AN: Log: 19/07/19 started to plot this chapter. 29/07/19 began writing the first part...It kinda didn't work out to help this part written faster. Sorry :/ had another hectic months :( And I kept changing everything :()

Thanks for commenting again guys, much appreciated. and yes, Sxraa I have taken too long for the last one to come out which makes it confusing for people to remember the plot, and I'm sorry about that. When I first started this in May 2017 I was writing chapters every month or two but the last ones have been hard to write. I'm trying harder with this one. Promise!

Disclaimer: JK Rowling is Santa and we are her Reindeer

Chapter 18 - "Only love can hurt like this..." - Paloma Faith

(Waiting)

"So, what time shall I pick you up, Evans?" The Head Boy asked, nonchalantly, as he perched next to her on the windowsill. He was late, as usual.

"Piss off, I'm talking to—"

"Why haven't you been answering my question?"

"Because it's irrelevant."

"Irrelevant?"

"Slughorn's bloody party isn't for another week."

"I just want to make it clear that we're going together."

"Potter, everybody in the bloody school knows thanks to your big mouth."

He said, with a proud smile. "Don't you think we should drop calling each other by surnames?"

"Why?"

"Now that we are dating—"

She jumped off of the ledge and pushed him away. "We are not dating!"

"But what you said in the Owlery about being together —You've done everything with me. There are only a few things left."

"Keep your voice down. What are you saying?"

The crowded Charms corridor chatter became quieter. Eyes turned their way. Prying ears perked up.

James suddenly gasps, before turning away from her covering himself with his hands. "Your idea of dating must be very different to mine."

Lily sighed, feeling the pressure behind her eyes. "You're giving me a headache."

"And me." Mooney yawned as he stretched his arms above him.

Mary slapped his arm. "Shush, Remus. We were getting to the good part. What did you tell him in the Owlery?"

"Nothing. Nothing." Lily flustered, waving her hands in front of her. "He's j-ju-just making it up, like usual."

"Then why are you stuttering?"

"I'm nervous about—"

"James?"

"If you'd given him a straightforward answer, Lils, all of this could have been over with." Marlene stated.

Emmeline and Peter began to join in on the conversation. She couldn't understand what any of them were saying, it all mumbled into one. It felt like they were closing in around her, verbally poking at all the insecurities, wiggling their way into her brain. She needed to breath.

"Guys, I don't need this before my Patronus exam." The Head Girl stated, nervously checking her watch. Phillipa Pennyfield, the last of Ravenclaw's seventh years, had finished a few minutes ago. "Shouldn't Black be here by now? Isn't he next?"

"Well, did you see how quickly Dippet ran out of there?" Mary began, her eyes shifted between her friends. "I bet she couldn't do it."

"How did you work that out?"

"There are only two reasons someone will run out of that door and one is because they couldn't do a Corpereal Patronus."

"What's the other one?"

"Isn't it obvious, Evans? They don't like the animal it becomes. It wouldn't surprise me if Dippet's was a snake."

"Mary!"

"What? She spelled you in the back, remember?"

The classroom door opened with a creak. The Defence Against the Dark Art's Professor looked up and down the corridor. "Black? Has anyone seen Mr Black?"

Everyone shook their heads.

Scamander looked at the floating clipboard and hummed. "Let's not waste anymore time. Miss Evans, as you are after Black on the list, we will start Gryffindor House with you, if that is alright?"

She nodded. Her nerves wouldn't allow her to speak.

"It's alright, Evans." James said, patting her on the back. "You've got this."

The Head Girl smiled back at him before walking away. Scamander pushed the door further back. "After you."

The Charms classroom had never looked so ominous. Shutter had been placed over the windows, only allowing a streak of light through. Flitwick and Scamander stood at the front of the classroom, with a silver bird and a hippogriff by their sides. Behind them, floating menacingly, was a dementor. The more she stared into it's hooded face, the harder it became to keep her happy memory.

"Lily," Scamander began. "In our practice lessons we have been using bogarts, however the Ministry have kindly bestowed us with a dementor—"

Fear poured into mind.

"—for optimum conditions. The Minister himself has ensured that this particular one is perfectly safe."

She couldn't see how.

"If at any point you feel like you can't continue , we will end the test. Is that—"

Thwack! The classroom door opened with an almighty thud. It woke her from her trance. "Sorry I'm late, Professors." Sirius panted as he entered. He looked out of it and even more unkept that usual.

