Disclaimer: This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

What Happened Previously: Harry, Ron, and Hermione are interrupted in their Charms exam by Dumbledore and asks everyone to go to the Great Hall. Along the way, Ron accidentally kills a kid and loses 1000 points for Gryffindor. Dumbledore informs the students they will have to leave tomorrow due to the numerous deaths during the year. Harry blows up Fluffy in the third floor corridor, and is transported somewhere unknown.

Chapter 17: What Was the Point of all This You Old Fucker?

"Where the bloody hell am I?" Harry asked aloud.

The boy landed on his backside as he appeared suddenly inside of a massive room. When he got up, it was easy to see that the room was filled with hundreds of keys that were flying in the air. As he looked up even further, Harry noticed that there was a massively burned hole in the ceiling that looked like a bunch of plants had died.

"What the hell is going on here? Why are there keys everywhere? And why the hell did that door get me here?" Harry asked aloud again, but he realized that talking to himself was not going to solve anything. The boy wasn't going to get anywhere by just standing around either, so he started walking towards the end of the room where he noticed there was a door with a big lock attached.

"I guess casting Alohomora wouldn't do a damn thing in this case. Well, I might as well try." Harry said as he picked up his wand and aimed it towards the door. "ALOHOMORA!"

The spell was cast on the door and, by the sheer fate of luck, the lock fell off the handle and slammed down to the floor. Harry couldn't believe this. Then again, this didn't begin to surprise him in the least bit. Considering everything that had happened this year alone, having this lock fall off the door was the least incredible thing he experienced. Before the boy reached for the door, he couldn't help but wonder why the keys were flying around at all.

Towards the left side of the door, there appeared to be a broom hovering in place. It seemed likely that Harry was supposed to fly in the air and grab one of the keys to open the door, but which one? After looking in the air for a minute or so, the boy gave up. Why bother trying to get a key, when he already unlocked the door?

"Hogwarts is one strange ass place." He said to himself. And with that, he proceeded on.

The door led to a long hallway that gave many twists and turns the farther he went down. After traversing the depths of the castle for some time, Harry came across a gigantic door that seemed to already be somewhat ajar. After pushing himself through, the boy began to notice that the room was dimly lit and contained a gigantic chess set in front of him.

"A chess set? What's next?" Harry thought.

The boy didn't want to play games at a time like this, so he attempted to move past the chess pieces in order to get across the room and find a way out. Beyond the pieces in the back, Harry noticed there was another door but it was fully open. As soon as he headed straight towards the open door, the torches in the room lit up, and the white king piece moved in the way and drew his weapon.

"I was not expecting this." He exclaimed.

"None may pass until the game is played." the piece said. He was towering over the boy as if he was an ant.

"I'm guessing I can't skip all this, right? I mean, I don't know why I'm even here in the first place!"

"None have asked me that before."

"None?" Harry asked while surprised. "It's a giant chess game! Surely someone wouldn't want to play this game unless they were forced."

"Not many come down here, and the ones who try to play usually perish. If you were to play a game, you would most likely die along with the rest."

"See? That is exactly why I should just skip this and move on."

"You are right, small one. You may pass." The king said as he lowered his sword and pointed in the direction of the door behind him.

"Small one?" Harry angrily thought as he moved past the giant king. "You're lucky I'm not interested in blowing up a chess set today, you giant slab of fuck."

"Wait." Harry turned toward the king, annoyed, and waited for what he had to say. "There was another who came down here. He went down there, but I know not what he seeks. He did not appear to be friendly."

"So? I just want to get out of here, and not talk to some nutcase. What's down there anyway?"

"Only what you take with you, small one."

"Listen to me dick, I am not …"

"Be safe on your journey, small one." The chess piece interrupted as he went back into his position on the board. Not wanting to stick around any longer, Harry grunted in annoyance and moved through the door and traversed down the next set of stairs.

The next room was just as big as the first with the flying keys, however, this time there were no keys or giant chess pieces. No. What was inside was a dead troll. The smell of the beast was starting to foul and the green mounds of troll blood spewed out of his chest where a fatal wound was cast. Harry would normally have tried to come up with something snarky to go along with this sight, but the stench of the corpse was starting to become overwhelming, and he took his leave instead.

