Hey everyone! I am back from my trip. I will try to get all my stories updated this week, but I cannot make promises. I have a house to get back together and kids to get back on a regular routine. However, I will try my best! Thank you all for sticking with me. If I didn't thank you personally for your review, I apologize and I just want to thank you! Enjoy!

Chapter 17

Opening her eyes, Anna quickly noted how dry and raw they felt from all the crying she had done earlier. Her eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness and she realized she was in her bed being held strongly by John's arms. She wasn't sure when she had come upstairs. The last thing she remembered was being on the settee with John and watching the fire burn.

Her hand came up to her cheek and she could feel the dried tracks from the tears. Suddenly, she was overwhelmed by everything. How would she and John ever get past any of this? There had been some hope before the loss of the baby, but now she wasn't so sure. She felt so lost, so disheartened. John deserved more.

Slowly, she sat up. At her movements, John's eyes fluttered open. Concern quickly covered his face and he sat up.

"Anna? Are you alright?" His right hand came up to rest on her cheek and Anna nodded against his hand.

"I….I just woke up. I'm sorry I bothered you," she murmured. John's head shook. Anna felt as fresh tears filled her eyes. Now that the damn had been broken, Anna wasn't sure she'd ever be able to stop crying. A tear escaped her eyelid and fell against John's thumb. He wiped the tear away and swallowed hard.

"You didn't bother me," he quietly responded. "And I always want you to bother me, if you need me."

Anna chewed briefly on the edge of her lip. A few more tears slipped down her cheeks and she sighed, before shaking her head.

"I…I don't know who I am anymore, John. My heart is broken and has been ripped into shreds. I thought if I could pretend like I was okay, that everything would magically get better, but it didn't." Her lower lip quivered slightly and she closed her eyes, her body shaking as sobs tried to escape her lips.

John's arms came protectively around her and pulled her closer to him. Once again, he was filled with a deep hatred for Alex Green. His wife's heartbreak was all that man's fault. He had taken so much from the purest person on Earth. The man deserved to suffer for eternity for what he did to Anna.

Tucking her head against his chest, John sighed. He wished there was a way to take away all of her hurt and pain. Gently, he pressed his lips against the top of her head.

"What if we went on a holiday?" John mentioned, the idea hitting him quickly.

"A holiday?" Anna asked against his chest. She placed her hand against his chest and sat up slightly, glancing up to meet his eyes.

"I think we are due for one. Lord Grantham is still in America and I'm sure Lady Mary won't mind. Getting away from Downton could do us both some good." Anna pondered John's words and slowly nodded.

"Where will we go?"

"Wherever you wish, my darling," he replied. Anna yawned. "Let's get back to sleep. We can discuss it more in the morning."

"I love you," Anna sincerely stated with a twist of her lips. "I don't deserve you and your patience."

Both of John's hands came up to rest on Anna's cheeks and he shook his head sharply.

"No, no, Anna. You deserve the world. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but we will get past this. You and I will have happiness again, I promise."

Anna's hand came up to rest upon his and she nodded. "I…I hope that's true."

"It is. Now, let's go to sleep."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The next few days passed quickly. They had discussed their trip plans with Mrs. Hughes, Mr. Carson, and Lady Mary. Lady Mary and Mrs. Hughes were both exceptionally happy about this idea. They agreed that both Anna and John needed the time away from the area. Time away would be good for them both.

During the week leading up to their holiday, Anna went back to work, but only part-time. She only went to help Lady Mary in the evenings. She avoided most of the downstairs staff. It wasn't that she was afraid of them, but she was too tired to put up any sort of pretense. Yet, at the same time, she didn't want to fall into tears in front of them all, either. With Lady Mary, she felt less pressure. There was also a familiarity that made it comfortable to be with her that week. Mary asked her questions all about her holiday and told her not to rush back, no matter what.

"I'll be just fine without you, enjoy yourself. You deserve it."

"Thank you, m'lady. I do hope it is fun for John. He's been so patient with me," Anna quietly said, as she adjusted a pin in Lady Mary's hair.

"Because he loves you," Mary replied.

"He does," Anna agreed. Her lips faltered slightly. She was a little anxious about the upcoming trip with her husband. While she knew she needed the time away, she worried what all he expected during this holiday. He would never force anything on her; she knew that. But she worried he was hopeful of a reconnection. The last thing she wanted to do was to disappoint him. It seemed all she could do lately.

"What's wrong?" Mary asked, reading Anna's expression. In an attempt to cover up her feelings, Anna shook her head and forced out a smile.

"Nothing, m'lady. I'm fine. Is there anything else you need from me?" Mary's eyes narrowed and Anna could tell she didn't quite believe her. However, Anna was grateful when Mary decided to drop it.

