Chapter 18: Where Do We Go from Here?

Araeyah got to work on her assignment as soon as Olivia left the apartment. She only had a couple of hours to get it done and be at the hospital to start her shift. She tried to find an abnormality that she thought the other students wouldn't pick. She didn't want to do anything obvious like spina bifida but she couldn't find much research on other defects repaired before birth. She settled on heart defects and hoped no one else chose it and if they did she hoped she got to present first so she didn't have to find something else. She did her research, made her notecards then went to the kitchen to put something together for dinner. Lucy walked into the apartment with the boys just before six and took over for Rae in the kitchen. They were upset that she couldn't stay for dinner and so was she but she had to get to the hospital. She said her goodbyes and headed out the door. It was a busy night for both her and Olivia. One of the high risk moms went into labor and she assisted with the delivery. Another woman came into the ER already crowning and she went down with her resident to assist with that delivery and she, along with one of the other students, also assisted with an emergency C-section. Meanwhile, Olivia and her squad had her hands full with a missing teenager. She wouldn't be able to make it home so it was just Lucy and the boys for the night. After dinner she helped Calvin with his homework, then they watched a movie before bath time and bed.

When Rae got home that morning, Lucy had her hands full trying to get a fussy Noah to eat his breakfast. She picked him up and sat down in his chair, sitting him on her lap. She put the plate of toast and eggs she'd made for herself from what was left of the food Lucy cooked next to his and they ate together. Once he finished, she let him down to go with Lucy to put his sweater on then checked Calvin's homework folder before putting it in his backpack. When Lucy brought Noah back to the living room to get his coat and hat on Rae told her she could drive the boys to school and daycare. She thanked her for staying all night with them and handed her a check. It was one hundred and fifty dollars more than normal but Rae said it wasn't a mistake. Lucy tried to argue but Rae insisted. She deserved it for all the extra time she was putting in with the boys. She thanked her and headed out. Rae finished bundling Noah up and made Calvin check one more time that he had everything he needed for the day before they headed out the door. Rae dropped Calvin off first so he wouldn't be late to homeroom then circled back and dropped Noah at daycare before heading home. She stripped out her clothes and headed to the bathroom for a nice, warm shower before crashing in bed.

Her alarm went off at twelve thirty. Even though she was still extremely tired, she forced herself to get up. She made herself some lunch and ate in the living room while watching tv. When she finished, she took her plate to the kitchen then got dressed and headed out to meet Olivia at Dr. Jeffries' office for their session. When she walked into the suite, Olivia was already there in the waiting room. She took a seat next to her and they waited for Dr. Jeffries to call them in. After about ten minutes, Alice called them into her office. They exchanged pleasantries as they settled in for the session.

"So" Alice said as she opened her notepad and clicked her pen, "did you get a chance to do your homework for this week?" They nodded. "And how did that go?"

"Good" Olivia said simply.

"Yeah, really good" Rae agreed. "Better than I expected" she admitted.

"How so?"

"Well, I actually listened while she talked" she said eliciting laughter from herself and her companions. "And I didn't interrupt" she added proudly. "I feel like I finally have an understanding of their relationship and her reaction to him leaving and all it took was one conversation. I just…. I can't believe we put it off for so long".

"It went a lot better than I expected too" Olivia agreed. "I think because we both thought it would turn into a big fight". Rae nodded as she spoke conveying her concurrence. "But it didn't. I talked and she listened. At the end of it, I felt like we had a real understanding of each other".

"I think we've done that a lot" Rae said chiming in again. "We've put off talking about things, sometimes to the point of not talking at all, because we're worried about the conflict or potentially hurting each other's feelings. I mean, in one conversation we talked about Elliot and their relationship together and our relationship after he left and why she doesn't talk to me about her work and other… traumatic things that have happened. And at the end of it, we were able to agree that moving forward we wouldn't try to protect each other from the bad things that happen. I hope that moving forward we really stick to that; that we can confront things right away and trust each other, that we can handle it and not fall apart".

"Good" Alice said pleased with their progress, "very good. Avoidance can be a huge hindrance to proper communication. I'm glad you've brought that up" she said gesturing to Rae, "and I hope, Olivia, that you agree that it's something to move away from in the future".

"Definitely" Olivia said confidently.

"Great" Alice said making notes on her pad. She turned back to the lists they'd made and figured the next point to go over. "So, it looks like you talked about Elliot and him leaving already so we can move past that" she said crossing it off the list. "So the next thing on your lists seems to be Amanda". Araeyah nodded and chuckled and Olivia shifted uncomfortably on the couch. "So, why don't we start with how you met".

"They work together" Rae said simply. "She was one of two detectives who was hired after Elliot left" she expanded.

"And she liked her right away" Olivia said condescendingly.

"Well, she was much more interested in me than you were during that time" she remarked back with the same condescension in her tone. Olivia scoffed. "Amanda was nice and she talked to me and it was…. refreshing for someone to show interest in me" she said explaining the start of their friendship to Alice. "Olivia was still…. distracted by Elliot's departure and she wasn't paying a lot of attention to me. So… yeah" she said with a shrug. "It was nice to have a conversation with someone who was interested in me and what I had going on and who didn't constantly fume about someone who wasn't there anymore".

"I thought we worked this out?" Olivia asked, not liking her accusatory tone. Araeyah laughed.

"I'm just explaining how Amanda and I became friends" she said placating her.

"So, the relationship was strictly platonic?" Alice asked curiously. Rae cleared her throat.

