Wednesday, September 20th, 2017

Dinner was over and Sherlock and Molly had spent some time discussing their dreams of the night before while sitting on the sofa together.

"I still can't believe you dreamed we had a friends with benefits relationship after I was saved from going to Europe on that one-way mission."

Molly tilted her head to one side and looked at him. "I might have been tempted, if you had really asked me to come to the airfield and see you off instead of leaving me in the dark. That is, if you had made the first move like you did in the dream."

He shook his head. "I don't believe it for an instant, sweetheart. We've discussed the whole friends with benefits thing, after you had that lunch date with Meena before we got married. The whole idea disgusted you."

Molly's lips twitched. "Perhaps so, but in my dream I justified it because I loved you, even though you didn't love me."

He enveloped her left hand in both of his and stroked his thumb over her engagement ring. "It's still not you, the real you, I mean. Although I quite liked the way the story progressed through Sherrinford and I finally did the right thing by you."

Molly nodded. "Yeah, it was an interesting dream, but yours was interesting too. Do you think if you'd shown me your letter back then you would have denied your feelings for me?"

Sherlock gave a rueful smile. "Quite possibly, and you would have had a right to be angry with the mixed signals the dream version of me was giving you if that had been the reality of what occurred. But that dream came right in the end too, and the best part was that my dream had me becoming a Christian, mostly because of you."

Molly leaned her head against his shoulder. "I liked that better than mine, because your dream didn't follow as closely with real life. In my dream I had to deal with Mary's death, your subsequent drug addiction and that phone call as well. In your dream you didn't follow up with the case that led to Mary's death."

He gave her a pained look. "I'm very glad about that. I'd very much rather not relive that over and over. Being present for it once was quite enough, especially knowing it was my fault." His hand tightened convulsively on hers.

"Honey, I know you still hold yourself responsible for what happened, but that woman was mad. She was already carrying a gun and I believe she had every intention of killing you to save herself. If Mary hadn't been there, you probably wouldn't be here now."

Sherlock turned his head slightly to kiss Molly's temple. "Perhaps." In his heart he knew she was right, but the pain of it would always be there nonetheless.

Molly yawned suddenly. "Why am I so sleepy all of a sudden?" She rubbed a hand across her eyes.

"Go and take a nap, sweetheart." He knew she had had a busy day at work and from what he had read, fatigue was common in early pregnancy due to to hormone changes.

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Care to join me?"

His lips twitched. "Tempting as the offer is, I doubt you would get any sleep if I joined you, so I think I might take some time for reading your diary again instead."

Molly pouted at him but then gave him a quick kiss and got to her feet. He could see the lines of fatigue around her eyes, and knew he'd made the right decision. Besides, if Molly had a rest now, she would be less likely to fall asleep on him later when it was time for them to enjoy their usual evening romantic pursuits.

He watched as Molly walked wearily towards the bedroom, then, as usual, picked up his reading glasses and put them on, took the diary, found the correct page and began to read.

…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/

January

Diary, I have the best news! John and Mary have had their baby! It was a bit unexpected, she wasn't due for another four weeks. This is the funny part though. Sherlock, with whom I have had no contact outside of work (and that only minimal), since that text where he said he didn't want to talk about what had happened with that Magnussen man, was the one who let me know. I must admit, my heart fluttered as it always does, when I heard a text alert come in and saw it was from him. I'm going to transcribe the exact conversation here because it was rather amusing - to me, not so much for Sherlock. Typical of Sherlock too, no greeting, just straight into the conversation. I'lll put comments in parenthesis on what I was thinking between each text:

SH: Thought it might interest you to know that John and Mary have had their baby. (Like I said, a bit of a surprise because the baby was early so I responded as follows)

ME: That's wonderful! Everything okay? Boy or girl? How did you find out? (I could see those dots that indicated he was responding and wow, what a response! Sherlock was obviously rattled, I've never received such a long text from him before)

SH: John and I had just returned from a case when his phone buzzed. As soon as he noted he had 59 missed calls it was rather obvious what was happening. We raced to his place in his car, making several traffic violations in the process. (No idea why he felt the need to share about the traffic violations, but that's Sherlock for you. Perhaps he was trying to mitigate his own responsibility in keeping John out so long and thus missing those calls, and was trying to prove he and John did their best to get to Mary after that as soon as possible? I'm no detective but that's my best guess. Actually, Mary and I had a conversation just yesterday and she complained about the way Sherlock was dragging John out on all these cases when she was getting closer to her due date. But, to continue...)

