feels my dreams are just as important as his are for him.

"He...he isn't secondary to them," Kaho said, looking away and reliving her own memories. He just –he didn't know that I wanted him, too.

She remembered what she was like at sixteen. Energetic, passionate, but still a bit insecure. She wanted it all and wasn't sure she'd ever come close. "I...I wanted him to try harder," she admitted. "I just wanted him to give me his best –like he does everything."

"He probably wasn't ready then," Tsuchiura said. "Though I'm sure he hasn't defended himself for hurting you. Recently, he's promised to do just that."

"What? He promised you that?"

Tsuchiura chuckled. "He kept saying he should show you how he feels, and I kept trying to convince him that a bit of verbal explanation was necessary. Neither the words nor the actions are the footnotes in a relationship."

"He has tried," Kaho said. She suspected that Tsuchiura was getting a bit of his wisdom from Mori's research; she knew Manami was googling relationship advice for the upcoming nuptials.

"And?" Tsuchiura said expectantly. "What do you think?"

"I'm pretty sure I'll follow him anywhere..."

"So now you understand what chasing after him means."

Kaho hid her face between her hands. "Was I really that dense?"

Tsuchiura grinned. "You were loved for it. And Len was just as dense, anyway."

Kaho smiled back. It was Tsuchiura's way of saying she and Len were perfect for each other.

"Thanks, Tsuchiura."

"No problem, Hino."

.

A few days later...

They were riding on the elevator when Miyabi first asked for verbal confirmation of a different nature: "So...you and Tsuki, huh?" Miyabi said.

Her tone made Kaho wary. Wasn't it only days ago when Miyabi had said she'd help with Len?

After the debacle with Yul, Miyabi had placed Len in the same boat as her ex. "He's difficult to read," Miyabi said to Kaho. "Are you sure you love him or just the idea of him?"

Kaho wondered if that had been a question Miyabi had asked herself about Yul.

"I want him. I can't be around him and not love him," Kaho replied, borrowing Len's words.

"Are you sure, Kaho?" Miyabi asked with her brows raised. "Are you sure you want a guessing game for a relationship? Do you want to ask yourself what he's thinking or feeling all the time?" she said, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "One day he's going to surprise you with some weird –"

"It's not fair for you to judge him," Kaho said, keeping her voice at a reasonable pitch. "I don't have to guess what he's thinking, Miya. If I want to know what he feels, I can just ask him." Kaho's fingernails dug into her palms. She fought hard not to reveal what she knew about Yul.

Miyabi was still skeptical. She raised an elegant eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yes," Kaho said, her faith in Len unshakable. "He'll tell me the truth."

If Miyabi had been holding a fan, she'd have opened it in a single fluid movement and fanned herself energetically. Instead, she marched out of the elevator.

"If he does tell you the truth, it'll come out like darts, "Miyabi said, making a dart-like motion with her arm.

Truth hurts sometimes, Kaho thought. "I don't think his intention will be to hurt me."

"He might not be able to help it. Besides, your Tsuki might not know how to phrase it so it won't sting so much."

Kaho took a fortifying breath. Were they talking about Len? "Miyabi, this isn't fair to Len or to me." They were still standing in the hallway. Kaho outstripped Miyabi and stood in front of the door of their apartment.

"I overheard you," Kaho admitted. "When the orchestra did their version of Shimizu's piece. I was there when you argued with Yul."

Miyabi's face flitted between surprise and embarrassment. With knitted brows, she asked, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm sorry, Miyabi," Kaho replied, approaching her. "I didn't mean to hear any of it."

She wouldn't mention Len; it'd hurt Miyabi even more if she found out more than one person had witnessed her break-up with Yul.

Miyabi must have seen the truth on Kaho's face; she lifted her hands in surrender. "It's not like you can unhear it," she said, resigned. Kaho waited patiently for her to say more, to open up.

Slow seconds passed before Miyabi finally spoke. "I'm sorry I compared them," Miyabi said, leaning heavily against the door to their apartment. "Albeit indirectly."

Kaho suggested they talk inside; she reached for the doorknob, but Miyabi shook her head.

"I didn't know what else to say to him, Kaho," Miyabi confessed, not budging. "Ha Seul's his sister. She's his only family. If I were as crazy, I know Azuma would do his best to protect me, too. Breaking up with Yul–that was the best choice."

