I immediately opened the door wider, embracing Michael. He responded by hugging me tightly.
"Hey kid. Glad to see you're okay." His voice sounded like it was going to break as I let go, allowing him to walk in. I closed the door behind him. Trevor now stood from the futon, his facial features still soft.
"What the fuck took so long for you to open the door? Your maid has been waiting outside for a while sulking about something."
"Well, I was a little busy." Trevor quietly stated. "What do you want?" Michael looked at me first and then him before speaking again.
"I came to talk to you about the big one." Trevor's eyes lit up.
"The big one?"
"The big one." Trevor looked around.
"Well we need the kid and we need the nerd." Trevor had a huge grin on his face.
"Well…"
The door opened again; Franklin and Ron walked in followed by the man with the cane, Lester. I watched Ron walk across the room a little awkwardly. He stood on the other side of the counter. As our eyes locked, I could feel my face grow hot, quickly turning away. Michael motioned Lester to the futon, who sat down with a quiet groan. Trevor came to stand next to me.
"Stay away from that one." Trevor whispered to me. "We call him Lester the Molester for a reason." I cringed at the nickname, it didn't sound pleasant to say the least.
Trevor's hand grasped mine, as we waiting for Lester to speak. Franklin took a seat on the counter, as Michael joined Lester. Lester's eyes roamed around the room, lazily looking over each of us before his voice reached our ears.
"Will Lily be joining us?" Lester sounded sarcastic, a hint of rudeness underlining his voice.
"Depends, you gonna be sassy the whole time?" Lester gave me a defeated look before stating,
"It would be best if you did. We need someone with your expertees." I shook my head. Everyone had a strange look on their face as Michael stated,
"Why not?" Trevor had even taken a step away in order to look at me clearly. Franklin's face remained unchanged.
"This might not come as a shock to some of you, but… I've got a lot of eyes on me. A lot more than I thought. If I get involved, I'll lose the opportunities that are legal and ahead of me. It also would greatly affect your work. You wouldn't be able to do anything." When their facial expressions remained unchanged, I looked towards Lester. I began to question him,
"You don't…?" His face had a strange mixture of shock and confusion, I stated,
"You don't know." My mind began to race. It seemed like this was only verbal information and those men were smarter than everyone thought, also full of many surprises. I waved my hand,
"It doesn't matter; keep it to yourself. If I get involved, you wouldn't be able to move an inch with the FIB knowing. Those higher-ups know what's up, and what Steve knows is nowhere near what they know. So it'll be best if you don't associate with me for a while in relation to the crime you guys are about to commit. They already know something is up, so it's best if you don't give them the opportunity to intercept you by speaking with me. But I do ask that you guys go in as carefully as possible as I've been asked to ensure that no innocent lives are lost. So you guys need to promise me you guys aren't going to be shooting up any corner stores or banks or fuckin' anything like that." In my failed attempt to remain calm, my leg had begun to shake violent from anxiety. Would they be listening in on this conversation? How would they be monitoring it? Hopefully they don't tell me enough for them to get in trouble. Conspiracy might be worse than the actual answer.
"The… the big one is a bank." Michael stated slowly, but immediately raised his hands up in defense, "But it'll be too dangerous for us to shoot that one up. I can promise that I won't do anything stupid, but I can't speak for the other two." I looked towards Franklin and Trevor.
"Yo, I promise. It be best if we didn't fuckin' make a big show. Less chance of getting away with this shit." Franklin said confidently. Trevor remained silent, staring at me.
"Trev?" I questioned. His facial features will indescribable. I wasn't sure what he was thinking or what he wanted. He probably wanted to let loose or wreck some type of havoc, but I needed to ensure that innocent people weren't going to die just because he wanted to let out some steam. He remained silent, finally turning away from me. I continued.
"We'll talk about it later, but anyways, this particular conversation should end now. I don't want you guys having to stop your plans just because I'm in the same room."
