Chapter 11: Cool Kids, Cold Case – Part 4: Crush
Machaira stumbled after Adaine, trying not to pant. She was too tired to figure out why the high elf had asked to spend their last period outside. They hadn't come to this tree since last week. Adaine took her usual place at the base of the trunk, expression tight with emotion Machaira wasn't alert enough to recognize. Gods, fighting practice had been brutal. She had pushed herself so much harder than she usually did, but aggression hadn't been enough to block out the smells. Shit, the whole school reeked of desire, but out here she was far enough away that it wasn't overpowering. Machaira chose to lie down on her stomach, arms tucked under her and claws digging into the turf. She buried her nose in the grass, inhaling deeply. The school lawn wasn't a quarter as complex as the forests she was used to, but the scents of grass and earth were strong enough to distract her.
"What's wrong with you?" Adaine asked, frowning at her. "You've been acting sorta off for a few days now." Machaira turned to face her, cheek pressed into the ground. It was hard to look her in the eyes. Her fevered brain wanted to look elsewhere, but she told it to fuck off.
"I told you, I'm sick," Machaira rasped, tail tip twitching at the half-lie. She certainly felt sick.
"Then why have you been going to the gym during lunch for the best three days," the elf countered.
"It helps," Machaira insisted, which was true. Adaine sighed.
"Can you please just tell me what's going on?" She pleaded. Machaira bit her lip. She didn't want to say anything. She shouldn't say anything. And she certainly didn't trust herself to say the right thing. But she knew she was going to start talking anyway because it was Adaine and she hated leaving her in the dark.
"Promise not to tell the others?" She asked. Adaine nodded, beginning to look truly concerned. Machaira closed her eyes, pressing her chin flat against the grass.
"I'm… in heat," she muttered quietly.
"What?" Adaine asked.
"I'm in heat," she growled, red rising to her cheeks. Adaine blinked at her.
"Does that, is that what, what I think, what – "
"It's not that unusual," Machaira defended hotly. "Every species that has sex has a heat cycle, even elves. Sex drive rises and falls over the course of the cycle. Some are just more… extreme than others." The wizard frowned.
"So, this is normal?" She clarified. The rogue sighed, screwing her eyes shut.
"It happens once every two months," she reluctantly explained. "For a few days I lose my hunting drive. Instead I, well – "
"Hunt for a good time?" Adaine teased. Machaira glared at her.
"I wanted to take Fabian during fighting practice today, right there on the grass," she told the elf bluntly. Adaine looked at her as if Machaira had announced that she ate babies.
"Fabian? You wanted to fuck Fabian?" She reiterated. "Why, what, I, I had no idea you liked – "
"I don't," Machaira interrupted. "Not in that way at least. But right now, that doesn't fucking matter. He was there, young and fit and strong. I could smell his desire when he was on the bench watching the cheerleaders. I smell it every day, and it never registers as important because it really isn't. But today, I came so close to jumping him." The rogue squeezed her eyes shut. Gods, this was humiliating. She gripped the ground with her thighs, holding her legs apart and applying her muscles for something that wouldn't turn her on.
"I mean, Fabian's handsome," Adaine tried.
"No, Adaine," Machaira snarled, ears flat against her head. "I don't actually want him. I don't like him that way at all. In a day or two he'll just be 'Fabian, that guy in our party' again. But right now, I'm so turned on it's painful. This whole damn school reeks of horny teens, and I could have almost any of them if I tried. I can barely think straight, and the only thing that makes it a little bit better is pushing myself so hard in the gym or on the training field that I'm too tired to bother." Her tail rustled madly across the grass. She was so worked up and frustrated she wanted to burst. "Even that's a double-edged sword. With all those people running and fighting, fifth period is just a bouquet of hormones. I had to bite back a moan every time the teacher corrected my stance."
"I thought your fighting instructor was that ranger woman?" Adaine asked.
"She is." Machaira grunted.
"Oh." The tabaxi didn't look up. She already regretted telling Adaine this much. Gods, she hated herself. Why did this have to happen every two months? It was so much harder to ignore than normal. Not that she'd fought against it much until her scare with the ursine, she reminded herself bitterly. "So…"
"Yes, Adaine, I'm bi," Machaira spelled it out for the high elf. "Girls are hot. Sue me. Right now, when I'm in heat, I want to get fucked, and it's never been harder to push back than here, where I am surrounded by people just dying to screw." Her sex ached. Gods, she hadn't thought about this when she applied to Aguefort. Her hind claws flexed, trembling in her boots as they strained to find a purchase to dig in.
"No, I'm not, I don't want to, to judge, I just…" Adaine stammered off into a wince. "Look, I'm sorry. I don't care that you're bi, honest. I'm fine with that. I just, I'm trying to understand, I guess, what exactly is wrong?" The rogue glowered at her dully.
"You ever been turned on for no real reason?" She growled. "Just, boom, hot and bothered, and all you can think about is getting off, even if it's to something you'd normally never consider." Adaine nodded, going fully scarlet in a matter of seconds. "Okay, that happens to me every two months like clockwork, and it doesn't go away. I stay this way for about three days, but, unlike you, I know when anyone around me is also horny. I can smell the pheromones on everyone who got off before they came to school." Toward the end her growl started to give way to a whine. Machaira flashed her fangs, trying to maintain a fierce face, but she was so tired and aroused and tired of being aroused.
