Authors note: So we are beginning to see the true Bucky Barnes emerge, in part triggered by the trauma of surgery related to his arm. The way I see this, the more intense the memories, the more his feelings erode the Hydra conditioning and the more Bucky gets to break through the Winter Soldier programming. However, when it gets to be too much he will still retreat back into the detached and numb mentality of the Soldier as his mind has been conditioned to do.
It was late in the evening hours after Steve had coaxed Bucky into eating after he could shed no more tears and was left exhausted and docile. Steve had laid next to him in the hospital bed, smoothing back his hair and humming an Irish lullaby until Bucky's heavy, red eyes finally drifted shut and refused to open, his breaths becoming even. Steve remained next to his long-lost love for almost an hour as he thought about all of the turmoil and pain he had seen in those stormy blue eyes. He felt humbled by the very fact that Bucky had survived his nightmare of slavery for longer than Steve had been frozen in the ice and for not the first time he thought about the two years he worked for SHEILD after the battle in New York. Steve felt his own anger and guilt twist in his stomach as he recalled a few rare evenings he had spent with the Strike team after missions, when he was trying to force himself to be social. He felt bile in the back of his throat as he pictured Rumlow smiling and offering him a beer with Jack Rollins at his side, pretending they were his teammates when in truth they were holding his best friend captive, subjecting Bucky to horrific torture and unyielding cruelty all while conducting countless crimes against humanity on behalf of Hydra.
Steve withdrew quietly from the bed, careful to sooth Bucky when his eyes shot open, kissing his forehead again softly as he whispered it was time to rest and he would be back soon. Bucky didn't close his eyes all the way but was too tired to resist the order and let himself fall back asleep.
Steve made his way to the gym after he had asked Jarvis where he could find Natasha. As he entered the large training area he saw Nat and Barton sparing, a match up that was definitely entertaining and creative. Steve almost forgot his anger after twenty minutes of acrobatics and combative gymnastics, grinning when Barton finally tapped out and Natasha groaned in relief, collapsing limp next to her SHIELD partner who was gasping for air now that she had released her choke hold.
Steve gave them a slow clap and received a huffed laugh from Barton with a thumbs up and a simple cocked eyebrow from Natasha. After a moment she got to her feet and offered a smirk as Steve handed her a water canister and then knelt down and handed one to Clint with a chuckle.
"You almost had her a couple times." The Captain teased and the archer barked a laugh before accepting a hand up off the ground taking a long swing of water. He shrugged after facing both the Black Widow and the Captain with a smile of his own.
"Nats a pro at hand to hand combat,… I mean we can't all be good at long distance accuracy,… gotta let her win at something right?" He snickered as Nat punched him in the arm and rolled her eyes. She turned toward Steve expectantly, taking another drink while she waited for him to talk about whatever it was on his mind.
The Captain sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck before speaking, looking at her with a calm but wary expression.
"I need to see the translated text from the Winter Soldier book." Steve met Natasha's gaze as she studied his expression and searched his eyes. She looked over at Barton who offered another shrug, this one not care free or joking. Hawkeye turned back toward Steve and spoke with a cautious tone.
"Cap,… Are you really sure you need to read that?... You think you need to know every single heinous thing they did to Barnes in order to help him recover?... I mean you've already seen so much of it,… Why is it so important to read about the rest?" He asked with a carful and none threatening tone.
Steve swallowed and looked away from Barton and Natasha with a shake of his head. He looked back and fixed them with certainty.
"If Bucky could survive living through all of it,… Then the least I can do is understand what he's been through, … I owe him that much." They were silent for a moment before Natasha nodded, clearly deciding this was an argument neither she nor the others would win with Steve. The Captain nodded back and readied himself for a long night of waking nightmare as he learned how Hydra broke one of the strongest men he knew in order to create their Asset.