"What would you do, Kaho?" Miyabi asked, sliding down to the floor.

Kaho lowered to the ground and sat next to Miyabi. When she and Len had talked about it, Kaho said they had to get to the root of the problem: They had to speak to Ha Seul. However, if Miyabi attempted to do that alone, Miyabi would probably end up regretting it. She thought that Yul should be there to support her. Except, Yul had already kept the problem to himself – he'd wanted to protect his sister and ended up losing his girlfriend.

"I don't think it should be a choice between you or her," Kaho told Miyabi. She looked up at the ceiling and watched a flickering fluorescent light. "I wish we could meet his sister."

Miyabi straightened. "You want to meet his sister? You want to confront her?"

"I don't want to corner her or tell her all the things she's done wrong," Kaho said. It was clear Miyabi thought she was out of her mind. "I think we can still appeal to her, make her realize how she's hurt her brother...and you."

"She's still going to think we're ganging up on her and accusing her."

Kaho shrugged. "We don't know that for sure. We don't know what she's feeling, and we can't know if she's in a condition to feel any remorse. But I still think it's important to keep reaching out. There's a chance that all of this isn't just her – this could be the result of other people's influence on her. She might need rescuing."

"Ah, Kaho," Miyabi said, hugging her friend. "You're so generous. I'm completely and utterly amazed."

Kaho was about to dismiss the praise as a joke, but Miyabi spoke first: "No, seriously, I am."

"Will you be talking to Yul?"

"Will I tell him that it hurts me to see him like that...worrying over his deranged sister – maybe not." Miyabi gave Kaho a tired look. "Sorry I wasn't fair to you," she said, looking remorseful. Kaho squeezed Miyabi's hand, silently communicating that she had already forgiven her friend.

"Yul said he wanted to talk to me tonight," Miyabi said. "I don't think I'm in the mood for chit chat, but...I feel like I should give him a chance. I don't want to go into the apartment just yet...If I do, I might just lounge around and keep him waiting. Waiting for nothing. But if I stay out here in this dress," she said, gesturing to her smart black knee-length dress and green coat, "I might still meet him."

Kaho adjusted Miyabi's beret. "Go," she encouraged.

"Does talking really resolve all the issues?" Miyabi asked.

"Communication does," Kaho answered. "I think you'll have to be honest about your expectations. He can't always be mysterious, and you can't always be guessing. He can't keep thinking you'll go with whatever he does." She shrugged. "He's not the only person in the relationship."

Miyabi smiled at this, "I'll be sure to inform him that he isn't always right."

"Or," Kaho advised soberly, "instead of telling him what he did wrong or what he should have done or said, explain how he made you feel when he made his decisions without consulting you. Try not to make him feel cornered."

Miyabi leaned forward and pinched Kaho on the cheek. "How are you so wise all of a sudden?"

Eh?

Miyabi gave hera pat on the back. "It's great hearing you sound so grown up. I guess I was wrong about your first relationship, huh?"

Kaho narrowed her eyes. "Please explain..."

"You know, about Tsukimori not being the right person to play your first boyfriend," Miyabi said.

"I didn't cast Len as my boyfriend,"Kaho said. It wasn't as if she'd picked him because he'd been 'vying for the role' or because he had the 'best credentials'. They'd chosen each other, their relationship was something they both wanted.

"Seriously, though," Miyabi said, "if you make each other happy and can uh, communicate that you are 'blissfully happy'! So 'blissfully happy!', then any outside forces don't stand a chance, do they?"

Gahhh. Kaho wanted to disappear thru the door. "You heard me?!"

Miyabi lifted her brows and smirked. Kaho had been squealing in her room every night; she'd said things like: 'Gah! I can't believe this is happening!' or 'I'm so so so happy...'.

She didn't think her happiness was loud enough to have gone through the walls.

"I should go then," Miyabi said, getting up and entering the elevator. "I'll be a bit late so you can squeal and shout in complete privacy." She grinned at a blushing Kaho and threw fingerhearts before closing the elevator doors.

I can't believe it. "Was I really that loud?"

.

.

.