"For somebody who's on the good side of the law, you sure are letting them do something super illegal." Ron's sarcastic voice met my ears, as I turned my head slowly towards him, replying,
"I know which bank their going to hit, it's not that hard to narrow it down. Also that particular bank is supplying to illegal activities of their own. They are backing certain companies so that those companies can't fail if they outsource their workers, which is why Weston is such a huge fan of keeping his money there. He is somebody who is constantly investing in something new but also things that he knows won't fail because with just his investment alone he can tip the odds in his favor. He doesn't have to know whether or not the stocks are going to go up, he just has to know that the investment he is going to make, is going to expansion of a particular company or product that he knows will succeed. He's not stupid in terms of his investments. But he is stupid in that he is one of the many people who are using that bank for conducting such illegal activity. He's backing merryweather, who are conducting their own projects on US soil, and they are also storing some of their money in that bank because of the certain rates and the safety of the transfers. You also have to remember that the bank are probably backing important mob members within the community so that they can get more business. I don't care whether or not Trev and the others take money for them because most of that money is dirty and who knows how many people have already been hurt because they want to have their business to have stature within Los Santos." Ron sat quietly in the corner, deep in thought, as I turned back around. The other four men, remained in place, looking around the room.
"Well then… we'll have to make another place our site of operation." Lester sighed, standing up carefully, Michael hurriedly in tow to help. Franklin and Trevor remained quiet as the two left the trailer, hastily turning to me, Franklin speaking first,
"Okay so what the fuck happened?" Raising a brow, I asked,
"What are you talking about?"
"Usually you two dumb fucks are arguing with each other to no fuckin' end. Acting like god damn children and just over all being fuckin' annoying. But here you both are, completely civil." Ron cleared his throat and spoke,
"I thought about what you said. We sat down, had a chat and cleared up our differences."
"Sitting down and having a chat is a metaphor for what actually happened, but sure, let's go with the short version." I stated sternly.
"You both are fucking lying." Trevor said quietly. He stared down the both of us as we shared an uncomfortable glance.
"Something, fucking happened and the two of you are going to tell us." Trevor began to raise his voice.
"We told you what happened. We talked. We cleared things up." Ron put his hands up in defense.
"That's pretty much it, I mean sure there was other stuff but that was the gist of it." I said in a defensive and unsure tone.
"Bullshit. Something fucking happened. Spit it out or Imm-"
"Listen just fuckin' tell us. You guys acting calm around each other is… weird. Good, but weird." Franklin pointed out. Trevor nodded.
"Yeah, it's fucking weird. Give us the goddamn details." Ron and I shared another glance, until I cleared my throat,
"Well… a lot of stuff has happened… ummm. We aren't sure if we should tell you everything but we aren't sure how you would react and… we were worried about whether or not that telling you would put you in danger, so we wanted to keep you safe. We did talk, we also had a small competition, and I won… I mean it doesn't matter who won or what the fuck happened after that… that's not what I mean to say… I'm fuckin' this up." My face was beat red in my endevour to even construct a full sentence. My embarrassment grew as I heard Michael, who had at some point reentered the trailer, chuckle. I took a shaky breath,
"I EXPLAINED THE THING." I shouted. Franklin busted out laughing as Trevor, who seemed to be containing his laughter yelled,
"You didn't explain shit!" I briskly turned to Ron,
"WHY YOU NO HELP?" Ron taken aback, thought for a few moments because shouting a reply,
"I explained! You're the one who is supposed to be more detail oriented!" I felt as if I would melt into a puddle of embarrassment as Michael doubled over.
"FINE WILL EXPLAIN… ATTEMPT NUMBER TWO." Trevor at this point was covering his mouth as if he wasn't finding this interaction hilarious. I took another breath,
"STEVE COME THREATEN. GOT GUN, SHOT AT HIM TO MAKE HIM LEAVE. HE LEAVE, I GO TO WORK, I TALK TO HEAD HONCHOS. STEVE GET IN TROUBLE, STEVE NOW PROBS IN JAIL. CAME HOME. ARGUED WITH RON. HAD COOKING COMPETITION. RON CHEAT, I SABOTAGE AS REVENGE. I WIN. WE TALK ABOUT PROBLEMS. THE END." At this point, my fists were clenched, face bright red. I couldn't bring up what happened with Ron, and I certainly didn't want to. I hadn't even had enough time to think about what happened. The day that Ron didn't show up, I was thinking about Trevor and sorting my feelings out for him. I was so deep in thought, that I hadn't realized that the laughing stopped.
