Chapter Sixteen
Steve looked over at a sleeping Amber that was sitting next to him on the Alaskan flight from Portland to Honolulu.
She was in the window seat with her head resting on one of her waded up sweatshirts against the wall.
To his pleasure the seat on the other side of him was vacant so he was able to stretch out as much as the small confined area allowed.
The flight was five and half hours long and they'd been in the air for over four.
She'd been asleep the last hour and a half and he'd spent his time watching a movie, but now it was over and he was left with his thoughts of the pending reunion with Danny.
He glanced at his watch seeing the time that was ticking down, wishing now he had come clean with both Danny and Amber. He'd put himself in a bad position, but he still didn't know how to tell Danny about the pregnancy. It was like he had this terrible, dreaded secret and it was all about to blow up in his face.
The plane hit an air pocket and Amber lifted her head off the sweatshirt.
"What was that?" she said with sleepy eyes.
Steve smiled, knowing she was a little nervous about flying over the ocean. He put a hand on her knee, calming her. "Nothing, just a little turbulence."
She laid her head back down. "Ok. I'd ask if we were almost there, but I know how you feel about that," she grinned.
"Very funny," he chuckled. "We have a little more than an hour, so go back to sleep."
"Hmmm, ok," she sighed, resting her head against the wall again and closing her eyes. "Wake me up once we can see land. I want to see it."
"Ok," he agreed, watching her as she drifted off.
A surreal feeling overcame him, not the first since this ordeal had begun. It had only been three days since they'd been sitting in that doctor's office in Ashland and with one swift move of his own hand, blocking her from getting up, his life had dramatically changed once again.
Everything had happened so fast. He'd barely had time to digest the baby and the next thing he knew he was inviting Amber home and now he was sitting on a plane going five hundred miles an hour in that direction without a clue as to how he was going to pull this off.
'One day a time,' he thought, but that motto wasn't cutting it for him as much as it had on the trail.
He glanced over at Amber again, feeling that sense of security that she had given him on the trail. He'd come to rely on her more than he ever thought he would. She was a stability that gave him purpose and made him feel whole again, the very thing he'd been searching for when he left Hawaii close to six months before.
He thought of that night in the hotel that they had spent together. He didn't know it until later, but he'd been at his lowest points since Catherine's death.
Only realizing that now because ever since that night he'd been slowly recognizing himself again. His life had been one long pain staking day after day of survival, up until that night.
They'd needed each other in the worse way. He wasn't surprised now in the way it had come about. Maybe it wasn't as spontaneous as he had always thought. Maybe it was meant to be. The next morning he was ashamed and guilt ridden, but if he really felt that way, he thought, then why did he go back for the dress? Why did he feel so strongly that he needed something physical from that night to hold on to?
He felt the hair on his arms rise as he stared at Amber, wondering now if he took the dress because it would take the place of not having her as that physical thing to touch. Did he feel more for her than he thought he did? It was confusing. He didn't want to force it, feeling that romantic love for a woman was something you either felt or you didn't. It didn't have to be coaxed.
Amber was his friend, he cared about her as much as he did any other person in his life, maybe even as much as Danny.
But did he love her in the way that he did Catherine at one time?
'No,' he thought, almost saddened by it. But at the same time the thought of being separated from her scared him to death. The hike was over but he still needed her. Confused as ever over those feelings. He'd never needed anyone in his life, not even Catherine for the first seven years of their relationship. Yet this woman that was sitting next to him, whom he'd only known a fraction of what he'd known Catherine was someone he needed. If it wasn't for the baby, he was almost sure they would have parted ways, which sent another chill down his spine, not liking that feeing at all.
For the first time since hearing of the news that sent him in a tailspin, he wasn't so anxious about this baby. As difficult as it will be, it will also keep Amber in his life, forever. That was comforting.
….
