** TRIGGER WARNING **

=== Chapter is angst heavy.

=== Chapter includes mild references to alcohol abuse & sexual activities.

=== So please feel free to skip this one, if these aren't things you feel up to reading about. *Hugs all*

AUTHOR'S NOTES :

** Modification date in the format (Year-Month-Day)

Modified (2019-12-11)

Chapter Seventeen – Despair Is In The Details

Rod's dream morphs into a full-blown nightmare, as his subconscious reminds him of the many torturous details leading up to the most painful moment of his life.

17 - DESPAIR IS IN THE DETAILS

As the endless night continued to maul its victims, Rod winced in his sleep. Sadly, his confusing heavenly Nicky fantasy, as usual, had morphed into a torturous nightmare. Only this time, it was a nightmare that had the power to rip Rod's poor lacerated heart in two, and crush his spirit into a chaotic wasteland of lonely shards. Indeed, tragically, Rod's merciless memories had already trampled all traces of his dreamy optimism into dust. And the tears torn from his sad eyes, trickled down his cheek onto the damp pillow below, to form a salty lake of despair beneath his battered head.

Desperate to escape the sharp talons of his dream, Rod twitched around in agony. But there was no refuge from his nightmare, as his subconscious reminded him of the most painful experience of his life. And he called out from the dark abyss of his hellish apocalyptic zonkland, his voice saturated with anguish, "No! Please stop! Don't go back there! I don't want to see Nicky like that again! It hurts too much! Please! My poor soul can't take the pain!" But of course, Rod's cries fell on deaf ears. Because no matter how loud you scream, you can't change the past.

- FLASHBACK RESUMES (BACK IN ROD'S APARTMENT) -

Rod turned the key in the lock. He groaned. The apartment block seemed to buzz with annoying little noises, which he thought for sure would keep him awake all night! In fact, he could swear he heard suspiciously orgasmic sounding feminine moans coming from somewhere.

Rod sighed heavily, 'God, I guess Kate Monster has found herself a new boyfriend again! I'm happy for her, of course I am. I just wish she'd go about her love making a little more quietly!' He struggled to get the door open, banging against it to un jam it. "Damn it Nicky! I thought I asked you to oil these hinges!" He muttered loudly. However, luckily the door creaked open upon his final push. It was odd. But as soon as he stepped into his apartment, the noises came to an abrupt end. Only to be replaced by what sounded like very girlish giggling and barely audible desperate whispering.

Rod's brow furrowed in puzzlement, as he turned on the light. He had expected to see Nicky sleeping on the sofa, with the TV still on. Because his dopey roommate often zonked out in front of the shopping channel when Rod wasn't there to protest the waste of electricity and meaningless marketing drivel. But nothing, the room was quiet and empty. And the couch was home to nothing but a pile of somewhat sticky looking cushions.

Rod rolled his eyes at the sight of the slovenly hovel. He knew he would be walking into a junk yard, but he hadn't anticipated quite how overpowering the stench of smelly socks, four day old pizza, festering curry sauce and knocked over beer cans would be!

'God Nicky! What on Earth have you been doing in here?!' Rod held his nose to soften the onslaught from the putrefied milk for a moment, as he looked around to see if he could spot Nicky anywhere. However, there didn't seem to be any sign of his lovably rebellious roommate. He shrugged, 'Guess he went to the bathroom? Or back to his own bed?' He concluded, as he pulled his case inside his home and shut the door behind him. He checked his smartphone for messages, but the battery was completely dead, so he plugged it in to charge on the sideboard.

Rod yawned deeply, as he rubbed his tired eyes behind his glasses. He could still hear some faint giggling sounds, but he thought nothing of it. Because Kate often had late night giggle-fests, especially when she had recently stumbled upon a new love interest. Still, Rod sighed. He wasn't jealous, of course not! That would be ridiculous! But it did seem a little unfair that straight people seemed to have all the luck when it came to love!