SH: Got Mary into the car and John began to drive to the hospital but we had to pull over before we got there. The baby did not want to cooperate and wait - girl, by the way. As a result, I have been traumatised with the image of a woman screaming bloody murder and a baby appearing from between Mary's legs. In fact, I may never recover.

We texted back and forth for a few more minutes, and Sherlock said that John and Mary were very tired and not up to visitors, so I thought I'd wait until Mary is home from the hospital to visit. I don't think I have ever had such a long text conversation with Sherlock before, so he was obviously rattled by everything that had happened and needed someone to express his feelings with about it.

Once we had stopped with our conversation, I couldn't help laughing a little. The idea of Sherlock being at the birth of any baby is quite hysterical. He's very clinical and calm when it comes to corpses, but I can well imagine him much preferring to see a baby all nice and clean after being born, not during. The poor love. I also thought it was rather funny that he was talking about how he felt, rather than understanding how much pain Mary was obviously in and sympathising with it. But, of course, that doesn't surprise me. Sherlock isn't really one for being able to put himself in someone else's shoes. He uses his brilliant observational skills to notice what others miss, but when it comes to noticing what is inside a person, not so much.

It's funny, I'll never forget when he told me I could see him. It was like he had this moment of clarity, where he knew I saw past the surface, yet he doesn't seem capable of being able to see beneath the surface himself. Although there was that one time, when he actually seemed to be making an effort to understand someone. I still remember it. It was on that day we spent together, when I was acting as his temporary assistant. There was a client who had come over to Baker Street with her stepfather, who was upset about the way her pen-pal's emails had stopped. Sherlock was holding her hands comfortingly and he said, (I can only remember this because my heart almost stopped when he gave me this rather intense look right after he said it.)

He said to the young woman in such a kind tone, "And you really thought he was the one, didn't you? The love of your life?" When Sherlock looked at me after he said that, it was almost as if he could actually see into my heart. In hindsight, I think that was the moment I started seriously doubting my engagement with Tom. But that isn't the point I'm trying to make here. What I'm trying to say is that I had never seen Sherlock act sympathetic before and my heart just about burst with emotion. So I guess he is capable of feeling sympathy, he does have a heart buried deep within him. I just wish I knew why he can't just embrace it. Sherlock Holmes is such a complex man. Perhaps that is why I continue to love him. There are so many layers to him and I do believe he has shed some of them over the years I've know him.

For example, the texts we shared today. The old Sherlock would never have spent so much time sharing anything with me, elaborating, so it does make me feel we've progressed somewhat in our relationship. But after 7 years of knowing him, it does give me pause for thought, that there is still so much he is holding back. Oh well, maybe in another 7 years he will have softened enough to open himself to love someone truly. I think it would change him completely if he knew and understood love properly. Even if it were with someone other than me, I wish for his happiness (much as it hurts me to say that). Perhaps that is why I continue to cling to the tiny shred of hope I have that one day he will see ME differently, love ME - because he hasn't fallen for someone else. If that happened, I'd have to give up on him once and for all.

Oh, now I have the words sung by Eponine in her song "On My Own" in Les Miserables running through my mind.

"On my own, pretending he's beside me

All alone, I walk with him till morning

Without him I feel his arms around me

And when I lose my way I close my eyes and he has found me."

And the end of the song "I love him, but only on my own."

Appropriate, don't you think? Oh darn it, now I'm starting to cry. Enough of the self-pity, Molly Hooper. You are stronger than this. Right, I think I'm going to conclude this diary entry now. It has been quite an essay. I must admit though, it is nice to have somewhere to place my thoughts and feelings when I don't have anyone I feel I can really confide in about my true feelings. it's a burden I must carry alone, just between God and me.

