I had to spend an entire day rereading this story, and I'm not happy with myself even though I'm the one that planned this story out. Anyway, here's a chapter, and it killed me to write it.

~*Chapter Fourteen*~

-When My Time Comes-

...BB...

Emmett's dead.

Dead.

How can that be?

People I don't know hug me and give their condolences, and I feel nothing.

Nothing but disgust for the secret I never got to tell my beautiful dead husband.

I feel so fucking sick.

Nova is a fucking wreck, and my Jack Jack has no idea what's going on, but he won't leave my hip. He's snuggling me while Nova lays in Mrs. Levitt's lap.

We're at the fucking Brandon's of all places. The funeral, Emmett's eulogy, everything to the goddamn flowers was such a fucking farce.

If I felt like I deserved the title of grieving wife, I would have fought Mary tooth and nail on the shit show she put on.

Emmett would have hated it.

How can he be gone?

It doesn't make any fucking sense. One second he's telling me he loves me, and then he's just gone.

I'm so fucking pissed at him for leaving us. What are we going to do without him? What is Nova going to do without her daddy? Why did I ruin something so fucking precious?

Emmett died not knowing what a colossal piece of shit his wife was.

Is it better this way?

Fuck.

I don't realize I'm crying until Alice is hugging me and Jack, her own body wracking with sobs.

"Life's so unfair," she says, squeezing me tighter.

I nod, at a loss for words, not feeling like I deserve to say anything that would make Alice feel better.

She's my best friend - Emmett's sister - and I've done the unthinkable.

I can't live with this lie.

I can't fucking do it.

I push Alice away and hand over Jack before locking myself in the nearest bathroom.

I just can't fucking breathe.

Selfish and needy, I just want him back.

God, I just want to hear his voice, laugh over how fucking crazy our kids are, kiss his stupid gorgeous face.

This is stupid.

It's all so fucking stupid.

Who's going to make me laugh?

What am I going to do?

My cheating heart is beating wildly, my hands are shaking uncontrollably, and the tears are falling from my cheeks like two rivers hoping to drown me in their sorrow.

Please, God, just give him back!

I don't love Edward.

I love him.

Plopping down onto the toilet seat, I bury my face in my hands and choke on my broken heart.

Is this my punishment?

How fucking stupid for Emmett to pay for my treachery. How fucking stupid for our kids to lose their daddy because I've done the unthinkable.

I will never forgive myself.

I will never forgive Edward.

It doesn't matter that it's not his fault or that I'm just as guilty as him. If he never rode into town on that death trap and handed me that stupid can of Rotel, Emmett and I would be laying around the house, arguing over whose going to be the one to tackle the shit Nova throws at us.

Jack Jack will never be held or cuddled by his daddy again.

Nova will have to settle for me and the fucked up way I pour her cereal.

"Bella," Alice says, quietly. "Your family's here."

Who cares!

I cry harder, ignoring the burn in my eyes from the mascara that's supposed to be waterproof.

How can I face anyone after what I've done?

"Bella…"

The door pushes open, and I don't lift my head, but when my dad's arms wrap around me, I sob so loudly I'm sure everyone in this stupid house can hear me.

Dad doesn't say anything. What could he possibly say to soothe the forever ache in my heart, in my fucking soul?

A hand lands on my head, rubbing softly, and I don't move from dad's embrace, but mom whispers in my ear, "Oh, Bella…"

I squeeze my eyes shut tighter and wish for darkness. I want to crawl into our bed and breathe Emmett in. Our bed smells like us, and I need him.

I need Emmett back.

"Mamamama," Jack cries, and my heart shatters.

"It's okay, baby," Alice coos, brokenly.

I lift my head and meet dad's eyes. He reaches up and wipes my tears, and I hiccup and hold back the sob that wants to tear from my throat.

"Jack Jack…"

"No!" Nova screeches, and I lift my head, eyes shooting to Alice. "I don't want to put them on. Leave me alone!"

"Novalie," Mary says, and I shoot from my spot on the toilet and barely notice Heidi next to Alice.

