"This is, after all, just part of my cover" Jade said coldly.
"Drop the act, Jade" He demanded and she looked at him coldly "You don't like this life, I don't even think you believe all the lies they fed you" Beck affirmed and she raised an eyebrow at him.
"Oh, you don't? Do you think I killed all those people for fun?" Jade asked.
"After what you just told me, it's pretty clear you have no choice, you either follow their orders or they kill you too" He simply responded and she looked to the side, that was true.
"So, you think it's okay that I value my life over dozens of others?" She questioned and he looked at her confused. "I am a killer, Beck and I don't regret anything I've done, I would do it again if I had to" She affirmed cynically.
"Why are you suddenly acting like this? You're not a monster, any person living under your circumstances would do what you've done" Beck commented. "I can see it now and I believe you, I believe you're not a psychopath and I believe you care about us, so why are you trying to convince me of the opposite now?" He questioned and she looked down, the truth was she knew her friends would have to leave her life soon and she realized that it'd be harder for her to let them go if they forgave her.
"This was a mistake" Jade admitted. "I shouldn't have said any of that"
"What? Why?" He questioned confused. "It wasn't a mistake, I finally understand, I finally see that you're like this for a reason, but I know that deep inside you're not an evil person, Jade, you're still you" He affirmed and held her hands. "I can see it in your eyes" He added and she looked down
"And what do you expect me to say now?" Jade asked sadly. "-Great, it's great that you get it, now I'm going to go have sex with Katherine and tomorrow I'll kill someone, but then we can meet up for movies and pizza-" She said sarcastically and he looked at her mortified.
"Jade…" He said.
"No! This is my life, Beck and I can't change it, right now you're overwhelmed because of what I just told you so you think it's all good now, you think we can be a happy couple and forget this ever happened, but that's not reality" Jade with a couple of tears streaming down her cheeks "Tomorrow you'll wake up and realize I'm still Alexandra, all the pity will be gone and you'll realize I'm still a mass murderer and you won't be able to handle it and you know why? Because it's monstrous, I'm a monster regardless of my childhood and deep inside you know it" She affirmed with more tears streaming down her face.
"Jade, listen to me" Beck said and held her face gently "You're not a monster and this isn't the life you deserve, you don't have to die for the people who tortured you all your life, it's not fair, you've done enough for them" He affirmed and she closed her eyes as more tears streamed down her face so he hugged her and she felt so broken that she just cried more.
"It'll be okay" Beck said as he held her tight and stroked her head but then she suddenly stepped back and wiped the tears away.
"I'm sorry about this, I shouldn't have told you any of that" Jade said sincerely.
"I'm glad you did" He affirmed.
"Of course you are, you wanted to believe I'm good but it doesn't matter, none of this matters, Beck" Jade said. "This might not be what I want but I can't escape it" she affirmed.
"I know it seems difficult but I'm sure we can figure out a way" He responded.
"How? How do you hide from people like me?" Jade asked and he thought about it, that was a good question because she'd proven lethal in all her missions. "I can't defect, it's suicide so if that's your plan, I might as well just shoot myself and save them the trouble"
"No, no, wait let me think" Beck said and took a breath. "What if you ask for protection? You can tell them everything you've done and what you plan to do and maybe they'll protect you" He said and she laughed.
"Oh my god, you really think it's that easy, uh?" Jade asked and shook her head. "I have killed many defectors who thought they were protected and it wasn't hard, not for me or any of us for that matter, so if I did it I would be dead within a month" She added and he shook his head mortified, she was right.
"We can't give up just like that" Beck said. "You don't deserve any of this and I won't let you ruin the rest of your life"
"There is nothing you can do to change it, this is who I am and who I'm always going to be" Jade responded. "And the best you can do is stay away from me"
"And you really think it's that easy, uh?" Beck asked back quoting her. "I can't just erase the last three years of my life, Jade, I love you, I do even after everything" He affirmed and she stared at him sadly.
"I…" She started and looked down. "I'm sorry, I really am" she admitted.
"You love me too, I know that" Beck affirmed and she nodded a little.
"Yes, I love you and you know what that means?" Jade asked. "It means that I failed"
"No, it means you're human and that those sick bastards didn't succeed in trying to turn you into a psychopathic killing machine" Beck affirmed and she sighed. "You can overcome this, we can overcome this"
"No, we can't, I can't change what I am and I'm sorry but you need to accept it" Jade responded.
"What about Katherine? What if you confess to her?" Beck asked.
"Are you crazy? I killed her husband, she would have me thrown in a dark hole for the rest of my life" Jade commented.
"You said she didn't like him and she loves you now, doesn't she? Why don't you just…pretend you love her back and say you want out of this?" Beck asked and she looked at him surprised.
"Are you really asking me to do this?" Jade questioned genuinely surprised.