"I'm flirtatious by nature" she admitted. "So I did flirt with her the first time we met and maybe that gave her the wrong her impression. She was interested in me and I…. I guess I was interested in her too" she said being completely honest. "But I was in love with Olivia and I had no interest in cheating on her. I apologized for the flirting and I assured her that she had nothing to worry. I was always honest" she said firmly. "Right?" she asked looking to Olivia for confirmation.

"Right" she said unconvincingly.

"What?"

"You were honest but… I- I… she asked if your relationship was strictly platonic and you didn't answer her" she pointed out.

"I… I answered her" she said defensively. "I did, right?" she asked now looking to Dr. Jeffries for confirmation.

"Well, you admitted flirting but not cheating" she said with a shrug. "Does that mean it was strictly platonic or was there something more you were getting from her?" she asked challenging her. She and Olivia both waited for an answer.

"I admitted that… there was a mutual attraction" she said not understanding the third degree. "But we were just friends". Olivia shifted again and Alice noticed some discomfort in her posture.

"Olivia, do you have a problem with that statement?" she asked wanting to know the reason behind her discomfort.

"I put Amanda on my list as well as us moving into our first apartment together and our…. sexual incompatibility". Alice looked at her list and noted the three points she mentioned. "They all happened around the same time. And I thought it had something to do with her meeting Amanda".

"Ok" Rae said with a nervous laugh, "first of all, us moving in together had nothing to do with Amanda. We… we decided that before we met her. Secondly, we were never sexually incompatible" she said very confidently. "And third our sexual…." She paused trying to think of the right word, "problems had nothing to do with Amanda either. That was about us".

"When you mention sexual incompatibility or sexual problems, what exactly are you referring to?" Alice asked, looking for some clarity. Araeyah looked off into space, leaving Olivia to answer her question.

"We went through a period where we weren't having sex" she explained. "I wasn't able to please her anymore an…"

"Ok, see when you say it like that" Rae said interrupting her, "it makes it seem like I wasn't attracted to you or interested in you anymore and that's not true" she said defensively.

"Rae" Alice said, "no interrupting" she reminded her.

"I…" Alice gave her a knowing look. "Ok. Sorry".

"Olivia, go on".

"I was just saying that it started after she met Amanda, that's all".

"It wasn't about Amanda" Rae said firmly. "There were other times that we had sex, after I met Amanda, without any problems. So it really wasn't about her".

"What do you think it was about?" Alice asked wanting to get to the bottom of their bout of sexual intimacy issues.

"I don't know" she shrugged. "We just… I guess we weren't connecting as much and I think maybe I was trying too hard and I couldn't relax enough to… get there".

"So it was about Amanda?" Olivia asked.

"It wasn't about Amanda" Rae repeated, now annoyed. "We were having problems connecting before Amanda and they just got worse because of you" she said bluntly. "And your insecurities" she added. "If it hadn't been Amanda that you took issue with, it would've been something else. It wasn't about her. It was about us".

"It just sounds like you're trying to make excuses" Olivia said shaking her head.

"Why would I need to make excuses?"

"So you don't have to change your relationship with her". If she acknowledged that Amanda was to blame for their intimacy issues, then she'd have to concede that maybe their relationship was more than friendly and Olivia would have a valid reason to distrust them spending so much time together. "I mean, she did kiss you".

"She tried to kiss me" she corrected, "and I stopped her. Nothing ever happened between me and Amanda while we were together".

"I just think it's easier for you to blame me than to admit that there was something between you two" she said voicing her thoughts aloud.

"Maybe I do blame you" Rae said forcefully. She sighed heavily and shook her head. "You wanna know what I think?" she asked rhetorically. "I think we had problems because you were different. You were constantly doubting me and accusing me and you felt different to me. I couldn't connect with you" she admitted. It was the first time she was admitting this but they had just agreed not to avoid talking about things. "It wasn't Amanda. It was you…." she started tearing up. "It was you projecting all of your shit onto me" she said forcefully, "because you were already carrying on with David Haden behind my back. You were dating him and then fucked him" she said angrily. "And if you could make it out like something was going on between me and Amanda too…. then you wouldn't have to feel so bad about what you were doing. It wasn't Amanda. You just weren't you anymore". A tear escaped from Olivia's eye. She quickly wiped it away. Her affair had reared its ugly head again. She knew they would have to talk about it again at some point. She just wasn't prepared for it to be today. She wasn't sure what she would ever be able to say to Araeyah to make her understand how sorry she was about the affair and how much she regretted it. What if there was nothing she could say or do? What if rehashing all of this only drove them apart again? She wasn't sure where they would go from here.

Alice had listened to their exchange, watched their body language and made the occasional note on her notepad. They were wading into very emotional territory. A lot of unresolved feelings were coming to the surface. She didn't want to end the session on that note but they were out of time.

"Okay" she said softly. "You've both been utterly honest today" she said keeping a pacifying tone. "I want you to keep that energy with one another going forward. At the beginning of the session, you both agreed not to avoid talking about the hard things to protect each other's feelings. I want you to remember that agreement. Your assignment for next week is to keep this conversation going. As much as you can, keep this conversation going. Work through as much as you can until I see you both again next week". They scheduled their next appointment and then left her office. They had an awkward goodbye before they went their separate ways. Olivia went back to work and Rae went back home. She had some time before she'd have to pick up the boys. She decided to use the time to get some more sleep. Olivia was distracted at work and everyone could tell. She kept saying she was fine but she wasn't. She was worried. She kept asking herself, where do we go from here?