A/N: O O F, it sure has been long... hopefully I could write this chapter while remaining faithful to the characters after a whole year shjfgjfg
... And I may have lied. This chapter is still not that special. I ultimately decided it may go a bit slower, but fear not... more heated parts will definitely be coming =) For now, have a little more foreshadowing and guilt! And the introduction of a new character :D I hope you like him, since I don't usually include OC's in my stories.
I want to thank you all, once again, for the support! I don't usually reply comments, but I read them all and I am grateful for the wonderful readers that follow this fic!
DISCLAIMER: I'll start adding trigger warnings before each chapter; I won't be writing anything explicitly, but it's just so people are careful with any sensitive content.
TRIGGER WARNINGS - vomiting and flashbacks
Opening his eye sockets, Papyrus had not even... realized he'd fallen asleep in the first place; nor had he jerked awake, crying in panic. For the first time, he was... relaxed. At peace. Even though there was something... odd rising inside him? And, for some reason, his skull was faintly aching.
Either way, he woke up slowly, listening to the birds outside. He was greeted by his brother's familiar grin, which was much more natural that time, not exhausted nor worried. His white pupils appeared to have lightened up as Papyrus woke up.
"morning, sleeping bones," Sans teased.
"MMHMM... GOOD MORNING." Papyrus' voice was slightly hoarse. He would soon realize they were still in Asgore's bedroom. So comfortable...
"looks like you had no trouble sleeping this time, huh."
"YES, I DON'T THINK I HAVE DREAMED AGAIN."
Sans hummed. "you feeling better now?"
"I... THINK?" The tall skeleton groaned as he tried to sit.
As rested as Papyrus felt – definitely more than the past few days -, he couldn't push aside the... burning feeling he acknowledged to be inside his metaphorical stomach and throat. It was disturbing, to say the least, perhaps sickening. Sans' smile was no longer so relaxed upon noticing the other's reaction.
"you sure?"
"I'M... FEELING WEIRD. M-MY HEAD HURTS AND... I-IT'S LIKE- THERE'S SOMETHING INSIDE MY-!"
It worsened and- and the burning thing almost escaped his mouth. Papyrus tried to contain it because he didn't know what it was but it demanded to come out. It tasted horribly, like a mix of- of milk and something else he couldn't describe.
"OH, GOD-!"
His immediate course of action was to jump out of the bed and rush to the bathroom, so he could get rid of whatever it was. The tall skeleton, once he closed the door before Sans could enter along, faced the open toilet and allowed the rebellious agent that tried to break free.
Goodness was it horrid!
It took some minutes – a dreadful couple of minutes – for him to finish and then Papyrus was met with a yellowish... green substance dirtying the water, along with some... tiny brown pieces floating in the liquid.
"papyrus?" Sans called from outside. "is everything okay in there?"
Papyrus growled. "THIS IS DISGUSTING!"
"wait... did you puke?"
"I-IS THIS WHAT PUKING IS ABOUT? I HATE IT!"
"huh... well, it does happen when you drink or eat something that is bad for you. sometimes when it's too excessive, too. monsters don't do it often, though... must be all the milk you had last night."
Papyrus would have asked about the milk, but the memories eventually came back to him. He recalled himself drinking several bottles of milk until he'd lost count. He couldn't tell how he had been found and taken to Asgore's home, though. Regardless, he also recognized the brown thingies to be the chocolate bar he had no memory of eating.
Still, there was another question in his mind: had the milk been from... from cows? He faintly recognized the bottles he had bought, and they hadn't been the familiar monster brand nor the same taste. The regular milk he would consume had never had the same effect, either.
Yet maybe it wasn't too concerning – it wasn't like Papyrus had eaten anything the day before, so that could explain it, too. Sans seemed to have concluded that as well. It made sense, so they probably didn't need to worry, he hoped.
"remember when i was hung over on ketchup once? it wasn't too pretty, either," Sans laughed nervously. The younger skeleton may not recall that experience, he would have remembered his brother puking like that, it was simply scary. "but don't worry, you'll be fine. your body is just trying to help you clean it all up."
The tall skeleton nodded, even though Sans couldn't see him as he was still outside. So, he let an affirmative sound, while staring at the contents of the toilet with distaste. Thankfully, no other part of Asgore's bathroom had been dirtied by his carelessness.
Finally, Papyrus flushed down the toilet and exited the room, with Sans placing a hand behind his back.
"you need anything?" His older brother asked.
Papyrus grunted, the ache in his skull worsening. "I THINK... I'M GOING TO LAY DOWN AGAIN."
Sans guided him back to Asgore's bedroom and tucked his brother in again. The queasiness was still bothering the latter but, hopefully, he wouldn't have to rush back to the bathroom so soon.