A few minutes after entering their apartment, Kaho heard a knock. Thinking Miyabi had forgotten her keys, she opened the door. She was greeted by a stranger wearing a yellow crop top and jumper. This person, who was probably new to the building, was holding Cho in her arms. It surprised Kaho that the usually prickly Cho allowed the girl to carry her. Even Miyabi complained that her cat was unfriendly.

"Hi! I'm err...apartment sitting for your neighbor downstairs," said the girl. "Apparently, this is your cat."

Kaho took Cho in her arms and asked, "Who are you house-sitting for? And how did you end up with my cat?"

The girl, who looked to be about twenty, said she was Bok Nam's friend and that the errant Bok Nam was away on a dance competition. "He's supposed to be watching the apartment while his parents are on a trip to Daejeon, but this Hip Hop dance competition came up, and he wanted to join, kinda fatten his resume, so it's more attractive once he auditions for XM..." she said, jabbering away while making expressive hand movements. "So, I've been here for a few days, watching his place."

She smiled at Kaho and continued her story. "I told Bok Nam I was feeding his cats, plural, but apparently this one isn't his..." she said, petting Cho. "So fluffy you are!" she said, smiling at Cho and then at Kaho. "I found out about Cho when I called him after I got locked out of the apartment. He did say that he liked feeding her when she visits his cats. She's been with me for a few hours now so...I thought I'd drop her off."

Kaho didn't know Bok Nam had cats or that Cho had been a regular at his apartment.

The girl booped Cho on the nose. "Also, before I found out that she wasn't his cat... I did mention that I got locked out of the apartment, right? It was my fault because I chased after her." She looked at Kaho with a doe-like expression. "Is it ok if I stay here with you until Bok Nam returns? I did tell you that I called him, right? He's actually on his way home. My stuff is in the apartment, so I have to wait for him. And he did say he was going to grab some essentials before heading off to another contest so..." She looked at Kaho expectantly while holding up a plastic bag. "I have icecream! I was supposed to give it to Bok Nam as a tentative sorry because I thought I'd lost his cat...but...well, here we are."

"The ice cream's melting," the voluble girl added with an ingratiating smile. The girl fished for the phone in her pocket. She showed the screen to Kaho. "Here, these are the messages I sent to Boknam and his replies. I swear I really am house sitting."

Umm...Kaho looked behind her shoulder then at Cho. The apartment was neat, and Miyabi was out. She had planned on calling Len but...

"Yeah, sure," Kaho agreed. "Come right in."

"Thanks!" crop-top girl said. Cho jumped from Kaho's arms and ambled her way to the kitchen. The girls followed the cat and seated themselves on the stools in front of the island.

"Your apartment looks way different from Bok Nam's" the girl said. She got up from her seat, took Cho in her arms, and walked to the window to admire the view. "I love looking at the city lights."

Kaho started scooping up pistachio ice cream into glass bowls. One for her and one for...

Hmm, what was her name? Kaho thought, swallowing a spoonful of ice cream.

"Have I met you before?" Kaho asked. Bok Nam had random friends visiting the apartment downstairs, but she couldn't remember their faces.

The girl turned and shook her head. "No, Bok Nam and I met only recently. About a few weeks ago. We're aspiring trainees," she explained. "XM is the dream, you know."

"Oh, I see," Kaho replied. "You don't want any ice cream? Uhhh..." Kaho said, drawing a blank. "Sorry, ah–what should I call you? I didn't catch your name..."

"The view of this building is awesome. I wish I lived here," she said. "Is it hard working for a movie star?"

Bok Nam must have mentioned Miyabi. "Miyabi's nice. She's not really a handful." The girl gave her a disbelieving look. Kaho added: "It's not that bad. I promise."

"Really, she isn't spoiled? Do you warn her against scandals and that kind of stuff?" the girl said, turning her back again. "I heard she's had a lot of short-lived relationships. Does it stress you out? Covering for her?" She hadn't moved from her spot in front of the window.

"Yeah, Miyabi has had a lot of relationships, but she was discreet every time." Hardly anyone had known about her relationship with Yul.

"I saw a picture of her kissing this guy. It was only what, a few days ago? Why would she do that when she already has a boyfriend? I wondered if she thought about him...She's pretty careless, I think."

Kaho put down her spoon and bowl of ice cream. It occurred to her that defending Miyabi would entail giving away some embarrassing details. But first... How did this girl know?

"You know about her boyfriend?" Kaho asked.