"Haines threatened you?" Michael's voice sounded threatening. I stood up straightened and looked at Ron who had an alarmed look on his face.
"Did… Haines fucking threaten you?" Trevor's voice shook in anger as he glared at me.
"And Ron, bu-"
"I dealt with it, so it's fine!" Ron interrupted. Trevor promptly looked at Ron, taking large steps towards him. He stood directly in front of him, towering over.
"Why didn't you fucking tell me?" He turned over to me, pointing a finger in my face,
"What the fuck did he do? What the fuck did he say?" He looked between the two of us. "Did he touch you, Lily?" Franklin instantly got up, hands up in defense
"Listen man, calm down. Yelling ain't gonna get us anywhere. If he's in jail, then there really isn't anything else we can do to that mother fucker. ."
"Yeah there is, we can fucking break in and skin the fucker." Michael spat. Franklin put his hands down, and sighed loudly,
"You are not helping dog. We gotta be layin' low. Not being over fucking dramatic."
"Over dramatic? I'll show you OVER FUCKING DRAMATIC! Tell me what the fuck happened! NOW!" Trevor's booming voice shook me. I could feel my anxiety soar, panic rush through me as my breathing became heavy.
"U-u-u-ummmmm…" I held my hands in front of me as Michael approached my side.
"One of you needs to tell us what the hell happened. If that fucker thinks that he can go and do whatever the hell he wants, he's got another thing coming." Ron was standing at this point,
"I already said that I dealt with him. He probably can't do anything now!" Trevor turned back to Ron.
"What the fuck did you do? And who said it would be fucking good enough? Knowing you, you probably fucked that up anyways." Suddenly everyone was talking or yelling. Franklin was struggling to mediate the group, but Michael and Trevor were both too angry to focus. Ron seemed to be explaining what he did, but with everyone else's yelling, it was impossible to tell what he was saying. My mind was racing for a solution as the voices grew louder, molding into verbal nonsense. Looking at Trevor's hip, a pistol was tucked into his sweatpants. I reached out, grasped it, and aimed it towards the ceiling. Firing off a single shot, silenced the entire room. A small amount of light began to shine through the hole as dust and dirt fell into the trailer. All attention was on me as I gently lowered and aimed the gun towards the floor. The echo from the shot against the trailer walls and the ringing in my ears made it difficult to know as to whether or not they were still speaking. I gently handed the gun back to Trevor and fell back into the futon. Compared to when I fired that shot at Steven in the trailer, it seemed like there was more metal on and in the ceiling/roof than the actually floor. It was probably somewhat from the tile. It also didn't help that we were standing fairly close to one another and now we were all suffering. Looking back up at the others, Franklin and Ron had covered their ears, Michael was rubbing his temples and Trevor was carefully tucking the pistol back in place.
After a few moments, Michael knocked on the counter.
"Oh, I can hear again. Thought I was going to be deaf for the rest of my goddamn life." He stated sarcastic.
"It would be an improvement to the rest of ya." Trevor shot back.
"Why the hell you fire the gun?" Franklin questioned.
"We weren't getting anywhere with the current situation, so I thought a hard reset would be best." I said plainly, staring at the trashcan. I stood up slowly and continued,
"Ron has dealt with the threats by setting Haine's house on fire and planting some not so great things in his house to be found. With that being said, he did sexually assault me while I was at wor-"
"But that has also been dealt with!" Ron interjected. Trevor's fists were clenched tightly, popping one of his fingers. Michael and Franklin were standing at full attention as I looked at Ron with curiosity. Michael put a hand up to Trevor, as if to stop him from speaking as he asked,
"How did you deal with it?" Ron's eyes shifted, seemingly looking at everyone. I didn't even know that Ron had dealt with that too.