"No, thank you."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

It felt strange boarding a train with just her husband with no obligations of caring for anyone other than themselves. As they sat into their seats, Anna felt as though some of the weight was lifting itself off her shoulders. For the next week and a half, it would just be her and John. There would be no prying eyes or people dropping by her house to check on her.

Her hand reached over and grabbed John's. She squeezed it and offered him the slightest of smiles.

"What's all this for?" He questioned, his own lips curling up into a smile. Whenever he saw his wife happy, it made him happy.

"I am just glad you're mine," she honestly replied. "I'm excited about our holiday."

John squeezed her hand back and his grin widened. "I'm glad you're mine," he repeated back to her. "And me too." Anna shifted so she was closer to her husband. She offered him another small smile, before pulling her book out of her bag next to her.

The train ride to London would take over four hours. Thankfully, they both had packed plenty of books to keep them busy for the ride. Once they got there, they were staying in a small bed and breakfast near Piccadilly. For them, it was a more expensive holiday than they would usually take. However, John insisted they go all out. They had the money in their savings and were not digging too deep into it. Lady Mary had wanted to cover the lodging expenses, but John wouldn't hear of it.

"I booked us somewhere special for dinner tomorrow evening," John informed Anna. He had planned on making it a surprise, but found that he was having a hard time keeping it a secret. Anna looked up from her book and gave him a wicked grin.

"Is that so, Mr. Bates? And do I get to know where this place is?" There was a slight brightness in her eyes and it made John's heart skip a beat. He hadn't seen her this light in a while. It was nice to see glimpses of a joyful Anna.

"No, it's a surprise."

"It's not nice to tease," Anna playfully replied. John gave her a wink, but shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm sorry, my darling. You'll have to wait and see tomorrow."

"Silly beggar."

The two chuckled lightly and Anna leaned in slightly against John's shoulder. It felt nice, she mused. For these few moments, she felt like herself again. Perhaps John was right, maybe one day they would find that happiness again. Maybe one day her heart wouldn't feel as though it was in a million pieces.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

When the two of them arrived in London, they decided to drop their things off at the bed and breakfast. Afterwards, they went for a walk around town. The two of them didn't have any plans for the afternoon. There were a lot of shops and Anna enjoyed to window shop. She didn't want to spend any money on any things. They were already spending enough on this holiday.

In one of the shops they went into, her heart stopped. There was a corner of the shop filled with baby things. Her body tensed and she swallowed hard. John seemed to sense her hesitation. He paused and glanced over at her. Upon seeing her face, he sighed. It had grown pale and her eyes were locked on a small stuffed lamb.

"Let's go somewhere else," John offered. He gently took a hold of her elbow, but Anna pulled away. Slowly, she stepped toward the corner of the store. Her hand reached out for the lamb and she brought it up to her chest. Almost immediately, her eyes filled with tears.

"Anna….." John felt lost.

"Lambs mean pure," Anna murmured, as her fingers ran over the small stuffed lamb's head. "I don't understand how…." Her words faded and John watched as she shook her head and placed the lamb back down on the display. With the tips of her fingers, Anna wiped the edges of her eyelids.

"Would you like to get the lamb?" John asked. Watching his wife carefully, he could see she was debating his question. He knew she was connecting the tiny stuffed lamb to Katie; to the innocent little girl who had been created in a moment of horror.

"No," Anna whispered, but John didn't believe her. The tightness in her voice gave her away.

"We can get it to remember…."

"I said, no, John," Anna replied, tersely. "Now, let's go find something to eat. I am hungry."

The two walked around Piccadilly and found a place to eat. For the rest of their day, an awkwardness had come back between them. John knew it was because of the lamb. Anna had been brought back to what had happened to her and to what she had lost. It broke his heart.

When it was getting closer to sundown, they walked back to their lodging for the evening. Turning the corner toward the bed and breakfast, John reached his hand out to open the door for Anna. She walked in front of John and stepped inside. However, just as John was about to do the same, a familiar face caught John's gaze. John felt his hand tighten around the handle of the door and his cheeks flush slightly with anger.

There standing across the street looking right at Anna was Alex Green. Anna, thankfully, didn't notice, because she was facing the opposite direction. John watched as Alex ran his eyes up and down Anna's frame and then turn his eyes to John. A wicked grin grew on his lips and he tipped his hat to John, before stepping away.

"John?" Anna asked, turning to face him. "Are you coming inside?" Seeing John's face, her lips twisted in worry. "What's happened?"

"Nothing, my darling," he lied with a smile on his lips. "I just saw something floating down the road." Then he stepped into the doorway. He glanced back out the door but there was no longer a sign of Green.

To be continued...

This story is coming to an end. It is falling back in line with the show timeline soon. Thank you for reading and I hope to update it and my other stories shortly!