"Mmm...I know about her ex if that's what you mean. They've been going out for about a year; they've gone abroad together, stuff like that."

Kaho scoffed. "I guess nothing's private anymore."

The girl shook her head."No, I'm pretty sure I'm one of the select few who are aware. My brother didn't think I knew, but I'm a naturally curious person." She flashed a sly smile. "I heard Ms. Miyabi was a flirt, so I thought I had to do the right thing and check if she was faithful to him. Oh well... Turns out they've already broken up. And thanks to me, too. Who would have known." She turned away from the window and smiled innocently. "Your conversation in the hallway was pretty loud, Kahoko-san."

"You're..." Kaho looked again at the icecream, her eyes went from the tub to the girl carrying her cat.

"What? Are you surprised? You said you wanted to meet me, didn't you?"

"It wasn't Miyabi," Kaho said. It felt necessary that she tell Ha Seul. She had to clear things up. "The person in the photo was me."

Ha Seul seemed to digest this new information. "Ah, you have the same hair..." she said. "You're not lying to me, are you? I already congratulated myself for separating my brother from a cheater who didn't deserve him." She narrowed her eyes at Kaho. "How's your stomach?"

Kaho placed her hand over her midsection. There was no pain. She wasn't vomiting, and she wasn't sweating or palpitating...Will it be a while before I feel pain or dizziness? She steadied herself and sat on the stool behind her. Again she looked at Cho. The girl, Ha Seul, lifted her cat and was making faces at it.

"Don't worry, Kahoko-san, pretty little Cho is safe with me," she said. "It's yourself you should be worried about."

Oh no. "You put something in the ice cream! Like the time with the cockroaches and the cake!"

Ha Seul stared at Kaho, her face unreadable. In an instant, Ha Seul's poker face dissolved as a suppressed giggle escaped her; she started to laugh uncontrollably. She tried to speak but failed after another laugh burst out of her. When she finally was able to collect herself enough to speak, her voice didn't have the vaguely threatening tone she'd adopted minutes ago: "Oh My God! You should have seen your face!" she said, trying not to choke on her laughter. "You...you...really thought I was going to hurt you or poison you! Or..."

"I also thought you were going to harm my cat," Kaho answered, not at all amused.

Ha Seul took a deep breath. When she'd recovered from her the left-over bursts of hilarity, she brought Cho to the sofa and approached Kaho. "I don't hurt animals," she clarified. "Also, the ice cream is safe. I shouldn't have made you think it wasn't...I guess I just wanted to see you squirm a little."

Not since Yunoki had Kaho been subjected to something so devious. Kaho's face was beet red. Acting like you'd poisoned someone wasn't funny. "Why did you do that?"

Ha Seul placed an index finger on her chin. "To punish you in case you lied to me about the photo?Hmm...maybe it's cause Kaji likes you." She sighed and reached for her own bowl of ice cream before sitting next to Kaho. She ate a bit and said, "See, it's not unsafe. I didn't plan to hurt you or anything."

"I didn't lie about the photo," Kaho said in a mixture of annoyance, anger, and anxiety. "That really was me."

"Yeah," Ha Seul said, "I didn't think you were dishonest. That was all me, sorry. I kinda have a mean streak."

"Why are you here?" Kaho demanded. Did this girl just want to torment her?

"Like I said, I got locked out of Bok Nam's apartment," she said, finishing her ice cream. "That part is true, Ms. Hino." She got another scoop of icecream. "I love this flavor. You should continue eating your share," she suggested.

Cho jumped onto the counter and rubbed her head on Kaho's arm. Kaho faced the disloyal feline. "So, this is why you've been gaining weight."

"Don't blame the cat or Bok Nam," Ha Seul said in a casual tone as if the fright she'd given Kaho was some negligible faux pas or a fading dream –some trick that hadn't really happened. "That cat eats everything."

Kaho had thought Cho was a picky eater. What exactly had Bok Nam and Ha Seul fed her cat?

"You overheard my conversation with Miyabi," Kaho said.

"You weren't exactly quiet," Ha Seul said, looking down at the floor. "I didn't appreciate her calling me deranged by the way. But –" she paused and met Kaho's gaze. "I'd like to thank you for trying to look at things in a positive light. Even Yul has a hard time doing that."

After what Kaho had just experienced, it was clear why.