"I-I-I knew that the police would just let him go d-d-du-due to his position with the FIB. S-s-so I had to think of something pronto in order to fuck him over a little bit." He paused. I put my hand up to stop Trevor from yelling at him as I spoke next,
"What did you do Ron?" I tried to remain calm so that Trevor could follow suit. His focus was on me, his eyes and face almost seemed like they were ashamed.
"You brought home a work laptop. It had all of Haine's private information. It also tracks all of his movements…" My eyes grew wider as he continued. "So I simply borrowed the laptop and did some… stuff." As he was finishing the sentence, I reached under the futon, pulling out a black metallic case. Opening it, I swiftly found that it had a contrasting placement, as if hastily placed back before one could notice. I opened it, and as the screen lit up, it became very clear what he had done. He wrecked a different type of havoc. I started to run through files, emails, any type of archive I could find to determine the damage that had been done. From bank accounts to all personal information, everything had been touched. My heart dropped as I saw emails upon emails of ranging levels of panic. I calmly closed the computer, Standing up, I questioned,
"Did it ever occur to you that they could trace back to the computer that you used?" Ron's face turned bright red as I glared at him.
"Do you even realize what you've done?! I mean other transfer all of his funds into his associates accounts and then into random people's accounts who have nothing to do with the company? Or that you've sent different field agents to very odd places that don't make sense to go on missions that are questionable, such as; getting a taco with every single topping, getting a burger that contains fries and onions because why not both, a milkshake that ethically has too many sprinkles, a viking funeral for all and any pigeons that are killed in the line of duty, an inexpensive steak that has been stuffed with pork and chicken and then baked like some kind of fucking monstrosity, an ice cream with sixteen different flavors and they can't be generic flavors like strawberry or chocolate but vanilla is fine because it's white and he's white, every single type of pig plushie that they can find so that when someone fucks up they can carry around Sergeant Fuck-up, take in every stray animal, you can only buy one type of ketchup because that's your favorite brand and all other brands suck, all guns are now called pew-pews, all desks are called IKEA shit, any gangsters are to be given a proper meal while mob members are to be taken to fast food because we've been putting members of the mob on a pedestal and not the real OGs, placing filled water balloons in every hallway so that they can train because every day is a challenge as well as prank other members of staff in order to hone their stealth skills, downloading video games onto their computers so that can learn how to be real team players through MMOs, to put themselves in timeout when they fuck up by sitting in a corner with a piece of paper and must write 'I will not be stupid in the field' 100 times, all new passwords must be changed to 1234Icantspellworthshit1234, for every time you go through a metal detector so that you may draw attention to yourself but not your fellow agents, you must yell at the top of your lungs 'praise the cheeseburger, as he is king of all'? Or spent an insane amount of money on a bouncy castle that everyone must 'now enter so that they can have a fun day at work?' Or the fucking fact that you've spread all of his personal information on the internet, including selling some of it on the dark web to make a quick buck? So please, let me know, what the fuck did you think you were doing?! Cause like holy shit, did you throw these people in a loop! Do you know what their replies fucking consist of? Shit like, is the taco for me to try or for you to obtain? Does the type of burger place matter because some places have shitty fries and some places have shitty onion rings? Define ethically too many sprinkles. Should we order the wood for the funerals from local places? How long should the steak-pork-chicken bake and at what temperature? Do you want a bowl for the ice cream or a legit cone, because of the amount of expressed concern for the cone was fucking staggering. Does the size of the plushie matter or can it be small? How long do they have to carry Sergeant Fuck-up and what should they do if they get too attached? What if Sergeant Fuck-up is taken hostage? Where shall we put the stray animals? People are allergic to that brand and if they bring a doctor's note, can they use a different type of ketchup? If all guns are now pew-pews, what are bullets? My IKEA shit broke, where do I buy a new one, and does it have to be from IKEA? We put the IKEA shit together wrong, can we buy another one? Define a proper meal. Can the water balloons vary in sizes and colors? Do we have to put duct tape on all of the outlets for this water balloon exercise? Are the pranks allowed to be deadly? I just downloaded an MMO but no one else likes that one and plays a different one; do I have to play theirs or can I play this one? How long is timeout? When in timeout, do we have to write in cursive or in print? Do we have to vote for who is the sacrifice to praise the cheeseburger god? How long do we have to stay in the bouncy castle? Like holy shit, do you realize how much you broke these people? They're already really fucking dumb, so you didn't just fuck up one dude, you fucked up an entire village. Like fuck." I took a deep breath.