"Mr Black, we are conducting an examination."

He glared at the door. "Sorry sir, no one told me—"

"Miss Evans has kindly taken your place. You will have to wait until the end of Gryffindor House for yours. You must wait outside."

"No, it's fine." Lily said, suddenly. "He can stay."

"It would be better if he—"

"It will be alright, Theseus." Professor Flitwick interrupted, almost with a scoff. "Sirius."

"Yes, sir?" Padfoot nodded.

"Sit at the back. Quietly."

He nodded once more before retreating backwards into a seat.

Professor Scamander coughed. "The test will begin whenever you are ready, Miss Evans."

Was she ready? Would she have been ready even if she had managed a corporal Patronus? All she could so was nod and hope for the best.

"Remember, Lily," Flitwick smiled as his Patronus and the silver Hipporgriff moved aside, "to remain calm."

The Dementor was flustered, for a moment. Being free from the Professor's Patronus' disorientated it. It was her chance to get the charm right, her only chance before her happy memory disappeared.

But with every second of hesitation, the dementor gained back it's power. If Lily thought the room was cold before, it now became freezing. Was it her imagination or was her breath visible in the darkness?

"Ex-e-expecto Patronum." She muttered, shyly as she looked the thing in it's hooded emptiness.

Her wand vibrated a silver mist but soon died back down.

Come on, Evans, stick with the happy thought. Picture it. Make it more real.

She thought about her family, friends, her lessons, everything that had made her who she was. A chuckle from her father, the first time she rode the boat across the Great Lake, how Severus taught her potions, James' hand caressing hers.

Yet they began to turn into all the malicious comments she'd heard over the years from her sister and Slytherin members. The time Snape had called her a mudblood. Was the Dementor's presence darkening her mind?

The dementor moved suddenly.

Once more she tried to conjure the charm but was unsuccessful. How could she create happiness in a room where there was none?

It swayed closer and closer to her. She could see the bony fingers protrude from the ragged sleeve. It was inches away, it's icy breath hissing in her face, yet it bypassed her. Lily turned watching it move to the back of the room.

Back of the room?!

No, she thought as memories came to her head. From their first obnoxious encounter on the train to them sharing dysfunctional family stories. There was always a laugh, a smile with him. Her mind wondered to the future with him nearby - at graduation, at a wedding, by her hospital bed side holding something in his arms. Not Sirius.

"Expecto Patronum!" The Head Girl shouted as a tear trickled from her eye. Her wand exploded. A silver form charged towards the dementor in a galloping stride, knocking it out of its path. It stood in front of Sirius, stable and proud. Black looked at her with wide eyes and a wary smile.

"Bravo, Miss Evans." Scamander clapped, as his and Flitwick's patronus' took over the control of the dementor. "Excellent work. I don't think we've ever had a—"

Her Patronus looked at her, it's large almond eyes bore into her sole. It cautiously wandered over to her, and with every step, the more Lily's heart fell into her stomach.

"—doe before."

She exhaled sharply, a sound got stuck in her throat. She reached out to the side to grab onto a pew. Everything was unbearably painful.

"Lily, are you alright?" The voice of the concerned Charms Professor asked.

A doe, she thought looking at it one more time. It was closer to her. She could of reached out and touched it, but couldn't. It seemed alien, otherworldly. She wanted it to go away, disappear forever, and with that thought, it did. There was no more silver doe to taunt her, but she could never forget it.

This can't be happening.

The Head Girl rushed over to the back of the room, her wand raised, ready.

"Evans—" Sirius began, before shutting up. Her wand was millimetres away from his eye.

"You keep your mouth shut, Black." The redhead said, confidently. Yet as soon as those words came out of her mouth, her expression changed. What was she doing with her wand at her friends face, who moments ago gave her a happy memory? Was she to obliviate him?

Lily cursed at herself as she decided to leave the room. Black followed her and placed his hand on the door. "Lil—"

She turned back, her hand turning the handle. Her voice barely above a whisper. "Don't tell him, please."

He moved his hand away.

The Head Girl nodded, opening the door. James was there in the doorway, a wide smile on his face.

Another sound of pain escaped her before she ran down the corridor. She could hear him call after her. Her heart seemed to empty with every stride she took to get away from him.