Rod reprimanded his brain, 'No! That's not fair! Kate's had her heart broken so many times! She deserves a little luck in the love department for once! Besides, as far as anyone else knows, I'm straight too.' He gulped, as he realized how deeply he had buried himself in the closet. Some days he even managed to convince himself he might be straight, but then he saw Nicky, and the truth smacked him in the face like a wet kipper! He just had to make sure that no one else ever uncovered his shamefully sinful secrets!

Rod couldn't stop yawning! He knew he had to go to bed, and sooner rather than later! True, he had managed to catch a few extra zonks on the plane. However, the chair had been so uncomfortable, that he'd ended up with nothing but a stiff painful neck for his troubles! He rubbed his poor aching shoulders a minute, before he headed towards the bedroom. Usually he would go to the bathroom first, to complete his nightly ablutions. But he couldn't wait to see Nicky! Besides, his body was so utterly exhausted, he didn't feel like he could maintain his verticality much longer!

Rod grabbed the bedroom door handle and slowly entered the room. It was pitch black, and deathly silent, so he couldn't see or hear his roommate. He contemplated turning on the light for an instant, but quickly decided against it. He didn't want to wake his sleeping friend. Still yawning, he loosened the tie around his neck and slipped it over his head.

'Gosh, I'm so tired. Maybe I'll just go straight to bed tonight, sleep in my suit again, like I did that one time back in college. After all, Nicky's always sleeping in his clothes! And it never seems to do him any harm.' Rod stumbled slowly across the floor past Nicky's bed, and towards his own. He carefully edged forward in the darkness. He didn't want to accidentally trip over any of the random objects Nicky would have inevitably left strewn across the floor! He glanced over at Nicky's bed, as the room was momentarily lit by a car's headlamps, hoping to catch a glimpse of his sweetheart. But the bed looked empty. 'That's odd.' He thought, but figured Nicky must just be in the bathroom, or maybe sleeping over at a friend's place? The room did smell like a brewery though, so Nicky must have been there recently.

Rod rolled his eyes, 'God Nicky, when are you going to grow up and stop drinking like you're at a frat party beer chugging contest?!' He thought, as his mothering instinct returned. Still, he was so tired, he didn't really feel up to worrying about it too much right now. After all, Nicky had reassured him that Christmas Eve and Kate had been looking out for him, and he trusted them to look after his friend. Of course, part of him wanted to go out and search for Nicky right this second, and not stop looking until he was certain his friend was safe.

However, poor Rod was so indescribably exhausted after his practically non-stop five day shift and six hour flight! So utterly exhausted that he barely had enough energy to remain standing! Let alone enough energy to go back out into the cold windy night to search aimlessly! No, his Nicky worries would have to wait until morning.

Rod couldn't see a thing in the pitch black darkness. But he reached out to feel for the bed. And he was just about to grab the duvet so that he could clamber beneath the covers, when he was startled by a loud squeal. He shrieked and fell backwards onto the floor, "Wha… Wha… What?! What?" He kept repeating over and over again, as he reached up to turn on the lamp on the nightstand. And the full horror of the situation slowly sank in. "God Nicky! What the hell is go... Go… Going… Gone?!" He spluttered nonsensically, as he felt his heart plummet to his feet.

Rod's eyes burned, as they rapidly adjusted to the bright light and the horrific sight. There in his bed, was a half-naked blue skinned woman perched precariously over his friend. Nicky still had his boxer shorts and t-shirt on, thank God! But the woman was only wearing a very skimpy out-fit, consisting of nothing more than an incredibly revealing set of lacy red lingerie. She winced a little in the bright light, but remained straddled just above Nicky.

"Hey! Do you mind?!" The woman muttered in annoyance, as she flicked her orangey red hair forward, so that it fell down beside her eyes and over her clearly bountiful bosom. "You're kinda ruining the mood!"