"i'll get you some water, okay?" The short skeleton told him, putting a caring hand against the other's forehead. "i might get tori and asgore, too, see if they know anything we can get you to eat later. i'm assuming you didn't eat much yesterday, right?"
Papyrus nodded in embarrassment. "I ONLY REMEMBER EATING A CHOCOLATE BAR SINCE... SINCE THE SPAGHETTI..."
He didn't need to finish the sentence for his brother to understand. Sans sighed and said, "i'll be back in a bit. if anything, i might as well go to the shop and make you some soup or whatever."
"T... THANK YOU, SANS."
"no prob. see you later, alligator."
Before Papyrus could ask what him what an alligator was, he realized there was only silence in the room. With that, he assumed his brother must have taken a shortcut downstairs, because that was just how Sans was, teleporting anywhere he could go by just walking instead. Truly lazy.
Well, maybe he shouldn't have a say in that this time, Papyrus thought to himself as he grabbed the other pillow and buried it against his face. This "hang over" was the worst.
From the looks of it, most people had grown used to Sans arriving out of nowhere without warning. Toriel had taken a long time to do so, freaking out in the first times. Yet not too long after he got to the kitchen effortlessly, Alphys briefly greeted him and didn't even take her eyes off her phone.
"Hi, Sans," She said.
"morning, y'all."
Good morning, Sans," Asgore replied with a smile.
The former king, Alphys and Frisk were the only ones at the kitchen, having breakfast together. There was a very good-looking pie at the center of the table, definitely catching Sans' attention for a moment. Regardless, the skeleton ended up focusing on his friends; Asgore and Frisk sat next to each other with... rather sad faces (the former tried his best to hide it behind a smile, but Sans could easily read it) while Alphys was concentrated texting someone.
"How is Papyrus?" Asgore asked. "Is he still asleep?"
"he's good, woke up just now. he's just, uh, he's... kinda hungover." Sans cleared his non-existent throat as he grabbed a glass and filled it with water from the filter near the sink. "just crashed by to gonna get him some water 'cause... he's pretty much puked everything he had yesterday, which wasn't much; he told me he only had chocolate apart from all the milk he drank."
Asgore's eyes widened in worry as soon as he'd heard that Papyrus hadn't eaten properly in hours. "Oh dear..."
"i was gonna ask you if you or tori knew anything he could eat later? until he cleans himself up, i just wanna be sure."
"I could keep some pie for him to eat later... yet for now, he had better eat fruits and more nutritive and light food in general, so he can reset the magic in his body. Toriel knows these things better than I do, though." His face fell at the mention of her. "I have never witnessed anyone in such hang over before."
"yeah, okay." Sans then thought of Grillby, being a bartender himself. He might as well call the fire monster, as he was probably an expert in that stuff. "you think we could make him a soup?"
"I believe so. I have the ingredients here, as I went to the market yesterday."
Sans hummed in understanding. Unable to ignore Asgore's miserable look, he ended up asking, "where's tori, by the way?"
"Oh, she, um... she went to your house with Undyne to see if they could find any more clues to what led Papyrus to destroy the kitchen; the police are helping them as well. And hopefully she will find someone to repair it."
The short skeleton didn't say anything else, deciding not to touch more on Toriel as he couldn't look past the guilt in Asgore's face. The two must have had an argument; he was aware they had a long history, ups and downs through time. Things were getting better between them, as he had been observing, and thanks to Frisk, too. However, Sans understood it wasn't an easy path, so he wouldn't ask about it, it wasn't his business. He just hoped they could sort things out one day.
"She will be back by the afternoon, I think," Asgore told him, having been silent for a little while. "I made sure you have all of your things here, so you can stay here as long as you have to."
Sans smiled gratefully. "thanks, fluffybuns. you're the best."
"It will never be a problem," The goat attempted to return it, showing a little more joy at the compliment, but not looking that much better overall. Frisk briefly glanced at him in sympathy before... spacing out again.
Just like yesterday, the kid had been unfocused the whole time. Sans could tell they were tired, everyone was after the tense night. It didn't help that Frisk would only grow quieter and quieter...
He should talk to them, just... not right there. Sans concluded they might want to be alone, so Frisk could have some privacy. He didn't want to pressure them. For now, he would leave it be, especially as he had his brother to look after, first.
"okay, i should get going, pap needs to keep cleaning himself up." Sans was about to leave when Alphys called for him.
"O-Oh, Sans! J-Just wanted to tell you that I f-found someone who could be Papyrus' therapist!" She said. "H-He's a colleague of mine back at Ebott College of Science and he works in p-psychology for monsters. I-It's still a recent area of r-research, but he treats many patients who are in the same situation as Papyrus. I've seen him work and he's r-really good."