Amber walked beside him as they made their way to the baggage pick up. She glanced over the side of the walkway to the Japanese garden below that smelled of fresh flowers, even amongst the jet fuel from the planes that were everywhere the fragrance of the island overpowered it.
"It smells so fresh and clean here," she said. "And the air is so moist but not hot."
Steve chuckled over that, "Just wait. It can get pretty warm and humid here."
"Then you just go in the water and cool off," she suggested knowingly as she caught up with him again.
"That's one way of handling it."
"Is Danny picking us up," she asked, "or are we taking a cab or something else to your house?"
He felt a quick jab to his gut over that, deciding he'd better tell her something. "Um, Danny is, but Amber, about that," he said as he gently took her arm. They stopped in the middle of the busy corridor as people from their flight and others continued on, anxious to get their luggage and begin their vacation in paradise.
She looked at him as he shifted his weight and nervously ran his hand down his beard, not making eye contact with her. It was obvious he had something uncomfortable to say to her. She waited, becoming a little uneasy as well over it when it suddenly dawned on her what it more than likely was about.
"He doesn't know about the baby, does he?" she blurted out, her eyes focused on his that finally met hers.
"He doesn't know you're coming either," he replied quietly.
The look on her face changed from shock to disappointment in a matter of seconds. She looked as if she might cry right there, in turn making him feel worse than he already did.
"Amber, it's not that I didn't want to tell him…"
"Yes it was, otherwise you would have." She turned away from him and walked up to a large glass window that looked out on the runway and some green mountains in the distance. The scene was picture worthy but she didn't see it through the tears as she tried desperately to hold back. Was he just going to hide her and the baby forever?
He gave her a few seconds before he came up behind her, hoping that he hadn't actually caused her to cry.
"I'm sorry," he said softly, standing directly behind her. "I'm glad you're here with me, Amber. I really am. But this is still a difficult situation. You have to see that." He decided to just come clean about it all. "When I talked to Danny yesterday, he told me that some baby furniture had been delivered to the house a while back. Catherine had ordered it. I didn't know it. I hadn't told him that she was pregnant until yesterday. The plan of telling him about you and the baby at that moment was…" he paused and sighed, "I just couldn't do it. I was going to, I swear I was Amber. The timing was so bad that the words just wouldn't come out."
She closed her eyes, understanding full well his dilemma, just wishing that she wasn't the recipient or the cause of it.
"I didn't want to blindside you or Danny, but I didn't know how to tell you that I hadn't told him about you. I didn't want to hurt you, but I knew it would."
She wiped away the moisture from her eyes and turned slightly but still not facing him. "I understand," she replied. "You can go and meet him. I'll take a cab to your house."
"What?" he replied, not sure at first what she meant. "No! That's not what I'm saying. I just wanted to tell you now before we got to baggage." He gently took her by the arms when she still wouldn't look at him. "Hey," he said gently, but firm. "I'm glad you're here. I want you here. I made a mistake not telling Danny. Its not because I don't want him to know about you."
"I'm not sure this was the right idea," she whimpered, wondering if she could get a hotel that night and then maybe a flight back to Indiana, cringing over that thought, but she felt like he had left her with no choice.
"Amber," he let go of her arms and took her right hand in both of his, frightened that she might leave, "please look at me," he pleaded.
She finally did and he could see the sadness and now uncertainty that he had put forth by not being honest with her.
"I want you here. When we were on the plane and you were asleep, I started to think about what would have been like if we parted ways. I didn't like it. I know this is going to be hard for both of us, and maybe for people here, but you have to know that I have your back going forward, I promise."
"What if Danny doesn't agree. I know he's like a brother to you, which means he was close to Catherine too. What if he doesn't approve of me, or the baby?"
Steve smiled, squeezing her hand, "That won't happen. The only one he's going to be pissed at is me, for not telling him in the first place. Trust me, in time, he'll be just as much of an ally to you as me."
She smiled over that, feeling a little better about Danny, but she also couldn't help but wonder if this was going to be a pattern for him with other people who had been friends with he and Catherine, not sure exactly what her roll was in his life now that she was here, besides baby incubator.
