They flew back to Los Angeles and Jade was sent to a clinic so she would get the care she needed, both for her addiction and her illness. Her father paid for it, but he never went to visit so it was as it had always been: only her friends and Ana cared about her.
"How are you feeling?" Cat asked sweetly as they all sat in the living room of the clinic with her, but she was just staring at the window and shaking her foot anxiously.
"I need to get out of here" Jade said coldly.
"I know it's hard, but you've beaten the addiction before and you'll do it again" Ana affirmed.
"Easy for you to say" Jade responded angrily "This should be illegal, I'm old enough to make my own choices" she added.
"You're not thinking straight and you know it, honey" Ana said "I talked to your doctors, they say…"
"That I'm crazy, I know" Jade interrupted and took a breath to ease her nerves, she felt she was suffocating inside that room because she needed the drugs.
"No, you're not crazy" Beck clarified
"Right, because sane people see and talk to their dead mothers all the time" Jade commented sarcastically and rolled her eyes.
"You have a condition, it doesn't mean you're crazy" He responded.
"And your doctors say you've improved" Ana affirmed.
"They keep forcing me to take medication, so I guess they call that improvement, I hope you're happy" Jade said annoyed, she was just angry to be there and she wanted to get out. They knew it was her addiction talking, so they didn't really take any of her comments to heart but it was still sad for them to see her like that.
"You haven't blacked out again, have you?" Andre asked and she stared at him coldly for a few seconds, but then she looked down ashamedly.
"When?" Tori asked worriedly.
"In therapy, a few times" Jade explained "Or maybe not, maybe I imagined that too, who knows?" she added and took a deep breath as she tried to calm her anxiety.
"It's gonna be okay, love" Ana said and smiled sweetly, but Jade only wanted it to be over.
Jade stayed in the clinic for four months and then her psychiatrist allowed her to go back home under the condition that she attended her weekly sessions and took her medicine as prescribed. She'd been diagnosed with dissociative personality disorder and it'd been really hard for her to cope with it, but as time passed, she realized there had been little signs of it long before she started hallucinating her mother.
The truth was that even before she turned eighteen, Jade had experienced some blackouts, but they were isolated incidents where she'd found herself sleeping in bed or walking in a mall without knowing how she'd gotten there. Jade had felt confused about it, but she never paid too much attention to it, she imagined it was due to exhaustion and since it had only happened very few times over the years, she had never imagined it was an illness.
However, going to therapy and taking the treatment she'd been prescribed allowed her to lead a relatively normal life. Ana made sure she never missed her medication and going back home had made Jade feel a lot better, her overall mood improved because she was free and she was no longer surrounded by other patients, who made her feel she was crazy just like them.
"It's so nice to have you back" Tori said nicely.
"Thanks" Jade simply responded but she felt strange being around them again after all that time, they'd been visiting but it was different, back in the clinic they couldn't stay for too long.
"How are you feeling now that you're free?" Andre questioned.
"It's fine I guess" She said and looked down at her food, they were having lunch but she didn't feel like eating, she didn't even know if she felt like being there at all.
"You haven't seen your mom again?" Cat asked and Jade looked at her annoyed.
"I know you all think I'm crazy" She said upset "But they let me out for a reason, so stop asking me those stupid questions" she added.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" Cat started but she was cut off.
"You didn't mean to make me feel I should go back to the clinic?" Jade asked coldly.
"Take it easy, we are just trying to talk to you" Tori affirmed but Jade ignored her and simply continued playing with the fork in her salad.
"Has your dad come around again?" Andre asked to change the subject.
"No, he just sends me money to ease his guilt but it's as it has always been so…" Jade commented and then saw Beck coming to the table with a cup of coffee for her.
"Two sugars" He said nicely and she gave him a little smile, but she didn't feel comfortable around him anymore, he had been really supportive but she couldn't help to feel guilty and she was certain that he was with her out of compassion.
"Thanks" She simply said and took a sip.
"So, what has the doctor told you?" Beck asked curiously and she sighed.
"Apparently, this has to do with my childhood" Jade commented "I told you that my dad took me away from Lorraine when I was little, but I did live alone with her for years"
"How many?" Cat asked.
"Ana said it was four years, I was two when my dad left and six when he took me with him" Jade explained.
"But why did that cause you to…you know, change?" Tori asked confused.
"I was young and my therapist said I wasn't properly cared for, which makes sense since my mother spent her time drunk or high or sleeping with random men while I was locked up in a room by myself" Jade explained "He said I probably created a version of her in my mind that actually loved me and cared for me, because I had no one else"
"Oh my god, that's so sad" Cat admitted and Jade sighed.
"Well, it is what it is" She responded.
"But how come you never had any breakdown before?" Andre asked.
"He says it's probably because once I moved with my dad, I no longer had those emotional needs, I mean he always ignored me but I had a nanny who took care of me" Jade commented "So she was like my mom and I had her with me until I was fifteen, but the truth is I had blackouts before, I just never noticed them"
"What do you mean?" Beck asked curiously.
"I sometimes woke up in bed or I realized I was in a store, but I didn't remember how I got there, it happened a few times over the years" Jade admitted.
"And you didn't notice it?" Tori asked confused.
"A mental illness wasn't the first thing that came to mind" She responded annoyed "I thought I was tired or that I'd been distracted, it wasn't a big deal, but the point is the signs were there, it just wasn't so bad"
"So, you snapped because you moved back in with your mother, right?" Robbie asked and she nodded.
"Yeah, that…and the stress and the drugs, I guess, just everything" Jade said "He thinks the trigger was the night at the club…or my time in rehab or maybe before that, I don't know" She commented.
"But now that's under control, right?" Tori asked.
