Chapter 16: Honesty

Why…?

Why did I ever think I had a chance…?

As Saiki ran, Kaidou's thoughts echoed in his mind. They were loud and painful, the sadness palpable. Kaidou was hurt.

I should forget about him… It's over now…

Saiki watched as he disappeared under the pier. He continued on after him, leaving a trail of broken sandcastles and angry beachgoers in his wake. He paid them no mind as he slipped between the wooden beams and under the pier. Away from the punishing afternoon sun, it was much cooler here. Saiki stood and got his breath back. He could see Kaidou standing by the water's edge, leaning back against one of the pier's many columns. He tried to think about what he was going to say.

It wasn't easy. He felt his stomach flutter as the seconds ticked by.

If only… if only things could be different…

He couldn't listen to Kaidou's thoughts anymore. Slipping his ring back on, he marched on over, guilt eating away at him.

"Kaidou," he projected.

"S-Saiki? Is that you?" came the reply, his voice a little shaky. He didn't turn around.

Saiki approached cautiously. As he rounded the beam Kaidou was leaning on, he caught a glimpse of his face. His eyes were downcast, his expression glum.

"Are you alright?" Saiki tried, tearing his eyes away.

"Yeah yeah… it's nothing. I just… it was too hot over there."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Saiki had no reply. Silence quickly descended upon the pair. They stood awkwardly beside one another, looking out at the ocean. Saiki took another glance at Kaidou. He watched as a single tear rolled faintly down his cheek, his despairing red eyes now brimming with emotion.

Saiki, for the second time in his life, felt a lump in his throat.

"Kaidou… do you have something to tell me?" he asked, swallowing it and turning to face him.

Kaidou continued to look outward to the ocean, trying to keep it together.

"No," he simply said, holding back his tears.

Saiki felt a sudden surge of panic grip tightly at his chest, filling him with fear. He was about to lose something very valuable. His body knew it and so did he. Kaidou was slipping away.

Saiki moved with purpose, closing the distance between them. Kaidou remained stoic, his eyes fixed defiantly on the horizon.

"Okay then…

…

…but I have something to tell you."

Now he turned to face him. He looked a little confused. Saiki wasn't sure what exactly he was going to tell him, but it needed to be honest. He had to fix this.

"What I said just then," he started, "it… it wasn't entirely true."

Kaidou blinked back at him. "So, wait, you are gay?" he quickly asked, a flicker of hope emerging. "Not that I, uhm, you know, came out here because of that…"

"Not exactly. It's, shall we say, complicated."

"Oh… hm, I think I get what you mean?"

"Do you?"

"Well, no, but I guess you're saying you're, uhm, bi?"

Saiki sighed. If he couldn't explain to himself, how could he explain to Kaidou?

"I'm not bisexual, I don't think. And I'm not gay, nor am I straight."

Kaidou looked even more confused. "So, you… don't like anyone?"

Saiki pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. This wasn't the truth. Labels were meaningless; saying what he wasn't did nothing for either of them. To be truly honest to himself and Kaidou, he needed to tell him the one thing he was certain of.

Placing a hand on his shoulder, Saiki stared intently into his eyes.

"I don't like boys. I don't like girls. But Kaidou… I…"

"Y-Yes Saiki…?"

"…I do like you."

Kaidou's mouth fell open, his eyes widening. As he looked on, Saiki felt the fluttering in his stomach disappear. It was if a huge weight had just been lifted off his chest. The corners of his mouth twitched, curving to a form a warm smile. Never had he felt so free.

Words failing him, Kaidou just stood there, pointing to himself.

"M-Me? You… you like… me?"

Saiki nodded.

"But… why?"

"Honestly, I don't know. All I do know is that I enjoy spending time with you. I can't really say that about anyone else. And when I see that you're sad, I want to make you happy."

"Are you serious?"

"You have made me feel things I've never felt before, it's as simple as that. Sometimes I don't know what these feelings are, but I want to act on them. I was hoping that, by telling you this, I might be able to explore them with you. I never thought I'd say it but… you're special to me, Kaidou."

"Saiki… I had no idea…"

He took his hand off his shoulder and pointed at his chest. "The question is, do you like me?" He already knew the answer, of course.

Kaidou's eyes dropped to the floor, his already pink cheeks blooming.

"I do…" he whispered, clearly embarrassed. "I just… don't know what to say. This almost doesn't feel real."

"It's real."

"Truth is… I really like you. I have for a while now." He sat down, cross-legged in the sand, and looked out once more to the ocean. Scratching his neck nervously, he laughed a little. "I guess I'm just a little flustered, sorry."

"It's okay." Saiki sat down beside him.

"I don't know how you could say all that to me just then."

"Why?"

"Being so honest about a thing like that is embarrassing! At least for me, anyway."

"It felt freeing to be so honest with myself. And you, of course."

They sat in silence for a moment.

"So," Kaidou eventually said, "are we…?"

"Are we what?"

"Are we, uhm, you know… going to be boyfriends?"

Saiki took a minute to think. 'Boyfriends' was just another label, but did it fit? Did it have to?

"Hmm. I would like to spend more time with you and, well, to have more hugs with you… whether that qualifies I don't know." Turning away, it was now Saiki's turn to show his bashful side.

Seeing this, Kaidou relaxed a little. He stretched his legs out and planted his hands in the sand, splaying his fingers.

"That's okay," he said, smiling, "we can work it out."

Saiki couldn't have been happier with that. He relaxed now too, sitting in a similar manner to Kaidou.

"Is a label important to you?"

"Nah, just as long as we both know it's more than, you know, friendship…"

"I think what I want goes beyond that."

"Me too."

"Perhaps a better description, for now at least, could be, 'dating'?"

"Yes!" Kaidou practically shouted. Realising how eager he may have sounded, he dropped his voice and continued. "I mean, yes… I would really like that."

So did Saiki. It afforded him a level of ambiguity he felt safe with. There was so much he still needed to establish and understand, and it seemed Kaidou appreciated that. He did have one more thing he was a little worried about though.

"Do you mind if we keep this a secret?" he asked. "For now, anyway. You saw what they were like back there."

"Yeah, I'd like that too actually."

They smiled at each other. As they did, Saiki felt a feint touch on his wrist, followed by a slight warmth. He looked down to find Kaidou's finger lying gently on top of it. They looked at each other once more. Saiki sat up, bringing his hand back. Without a word and without a thought, he took Kaidou's fingers between his own and lay them on the sand. He held onto them awkwardly, lightly caressing them between his thumb and forefinger. Kaidou squeaked, evidently surprised, but didn't resist. A minute or so later, he brought his hand back and placed it atop Saiki's forearm. He tapped at it, signalling for something.

"Can I?" he asked.

Saiki wasn't sure what he meant, but he nodded and let him take hold of his arm anyway. Kaidou then shuffled closer and placed it around his shoulders, before softly laying his head on the top of his chest. He snuggled up into the crook of his neck and let out a contented a sigh.

Saiki's heart almost melted as Kaidou's hair tickled at his cheek. This was what he wanted.

"You know, I bet Nendou and the rest of them all wonder where we went," Kaidou chuckled.

"Let them wonder," came Saiki's reply. He gripped Kaidou's shoulder gently and pulled him closer. This was only a taste of what was to come, and yet he already knew he wanted more. This, he knew, was the start of something wonderful. Now they had opened up to each other, he would finally be able to learn more about and better understand his feelings, as well as, at the same time, experience things he never thought possible. His future looked bright. Their future looked bright.

No more words were needed as they sat quietly, smiling, waves lapping gently at their feet.