"Are you good?" he asked, seeing her smile but not getting a verbal response from her. "Am I forgiven for my gross error?"
Amber looked up at him, seeing the man whom she'd trusted over the past four months and had never let her down before. "Of course you are."
He let go of her hand and smiled with a heavy sigh of relief. "I won't let you down again, Amber. I promise," he lied, but not intentionally.
…..
Amber slowed her pace, easing just a step behind Steve as they made their way to the baggage claim area. She wasn't before, but she was now, hesitant on meeting Danny in person for the first time.
Steve scanned the area and they saw each other at the same time, a wide grin showing on both of their faces, happy to see each other after so long.
Danny came towards them with his eyes focused on Steve and his appearance that looked nothing like him.
"Holly crap!" Danny busted up, "you really do look like Grizzly Adams," he laughed. "I barely even recognized you."
They did a quick hug and Danny grabbed his arm and turned him to the side. "Look at all that hair on your head!"
Steve laughed, "I know, I know. I'm in desperate need of a razor and a barber."
"Thank god you agree!" Danny exclaimed, "I was worried you were getting used to that look."
Steve turned to his side not seeing Amber. He turned around, spotting her standing a few feet back from them. It pained him that she looked so nervous and uncomfortable, knowing it was his fault.
"Hey," he said going to her, reaching out and taking her by the elbow. "What are you doing way over here," he smiled, leading her toward Danny.
"I thought I would just let you ease me in."
"No reason, I told you, I'm glad you're here and I want you to meet everyone." He put a hand on her back as he looked over at Danny whose expression was a little perplexed at first and then turned to shock over recognizing Amber from pictures Steve had sent and the couple of FaceTime calls that had been made.
"Danny." Steve said, "This is Amber. My hiking buddy."
His expression showed his utter surprise over the introduction, as he looked from Steve to Amber.
"Wow," he said, "looking back up at Steve, "you didn't tell me Amber was coming," he smiled cunningly at him, assuming they were more than just friends for him to bring her home with him, wondering too if this was the reason they had cut the hike short. It didn't matter, he was happy that she was there because it was obvious Steve was. He went over to her with a wide grin. "Amber," he said happily, "great to meet you in person." He stuck his hand out.
Amber instantly felt a liking to him, taking his hand. "Its nice to meet you too, Danny. I've heard so many nice things about you."
"Ha," Danny laughed, looking over at Steve. "Did you pay her to say that?"
"Fifty bucks," Steve joked. "You don't want to know what I really say about you, Danny."
"Couldn't be as bad as the things I say about you," he countered with a wink to Amber.
She smiled over the friendly banter, liking him even more now.
"All I can say, Amber," Danny sighed, "is that you must be the most patient person in the world to hike with this guy for the past four months. You have my undying respect."
Amber laughed, "Well thank you Danny, it has been a challenge here and there." She smiled up at Steve as he narrowed his eyes, wondering where she was going with this. "But overall, I have to say it was really the best time I ever had."
He liked that. "It was a good trip."
"So why cut it short?" Danny asked, still perplexed over that.
Steve looked at Amber and could see her face blush as she looked down, knowing this was not the time nor the place by any means to reveal their secret.
"We wanted sand in our toes and no more snow," was all Steve said.
She looked up at him and he winked at her, telling her that was all that would be said about it, for now.
"I can't believe you went in the first place," Danny said, "but it turned out well. I'm glad you're home and that you obviously brought the best part of the trip back with you," he smiled over at Amber.
"Thank you, Danny." She felt at ease once again, putting the earlier incident with Steve behind her.
"Hey, there's our packs," Steve said pointing at the luggage carrousel.
"How far is it to your house from here?" Amber asked as they made their way over to their backpacks.
"About thirty five, forty minutes," Danny answered.
"I'm going to run to the bathroom then really quick," she said with a sheepish grin. "I'll be right back."