…
It had taken all night for Steve to read through the translated text, glaring with angry, tear filled eyes at the pictures in the original text next to it. He felt anger swell in his chest and had to stop reading several times to pace around the room with his hands in fists and once he had to rush to the toilet to throw up before breaking down in tears. By 4:18 in the morning Steve had read the last line of notes that detailed the importance of reinforcing The Winter Soldier's programing by always insisting that he was doing important work for Hydra and that his successful missions should be praised and rewarded with minimal pain infliction before being wiped and frozen. In contrast even the slightest failure or mistake should be strictly punished to emphases the lesson of order through pain as the memory of the missions would be wiped away but not the emotional imprints left behind by the conditioning. Steve felt sick and nauseous, bursting with anger as he recognized that Bucky was dealing with the constant dread of failing his mission to become himself and how much stress that was likely putting on his fragmented mind.
Steve found himself in the gym at the punching bag, hitting the canvas over and over again, the 800 lb bag swinging with each hit. It wasn't until he was drenched in sweat and staring at the busted bag that he looked down and saw the blood on his tapped knuckles. With a heavy sigh he shook his head and walked out of the gym is a haze of faded adrenalin and emotional fatigue. He entered the medical wing with a silent nod at the nurses who all gave him a concerned glance. He didn't have any words for them and so instead just took a moment to peek in through the curtain at Bucky's sleeping form. He fought the urge to walk over and kiss his forehead, aware that Bucky would wake up and likely be concerned with the state he was in, bloody knuckles and exhausted eyes. With limbs that felt as heavy as his heart, Steve Rodgers dragged himself to the shower, letting the water run ice cold as he shivered and imagined the feeling of cryofreeze. He knew he needed to sleep but the thought of leaving Bucky alone made his chest grow tight. So he sat heavily in the arm chair by his friend's side, letting his heavy eyes drift shut for as long as he could even as he heard the morning medical staff quietly moving around outside their curtained hideaway.
….
The Captain stood silently watching behind a one-way mirror as SHIELD Agents surrounded a man in restraints, a traitor who was being interrogated. He remained impassively watching in a dark uniform, a red skull with tentacles curling out from his chest where the star should be. Fury and Peirce each smoked cigars on either side of the stoic Captain as they watched the SHIELD agents, all members of his strike team, taking turns using electric prods to torture the detained man who didn't make a sound despite his expression of twisted agony, blue eyes begging for relief from the constant and unrelenting cruelty. The Captain looked on at the suffering man without any emotional reaction, even as Bucky's eyes looked directly at him raising his one and only shackled flesh arm out toward the man who should be his savoir.
Steve… Steve… Steve…
Steve Rodgers awoke with a choked gasp, the horrific nightmare dissipating as he quickly took in his surroundings. Bucky was awake and watching him with a frown of concern, sitting up and leaning toward him with his hand stretched out, calling out to his Steve. As the Captain's eyes shot open he saw Bucky flinch back and drop his eyes submissively then with a deep breath, blinking rapidly he looked back up at his Steve with intense focus, leaning forward and reaching out again, palm open and steady. Steve instinctively leaned forward and grabbed Bucky's flesh hand, intertwining their fingers as he brought their hands to his lips kissing each knuckle of Bucky's hand with a shuddered breath, swallowing down his sob of relief that Bucky was safe. He felt sick as he blinked away images of the horrific nightmare using his other shaking hand to wipe the tears from his eyes. Bucky let go of Steve's hand and tentatively reached forward to touched his face with gentle, hesitant finger tips, concern etched in his pensive expression. Steve let out another grateful sigh of relief and stared at Bucky with heavy breaths as he let his friend feel his forehead and then check his racing pulse. Bucky's concerned frown looked so much like his friend's expression from their life before that Steve had to smile, his grin growing wide and heart thankful.
"Am I interrupting something fellas?" Stark quipped as he pulled back the curtain around them, Bruce looking startled as they watched Bucky frowning with confusion at Steve's grin while he held two finger's to the Captain's pulse.
"Captain Rodgers was having a nightmare Sir, his pulse rate was elevated and respiration became erratic. I am assessing his need for medical attention." Bucky spoke with calm confidence instead of his normally monotone or hesitant speech, reminding Steve of Bucky during the War whenever he had to make a report to a superior officer and didn't want them to start asking him questions when he was busy with his own agenda.
Steve laughed with excitement at how much he was able to recognize Bucky breaking through even as he still functioned primarily with behavior patterns of the Soldier.
"Ummmm,…Kay." Tony answered after he and Bruce both exchanged looks of curiosity and humor.