Sans' smile grew. "that's great news, alphy."
"One of her colleagues was my therapist, for that matter," Asgore noted. "They are very helpful."
"awesome. i'll just take this to pap and we'll take a better look, okay? then we could tell him, see what he thinks."
"Sure, o-of course!"
"alright, see ya soon."
Asgore and Alphys smiled at him, while Frisk barely batted an eye. Sans' grin fully faded when he was back upstairs. Gosh, he needed to talk to the kid.
Just like that, the rest of the day would slowly go by. For the most part, Papyrus remained in bed, with the exception of his three or four other bathroom rushes to vomit again. By the end of the afternoon, much to his relief, his queasiness was put to a stop, yet leaving him extremely weakened by the lack of food.
Sans was the one who stayed with him most of the time and sometimes Asgore would look after him, being the host in the first place. Undyne and Toriel had been busy back at their home and Alphys would be found talking to her associate. Speaking of such, she and Sans would both greet Papyrus and tell him the news about his possible new doctor, a therapist named Dr. Kit. He was still studying at Ebott College of Science but already worked as a therapist and psychiatrist, being a member of a recent and reputed group of professionals in that field.
As much as he trusted his brother and his friend, Papyrus couldn't help feeling hesitant to accept the offer at first. Talking about his recent experiences was already a challenge, and when it came to someone he'd meet now… he wouldn't lie that he wasn't scared. Scared that the doctor might not believe him.
Regardless, Papyrus would remember what Sans had told him the previous night. That it was all up to himself to have some guidance in the process of his self-discovery. And well, he was afraid what would happen at the therapy, but… he was more scared of leaving this be. He could have killed his brother. He could be completely blinded by his fear again and who knew if he hurt more people? He was not letting that happen again.
For once, he said yes. Alphys would confirm it with Dr. Kit, so their next appointment would be in at least two days later. The skeleton didn't think he could ever thank them enough for helping him, to the point where none of them actually went to work and, in their own way, spent their day taking care of him.
Except… Papyrus hadn't seen Frisk all day, yet he was aware they hadn't gone to school. Asgore would briefly mention the child for helping him make the sick skeleton some soup, when he was well enough to eat. At that moment, though, the human wasn't there to check up on him; and from Asgore's concerned look, he knew that Frisk must be avoiding him. He didn't blame them for it. He was the one who had started it. He was the one having these visions… Frisk must believe they were making things worse, and it was quite possibly the worst thing he could have ever done to such a dear friend.
When he could finally get on his feet, everything was dark outside. Papyrus could smell food and golden flower tea even from the stairs. Slowly he would make his way down to the kitchen, not before catching Asgore, Alphys and Undyne watching some anime together, the last two cuddling.
"Papyrus! Are you feeling better?" Undyne asked, on the verge of standing up but the skeleton made a gesture for her to remain there with her girlfriend.
"YES, OF COURSE. I HAVE WONDERFUL FRIENDS WHO TAKE CARE OF ME WELL." He smiled.
Fortunately, she was convinced and gave him a smile. The other two monsters observed him as well.
"You certainly look better, Papyrus," Asgore commented. "Would you like to join us? This anime is very entertaining."
"OH, YES! I WILL JUST GET MYSELF SOMETHING TO EAT… I'M NOT FEELING SICK ANYMORE, BUT I AM CERTAINLY HUNGRY."
"Of course. There is some pie I left you." Asgore returned his smile.
Papyrus was then inside the kitchen, those smells much stronger then. Sans and Toriel stood next to one another by the stove, and there were small laughs shared between them. They seemed to be making some tea by themselves. Then, his eye sockets acknowledged a plate with a piece of Asgore's butterstotch-cinnamon pie on the table, whilst Frisk sat by a lonely chair, silently eating theirs. They… weren't looking too great. Papyrus couldn't help staring at them in regret, and he was only out of his trance when the other two monsters called for him.
"Oh, Papyrus! We were going to take it to you upstairs…" Toriel looked worried about him.
"DON'T YOU WORRY, LADY TORIEL! I CAN PERFECTLY WALK NOW! I JUST NEED TO EAT SOMETHING."
He grabbed the plate and the fork, smelling the sweet fragrance of the pie. Just that seemed to make him feel hungrier.
"Would you like some tea, too?" Toriel asked.
"YES, OF COURSE!"
While she prepared a cup of golden flower tea, Papyrus remained where he stood, just a few steps away from Frisk, who hadn't muttered a word nor looked at him at all. The tall skeleton couldn't help gulping and look away, only to find Sans also staring at the child with concerned eyes.
"Here you go, Papyrus," The goat woman snapped him out of it, a mug appearing in front of him.