"Okay, yeah, that sounds miserable," Adaine conceded. "So, is that why you've been avoiding us the past few days, because we, you know…" Machaira groaned and hid her face under her arm
"Not Riz or Gorgug," she grumbled. "They're wonderful boys, but they just don't have enough sex appeal. Kristen always smells like she's been fapping these days, but it's a weird, like, corn smell, and no, just, hard no." Adaine snickered. "Fig – gods, she doesn't talk about it like Kristen but she just – that hand washing comment back at Zayn's place was for her." Adaine winced. "I didn't want to know either." Machaira panted, keeping her eyes closed. "I'm sorry. I know I'm being bitchy. You were concerned about me, and this is weird, and I'm sorry – "
"Don't apologize," Adaine chastised. "I mean, it's just a normal part of, like, being you – "
"You can just say it's weird," Machaira told her. "I know, it's – "
"It isn't, though," Adaine cut her off. "I mean, it's like you said, we both have a cycle. Mine is just less inconvenient. I only have my period every six months, so this just isn't a problem for me." They sat in silence for a while. Machaira couldn't see Adaine's face, and she wasn't alert enough to interpret her emotions by scent.
"Thanks," the tabaxi muttered eventually. "I feel like I'm always throwing weird shit at your feet."
"You're the first tabaxi I've ever met," Adaine reminded her. "There's a learning curve here. In a world where three of our friends are hybrids of two species, I'd be a shitty best friend to shame you for who you are." Another pause. "So, um, I know this is, is a little – when you were talking about the party, you didn't, um, mention, what you, you think, about…" Machaira looked up at Adaine. She couldn't quite believe what she was hearing. The elf was blushing from cheeks to throat, fiddling with her fingers and unable to properly meet Machaira's eyes. "… me." The scout groaned quietly. She'd left out the wizard intentionally, hoping to minimize the awkwardness between them. She never would have guessed that Adaine would want to know.
"I mean, no, I get that this isn't, isn't comfortable for you," Adaine rushed. "It's, just, never mind."
"I don't need to be in heat to think you're sexy," Machaira told her. Immediately she wished she could sew her mouth shut. Adaine blinked, eyes wide and face glowing crimson.
"Oh, I, uh, I didn't, you think – "
"You don't need to fish for compliments," Machaira stemmed the tide of babble. "You know you're a knock-out. Just because you're my best friend doesn't mean I don't acknowledge that. Even in those fake uniforms, you're gorgeous." Machaira buried her muzzle in the grass again, trying to block out her friend's scent. While not overtly sexual, it represented warmth and safety and wonderful things that encouraged her to let down her guard. Adaine murmured a stuttered thank you and just curious, shifting about as she tried to compose herself.
"Please don't take this the wrong way," Machaira begged. "I'll be back to normal soon. I, I just – "
"You're fine," Adaine assured her. "I mean, this is probably pretty hard for you, especially because of you're, um, history…" She winced. "Sorry, I shouldn't have brought that up." Gods, Machaira felt absolutely filthy crouching there at Adaine's feet.
"You're not wrong," the scout admitted. "Every tabaxi feels this way, but not all of them become sluts."
"Other tabaxi can go fuck off," Adaine countered. "You pulled your life together from the shittiest place ever, and you can't beat yourself up forever." She took a breath, calming herself a bit. "Thank you for telling me. That's not something I would ever be able to do. Now that I know, I can cover for you next time, if you want." Machaira looked up at the high elf's face. Adaine was a little uncomfortable but less so than she normally looked when Kristen was talking about masturbating. Her friend smiled, regarding Machaira with the same warmth she always did. The rogue slowly smiled back. The ever-present fear of rejection slunk away, defeated once more by the wizard's acceptance. Machaira offered Adaine a slow blink and a purr, ears rising. The diviner giggled and reached for her ears.
"Maybe not right now," Machaira stopped her, pressing herself flat against the ground.
"Oh," Adaine blushed. "Is that, like – "
"Not foreplay," Machaira said hurriedly, wincing as embarrassment took hold again. "No, it's nothing, nothing like that. I'm just a little, ah, over-sensitive right now."
"Right, no, I get it." Adaine bit her lip. "But, if you're feeling better tomorrow…?"
"I'm all yours," Machaira promised. Adaine laughed and treated Machaira to her small, neat smile that sent warm currents through the rogue's heart. "As much or as little as you want of me."
"I'll take most of you," Adaine decided, true affection glittering under the mask of a cheeky grin. "You can keep the jerky; I want everything else."
"Honestly, you've earned it." – Porter's response to Fig cutting class
It was the little things that really stuck with Machaira.
Someone called her an animal in the hallway, one of the rare insults that survived the desolation of Ragh. Machaira didn't care. Even if it was meant as a slur, there was a sizable chunk of truth to it. But Adaine whirled on the spot and cast Ray of Sickness. As they left, Machaira thanked the wizard but assured her it wasn't necessary. She'd been called far worse.
"They shouldn't be allowed to hurt you," Adaine argued. "They shouldn't even be trying." She wasn't just indignant; Adaine was truly angry that some random person had the gall to insult her. Machaira smiled and laughed, throwing an arm around her friend.
She didn't need anyone to fight her battles, but it was nice to know that someone was willing to.
Later, the high elf was turning Biz down again.