Rod felt like he had been shot and stabbed in the heart at the same time. It was as if he had been paralyzed by a tranquilizer dart designed to stun his poor weary heart in the most painful way possible. He couldn't speak anymore. He just sat. Utterly dumbfounded. On the floor. Hugging his legs with his quivering arms. His body was still there. But his soul had been torn from his mind, leaving only an empty shell behind to shiver in its place.

The pale blue woman started to laugh, as she draped her skimpily adorned body seductively on top of the covers. And she ran a hand through her long flowing ginger locks, as she waited for the interruption to be resolved.

However, Nicky looked almost as horrified as Rod. Although, he was clearly incredibly drunk! "God Rod! Um, you, um, didn't tell me you were comin' back early buddy! If you had, I never would've…" He trailed off, as he struggled to find the words. "Jeez, this is kinda embarrassin' and all." He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, "I'm so sorry buddy. Honestly I am! So sorry! I didn't mean to, um…" He trailed off again, as words still failed him, and gulped hard.

The woman continued to giggle, "Guys! This is so funny!" She stared down at Rod, and flicked her fiery ginger locks back over her shoulders again, "Tell you what, you can join the party too if you want honey? It'll cost you double though!" She winked at the blue man who sat trembling on the floor. Before quickly adding, "But no touching or kissing allowed! I'm not a hooker! I'm an erotic dancer! Got it?! And don't even think about trying anything! Because my colleagues know where I am! They're still around the corner at Trekkie's! And I've got my back up muscle on speed dial the moment I suspect any funny business!" She warned, as she gestured to her smartwatch.

However, Rod wasn't even looking anymore, and he didn't say a word. Instead, he only continued to stare blankly at the nightstand, hugging his quivering legs as tightly as he could. Whilst he slowly rocked his shocked and shaken body back and forth in an attempt to quell his ever rising despair.

Nicky stuttered out some more lame excuses, in his somewhat drunken stupor, "Look, um, Rod… I swear buddy… I told her… I told her to go out the window, as soon as I heard the door creakin'! I swear, I told her to leave before you came in!"

The woman frowned, and gave Nicky a hard stare, "Look chump, I'm not climbing out the window for no man! No matter how many $100 bills they shove into my hand! Let alone for a measly fifty bucks!" She waved the note in the air, before holding it up to the light to check it was genuine.

"Look, I'm sorry, um, what's your name again?" Nicky clearly wanted the woman gone, but she wasn't budging from Rod's bed.

"Rhodesia." She shot her decidedly scruffy-looking customer another hard stare, "And I'm not going anywhere until you give me the extra $150 you promised me! Trekkie paid the rest upfront for the party. But I told you, I only go back to do private dances for an extra two hundred bucks!"

"Sure, sure." Nicky gulped again, as he grabbed the other $100 Trekkie had kindly loaned him, along with the remaining cash Rod had left him from the desk. He shoved it into her hand. "Happy? Look please, just go all right!"

The woman huffed, but after quickly counting through the cash, slowly got up from the bed and collected up her clothes. "Fine. But I'm going to warn the other girls to stay clear of this place!" She spat angrily, as she slowly began to get dressed.

"Jeez, look, do you mind?" Nicky glared at her.

The ginger haired woman exhaled her disgruntlement, "God, you're really pushing it mister! Fine! I'll get dressed out there! But you're getting blacklisted for sure!" She swaggered off into the other room, leaving the two men alone in the bedroom.

Rod still sat motionless and speechless on the floor. It was as if all the life had been sucked from his cheeks, and he looked as pale as a ghost. Nicky sat down next to him, still only wearing his boxer shorts and t-shirt. The stench of alcohol on his breath was almost enough to send Rod dizzy.

"Rod, Rod, please talk to me buddy? I'm so sorry, yeah. Honestly I am." Nicky sniffed, as a tear trickled down his cheek.

Rod still couldn't find the words to respond, but he knew he was on the verge of a major meltdown. So he gulped back as much of his despair as he could, before he stumbled to his feet.

