"How was Christmas?"
"Weird." Athena shrugged. She wrapped her cardigan tighter around her body - the heat was blaring, but she was still freezing. The slight tickle in the back of her throat didn't help to make her feel any more comfortable, either.
"Why was it weird?" Mary Anne shoved her glasses further up her nose.
"This was our first Christmas together in three years."
"Your mother spent Christmas with you?" Mary Anne cupped her chin in her hand, eyes trained on the girl lounging in the chair before her.
"Yeah. My dad asked her. She was going to move out, but he talked her out of it."
"Were you happy that he talked her out of it?"
"I didn't really care either way. My sister and brother liked having her there and that's all that matters."
"And your dad? You've said that the two of you are close. You're very protective of him."
Athena ignored the question for a moment. Her thumbnail scraped against the nail of her index finger, removing some of her already chipped nailpolish. The bright red that Seph, so eager to use her Christmas present, had painted on her nails was already almost gone. That included the red that surrounded Athena's nails. Seph wasn't the most experienced manicurist and, just as she did when she coloured, staying inside the lines wasn't a skill of hers.
"My dad has to make his own choices."
"Correct. His choices will affect you and your siblings, though." Mary Anne paused, her head tilted as she watched Athena continue to pick at her nailpolish. When Athena didn't speak, she prompted: "So you must have some opinion."
"I don't know. That's an opinion, right? I. Don't. Know."
"I believe that is an appropriate response in this situation. There are a lot of things happening and it can take time to process all the changes. Let's start small. How do you feel about your sister and brother? Have your feelings changed?"
"Since moving in permanently with my dad?"
"Yes. You seem to have opposing views on your parents' situation. Lio seems a bit indifferent either way while Seph sounds like she very much enjoys the arrangement."
Athena finally quit picking at her nails, placing her hands on the armrests and drumming her fingertips against the rough fabric. "They're younger than me. Seph just wants mom and dad together again. She doesn't really understand what happened. And, ya know, things might actually be different. I don't know that they won't be different. I just know that what my mom did was so, so, so messed up and it really hurt my dad. I don't ever want to see him go through that again. Ever. I mean, my mom's going to therapy and she's getting help, but I just...I don't know."
"Let's examine your mom's situation, if you don't mind."
Athena nodded, wrapping her fingers around the edge of the armrests. Her mother's situation was still a difficult topic for her. There hadn't been nearly enough communication and she had so many questions swirling around her head that even she didn't know where to begin. Luckily, she didn't have to start.
"Have you given any more thought to your mother's disorder? I know you were afraid of the possibility that you may begin exhibiting symptoms as you age."
"Is that possible? I've tried to research it, but I haven't really gotten a good answer."
"Yes," Mary Anne nodded, "we believe there to be a genetic predisposition for Bipolar Disorder, both type I and type II, as it does tend to run in families. The exact influence that genetics plays is still debatable."
"So I could end up being just like my mom." Athena frowned, eyes falling to her lap. She could feel the water building, but refused to let it fall. Her mother had torn their family apart and if she knew anything, it was that she definitely did not want to be like her mom.
"You have an increased risk, compared to the general population, of developing Bipolar Disorder. Athena, I want you to remember that this is a disorder that affects roughly one percent of all people. That's not a huge percentage. There is no guarantee that you are going to develop this disorder. In fact, even with your increased risk it is still highly unlikely that you develop this disorder."
"I don't want to be like her." Athena raised her chin, staring at her therapist as her voice wavered. "She ruined everything."
"I know that you blame her for what happened to your family. I'm not picking sides. We have discussed why I cannot do that. But I will say that I understand why you would place this blame on your mother. Through her actions, she set some things in motion that you haven't coped with. At least you haven't coped well. Do you understand, Athena, why she made those choices?"
"She blames it on the medicine she was taking then."
"That's a huge part of why she made those choices. When someone with Bipolar Disorder takes an SSRI, it can trigger a manic episode. How much do you know about mania?"
"I know there's like two types. There's two types of Bipolar, too."
"Correct. Mania and hypomania. Your mother experiences manic episodes, not hypomanic."
"What's the difference?" Athena tilted her head, inhaling deeply.
"Mania is more severe than hypomania. It is one of the main distinctions made between type I and type II. When your mother experiences these manic episodes, she tends to make extremely poor decisions. Someone in a manic stage doesn't see the consequences of their choices. Their mind tricks them into believing that there are no consequences. They sleep considerably less and are very productive... Um...Often, they have disorganised speech because of their racing thoughts."
"It doesn't make sense though. My mom loved my dad. I think she still loves my dad. There's like no reason for her to have cheated. It's not -"
"Logical?" Mary Anne raised a brow, pausing long enough for Athena to nod. "Athena, this is going to be hard for you to hear because you are a logical child. You try to rationalise everything. But you can't do that in this situation. Your mother wasn't rational when she made that choice. There is no logic that can be applied. There is a reason that Bipolar Disorder is, at times, considered a disability. It can be disabling - especially in your mother's situation when it wasn't being treated and, later, wasn't being treated properly."