"I mean, I don't love the idea of you dating her for real but if it'll save your life, maybe it's worth it" Beck admitted. "Just for a while, only to get you out of this, and then you can break up with her later on"
"Wow…that was unexpected" She admitted. "But it won't work, she wouldn't forgive me and best case scenario would be having to actually date her until she gets tired of me, I wouldn't have a choice or a say in the relationship, it'd be like prison anyway"
"She can't be that bad, I'm sure she'd let you go if you told her you don't love her anymore in a few months" Beck commented.
"Katherine is as vicious as the people who raised me, I can feel it" Jade said. "You think only Russians can be cruel? Your country is just as fucked up as mine, I can assure you that"
"Please just think about it, this might be your way out" Beck commented and she sighed.
"I'll see you at school" Jade simply said and walked away.
Jade arrived home later that night and found John drinking coffee in the kitchen, she didn't even want to see him but when she was heading upstairs, she heard his voice.
"Jade, come here" He demanded and she sighed as she went back to the kitchen.
"What's up?" She asked.
"What's the matter with you? You look…upset" He commented, he knew her better than anyone and he could read her easily.
"I'm fine, I'm just worried because Katherine won't give me any updates on the investigation" Jade said and he nodded incredulously.
"Is that it?" He questioned and she sighed. "Go on, tell me" He demanded.
"Why do we do this?" Jade suddenly asked and he looked at her confused.
"What do you mean?" John asked back.
"Why do we have to do all this? What's the purpose? What do we get from it?" Jade questioned and he took a breath as he nodded.
"You are doubting, aren't you Alexandra?" He said and put his hand on hers, so she stared at him nervously, she felt he would punish her for even asking that. "That's okay don't be scared, I knew this would happen one day" He commented and she looked at him confused.
"What? You did?" Jade asked and he nodded.
"Of course, we all have our moments of doubt, it's normal" John commented. "I'm your supervisor and your caretaker, but I'm not like the robots who raised you and I'm here to guide you in moments like this" He added and gave her a gentle smile. "So go on, tell me how you feel and don't worry, I won't punish you for it" He said and she sighed as she nodded a little.
"I just…I don't understand why we have to sacrifice our lives for this, why can't I have a boyfriend? Why can't I have friends? Why do I have to risk my life every time they say so?" Jade asked upset. "It's not fair! It's not fair that they ruined my childhood and it's not fair that they expect me to ruin the rest of my life too" She added.
"Okay, I understand why you are upset" John said and took a breath. "But I think you're forgetting something important, you're not Jade and you didn't come here to live a happily ever after"
"Exactly, I know…but why? Why can't I just have it?" Jade questioned.
"Because we are simply not like them, we are not like the people in this country and we are not even like most people in Russia, we are more than that" John said and held her hands. "We have a bigger purpose, YOU have a bigger purpose" He affirmed as he looked into her eyes "I know your life has been hard, I know you must be thinking we are the villains in this story and that your loyalty shouldn't be with your abusers" He commented and she looked to the side, it was as if he were reading her mind.
"I'm right, that's what you think, isn't it?" He said and she sighed.
"Nothing bad has happened to me since we arrived here, the only people who have hurt me are not from this country" Jade commented and he smiled.
"And do you think our country created the TA-12 program just because? They had reasons, this country pushed us to our limit and we had to find a way to fight back, you're a new type of soldier, a better soldier and any enhancement requires some sacrifice but it's worth it, you're better than any other agent in the world because of it" John explained. "But don't get me wrong, that wouldn't have been necessary if things were different, all your suffering and all the pain you've been through is the result of a long history that has put us down to give this country a place in the world it doesn't deserve" He affirmed.
"I…" She started but he interrupted her.
"You've been through hell and you have the right to be angry, but don't be fooled, all that suffering was caused by this country and you're not the only victim, you think your life was bad but it can't compare to what they have done to our compatriots in the past, they are barbaric" John said. "You might think that this place is better because they haven't hurt you but make no mistake, Alexandra, if they knew who you really are, if they knew you come from Russia, they wouldn't treat you like they do now"
"Of course they wouldn't, I'm a spy" Jade responded.
"Even if you weren't" John affirmed. "You, me and all our people are not seen as equals here and that's why we have to do things differently, we are fighting for the greater good, we are fighting for our country"
"And you think I deserve to die for that?" She asked sadly.
"Of course not" John immediately said. "But I don't think any life is worth more than a whole nation either, that includes mine and yours" He added and she looked down. "None of us deserves to die but keep in mind it's not Russia who is killing us"
"What about the defectors?" Jade asked.
"They chose their path" He responded coldly "They refused to accept their place in the world, we are agents of change, we are here to undo past wrongdoings and anyone who sides with the enemy is no longer Russian, therefore we no longer care and they are foolish enough to believe this country will honor their sacrifice" John affirmed and she sighed "Now tell me, what happened when they died? Nothing, because these people don't care, they use those who are weak enough to defect and then they abandon them because we are nothing to them" He added and she thought about it, he had a point.
"Were you thinking about defecting?" John asked and she looked at him nervously. "Because that would be a terrible choice, Alexandra"
"No, of course not" Jade affirmed.