Nicky tried to help him up, but that was probably the worst thing he could've done! Because Rod immediately snapped, "Get the hell off me Nicky! Don't you dare touch me!" He yelled heatedly through his tears, as he roughly pushed his friend away.

"Rod, please, um… Don't be mad buddy! God, I'm so sorry, really really sorry! You know that right?!" Nicky backed off slightly.

Rod couldn't even look his roommate in the eye another second, so he stared dejectedly at the floor. "I, I, I, um, need to, um, be alone… Um, um... Right now." He spluttered between the sobs. "Don't, don't… Don't follow me!" He cried out, as he took off out the bedroom at lightning speed.

"Please don't do this Rod! I didn't mean it buddy!" Nicky called out after him, "Please Rod! Come back! Talk to me! Let me explain buddy!"

But Nicky's pleas fell on deaf ears, as Rod ran past the disgruntled stripper and out into the corridor, as fast as his wobbly legs would carry him. He didn't even know where he was going. He just knew he had to get away. Get away from the pain, get away from that woman, get away from Nicky! God, did he really just think that?! He didn't really want to get away from Nicky? Did he? As the pain continued to mount in his mind, Rod could feel his legs fail. And he collapsed near the top of the apartment block stairs, as he broke down into a seemingly endless flood of tears, and tumbled into a seemingly bottomless pit of despair.

'How could I have been so stupid?!' Rod smacked himself on the forehead as hard as he could. 'Of course Nicky doesn't love me! He's straight! He's always been straight! He's always been my friend… But, but…' He sobbed into his jacket sleeve, 'But that's it!' He had lost all control over his body now, and he curled up into a whimpering ball on the stairs. Of course, it was an incredibly uncomfortable position to lie in. But Rod didn't care. He just prayed that any minute he would wake up, and all this would just be some kind of bad dream. However, sadly, he didn't, and it wasn't.

Rod didn't know how long he had been crying, but it felt like an eternity. He contemplated whether or not he should get up and climb to the top of the building. Maybe he could… No, he wouldn't do that! But maybe he could hide up there? Maybe he could hide from Nicky… Forever? He gulped back his relentless tumultuous tears, as he slowly staggered to his feet, and stumbled forwards.

However, just at that moment, Rod heard someone shouting his name. 'God, no! I've got to get out of here!' He thought, as he began running up the stairs as quickly as he could again.

Unfortunately, Rod's poor exhausted body couldn't keep up the pace of retreat demanded by his poor broken heart. And he passed out on the last step, falling suddenly onto the ground. THWACK! His vision blurred, as the nightmare faded. And the last thing he saw was an angelic green face staring down upon his now motionless body. "Nicky, why?" Was all he could manage, before everything went completely black.

- ROD WAKES UP -

Rod winced in the bright light, as a green hand dabbed his head with a warm moist flannel. "Nicky?" He muttered, as he slowly remembered what had just happened. "Was it real?"

Nicky gulped and slowly nodded, as he pulled the flannel away. However, he couldn't bring himself to confirm it in words.

Rod's lip quivered, as he quickly rolled over on the sofa to face away from his friend. "So, has she…" He began, but was quickly interrupted by Nicky's reply.

"Yeah, um, she's gone Rod." Nicky stumbled around to the other side of the sofa to try and get a look at his friend's poor bruised face. "Rod, come on buddy, let me see!"

Rod grabbed a cushion from beside him and pulled it down over his head. The cushion was very sticky with chocolate and pizza grease, but he didn't have time to worry about that right now! "No! Stay away! Leave me alone! I asked you never to bring women back here… For, for… Um, that! After the last time I found those… those, those under, um, under lady garments, um, on my chair!" He cried, his voice muffled by the pillow squished against his face.

