To say that Chuuya was furious was a grave understatement.
He was outraged. Boiling. Livid.
It felt like all of him was on fire, each cell combusting itself and burning high to fuel a migraine-like throb in his temples. His fist clenched so tight— but he couldn't feel the nail digging into his flesh, instead all of the muscles, all of the tendons— they screamed.
It was several hours since the exchange with the Boss, yet he and Dazai hadn't talked with each other aside from the barest of terse dialogue— only enough to arrange their immediate flight back to Japan. Because as much as Chuuya wanted to be obstinate, both of them can at least agree that they should head back as soon as possible.
Yet…. Chuuya couldn't calm down, couldn't douse the fire searing his insides. Dazai was going to shut him up in a hospital and go deal with whatever bastard that's messing with them... without Chuuya.
They had razed entire organizations together, but now Dazai doesn't trust him enough to even let him participate in such a personal case. The irresponsible Dazai used to rely on Chuuya. They were partners! Indestructible. Unable to stand each other, yet inseparable.
They used to be the one and only Double Black…. and now—
"Chuuya... are you really alright?"
With the delicate, almost tender question the storm inside Chuuya was stoked higher. Chuuya tasted blood, again, with his teeth grinding so hard against one another.
"I'm fine." Chuuya gritted out. The bit of him that was't combusting in rage was surprised at his own self control.
Chuuya was the one with the short fuse. The least of things pisses him off. Dazai's presence guarantee that a thousand times as certain. Without a glass of wine he always feel the urge to kick something, or challenge someone. Sometimes even with the wine.
Yet he doesn't want to punch or kick anyone's head in now, even Dazai's or the Boss's. He was just silently burning to ashes inside.
"It's the Boss's order. So I'll just be silent and rest uselessly in a hospital—" Chuuya added unnecessarily. He wasn't trying to bite, but something in him just have to say it— let it out in the open.
"—while you take care of things." he finished, tucking his head so his red bangs covered his face. He couldn't let Dazai see his eyes… that thought skittered across his mind only to be crowded out by other thoughts.
His eyes were also burning.
Chuuya didn't know it at the time, but Dazai was for once uncomfortable with the situation- and at a deep loss for words. This time he had meekly settled into the window seat, without the usual banter. He had meant it, and a lot of other things, as a consolatory measure. A way to make up for forcing Chuuya to stay in the hospital. Yet the redhead seemed not to even notice a thing he did.
He knows Chuuya would want to be on the mission, but not this much…. Maybe he had read Chuuya wrong— he hadn't worked with him in years, it's more than possible that he's changed.
Chuuya seems to be in so much pain now….. he doesn't want things to be like this, not at all. Should he touch Chuuya's shoulder? Hands? Would he mind? ….. is Chuuya hiding his face because he's crying? Or was he suppressing his anger? Is that why his hands are shaking so hard?
Dazai had had friends before…. and lovers, but never like this. Never to the point that the other's pain and sufferings become his own— at least not for very long. But now he's here, and he's finding that he has no idea at all how to deal with this situation.
"Please, Chuuya…." Dazai prodded again, softly since they were on an airplane, "I just want you to be safe. I— I can't stand losing you."
"Not….. after Odasaku." Dazai added with a trembling voice, but he knew instantly that it was a wrong choice to make. He could feel the heavy sentence hanging between them, thick and foreboding.
After a century, and looking like he's at war with himself, Chuuya lifted his gaze up to meet Dazai's, tears run clear streaks over his cheeks.
"Aren't I safest when I'm with you?" he choked out…. a pleading sob. "Dazai, I can help, please….."
Don't leave me alone again.
That part was left unsaid…. Because as far as their relationship had developed, this matter was still a great black hole in Chuuya's life— a four year gap where Dazai's existence was all but erased.
And as far as Chuuya knows, Dazai doesn't even see anything to be guilty over, let alone apologize to his lifelong enemy for.
And Chuuya was not quite ready to abandon all his pride just yet.
"I know you want to help." Dazai said, his eyes also shiny with pitying tears, "But we both know you can't even run right now…. In fact, can you even use your power?"
Suddenly fueled with a spike of insolence, Chuuya drew a breath and snapped, "Of course I can!" Then he grabbed the nearest thing which happened to be a small pillow the airline provided, which was laying on his lap.
Instantly a red glow surrounds the small object, and it began to lift— But inside Chuuya there was a new fire going on, a pain that seems to make his nervous system burst all at once. His vision flashed white, and he couldn't see—
Chuuya let out a startled grasp.
But he has to prove to Dazai that he can use his ability! He has to go with him!
He would rather set his own nerves on fire than being left behind again.
And so Chuuya struggled to activate every drop off his remaining energy, and sure enough the small pillow was lifted, clad in red glow.
Dazai looked at the figure beside him, cord-thin and cord-taut, trying his best to lift a single small pillow, when he could fling tons of rock in multiple directions at once before.
This mission has been taking its toll on Chuuya for a long time, and it had demanded of Chuuya far more than its due. Dazai knows, because he had been observing Chuuya so closely this past month. Dazai notices every millimeter of lost flesh, every shade of paling face, every line of exhaustion— and Chuuya had far surpassed the limit Dazai had expected.
It came as no surprise to him that Chuuya couldn't do this anymore, not without some time to rest and recover. And he wouldn't be getting any if Dazai lets this matter go on for much longer.
He put a hand on Chuuya's, the one that was activating the pillow-lifting ability. "It's ok, Chuuya…. Please, just rest."
The pillow fell on their joined hands and flop down onto the floor. Slowly, ever slowly Chuuya's body unwind— as if the pain it's feeling is also slow to subside. And panting, and trying to conceal the panting, Chuuya opens his eyes to look at Dazai.
Blinks. Focuses.
"I— could do it." His whisper came out strangled.
"Chuuya…. I just want you to be safe. You can't even stop a bullet right now. Let me and Akutagawa-kun handle this, please. I don't want you to get even more hurt. I'm sorry I didn't figure it out sooner—"
It was just like that time, with Odasaku. Dazai couldn't figure everything out in time, and the first strike was the enemy's.
Both times, it's on someone Dazai treasures the most.
Last time, his friend charged the enemy, knowing that he could only win with his life as the bargain.
Last time, he was too late. This time, he's determined not to even let his friend get close to danger in the first place.
Chuuya lifts his gaze to meet Dazai's— as though he could sense what Dazai was thinking.
His eyes were so blue…. but instead of an ocean he wants to drown in, now those eyes seem like an ice fortress.
"I see…. I'm the second chance…. aren't I? You know what, Dazai? I wouldn't have snuck around and get myself killed like your— friend. But— it's ok…. I get it….. I'm sorry I'm not your Odasaku."
"Chuuya!—
After mumbling that devastating sentence, Chuuya stood up abruptly and went to the plane's tiny lavatory. And didn't come out again for the entire flight.