"Why would there be a troll here anyway?" Harry thought. "What in the world is down here?"

In the next room, another trial awaited the boy, and with it came another door on the far end of the room. Then, as if he had triggered a trap, purple flames surrounded the door in front of Harry, and then black flames surrounded the door where he came from.

Looking for a way out, Harry took in his surroundings and noticed there was something in front of him. There were seven vials on the table along with a riddle on how to choose the correct one. Apparently only one led to the exit, and now Harry had to try and solve it. A piece of parchment laid in front of him on the table, and it held a set of instructions.

"Okay, what's this now?" He thought as he read the instructions in his head. "Danger lies before you, while safety lies behind, Two of us will help you, whichever you would find, One among us seven will … blah blah blah! This is just way too damn complicated."

Obviously Harry was just not interested in trying to solve this insane puzzle, so he decided to ignore the warnings and just make a selection based on what he liked.

"Okay. Here's how I am gonna choose. Eenie Meenie Miney Mo. Catch a wizard by the toe. If their wand breaks let them know, that now they're Harry Potter's hoe." He said as he pointed his finger over each of the vials. When he finally arrived at his selected vial, the boy congratulated himself on such a vulgar yet hysterical rhyme to end the process.

Harry's finger landed on the vial that appeared to be cleaner than most, filled with a darker substance, and was light to hold. With nothing to lose, the boy drank the potion and waited for the flames to subside on both sides. After waiting for a few moments, the flames on both sides of the room did not go away. Maybe something else to be done in order to get past?

With no other options, the only thing to do was to go ahead and walk to the other door.

"Godric this is taking forever. Whatever the hell is down here better be worth it!" Harry thought before he cursed himself for using the word 'Godric'. If he wasn't careful, he would end up being a total wanker like the other sheep at this school.

Right as Harry approached the door, it immediately swung open to reveal a long hallway with torches hanging from the columns. They were quite dim. The boy walked right past them and fortunately, the fire sprung to life; creating a nice view of what was to come. However, what he saw was nothing like he was imagining.

The hallway led to a moderately sized square chamber with the mirror that shows people's desires placed squarely in the middle, and while the hallway before the room was lit up, the room was darker and the only source of light came from the top of the ceiling that shined down on the mirror. There wasn't anyone else in the room with Harry, so he decided to satisfy his curiosity by going to the mirror. What harm could it do anyway?

As he approached the mirror, Harry was reminded of his previous experience at Christmas. Last time he saw his parents, Ginny, and Voldemort, so what would he see now?

"Okay mirror. Show me something." Harry said aloud.

At first, nothing happened and Harry just looked at the mirror as if he was staring at a blank wall. After a few moments, the boy had quite enough of nothing happening so he decided to wave his arms and see if the mirror reacted. Nothing. Then he tried moving away and coming back into view so the mirror could see him. Still nothing. What was going on?

"Is this stupid thing broken?" He asked.

"It's not broken, my boy." A voice from the shadows responded. It didn't take a genius for anyone to figure out that the man from the dark was Dumbledore.

"What the bloody hell are you doing here? Also, why am I here?"

"Congratulations my boy. You, Harry, have saved the Sorcerer's Stone from being taken by Voldemort." Dumbledore said with some enthusiasm to which Harry couldn't tell if it was genuine or not.

"What in the world are you talking about, Dumblewhore? Voldemort is not here. No one is!"

"Exactly! Voldemort died in the forest that night while you were serving detention with Hagrid." Harry's eyes grew big.

"So that man from the forest, who was drinking the unicorn blood, was Voldemort?"

"Yes, indeed."

"Wait if that was Voldemort, then what happened to Professor Quirrell? Did Voldemort kill him?"

"Professor Quirrell was possessed by Voldemort before he came to Hogwarts this year. You see, I had to get the man in the school in order to try and get him to steal the Sorcerer's Stone. With the stone in his possession, Voldemort could have used it to grow himself a new body, and therefore, he would return." Harry was beyond confused now.

