A/N: So I played the Citadel DLC recently. I won't be too spoilery for those who haven't, but Tali sings to you at one point and I have to say it was the best damn thing I've ever heard in my entire life.
But back to this story. A couple of people are wondering about the wedding, which will be in the next five
chapters or so. I haven't quite figured it out yet.
Anyway, bit of a dark chapter, but I really wanted to explore Shepard's past and found this strangely fun to write.
**Chapter 14: The Dead Stand Tall in Troubled Minds**
"John? Honey?"
His eyes re-focused, and he saw his mother staring at him worriedly. The memories of screams left his ears, and in their wake left a throbbing pulse just behind his eyes.
"Yes?"
"Are you listening to me?" she asked gently.
His brows drew together, and she touched his arm. They stood in the mess, but it was so early that it was vacant. He hadn't been able to sleep—even after a couple of very sleepless hours with an insistent Tali—and had found that his mother had shared his insomnia, sitting at a table with a cup of coffee.
She smiled at him. "The colonists are waiting, John. Hackett sent me a message saying that they're completely ready for you."
"Mm." he grunted, moving away from her and looking through the kitchen cupboards to keep his hands busy.
"It'll be hard... but you'll get through it." she placed a comforting hand on his turned back, knuckles pressing into his shoulder blade, which made him smile faintly.
The injuries he'd sustained on Akuze had been bad. most notably was the scar that ran the length of his back, the legacy of a snapped support cable attached to the prefabs, unleashed by the rumbling earth of monsters below. After, he'd have nightmares and flashbacks, his back seizing up in phantom agony of a long-remembered wound. His mother had gotten into the habit of pressing her knuckles gently down his spine in passing to ease knotted muscles, something that had become a comforting gesture, however gruesome a reminder it may be.
He turned to look at her. "I know. But I've spent so long getting over it... I don't want it to come back again."
She smiled, touching his stubbled cheek. "Sometimes I look at you and wonder how you've grown so fast. Every time I turn around you seem to look a little older. But you've just got to open this wound one more time, sweetie. After that... you don't have to grow any older. Just be happy with your wife."
He smiled at her, this one reaching his eyes. "Yeah. She's... Tali's... great. You... what do you think of her?"
"She's adorable." Hannah replied, grinning. "Tiny thing couldn't stand still when I talked to her. But she's sweet and kind, and I like her."
She saw John's eyes light up, but he hid any emotion at her words quickly. His reaction made her smile to herself as she realised just how much her approval meant to him, and she gestured for him to sit at the table. "Sit down. I'm going to make you breakfast."
He did so with a grin. "You can try. Everything on this ship is freeze-dried and reconstituted."
"It was the same on every other Alliance ship that I made you breakfast on. Now shut up and drink your coffee." she handed him a fresh cup, watching his face transform, a face that only a caffeine-deprived marine being handed salvation could pull off.
Tali watched him carefully, chest tightening with anxiety every time she looked at him.
She heard that they'd be detouring to Akuze for a small memorial, and now the crew sat in the shuttle being flown to the planet, everyone quiet.
Yet Shepard was the quietest of them all. He'd become increasingly subdued as they'd neared Akuze, and now he barely moved, making him appear almost set in stone if it weren't for the occasional rise and fall of his chest.
The shuttle rumbled as it entered the atmosphere and she saw John shudder. She placed a hand on his knee, but if he realised that she'd touched him he didn't show it.
His hand reached up to his forehead, a finger running over the scar that cut into his hairline. Tali had always wondered how he'd gotten it, but he never offered any information and she didn't want to upset him by asking.
Kasumi, however, had no such aversion. "You get that scar here, Shep? I sorta wondered how you'd gotten it."
To her surprise, Shepard smiled a little. "Yeah. Nothing heroic or anything. I went to duck behind a crate to avoid some acid and I smashed my face off a loose piece of metal. Murphy saw it—stupid bastard found time to laugh at me for a good minute, even in the middle of..." he gestured vaguely towards the shuttle door, presumably of what lay beyond it.
"Hell?" The thief asked.
"Yeah."
It was quiet after that, but Tali thought that he didn't look quite so still now. She silently thanked Kasumi for her inadvertent supply of strength, and hoped that it would help Shepard with what would come next.
"We're here, sir." Cortez said from his seat in the tiny cockpit of the shuttle.