(Confusion)

Where is it? Where is it? She thought as she crashed into her room.

It was rhetorical. The thing hadn't left it's position, on her chest of draws, since she'd created it. The potion had peeked her curiosity enough to keep it, to observe it, yet as soon as her eyes saw it's pearlescent liquid it seemed to eek into her mind, like a poison. Lily snatched it and took it to the bathroom.

The smell of treacle tart, old books and pine trees wafted into her nose as she uncorked the vile vial. They weren't soothing anymore. In heist, she poured it down the sink but still felt the same. It's disappearance did not heal her aching heart or pounding headache, for it did not go away: the smell still lingered.

She spluttered, coughed, as she stumbled out of the contaminated room into another one. His pyjama top, which he frequently forgets to take, was hanging on her bed post; his Arthimancy homework, a couple of parchment pieces, his missing broom. Little reminders of him were everywhere. How had so not noticed them all creeping in before?

"Urgh." The Head Girl mumbled as she collected all of his belongings, ready to throw them out.

It wasn't until she got to her desk that she stopped and sat down. His Christmas present was bubbling away next to an item she was starting to regret keeping.

xxx - JP.

It was crumpled, worn out, damaged. The ink had faded. Her eyes hurt as if she was suddenly tired. Her legs numbed. How could a few tiny scratches on a piece of torn parchment make her crumble to the floor?

Does love come suddenly like this?

Knock, knock.

A faint sound came from her mouth. Had she been in a daze? Had she dreamt something? Why was it suddenly darker in her room?

Knock. Knock.

"We know you're in there, Love." Sirius spoke, his voice sounded out of breath. "We've got the map."

Lily responded after a while. "Is he with you?"

"Do you think we are that stupid"

"It's already open."

Click.

It was carefully pushed open. Sirius' head peeked in, searching around the room. I wasn't until Remus stepped into the room did they notice her on the floor feeling ashamed and embarrassed about herself. The water in her eyes stung.

"Lily, what are you doing on the floor?" Sirius asked, as he joined her.

Click.

"Why are you locking the door?"

"Do you think Prongs is going to knock on the door?" Mooney replied, sniffing.

"Do you think he'll come up here?" Lily asked, naively. Her brain began to panic. She could not see him today, or tomorrow, or ever.

"Well, er, you did leave the classroom in a bit of a rush, Lils. Sirius did his best to stop James from following after you."

"The bloody git wouldn't leave me alone. I would have been straight up here after my exam finished."

"We just want to know if you're alright?" Remus sniffed the air, once again. "Why does your room smell like...What have you done with the Amortentia?"

"It's not like she drank it, Moons."

Lily sagged her head. "I flushed it."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I was just...mad and did it. I've collected up all his things too." They were right next to her, in a chaotic mess. "Oh Merlin, I even kept this stupid thing." The note lay in her hands like a delicate flower.

"You kept this?"

"You must think I'm stupid."

"Lily," Remus said softly, reaching out to her shoulder.

"Don't. Please."

"I'm sure all of this is a lot to take in. We just want—"

"How can I be okay, Remus? Things can't go back to the way they were. I can't sit next to him anymore, and he sure as hell can't come in here...I don't even think I can look at him with out it...Argh, he's going to figure out something's wrong."

"He doesn't have to find anything out. We're not going to tell him."

Sirius draw a cross over his heart. "Trust us. Our lips are sealed."

A little smile formed on her face before it disappeared once more. "Do you think anyone else will figure it out?"

"Love, they'd have to be a psychic."

Lily recalled her friend's theories from earlier. She'd done exactly that. "Mary will know."

"I wouldn't worry about it. She—"

Her stomach began to hurt again. "Merlin, Mary's been teasing me about Potter since fifth year. It can't be from that long ago, can it?"

"What can't?"

But she wasn't listening. Her thoughts kept transpiring. "I-I...I must have had feelings for him when he'd given me that note because I wouldn't have kept it otherwise, but that was ages ago, the Amortentia was ages ago."

"You don't know when it started?"

"I hadn't even contemplated fancying him, let alone being—How can I be in love with him?"

The two Marauders became uneasy. They had a secret to uphold that could help her, yet their trust in one another was too sacred for them to say.

"Oh sweet, sweet love—" Sirius hummed.

"This isn't the time for jokes, Black."