"I'm sorry," Ha Seul said, lifting her face. To another person, she might have looked contrite, but Kaho had sensed something more...Ha Seul looked ...lonely. "I'm sorry I made you nervous. And I'm sorry about the cockroaches."

"You're not going to try something like that again, are you?" Kaho asked.

Ha Seul didn't answer. "Those were hissing cockroaches," she said. "They're clean. Na Ra got them from the pet store where she works. She has a lot of jobs, aside from the one at the cake store, which she wasn't really serious about. If you met her, she's actually scarier than the cockroaches..." Ha Seul shook her head, "I'm sorry, I just made an excuse, right? Sorry for frightening you."

"You don't look as uncomfortable now. Is my apology accepted?" Ha Seul asked. She stood and brought her face close to Kaho's. "I don't scare you anymore, do I? Do you adapt on the run?"

Kaho refused to move. "I'm not scared of you."

Ha Seul drew back. A full minute passed before she spoke again, "I like that song you wrote, by the way." she said.

"What?"

"When you were in that car with that guy," she said. "He's the one in the photo, am I right? Anyway, you said you'd written that song. I was trying to look for it, but I didn't realize it hasn't been released. Your lyrics would sound great in my brother's voice, I think."

Kaho groaned. Ha Seul was also one of the unknown people she had boasted to while she'd been drunk in Len's car. She groaned again. A mental image of what she'd looked like that night passed through her memory.

"I'm sure you get compliments all the time," she said. Then suddenly: "Have you ever been told that what you like is stupid or not worth it? You like Kpop, and you're not even Korean."

"All international fans are judged once in a while," Kaho said.

About that...So far, no one in her immediate sphere had judged her for Kpop. In contrast, when she was still a high schooler in Japan, it had taken a bit of convincing for Kaho's mother to support her taking violin lessons. However, Mrs. Hino had never said playing the violin was stupid. Usually, people encouraged Kaho to keep at it; it was herself she had to remind that what she was doing was worth it and that she had to keep going.

"I like my friends," Ha Seul said, again out of the blue. "They don't look down on me or tell me I'm going to regret Kpop. I like the music, and I want to be a performer, too. My adoptive parents, who I thought were my real parents, think I'm wasting my time. I practice dancing and singing, and I even took English classes so I could be valuable to the group I'm going to be in if we end up touring abroad. My parents don't approve of my becoming a trainee, but, yeah...that's a story for another day," she said, ending with a weak smile. "I know you're about to ask so, the answer is 'no', mom and dad don't know about the 'gifts' my friends and I sent. They don't know anything."

"But Yul does," Kaho reminded her. "He made sure we wouldn't receive the other presents you sent to this apartment."

"I wonder what he did to the cake with the hair in it," Ha Seul said casually. They'd copied the idea from an Ed Sheeran fan. Ha Seul murmured, "The things we sent...they weren't that bad..."

"Sending people cockroaches and other horrors isn't exactly something you can be proud of..."

Cho had gone to sit on Ha Seul's lap. Ha Seul almost smiled. She let Cho lick her fingers. "Have you ever adored someone?" she asked.

"Have I ever...?"

"Adored them. Loved them...even when you knew they would never return your feelings?"

Adoration. That's such a strong word.

After Len had left for Vienna, there had been a part of Kaho that had quietly accepted her "one-sided preference" for him. Another part had been so hurt she'd vowed never to play Ave Maria again. She had, on occasion (when her friends in college talked about him, and she couldn't help but be informed), looked up his performances, but on most days, she'd succeeded in resisting the urge to google Len. She had reminded herself that being in love by herself didn't make sense. Instead of dwelling on and feeding her emotions, she told herself it was pointless to love someone when the other person didn't feel the same.

"I know what it feels like," Kaho said. She knew and could now admit that she had been completely infatuated with Len.

"It isn't fair," Ha Seul said.

"You're right, it isn't. But it shouldn't be something to agonize about," Kaho advised. She had learned this the hard way, and remembering her experiences, she saw an opportunity to get through Ha Seul. It was then that she gathered her courage and gave herself an inner pep-talk. This is probably going to be very unpredictable...but I have to give it a try.