"Lemme see the emails." Michael suddenly demanded. I turned towards him, and reopened the laptop. As he scanned through them, he couldn't hold back his laughter as he read one of them aloud,
"In response to, make a book club with only people that you like, what if I don't like anyone? In response to, please ensure that there is a break room full of cats on every floor, which rooms should we use for that and can we also have TVs and couches? Where do we get the cats from? In response to, please cook all of your meals in a microwave, what if we don't own one? What if our roommate has used fish for the microwave and it's now stained and cursed with the smell of fish?" Michael began to laugh too hard to speak, clutching his sides in pain.
"My favorite so far is; in response to everything being a soup, salad or sandwich, what category are sunflower seeds in? What about tator tots?" I laughed. I took hold of the computer again,
"Welp, it was fun while it lasted." I turned to Trevor, handing it to him gently, "Break this in half or something." Trevor looked at me curiously.
"We can make it look like you threw a tantrum and broke this, just so they don't think you're the one who sent the emails. There are only three of us who know the accounts and if this computer is broken, then it couldn't have been me. Sure they could go through the IP and trace it that way, but then they'll just blame one of the many people who greatly dislike you to frame you. Don't worry, I'll cover for you." Trevor shrugged as he grasped the laptop and smashed it on the corner of the counter.
"Imma need you to demolish this fucking thing, because we need it to be unsalvagable." Trevor nodded as he started to break every little piece. I looked towards Ron.
"I'm not sure if you'll be blamed for anything of this in the end." Ron stammered out. His hands were nervously at his chest.
"Yeah, you should probably apologize for that." I stated sourly.
"I did."
"How?" I curled a brow. Ron's eyes darted to the side, and another connection was made.
"That was the apology?!" I shouted. "What?!"
"What apology? How did he apologize?" Franklin questioned. Trevor was now making a pyramid out of debris but he was quietly focused on us.
"I apologized and that's all that matters." Ron answered.
"Yeah, you apologized in advance but also fucking said 'enjoy the mess.' You fuckin' bastard." I pouted.
"How'd he apologize?" Trevor reiterated the question.
"I apologized."
"He apologized."
"Yeah, but how?" Michael repeated.
"Normal apology." Ron attempted to persuade them.
"Totally normal. 100%, no lie there." I said confidently.
"You're both fuckin' lying and we know it. What happened?" Trevor began to raise his voice.
"T, c-c-can I t-ta-talk to y-y-you o-o-outside?" Ron stuttered. Trevor pushed himself away from the counter and started to head outside, Ron rushing behind like a puppy. As they exited, Franklin and Michael both shot me a glance.
"So… how did he apologize?" Michael asked again.
"In the worst way possible." I stated, a chill ran down my side thinking about how Trevor was going to react if Ron did tell him the truth.
"Oh?" Franklin's tone demanded more information.
"You don't want to know." I persuaded.
"Oh, I think we want to." Michael mimicked my tone.
"Well, let's see how Trevor reacts, and then we'll go from there." I gestured towards the front door. "What happens next, man I don't really want to think about,"
"Get the FUCK AWAY FROM ME! YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT, I FUCKING HATE YOU AND YOUR FUCKING FACE! DON'T FUCKING COME HERE AGAIN!" The three of us looked around at each other as Trevor slammed the front door open.