"What's the Assessment Sergeant Barnes?" Bruce asked after a few more seconds of Bucky studying Steve's laughing smile, eyes wet and looking at Bucky with so much love the former Asset..
"He needs rest Sir,… A few nights of RnR in a real bed." The Soldier let the words come to him instead of trying to think about what he should say. The statement felt good, it felt right, and he let his own pensive expression lighten as he stared at Steve's fond expression, lips twisting into a smirk before he ducked his head away suddenly shy. He withdrew his hand and laid back in the bed carefully with a wince as his shoulder made contact with the bedding, even the soft pillow and mattress sparking twinges of nerve pain that made his neck go tense as he grit his teeth and snorted a breath.
Steve's smile dimmed and he wiped his eyes again before getting to his feet to try and adjust the pillow so it could prop up Bucky's broken metal arm, heavy even in the reinforced sling that cradled it. Bruce moved to the other side to assist Steve as Tony crossed his arms and looked at the man who killed his parents with that evil metal arm of Hydra destruction. Tony stared at the contorted metal limb and then looked up at the mask of calm focus that couldn't conceal the pain living in Barnes's blue eyes. Steve looked at his friend and he saw it to, how much pain Bucky was attempting to conceal.
"Buck!..." Steve spoke with concern as he carefully stroked the side of Bucky's pale face, a sheen of sweat blossoming as he settled back into a position that relieved the weight of the arm. Bucky opened his eyes and stared up at Steve, bring his own flesh hand up to catch Steve's palm against his face, pressing it there for a moment before bringing it toward his shoulder, with a calm and determined look.
"Get this Hydra Hunk of Junk off of me Stevie!" Bucky offered a strained smile and nod as Steve's eyes lit up and his grin returned with a blush across his cheeks at the familiarity. Tony and Bruce were both stunned briefly at the Brooklyn accent and the words being spoke from the man they were accustomed to behaving as Hydra's Asset. It was not the first time they had seen Bucky break through but the other times he had been in a state of panic.
"So… I guess that answers that question,… Jay how long until the vibranium prosthetic arrives from Wakanda?" Tony asked as he closed distance and plucked a cherry from Bucky's uneaten breakfast tray receiving an arched eyebrow from the Sergeant.
Sir, based on recent correspondence with the representative from Wakanda, the enhanced prosthetic should arrive within 5 days.
"Great,… so,… if our calculations are right, which,… yea know,… they are,… We could have the new appendage ready by the end of next week." Stark gestured casually.
"But,… first we have to remove the Hydra tech and let his shoulder heal before attaching a new prosthetic. The whole area is so inflamed it needs time for the swelling and irritation to reduce before we can begin that process." Bruce explained as Steve looked over at Bucky who's eyes glazed over with a look of resignation as his head dropped.
"Bucky?..." Steve asked with concern.
The Soldier swallowed and looked up at the Captain with a slight pout.
"You're gonna see me without an arm." Bucky looked down at the metal arm and then at his flesh one before shaking his head with a sigh. "I never wanted you to see me like that Stevie." He sighed and closed his eyes again leaning back into the pillow with a winced expression, eyes squeezed tight.
"It won't be for long Buck,… I promise! Your gonna feel so much better after Tony and Bruce replace your mental arm." Steve tried to console him the only way he knew how.
The Soldier blinked open his eyes and his jaw muscles twitched with tension as he dragged his eyes up toward Stark, flesh hand becoming a fist in the sheets.
"Sir, I am ready to comply with the surgical procedure." His tone was almost defiant as he nodded at Tony before his gaze turned menacing and he spoke in a voice that was purposely threatening. "I. trust. you." Stark took a surprised step back and looked at Bruce and Steve who each watched Bucky with caution. Steve leaned down Infront of Bucky to block his Winter Soldier glare from freezing Stark where he stood. He brought up a hand and stroked Bucky's stubbled grown face before leaning forward and whispering to him.
"We can trust Stark… He's our friend Bucky." The Captain spoke with a quite, reassuring tone underlined with authority. He pulled back and looked at Bucky with an expression that communicated he wanted an answer, an affirmation that Bucky understood what that meant. The Soldier met his Steve's gaze and nodded once before dropping his eyes again and focusing on breathing. Steve sighed as he stood up and looked from Tony to Bruce who each studied the shifting personality of their patient with a mixture of apprehension and intrigue.
