NOTES:
Hi everyone!
I have some very important notes here! I would like to warn all of you for some shocking tags; Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts and Suicide Attempt. These will all take place in this chapter... Please don't read if you don't feel comfortable with any of it...
That being said, I hope you will all enjoy this chapter and please remember that feedback/suggestions for this story are always welcome! You can always let me know what you would like to read/ see happening in this fic.
ps. I had to come up with my own story for the deaths of Odin and Frigga since this fic does not exactly follow the MCU timeline... so please keep that in mind :)
His breathing was shallow, chest barely moving.
His pulse weak, a dull buzz in his ears.
He wondered how long he had been screaming before his vocal cords gave in, damaged and raw. He wondered how long he had been locked away, all sense of time lost in his solitude.
Loki opened his one eye and stared at the reflection in the tarnished gold. A creature slumped between cold bars stared back at him.
It looked enervated, a mere shadow of its former self. Its skin without pigment, pale and sickly in dim lighting. It looked so wary, its eye circled in black.
An eye, once bright green and vibrant like an emerald, now dull and tainted red like a ruby.
Loki blinked, forcing himself to accept the image as his own. He looked at his fingers, unmoving and still intertwined with the bars as even the slightest twitch caused him to whimper in pain.
He tilted his head, wondering if his mind was already starting to go as he saw his fingertips turn a deep shade of blue.
A tear slowly streamed down his face as he felt his Seiðr being drained from spine and marrow, leaving him exhausted and aching. He stared in silent bewilderment as a thin layer of ice slowly formed on the golden bars underneath his fingertips.
A simple breath felt like an eternity past so maybe Autumn had already gave way to Winter. He wondered why he was not shivering, why the cold would not touch him.
And then he remembered, like a blade stabbing him straight through his head he is reminded of the horror that he truly is. The monster parents tell their children about at night, a beast who soullessly wonders through isolated plains. A Jötunn runt, spared from death, yet now forced to exist in purgatory.
Maybe he deserved this fate. Maybe this is the price he has to pay for sending his parents straight into the ice-cold claws of Death.
The trickster closed his eye, remembering all too well the day he saw his parents slaughtered.
He was called into the living of the east wing, his parents awaiting his arrival. The raven instantly grew nervous as Frigga had beckoned him to sit across from the Allfather, Odin's expression stoic as Loki quietly sat down.
"There is something we must tell you."
Odin had started the conversation, Frigga loyally sitting at his side, holding her husband's hand.
"You are our son, Loki, and we your family. You must know that."
Not even his mother's sweetened words of love could prevent Loki's world from collapsing. He was told he was a monster, a freak of nature, a beast of a different Realm.
He was told he was a Jötunn.
Found abandoned, left to die for he was too small for a giant's offspring. He was Laufey's son.
Rage and disbelief had swallowed his heart and clouded his mind. Loki ran away from his home, his parents and his unknowing brother, and traveled straight towards Jotunheim. He sought for an audience with Laufey, demanding to speak with him. So many questions raging through his mind, so many emotions distorting his soul.
He was captured and imprisoned before he even made it to their icy citadel.
The Allfather and Allmother had to answer to the Jötnar King's call, entering the Frost Giant's Realm alone. No soldiers, no Einherjar, not even their first born was allowed to come.
Of course, it was all a trap.
It was after a long and brave battle against the countless Jötnar that the King and Queen had to give their lives. They were cornered, Loki shackled and crying at Laufey's side as the Frost Giant neared to two gods.
Loki had begged Laufey for mercy.
He had begged the Three Norns for aid.
He had begged his parents for forgiveness.
Odin and Frigga merely smiled at him, portraying a love so pure only a parent could cherish.
Loki was sent back to Asgard after witnessing his parents' execution, their decapitated heads bound to his shackles as he entered the royal palace. The Einherjar were the first to help him and free him of his bounds. Thor entered the throne room only seconds later, following the sound of panic and chaos. He stood, body frozen in shock, blood running cold as he saw his baby brother carrying his parents' heads.