Nicky tried to apologize again, "I'm, I'm sorry Rod. I didn't think. We didn't, um, do it or nothin' though. I promise buddy! She just, um, sorta danced a bit is all. Then when I heard the door creakin', and you mumblin' about hinges and all... I, um, kinda panicked I guess. But she wouldn't go out the window or nothin', so I got her to hide beneath the covers with me. Jeez, I know it was dumb Rod." He rubbed a hand down his sticky stubble. "Really, really dumb. I just, um, thought maybe you'd go to the bathroom or somethin', and she could sneak out while you were in there. God, I suck! I really really suck! But, please let me see your face, I need to make sure you're okay is all."

"No! I don't want to even look at you right now Nicky! How could you?!" He resumed his despair mode, but quickly added, "In my bed!" In an attempt to conceal the true reason for his monumental meltdown. He felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest, and replaced with an ugly plastic doll that would haunt him for the rest of his life!

"Um, jeez buddy… I, um, I donno." Nicky muttered, as he went back round to the other side of the sofa, to crouch down beside his sobbing friend. "Please buddy, I, I, was, um, very drunk is all… And well, I was so lonely without you here buddy."

Rod suddenly felt another wave of anger boil up from beneath the tears, "So, you're saying it's my fault you got drunk and hired a hooker?!" He snapped, as he turned around to glare at Nicky a moment.

"Not a hooker Rod. An erotic dancer." Nicky answered, as he smiled slightly at the sight of Rod's chocolate smeared face, "Rod buddy, I've missed you so much you know. So very much! And gee, I'm so happy you're back is all!" He reached out to wipe the chocolate from his friend's cheek with the damp cloth. But of course, Rod immediately flinched away, grabbed the flannel, and turned back to bury his head in the cushion.

"Well?!" Rod demanded, ignoring all Nicky's attempts to lighten the mood, "Answer the fucking question Nicky! Is it my fault you got drunk and hired a fucking hooker?!"

Nicky gulped hard, "Um, jeez, of course not buddy. I was just tryin' to um, well, gee, explain why I did it is all." He was about to reach out to stroke the back of Rod's head, but he instantly decided against it. "Um, look Rod, I'm honestly sorry buddy. Truly, truly sorry. I know it was wrong. I was just so lonely is all. And then these blue and yellow bears… They convinced me to go to Trekkie's party and…"

Rod yelled into the pillow, "God Nicky! I should've known! I told you to stay away from Trekkie while I was gone! Was that really too much to fucking ask?!"

"Um…" Nicky hung his head and trailed off. He really didn't have any good excuses to offer, so he thought maybe he better stay quiet for a bit and let Rod say his piece.

"Nicky you have no fucking clue what I've been through the past few days, do you?"

"Um, nope." Nicky answered briefly.

"My boss said that no one would ever truly love me! He said that if I ever had a girlfriend, that she'd always cheat on me, and that I'd deserve it too…" He trailed off, as his sobbing fit intensified again, "Well, um, you know what Nicky?"

Nicky didn't know what to do or say, so he remained quiet.

Rod was crying so hard now, he only managed to splutter out three more words, "He was right!"

Nicky couldn't help but reach out and wrap his arms around his friend, "No! No he wasn't Rod! Don't you listen to that stuck up douchebag! You are worth a zillion of him! A zillion zillion! I mean it buddy! You are super duper lovable! Super super duper lovable! Jeez, you're the most lovable person in the whole damn world Rod! You know that, right? I've never met anyone more lovable than you! Never in my whole life! So don't listen to jerks like that! They're just jealous, cuz they know they're gonna die alone, with no friends or nothin'. But you won't Rod, cuz you'll always have me!" He was beginning to feel somewhat angry now. He hated how badly people treated his friend sometimes! It made his blood boil!

Rod wanted to push Nicky away, but he was in too much of a state. So he just lay on the sofa, shaking in despair, as Nicky hugged his arms tightly around him.

Nicky hated seeing Rod like this. It always tore his heart in two. However, for some reason, this time it was so much worse. Because Rod was at least ten times more upset than he'd ever seen him before. And Nicky hated himself for triggering such a breakdown in his best buddy. But he wanted to be there for him. He wanted to be there for Rod no matter what!