"Sir, I am ready to comply." The Soldier stated again but this time with his voice calm and mask of numbed acceptance back in place, purposely detached and gaze blank as he looked straight ahead, falling back into his conditioning. The other Avengers looked toward Steve who let out his own heart felt sigh and looked back at them in shared silence, understanding that Bucky was retreating once more into the Winter Soldier's programing but that it was the only way he knew how to deal with the intensely negative and overwhelming emotions. Steve was beginning to understand just how dependent Bucky had become on the Winter Soldier conditioning for his survival.
…
Bucky was sedated and completely unconscious only a few hours later, his steal blue eyes blinking shut slowly as he stared at Steve who held his flesh hand and spoke reassurances to him. The Captain was escorted away to the other side of the room as Bruce and the other Doctors and trauma specialists surrounded their patient and began the careful process of detaching the metal arm and unwiring the prosthetic from Bucky's central nervous system. The Soldier was restrained despite being unconscious as his limbs jerked and spasmed involuntarily. Steve was pacing with his arms crossed as he couldn't look away but also couldn't stand the sight, the documentation and photos from the Winter Soldier book flashing in his mind's eye along with the distorted images of his earlier nightmare. Sam was nearby and attempted to convince Steve to go take a break, having already consulted with Natasha who told him Steve had been up all night reading through the horrific documentation. Steve refused to leave but when the arm was finally disconnected, leaving a bloody hole of burned and charged flesh that had implanted wires and metal plating, his left collar bones exposed by the peeled back lays of flesh, Steve could not take the sight. The dream from his few tormented hours of sleep that morning came back in full force, Steve watching complacently as Hydra tortured his best friend. It had been too close to the truth as Steve had been working with the very organization that was abusing the man he loved for almost two years before project insight was launched.
"Steve… common man,… You look sick!" Sam insisted and the Captain simply nodded and looked away, staggering to the bedrooms and into the bathroom were he let himself throw up again, his protein bars and smoothie down the drain like his dinner from the night before when he had been reading through the graphic depictions of the Winter Soldier's programing and conditioning. The Captain washed his face and took a few mouthfuls of water before pushing himself back out the door toward the medical sweet only to have both Sam and Natasha standing in his way. He stopped and looked at them both wanting to insist he had to go back but desperate not to bear witness to anymore of his friend's seemingly endless suffering.
"The arm is off,… It's over Steve,… Let the doctors patch him up now,… lets get some air." Natasha insisted taking a few steps forward and reaching her hand out toward the Captain who reluctantly allowed himself to be lead out to the balcony attached to his room. Sam followed behind them and remained a quiet support as they all three looked out over the chilly spring afternoon, the sun hidden behind thick grey clouds as if reflecting the grayness of Steve's normally vibrant blue eyes. He was pensive and deep in thought, accepting Natasha's hand rubbing his back as he hung his head with a heavy sigh.
"You look exhausted Steve,… Just let yourself rest for a few hours,… We will make sure he stays sedated until you can be awake by his side." Sam tried to once more convince him but this time to his surprise Steve nodded, shoulders slumped and brow pinched in distress. With a heavy sigh he allowed himself to be led back into his room where he collapsed onto the bed and brought an arm over his face the other one balling the blanket in his fist. They left him alone after that, giving him his space to deal with the emotional devastation he was reeling from.
…..
It was several hours later when Steve remerged from his fitful slumber, less tired but still exhausted and wanting more than anything to just lay down again but this time with Bucky wrapped up in his arms, safe and protected from the hellish memories of his past torment. Steve felt raw and in need of some kind of relief from the gnawing guilt and sickening despair that he felt weighed down by. He walked, blurry eyed and oblivious to those around him as he went straight toward Bucky's bed side, staring down at the slumbering man who lay peacefully sedated, shoulder wrapped in gauze, the bandage concealing the brutal wound left behind by Hydra's handy work.