"Dude, you are good at one thing. That doesn't automatically mean you have appeal to women. If you want women to respect you, you have to improve yourself. That's how people, like, get, this." She trailed off and glanced at Machaira towards the end, searching for confirmation that this was the right thing to say. Machaira, once more entranced and intimidated by Adaine's savagery, smiled slightly at her, offering support without input. This was Adaine's fight, and she had neither the right nor the need to interfere. A disheartened Biz soon backed off, and the two girls resumed their walk to lunch.
"You are terrifying," Machaira announced, hands in her jacket pockets. "Seriously, if I was in Biz's position, I would have quit a long time ago." Adaine shoulder bumped her.
"Unlike Biz, you're actually interesting," she corrected Machaira. "I'm still waiting to hear how you killed that wyvern." Machaira laughed and bumped her back.
"How about over coffee at that café down the street after school?" She proposed. "I'll buy."
"Mmmm, no," Adaine rejected. "How we go to that coffee shop with the big plush chairs, I buy the coffee, and you keep me warm during the story?" Machaira tilted her head, considering the offer.
"That seems fair," she agreed slowly. "Feels like I should pay for the coffee though. I mean, I'm getting free coffee, and you have to listen to me talk about how I got a jacket. I think I have the better end of the deal." Adaine rolled her eyes and laughed.
"I like spending time with you," the elf reminded her. Machaira missed her chance for a clever reply as the simplicity of the sentence sank home. Their party was always hanging out but not always with the full ensemble. Adaine could spend her time with any of them and saw the others without Machaira at least once a week. But she sought out quality time with the tabaxi whenever possible anyway.
"Me too," Machaira told her softly, feeling the warmth in her heart manifest in her face. Adaine smiled at her, and the two did not speak to each other for the duration of lunch, engaging instead with the rest of the party. There was nothing else they needed to say.
Adaine wanted Machaira for nothing more than her presence, and that never failed to amaze her.
Machaira had become attuned to the warning signs. Just as the marks of her quarry leapt out to her on a hunt, the scent and sounds of Adaine's episodes would cut through whatever occupied her mind at the time, demanding her attention. The acrid tang of panic, a shade sourer than normal fear, had grown loathsome to her. The rapid, irregular heartbeat was sharp and jarring in her ears. She stood and moved around to the other side of the table. Adaine started as the rogue claimed the seat next to her. Machaira put a hand on her shoulder and leaned in, briefly resting the crown of her skull against Adaine's temple before pulling away.
This wasn't a particularly powerful attack. Adaine had it more or less under control, swallowing it back before she could truly panic. Machaira didn't want to be too clingy, so she smiled at Adaine and gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze before pulling her own books across the table. Adaine's fingers lost their death grip on her pencil. Machaira scratched out a note, deliberately not looking as Adaine took several gulping breaths to compose herself. When the high elf had come down from terrified to embarrassed, the tabaxi looked over and smiled again, trying to convey pride in the expression. Adaine smiled back and reached out for her tail. Machaira rolled her eyes but laid her tail across the wizard's lap anyway.
"Are you okay?" Machaira asked. Adaine nodded. "Do you want to talk about it?" The wizard shook her head, fingers nestling in her tail fur. "Okay." Machaira accepted easily, quirking another smile. She turned back to her work without further comment but kept her new seat. Present without pressure.
"It wasn't one thing," Adaine told her after a moment. "Just, you know, the usual." Machaira deliberately placed her pencil in the crease of her notebook and pushed the book a few inches further away. She turned to face Adaine, tilting her head and giving Adaine a sympathetic look. The elf often felt ignored or passed over at home. When she spoke to Machaira about her insecurities, the rogue made it clear that her friend had her undivided attention.
"Did it all just kinda crash over you for a moment?" Machaira asked. Adaine nodded, staring at her lap and biting her lip. She didn't offer any more details. Machaira covered her hand and squeezed lightly.
"Tell me about what you're working on," Machaira requested after a moment, scooting closer. "Is this that essay you were talking about on alternate timelines?" As it turned out, yes, it was, and the topic was just as complex and confusing as it felt during the first explanation. But Adaine's eyes lit up, and she started using her hands just a little, which meant she was a lot excited. Machaira loved seeing the normally quiet girl bloom with enthusiasm for something. Adaine was born and trained for this type of magic, and she took the time to master its complexities. Her knowledge wasn't based on factoids but application. She wanted to bring her skills to life in the real world, and when Machaira listened to the wizard, it inspired a bit of love for the subject in herself. Adaine's affinity and zeal for divination was infectious, even though the tabaxi had neither the aptitude nor the interest in pursuing the field.
Adaine's family had wounded her, but still she was vibrant and passionate, magical in ways that could not be taught.
"You don't have to do this, you know," Machaira murmured through the haze of pleasure, already sinking into Adaine's embrace. The wizard had asked to spend their last period outside, which traditionally meant one of them wanted to have a serious moment without onlookers. But the elf had instead set about scratching her ears almost the moment they sat down. It had been nearly a week since they last did this. Adaine avoided touching Machaira like this in public or during a meet up with the whole party. Sometimes Fig or Adaine would give her head a quick ruffle but never anything that left her so thoroughly disarmed.
"You helped me when I had my panic attacks; I wanted to return the favor." Machaira reached out and grasped her hand with difficulty, vision swimming. She pulled back and looked up at Adaine. The wizard had stopped trying to pet her, confusion entering her gaze.
"I don't need a reward for that," Machaira told her, quiet but firm. "And I don't want to be rewarded."