"You two, get the fuck out." Michael placed himself in front of me.
"What are you going to do to Lily?" Michael's defensive tone only seemingly made Trevor angrier.
"It has nothing to fucking do with you so get the fuck out." He pointed to the door as Franklin spoke up,
"Man, I know you angry at somethin'. We don't know what dog, but you need to chill. Just tell us what happened."
"I want to ask Lily first. I know Ron wouldn't lie to me, but I need to fucking know what the fuck is going on." He hissed in reply. "Nothing is going to happen, so just wait outside." Michael reached back and squeezed my hand before complying. I nervously stood up, as the front door closed, leaving Trevor and I alone.
"Tell me how he apologized." His voice low, sending chills down my spine.
"I didn't know it was an apology…"
"Just tell me what happened." Trevor sounded as if he might break. I cleared my throat in an attempt to prepare myself.
"We had the cooking competition and afterwards we argued with each other because he cheated first and then I got back at him. He then said that he may have lost the cooking competition but he would win the day. I had no fucking clue what he was talking about and that's when h-"
"You can stop talking now. I know what happened." Trevor sat down on the futon, holding his head in his hands. I remained standing, unsure what to say or do. I crossed my arms across my chest anxiously awaiting something.
"Did you like it?"
"No." I responded with no hesitation. "I didn't appreciate it in the slightest considering what was happening with you and me. He knows what's going on and yet he still acted in a really weird way. I sometimes have no idea what's going on in his head. But, no, I didn't like it." A hint of irritation was in my voice. Something clicked in my mind, and as I turned to Trevor, I saw that he was looking at me. I threw my arms over the counter, relaxing only the top half of my body.
"I prefer you over anyone else when it comes to stuff like that. It feels like everything is melting whenever you do anything, so it can be really hard to think when I'm around you." I turned away. I guess I was pretty upset with Ron over the whole thing, but I didn't hate him for it. I just wish he would have considered my feelings before acting.
"Ugh, there is too much fucking drama throughout the day." I sighed loudly. I a large hand on my back. Turning my head towards Trevor, he applied pressure to my lower back to make me stand up straight. His other hand brought me closer to him, hugging me tightly. I responded in kind. He's reacting better than I thought he would towards me. I had imagined him screaming at me or something, but this, this is something I didn't even think he would do. This is nice.
He pulled away first,
"Can't hug for too long, might want to do stuff to ya. And we still technically have guests." I laughed.
"Ye-yeah." He truly was unpredictable. He leaned down, a large hand cupped my face as he brought me into a gentle kiss. My heart fluttered as he pulled away. Trevor pulled me into another hug before letting go and heading towards the door.
"You assholes can come back in." Michael and Franklin entered with distaste written on their faces.
"Anybody going to tell us what the fuck happened?" Michael asked.
"Maybe later." Trevor stated plainly.
"Well, we best be headin' out then. We got shit to do." Franklin said in a bored and irritated tone. I nodded while Michael walked out and pulled me into a hug.
"Be good kid." I wrapped my arms around him.
"I will be. You gotta blame the other two when I'm not." Michael chuckled as he let go and began to walk away.
"See ya Lil'."
"Bye Franklin." Trevor started to pout.
"Bye you fuckers."
"See ya asshole." Michael yelled out the door.
"Yeah, see ya homie." Franklin waved, gently closing the door behind him. I walked over to the futon, plopping down and leaning back. Everything seemed to ache from all of the tension. I closed my eyes. Well, at least today is over.
"Hey." My eyes shot open, Trevor was hovering over me. "We need to talk."
"Sure." I sat up as he moved to my side. Turning his body towards me and taking my hands in his, I could feel blood rush to my face.
"I wanted to talk about us." He started.
"Okay."
"I-I… I thought we were over. I may have done a lot of destructive stuff and other things that I very seriously regret, but… I overreacted and just wanted to hurt myself. I-" I grabbed hold of one of his hands.