"Steve?" Banner spoke softly as he approached the Captain slowly, coming to stand next to him, looking from the Captain's distraught expression down toward the focus of his devotion. "We can wake him up now,… we need to… are you ready?" He asked carefully and Steve nodded silently without taking his eyes off of Bucky. The Doctor nodded in understanding and then signaled one of the nurses who carefully detached the IV. Steve shuffled forward and sat down on the edge of the bed, hands desperate to touch but folded in his lap as he waited for Bucky to wake up and give consent, unsure what mindset he might be in.
After only a minute or so Bucky began to stir, and his eyes blinked open slowly. He looked around in a hazy fog at first before he caught sight of Steve and let out a relived breath.
"Hey Bucky." Steve smiled softly, swallowing down all the hunted echoes of the images and descriptions of torture, instead focusing on the present. Bucky blinked a few more times before his lips curved into a small sleepy smile.
"Hey back at ya Stevie!" Bucky whispered sounding every bit the James Buchanan Barnes of days past. Steve let the warmth of his best guy's smile wash over him carried by the words he remembered spoken countless times after long work days and drunken nights out on the town. Steve grinned down at his Bucky and brushed his friend's hair back out of his face. Bucky nuzzled against Steve's calloused palm, seeking the warmth and comfort he was becoming dependent upon. For a moment they were comfortable, and everything was fine, Steve hazy with fatigue and Bucky from sedation. However, the peace could not last long as Bucky shifted and then froze, looking down suddenly wide eyed at the missing limb, his breath catching in his throat.
"My Arm… I…" Bucky's voice was a panicked choke before he looked up and around with frantic confusion, struggling to sit up.
"Hey,… Hey,… it's okay Bucky,… breath,… look at me." Steve placed one hand on Bucky's flesh shoulder and his other cradled the side of his friend's face bringing his fearful gaze up to meet his own steady and calm expression. Bucky bit his lip as he tried to slow his breathing and looked at Steve with vulnerability and humility.
"They took my arm Stevie,… the bastards,… I am a God Damn amputee!" Bucky let out a broken sob as he looked down at his arm and swallowed then tuned away with a grimace as if the sight made him feel sick. Steve pulled him in close and kissed the top of his head as he stroked his back.
"I know Bucky,… But Stark is gonna make you another one,… He has a better arm that won't hurt you like the one Hydra gave you." Steve tried to console and Bucky stiffened in his embrace before letting out a breath and pulling away with a frown and obvious confusion.
"Howard?... How,… where,...I…I thought,… he's… he's dead because,…I,..." Bucky looked around again blinking rapidly with escalated breaths clearly distressed by his confusion and jumbled timeline. Steve let out a deflated sigh and then once more attempted to get Bucky's frantic gaze to lock with his own.
"Bucky,… the year is 2016,... You were a prisoner of Hydra for over 70 years,… You lost your left arm falling from the train Zola was on in the Alps during our mission. Hydra built you a metal prosthetic arm and stole your memory. You escaped about five months ago and you have been healing. You're at the Avenger's tower in New York with me,… and Howard's son Tony Stark is making you a new arm to replace the one Hydra made for you… Do you remember?" Steve spoke with a calm and steady tone of voice as he searched his friend's pensive gaze to see if he understood. After a few moments and a couple blinks Bucky looked away and then down at himself and up to the familiar surroundings, eyes becoming half mast as he let out a few deeper breaths of relief, heart rate decreasing. He nodded and looked down at his arm and then up to Steve with a swallow.
"I need water Steve." Bucky requested as he relaxed back and the Captain nodded, trying to focus on the small victories like assertive speech. Even when his memory was failing and his sense of time and place where confused, Steve could at least be thankful that Bucky was finally voicing his needs and acting more like himself and not the Winter Soldier. The Captain had to stay optimistic and knew that his strength and belief in Bucky's resilience was more important for his recovering friend then his own desperate need to relieve his guilt. With a soft smile and a fond expression, he handed Bucky an opened bottle of water and then pulled up a chair as he accepted two dinner trays from one of the nurses, forcing himself to eat as he encouraged Bucky to do the same.
End note: Every Chapter moving forward will bring Bucky a few steps furthering toward reclaiming his personality and memories but there will be a different kind of pain in processing what he has been through. The Winter Soldier was detached and conditioned not to feel. Breaking through that means all the feels. Here we go.