"No, I know you don't do – help me for, you know…" Adaine stammered. "I just like this, okay." The elf admitted. "I wanted to pet you because I like seeing you happy. I just didn't want to, like, offend you, I guess." She huffed. "You purring is like the best thing ever. I want to hear you purr every day. And your fur is fluffy. I just couldn't think of an excuse, so I went with the panic attack thing, okay?" Machaira blinked, digesting this. She stretched up to butt her skull against Adaine's cheek, pushing the elf back despite her efforts to be gentle.
"You don't need an excuse," she told the diviner. "I like this, too." Gods, they were so fucking awkward sometimes, but the rogue did her best to ignore it, curling against her friend's torso. As Adaine scratched and caressed her head, bliss stole over the tabaxi, drowning out the stimuli of sight and sound. But smell remained, namely the warm, intimate scent of her friend, the one that told Machaira she was safe.
Adaine wanted Machaira to feel cared for even when nothing in particular was wrong. The emotions behind and spawning from that were powerful, swelling and warming her heart against Elmville's coldest winds.
Machaira brought down a dire wolf. She smoked most of the meat for jerky, but when the birds started to sing their pre-dawn songs she decided to treat herself. The scout carefully wrapped a sizable piece of roasted haunch for her lunch, complete with more than a foot of femur. No one ever served anything that offered her jaws real resistance, and Machaira loved the crunch of a good solid bone. She'd crack the rest of the wolf's skeleton for marrow over the next few days, but the tabaxi wanted a normal meal for once. Machaira almost purred on her way to school, the smell of her hard-won food wafting about her nose. While her lunch wouldn't be hot and dripping with juices by lunch time, it would still be fresh.
Adaine commented on the smell when they met at the bus stop. When Machaira told her that she was treating herself to not-dry meat, the wizard laughed and said it smelled good. The scout immediately offered her some at lunch. The others were always paying for her food. She wanted to share something of hers for once. Come lunch time, Machaira drew her dagger and cut off a slice the moment she sat down. Adaine smiled tolerantly and accepted the gift. Riz and Gorgug also asked for some, and Machaira had wonderful flashbacks to their first day of school.
The tabaxi took a bite for herself, jaws swinging wide to grasp the meat. She growled happily as the femur cracked between her carnassials. For the first time in years Machaira felt safe to satisfy her inner predator in front of others. Eyes closed, Machaira savored the crunch of bone and the rich fatty flavor of marrow.
"Did you just break a tooth?" Kristen asked, eyes wide. "That sounded painful." Machaira shook her head, shearing off another shard of bone.
"Delicious," she corrected.
"What is it?"
"Dire wolf." Kristen gasped, eyes wide. The party stiffened, staring at her. Shock, revulsion, and traces of fear hit her from all sides. Immediately the atmosphere changed from light-hearted interest to judgement and discomfort. Machaira had forgotten that normal for her was bizarre for them. She flattened her ears, tail whapping against the bench legs. Primitive, ugly, brutish, beast, killer, primitive, Machaira, brutish, ugly, beast –
"Oh, cool. Can I have another bite?" Adaine asked, clear voice breaking through the phantom whispers of her subconscious. Machaira started, mumbled an affirmative, and cut off another piece. Adaine practically tossed it into her mouth, staring the rogue in the eyes as she chewed and swallowed before smiling that small, neat smile of hers.
"It's good," she said, perhaps a touch firmer than she normally spoke. "Different from anything I've tried before. Like, not rare but bloody."
"Uh, yeah, flesh-eaters taste bloody no matter how you cook the meat," Machaira explained.
"It's a little weird," Adaine admitted. "But I could get used to it."
"I mean, carnivore meat is kinda heavy," Machaira cautioned. "I'm more accustomed to this type of food. A little is fine, but you might get a stomach ache if you ate a full meal of it." In fact, she knew that anyone who gorged on wolf their first few times eating it would get violently sick, but she didn't want to worry her friends when they had eaten such tiny amounts.
"That's like eating Jawbone," Kristen rebuked. "Or Tracker. Whoa, Machaira, like, this is fucked up. Like, Adaine, you're eating dog. How are you not freaking you the fuck out?" The boys and Fig glanced at each other, uncomfortable and unsure whether to step in.
"Because we aren't eating a werewolf or a dog," Adaine countered. "A dire wolf is a separate creature altogether. It's new and different, and I'm willing to try it."
"I mean, I liked it," Gorgug added hesitantly. "I kinda wish you'd told me what it was, though."
"Sorry, I wasn't thinking," Machaira apologized quietly.
"I'll eat more," Riz teased with a grin.
"You will eat anything," Fabian declared. The party snickered. Fig asked for a piece, much to Fabian's surprise and Kristen's horror. The tiefling wasn't a big fan but didn't make a fuss. Kristen stared at them like the whole group was crazy. Despite his claim, Riz didn't ask for any more. Neither the cleric nor Fabian requested to try a bite at all. The boys shifted, not quite looking at Machaira anymore but glancing amongst each other every few seconds. After an awkward pause, new lines of conversation started. Machaira listened in silence, trying to finish her meal quickly and quietly, carefully eating around the bone to avoid any loud cracking. She barely opened her mouth, head tucked down to hide her teeth. The dire wolf didn't taste very good anymore. Shame kept her from meeting anyone's eyes directly. A foot nudged her tail under the table. Adaine was trying to loop her foot under and around the fluffy limb, so the tabaxi flicked out her tail and coiled it about the elf's calf. The wizard flashed her a tiny, supportive smile but did not draw attention to them.