"When is? Lily, does it matter if you're in love with Prongs?"

"Of course it does. I thought he was the one person in the world I least wanted to be with. He's just so... annoying."

"Now, now, Love, if that was true would you have let him sleep in your bed?"

Heat flushed across her cheeks.

"Or would you have even agreed to go to Slughorn's Christmas party with him?"

"I—I...You..." Her eyes widened. "Urgh, have I really been this stupid?"

"Who else could the Amortentia have been for?"

She let out a soft laugh of disbelief. There was no other guy. There hadn't been for some time.

When did I fall so deeply under his spell?

A strange metallic vibration quietly hissed. She looked in the direction of Remus who was taking something out of his pocket. The noise got louder as he opened the small mirror.

"Psst, Psst."

"What is it, Wormtail?"

"The stag has left the—"

Knock...knock. "Lily?"

She bolted up.

"It's alright." Sirius whispered as he took her hand, in a calm manner, before he took the mirror from Remus, angrily. "You were meant to call us as soon as he came out of that fucking room."

"I had to hide somewhere, Filch was about."

This could not be happening. What was she to do? How could she face him? Her eyes glazed over, her breathing picked up...was she pacing? Possibly.

Lupin closed the magical device and stood up. His eyes were full of compassion and understanding. "Calm down—"

"How, Remus? The bloody git is outside my room. I can't see him right now."

"We will deal with it then."

"No!" Evans said, loudly, before covering her mouth. Had he heard? Black had got up, placed her behind the door, his hand hovered over the handle. What was she going to do? What could she do? "Are you going to tell him?"

"Lily are you alright?" James asked again.

"Wait." Mooney said, quickly. "Lily, the present."

"Shit." She muttered before raising her wand and casting an invisible charm around it. "Guys, I don't think I can do this. I can't see him."

"Stay behind the door."

Evans did as they said. She stayed hidden while the two of them opened the door. "What do you want?" Black asked, nonchalant.

"Pads, Mooney, why are you—Are you not gonna let me in?"

"No can do, mate. Lily isn't feeling very well."

"Why? Did something happen?" His concern squeezed her heart. There was a scuffle. She could see him through the crack in the door join. Was even just this sliver of him too much? "Let me see her."

"We've given her chocolate. She'll be fine." Remus explained.

Sirius, on the other hand, took a more childish approach. "She doesn't need you here."

"But she needs you two?"

"For crying out loud," Lily mumbled to herself. She walked out from behind the door. "I don't need any of you here."

"Lily, are you —"

"I'm fine, James." Her voice wobbled. "I'm just tired."

"Do you want me to get you anything? Something to eat? Something from the Hospital Wing?"

She shook her head. Words were escaping her with every second she stood in front of him. "I just want to go to bed."

"We'll see you later then, Love." Sirius winked as he walked passed, carrying a variety of James' possessions.

"Make sure you have some more chocolate before bed." Remus concluded, patting her on the shoulder.

"Hey, isn't that my—" James began, pointing at Padfoot's arms.

"Come on, Prongs, Evans doesn't need your stuff in her room."

"Oh, okay, sorry. Lily, are you sure you—"

"James, I'm—"

A set of squabbling voices cut her off. Mary, Emmeline, Marlene made their way passed the three lads, as if they were ghosts, too invested in whatever conversation they were having. Lily locked eyes once more with James, wishing she had to courage to speak to him.

James, I'm still too unworldly and have so much to learn. So even if what i feel is love, its too much for me to deal with right now.

She could finally breath again. Had she been holding her breath in?

"—worry about it. They said you could redo it at the start of the new year."

"It's easy for you two to say. You managed to do it."

"Fleming and Green couldn't do it either."

"Vance, that's not much of a consolation. Those two idiots couldn't—"

"That's not nice, Mar—"

"Why are you standing by the door, Lils?"

The Head Girl shook her head to wake herself up. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Did I miss something?"

Mary patted the cushion next to her. "Did you ask Sirius about what happened to Dippet?"

"Huh?"

"Come on, MacDonald," Marlene scoffed. "Like Evans remembered to ask. She's had more important things to worry about than bloody gossip. You haven't even asked her how she is?"

"Have you?"

"Of course, I did—"

Lily faded way out of the conversation and into the background. In her head, she was cursing at herself.

Why didn't I ask them if James would like me back?