Danny waited until she turned the corner to where the restrooms were located before he went up to Steve who was just pulling her backpack off the carrousel and setting it next to his.
"I understand now why you wanted me to bring your truck. So…?" he asked, looking at him for an explanation.
"So, what?"
"What do mean what? Amber's what? You bring her home with you and you act like its nothing. This is something!"
"It's not like that Danny. We're just friends."
"You're just…" he laughed. "You're just friends? Really?"
Steve stood his ground, "Yes."
"Then why is she here and why did you stop the hike?"
Steve glanced over in the direction of the bathrooms, "It's a long story, and not one I want to get into with you right now, ok?" he said firmly.
"Ok, ok, nothings going on, I get it. So…she's staying with you?"
"Yes," Steve replied.
"For how long?"
Steve's expression showed his irritation over the continued questioning, "I don't know, a while maybe."
"And there's nothing going on between you? You're just friends, right?"
Steve didn't reply but just gave him that same annoyed look.
"I bet you missed the hell out of me," Danny said with a teasing grin. "Aren't you glad to be home?"
"Thrilled," he replied, rolling his eyes as he glanced back over in the direction of the bathrooms, seeing Amber walking toward them. " Here she comes. Just let it go for now, Danny."
"All right. I hear ya." He turned around and smiled at Amber. "You all ready to go?"
"Yes," she replied, looking over at Steve, wondering if he had told him while she was in the bathroom.
He saw the question in her eyes and shook his head, letting her know it was still their secret.
She wondered then when he would tell him, nine months from now perhaps?
…..
Steve drove the truck with Amber in the front seat and Danny in the back. The conversation on the ride home consisted mainly of how Steve and Amber had met. He'd allowed Amber to finally divulge the humiliating story of him chasing the kid stark naked.
Danny laughed at one point so hard that he had a hard time catching his breath, snorting a few times as well.
"Oh my god," Danny gasped, wiping his eyes, "that's the funniest story I think I've ever heard. I swear I can picture you running and not even giving it a second thought that you were as naked as a jaybird." He started laughing again just picturing it in his head.
"Yea, yea, laugh it up," Steve chuckled. "I'm just glad you weren't there to witness the live show."
"I would have paid a million dollars to see that."
Steve smiled brightly as he turned the corner toward his house, seeing it in the distance down the long driveway. "Ahhh look at that," he sighed. "I would have paid a million dollars to see that a few times over the past six months."
Amber turned in her seat from talking with Danny and looked out the windshield at the red house they were driving up to, complete with the white picket fence.
"Is that it?" she asked with a hint of excitement in her voice.
"Yep," Steve replied, happy to be home but at the same time he felt a wave of grief overcome him, recalling why he had left in the first place. The smile slowly faded from his face as he pulled up and stopped next to Catherine's blue Corvette.
Danny looked over at him, seeing the change that Amber hadn't.
"Is that your car?" she asked, surprised that he would drive a Corvette.
He shook his head as he and Danny got out. "No, it was Catherine's." He tried to sound matter-of-fact, but his voice couldn't hide the sadness of coming home again without her.
Amber sat in the seat stunned over his reply, but it wasn't the car that had her shaken up as much as it was the first sign of knowing that she would be coming into a home where another woman had been; a woman that he loved very much.
She couldn't bring herself to get out of the truck.
Danny stopped as Steve turned, noticing that Amber wasn't behind them. He looked in the passenger seat and knew by the expression on her face that she was feeling the impact of his response. He had mixed feelings about it; feeling sorry for her because of the awkward situation he was bringing her into, but knowing it couldn't be helped. It was what it was. They were in this together and he had to adjust to her feelings of being in the house where his deceased wife had been and find a way to make her feel comfortable despite that.
He opened up her car door as she looked over at him with tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Steve. This must be very hard for you. I know you want me to feel welcome here, but I also know that having me here is going to be difficult for you, especially with the baby. I think I'm just now coming to terms with the impact of it all."