Adaine made an effort to understand the aspects of Machaira that were alien to her. Everywhere she went, the tabaxi was either a beast or an untouchable. Even her friends sometimes thought her monstrous. But Adaine always tried to accept her, and Machaira had never felt more humbled or lucky than when the high elf reached out to the scout with respect for her disparities.
Their gifts turned out to be magical. Riz's briefcase had infinite storage capacity. Fabian's motorcycle wax would mend the Hangman's injuries at once. Fig's guitar pick provided an extra spell once a day. Kristen's book gave her better insight into spiritual matters. Gorgug's sheath made his axe a lightly magical weapon. Machaira hadn't been able to figure out what her sheath did though. Adaine's gift card was just a gift card, but she had not forgotten about her makeover plan. Fig insisted that they cut class for it to maximize the amount of available time.
"We're bad kids," she argued. "We do what we want. Plus, we're acing every class." Somehow, she managed to convince them with this logic, and the added appeal of ditching school also convinced the boys to tag along. Riz reasoned that if he and Machaira snuck out of class then they were showing initiative. Both rogues successfully slipped away from their mutual third period course on sneak attack, shared a wicked grin, and bumped into Fig in the hall. The tiefling had practically skipped out of her barbarian class but wanted very badly to cast minor illusions of Riz and Machaira before they left. Even though the doppelgangers were constantly fading in and out of sight and would only last a minute, Fig's mischievous glee was rather adorable. The three friends giggled on their way out of school, much too pleased with themselves. When they met up with the others outside, Fig informed them that Gorgug wanted to be a responsible student and stay in class. With that slight downer out of the way, they headed into town.
Adaine had cast Unseen Servant to take notes for her, so she had no qualms whatsoever about ditching. The wizard was nearly giddy, thriving off the rebellious nature of their outing and the support of her party. To see the high elf happy and confident and lively filled Machaira with a warm, playful energy. Adaine's joy was infectious. Her friend was coming into her own; and the woman beginning to emerge from the shy, repressed girl she had first met was more radiant than an aasimar.
The gift card from their mysterious benefactor could only be redeemed at the Gilded Coin, a high-end clothing boutique located in downtown Elmville across the River Marigold from Seacaster Manor. The wedge-shaped building was a multi-story monstrosity reeking of perfumes and incense from across the street. Upon entering the store, the party was confronted with an older half-elf woman surrounded by massive peach and orange hoopskirts. Her grey hair was done up in a tapering mound that reminded Machaira of an onion. Her frilly high collar, broad ribbons, and multiple bows did not inspire much confidence. Machaira also thought that the neckline of her dress was absurdly low for someone of her age and line of work. So it was with little enthusiasm that the party braced themselves as she flounced toward them, followed by a bespectacled imp holding a measuring tape.
"Ooooooohhhhhh," the woman exclaimed, her voice a harsh, high-pitched drawl. Adaine's mouth pulled down and eyebrows flew up in a weird mix of alarm and discomfort. "Welcome to the Gilded Coin! My name is Madame Silvaine. Can I help you look for something?"
"Do you have a men's section or a modest women's section?" Kristen asked quietly. Fabian and Riz giggled. Madame Silvaine stared at Kristen like she was insane.
"Yeah," Fig began.
"We have neither a men's section nor any MODESTY AT ALLL!" The older woman declared, staring upward and flaring her small, thick arms to the side. Adaine's enthusiasm had already drained away.
"I think this is where your parents got you those fake uniforms," Machaira guessed. Adaine smirked.
"What about, uh, what about chain wallets, studded belts…" Fig tried again, faltering at Madame Silvaine's blank expression. "Corsets for no reason?"
"A studded belt…" She repeated, suddenly brightening. "I have a belt made from a tapestry from old Solace!"
"This is gonna be just…" Kristen jabbed a thumb over her shoulder toward the door and shook her head.
"I think this is gonna be…" Fig nodded along with the cleric.
"Is there another – yeah, okay," Adaine agreed, turning back to the older woman. "Oh, I just want to look cool at school."
"You want to look cool?" Madame Silvaine repeated, eyes wide with that recently-electrocuted expression. "Well, I can certainly help you with that. Madame Silvaine isn't behind the times!" Adaine closed her eyes and bit her upper lip, mouth pulling into a thin, tight line.
"We should go somewhere else," Kristen stated. Fig turned to Adaine.
"Is there somewhere else – "
"PLEASE DON'T GO ANYWHERE ELSE!" Madame Silvaine yelled over the bard. "PLEASE DON'T GO ANYWHERE ELSE!"
"I'm so sorry," Adaine told her.
"I'm begging you," the older woman pleaded.
"There was that beach themed clothing store…" Kristen reminded them, gesturing again with her thumb.
"Oh, yes, the beach-themed clothing store," Adaine recalled, brightening.
"Oh, yes, let's go to the beach!" Fig squealed over the wizard.
"Very land-locked," Kristen agreed.
"We can at least get something comfy," Machaira added.
"I-I see that you have a gift card that's only redeemable here," Madame Silvaine rushed. "You would have to spend real money somewhere else."
"Sounds like a bullet I'll bite," Kristen spoke for Adaine. "Let's go."