Shame and an all-consuming guilt washed over the young raven as desolated blue eyes stared at him. Loki waited for the Einherjar to release him from his chains, only to immediately run far away into the southern forest.
And after that…
Loki shook his head vigorously, forcing himself to snap out of his horrendous memories.
It mattered not. None of it did. Whether he would ever get out of this cage to see snow falling from the cold skies, whether his Seiðr would be returned to him or stolen forever, whether he would survive or come to death he could not care any longer.
Death might even be kind to him. Comforting and peaceful.
It would stop the insufferable aching in his body, it would calm his heart, his mind. It would take his breath and maybe, just maybe, it would take him to the eternal glory of Valhalla where he could be reunited with his loving parents. Where he could tell them how remorseful he was, how guilt had slowly been eating away at his soul.
If only he would have drowned when Thor had forced him under water to pleasure him during bathing.
If only he would have fallen when Thor had dangled him out of his window by his neck.
If only he would have suffocated when Thor had wrapped his fingers around his throat.
Loki stared at his hands once more.
If only he could conjure a dagger to slice his wrists.
The raven fixated his ruby red eye on his fingers and tried to move them. A green mist formed hesitantly in the palm of his hand, slowly taking shape in the form of a small blade. He drew a stuttered breath in relief, only to curse again as it disappeared.
Focus.
He had to focus.
He tried again, the pain in his body flaring as he fought for control over what little Seiðr he had left.
He succeeded.
There, in the palm of his hand rested his answer, his salvation. A small dagger, sharp and black mockingly showing his reflection.
Loki knew he had to be quick and wasted no time. He placed the sharp end against the skin on his wrist, knowing all too well that he had to make a vertical incision.
.
.
A kind and warm smile flashed before his eye.
.
.
"Loki."
.
.
A voice gentle and loving ringing in his ears and calling his name.
.
.
"Loki."
.
.
Blue eyes, beckoning. A safe haven to rest his weary soul.
.
.
"Loki."
.
.
Steve.
Loki closed his eye, a final tear moving over his cheek as he pressed the tip of his blade deeper into his skin. He would never feel the mortal's hands cup his own again. He would never feel his strong arms wrapped around his frail body, his lips against his own.
Loki would never tell him how much he loved him.
The first drops of blood slowly seeped from the wound and dripped down his wrist. Loki uttered a deep sigh, his heart beating calmly in his chest. He was fine now.
He was at peace.
He stared at the carved blood vessel, mesmerized as the first small stream of red trickled over his skin. He wanted to drag the dagger further over his slender wrist, only to be stopped by a loud creaking sound.
The doors of his chamber opened, disrupting his concentration and causing the dagger to dissolve into thin air.
'Brother,' Thor's voice boomed through the silence, his boots heavy against the stone floor. 'I have come to see how you fair.'
Loki did not acknowledge his presence. He panted, staring in absolute devastation at his now empty hands.
A long silence followed, Thor standing with straightened back as he looked at his baby brother who was slumped in his birdcage, knees and back pressed against the bars as it was too small to lie down or even sit.
A frown formed on Thor's face as he looked at the trickster's ruby eye and the deep blue shade forming over his skin. A side effect of this gruesome device was the explanation he chose to believe. He was the first to open his mouth as the raven did not even look at him; 'I have been thinking, Loki.'
Still no response.
Thor sighed and continued. 'I believe it is time for us to be family once more.' A shudder ran down the blond's spine as a bright red eye was finally directed towards him, pupils dilated.
Loki did not dare to believe him. Was the Allfather, his brother, truly trying to suggest that the two should live as family again? No caressing, no kissing, no marriage and no… rape.
Just two brothers, plain and simple.
Loki cursed the spark of hope that flared in his chest.
Thor smiled, 'I knew this would pique your interest.' He took a step closer, his hands folded behind his back. 'I know what possibilities you possess as a Seiðr bearer, brother, even when most of your power is taken from you. I know you can shape into any form you desire, whether it be god or beast, man or… woman.'