"OH, T-THANK YOU. I WILL JOIN ALPHYS, UNDYNE AND ASGORE AT THE LIVING ROOM. ARE YOU ALL COMING?" He asked, meaning to include Frisk as well.
"Hm, I have yet to see what this 'anime' is all about…" Toriel realized.
"we'll be right behind ya, bro."
Papyrus grinned at them, only for it to fade upon facing the silent child that refused to turn around and face him. The skeleton sighed and, with his pie and golden flower tea, made his way back to the living room. For whatever reason, the small corridor that connected the kitchen to the other room became longer and darker. Fear would creep back in his thoughts as he walked, but he eventually stopped in the way to take deep breaths.
He was okay. He was safe.
They were safe.
He would be getting help. Everything would be alright.
The skeleton opened his eye sockets again, and realized he was facing some of the photographs Asgore owned. The family picture of the Dreemurrs was illuminated the most by the lights of the living room, and Papyrus, for whatever reason… gazed at it for longer than he intended. Asriel and Chara were the ones that struck him the most at that moment, the former's smile in contrast to the hiding of the latter.
i'm sure you would've been great friends, He faintly recalled Sans say to him.
From what it looked like, Asriel appeared to have been a joyful child, more secure of himself. As for Chara, he… wasn't quite sure. Asgore loved them dearly, yet there were no other pictures of the human in the house, as far as Papyrus was concerned. Maybe they liked flowers, since the child held the bouquet close.
… he didn't know why he was suddenly so interested. At that point, nothing made sense to him. He would figure it out soon, he remembered.
For once, Papyrus left the photographs behind and finally joined the others, the food and his friends filling in the hole that had made way inside his SOUL.
Standing in the same room as Papyrus shouldn't have become a bad thing. It really shouldn't; yet the human couldn't look at him anymore.
Every time Papyrus panicked, he would stare at Frisk as if they were going to do something horrendous to him. That night, when he'd likely woken up from a nightmare, he… he had wanted to run away as soon as he had spotted them. It hurt seeing their friend in so much pain.
And yet… they didn't want to believe it. They didn't want to think he could remember. That should have been impossible.
However, the fear in Papyrus's eye sockets was still clear in their mind and Frisk would then realize it was pointless to deny it.
They… They had promised. They had told themself they wouldn't… restart everything again. They had already had, and to a massive extent; Frisk had made sure nothing else from the past remained. The human had gone to dangerous lengths to get everyone and themself a happy ending.
With that in mind, they also concluded that a full RESET didn't mean Papyrus wouldn't remember – if he actually did, they tried to reassure themself, for some useless reason. He might still do, and Frisk had no way of knowing the others could also remember if they messed up the timeline more.
As… As happy as they were to hear that the skeleton was going to seek help, a therapist, to help himself cope with the confusing feelings he was having and open up, the child was afraid what that was going to mean to them. As far as they were concerned, Papyrus didn't seem to figure out what those feelings meant. He always looked lost, confused and scared.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME, I- I CAN'T TELL WHAT IS REAL ANYMORE BECAUSE IT- IT FEELS LIKE THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING BUT I DON'T- UNDERSTAND ANY OF THAT!
I KEEP SEEING AND HEARING THINGS THAT MAKE A-ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I GET REALLY, REALLY SCARED OF EVERYTHING, A-AND- AND NOW I'M BECOMING THIS... THIS LUNATIC!
The entire universe… Frisk wondered what Papyrus meant by that. Yet he couldn't explain it himself, from what he'd told everyone.
And yet…
Papyrus said he… fought a demon.
He said there was... a scary demon at your house and he defeated them with his... special attack?
T-The problem i-is that... it could either b-be a real person or... o-or maybe...
Frisk didn't like the implications of all those hypotheses.
They'd made sure there was no possibility of their family remembering. They shouldn't have proofs. Frisk had… eliminated them.
Or at least, that was what they thought to have done.
T… They couldn't…
"Frisk? Are you not hungry?"
The human blinked a couple of times, acknowledging Toriel's worried eyes watching them. Frisk hadn't quite touched the pie on their plate, having only taken a few bites out of it. They had been… too thoughtful.
"Sorry, I got distracted," Frisk explained. It wasn't completely a lie; they just hoped she wouldn't ask more questions.
Toriel didn't, but she sighed in worry and maybe understanding. Everyone had been showing this sort of reaction towards them, perhaps believing that they were quieter because of what was happening to Papyrus. Which wasn't that far-fetched, much to the contrary; yet it was beyond their empathy towards their loved ones.
However, Sans and Papyrus himself were the only people whose looks differed. The latter was obvious, but the former… Sans was too observant for their own good. He could easily read people. He wasn't the type of person to push, yet with Papyrus worrying everyone for not sharing his feelings, Frisk suspected that Sans would ask about it sooner or later. He certainly wasn't stupid.