Wait, now I have this running through my mine, thank you for the reminder, God.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths."

Oh my darling, I believe this was your longest entry so far, well, perhaps the one where you talked about my funeral was longer, but this came close. I will need extra paper to respond to it. I'll just tear out some sheets from the back of your diary (thank goodness there are still some left), and insert them into your diary at this point.

Where do I begin to respond to this? I suppose I shall just address it bit by bit.

How clearly I remember that night when Mary gave birth. I found your words very insightful. I didn't think beyond my own feelings about what happened, you are correct. All I could think about was how irritating her screams were and how they were much louder than the ones I emitted under torture myself. I think you were right that I felt a little guilty about us not making it to the hospital. I didn't think at the time either of the miraculous nature of a child emerging from a woman's body, all I could think of was just how unpleasant it all was. As John would say, I was an utter cock about things.

Of course, now I look forward to that day with you, and in being present at the birth of our child. I do think that the experience of seeing Mary in pain is why I pushed so hard for you to have an epidural. I just don't want my wife to be in that kind of pain.

How insightful, the way you recalled that day when I said you could see me., and yet, I couldn't reciprocate. When I came to you that night, it was because you COULD see me that I had to come to you. It wasn't just that I needed your help, although that was certainly part of it. But part of it is that I needed to know that you knew I wasn't a fraud, that I was who I thought I was. Moriarty was messing with my mind and he had me doubting myself. Your validation and willingness to help me meant more to me than you will ever know. I know I've said this many times, but thank you for trusting me, even as I trusted you. How I love you, my sweet angel, sent from heaven for me.

Oh yes, the woman on the sofa with the snake of a stepfather. I did pity her, I must admit. it's true I didn't generally allow myself to be emotionally invested in a case, but she was so sad, so vulnerable. I don't really know why I looked at you after I said that, perhaps I was trying to show you I had the capacity for sympathy for another human being. I do know that subconsciously I was looking for validation from you that day that my time away had not reduced my deductive capabilities. If only I had explored the reasons behind my wanting to impress you, not that it would have made a difference at that time because you were engaged to someone else. I fear I am travelling into the land of "what if" as seems to be happening frequently since I began this diary!

Oh, my darling, you peeled the layers from me carefully, but Sherrinford ripped the rest off in one fell swoop and despite the agony of all those emotions that flooded through me, I do not regret it. Who knows how much longer it would have taken for you to expose me fully? I thank God it didn't take me another seven years of careful peeling by you. No other woman in the world would have had the patience you had with me, nor would anyone else have interested me in the slightest. If I was ever going to understand true love, it was always only going to be because of you, experiencing it with you.

When I read the lines to the song you wrote down, my heart ached to think of how you were feeling so alone. I will never permit you to feel you are on your own again, my love.

I've noticed how often you have found comfort in Bible passages. Your faith still astounds me, it humbles me.

I shall not read further today. It's time to wake you from your nap anyway. XOX

…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/…/

Sherlock walked into the bedroom and gazed at his sleeping wife, then looked over at the alarm clock. It was past nine already. If he woke her and they had a shower together, he could talk with her afterwards a little about the latest entry he had read and commented on, and by then it would be time to go to bed anyway.

So he undressed and then shook Molly gently. "Wake up, love. Would you like to share a shower with me and then we can get all cosy in bed together afterwards?"

She blinked up at him sleepily and then her eyes widened slightly. "I see you're already ready for your shower. Are you planning on us actually just showering this time, or having your way with me in the shower before we get into bed?" She raised an eyebrow and sat up in the bed.

Sherlock was treated to a view of of his apparently also ready-for-a-shower wife. There were definitely benefits to sleeping naked. His eyes sparkled. "Ladies choice." He leaned towards her, intending to brush his lips against hers.

Instead of getting up though, Molly pulled him down onto her. "I choose now, before the shower."

The warm invitation of her body called to him and he was only too eager to comply to her demands.

