Coincidences
Chapter 16
As Mike suspected, Kaitlyn's birthday hit him hard. Getting out of bed was even hard. He had wanted to put on a brave face for his family, but it become increasingly difficult as the day wore on. He was shocked when Sarah walked in just before supper. It felt good to hug her. If things had been normal and Kaitlyn was still alive, she would have been just about a year and a half younger than Henry and Sarah. That hurt.
Henry, Sarah and Hannah had meant well, and Mike appreciated everything they had tried to do, but Mike just wanted to be alone. He didn't want his kids to see his tears. He barely wanted Joanie to see them, and she seemed to instinctively know. She helped Mike get Henry ready for bed and got his water for him. After she left the room, Mike tucked the blanket closer around Henry's chest.
"Dad, I'm sorry. I thought having Sarah here would help." Henry said.
"It did. If she wasn't here, I would have missed her." Mike said.
"But it didn't really help anything either." Henry said.
"I'm not sure much would have, but you meant well, and I know that. Don't worry about it. Tomorrow will be better." Mike said. Joanie had walked back in and put Henry's book on the nightstand, where he could reach it.
"Hannah and Sarah are both ready for bed if you want to say goodnight, Mike." Joanie said. She bent down and gave Henry a kiss on the cheek, being a bit freer in displays of affection than Mike.
"Of course. Son, if you need anything; just yell. Thank you for trying to make today better for me. I do appreciate it. Having you kids made it a lot more bearable than what it would have been." Mike said. He patted Henry's shoulder before leaving Joanie and Henry alone.
"Sweetie, its bound to just be a bad day. You made the day better. It could have been a lot harder for him. You did just fine. He was around the people he loves the most." Joanie said.
"You and the girls. I don't think he's there with me yet. I have done everything I could to undermine the relationship." Henry said.
"He loves you too. If he didn't, he wouldn't have been so hurt when you deployed without saying goodbye, or stayed with you at the hospital, or helped you since you came home. He just isn't great at admitting he loves someone but rest assured; he loves you." Joanie said.
"He doesn't have much trouble with Hannah or Sarah. I don't mean to sound jealous, but…" Henry said and then yawned.
"No worries. Just get some sleep. Like your dad said, yell if you need us. We all love you, Henry." Joanie said. She gave him another kiss and then left him to read. Mike had given both girls goodnight hugs, holding Hannah a bit longer. She was his one connection to Kaitlyn, Lucas and Christine. As much as he loved Joanie, Henry and Sarah, sometimes he needed the connection. Thankfully, Hannah understood and just buried her face into his shoulder. He loved her sweet personality.
Once Sarah and Hannah were in bed, instead of watching TV, Mike went straight to bed. It wasn't that he was particularly tired, but Joanie was working on a commission painting and Mike needed the privacy. He picked up one of the pictures of Kaitlyn from his dresser, a baby picture and sat down at the end of the bed.
There was no stopping the tears once they started. He loved his kids with every part of his heart. No, he hadn't been a very attentive husband, but he tried his hardest to be a good dad. He hadn't known about Henry and Sarah, so for the longest period of time, Kaitlyn was his firstborn. The first baby that had stolen a piece of his heart, the first baby he'd ever held or loved. He remembered talking to her when he called Christine from the Arctic. The fear and pain in Kaitlyn's voice had been obvious to Mike. He had told her to be brave for her mom and sister and that he loved her. Now, he had wished he had made that clearer. The conversation had only lasted a minute before Hannah grabbed the cellphone, but it was a minute that would stay with Mike for the rest of his life.
He had hugged the picture to him and didn't hear Joanie come in until she sat down next to him and wrapped her arms around him. Somehow, despite being quite a bit smaller than him, she pulled him to where his head was laying on her chest.
"No one cries in this house alone. It's a rule." Joanie said as she massaged his neck. Instead of arguing with her about privacy, he just surrendered and let the tears out. She didn't seem to mind and seemed to understand.
"It just hurts so bad. I want to hug her one more time. Hear her voice. Tell her that I love her, but I can't. I know I should be thrilled to have Hannah back and to have Henry and Sarah, but I just miss Kaitlyn and Lucas." Mike admitted finally. He pulled away, and Joanie handed him her box of tissues from her nightstand.
"I wish I could make this better for you. I can't. But what I can do is hold you and let you have your moments and days. I know you wanted privacy, but I hated you being alone. The kids didn't hear you. I checked. They are all sound asleep." Joanie said.
"Yeah, but you had a painting to finish." Mike said.
"I'm at a stopping point. Let's go to bed." Joanie said.
"Nice invitation." Mike joked.
"Mike; maybe tonight is not a good day to ask, but…" Joanie started and then shook her head.
"What?" Mike asked.
"Its just…I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Its for my birth control. I'm thirty-nine and still need it, but…" Joanie stuttered, obviously struggling.
"Yes?" Mike encouraged.
"I just…I always wanted to be a mom, but I was never in the right relationship. I love Henry, Sarah and Hannah, just like my own; but I have always wanted to carry a baby, give birth and have that connection. This might be a deal breaker for you though." Joanie said.
"You want to not stay on your birth control?" Mike asked.
"I don't. I don't even know if you…can you father another child? We should have talked about this before now." Joanie admitted.
"I can. I just…never thought about having another child." Mike said.
"And you don't want to?" Joanie said as she stood up. Mike also stood up and put his arms around her before she could get away.
"Could you give me tonight? I won't necessarily say no, but…I just need to think. Please?" Mike begged.
"I knew I should have talked to you before now or waited. Excuse me." Joanie said. She wiggled out of his arms and walked into the bathroom. She slammed the door behind her, and Mike sat back down on the bed.
It wasn't that Mike didn't want another child. He was just terrified of losing another one. It was a paralyzing fear for him. But he also remembered how Christine had lit up when she become a mother. Could he deny that to Joanie? It would hardly be fair. Before he convinced himself to do something else, he got up, walked into the bathroom and opened the shower door where Joanie was showering. He threw her a towel and allowed her a moment to cover herself.
"I remember what Christine was like the first time she held Kaitlyn. She was so happy. And when she had Hannah and Lucas, she was no different. I am petrified of losing another child, but I had to ask myself if I was prepared to deny you that due to my fears. I'm not. If it's a baby you want, after everything you've done for me; then we'll have a baby." Mike said.
"But I want you to love our baby too. I don't think we should have a baby simply because of what I've done for you or because you want me to have this." Joanie said. She had climbed out of the shower and wrapped her robe around herself.
"I have no doubt that I will love any baby we have." Mike argued.
"Are you absolutely sure?" Joanie asked.
"I am." Mike said, and Joanie immediately gave him a long kiss. Despite having her robe on, she was still wet from her shower.
"I should probably dry off." Joanie said.
"I could help you with that." Mike suggested. Joanie laughed and slapped his hand away.
"Give me a moment. You took me by surprise." Joanie said before pushing him out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. Mike put Kaitlyn's picture back on his dresser and got ready for bed. Finally, Joanie appeared, wearing a very sheer nightgown in pale blue.
"Wow. You look amazing." Mike said before giving her a kiss.
"I wondered what you would think. Figured I would change up my t-shirt and flannel pajama pants a bit." Joanie said.
"I don't mind those, but I really love this." Mike told her. He was very gently pushing her towards the bed.
"I knew you would. Mike; I hope I didn't upset you too much with the baby talk? My timing was bad." Joanie said.
"Its alright. There wouldn't have been a good day to talk about it but let's stop talking about it and do something about it." Mike said as he picked her up and gently laid her down on the bed, giving her kisses the entire time. For the first time that day, Kaitlyn was far from his mind.