"Why in the name of fuck would you want Voldemort to come back to life? What's your game here Dumbledore?"

"Don't you see, Harry? You are the chosen one! You are the only one who can destroy Voldemort for good! I've set this whole year in motion so you could face Quirrell here, in this chamber, to gather the Sorcerer's Stone, and prevent the Dark Lord from gaining a new body. With the Stone in hand, you would be that much closer to becoming the hero the Wizarding World needs. I knew that … "

Harry couldn't take this load of bullshit anymore. Dumbledore was seriously off his rocker. If he thought that setting this whole year up for him was a test to see if he was good enough to defeat Voldemort, then the old man might have had one too many lemon drops. Come to think of it, what was in those candies anyway?

"Ok, that's enough Dumble-fuck. I'm done listening to you. Answer me this: how the hell do I get out of here?"

" … and of course when Voldemort did kill your parents all those years ago … "

"You're not listening are you?" Harry asked as he sighed.

" … James and Lily were some of my favorite students while they attended … "

"Hello? Dumbledore! I'm talking to you!"

" … and now we get to the point of all this. I had to get this test for you … "

"That's it. I'm done here." The boy said as he turned around and began to leave. Dumbledore wasn't done, however.

"No no, Mr. Potter. You cannot leave until you gather the Stone."

"I don't want it. You can keep your stupid rock."

"EXACTLY!" Dumbledore excitedly shouted. "That's the beauty of it! You don't want it, so you can go get it now!"

"There's no way around this is there? I have to do this stupid fucking task?"

"Go to the mirror and extract the Stone, Mr. Potter!" Dumbledore stated. Just like the others, he wasn't listening to Harry's profanities.

Harry groaned and turned back towards the mirror. As he stood in front of the mirror again, the boy didn't see anything just like before. Then, suddenly, a reflection of himself appeared, and he reached into his pocket and withdrew a crimson red stone. Then almost immediately, the reflection put it back into the same pocket and disappeared. Harry decided to humor the mirror and check his pocket, and to his surprise, the Stone was firmly tucked inside.

"Magic is so fucking strange. I'll never understand any of this shit." Harry thought.

"Well?" Dumbledore asked as Harry looked over his shoulder. "Did you get the Stone?!"

"Yep." The boy withdrew the Stone and showed it off in his hand.

"Excellent, my boy! Now hand it over here!"

"Hmmm. You really want this Stone, Dumbledore?"

"YES! Yes, I do, Harry! The Stone must be protected, and I am the only one who can do it."

"Well too bad. Now that YOU want it, I'm going to take it for myself. Thanks for setting this whole thing up you old shit-for-brains."

"Harry, I demand you hand over the Stone." Harry shook his head.

"Yeah, no. I'm good. Let's just get out of here so I can get back to fucking off until I leave tomorrow."

"STOP!" Dumbledore ordered as he drew his wand. "Hand over the Stone, Mr. Potter!"

"No."

"Yes."

"NO."

"YES! YES, YOU MUST!" Harry was beyond confused now thanks to Dumbledore's antics.

"Wow, you are so fucking strange. It's just a stupid fucking rock!" Dumbledore looked put out at this point.

"Fine. If you won't hand over the Stone, then I have no choice but to make you." The old man retrieved his wand and began to use Finite Incantatem on himself. As the magic began to fall off his body, a dark cloaked figure stood in the Headmaster's place. This wasn't Dumbledore at all. This was someone else.

"Great. Now I have to deal with whomever the fuck you are." Harry muttered.

"I HEARD THAT YOU LITTLE FUCKER!" The man shouted back.

"What the hell? I thought no one could hear me?"

"None except for ME you little brat! I am no ordinary wizard, and I am certainly not Albus Fucking Dumbledore."

"Thank fucking god for that."

"Silence! I am the Dark Lord VOLDEMORT!" Harry first decided not to say anything, but moments later he just decided to go along with it.

"Oh. So you're Voldemort, huh?" Harry began. "I thought I destroyed you in the forest?" the Dark Lord waved his pointer finger.