"Good, I wouldn't like to lose you, especially not under those circumstances" John commented "You know defectors can't escape their fate but regardless of that, this country is not worth it, they wouldn't appreciate your sacrifice and they would be happy to know you're dead after they suck all the information out of you" He affirmed.
"I'm not a traitor, I just…I wanted answers, I needed to understand why I'm here" Jade said sincerely and sighed.
"You are here because of them, you could've grown up in a normal home, you could've had a happy childhood and maybe now you'd be in school in Russia, your life could've been different but this country made it impossible" John affirmed. "They are the ones you should be angry with, they are the ones who stole your life and now you're fighting to make sure that doesn't happen to any other Russian child again"
"I understand" Jade said and he smiled as he stroked her cheek.
"I know it's hard but you're here for a reason, you made it out of the mansion because you're strong, stronger than most people" John affirmed proudly. "And you'll succeed, we'll succeed together"
"Yes, we will"
The truth was she felt conflicted because part of her believed everything John said, she believed in the purpose of the mission and her role in it, but part of her also believed Beck, she believed her life didn't belong to them and she wanted to just have peace. It was troubling, it felt like a fight between Jade and Alexandra, Jade wanted a normal life and Alexandra wanted to finish the mission. She was both of them at the same time and it was suffocating because she couldn't choose one path, but at the end of the day, it wasn't up to her to make the choice anyway.
It was Sunday night and Jade was back in the apartment with Katherine, they were having dinner and a glass of wine while they chatted about their day; that usually meant Jade would say a couple of stories she made up and then let Katherine go on about all her frustrations, which is what Jade needed.
"You are very quiet today, is there a problem?" Jade asked as they watched a movie on the sofa.
"We still have nothing on the person who killed my husband and blew up the building" Katherine responded.
"You need to stop worrying about that, let the police take care of it and let me take care of you" Jade said as she put her hand on Katherine's leg and smiled seductively.
"You are a treasure, I'm so glad I found you" Katherine said and started kissing her, the kiss quickly turned into a make out session and Jade felt the woman's hand unhooking her bra.
"Wow you're really proactive tonight" Jade commented and Katherine continued kissing her as they walked into the room.
"Do you like it?" Katherine asked biting her lip and Jade smiled
"Oh, I do" She said as took her shirt off and the woman pushed her onto the bed. "I like you when you're rough" Jade added seductively and slowly opened her legs.
"Oh, I've waited for this all week" Katherine said excitedly and got on top of her, they made out for a while and then Katherine broke the kiss "It's game night" She said and got off to grab something from her bag.
"What's that?" Jade asked curiously and Katherine revealed two pairs of handcuffs.
"It's my turn to please my princess…or dare I say, slave" Katherine said smiling and Jade didn't love the idea of being restrained but she didn't want to break their connection.
"Okay…" Jade said nervously and kissed Katherine before she cuffed her hands to the corners of the bed.
"This is gonna be fun" Katherine said and started kissing Jade's neck, she went down her chest, her belly and her inner thighs, so she just closed her eyes and relaxed, she tried to enjoy it. However, Katherine stopped after a few seconds and simply moved off the bed.
"Where are you going?" Jade asked confused and the woman started looking into Jade's purse.
"Let's see what you got here" Katherine simply responded and Jade felt all her instincts firing up.
"What do you mean? What are you doing?" She asked playfully and the woman chuckled as she grabbed Jade's phone and took the battery out.
"I know who you are, sweetheart" Katherine commented and Jade looked at her confused.
"What are you talking about?" She questioned.
"A little birdie told me all about you, Alexandra" Katherine commented. "He told me exactly who you are, what your life was like and how you ended up here, you are nothing but a fraud, a very cute one" She added and Jade's first thought was Beck, he was the only person who knew everything about her, she knew he had come to Katherine to betray her and she felt like the stupidest person on earth for having trusted him. Beck was just like Annie, he was traitor and he didn't deserve her love or even her mercy.
"What? I don't understand anything" Jade insisted. "Baby, it's me…It's Jade!"
"Shut up, I know it all about you" Katherine responded.
"I'm Jade, I'm you girlfriend" Jade affirmed "Please let me go!" Jade begged as she cried, she needed to be convincing but she knew it'd be useless anyway.
"I know exactly who you are, you Russian bitch" She responded and Jade stared at her scared. "You're never seeing sunlight again" Katherine said and a few seconds later four men walked into the room.
"Who are they?" Jade asked scared.
"Let me introduce you to some friends from the CIA" Katherine informed and handed them her purse and the phone. "Battery is out, I couldn't find any bug but it's always better to double check" she said and one of them put Jade's belongings in a bag.
"You sure no one followed her?" One of them asked.
"Yes" Katherine said. "We are ready to leave"
"Leave? Where am I going?" Jade asked.
"No need to worry, we just wanna talk" One of the agents said cynically and she stared at him terrified "Alexandra Romanova, you are under arrest for espionage, identity theft and murder"
Dun dun duuuun
I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter!
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