"Better to spend real money on good clothes than a gift card on something that makes you sad to look at," Machaira tossed in her two cents. Fig snorted. All the girls giggled.
"No, I'm just kidding," Kristen backtracked. "We don't have real money to spend." Machaira shrugged. True enough.
"So," the half-elf took a moment to compose herself, breathing slowly returning to normal. "In your wildest dreams, what would you like to look like?"
"Just like a normal kid," Adaine responded, her voice small and shy. "That's not wearing a school uniform at a school that doesn't have a school uniform." Machaira scooted a step closer to the wizard.
"What of a tiny little sailor?" The older woman gushed instead. Machaira coughed disgustedly.
"No," Fig shot her down.
"I'm a teenager," Adaine reminded her. "I'm not a baby."
"No? Alright." Madame Silvaine shrugged and rubbed her hands together. "Well, something normal, normal."
"Just like a T-shirt and jeans," Adaine clarified, making a cut off motion with one hand. "Maybe like a jean jacket?"
"You would like a T-shirt and jeans and a jean jacket?" Madame Silvaine reiterated skeptically.
"Don't say that like they're foreign words," Adaine chided the ridiculous woman, going from awkward to indignant. "You know what those words mean."
"I – only because of my extremely diligent study of the craft of fashion have I ever heard those words before," Madame Silvaine peacocked. "I think you shall look an absolute fool, deary! But I shall try my best." Adaine blinked slowly, lips turning up into a huge, exasperated smile against her will. Machaira was torn between roasting Madame Silvaine and appreciating how cute Adaine looked. Fig played a quick bass riff and cast charm person on the proprietor. Madame Silvaine stiffened and turned to Fig with a smile and a gasp.
"Get the girl what she wants," Fig ordered. Adaine laughed cheerfully. Machaira smirked, nodded, and gave Fig three hearty claps.
"A T-shirt, a pair of jeans, and a jean-jacket, very well," Madame Silvaine repeated calmly. Adaine arched her eyebrows, grinned, and nodded slightly. "Haa!" The woman pranced off to the back of the shop.
"I feel like all of these are going to have lace sewn somewhere onto them," Kristen predicted. Adaine groaned.
"We can take it off," Fig assured the high elf. "I've got a pocket knife. We can just cut it off."
"I've got three daggers," Machaira reminded the tiefling, drawing the eight-inch blade strapped to her left thigh. "Cutting things is never a problem for this group." Fig laughed.
"Shit, I forgot about that," the tiefling giggled, putting away her much smaller switch blade.
"I don't know, Adaine, I think you'd look lovely as a sailor," Fabian offered. Neither boy looked thrilled to be there, but Fabian seemed to be the less uncomfortable of the two. Fig cackled.
"Tiny little sailor boy," the wizard giggled, gesturing to her uniform. "That's basically what I'm already wearing."
"Exactly," Fabian said. "And I think you look just fine now."
"Adaine always looks fine," Machaira told him. Fig's laughter spiked. "But she wants new clothes, so we're getting something fun and not stupid." Adaine blushed at the compliments.
"Well, thank you, but I want to actually just be able – like, I don't want to worry about my skirt flying up in the middle of battle, you know?" She mimed her skirt flying up as she spoke, and as Machaira followed the flair of her hands she couldn't help but notice that Adaine had very nice legs. Not that she hadn't noticed before now, but still. Madame Silvaine returned with a pair of skinny jeans, a dark blue T-shirt adorned with an arcane polygon/rune structure so thinly etched and faded it kept sinking in and out of view, and a wool-lined denim jacket with eight pockets. Adaine zeroed in on the jacket immediately.
"I love pockets," she praised softly as the half-elf approached.
"Oh well, if you love pockets then you'll love this jacket, deary," Madame Silvaine gushed. "Go ahead, cast your spell. Ah, do you have any ability to detect magic? I want you to see the craftsmanship." Adaine's eyes began to glow blue. "This is a jacket of useful things. Put it on." The wizard smiled and put it on.
"Whoa, you look cool," Kristen told her.
"It's inside out," Riz informed her.
"Fuck," Adaine muttered, putting the jacket on correctly.
"The wool is on the inside," Madame Silvaine informed her.
"It could be reversible," Kristen defended. The older woman cleared her throat.
"Now, ah, let's say that you'd like something for your friends or you need something, ah, what's the sort of thing you never have the ability to carry in your pockets? You know, they never give ladies' clothing pockets!"
"Never!" Adaine finally agreed with Madame Silvaine, eyes wide as she lamented the injustice.
"Never!" The half-elf exclaimed. "This hoop skirt has over thirty-five pounds of material goods in it." Machaira frowned. Adaine stopped, blinked, and pulled a weird look, as if she didn't want to know what was in the skirt but also really wanted to know.
"That's… heavy," she managed.
"Yo, start showing us," Fig demanded, re-evaluating older woman.
"I have a full ham!" She withdrew a ham from her skirt and held it aloft. Machaira's jaw dropped.
"Wow!" Kristen exclaimed. Riz held out his hands for the ham and ate the entire thing in a matter of seconds.
"That's a hungry boy with a heaping helping of ham," Madame Silvaine declared with a huge smile.
"You got a cigarette in there?" Fig asked.
"I most certainly do!" Madame Silvaine produced and handed to Fig a three and a half foot long gilded holder with a glittering cigarette on the end.
"Okay, wow," Fig approved, pulling on the massive cigarette.