"No. That person was merely a vessel that I used to keep myself alive. I wasn't kidding when I said that Quirrell was defeated by you because he was that cloaked figure! I needed him to drink the unicorn blood in order to escape his useless body. Do you know how long I've had to live under that ridiculous turban he wears? It got hot under there and I was constantly sweating bullets."

"Yeah, I'm sure it was a complete bitch." Harry said as he laughed at him.

"Silence! Who told you to speak you little shit?" Voldemort sneered. Even though his face was hidden under the hood of the cloak, Harry could tell that the Dark Lord was making an angry face at him. This didn't change anything about how the boy felt, however.

"No one you dick! I don't get told what to do by anyone, and that especially means you."

"ENOUGH! It seems we are not going to get along. I had hoped that we could become good friends, but it seems you only want to insult me! I do not take this kind of bullshit with anyone, and since you have forgotten your manners, it looks like I will have to educate you!"

"Do you really want to do this, you demented asshole?"

"Oh, you are going to pay for that one, POTTER!" He spat at the boy's name.

The Dark Lord raised his wand and quickly swished a spell that Harry had no idea what it was. The boy thankfully ducked out of the way and ran behind one of the pillars. The darkness seemed to have hidden Harry for the moment, but that didn't stop Voldemort. The man continued to blast spell after spell at the young man until the boy successfully hid from sight.

"Running away, Potter? You disappoint me. I was hoping for more of a challenge from you."

"You do realize that you have a huge advantage over me, right? There was no way I could ever best you in a wand match. What the hell were you expecting?" The boy shouted.

Harry took this moment to reveal himself from the shadows and blast a few first-year spells at the older man. Voldemort easily swatted them away as if the spells were mere flies, and laughed.

"Even after an entire year of learning magic, this is the best you can do? It seems I have to thank Dumbledore for crippling your education."

"You got that right."

"Why don't you witness some REAL spells? Take notes as I destroy you!" Voldemort began firing spells over and over again as Harry ran away into the shadows once more. The Dark Lord began blasting massive destruction spells into the dark hoping to hit the boy, but he was proving to be unsuccessful.

"COME OUT OF THE SHADOWS AND FACE ME, BOY!"

"No!"

"You little brat! You're only delaying the inevitable. Why not make it easy on yourself and surrender? I promise to give you the quickest of deaths if you do."

"Oh wow! That sounds like an amazing deal! Does it come with a lifetime supply of pumpkin juice as well?" He joked.

"SILENCE!" Voldemort blasted another spell in the dark. "I grow tired of these games."

The dark wizard then used his power to light all the torches in the room. The entire chamber was now drenched in light, and any hiding spots instantly vanished for the boy.

"Nowhere to run now, boy! Do you want to come out now?" Harry sighed and came out from the left side of Voldemort's view.

"Alright, you got me." Harry withdrew his wand and pointed it in the direction of the dark wizard. Even though Voldemort was crazy powerful, the boy had a trick up his sleeve to win, and he was going to use this opportunity to win.

"Ah. Finally! Isn't it better to admit defeat, Potter, than to run away like a scared little rat?" Voldemort smiled. "It seems you have been beaten, boy. I will now finish what I started all those years ago. Do you have any last pleading words before I …. "

"WINGARD LEVOSA!" Harry shouted before Voldemort could even finish that sentence.

The spell hit the dark wizard like a train violently and was slammed into the back wall. The sound of cracking bones followed, and blood began profusely spurting out of Voldemort's neck.

"How? How could I have been defeated by a child?" He choked out.

"You should have known better, dumb ass." Voldemort began to chuckle as the blood continued to pool out of his body and on to the floor.

"I will be back, Potter. Next time, you won't be so lucky!" The man exclaimed as he got out his final words.

"Whatever. WINGARD LEVOSA!"

An instant later, the Dark Lord was vaporized into a bloody pool of guts and gore that splattered all over the walls and floor. The explosion knocked Harry down on to his back, and his world suddenly went black.

Harry Potter woke in a place he did not recognize right away. He was dressed in his pajamas and slept in a comfy bed that was clearly not his. As he looked at his surroundings, the boy could tell that he was now inside the hospital wing of Hogwarts.