Shepard nodded to the man, feeling the vehicle touch down on the earth. He stood up, rolling his shoulders in what had become a familiar gesture to Tali. He did it after waking up from a bad dream, as if stretching old scars would prove to him that what he woke up from was, in fact, just a nightmare.
But now, now he was entering one.
He stepped out of the shuttle, eyes flicking around to the sight that greeted him.
They hadn't changed it much. Other than the notable absence of Thresher Maws, Akuze seemed almost exactly as it had been all those years ago. The buildings were still teetering precariously on bent metal supports, snapped cables still lying in the dust. And the gaping holes in the earth were still present, with caution tape placed around each of them.
Screams, the smell of boiling blood as acid hit flesh, the taste of sweat and dirt in his mouth, grit in his eyes. The horrible, burning agony of his back, a tumble to the earth. Images, tastes, smells, sounds, all bombarded him at one moment, freezing him in place as he watched ghosts dance before his eyes.
No, this place hadn't changed at all. Not really.
He couldn't do this. If he stayed in front of these colonists, these strangers, he'd break down and they'd all see him bared to the world, inner demons clawing their way up his throat. The pressure on his chest increased and his heart sped. The edges of his vision began to blur as he stared at nothing, stared at phantoms.
A hand on his shoulder. A soft, accented voice saying his name softly. A light that flooded his darkening vision and allowed him the control of his muscles once more.
He turned to look at her, and saw Garrus and his mother standing behind her. Their eyes held only encouragement, and the weight on his lungs suddenly didn't seem quite so great. He gave them a short nod, turning back to look at the Hell he'd escaped.
He noticed other things now as he began to move forward. Small pathways to parts of the battlefield had been made, and he saw that pieces of rock were sticking up from the ground. With a start he realised they were tombstones, marking where each marine, each friend and husband and daughter and father and sister had fallen.
Some of the colonists were looking around the area with grim interest, all standing at attention when he walked by them. He heard his crew moving around behind him, some veering off to quietly explore. He saw families and friends gathering around the graves, some of whom he recognized. He hadn't been able to bring himself to simply inform families of their loved one's death with a message, so he'd gone to each one of their homes, telling them in person what had happened.
Aside from the destruction, the place seemed oddly, grimly peaceful. Green grass swayed gently in the breeze and crunched softly underfoot. The sun shone through puffy clouds and dew clung to the flower petals that were gathered around graves. An odd setting for Hades if he ever saw one.
He wandered around, feeling lost, almost. Nowhere that he walked was he ever truly alone; ghosts wavered at the edges of his vision, watching him walk through a place where the living did not belong, pale forms eyeing him with betrayal for being left behind.
He came to a stop at the memorial statue the colonists had built. It was a Thresher Maw coming out of the ground, mouth agape. Under it was a plaque with all the names of the fallen soldiers, above it reading:
This is to commemorate the brave Alliance soldiers who gave their lives to protect this growing colony, and a grim reminder of the costs that come with Mankind reaching uncharted stars.
He looked up, staring at the stony mouth that lunged towards him, still, concrete teeth extended. His eyes searched inside the stone beast's maw, wondering what it felt like to be eaten by the real thing. Thoughts intertwined with real memories as he remembered standing in this very position, watching Death sailing towards him at what felt like a snail's pace. Then being knocked to the ground by one of his men and watching them be consumed, the last sight of their face being filled with terror.
"John." he felt a touch on his shoulder and looked over at the owner of the voice, thoughts fracturing.
The woman was tiny, so small that he had to look down at her. Soft, mousy hair and warm, brown eyes. She wasn't particularly beautiful, but her soft gaze was comforting. Comforting enough to pull in a lonely man from his near-escape of death.
He remembered who she was. "Mrs. Cameron."
Her eyes dulled a little at the formality, but she kept her smile. "How have you been?"
He smiled faintly. "Not too bad, all things considered. Have you got a place to stay?"
She nodded. "Yes. A small apartment in New York. The Reapers hit it hard but... I'm managing."
"That's good." he said, feeling slightly awkward, the sort of awkwardness one felt when waking up in a stranger's bed after a night of sex.
"Thank you... for coming here. I know that my husband—" she broke off, swallowing. "That Tom would've appreciated you coming back to this place."
He nodded, not knowing what to say.
She reached up, hands on either side of his face, and planted a soft kiss on his lips. "I hope you find happiness, John." with that, she hurried away, leaving him staring after her.
He felt eyes on him and turned to see Tali standing a few feet away, glowing eyes holding a strange emotion. He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it. What could he say, anyway? He walked towards her, a hand on her arm.