"I know what it feels like, Ha Seul. I know what it's like to have feelings for someone and not have them returned. I –" she hesitated. "When this person and I first met –actually, it wasn't great. Not the kind of fireworks you'd expect..." She chuckled at Haseul's bewildered face. It was a clumsy intro. "I got on his nerves a few times but eventually I –"

Memories lined up in her head: Len crossing his arms over his chest; Len falling asleep on her shoulder; Len playing alone on a dark stage; Len playing Ave Maria...

She closed her eyes. It seemed impossible to see him, hear him, and not feel something...

"Whenever I saw him, I lit up, I was happy. I admired him a lot. Maybe more than anyone who praised him or looked up to him. But, around the same time I became sure of my feelings, I realized he and I weren't in a place where we could reach each other. He was going to leave. Physically, he and I would be apart. Emotionally, it was the same. I had to accept that even if my feelings were strong and sincere, they didn't give me license to be with him." She looked at Ha Seul meaningfully.

"He and I...we both play the violin," Kaho revealed. "My skills were lacking, but he was excellent, and he'd offered to help me. We were still high school kids, so he tutored me after class. I listened to him play, and he would patiently correct my mistakes. He and I started to play duets together..." She sighed and couldn't help but reminisce. "The feelings came unexpectedly; I didn't realize they were building up. I just knew that I wanted to emulate him and learn from him. I wanted to be with him."

In your world...

She remembered being ecstatic when he'd promised to attend one of her performances; she remembered asking him over and over again if he meant it; she remembered the pinky swear. If she'd seen her reflection in the glass behind them that day, she would have realized the hold he had on her. Her heart knew the way to happiness, and like a compass, it had pointed to Len.

"But what I didn't want was to be a burden," she said, swallowing the emotion in her throat.

If she had insisted that her feelings should be rewarded, wouldn't that have been a weight on Len's shoulders, too?

"I had to accept that he didn't belong to me," Kaho said.

That was then...she thought. It was impossible then...She remembered kissing Len on Nami Island and blushed.

Ha Seul chewed on her lower lip. "I know Kaji doesn't belong to me," she said as if to clarify. "I still have sense ok, even if my brother thinks I'm crazy."

To Kaho's surprise, a tear fell down Ha Seul's face. "If he'd just stay the way he is...If he'd stay single, then I wouldn't feel this way. It's stupid, I know. I don't want to be stupid anymore. I don't want to feel ashamed or guilty for liking someone..."

If Kaji were to stay available, did Ha Seul think she'd have a chance?

"When I fell in love, I had to remind myself that my wants aren't justified by the strength of my emotions. I can't control what he feels or thinks or does. If the person I love eventually finds someone he loves and who loves him in return, what he'll do about it will be his choice. I can only control how I respond to whatever I feel."

Ha Seul shook her head. "I don't want to pretend he's mine," she insisted.

Kaho wanted to point out that Ha Seul was contradicting herself. Wasn't she behaving as if Kaji was hers? Wasn't she secretly exerting her wishes on him? She wanted Kaji to act only in ways she approved; she acted as if she could control him. Hadn't she threatened Kaho because she thought Kaji was interested in her?

Ha Seul's mouth quivered. "Is it too much too wish he'd think of my feelings, our feelings, too?"

Our feelings? Did she mean the feelings of his other fans?

Ha Seul spoke defiantly: "I get it now," she said, gulping in air. Tears had started to pool in her eyes. "I'm a burden. It's wrong to like him."

"It's not wrong," Kaho said plainly.

"I wanted someone to understand what I felt."

Despite what had happened earlier, Kaho wanted to help Ha Seul. "I know it's lonely when you think no one understands," Kaho said. "I know you and your friends relate to each other better than anyone, and I can see that's been a real comfort to you. But I think Kaji has tried to understand, too. That's why he's kind to his fans. But if he can't fulfill every expectation –if he doesn't always act the way you want –you'll have to accept it. He's human, not a robot. It's a sad life if he forces himself to follow every demand."

Ha Seul scrubbed her face with the edge of her sleeve. She said she didn't want to make Kaji unhappy.

Kaho wanted Ha Seul to remember that.

"Think of your brother, Ha Seul. He's been trying to protect you."

"I'm sorry."

"About your friends..."

"I'm trying, ok. I don't want them to get into trouble," Ha Seul said, wiping away the last tears.