"Welcome to the living, Mr. Potter." The school matron said.

"Oh good, it's you Madam Pomfrey! Do you have that case of fire whiskey yet?" He smirked.

"Don't count on it, young man. You don't have any test scores turned in yet, and I won't do anything until I see the results!"

"So you say. Just remember that I like it chilled. I'll expect to get it when I return next September." The matron sighed. The child was starting to get on her nerves.

"How did I get here? Why am I in this bed?" Harry asked.

"You were dropped off here by the Headmaster several hours ago, Mr. Potter."

"Well, that explains it. I guess." Harry then noticed that his clothes, and subsequently the Sorcerer's Stone, was gone.

"Where's my stuff, you old crone?"

"I have your clothes here, Mr. Potter." The woman said as she pointed over to the bed next to him. "I would normally suggest hurrying to get to breakfast, but since the students have already been sent home for the summer holidays, it won't do you any good."

"They already left?! Why the hell didn't you say anything?"

"I do not release my patients until they are fully healed. Even though you did miss the train back to London, I will keep the ones I am healing here until they are good enough to leave."

"Uh-huh. Great. Well, you can plainly see that I am super fucking healed. Can I leave now? Or do I have to blast you away as I did with Voldemort?"

"Your stuff is on the bed, Mr. Potter. I suggest you get moving." She said as she began to walk away. Harry decided to give her a final statement before getting up.

"Thanks for leaving me here, bitch!"

"No thanks necessary, Mr. Potter. It's what I do." Harry grunted at her response. As the boy began to get dressed, he reached inside his pocket to see if the Sorcerer's Stone was still there. To his great disappointment, the red rock was gone, but in its place, a note was inside.

Dear Mr. Potter,

I found you inside the basement chambers of Hogwarts, and I must say I am glad that I did. Your friends were worried about you and asked me to go down there after you decided to head off on your own.

I am surprised that you retrieved the Sorcerer's Stone and passed the trials. None have ever managed to get that far, much less get past the troll. How did you accomplish that by the way?

Anyway, I have taken the Stone for safekeeping for the moment, and I knew you wouldn't mind. I fully expect you to make a grand recovery by the time you read this message, and I hope you enjoyed your first year at Hogwarts. I look forward to seeing you again in the fall, my boy. Until then, I wish you a pleasant holiday.

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

P.S. Gryffindor won the house cup after I rewarded your house over 10,000 points for your bravery.

Harry laughed at the last part of the message. It seems that the old man was completely biased towards the lions, and it would have been great to see the faces on all the students as they lost. The boy was, however, quite mad at losing the Stone. How dare Dumbledore take something that he earned? What gave him the right? Who knows what that Stone could have done? Now Harry will never know unless he stole the Stone back sometime in the future, but that could wait.

As Harry left the Hospital Wing, he discovered that his luggage was already waiting for him outside the door. Within the moment of the boy grabbing his trunk, a familiar tugging feeling washed over him and transported him back to his least favorite place in the world; his relative's house.

"Thanks a fucking lot, Dumbledore. Now I have to deal with these assholes for another few months." Harry thought.

The boy marched towards the house and up the steps to the front door. Before the young man knocked, he noticed a small message taped to the door.

I hope you enjoy the changes I've made, Harry. Use them well.

Dumbledore

Harry smiled as he finished reading the note, and promptly knocked on the door. Whatever waited for him on the other side, he couldn't wait to find out what it was. After a moment of knocking, the door opened to reveal his fat walrus uncle, and his scarecrow looking aunt, looking down on him. The moment he saw their faces, however, Harry burst out laughing.

"Now THIS is something I will enjoy, Dumbledore." He said. "I guess you aren't a completely daft old codger after all."

The boy then picked up his belongings and went inside of his relative's house. This was definitely going to be a memorable summer indeed.

A/N: Well, that's the end of Year 1. I do intend to keep this series going. It was a lot of fun doing this story, and I'm hoping the next years will be just as fun to write about. Look forward to the second year coming soon.