"You don't need to tell me. I can already guess all the shit that you did, but it's true. We were technically over and I was furious. I didn't feel guilty about Ron kissing me, just upset that it happened. Kind of like if you tell me what you did. We weren't together technically, so in my mind, whatever you did, you should keep to yourself. I don't want to know and I think it'll only hurt more to hear it." I interjected. Honestly do not want to hear what he did. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to remain calm. Trevor nodded slowly in understanding. Our fingers were intertwined as I spoke again,
"It might be awhile before you talk to Ron again, but I want you to think long and hard about what you want to say. He's very dependent on you so you should be careful in what you say. Please don't hurt him. I know you want to, but if you're allowed to go off, do whatever you want and it not count; then so was I, and so was Ron." Trevor nodded again, hopefully soaking in my words. I didn't want Ron to get hurt; yeah, in the end, it wasn't cool. But at the same time, if the same standards work with Trevor, then they should work with me. I could hear the pitter-patter of rain begin to hit the roof. I watched as a trickle of water began to flow into the trailer as the rain fell harder. As I let go of his hand and moved to grab a bucket, Trevor swiftly took my hand back.
"You can leave it."
"It's going to ruin the floor. When it rains it, it rains hard; so we might as well put a small bucket at least." He begrudgingly let me go as I headed to the bathroom. Upon returning and placing the bucket down, he still sat quietly on the futon. I joined his side, grabbing hold of his hand again. He squeezed my hand tightly.
We sat in a comfortable silence as thunder began to pass over us. The claps grew louder as I leaned into him, closing my eyes as I became more relaxed. A small question popped into my mind, bothering me to the point where I broke the silence.
"How are you?" He twitched.
"What do you mean?" A hint of exhaustion could be heard.
"I mean over all. I just want to check on you." I squeezed his hand, unsure about how he would react to the question.
"Oh… I'm okay. I've got a lot on my mind. Just anticipating this big… thing we're doin'." Keeping my eyes closed,
"Well… let me know if you want me to lend you an ear or anything. Not literally but… I'm here for you." There was a slight pause before he spoke again,
"Would you listen?"
"Yes."
"Right now?" I opened my eyes and sat up. Shifting my body towards him to give my full attention, I replied,
"Yes." Trevor took a deep breath, shifting his body, and taking my hands into his.
"I don't know where to start but I guess…" Another pause. He suddenly looked ashamed.
"I've been lost for so long that it's difficult to keep my head on straight most days. I feel like the chaos in my life is no longer from my own doing, rather it should be me wreaking havoc and shit cause at least then I'm in control of that. I was abandoned at a very young age and I haven't been able to remain calm for long periods of time. I just feel a continuous bubbling anger inside of me that just wants to take it out on the world because I can. Never really got along with my family so I never had people to turn to. My mother was a troubled woman who was everything under the sun and my father was a piece of garbage who ditched me at a shopping mall as a kid. I never got along with my brother but that doesn't matter anymore. Six feet under and that's all that matters. Friends were also a passing glance. Everyone would run away from me because I couldn't and can't control my anger or any fucking emotion. Michael was the only one who I thought actually fucking understood me and would stand by me. He went soft down the line and I was going to cut him out, but he got there first. I've always been betrayed, left behind or ditched because of my emotions, m-my actions… I-I-I th-think it's just m-me. I continuously push people away," tears began to trickle down his face, falling down to the futon and his pants. "All of my actions have just been wrong. I can't seem to do anything right. I can't control myself for five fucking minutes to not fuck anything up. Ruining the trailer that you and Ron have to keep cleaning, I crashed the bodhi the other day and Ron had to go fix it, I broke all of the dishes and you had nothing to use to cook, I've hurt you and Ron more than I'd like to count, I fucking forced Michael into a wall and that's why he betrayed me. It's all my fucking fault! I'm just a huge fucking mess that doesn't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I wing it and I drag everyone down with me." Trevor removed his hands and covered his face. "I can't seem to get anything together to be one fucking coherent individual. I don't fucking care about being