It didn't help that he was also staring at them, with a knowing yet worried look. Frisk tried to concentrate on the pie then, eat the rest so neither got too concerned. At some point, the two talked to one another, while the child silently looked at them.
"Well, I think… I'm going to join the others now. I am very interested to see the 'anime'," Toriel stated, sounding curious and a little excited. Still, it did look like she shared a suspicious glance with Sans.
"you go ahead. i can wash these," The short skeleton offered. Weirdly enough, Toriel didn't insist on helping him that time.
"Very well. I'll see you there."
Something was definitely up.
Toriel left, a bit too hurriedly if you asked Frisk. They were alone with Sans, who did wash the dishes, even though there wasn't much to clean, from what they could see. It didn't take long for the older skeleton to finish and then take a few steps towards the table.
"huh, you're eating it piecemeal?" Sans asked them, trying to make them laugh; Frisk did enjoy his puns a lot, would laugh at them most of the time while Papyrus denied they were funny (ignoring his own dumb smile at the same time).
But now, Frisk wasn't laughing.
"huh, that's… new." Sans noticed it, too. "you usually find me humerus, but you… don't look too good, kiddo."
Frisk didn't reply. Part of them still hoped he would drop it, but Sans wouldn't let it. No, he sat on the other side, facing the silent child.
"frisk." Sans didn't call them by their name most of the time, usually relying on 'kid', 'kiddo', 'bucko', anything other than 'Frisk'. He also sounded rather serious, no longer using the teasing tone he always maintained when around the human.
"we've all noticed you've been pretty quiet… but i can't help feeling like something's… really wrong there," Sans admitted, honest and worried. He wasn't one to explicitly show how much he cared about Frisk. And it hurt them.
They stared at the remaining of the pie staring at them. Although everything was silent, their mind was too loud. Several things were flying around them and they didn't know for how much longer they could hide them. How long it would take for Sans to find out.
They didn't know what to do.
Clenching their fists, Frisk only lowered their head.
"c'mon… throw me a bone or somethin', kiddo," Sans insisted. "it hurts seeing my family hide stuff from me."
Family… they were his family.
No, they- they didn't deserve to be part of it. They didn't deserve any of this.
Were he to find out, they were sure that wouldn't be the case anymore.
Regardless, Frisk found themself taking a deep sigh.
"It's… I-It's Papyrus," The human replied, quiet. "I feel like it's my fault."
They could tell Sans frowned. "your fault?"
For some strange, deep reason, the human raised their head and faced him. They were shaking.
"T… The first time he had a panic attack was around me," They spitted out. "W-When we were cooking, he… he freaked out. I d-don't know why he was scared."
Except they did. Hopefully, they didn't make it sound that way.
Sans… didn't seem to notice.
"oh, gee, frisk…" He commented, sounding sad for them.
There was a noise coming from the chair, and they realized that Sans was closer to them. He had an understanding look, as if… relating to their guilt.
Frisk instantly recalled the argument Sans and Toriel had had. The fact Papyrus had nearly attacked him and then disappeared must have made him feel bad.
"hey," He called them. "i'm… i'm sorry that happened. but i'm telling you, it's not your fault, ok? you didn't do anything to hurt him. whatever happened to him must've been in the past."
Goodness. It felt awful to hear those words.
This is wrong! Frisk wanted to yell.
They couldn't mutter a word.
"we'll figure things out." Sans grinned supportively, much to the child's growing remorse. "the doctor is gonna help him, too, and he'll get back on track. we'll make sure you two get your cooking lessons in order."
For his sake, Frisk tried to smile. It was a weak attempt at most, but it seemed to calm Sans down a little.
"it's gonna be ok," He repeated. "he'll be ok."
They nodded, keeping the smile, somehow widening it even though they were falling apart. The softness in Sans' voice was killing them inside.
that's your fault, isn't it?
"… yeah," Frisk replied without thinking, and then backed it up, "Okay."
The skeleton didn't even question anymore. Frisk must be doing a great job now. That, or… or he really trusted them. Just like everyone else did. Except Papyrus might not trust them again. Once Sans realized it, the child knew what would come to them.
kids like you… .
"alrighty… you gonna finish it or what?" Sans pointed at the pie.
"Y-Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna."
"ok. you mind if i join the other nerds now? or do you want me to wait for ya?"
"Don't worry about me, I'll… I'll be there."
"alright, good…"
Frisk resumed on eating the pie, still finding it delicious even though they weren't too hungry. They knew that nobody would leave them alone if they didn't finish it, so there wasn't really a choice; and they didn't want to make it too obvious that they were still lying.
