Dearest Reader, if you had told Remus Lupin that Mr. Pettigrew's offer of marriage would not even merit the title of most offensive proposal received in his lifetime, he would not have believed you.
It is important to note that this disbelief would not have had a basis in false modesty. Remus knew perfectly well that another offer might someday be made to him — though this was hardly certain — and he was uncomfortably aware of the way that his perceived desirability had skyrocketed in recent months.
Indeed, Remus rather felt that the past year had yielded more suitors than he knew what to do with. And between the unwelcome attentions of Pettigrew, his ill-fated flirtation with Barty, and — perhaps chiefly — the most baffling half-advances of Mr. Black (who Remus was growing to think of as some sort of hellspawn arch-nemesis), Remus was quickly becoming disenchanted with the notion of courtship as a whole.
Rather, the basis of his disbelief lay with the mistaken assumption that nobody could hope to outdo Pettigrew's address — who, after all, could be so careless, so demeaning, as to offer their hand in marriage without neither care nor reference to the feelings of the individual they dared profess to love ?
In short, it was the kind of singular stupidity that Remus was certain rested with Pettigrew and Pettigrew alone.
Oh, but Remus had been wrong. So wrong.
But these things are always more easily perceived in hindsight, Reader, and so we must forgive our young Mr. Lupin his lack of foresight.
It had begun unassumingly — as these things often do — with a fake head-cold, and an aborted visit to Grimmauld Place.
Remus — who was looking rather pale and out of sorts — sat heavily into a chair in the front hall of the parsonage. Maria, Mr. Pettigrew, and Emmeline prepared to depart for Grimmauld — Lord Phineas had invited the whole household for dinner, as had become routine during Remus' stay.
"You're sure, Remus?" Emmeline fretted. "Because I would willingly stay at home with you, and brave all Lord Phineas' displeasure…"
Mr. Pettigrew's head snapped around with alarming swiftness, his expression most scandalised. "My dear Emmeline, I beg you to reconsider! My most noble Lord and patron would insist— "
"I shall be quite alright." Remus cut in assuringly, feeling wan and tired — he was not at all recovered from the news Colonel Longbottom had let slip that very afternoon, and had no intention of facing Black anytime soon. "It is only a headache — it will pass. And, I'm sure, more speedily in quiet and solitude."
Pettigrew relaxed marginally, and smiled piteously at Remus, as though he could not quite believe the fates would be so cruel as to strike Remus down with such an illness as would prevent him from visiting with the very noble and esteemed Lord Phineas. "Do not worry, cousin — I am quite sure, when all the circumstances are fully explained to Lord Phineas, that he will not be angry." Pettigrew offered Remus a consoling pat on the shoulder, which he returned with a flat, bemused stare. "...For he has such Christian generosity of spirit—"
"—My dear, the time." Emmeline cut in, evidently sensing a sermon brewing. Remus shot his friend a grateful look — he was certainly in no fit mood to be dealing with Mr. Pettigrew today.
"Oh, my dear! Why did you not say before?" Pettigrew demanded in a fluster, plucking his hat and walking stick from the hands of a servant and ushering Emmeline and Maria out the door without so much as a backward glance at Remus. "I cannot begin to count the occasions on which his Lordship has impressed upon me the sovereign importance on punctuality !"
Remus closed his eyes — the echoing footfalls and door-slams that accompanied the party's departure excessively loud to his ears. He rubbed his temples tiredly, and slowly walked into the adjoining room. He needed to think, and rest .
For, as it turned out, being all at once filled with fiery contempt and righteous anger at the man who had destroyed the happiness of his most beloved cousin was rather an exhausting affair.
Alone at the parsonage, Remus occupied himself with mulling over what Longbottom had told him, reviewing everything he knew of Lily and Potter in light of the revelation of Black's sabotage. Remus amused himself with devising punishments for Black's treachery, which grew increasingly gruesome and imaginative over the course of the hour.
Remus was trying to recall the name of one particularly obscure torture device originating in France when he was startled by an abrupt knock at the door.
Remus sat bolt-upright, having long ago reclined on the chaise in order to more comfortably visualise Black's suffering.
His brow furrowed in confusion. It was too early by far for Emmeline and the others to have returned, and everyone else in his acquaintance in Hunsford ought to be at the dinner with Lord Phineas.
"Come in?" He called out hesitantly.
The door swung open at once, and through it advanced Mr. Black.
He looked distinctly ruffled, almost jumpy. He strode into the room without ceremony, setting his effects down on a side table and bowing stiffly to Remus, who could not summon the words to express his unpleasant surprise.