"I guess so, the medication helps" Jade simply said and took a breath sadly "But at the end of the day, it has no cure so it will never really end…"
Jade continued going to school and she was feeling better, she hadn't had any blackouts and she hadn't hallucinated her mother. It still felt surreal to know it all had been in her mind because her memories were vivid but being around her friends and going back to normality helped her to stay conscious and aware of her surroundings.
However, Jade didn't really know how to treat Beck, so she was distancing herself from him and he'd noticed it, he was confused but he kept trying to stay close because he loved her and he wanted their relationship to work, despite everything.
One day Jade was standing by the soda machine deciding what to get when Beck suddenly showed up behind her to scare her, so she flinched and turned around "I got ya" He said and smiled, but she simply looked back at the machine "What's the matter?" He asked confused.
"Nothing" Jade said but she didn't look at him.
"Which one do you want?" Beck asked nicely as he grabbed his wallet to pay for it.
"I…I don't know, probably none" She responded and tried to walk away but he stopped her.
"Wait, where are you going?" He questioned confused.
"Class" She said coldly and he sighed.
"Jade, what's happening? Why are you pushing me away?" Beck asked and she looked at him emotionlessly.
"I have class, Beck" Jade said and tried to walk away again but he grabbed her hand and took her into the janitor's closet.
"Class can wait" He said "We need to talk, I know these past few months have been horrible for you, but I don't understand why you keep pushing me away, what have I done? Why are you doing this?" Beck asked sincerely.
"You know perfectly well why" Jade said.
"No, I don't" He responded "I've been trying to be there for you, but you don't let me"
"This isn't about you" She commented.
"Then what is it?" Beck asked and Jade looked down.
"You know what I did, Beck, you know how I got out of the city and Cat told me how you found me" She responded and he immediately understood, he hadn't thought she'd be the one to step back because of that "I was a prostitute"
"No" He immediately said.
"I traded sex for favors and money, that's the definition of prostitution" She responded coldly.
"You were ill, Jade, you had no control over it" He affirmed and she sighed.
"Maybe when I thought I was Lorraine…but not when I took the rides" Jade admitted as her eyes filled with tears and she looked down ashamedly.
"What?" Beck asked confused.
"I knew what I was doing, I thought Lorraine was there and she told me to do it and I was scared but I did it anyway and if she never existed, then that means I told myself to do it" Jade explained and more tears streamed down her cheeks but he shook his head.
"No, listen to me" He said and held her face gently "I saw the tape, I saw what happened and you did not do it willingly" Beck affirmed "That bastard saw you talking to no one and he realized you were ill, he took advantage of that because you were alone and you were an easy prey, you did not agree to it and I'm sure the same happened with others, so you don't have to feel guilty about it" He commented and she looked at him disconcertedly.
"I cheated on you, Beck, I betrayed you!" Jade exclaimed.
"No, you didn't" He affirmed "You didn't have the ability to make a rational choice because you weren't okay" He commented as he wiped her tears away "Is that why you've pushed me away? You thought I was angry with you?"
"You have the right to be" She responded but he only smiled and shook his head.
"I could never blame you for something you had no control over" Beck said and she stared at him surprised "I love you and I just want you to be okay, I want us to be okay, I want us to be like before" He said and pushed some hairs behind her ear.
"I don't think that's a good idea" She admitted as she stepped back and he looked at her confused.
"Why not?" He asked
"Even if you're not mad about what I did, I'm mentally ill, Beck, do you know understand that? Do you realize what it means?" Jade asked as a tear streamed down her cheek.
"Of course I do" Beck said but she shook her head.
"No, you don't…I have to take medication every single day, I have to keep a diary of everything I do to make sure I'm not missing any time, I have to do memory exercises, I have to do many things I didn't do before…" She commented sadly.
"I know that, Jade and I don't care, you're still you" He affirmed.
"Am I? Really?" She asked and looked to the side "I don't feel that, I don't feel I'm the same person I was before all of this happened and it's not your responsibility to take care of me" She commented and he shook his head.
"No, it's not" Beck said and she nodded "And it's not necessary, you're taking fantastic care of yourself now, you're doing so much better and I'm really proud of you" He added with a little smile.
"Yeah, but if things changed…" Jade said.
"If things changed, then I would gladly take care of you, because I love you" Beck affirmed and she stared at him shocked, she had not expected that reaction from him after everything "I know I might've given you reasons to doubt my feelings in the past, but I mean it, I love you and I want to be with you, I don't care how"
"Really?" Jade asked incredulously, she didn't know what to think.
"Yes" Beck responded sharply and held her hands "I want us to be happy again, I know we can"
"I wouldn't be so sure…" She admitted.
"I love you and I know you love me, so let's just leave all this behind us" He said
"I can't leave who I am behind" Jade said upset "I wish I could, but nothing will ever erase what I did and what I am"
"What happened is not who you are" Beck affirmed "And your illness isn't either, you're so much more than that" He added and she looked down.
"Do you really mean all of this? Or are you just saying it because you feel bad for me?" Jade asked sincerely but he simply smiled and kissed her sweetly, so she closed her eyes and kissed him back.
"I mean it, I love you" Beck said as he broke the kiss and wiped her tears away again "So please, stop being so stubborn" He added and she chuckled, so he kissed her again and then they hugged.
"I love you too" Jade said as they hugged and he broke the hug to kiss her again, then he opened the door and of the closet and held her hand, she simply took a breath and he smiled at her.
"Now we can go to class"
THE END!
I hope you guys enjoyed the story, sorry for the last late updates.
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Also, I'm kind of busy right now so I probably won't post another story for a while but please DO give me ideas for when I get the time to write! :)