"hey, uh… for the record," Sans cleared his non-existent throat. "if ya ever need to, y'know, talk about stuff… pie'm all ears." He winked, burying his hands inside his pockets. "even if i don't have 'em."
They couldn't help the little smirk. "Thanks."
"no prob. we're waiting for ya, buckaroo."
Within less than a second, Sans was gone, not before giving them a supportive thumbs up. Now sure that he wasn't watching them, they released a rather deep, painful breath.
Out of their control, Frisk realized their eyes were burning. A few teardrops fell on the table.
As scheduled, Papyrus' very first appointment with Dr. Kit happened two days after that. For the first time, he put on his battle body, having abandoned it for the last couple of days. Finally, he was… hopeful. A bit more like himself again.
That was not to say he wasn't a little concerned, though. It was to be expected, since he'd never been into therapy before. He didn't know many people who went there at all, monsters even less. Again, Alphys had said the psychology area was new for their kind, since they technically didn't have organs. Fortunately, Dr. Kit was a trustworthy name at her college, and he already treated several patients for a few months now.
Papyrus had never gone to Ebott College of Science, so he was excited yet anxious at the same time. He even took the bus with Alphys – they were on their own, since the rest of their family had their own lives to get back to. It was a new experience for sure, spending time with the former Royal Scientist like that. Discounting their talk after his big fight with Sans, they hadn't been together since their last esteem-boosting jog they'd started back at the Waterfall Dump. They might as well start it again, with Papyrus not feeling too great… it wasn't a bad idea.
He briefly mentioned that and Alphys seemed excited, smiling to herself. It had been a lot of fun.
"Y-You know, I don't… I-I don't think I really m-mention it, but…" She looked at him with meaningful eyes. "You h-helped me a lot, Papyrus."
Maybe he shouldn't be surprised, but he grew flustered all at same.
"I DID?" He couldn't help but ask.
Alphys nodded without second thought. "Y-You're all so supportive… even when you found out the t-truth about me, none of you gave up on me. L-Least of all you. I-I don't think I c-could ever thank you enough."
Papyrus smiled. He really smiled. One of his widest, most grateful smiles in the last days.
"I'M VERY GLAD TO KNOW THAT, ALPHYS," He replied. "YOU'RE ALWAYS WELCOME!"
She nodded, returning his kindness. The two grew silent after that, both gazing at the window. The bus wasn't too full of people, there were only a couple of monsters and one or two humans standing, eyes fully enticed to their cell phones. Papyrus quickly looked at his own, not finding a lot of texts, but he quickly wrote a message to his brother to tell him he was on his way to Alphys' college. He then put it away and returned to his daydreaming. The silence between he and the lizard was rather comforting, a mutual understanding filling them with hope.
Once they arrived at their bus stop, the first thing he faced was the tall, modern buildings of the science college.
"A-Are you ready?" Alphys asked, and he could hear her smile.
Papyrus took a deep breath. "YES."
With that, they went inside the facility. He'd seen a few pictures of inside through the internet, yet he'd never imagined how breathtaking it all was.
Alphys guided themselves to the psychology building, leading them to a floor with several offices. It didn't look like a clinic of any sort, like Papyrus had feared. The walls were not white, were instead filled with lilac tones that didn't feel too hospital-like.
There were a couple of monsters there, wearing lab coats and name tags. Most knew Alphys and greeted her with warm smiles; yet their destination was near the end of the corridor, a little emptier in comparison but it wasn't a bad thing. On the door was the tag "DR. KIT – Monster Psychology", with the lights in it on. Alphys knocked on it a couple of times, and not too long after did someone answer it.
"Dr. Alphys." A dark gray cat monster, who looked near the lizard's age, smiled at the two visitors. The two scientists shook hands, and eventually Dr. Kit would do the same with Papyrus.
"You must be Papyrus."
"H-HELLO, DR. KIT. IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU."
"It's nice to meet you as well." Kit's yellowish green eyes were relaxed and calm. The skeleton felt a little more ease. "Come on in."
Papyrus and Alphys entered the office, which looked… quite cozy. There were a couple of armchairs and one bigger couch, as well as a wooden desk and chair in the other corner. There was also a bookshelf nearly as big as the one Papyrus had, except the books there were all about Monster History, trauma, psychology theory… and there were a couple of advanced puzzle ones. He wondered if Dr. Kit also enjoyed puzzles.
The skeleton was a little distracted by the books while the cat spoke to Alphys about something. Only then did his friend come to him.
"I-I'm going to wait outside. You'll be o-okay, right?" She asked him.
Papyrus didn't… take that long to reply. He nodded and smiled. "OF COURSE."
Nodding, Alphys said goodbye to Dr. Kit and thus she let them be. The doctor offered him a seat by either one of the armchairs or the couch; Papyrus ended up choosing the latter, finding it a lot more comfortable than it looked like.