"It's just...I…"
"It's hard. I know. You are attempting to explain and understand your mother's actions as if she were mentally healthy. You cannot do that, Athena. It isn't fair to her. It isn't fair to do that to anyone who suffers from a mental health issue. You cannot provide your mother with the same constraints that you would naturally expect from someone whose brain is functioning correctly."
Athena blinked rapidly, swallowing around the lump in her throat. Chewing on her bottom lip, she glanced toward the clock on the wall.
"Why would she cheat, though?"
"I know you want a definite answer. I'm not sure that there is one." Mary Anne gave a small, sympathetic smile. "All I know of your mother is what you have told me. I can tell you that some individuals who experience manic episodes experience hypersexuality as a side effect. I am not saying that your mother did, but she may have. Extended periods of a manic episode as would have happened with your mother taking an SSRI, can also cause what we call bipolar psychosis. This is auditory and/or visual hallucinations...um...paranoia."
"My mom and I haven't really talked about this…"
Mary Anne pursed her lips, nodding her head. "Ask her if you can go with her to a psychiatry appointment. Her psychiatrist will have to consent, but if she does I believe it would be beneficial for both of you."
"Okay."
"Thanks for coming over." Olivia stuffed her hands into the large, black Carhartt she had thrown on. The cold wind stung her already red, wind burnt cheeks and hurt her chest with each ragged breath she took. She was still trying to catch her breath.
"I don't think you could've gotten her back in there." Jerry finished latching the green, metal gate. His eyes fell on the Friesian mare standing by the round bale in the middle of the field.
"She's beautiful," Olivia breathed, her own gaze travelling across the black horse. It had been a surprise when she had glanced out the kitchen window to find the horse frolicking around the side yard. A phone call and mad dash to find boots ensued before the Friesian had been coerced back into the field. It had taken more time for Jerry to temporarily fix the fence than it had to catch the horse.
"That's what Athena spent her show money on last year."
"She never mentioned a horse." Olivia leaned against the wooden fence post as Jerry rested his arms across the gate.
"She's a teenager. Still processing. She'll keep you more informed when she's older."
"Well, she's always been a daddy's girl. I'm sure she tells him everything."
"They do have a special bond. I don't think she tells him as much as you think," Jerry laughed.
"You know, when we first brought her home I swore Fitz wasn't going to put her down. It was so bad. I thought we were never going to get her to even sleep in her crib. She wanted him to hold her all the time," Olivia laughed, a smile crossing her face. Sometimes it felt good to reminisce.
"He was excited to be a dad. I remember that he called me. Ath couldn't have been more than a month. He went: 'Dad, she's perfect. I'm a dad'. And he just kept repeating it."
"He's a great dad."
"Yes he is."
Olivia inhaled, balling her hands into fists in her pockets. Her eyes travelled to the sky as a large, wet snowflake hit her cheek.
"I didn't know we were supposed to get more snow."
"All night," Jerry sighed. "Ellie was watching the news when I left."
Olivia nodded, turning her head to look at her ex-father-in-law. Heart thumping in her chest and her palms sweaty, she began speaking - forcing the words out of her mouth as quickly as possible before she changed her mind.
"I...want to sign a release for you. With my psychiatrist and therapist. If that's okay with you. You know more about this than anyone. Even me. I just...I need someone to know what's happening and maybe even explain it to me."
"Okay."
"Okay?" Olivia's eyes widened. She hadn't expected Jerry to agree. Not with the way everyone still felt about her.
"You've been my daughter since you were seven years old, Liv. Since you were that little girl who moved into the house next door and became my son's best friend. Whether you wanted it to happen or not, you became part of mine and Ellie's family. When your grandmother told me that your mother had disappeared and that you've never known your own dad, I made a promise to her. To be there for you. You'll always be family, Liv."
Jerry turned away from the gate, wrapped an arm around Olivia's shoulders, and began walking toward the driveway. Olivia pulled her hand from her pocket, bringing it to her eyes and rubbing at the trail of water that had spilled. Eyes blurry, she nearly missed the headlights glaring toward her as Fitz's truck pulled into the driveway. Jerry's tight grip on her shoulder was all that prevented her from stepping into the truck's path.
"What are you doing here?" Fitz called as he slammed his truck door. Athena rounded the back of the vehicle, tilting her head when she saw her mother.
"Why are you wearing dad's coat?"
"Sorry," Olivia met Fitz's gaze. "I just grabbed something. Freyja was out."
"Did you get her back in?" Fitz's head whipped toward the field, trying to see the mare through the now thickly falling snow.
"We got her up. I fixed the fence good enough for tonight. You'll have to call Randy."