A shudder ran down Loki's spine. He tried moving backwards as his brother raised his hands, his back pressed firmly against his cage as Thor tried to touch his stomach. 'You possess the power to bear a child. With your Seiðr we will have a family of our own. You will give birth to our descendants, to a suited heir to the throne and we will be connected to each other through all of eternity.'
Thor paused as he stared into the trickster's eye, wide in terror. He gave him a quick smile, trying to reassure him; 'Do not dread, Loki. I will not impregnate you till after our marriage.' A grin formed on his face, hands trying to move through the bars and touch the caged creature. 'I cannot wait to feel your curved form, brother. Or should I then call you "sister"?' his voice changed, avaricious and dark with lust. 'Your firm breast and elegant waist. I will spread your legs and kiss every sensitive spot till you beg me for more. I will have you moan my name as I thrust my cock into your wet, virgin cunt.'
There was no love in his voice, no warmth nor comfort. Words falling from his lips, a promise, a threat.
The raven trembled on his feet, utterly dazed as his brother's words slowly dawned on him. His chest started to heave, another panic attack threatening to cloud his mind. He shook his head vigorously and slammed his hands against the bars, his legs tightly pressing together in an involuntary response.
'Loki?' Thor frowned as he took a step back. 'What is it you are doing? Stop it!'
The raven parted his lips, wanting to shout at his brother but the words would not come out. He had no voice, no sound of his own. His vocal cords screamed raw and torn long ago. The thin skin on his hands started to tear up as he kept slamming them against his birdcage, blood trickling from the wounds.
'Loki! Cease your tantrum at once!' Thor ordered as he got closer again, his fingers now wrapped around the bars as Loki's blood splattered in his face and on his clothes. 'Stop this madness!'
But his words fell on deaf ears. Loki gasped, taking frantic breaths as his panic wracked through his body.
He could not take this anymore. If only his brother would have entered this chamber a few minutes later. If only he had the time to slice his wrists and end it all. He looked at his hands, colored red by his blood and blue for reasons he could not accept. He sheathed his fingernails underneath his torn skin, tearing it up further as he moved towards his wrist.
He felt no pain, no agony as his state of panic dulled all other senses. He kept clawing, tearing up his arteries.
'Loki!' Thor shouted at the top of his lungs, unlocking and opening the cage. He held the raven by his fragile shoulders and tried to pull him from his clouded mind. 'You will listen to me, do you understand?! For once you will do as I say!'
Loki kept shaking his head, tears rushing down his face. He tried to continue his scratching but failed as the Allfather firmly held him in place. He could not fight him. He had no energy left to fight, not anymore.
'You will listen to me!' Thor's vision grew dark with panic, his fingers digging deeper and deeper into his brother's shoulders. 'I will not be ignored by you!' The pain caused Loki to stop his thrashing, his arms hanging at his side in defeat and fear.
Thor, however, was far from calm. 'You will listen to me!' He continued to shout, 'I will never let you stray from my side again! I will not lose you again!' He shook his baby brother like a ragdoll, his movement only stopping after he felt bone snapping beneath his fingers. 'I cannot… Not lose you again… I cannot let you leave me again…'
Loki threw his head back in pain, silent screams leaving him as he felt his fractured bones move underneath his skin.
'… You have brought this all upon yourself, brother.' Thor nodded as if convincing himself. He pushed Loki back into his birdcage and locked it. 'If only you would just listen.'
He strode out of the chamber, steps big yet beaten, before throwing the door shut.
NOTES
some of you have been asking why the flying f*ck Thor is still able to wield Mjölnir...
I always thought Thor was unable to wield her because Odin took those powers in the first Thor movie, shouting; "You are unworthy of these realms, you're unworthy of your title, you're unworthy... of the loved ones you have betrayed! I now take from you your power! In the name of my father and his father before, I, Odin Allfather, cast you out!"
so... I never really thought it had anything to do with his personality rather than Odin stripping him from his powers... Hmm... I'm gonna think this one through... Well, thanks anyway for spending your precious time on reading this chapter!
I truly hoped you enjoyed it! :D