"This lady rules," Riz decided.
"Now, I must warn you, it's not tobacco."
"What is it?" Fig inquired after several seconds of not getting further information.
"It's Halfling weed mixed with dragon spice." Fig took another slow pull.
"Alright," she breathed. Machaira shuddered as the smoke reached her. Once you got hooked on that stuff, the desire to relapse never completely left you.
"Madame Silvaine knows how to cut loose at the end of the day." The older woman shimmied her shoulders a bit, reminding the tabaxi of the greasers.
"I like it," Fig drawled, head bobbing as the drugs set in.
"You know, I thought you weren't cool, but you're extremely cool," Adaine informed the older woman as Fig offered the cigarette to Kristen.
"All of you wanted to go somewhere else, and this place is fantastic," Fabian chimed in.
"Ancient readiness, young Fabian!" Madame Silvaine exclaimed, pinching his cheeks. Ah, no wonder why Fabian liked this place. His pirate family probably loved it.
"It's good to see you," Fabian replied, smiling around pulled cheek muscles. "How are you?"
"Cool," Kristen droned, grinning as she passed the cigarette back to Fig.
"Good, good, good, good, good," Madame Silvaine gushed. Kristen started coughing horribly. "It's so lovely. Cathilda stopped by for the, uh, for the car."
"Yes, of course, yes, yes, yes," the younger half-elf stuttered.
"Ah, your father's coat, how's it doing?" Madame Silvaine inquired.
"It's fantastic," Fabian praised, confirming Machaira's suspicion. "Oh, your patchwork is incredible."
"Of course, and that coat explodes!" She trilled shrilly. Machaira's hackles rose, and she regarded the frilly dresses around them with new wariness. Adaine's glowing eyes were huge.
"It does, it does," Fabian confirmed cheerily. "Yes."
"It blows right up!" Madame Silvaine squealed and pointed at the sky before turning to Adaine. "Now, reach in there, picture something in your mind that you'd like."
"I am quite hungry, so I guess a sandwich?" Adaine said hesitantly. A prewrapped hoagie popped out of her pocket. Adaine unwrapped the sandwich, smiled at the whey bread, and handed half to Machaira. The tabaxi thanked her but passed the lettuce and tomato and pickle monstrosity to Fig, who happily dug in. Adaine muttered an apology around her giggles, and Machaira waved it aside.
"Cool," Kristen moaned again.
"What of something that couldn't even be in the pocket?" Madame Silvaine proposed. "Say a piping hot cup of tea?" Adaine frown/smiled, passed her sandwich to Riz (immediately devoured), reached into the pocket, and pulled out a full cup of tea on a saucer with two sugar cubes and a tall, thin metal creamer on the side. A spoon handle poked out of the steaming tea. Adaine took a sip, eyes lighting up with delight.
"Hey, Adaine, can I have a rat?" Fig requested. Adaine set down her tea with a suspicious grin and reached for her pocket.
"Unfortunately, the jacket cannot create living things," Madame Silvaine informed her. "Or rather, it can, but they will exist in a terrifying half-life, neither real nor imaginary. Their existence will be a horrifying, excruciating pain, and they will seek to kill themselves as quickly as possible. DON'T PULL A RAT OUT!"
"What about an oyster?" Fig asked. "They don't have a central nervous system, so – "
"The oyster would be fine," Madame Silvaine confirmed. Fig laughed as Adaine handed her the oyster.
"Do you want a knife to shuck it with?" Adaine offered around her grin, reaching toward her jacket. She had apparently forgotten that they all had knives, but pulling a new one out of the jacket would be more fun anyway.
"No, it's a pet," Fig protested.
"A pet oyster?" Adaine fully laughed. "Put it in some water; it's gonna immediately die." She insisted around her laughter. Machaira giggled quietly. She absolutely loved Adaine's quiet little laugh. It was simply too cute.
"Fuck, can I have some water?" Their silly bard only barely managed the question around her cackles. Adaine screwed her face up as she tried to hold in her breathless giggles, flushing a flattering red. The high elf almost dropped the glass of water she withdrew from the coat, and Fig almost fell over taking it.
"Also, doesn't that oyster technically want to kill itself, but it can't because it has no kind of central nervous system with which to do it?" Fabian inquired, hands shifting back and forth as he stumbled over the latter half of the sentence.
"An oyster desires nothing, dear boy," Madame Silvaine corrected Fabian over the gleeful laughter of the other five teens.
"Oh, fantastic," Fabian sighed.
"Cool," Fig puffed on her new fancy cigarette as she admired her new less-fancy 'pet'.
"Well, that would be forty-five gold pieces, if you'd like to make the purchase?"
"Ah, yes, I have that exactly." Adaine handed the card to Madame Silvaine with an excited smile.
"Well, splendid!" The older woman cried, drawing a dagger and slashing the gift card in half. "Ah, another good day of business for the Gilded Coin." The card disappeared into sparkles of light. Madame Silvaine gathered the sparkles in her hands and threw them onto some of the dresses. "Can I help with anything else?"
"You look really cool, Adaine," Kristen ignored the half-elf in favor of the high elf. "You look great."
"Very cool," Fabian confirmed.
"The jacket is a really good look for you," Machaira agreed, tugging it a little tighter around her. The wizard beamed at the rogue before looking around at the others.
"I mean, I guess I'll have to wash this T-shirt a lot, but I'm very excited about it," Adaine admitted with a huge grin.