"So, Dr. Alphys must have explained how therapy works, am I correct?" Kit questioned, to which Papyrus confirmed.
"YES. DID, UM… DID SHE TELL YOU ANYTHING? ABOUT WHY I AM HERE?"
"Oh, no. She knows you have a private reason to begin this; which is what I offer you to answer yourself."
Papyrus held his own gloved hands. "OH…"
As much as he loved talking about himself, this was a whole other level. Papyrus did enjoy the room, and how it didn't look like a clinic or anything, yet he didn't know how he was supposed to start. There were far too many puzzle pieces for him to dismantle and analyze…
"I, UH…" He checked his surroundings a couple of times, unable to meet the doctor's eyes. "I-I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHERE A-AND HOW TO START…"
"That's alright, Papyrus. You don't have to tell me the reason now. You could start telling me about yourself, so we get to know more about each other."
He sounded quite patient… he quit bouncing his legs nervously (since when he'd been doing that?) and cleared his metaphorical throat.
"RIGHT… VERY WELL. I-I AM PAPYRUS AND I… I LIVE WITH MY BROTHER, MY FRIENDS UNDYNE AND ALPHYS, TORIEL AND THE HUMAN FRISK – YOU KNOW THEM AS THE AMBASSADOR, RIGHT?"
"Surely, we all know Frisk. They saved us from our long imprisonment underground. A very kind human child," The therapist commented with a tone of admiration in his voice.
Papyrus couldn't help feeling a little bad after hearing the statement. Regardless, he continued:
"IT'S… VERY NICE LIVING WITH ALL OF THEM. WHEN WE WERE IN THE UNDERGROUND, I ONLY… HAD MY BROTHER, SANS. WE USED TO LIVE IN SNOWDIN. THERE WERE A LOT OF NICE PEOPLE BUT… FEW OF THEM WERE MY FRIENDS… I STILL LIKED IT THERE VERY MUCH, THOUGH! AND I APPRECIATE THAT MOST OF THE SNOWDIN FOLKS LIVE NEAR MY HOME, SO IT DOESN'T FEEL TOO DIFFERENT FROM WHAT I KNEW. REGARDLESS, IT DOESN'T FEEL AS… LONELY NOW."
Papyrus wouldn't have admitted he'd been alone back in Snowdin but now he was confident enough to share, as he did sense that difference when settling in the surface with his friends. His home felt more cheerful, more… livid, if that made sense.
Dr. Kit hummed, perhaps having noticed his moment of introspection. He didn't touch on it, though, and asked, "And what do you enjoy doing?"
"HM, WELL… I REALLY LOVE PUZZLES, AS THEY FASCINATE ME AND… BACK THEN, MY DREAM WAS TO JOIN THE ROYAL GUARD – SO I COULD BECOME A POPULAR FIGURE AMONGST THE MONSTERS. BUT WITH THE BARRIER DESTROYED AND THE GUARD DISBANDED, I HAD TO PURSUE ANOTHER DREAM. I ALREADY LOVED COOKING, SO I HAVE BEEN LEARNING SOME TIPS WITH LADY TORIEL IN ORDER TO OPEN MY OWN RESTAURANT ONE DAY."
"Is that so?"
"YES, I WILL START MY OWN CANTEEN! WITH ALL SORTS OF PASTA YOU CAN IMAGINE. HOPEFULLY NO ANNOYING DOGS WILL GET IN THE WAY… THERE'S ONE WHO ALWAYS KNOWS WHEN TO RUIN MY BRILLIANT COOKING SKILLS!"
Dr. Kit frowned a little. "A dog? Don't… Don't tell me it's a little white dog."
Papyrus blinked. "YOU HAVE SEEN IT AS WELL?"
Dr. Kit smirked, though looking slightly annoyed, but not towards his patient. "Yes! I completely understand where you come from… when I was an intern, that same dog managed to sneak into the laboratory and absorb some of my experiences a couple of times. There was no way I could justify myself to my mentor without it looking like a lousy excuse."
"OH NO! HOW DOES THAT DOG PESTER EVERYONE!? IT'S UNBELIEVABLE…"
"Indeed… I'm lucky it hasn't appeared in my sessions nowadays." The doctor let out a small laugh.
"NOW THAT WE'RE ON THE SURFACE, IT DOES SEEM TO HAVE DISAPPEARED…"
"Yes… and so, with the dog gone, you plan on opening your canteen with your friends?"