On this occasion, having temporarily appeased the fire that always burned between them, they showered together without further distraction, then returned to the comforts of their bed.

Once they were comfortably settled in it, Molly said, "How did the reading go this evening?"

"I would venture to say the entry I read was one of the longest one you made. It was several pages long. I even ended up taking your advice and tearing out a couple pages at the end of your diary so I could respond properly."

Molly's hand idly rubbed circles onto his chest before she responded. "That would have to be the one I wrote about John and Mary having their baby. Yesterday we were talking about all the events surrounding you almost having to leave the country."

Sherlock stilled her hand. When she trailed her fingers along his chest it always did things to him and he wanted to talk about that diary entry a little at least first. "You had a lot to say about it, love. Some very insightful comments too."

With her hand captured in his, her toes crept up his leg from ankle to knee, rubbing along it.

Obviously he was going to have to be quick if he wanted to give her his thoughts on what he had read. He quickly recounted his thoughts on what she had written about the lovelorn young woman.

Molly sighed then and stopped the movement of her foot temporarily. "That day will always haunt me as one that had so much potential to have changed things for us. I remember how very aware of you I was and how when you looked at me then, and again later, that my heart was not behaving as it should for someone who was just a friend. I really should have saved Tom the misery of those extra months of stalling because of my own confused feelings."

Sherlock shifted his body so he was facing her and released her hand so he could place his hand on her hip. "If I'd been aware of my own feelings then instead of repressing them, if I had known I wanted to be with you at that point, maybe you would have broken off your engagement because you were aware that I returned your feelings."

Molly's foot resumed its rubbing along his leg even as her hand reached up to touch his still damp curls. "Just think of what might have happened then, if I arrived at Baker Street that night without Tom, as a free woman."

"Mm." He suddenly felt like it was time to end the conversation and return to non-verbal communication. "Perhaps we can return to the land of 'what if' in our dreams, but for now-" he leaned into her and kissed her.

He was constantly amazed at how quickly his body could bounce back and be ready to indulge in the delights of Molly's sweet temptation. She was like one of those sirens who called to Odysseus in a book he had read many years earlier at secondary school. It was just as well Molly's temptation wasn't one that would have such devastating effects. He yielded to the flames rising once again within him and swept her away with him into their own personal piece of heaven.

Then, satisfied once more, he gave himself over to sleep and his mind took over, giving forth yet another dream from the land of "what if" as Molly's subconscious did the same. Oh yes, they definitely had a pre-disposition for these dreams, it would seem.

Author's note: I know, it has been months since I last published a chapter of the diary. I'm sorry for the long delay, but I did want to publish those dreams first to keep to my chronological timeline, especially because in this chapter Sherlock and Molly discuss those dreams. If you haven't read them, I hope I have piqued your curiosity enough to take a look.

This was a pretty hefty chapter in terms of insight through Molly's eyes about Sherlock in her diary. What did you think of it? This is my dad canon, that Sherlock was someone who found it difficult to put himself in someone else's shoes and have sympathy for their plight. That scene with the young woman always struck me as one that showed his time away had wrought some changes in him. I found it utterly sweet, the way he behaved towards her. Did you ever notice that?

I will resume this Diary in the new year. First I have two more dreams to publish, but in this instance, they are short ones. Sherlock's dream, From Revelations to Celebrations is only 2 chapters long and Molly's, From the Wrong Man tot he Right One" is 3 chapters. But before these stories I will be publishing my Christmas story for 2019. I know some of you have been looking forward to seeing my "real" characters again. The big story I had initially planned with my "real" characters to coincide with the summer and early fall was derailed by my father-in-law's passing after which I ended up writing my story about Loss instead. I do still plan to finish that one though and publish it sometime next year. The Christmas story is 4 chapters long which is why I want to start publishing it before Christmas to keep it timely for the season.

The scripture passage quoted in Molly's diary is Proverbs 3:5,6. (NKJV) I encourage you to also put your trust in Jesus as Lord and Saviour.

As always, follows, favourites and feedback are appreciated.