Chapter 18

Once they finished their walk, farewelled the Sanin and Kakashi departed, Naruto was quick to retreat to his room. He was still thinking about seeing Gaara, but his anxieties were becoming overwhelming. His mind was a steady chant of "what will he think of you? You are so weak and pathetic; how could he still care for you?" Naruto tried to calm his mind, but it was becoming difficult, even talking with Kurama did not help. Naruto felt a buzzing start under his skin…

Iruka didn't suspect a thing as Naruto excused himself, stating he was tired. His Sensei could see the hope in him and believed he honestly needed to rest. Iruka boiled the kettle and made some tea, stealing his nerve to continue reading through Naruto's diaries. He was getting close to Mizuki's betrayal and was curious to see how the event affected Naruto given that he already knew about the nine tails by that point.

As he skimmed over the pages leading up to the graduation exam, he was struck by how perceptive Naruto really was. The entires detailed the changes in Iruka's behaviour towards him and when he finally felt like he no longer had to be fearful of his Sensei. It also noted some of Mizuki's troubling behaviour.

Iruka-Sensei is finally starting to warm up to me and it feels genuine. Not like how the others behaved when they wanted me to trust them before they hurt me but like real affection, kind like how Kurama treats me. It's a shame he isn't the only Sensei. If he was I would probably enjoy going to the academy but Iruka-Sensei isn't always around and Mizuki-Sensei is cruel, especially to me. He is so subtle though, I don't think any of my classmates have noticed, he always made it seem like an accident. Sometimes he directs jutsu at me, other times it's weapons. I could defend myself, I always see it coming but what's the point? I don't wanna hurt anyone and they all think I'm an idiot. I don't want to prove anyone wrong. Anyway, he has started to change, he's become secretive, stalking around the academy like he shouldn't be there, meeting in dark alleys with strange shinobi from other villages. I know he is up to something but Kurama assures me he will try to use me to do it somehow, he can sense a deep hatred that will never be resolved. Whatever, I don't care, I'll do what he wants and maybe someone will need to end me because of it…

No matter how many entries Iruka read, it never became easier to know how badly Naruto wanted to die. Why didn't anyone try to help him? Why didn't he see his sadness? As he read on it became more clear to him, the events that led him to steal the scroll and the reason he didn't even try to dodge Mizuki's attacks. He felt a little bad as he read on and noticed that Naruto didn't exactly appreciate being saved by Iruka.

So it's the scroll he wants. He truly believes I am so stupid that I don't realise what he is planning. I couldn't pass the exam because I am not built for illusion jutsu, I have too much chakra, at least that's what Kurama says. But still, secret way to pass, steal a scroll and learn a jutsu, eh, what do I have to lose? I'll play along. Hopefully there is a kunai in it for me.

Iruka took a deep breath as he read those words. They were filled with a deadly kind of hope, waiting for an end. He knew how he saw the battle, Mizuki using Naruto, trying to kill him and Iruka taking the hits but he never would've thought that Naruto had been using Mizuki as well.

So I stole the scroll, learnt a cool new technique and almost got Iruka-sensei killed. That shuriken was meant for me. It could've all been over if Iruka didn't find me first. I appreciate his words and his actions, at least I know he truly cares for me but still, my plan was perfect. Get myself declared a traitor, have Anbu finish me off or have Mizuki do it himself. I didn't care but no, I got Iruka sensei hurt and had to pretend that I didn't know about Kurama. It's pathetic really that they all think I didn't know and now I will have people watching me since I pulled this stunt so I won't be able to carry out any plans for a while. It's already began, I can sense the hound Anbu outside watching me. His chakra feels like lightning, I've felt it around before a few times, but I've never met the ninja it belongs to. Whatever, I'll just keep pretending for now, at least I get to move on from the academy now, see some real action, maybe die on a mission instead. Jiji said the teams will be forming next week so it will be one week of being watched, trying to return Iruka-sensei's affection and not trying to kill myself. Oh joy.

Iruka read the remaining entries in his journal, they were fairly tame, mainly noting some trips they took together to Ichiraku's and observations Naruto made about Hound. It was the last of his journals that the chunin needed to read so he tucked them all back into his hidden floorboard and took a shower to clear his head. He had planned on checking on Naruto after he cleaned up and tried to wash away his guilt.