"If you think you'll have a hard time doing that, you can tell me," Kaho offered. "I want you to know you can give me your trust. If you need anyone to talk to...I'm here for you."

Ha Seul gave her a teary smile. "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind."

.

.

It was as if Kaho was comforting a friend after a painful break-up.

After their fifth bowl of ice cream, Ha Seul asked Kaho, "Why didn't my brother like you instead?"

Eh? "Yul...well..." Kaho dipped her spoon into more pistachio. She didn't like Yul that way either. "To each his own?"

Ha Seul placed her hands on Kaho's shoulders. "I don't think I mind Kaji picking you after all."

Kaho knew she'd just been given a stamp of approval. She laughed awkwardly. "I don't have feelings for him."

"Really? Well...you did say to each his own." Ha Seul returned her attention to her Pistachio icecream. "So," she said, tipping her head to the side, "is it the guy in the photo? Is he the one you like?"

"Yes," Kaho answered.

"And he likes you too?"

"Very very much," she said with a grin.

"I'm glad," Ha Seul said, smiling. "I'm really happy for you."

.

.

.

The next day...

"I think his fans do have some power over him," Len said to Kaho over lunch.

"You do?" Kaho asked. She added two plates of Kim Bap and two small bowls of Kimchee on the coffee table and squatted beside Len on the shaggy white rug of the living room.

"His popularity is a gift they gave him," he said. "Those girls expect Kaji to show his gratitude by thinking of their wants before his own."

"He can't stay single forever..."

'Do you want to help with that?', Len's eyes seemed to say.

"He wanted to be in a relationship with you," Len reminded her."However, the outcome of his effort to win you didn't depend on him. Deep down, he may have known that he didn't have a chance. It's the same with his fans. As much as they would like to have him to themselves, most of them realize that the choice isn't theirs to make, even if their wants and preferences can influence his career decisions."

They were going to go off-topic, but Kaho couldn't let that comment about Kaji "not having a chance" slide. She asked Len if he'd been really confident he'd win her.

"Not really, I only said that because I thought it was likely that you would hold back, and he would be discouraged. I wanted him to back down, and I wanted to believe you didn't like him. I tried not to lose hope." His golden eyes focused on hers, "Would you have gone out with him so he wouldn't stay single forever?"

Kaho laughed. "Are you asking me if I would have given Kaji a chance, eventually?"

"I guess I am."

"If I thought you didn't have feelings for me..." She began, watching him for a reaction. If she'd had no hope of being with Len, she doubted she would test the waters with anyone. She would probably wait to meet another person who could make her feel the way he did.

He waited for her reply. "And?" he said, prodding her.

"Even if I wasn't sure about the way you felt, I was –well...did you know Miyabi kept telling me to try and go out with him?"

"She did?"

"Yeah, but I told her I didn't want to be flattered into a relationship."

"I was right," he said, "you didn't like his style."

Tsk. Tsk. She reached out to brush the bangs away from his eyes. "Would you say you have a style, Tsukimori-kun?" She hadn't called him Len, maybe because she wanted to tease him a little.

Without breaking eye contact, he took her hand and kissed her fingers. The soft kisses turned her insides to mush. Yes, maybe he didn't have a style – just instinct. He looked at her as if he was deliberating something significant.

"To be honest," Len started to confess, "I'm not sure what you liked. I wasn't sure what worked. I wondered at one point if you questioned everything I said or did."

Did this mean he lacked confidence when it came to her? She had a lot of faith in him. Tsuchiura had said she could trust Len's actions. And she had. Because of those actions, she had believed they were at the brink of well...this –she had anticipated being with him even if she'd kept reminding herself to watch her tempo. But even when the anticipation had been bubbling up inside her, she had to ask over and over again if he was sure. Did he really mean what he'd said? Did he really want her? Would he really stay with her?

"I overthink sometimes," she said. "When you first told me about your feelings, I thought I'd died." Oh, Crap. Why did I just say that?

"I mean," she said, "I thought I'd die because I was so excited, I felt like I was going to combust. You have no idea, Len, how happy you made me just by telling me how you feel." she said. "Except I...I couldn't respond that first time when we were in the concert hall and before that when you told me you didn't regret kissing me that first time...well...I didn't know what to do with myself. And when we were on Nami Island, I was almost glad you swooped in and kissed me."

"Almost?"

