SLYTHERIN HOUSE
"Okay," Daphne says. "Do we understand the plan?"
Vince and Greg glance at each other.
"Is she talking to us?" Greg asks.
"I think she is, Vince," Vince says.
"But I thought you were Vince," Greg points out.
"Am I? I thought I was Greg," Vince says.
"But I'm Greg, Greg," Greg says.
"Maybe we're both Greg?" Vince suggests.
"No!" Daphne cuts in. "You're Vince, and he's Greg!"
"So who are you?" Vince asks.
"Daphne," Daphne says frostily. "Daphne Greengrass."
"Oh," Vince says. "I think we've met."
"Hi," Greg says. "I'm Greg."
Daphne scowls. "I know."
"And I'm Vince," Vince says.
"Greg," Greg says, holding his hand out for Vince to shake.
Vince frowns. "I thought you said I wasn't Greg."
"I thought I was Greg," Greg says.
"Are you?" Vince asks.
"Am I?" Greg asks.
"You are!" Daphne interrupts. "Now listen, I need your help!"
Vince blinks slowly. "You need our help?"
Daphne grinds her teeth. "Yes."
"Greg, can we help her?" Vince asks.
"Only if Draco lets us," Greg says.
"Oh yeah," Vince says. "We're supposed to do what Draco wants. Where's Draco?"
"I dunno," Greg says. "He didn't stay in our bedroom."
"Do you think he got his own bedroom?"
"Maybe he did and it's super fancy."
"No wonder we're supposed to listen to him."
"What do you think he wants us to do?"
"Listen to him, I think."
"Enough of that!" Daphne snaps. "Let's go."
"We can't," Greg says.
"Why not?" Vince asks.
"We're waiting for Draco."
"Oh yeah. Do you think he'll be here soon?"
"Tomorrow?"
"What happens tomorrow?"
"I think it's Tuesday."
"So tacos?"
"I prefer burritos."
"Are burritos sandwiches?"
"Are sandwiches burritos?"
"Sandwiches don't come with guacamole."
"Guacamole gives me farts."
"Me too!"
Internally, Daphne weeps.
HUFFLEPUFF HOUSE
"...and the edict declaring that goblins were no longer allowed to perform stand-up comedy at open mic night was the last straw, if you'll pardon the expression, because that on top of all the wizard hegemony that had built up in the ten years since the treaty of Bucksternag led the goblins to declare war on the wizards again."
Blaise and Hannah look at each other, impressed.
"How'd you get that from Binns's lecture?" Blaise asks. "My mom said he was the most boring teacher of all even when she was back in school, and nobody ever manages to pass his tests."
Hermione blushes. "I read a lot. And, well, I like to read about history, and some of the stories seemed like they might be interesting if they weren't in our textbook, so I looked into them...y'know?"
Hannah smiles. "I'm glad you did. We might actually pass history!"
RAVENCLAW HOUSE
"Hail and well met, fair Dudley!" Zach says, sitting down in the common room across from Dudley.
Dudley stares at him. "Why are you talking like that?"
"I'm trying to set myself apart from my compatriots of a regrettably lower social status than mine," Zach explains. "It seems that such an extensive vocabulary along with the wherewithal to use it in casual conversation should easily show my upper-class status and make me stand out as a character to emulate in all facets. Wouldn't you agree, Dudley?"
Dudley blinks a couple times. "No."
"Oh," Zach says, before rallying. "Well, what would you know? You're supposedly the author's self-insert despite being a character originally in the story, yet you haven't done a single thing since the sorting. Shouldn't you have a larger role?"
Dudley blinks a couple times. "Yes."
In a corner, Nymphadora–
"Hey, you don't have permission to call me that!"
Really? I'm like 90% sure I misspelled it anyway.
"That's not the issue. The issue is that if you're gonna talk to me, you have to call me Tonks."
I wasn't going to talk to you. In fact, you're the one talking with me.
"So? You're the one dragging me in at this point. I'm pretty sure I didn't actually show up in canon until well after I graduated from Hogwarts, although I could be wrong."
Shouldn't you know that?
"No, I'm a character within the story, so I don't know my future."
Well I've never read the books so I'm just guessing about your future.
"How about we stop this conversation and you just agree to call me Tonks."
Can I call you Tonx instead?
"That sounds like an overpriced nail salon. No."
Fine.
In a corner, Tonks shook her head and smiled to herself. Firsties really didn't know how long this series was, and how they might all get moments to shine.
"Assuming you finish this story in the first place. You're writing it with no clear plan."
Hey, I thought you were done talking to me!
"Now I am."
...
I literally have nothing to write in response to that, so instead let us move on to the last of our illustrious four houses.
ANIMAL HOUSE
"WOOOOOO!" Dumbledore hollers, running around Hagrid's watermelon patch stark naked. "STREAKING! WOO!"
"Why does he do that every time he gets drunk?" Snape groans to himself as he watches from Hagrid's kitchen windows.
"He feels the need to get the breeze between his knees," McGonagall says, giggling. "Speaking of which–"
"No!" Hagrid cuts in. "No! Not again! We all remember what happened last time!"
"What happened last time?" MAN RAY BITCH asks.
"Well, you see–" Flitwick starts to explain.
"Oh, Flitty," McGonagall titters. "Flitty Flitty Flitty Flit Flitty."
Flitwick glares at her. "You don't even remember my first name, do you."
"Does anyone?" Snape says snarkily.
Tears spring to Flitwick's eyes. "No."
Snape's eyes widen. "Oh no. No. Not–"
Flitwick bursts into tears. "I TRY SO HARD!"
Flitwick throws his arms around Snape and cries into his thigh while Snape awkwardly tries to pretend that this isn't at all weird.
"I try!" Flitwick sobs. "I try to teach and educate and inform, but does anybody remember me? No! I'm a head of house, but nobody remembers that because it's not Slytherin or Gryffindor! I even lost that job in this fic because the author thought it would be funnier that way! I teach Charms, but because I'm not a complete jerk like you or a one-book character like everyone who teaches Defense, nobody remembers that! Especially since Charms is just another weird wand-wavey class without anything to set it apart as its own study! Even the incompetent fortune teller who hasn't even cameoed yet is better known than I am! I'm just, I'm just–I'm just that midget guy! Do you know what that's like?"
"No," Snape says truthfully, patting the Charms professor on the back. "No, I do not."
Flitwick takes a deep sobbing gasp of air. "Snape, I've never been anyone's favorite professor. Not once. Not once not ONCE! I can't even get that little bit down! And yet you, you have the charisma of a wet dog turd, yet at least four graduating students each year name you their favorite professor! How?"
"I don't know," Snape says uncomfortably. His eyes widen. "Minerva! No!"
Minerva simply grins at him and undoes the clasp of her bra. It's at that point that Hagrid's cottage suffers from a rack overflow error.