He was equally stunned now by her revelation. She was worried more about him than she was about herself. He knew that about her from the hike, seeing her generosity in that way several times, never taking advantage of it but appreciating it every time it did happen, including now.
The mention of the baby gave him a revelation of his own. He became very mindful of her feelings as well.
She was pregnant with his child that was true, yet it wasn't that thought that had him most concerned about the pregnancy, it was the emotional strain that she would go through once the baby began to grow and move. He knew without a doubt that she would be reminded of Adam and Ava during this transitional period almost constantly, the same as he will be reminded of Catherine during his transition.
"Amber," he said, reaching in and putting his hand over top of hers, "I'm not going to lie and say that this is easy for me because its not, and it's not easy for you either, nor is it going to get easier for you with the baby and your memory of carrying Adam and Ava. I know you think about them even more now, the same as I do about her even more now that I'm home. But we're in this together and I want you here. I think it's the best place for you." He hadn't been so sure of that until that very second. She needed him, and in a way he needed her too, being alone in the house he feared would take him right back to that dark place he had been before he left for the PCT. She was a good distraction from that, a great one.
She had come to trust him over the past four months and did so now. She was relieved that he understood about the pregnancy without having to try and explain it to him. He was insightful that way, making her mindful once again what a good husband he must have been to his wife.
"Day by day, right?" she said to him with a gentle smile.
He reciprocated her gesture and squeezed her hand, "Day by day."
The sadness that had overcome him earlier was miraculously gone. He felt that same sense of calm that he did the night in the hotel room.
"Come inside, Amber," he said, backing up and guiding her out of the truck, still holding her hand.
She felt a flutter in her heart over the way he was looking at her, reminding her of another time that he had looked at her in the same way.
The fear of going inside was gone.
Danny raised an eyebrow over their conversation, not hearing it, but seeing it.
'Nothings going on between them?' he thought, mocking Steve's story. 'I call bullshit.'
He believed both of them when they said nothing was physically going on between them, their adamant attitude towards it convinced him, but he also wondered why they were in such denial over it because it was plain as day that they had feelings for one another.
He clearly saw that 'something' was going on, obviously more so than either of them did.
"The yard looks great," Steve said to him as he and Amber walked past him toward the front door. "Thanks for keeping an eye on the place."
"Yea, sure thing. You're welcome. Glad I could be of assistance. We're friends and friends do stuff like that for each other."
Steve glanced over his shoulder, looking at him oddly over that last statement. "Yea, I guess so." He opened the front door and came inside followed by Amber, smiling at the familiar contents and the smell of home.
She came in the family room and looked around at the cozy leather furniture and big screen TV that was sitting on a dark wooded entertainment center. The kitchen toward the back of the house was open to the older dinning room table and the view through the French Doors to the ocean was spectacular.
"Steve," she said in awe, "I love it!"
He smiled, pleased that she did. He pointed up the stairs; "There's two bedrooms and two bathrooms upstairs."
She looked up there and nodded, knowing one of the bedrooms was hers'; they wouldn't be sharing one. She turned to him, "I really like it."
He came and stood next to her. "I'm glad. I want you to feel at home here. Nothing is off limits, Amber."
"Thank you. I do feel at home already."
"We'll get you settled and then maybe we can go get a bite to eat. I don't have any food in the house."
"Sounds good, I'm starving."
"Danny," Steve said, "do you want to come? My treat."
He stared at him, still trying to come to terms with this new mysterious person that had entered their lives. He knew of Amber from the calls on the trail, and the little bits and pieces that Steve had given him, including the deaths of her children at the hands of her ex, but was still unclear why she was there. The fact that he was on a need to know basis was insulting. She was a part of Steve's life now so in turn she was a part of his as well, but I guess he wasn't good enough to know details.