Suffice to say, Black was the very last person he wished to see.
"Forgive me. I hope you are feeling better." Black said in clipped tones, and then strode past the spot where Remus lay without waiting for a reply. Black faced the front window, turning his back on Remus entirely.
Remus noted the other gentleman's jaw — clenched and set, a muscle spasming under the not-insubstantial pressure. Remus was sure that he had never seen Black so tense before. He blinked. "I am, thank you."
Black turned to look at Remus, his expression oddly closed and calculating. He seemed to be having some difficulty deciding what to do with his hands, and his fingers flexed in poorly-veiled agitation.
"Will you not sit down?" Remus said hollowly, setting himself properly upright on the chaise and gesturing to an opposing chair.
Remus thought it would be impossible to endure the company of this most awful man with equanimity, and frantically sought a strategy for the management of his current bind. He quickly concluded that it would be best if he spoke as sparingly — and coldly — as possible, so that Black might take his leave.
For his part, Black seemed to be experiencing some sort of psychological crisis. He shifted uncomfortably, briefly taking a seat in the offered chair. He folded his hands and looked at Remus for a few long seconds, before jumping to his feet in agitation.
Remus could only stare at Black with an expression he thought approximated polite confusion, though it could've easily read as bemusement (much closer to what Remus was actually feeling). Black was clearly in the grips of some bizarre fit.
Well, I suppose housing the spirit and essence of the Dark Lord Satan will do that to you. Remus thought with some bitterness. The gall of him to stand here in my presence after what he did to Lily…
Black started pacing, looking as though he were fit to burst.
"Er—"
Black turned to Remus, eyes frighteningly intense and oddly short of breath. "In vain I have struggled — it will not do. My feelings will not be repressed."
"Oh," Remus startled. "Well, um—"
"You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."
Remus choked — there was nothing else for it. His whole world had turned on Black's words — his unwelcome, insane, impossible words.
Instinctively, he ducked his head, staring determinedly at his feet. His heart was beating painfully hard, blood rushing in his ears — though whether this was a result of sheer mortification or the simmering anger he'd been contending with ever since his walk with the Colonel was most unclear. His cheeks flooded with colour. This simply couldn't be happening.
He couldn't bring himself to look Black in the eye.
"In declaring myself thus, I am fully aware that I will be going expressly against the wishes of my family, my friends, and I hardly need add, my own better judgment."
Remus' head snapped up at that, his ire overpowering his embarrassment in that moment. Surely Black did not mean to insult him now ?
But indeed it did seem that Black intended to provide a thorough summary of Remus' social inferiority, as he continued his address thusly; "The relative situation of our families is such that any alliance between us must be regarded as a highly reprehensible connection." He huffed. "Indeed, as a rational man, I cannot help but regard it as such myself."
Remus reminded himself that it wouldn't do to punch a Lord's nephew in his best friend's sitting-room. Even though he was speaking ill of Remus' family — of every person he most loved in the world. It wouldn't do. He reminded himself over and over, until he felt his fists unclench.
"But, it cannot be helped." Black concluded grimly, with the air of somebody writing off a bad business investment. He focused on Remus properly now, walking several paces closer. Remus resisted the urge to bodily flinch at the unwelcome proximity.
Black's voice was low, now, and some small measure of softness stole away into his expression — this, more than anything, made sickening dread grow in the pit of Remus' stomach; "Almost from the earliest moments of our acquaintance, I have come to feel for you a passionate admiration and regard, which, despite all my struggles, has overcome every rational objection, and I beg you, most fervently, to relieve my suffering and consent to be my husband."
Remus swallowed the growing lump in his throat, but his voice was still hoarse and thin when he replied; "In such cases as these, I believe the established mode is to express a sense of obligation…" He forced himself to meet Black's eye; "But I cannot."
Black came over strangely frozen — it looked very much to Remus as though he had ceased breathing altogether.
"I have never desired your good opinion, and you have certainly bestowed it most unwillingly." Remus could not contain his reproval. "I am sorry to cause pain to anyone, but it was most unconsciously done, and I hope will be of short duration."
Black remained stock-still for a few long moments, and Remus felt as though he could see the thoughts rapidly whirring behind Black's eyes as he processed Remus' prompt rejection. Abruptly, he turned and walked over to a mirror above the mantel — his back to Remus again. When he spoke, however, his tone was icy enough that Remus could imagine his forbidding expression perfectly well;
"And this is all the reply I am to expect?" Black was quiet, but even so, Remus couldn't quash the impulse to flinch. "I might wonder why, with so little effort at civility, I am rejected."