When I turn the corner and see Mary trying to force Nova to put on shoes she never wanted to wear in the first fucking place, I see red.

"Mommy," Nova cries, jumping from the couch and slipping and sliding her way to me in those stupid tights. Her eyes are full of tears, and I can feel another mark on my soul at the sight. "I don't want to wear those shoes. They hurt."

I squat down in front of her, and she falls into my arms. "You don't have to…"

"Daddy wouldn't make me," she sniffles, burrowing into my front, her hands wrapping tight around my neck. "I want daddy!"

She's a far cry from the wild, head banging, drum playing, ugly cat loving girl she was just days go.

I did this!

Mrs. Levitt's hand covers her mouth, and I know I will not survive Emmett's death.

I stand and pick Nova up and look over my shoulder when I hear the footsteps behind me. Dad has Jack Jack, and mom and Heidi walk behind him. Alice is nowhere in sight, and I'm glad because I've betrayed her, too.

"I want to go home," I say, and dad nods.

Mrs. Levitt pushes herself from the couch, and Mary walks away without a word.

Dad drives us and Mrs. Levitt home, and I stare out the window lost in thoughts of loss and heartbreak and the realization that I will never see or hear Emmett again.

Ever.

We're never going to be the same.

None of us.

And it just makes me hate myself even more.

~o~O~o~

...EC…

Car doors slam, and Edward picks himself up off the couch to pull the blinds open hoping for a glance at his princess.

Not his princess.

Not anymore.

Emmett's death changes everything.

Bella doesn't look in his direction, and he hates that he's wishing she would just give him one look - a look that tells him that she needs him.

It won't happen.

She will never need the man that helped betray her dead husband.

They've done the unforgivable, and Bella will eat the blame and never forgive herself.

Fuck!

He lets the blinds go and takes his spot back on the couch, staring at a TV that doesn't mean shit when Bella's across the street nursing an unmendable broken heart.

He knows what that feels like. He knows what this kind of tragedy does to a person. He's lived with this mark on his soul for two years, and he was just barely finding the will to live again, to fucking love again.

One inferno and that's all it took for it to be stripped from his hands irrecoverably.

Emmett didn't just die. He was burned to death from the outside in. The opposite of his Emma who was burned from the inside out.

It's so fucking tragic that they'd both lose someone so fucking precious to them.

Life is a fucking dirty bitch, and if not for Bella right across the street, he'd say fuck it, but even if she never speaks to him again, he knows that she's the one for him.

It's fucked up to think it. It was fucked up to act on it, but from his perspective, he had no choice. The heart wants what the fucking heart wants, and his wants Bella. His fucking needs her.

He has no idea what he's going to do without her. He can't even think of never hearing her voice again, of never touching her soft skin, of never feeling the way he feels when she smiles at him, when she fucking kisses him.

It all started on the wrong foot, but they've just been cut off at the knees - to never walk the same path again.

He's going to have to leave - give her space - but it's going to fucking kill him to do it.

Fuck!

~o~O~o~

...BB…

I stare at the empty sheet next to me, trying to bring up the image of Emmett and how much I want him right here chin in his hand, eyes devouring me like a hungry beast.

I'll never have it again - him again.

A tear leaks from my eye, and I don't know how I'm going to live a life without Emmett in it.

It's been two weeks - one week since the funeral - and nothing, fucking nothing is getting easier.

How could it?

How could it possibly get easier?

The roar of a motorcycle has my body stiffening, and my heart weakening. Rolling over, I bury my face in the pillow and let the tears flow uncontrollably.

It's been two weeks since you make me feel alive - two weeks since I laid eyes on Edward.

It's good, though, because I have no idea how I would have reacted if he would have said the words I'm sorry.

I sniffle into the pillow and breathe in the scent of Emmett - hoping it never goes away but knowing it fucking will someday.

Dad, Heidi, and mom left three days ago, and I'm glad because I can't face anyone.

How will I ever look anyone in the eye and be okay with this secret that's now buried somewhere deep inside me? The one person that deserved to know, is never fucking coming back.