Eventually Rod could feel his tear ducts gradually run dry, so he slowly turned around to face Nicky. His eyes were red from sobbing so hard, and his face glistened in the light it was so wet with salty tears. "Nicky, why?" He repeated his earlier question, as his lip quivered from the intense inner pain that continued to mercilessly thrash his poor broken heart.

Nicky stared deeply into Rod's indescribably sad eyes, and he felt his own eyes immediately tear up again too. "I donno Rod." Was the only answer he could find in his chaotic drunken mind.

Rod wiped his already soaked sleeve across his face, "You, you, know… what Nicky?" He muttered in the midst of his relentless sobbing.

"What Rod?" Nicky asked, his voice deep with concern, as he reached out to lightly stroke Rod's cheek again.

Rod pushed Nicky's hand away, "It, it, um, weakens my spirit when you, um, do things like this. It splits my soul in two." He blurted out, in between yet more sobs.

Nicky threw his arms around Rod again, "I'm so sorry buddy." He began sobbing too. "You know I never meant to hurt you or nothin'! I swear! You believe me? Right buddy?"

Rod gulped, "Nicky I don't know if I can keep doing this. Maybe we need to go our separate…"

Nicky cut in, "No! Don't say that Rod! Please don't say that! I need you buddy! I need you so so much!"

Rod stared sadly at the floor, he couldn't bring himself to look at Nicky, because he knew if he did he wouldn't be able to say what needed to be said.

"I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much."

"But why Rod? I, I, um, I know I messed up and all. But jeez, we can get through this. Right buddy?!"

Rod couldn't help but look up, as Nicky moved his face ever closer to his own. He scrunched his eyes shut for a moment.

"Rod, come on buddy! We need each other, right? You know I didn't mean to hurt you? You know, yeah?" Nicky asked tentatively.

Rod couldn't help but open his eyes to meet Nicky's deeply pleading gaze. He sighed sadly, and nodded, "I know." He mumbled softly. Before he paused, and slowly stood up to walk away towards the bathroom. Nicky tried to grab his hand, but he immediately pulled it free, "I know." He repeated, as he dashed into the bathroom and swiftly locked the door behind him.

Nicky tried to stop him, but he was too late. And there was nothing he could do to ease the all night sobbing session of his clearly inconsolable despairing roommate. He leaned against the door all night, waiting for Rod to return. And eventually, of course, he did. In the morning, Rod rushed out, barely stopping to take a breath, as he explained what he was going to do to try and fix their friendship woes. He would add an additional rule to their roommate agreement, Nicky would sign it, and they would never discuss this horribly painful incident ever again!

- END OF FLASHBACK -

AUTHOR'S NOTES :

** All comments & criticisms welcome. I'm a huge Rod & Nicky fan, so I just write about them for fun! =)

=== I know the plot moves super slowly. Probably too slowly! But as I'm focusing on character thoughts, internal monologues, memories, flashbacks & dream sequences. Unfortunately, I don't think I can change that! =/

** I've tried to ensure this fic is written in American English, with US slang & terminology etc to fit the theme.

=== Thus, hopefully it's never noticeable. But alas, I'm British. So sorry for any slip-ups!

** I apologize if the plot seems a bit disjointed & drawn out.

=== I confess I'm prone to going off on tangents in the form of flashbacks & dream sequences! It's just so much fun!

** Also I apologize for any poor grammar!

=== I confess, some of my grammatical errors have become part of 'my style' in a weird grammatically incorrect way! Because I can't bring myself to change certain grammar mistakes, even though I know they are technically wrong! And yes, I'm mainly referring to the dialogue tags! Because the correct way, just looks odd to me now for some weird reason! Still, I apologize if it bugs anyone! =/

** Thanks goes to NitrusOxide, FranBMan & Ted-Drakness, from deviantArt.

=== As it was reading their stories that initially inspired me to have a go at writing my own Rod/Nicky fic!