"I was nervous. I wanted...well, more," she admitted. "I didn't know how to begin. I just wanted you."

She had told herself she'd be happy with anything he was willing to give: his time, his music, his kisses, his smiles. She groaned inwardly. No, actually, she'd be happy with everything. And nothing but.

"If there's something you want, will you tell me?" he asked.

Really?

She had done a lot of asking in Seisou – when she remembered high school, it made her want to confirm if she had been a nuisance. Kaho returned his question instead of answering it: "Is there anything you'd like me to do, Len?"

She was earnest. He'd done a lot for her with or without her asking, and she wanted to know if there was something he wanted from her specifically. "Is there anything you want?"

"Other than you, yourself?"

Was he teasing? "Really, there's nothing you want?"

"You," he answered. She flicked her eyes to his lips. She couldn't just fall into him, right? But...

Areumdaun. He was beautiful to her.

She wanted him to kiss her. Now. Please, now. But it seemed Len hadn't picked up on Kaho's mood. It was his turn to be reassured, so he said, "If I'm being honest, I wondered why you chose me. I hope you won't get tired of this – of us."

"You really thought I would get tired of you?" she asked. He obviously had no idea what she was thinking. Should she tilt her head this way or that ...what did a girl have to do to be kissed. Oh, wait, Kaho...ask. You could as–

"I hurt you before," he said. "If you'd tried to avoid me, I would have accepted it."

She had, at first, tried to avoid him, but she hadn't wanted to snub him, and it had been hard to not see or talk to him. She didn't want to believe he would have given up on her.

"You would?"

"Yes," he said, taking her hands in his. "I would have accepted any coldness from you as a consequence of what had happened between us years ago, but I don't think I would have let myself sit on the sidelines. I still would have tried to win you over." His fingers trailed the side of her face. "Thank you for forgiving me."

"It was nine years ago, Len," she said, leaning into his hand as he cupped her cheek. Water under the bridge.

"Len, will you kiss me?" she asked. He said he loved her in words and actions – but she could use with a little action after the surfeit of words.

"Will you kiss me now, like you mean it?" she asked again. He had to kiss her now, before they touched their food.

He smiled and brushed his lips over hers, "I always mean it."

.

.

.

Len loved kissing Kaho. He liked looking into her eyes and tasting her lips before his tongue played with hers. Sometimes they smiled between kisses. He was thankful for those short pauses; he knew the smiles meant they were both happy to be together.

"On second thought," Kaho said after a lovely round of kissing, "I do have a request."

She stood, ran to her room, and fetched her laptop. "Here," she said, scooting close to Len as she played a video. "This is Shimizu's project for his neighborhood. Remember that practice hall we went to? He wants to raise money to renovate the place."

"How does he plan to do that?"

"See," she said, pointing at the screen, "this is the advertisement. We'll be performing in a concert to collect funds."

Len nodded. Kaho rested her head on his shoulder, "Will you come and play a duet with me? And maybe perform a solo too?" she asked.

"Of course," he said. He would go because she had asked. If something was important to Kaho, he'd make sure he wouldn't miss it. He told her they should invite Tsuchiura and Mori. They would enjoy helping Shimizu.

"Yes, definitely!"

"When is the concert?" he asked.

"Next week, Tuesday. Is it ok? Will you be free?"

"I'll make time," he said. "What do you want us to play?"

Her eyes lit up in a way that made him want to kiss her again. She opened a new folder and played another video. It was a live performance of a Kpop song. One from Kaji's group. Len stared incredulously at her.

"We can do a violin cover of this song!" Kaho said, starry-eyed.

"I can't say I've had experience with that," Len answered. He didn't know how else to react. He swallowed, remembering that he'd promised himself he'd give Kpop a chance since it was Kaho's genre.

He played the video again. "I like the intro. It's promising."

She squealed and hugged him. "You're the most amazing boyfriend."

"Am I?" he said, holding her by the waist. "I think you made that happen."

She looked at him curiously. "I'm my best self when I'm with you," he said, kissing her on the cheek. "I'd like to invite you to something as well."

She smiled expectantly and squeezed his hands.

"My mother's concert is in a few days."

Excitement lit up her eyes once more. "Will you be playing a duet?"

"Yes," he answered.

She kissed him again. "Of course I'm going, I wouldn't miss it for the world."