"AH, WELL… ASIDE FROM TORIEL, I WAS COUNTING ON FRISK TO HELP ME – I WAS EVEN TEACHING THEM HOW TO COOK. THOUGH THERE AREN'T MANY PEOPLE TO HELP ME FOR NOW. ALTHOUGH TORIEL HAS TAUGHT ME PLENTY OF THINGS, SHE AND ASGORE ARE MOSTLY BUSY WORKING AT SCHOOL. SANS WOULD JUST SLACK OFF THE WHOLE TIME AND UNDYNE IS A COP, FIGHTING FOR OUR RIGHTS… AS FOR ALPHYS, SHE WORKS A LOT HERE, YOU KNOW THAT."
Papyrus's joy began fading as he took a deep sigh and resumed, "EVEN THEN, I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO WORK ON MY DREAM ANYMORE. SOMETHING HAS BEEN… COMING UP TO ME LATELY."
The doctor hummed. Noting his long silence, the gray cat asked, "Would you like to talk about it now? Though it's okay if you're not comfortable yet."
"Y-YOU WON'T… TELL ALPHYS O-OR ANYONE ELSE, RIGHT?"
"Of course not. Everything we share here does not leave the room; unless you want to."
Papyrus thought about it. The whole reason he was there at all was to talk about his recent experiences… at this point, he didn't want to hide anymore.
"T… T-THE MAIN REASON I'M HERE IS… THERE ARE CERTAIN… T-THINGS HAPPENING TO ME," He admitted. "I F-FIND MYSELF UNABLE TO SHARE WITH MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY, AND THUS I DISTANCE MYSELF, USUALLY WITH FEAR AND ANGER. SOMETIMES I… SUFFER FROM GRAVE PANIC ATTACKS AND GET OUT OF CONTROL. ONE TIME, I TRIED TO... TO DEFEND MYSELF WITH MY BONE ATTACKS AND– AND I ALMOST HARMED MY BROTHER. S-SOMETIME AFTER THAT, I DESTROYED OUR KITCHEN, B-BECAUSE I... I THOUGHT I WAS IN DANGER."
There was a moment of quietness, as Papyrus didn't continue speaking.
"And… do you know what causes you to suffer these episodes?" The cat monster then questioned.
Well, that was the difficult part. Papyrus gulped and looked away briefly; only to realize the other didn't sound afraid. So, when raising his head again, his eye sockets met Dr. Kit's yellowish green eyes… he didn't find fear in them, instead… the professional looked calm and compassionate.
Suddenly, Papyrus didn't feel as disgusted at himself. He felt… safe to say everything he had to say, now.
With a deep breath, he decided he would at least try.
"YOU SEE, A FEW DAYS AGO…"
A/N: I hope the ending wasn't too abrupt x'v
Long, personal venting below:
If anyone follows my username here and/or in Archive of Our Own, you can tell I've been writing a hell lot of fics for other fandoms, but it's not that I've given up on Undertale. I've been trying to write this chapter for an eternity now, but I couldn't find the inspiration until I slowly fragmented my ideas. Hopefully the next chapters will come faster than this one, because I'm thrilled and excited to write the ending parts.
Also, there's another factor... many - if not all - of my new fics are mostly based on my personal experiences. Lately I've been frustrated, exhausted, heartbroken and saddened by a lot of personal shit that's been bottled up for years now. I've been sort of dealing with what Papyrus is going through beyond this chapter: working to be able to open up to someone else, so he doesn't feel alone and improve his communication with his loved ones. I am going to therapy, has been going to for a couple of years now. I pretty much based Dr. Kit and the whole therapy scene on my own experience.
Still, it gets far too overwhelming and I ended up finding other characters who I could project myself onto, and, ultimately, a place for me to vent my traumas and anxieties. Sometimes I'm too tired to even write anything at all. I'm not too sure if this is some odd type of depression, so I haven't labeled it. What I know is that I've been going through a lot of shit lately and I hope I can get myself some rest, and some good talks about what I feel.
Again, I still love Undertale with my whole heart. One day I plan on giving a sequel to this story and to my other work, Imaginary Friend; and I want to properly develop my first Undertale AU, Mirror Child - in which Chara takes the role as Lapis Lazuli from Steven Universe, so they get trapped in a mirror for many years until Papyrus befriends them.
I want to expand these universes I've crafted. I truly do. Maybe I'm not going to work on them right now but I want to keep exploring them, to keep loving Undertale as the masterpiece that it is. I may not be as dedicated to the game as I was before, but I never forgot it, and never will.
I hope you can understand, from this long, long vent, that updates will still be irregular. Inspiration isn't something you can easily acquire, and not when you become so attached to other pieces of media at the same time. I won't make real promises for now, but I want to make sure I get to finish Not a "Knife" Feeling by at least next year. You'll get an ending, maybe bittersweet, yet Papyrus will go on his long, non-linear path of recovery. Secrets will be revealed, and it's up to the characters whether there will be forgiveness or not.
Until next time, my fellow readers! I love you all!