someone who is right in with society and becoming one of those fucking plastic people. I just want to be normal, I just want to think normally and just have a day where I don't fuck everything up by going off the fucking rails. There are so many voices in my head that are telling me to do crazy fucking things and impulses that I can't control when even the slightest irritation comes my way. I've tried to remain calm and cool around certain things but when people continuously get in my face, I just don't know what to do. I-I-I-I-I black out and I can't remember beating or killing the person whose on the ground or the car that I stole or whatever the fuck that I did." Trevor stood up, keeping his focus on me. "I'm tired of waking up everyday and wanting to change, but I just can't fucking change. No matter how much I fucking try, I feel like I'm going in fucking circles. Even with you. I fell for you the moment I fucking saw you; I felt my heart drop into my fucking stomach and I couldn't even stop myself from taking you and ruining your whole fucking life. I'm so fucking unstable that I thought that you could actually fall in love with me before you left. I kept thinking that we had a connection and then it all fucking clicked when you kissed me when you were trying to get on the train. It all fucking clicked that nothing I had done up until that point was fucking right and that I just fucked up everything you had. If I had just fucking let you go in the first place, then maybe you could fucking live a normal life or at least be away from me. But all I've done is drag you back to this fucking hell hole and forced you into a corner. You haven't betrayed me but there's a small fucking voice screaming in the back of my head wondering when the fuck you will. And then this whole fucking thing with Ron. Ron, I've fucked up terribly and I didn't mean to. I-I-I just wanted someone loyal, I just wanted a fucking friend. Someone who actually fucking listened and was nice to me. He's been fucking awesome and he never really complains or argues or fucking anything. A-a-a-and then he fucking tells me that he kissed you and that he's in fucking love with you and I can't help but think that you two are just going to run off and leave me the fuck behind. I don't want to be alone!" Trevor fell to his knees as my eyes widened with shock. That fucker sAID WHAT? Ex-fucking-cuse me?! "He said that he felt bad about feeling that way, especially since he knows how I fucking feel about you. I'm fucking crazy about you to the point where whenever I go off the fucking rails and ruin everything, I just want to fucking kill myself. I want to kill myself for what I did to the treaty between the other dealers and I, for fucking ruining a good thing with the Chinese, walking back into Michael's god-damn, for possibly putting Franklin into line to death and killing Floyd. I've fucked up and I just want the pain to end. I just want everything to fucking stop. I was to stop destroying everything when it's good. I want to be content with what I have and what the fuck I'm doing. But I fucking can't! I'm just so fucking greedy, and I want more. I want more of you and your love. I want you to only be loyal to me and stick to me like glue. But I can't fucking have that because you're an independent person, you're an original person who doesn't let other's thoughts rule their actions and mind. I can't fucking stop myself from thinking that I want to tie you to the fucking bed and keep you there. I'm so fucking broken that the only way that I think a relationship will work is if I entrap someone. I fucking hate myself and I just want everything to stop. I want to think clearly and just be fucking normal." Trevor broke down, tears now streaming down his face, hanging his head low. I remained speechless on the futon. That was a ton of information, and an eye-opener.
"I can't ask anything of you, but I want to. I want you to promise me so many things and just stay with me, but I don't want to hurt you. I fucking hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it." He began to bash the side of his head with his fists. He took several deep breaths before speaking again.
"I love you and I hate myself for it." I carefully moved from the futon, placing myself right in front of him. He looked at me, his eyes were red, face streaked with tears, and red blotches covering his face from self-harm and pressure. I wrapped my arms around his neck, bringing him into a hug. He, without hesitation, responded in kind; tightly bringing me into him as he continued to sob. Everything felt so heavy, hard to breath and yet I hoped that Trevor felt lighter. All of these emotions and thoughts were clearly piling up and being left unresolved; now he's poured his heart and mind out. I closed my eyes.
I need time to sort out my feelings myself.