"Come on. Let's get out of here. I've had enough of Hell."
They left as soon as possible. After a sincere thank-you to the colonists for cleaning this place up enough to be visited and a small ceremony filled with solemn words, they boarded the shuttle, Shepard even quieter than before. The crew would occasionally glance at him worriedly, and Tali saw Garrus open and close his mouth repeatedly, trying to find something to say but coming up empty.
Although Tali knew that what had just happened hadn't been easy for him, she had to ask one question.
"Who was the woman?"
He looked up from his gaze at the shuttle floor, meeting her eyes. "Sarah Cameron. She was Tom Cameron's wife, who was one of... one of my men."
"You two seemed to have met before."
He smiled faintly. "Indeed. I'd delivered the news to each family in person. When I arrived at her house... she didn't take the news well.
"I... well, she was lonely and grieving, and needed... comfort. I needed... something. I'd just lost fifty good men and..." his mouth twisted. "I spent the night with her." he scrubbed his face hard, sighing. "It didn't mean anything, Tali. And it was years ago."
She touched his knee. "I'm not concerned about that John. I'm just making sure that she's not trying to steal you from me." she said, smiling encouragingly and trying to brighten his mood.
It worked a little. He smiled, at least. "Never." he replied, placing his hand over hers.
He cried out, the bed sheets tangling with thrashing limbs. He rolled to the floor, back arched and teeth clenched at the knives that dig into his skin.
"Shepard?" Tali jerked awake, crawling across the bed to see him lying on the metal floor of the cabin, sheets pulled off the mattress and tangled around his waist. "Are you okay? Do you want me to call Chakwas?"
"No. I'll be fine in a minute." he said through gritted teeth, feeling the muscles in his back slowly relax. He blew out a breath and gingerly let his back touch the floor, muscles still twitching painfully.
Tali got off the bed and came to sit next to him, pulling the covers up from his waist and hugging them around herself.
She touched his face, a worried smile on her lips. "Sit up."
He did so painfully, hissing as he twisted the wrong way and felt a bolt of fire shoot down his spine. Now that he was sitting up, Tali crawled around to sit behind him, fingers digging into his back as she massaged his shoulders. He groaned, putting his head in his hands and letting her work in silence.
"Was it really bad, this time?" she asked quietly.
He nodded, not saying anything. He hated waking her up like this, but was sad to say that this was hardly the first time she'd found him in this state. He smiled as he remembered when it had first happened; Tali had thought that he was having some sort of fit and he had only just managed to stop her from making a frantic call to the doctor.
She leaned close to him, kissing his neck and kneading his spine with her knuckles. "How are you feeling?"
"Alright." he said, mind still foggy with bloody images.
He felt her arms go around him, chin resting on his shoulder. "You know Chakwas has sleeping medication that can help."
"I've taken it before. I don't like it; I can't think properly and my head gets fuzzy."
Her breath brushed against his ear as she laughed. "It's for sleeping, John, not thinking."
"I know. But even after I wake up, I feel the same. My reflexes are slow, it's difficult to concentrate, and... it's maddening. Not being able to see when danger is coming at you or even being able to react properly if it does." he smiled grimly. "I'm already close enough to the edge of sanity as it is, no need to give myself a push."
"You really feel that way?" she asked, voice soft and serious.
"Sometimes. During the war I always wondered when, or if, it would happen. If one day I'd go off the deep end and blow my brains out."
His words sent a jolt of terror through her chest, and she hugged him harder. "But you won't go crazy now. I won't let you."
He looked back at her, smiling. "I know you won't." he turned, cupping her cheek. "Come on. Let's go back to bed. In the morning we'll see how close we are to Rannoch."
She got up with him, climbing into bed and curling up next to him. "Have good dreams now. That's an order."
He smiled, pulling her closer. "Ordering your captain around, are you?"
"It's hard to take my captain seriously when he's lying naked on the floor."
He laughed, kissing her. "I guess it is. But I think I'll cooperate. As long as you give me something sweet to dream about."
She grinned mischievously, climbing atop him. "I think I can manage that."
Well this was a pain in the ass to write. I had about three different versions of this chapter written before I wrote this, and I'm still not completely satisfied with it. However, I haven't been able to add anything to it, so I hope it turned out alright.
Also, I know that I said that this chapter would be longer, but well... it didn't turn out that way. Writer's block is making me crazy, and I'm surprised that I even wrote this much. Scumbag brain.