I cry until my eyes hurt and my lungs are burning, and just when I think I'll never be able to sleep, my eyes close.

When they open again, it's morning, and Nova's banging on those drums. I want nothing more than to hear the sound of Emmett's groan of agony because he's not - wasn't - a morning person.

Forcing myself to get out of bed, I wash my face and brush my teeth before checking on Jack and peeking in on Nova. She doesn't notice me, busy banging on her drums savagely. I leave her to it and make coffee.

Sadness and heartbreak is what I'll always feel - always.

I'm on cup number two when a knock comes on my door. Not wanting to but doing it anyway, I pull it open.

Mrs. Levitt's standing there, her wrinkly old face looking haggard. Poor Mrs. Levitt is suffering right along with the rest of us.

"Morning, dear," she says, leaving off the good. "You have a note." She gestures to the door, and she's right, there is a note with my name on it.

With a shaking hand, I pull it off, and step out of the way, so Mrs. Levitt can come in.

"There's coffee," I say, distractedly, my eyes on the slanted writing of my name on folded white paper.

"I'll help myself, dear."

She hobbles off, and I close the door, heart in my fucking throat.

My gut tells me I know who this is from, and my heart's not sure if she wants to read the motherfucker.

What could it say?

Ignoring the sound of Nova's drums, I set my coffee on the coffee table and take a seat on the couch.

I bite my lip and bend perfectly creased paper in my shaking hands.

I know it's from him. It has to be.

Thinking fuck it - that there's nothing worse than losing my husband, I unfold the paper.

Princess,

I'm so fucking sorry. You'll never know how much. I'm not going to lie. I need you. I'll always fucking need you. I'm almost selfish enough to say fuck it and break this door down just so I can touch you, hold you, fucking feel your lips on mine. The thing is, I know what it feels like to lose a piece of your soul. I fucking know, so even if I can't feel whole without you - without Emma - I know you won't feel whole without him.

I'm leaving town not because I want to but because I think you need me to in order to heal. I fucking hope that you, Nova, and Jack Jack find peace. Emmett was good, Bella. He didn't deserve it. None of it. My heart is fucking breaking writing this stupid letter to tape on your stupid fucking door. It's juvenile, but I won't force you to see me even if it's killing me not to see you.

What we had meant everything. You mean everything, princess.

I'll always hope for more.

Take care of Nancy.

I'll miss you like crazy - you have no idea how much.

Always,

Your thief

I read it twice through, letting droplets of water smear stupid ink as I read each stupid word.

I was right - nothing's worse than losing my husband.

Except this.

This secret I kept from him.

Emmett's gone and never coming back.

Edward's gone, and I don't know if I'll ever see him again.

I rush from the couch and yank the door open, my blurry eyes going straight to Edward's house next door. The garage is closed, and I don't see his motorcycle out front.

It doesn't make any sense when I run on bare feet across the street and bang on his door, my heart in my throat, the tears an unstoppable river flowing down my cheeks.

He's gone.

Edward left.

I don't know how long I stand at his front door, wishing I could turn back time and have never met him. He made me feel things I had no right to feel when I was married to a man who loved me fiercely.

Mrs. Levitt calls my name, and I peek over my shoulder to find her watching me from my doorway.

She knows.

The look on her face tells me she knows everything I've done, and she doesn't hate me.

Just fucking hate me!

I walk across the yard and stand in front of her, and when she pulls me into a hug and murmurs, "Oh, dear…" I lose it all over again.

Will I ever stop crying? Will life ever be easy again?

"Let it out," Mrs. Levitt whispers.

"I'm…" I choke and sniffle, burying my face deeper into her bony shoulder. "...a horrible person."

She knows I am - she knows - but she just rubs my back and shushes me until I get myself under control - if only for show - and pull back to stare at her weathered face.

"Come on inside. You need breakfast."

"I'm not hungry…"

"Starving yourself won't do any good. Those babies need their mommy."

I step inside, and she closes the door. "Now, go on and wash up. I'll make you some toast and jam, dear."

Mrs. Levitt knows me - whoever me is supposed to fucking be.