"And I might wonder," Remus heard his own voice shake with the anger he had been repressing since yesterday, "Why, with so evident a desire to offend and insult me, you chose to tell me that you liked me against your will, against your reason, and even against your character!"
Black turned to face Remus, expression mildly taken aback, though still sullen and angry.
"Was this not some excuse for incivility, if I was uncivil?" Remus concluded, automatically tilting his chin up defiantly in the face of Black's oppressive glowering. Having built up steam, he heard himself continue; "I have every reason in the world to think ill of you. Do you think any consideration would tempt me to accept the man who's been the means of ruining the happiness of a most beloved cousin?"
A flicker of something crossed Black's face, but it was quickly lost to the maelstrom of anger and bitterness that had clearly taken root at the very moment of Remus' refusal.
"Can you deny that you have done it?"
Black scoffed, and resumed his restless pacing — not for the first time, Remus was struck by the man's likeness to some predatory animal. "I have no wish to deny it! I did everything in my power to separate my friend from your cousin, and I rejoice in my success." Black stopped, and muttered under his breath; "Towards him I have been kinder than towards myself."
Remus laughed — coldly, hollowly. "You will forgive me if I have no regard for your particular brand of kindness . In any case, it is not merely your conduct towards Lily on which my dislike of you is founded. Long before it had taken place my dislike of you was decided when I heard Barty's story of your dealings with him. How can you defend yourself on that subject?"
It took less than a second for Black to transform from sullen and bitter to wildly angry. His eyes flashed dangerously at Remus.
"You take an eager interest in that gentleman's concerns." He said it quietly — too quietly. Remus might've been frightened if he wasn't already so furious.
"Who that knows of his misfortunes could help feeling an interest in him?"
"His misfortunes ." Black chuckled darkly. "Yes, his misfortunes have been great indeed!"
"And of your infliction!" Remus argued. "You have reduced him to his present state of poverty, and yet you can treat his misfortunes with contempt and ridicule!"
Black stared hard at Remus, his mouth open disbelievingly.
"And this," he said after a beat, " this is your opinion of me?" Not waiting for a response, he continued. "My faults by this calculation are heavy indeed."
Remus didn't know what caused him to say it, but the words were out of his mouth before he could call them back;
"Barty said you had a type."
Black tensed. "Did he now?"
"Yes." Remus said, steeling himself. "He said I fitted it. Said you'd pursue me." Guess he was right on that score, though I doubt he anticipated a proposal of marriage. "He said you had certain proclivities — that you'd had boys that looked like me in University."
"It was his type!" Black growled, fury seeping from every pore as he recommenced his dizzying pacing. "His proclivities ."
Remus replied coldly, disbelievingly; "If you say so."
"I suppose you think I paid for it, too?" Black demanded, rounding on Remus. "Well? Is that the measure of it? I'm a scoundrel who would steal a living out from under a poor, helpless orphan and has to pay for a fuck?"
"Since you put it that way—"
"I've never even had anybody before!" Black burst, looking momentarily embarrassed, but pressed on; "Not in University nor in any of the years that came after, I— I have not the disposition for casual dalliances."
Remus descended into surprised silence. Even he had a couple of brief experiences under his belt, discreet tussles with stable-hands and boys from the village — hands lingering, moving down, slipping under breeches, stroking, panting, kissing… Most lads had done it, or so Remus had thought. He hadn't ever been underneath anybody, of course. In all honesty, he didn't think he ever wanted to. All descriptions to his mind sounded rather painful, and he thought he might prefer to be the buggerer rather than the buggeree.
Not that he'd ever have the opportunity to figure out his preferences either way — that was an activity for the marriage bed, which, in view of the current circumstances, he'd clearly never make it to.
"You don't believe me." Black stated flatly in the face of Remus' long silence.
"No, I do." Remus said — it clearly pained Black to admit his inexperience.
"But you have ?" Black's tone was far more accusatory than it had any right to be. "You've been with men before?"
Remus flushed angrily. "It is no business of yours."
"If you hadn't, you'd have just said as much." Black surmised, before carrying on; "You must have been discreet, to your credit. I would've heard if you'd been off buggering half the town—"
"Oh honestly, I haven't buggered anybody!" Remus said hotly, feeling very much like he wanted to hit Black. "I'm not some slag— "
"So what was it then?" Black demanded. "A bit of a kiss, a bit of a feel?"
Remus felt the lump from earlier re-forming in his throat; his cheeks hot with humiliation. "I'm not ashamed of it." He said, voice wavering. "It's not unusual, and it didn't go too far. I never jeopardised my reputation or got carried away, not once. Most lads do it — there wasn't any harm ..."