Meanwhile, Kurama was trying to calm down Naruto who was having a full-blown anxiety attack. Naruto was hyperventilating, rocking back on forth in a ball and trying to dig his fingernails into his flesh. Kurama tried to pull him into the dreamscape, showing him a ball of chakra growing and shrinking, trying to calm his breathing but Naruto couldn't focus. Kurama couldn't reach him so he sent out a pulse, hoping Iruka would help.

Iruka was just finishing drying himself when he felt the pulse. He quickly threw on his pants and rushed to Naruto's room. He found him rocking on the floor, breathing in short burst and having drawn blood from his nails. He crouched down and placed his hands over Naruto's.

Iruka tilted Naruto's head up so they were making eye contact and told him they were going to count to 10 together. As they counted, Naruto's breathing started to slow. His body was overtaken by tremors as he stopped hyperventilating and Iruka wrapped him in an embrace. He started speaking softly: "You can get through this." "I am proud of you. Good job." "Concentrate on your breathing. Stay in the present." "It's not the place that is bothering you; it's the thought." "What you are feeling is scary, but it is not dangerous." Once the tremors subsided and Naruto had his breathing under control, he pushed himself out of Iruka's grip and created some distance. He was feeling vulnerable and defensive. Iruka didn't push and simply said "Tell me what you need now." Naruto knew exactly what he needed but could only ask for a substitute since his was hidden back at his apartment and he couldn't let them see it. "I need something to write on." Iruka nodded, a twinge of guilt wrapping around his heart as he left to find a book and pen for Naruto.

Once he returned to Naruto's room, book and pen in hand, he placed them on the ground next to his student and told "I'm going to make some tea, come out and join me when you are finished, okay?" Naruto nodded and Iruka left him to his thought.

Naruto began writing, feeling sad that he didn't have his journal with him, maybe he should talk to Iruka about going and getting it tomorrow, Yeah, he would do that over tea.

It's all just so overwhelming. Letting them see me. Talking to them. It's been so hard to do this. I told them I would try, and I am, but I still feel the pull, I still want this to end. I'm sick of feeling so pathetic. I miss the white waves that follow cutting. I miss making plans. Its only been a few days so I know I need to give this more time, but I have been doing this for ten years, its hard to let go of everything I've known. Even something good like going to see Gaara is breaking me. What if he doesn't understand. What if he looks at me and decides I am too pathetic to be his friend. He is the Kazekage now. He has his life figured out and a village that adore him now. What if he hates me because I wasn't strong enough to rise above my villages hatred like he was? Kurama says that's I'm overthinking this and holding onto the worst. He doesn't believe Gaara would throw me away like that but I can't let this go. And I know they are sending Iruka to keep an eye on me as well as Kakashi because I am broken and could keep breaking but I want to keep being around him. I feel safe with him and I don't feel like he judges me.

I really miss my journal. Writing in this feels wrong, like its not holding my shame and keeping it safe. I want to get my journal back and keep writing in it. I'm going to ask Iruka if we can go get them all. I don't feel like having my secrets discovered by anyone else. I really would be pathetic if they knew everything.

Naruto finished writing and hid the book under his pillow, placing the pen on his nightstand. He walked to the kitchen, rubbing his fingers together nervously at his side. "Hey Iruka-sense, can I ask you a favour?" Naruto asked quietly, trying to word it correctly.

"Of course, what is it Naruto?" Iruka responded, looking over his student and noting the nervous body language and defeated angle his eyes followed along the floor.

"I have some journals back at my apartment that I would like to get, do you think we would be able to go get them tomorrow? I miss writing in them and they help me stay grounded."

Iruka was glad that Naruto was looking at the ground as he felt the guilt cross his face. "I'm sure that could be arranged if you are sure they will help. Will it just be the current one or all of them?" Iruka asked nervously, trying to think of a plan and praying Jiraiya hadn't left the village yet.

"I would like them all. They contain my story and I feel like I would be more settled if I had them here so I know no one else can have them."

Iruka nodded as he offered Naruto tea. He declined and stated he needed to sleep because he felt fatigued after his panic attack. Iruka bid him goodnight and before the door to his room had fully closed he made a shadow clone and went bounding out the window to see the Hokage.