"No, I think I'm just going to go," he said curtly, feeling a little irked at the questions that were never answered. "You two enjoy your dinner date, or friend date or whatever it is." They both heard the sarcasm in his voice. He turned to leave when Steve spoke up, knowing it was grossly unfair to keep him in the dark any longer. Besides, if he really wanted Amber to feel at home, then it was up to him to make her feel that way. Telling Danny about the baby was his first duty.
"Danny wait." he looked over at Amber with a desperate expression. "We should tell him."
"Now?" she asked surprised over his suggestion, but was glad that he didn't want to hide the pregnancy like she had thought. "Ok," she swallowed nervously, wondering what Danny's reaction was going to be. "Maybe I should go for a walk," she suggested, not really wanting to be a part of that conversation incase the name Catherine came up. "I think it would be best."
Steve got the hint loud and clear. "Ok."
Amber touched him on the arm as she walked past him as a small gesture of support. "I think I'll go for a stroll down that pretty beach outside."
"What is going on?" Danny asked as she went out the back door.
Steve nervously ran his hand down his still bearded face and then motioned to the couch, "You better sit down. I have some news."
…
Amber came up from the beach about an hour later, hoping it was ok for her to return considering she was really getting hungry and had to use the restroom.
As she came up the backyard she saw Steve rise out of a patio chair. She glanced around but didn't see Danny anywhere.
"How was your walk? Do you like my island?" he asked greeting her at the end of the cement lanai where the yard began.
"It's very impressive. I've never seen water so blue."
"I'll take you out on a boat," he said, "it gets even bluer."
She smiled over that and looked past him again into the house. "Is he still here?"
"No, he got a call and had to take off."
"How did it go?"
"Pretty good I guess. He was shocked but in the end he's happy for me. For us."
"I know being a police officer he had lots of questions, didn't he?"
Steve chuckled and sat down in the chair again. "Yes he did."
"Is he…" she paused feeling a little anxious about her question, "skeptical of me?"
"No, Amber, not at all. He likes you very much."
She smiled brightly over that, "He does?"
"Of course! Who wouldn't like you?" he added playfully.
She rolled her eyes shyly at his sweet comment. "Oh I can think of a couple of people, one in particular."
Steve tilted his head in question over that reply that sounded sincere, "Who?"
She rolled her eyes again but in a distasteful manner, "Chris, Kevin's partner. He sent me a nasty text a couple of days ago."
"What?!" Steve rose out of the chair, his anger igniting over that, "What did it say? Did he threaten you, Amber?"
She shook her head, a little startled over his swift escalation to come to her defense. "No, not really. I deleted it and blocked his number."
"If he contacts you again, you tell me."
She looked at him surprised, never seeing this side of him before. "Ok, but I don't think he will."
"But if he does, you'll tell me right?"
"Yes."
"Good," he put a hand on her shoulder, "If he does it again, I'll take care of it. Don't respond to him, I will."
She couldn't help but smile over that. It had been a long time since anyone had stuck up for her like that. "What would you say?"
"Don't worry about it, I'd get my point across and believe me, he'd catch it too."
Amber laughed, "I'm kinda hoping he does text me again. I would love for someone to put that arrogant asshole in his place."
"There's no need for him to be contacting you. That's harassment and the one thing I hate above all else," he said with a low growl, "is a bully."
He had been many things to her over the past couple of months, a partner, someone she could rely on and trust, a protector when she needed it, he'd been a good friend even a lover, but she had a new label for him that she felt suited him at that moment, a warrior. He was going above and beyond what she had expected, believing every word he'd said, not just because he was always true to his words, but by the way that he had said it. It was beyond sincere and she could see the anger in his eyes that was put there only because someone had tried to hurt her. The warmth that spilled over to her from it felt amazing. She was in another world that she hadn't even known existed until she met him. It was genuine and true and safe, but above all else she felt valued. He cared enough to go to battle for her, that alone was something she had never experienced before.
He was quickly gaining a new title as well in her eyes…hero.