~o~O~o~

3 weeks later

This can't be happening.

What the fuck!

"Nova, come here and get Tiger," Alice yells, making me jump from the toilet without even wiping and shoving the stick at the bottom of the garbage can. "Bella!"

She's in my room now, and my entire body is shaking.

"I'll be out in a minute."

She doesn't answer, and I take longer than a minute because I'm trying to process how in the fucking world I'm pregnant.

Pregnant!

I can't be pregnant. I already have Jack Jack and Nova plus Bear and the rat demon from hell. I can't be pregnant without Emmett…

Oh my God!

Am I pregnant with Emmett's baby or Edward's?

Pacing the small bathroom, I feel like I am going to puke my fucking guts up.

My husband is dead.

Edward is gone.

And I'm just pregnant.

A tear leaks from my eye - I'm so fucking tired of crying - and I angrily wipe it away before lifting my shirt and staring at my flat stomach in the mirror.

This can't be happening.

I splash water on my face and dry it with a towel before facing Alice.

Am I going to tell her?

I still haven't worked up the nerve to tell her that I had a soul changing affair with my neighbor. Of course she wouldn't understand, I'm just not prepared to lose her, too.

Taking a deep breath, I pull the door open and find Alice with her back to me, standing at the tall dresser in the corner.

"What are you…"

She turns around and my heart literally drops. Her face is red and blotchy, and she's crying, but it's what's in her hands that has me wanting to run and hide like a fucking coward.

"What is this?" She holds the note up and shakes it. "What the fuck is this?"

"Alice…"

Bear barks, and Nova starts playing her drums, her life's mission to wake her brother up every single morning.

"You were cheating on him?"

I step forward and yank the note from her hand and like a motherfucking idiot, I turn it on her. "Why are you going through my things?"

She laughs humorlessly and angrily wipes at her wet cheeks. "Don't you dare make this about me, Bella. You were fucking cheating on my brother!"

I knew this was going to happen - I was going to tell her myself - but I never thought it would feel like this, never thought I'd feel like I was fucking dying having to admit it out loud.

I squeeze Edward's precious words in my fist, and slowly nod my head, knowing that mine and Alice's friendship will never be the same. "I did…"

"Oh my God," Alice breathes. "Oh my God, Bella. How could you!"

I look away and bite my lip, trying to hold my shit together and utterly fucking failing. I can't even tell her I'm pregnant now. I can't tell her anything.

"Say something," she demands, sounding nothing like herself, and that's my fucking fault, too.

If she leaves us, I don't know how I will survive. It's hard enough waking up every single fucking morning without Emmett, without knowing where Edward ran off to. I shouldn't care about Edward, I shouldn't give one fuck about him, but I fucking do care that he left, too.

"What do you want me to say?" I ask, looking into blue, angry eyes. "Edward…"

"Don't fucking say his name," she sneers, her fists balled at her sides. "Don't ever say his name to me. He was my brother…" her voice cracks, and my heart is a constant ache in my chest. "...he loved you, and you slept with another man. He's dead…" she stifles a sob and shakes her head angrily. "...he's gone, never coming back, and you were keeping this secret from him!"

"I was going to tell him!" I yell, just fucking losing it. "I was going to fucking tell him and then he died. He was your brother, but he was my fucking husband!" Now I'm crying, and my voice is shaking horrifically with the truth. "He was coming home, and I was going to tell him and then he died…" I squeeze the words in my fist tighter when Nova's drums taper off. "...I was going to tell him."

She scoffs and glares at me. "You got off easy, Bella. He was off dying and you were fucking the neighbor. I can't even look at you."

She starts to walk away, and I grab her arm, desperate for her to stay, so fucking desperate. "You're leaving? Don't leave like this, Alice."

She throws my arm off and doesn't look at me when she says the words that destroy me. "I will never forgive you for this. Never, Bella."

I'm frozen to the spot as I listen to her telling Nova bye and making sure Nova gives kisses to Jack Jack for her.

Is she going to abandon Nova and Jack Jack, too?

What am I going to do?"

Oh my God, what the fuck am I going to fucking do?