" If you say so ." Black said sardonically, mirroring Remus' earlier words.
Remus felt the prickling of angry tears at the indignity of being attacked in this manner, and only just managed to hold himself together.
"And did you fuck Crouch?" Black then demanded in what Remus chose to view as a fit of unbridled jealousy. " Well? Did you?"
Affronted, Remus replied; "Are you out of your wits? No! " Catching Black's answering dubious eye-roll, he added; "For heaven's sake, of course I didn't! He never even asked me, and I wouldn't have said yes if he had."
For a moment Black almost seemed to relax — Remus' assurance that he hadn't touched Barty a soothing balm to his ragged nerves. Then, it seemed, he remembered the wider context of their discussion — and the rejection of his marriage proposal.
"You are singularly insensible!" Black burst, glaring at Remus accusatory. "To reject my offer — do you have any idea of your own station in life? Do you actually think you can do better than me?"
Remus closed his eyes and prayed for strength. "I beg you to stop, you have insulted me by every possible method—"
"You are a fool." Black said coldly, his barrage of criticism unrelenting; "—Not to mention presumptuous, and common, and judgemental, and—"
" —Please —"
"—Perhaps your answer would have been different," Black said icily, "had your pride not been hurt by the honest confession of the scruples which had long prevented my forming any serious design on you."
Remus gaped openly at Black — how could the man have so little sense of his own cruelty and impropriety? How could he have ever imagined that Remus would accept him in the first instance?
"Might you have said yes if I had concealed my struggles and flattered you? Forgive me, Lupin, but I cannot do it. Not even for you. Disguise of every sort is my abhorrence." Said Black. "Nor am I ashamed of the feelings I related — they were natural and just. But did you really expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections?"
Remus stood abruptly, turning his back from Black and his seemingly unending vitriol. He wished he could block out Black's words altogether — the unrelenting avalanche of insults and slights was designed to demean him, he knew, to humiliate him.
Remus only wished that knowing as much had meant that it wouldn't work. But alas, Black's words cut and stung just as they were intended to.
"—To congratulate myself on the hope of relations whose condition in life is so decidedly below my own?"
It was the final straw.
Shaking, Remus forced himself to face Black; "You are mistaken, Sir. The mode of your declaration merely spared me any concern I might have felt in refusing you, had you behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner."
"I—"
"And even if I could set aside the slight to my character occasioned by your accusations that I defile myself with out-of-wedlock sodomy , and chalk it all up to being the honest mistake of a dispositionally bitter, miserable virgin —" Remus' voice shook, heavy with emotion, "—I would still know in my heart that you could not have made me the offer of your hand in any possible way that would have tempted me to accept it."
Black had, at last, descended into silence. His rejection seemed, at last, to be felt — he had ceased his pacing, and he seemed to deflate under the weight of Remus' cold glare.
"From the very beginning, your manners impressed me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain for the feelings of others. I had not known you a month before I felt you were the last man in the world whom I could ever marry."
Ringing silence followed —Remus could only hear his own heavy breathing. Black stood before him, stock-still and shocked, and Remus knew he had, at last, reached his limit.
"You have said quite enough, Lupin." Black said stiffly. "I perfectly comprehend your feelings. And now have only to be ashamed of what my own have been." Black seemed to be rapidly recovering himself, striding to the door even as he spoke. "I fear I have trespassed too long on your privacy. Please accept my best wishes for your health and happiness."
Black slammed the drawing-room door, and a vase on the far side of the room fell from a side-table and shattered into a thousand tiny pieces.
As much as Remus would like to say it was otherwise, the truth of the matter was thus — the very instant that Black disappeared from view, Remus burst into furious, exhausted tears. Uncontrolled sobs wracked his body as he struggled to keep up with the last few moments — which might've been the very worst of his life, excepting for the deaths of his excellent parents.
Breathing raggedly, Remus attempted to marshall his emotions, and crossed the room to where the remnants of the vase now lay. Shattered beyond repair.
Suffice to say, Remus felt that he could relate.
A/N: Sirius Black's Foolproof Guide to Getting Cute Boys to Like You: Insult them and their peasant status, ask for their hand in marriage, get angry at their sensible rejection of your dickhead tactics and accuse them of being a slag, and voila! Inarguably positive results, every time.
This is a momentous occasion. I've had a great deal of this chapter written before I even wrote chapter one - I'm SO excited to finally be able to post it.
Thank you all for the comments and the love 3