"I'll text him. You staying for dinner?"
"Nah. Your mom's cooking. I'll see you all later." Jerry wrapped his arm around Olivia, pulling her close for a brief hug before moving to Fitz and Athena. On his way to his own truck, he called over his shoulder, "Tell Seph and Lio I said hi!"
Fitz raised his hand, waving at his father before following Athena and Olivia up the sidewalk. Inside the house, the trio removed their coats and hung them on the coat rack. Athena hurried off to her room, leaving Olivia to make conversation with Fitz.
"I'm sorry I used your coat."
"It's just a coat, Liv." Fitz shrugged her apology off, kicking his boots off and moving into the kitchen. "You started cooking?"
"You worked all day and then took Athena to therapy."
"Thank you."
"It shouldn't be much longer. We made lasagna. Lio requested it. Seph doesn't remember me ever making it. She thought that it only comes pre-made." Olivia shook her head, smiling.
"Did they help you?"
"Yeah. It was nice."
"You used to cook with Athena a lot." Fitz twisted the lid off the bottle of tea in his hands and took a hearty sip. "It might be...helpful if the two of you did things together again."
"Did she talk about me in therapy?"
"You were mentioned. That's all she would tell me."
"I want to build a better relationship with her. She's so...I don't know how to connect with her. Lio and Seph are easy, but Ath...I don't know how you do it." Olivia rested her forearms on the island, biting her lip.
"That's because Lio and Seph are like you."
"And Athena is so much like you." Olivia laughed. Her oldest daughter had always been more like Fitz. It was why they were so close - and why they had the almost unbreakable bond they had.
"She's weary, Liv. She'll come around, but you have to give her a reason."
"Ew!" Athena covered her eyes, doubling over and laughing loudly. "The confetti is literally sticking to him!"
"I don't see how anyone can sweat that much." Olivia stared wide-eyed at the television screen. The New Year's Eve Miami performance was like a bad trainwreck that she couldn't turn away from no matter how hard she tried. Sweat poured down the performer's face and his white dress shirt had a healthy amount of sweat rings around his neck and underarms.
"It's so gross!" Athena gagged, her laughter continuing to fill the room.
"The two of you are going to wake Lio and Seph," Fitz stated, entering the room with a bottle of sparkling grape juice in his hands.
"I get some?" Athena wondered as Fitz filled all three glasses that sat on the coffee table.
"It's just grape juice, Ath." Fitz placed the bottle on the table behind their glasses. He handed Olivia and Athena theirs before grasping his in his hand and reaching for the remote.
"I'm trying, Ath. Part of that is avoiding alcohol," Olivia informed the blonde beside her.
Athena nodded, sipping the tart, but sweet drink. "Just family time tonight, mom."
Olivia's attention was drawn to the table at the sound of the remote hitting the table. Fitz raised his glass, clinking it with each one of theirs as they began counting down with everyone else in The Garden.
"10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1!"
"Happy New Year!" Olivia wrapped her arm around Athena, pulling her sideways into a hug.
"Happy New Year. Mom, dad." Athena shrugged out of her mother's embrace, standing from the sofa and reaching for a blue and silver party horn that lay on the table. Setting her glass down, she put the end of the party horn to her lips and turned toward her father, blowing on the device and laughing when the end hit Fitz's cheek.
"Crazy kid." Fitz shook his head, reaching for one of the throw pillows on the sofa and hitting Athena.
"Dad!" Athena laughed, lunging for her own pillow. The ensuing pillow fight lasted for minutes with the two chasing each other around the room. The fight ended with Athena bidding both parents goodnight and trudging up the staircase.
"You're so good with her," Olivia observed as Fitz rested against the sofa, his breaths coming in short puffs.
"We just have fun. She's got a lot on her plate and sometimes she needs reminded that she's only a kid."
"Do you ever wonder what things would be like if -"
"I don't want to be the asshole who shuts you down right now, Liv. But I'm not ready for that conversation."
"Yeah," Olivia nodded, swallowing. Her gaze drifted back to the television only returning to Fitz when his snoring filled the silence that had settled across the room. Shaking her head, she stood from her seat and reached for the throw blanket that lay on the back of the sofa. Shaking the blue, fuzzy blanket out, she threw it over Fitz.
Turning the television and lights off, Olivia silently crept up the stairs toward her own bedroom. So far, this new year was looking only slightly better than the previous.
A/N - Athena had a very important conversation with her therapist. She and Olivia are moving closer to a combined session. I know a lot of you have been wondering when that will happen and...it takes time. Not all therapists like combined sessions - some advise against them and some won't do them at all. They have their own set of risks and challenges and the client has to agree to them as well.
What about the direction Olivia and Fitz are moving in? If it seems awkward and unsure to you as you read, that's how it should seem at the moment. They don't know where they're heading and they still have a lot of issues they haven't addressed.
Until next time,
Gabi