"Oh yes, I would say do give it a good wash before you wear it," Madame Silvaine advised. "Those clothing should be washed. I wouldn't wear it straight away. I will also say this: um, if you do not wash it, some of the things other people put in there might be in there, so careful." They all stared at her with varying levels of alarm.
"Cool," Kristen said.
"Who owned this before I owned it?" Adaine asked in concern.
"STORE'S CLOSING!" Madame Silvaine threw up her hands and yelled even though it was only about noon. "Farewell, children!" She ushered them outside and closed the door.
"It's the middle of the day," Kristen protested around her snickers. Adaine cast Identify on her jacket.
"Okay, so it used to be the robe of useful things," Adaine told them. "Elven arch-magi created it." She cleared her throat. "I would like to have the object that the last owner of this jacket put in it. She reached into the left breast pocket and withdrew a notecard. "'I'm hiding in the jacket, please don't take me out.'" The wizard read aloud, looking around at the rest of them. Stunned horror and incomprehension circled the party. "Who are you?" She looked inside the pocket. Machaira stretched onto her tiptoes to peek in it as well. Just an empty pocket.
"What?!" Machaira, Adaine, Kristen, Fig, and Riz all said at once. Fabian took a baby step back. Fig cast detect thought on the jacket and instantly collapsed to the ground with a scream, blood pouring from her eyes, nose, and ears. Machaira and Kristen rushed to her side as the tiefling canceled the spell.
"Oh fuck," the bard groaned. "There's… like, millions of people in there."
"What?" Adaine shrieked. "How many people are in this jacket?"
"Don't pull any of them out," Fabian rushed. "Otherwise they'll be trapped in the half-life thing, right?"
"Ask for a note that says the number of how many people are in the jacket," Riz suggested. Adaine grinned and giggled.
"I would like a note saying how many people are hidden in this jacket," she announced. She withdrew a new notecard. "'Mind your own fucking business.'" She read aloud.
"Damn!" Fabian laughed with hearty approval.
"This jacket is so sassy," Adaine declared gleefully.
"Oh my gosh, it looks so good," Kristen told her.
"Thank you," Adaine replied.
"But, like, also you're carrying around, like, a multitude of people," Kristen reminded her.
"Souls," Fabian interjected over the end of Kristen's sentence.
"But they're all taking refuge in there, though," Fig said ponderously.
"I mean, I guess, though – "
"So you're kind of, like, wearing a cool hostel," Fig finished over Adaine.
"Shall we pull them out?" Riz inquired.
"Right?" Kristen sided with the goblin.
"But if I pull them out – " Adaine began.
"You can just put them back in," Kristen reminded her.
"They can go in my bag, if they want," Riz offered.
"How is that any different?" Machaira questioned the human and goblin.
"If living people went in, when they come out, are they still… do they have to live a half-life?" Adaine asked. They all stared at each other in silence. Adaine cast Identify again, eyes glowing with blue spell energy once more.
"So, the jacket can only produce objects worth a 'pittance'," she informed them. "Seems like a weird metric, but, okay. The creatures hiding in the jacket are criminals, refugees, and hideaways living in a city at the center of the extra-dimensional space within the jacket. Nations rise and fall, the people live out their lives, and they have no way of exiting the jacket." Adaine's eyes widened before she smiled nervously. "It's basically just a mind fuck for me to walk around with." Fig stuck her hand into a pocket and hit the bottom of the pocket before fitting her fingers all the way inside.
"Okay," Fig breathed, taking a deep pull on her new cigarette.
"Uh, I would like a chocolate rat," Adaine said. She took out a little chocolate rat and handed it to Fig. "Here you go, here's your rat."
"Well, I already got one pet," Fig said, holding up her oyster in a glass. "So I think I'll just…" She tossed the rat up in the air and tried to catch it in her mouth. Fig managed to just grasp the bottom of the rat in her teeth and had to toss her head back a few times to get it in, much to the group's hilarity.
The next day, Machaira waited for Adaine at the bus stop as she normally did. Adaine had intentionally stayed out late to come home after her parents were asleep, so her parents shouldn't have had time to ridicule her for the new clothes before she had a chance to wear them. When Adaine stepped off the bus, Machaira's brain short-circuited. The wizard had always been pretty, beautiful even, but the difference the new clothes made was astounding.
The jeans conformed almost perfectly to her legs, reconfirming that Adaine did in fact have great legs. Without the dumb school girl skirt, it was easier to appreciate just how long and lean her legs were, making every step she took worth watching. Her T-shirt clung to all the right places to be casual sexy. The glittering design constantly drew focus toward her chest, sensual without revealing a thing. The jacket added that 'cool-girl' flair to round out the look. As Adaine smiled at Machaira and walked over, the tabaxi had to mentally slap herself back to earth.
"What do you think?" Adaine asked, twisting about in her new jacket. Machaira smirked.
"You looked good before, but hot damn," Machaira said. Adaine grinned and gave her a little spin, lapping up the attention. Without the thick uniform skirt, it was much easier to appreciate Adaine's pert, firm little butt, held tight by the incredibly flattering jeans. Machaira took a second too long to raise her eyes back up to Adaine's.
"So, you like it?" Adaine asked. The wizard didn't stutter or pull inward as she asked the question. Back straight and head held high, she had to look down at Machaira to talk to her. The elf's eyes shone, bright with simple, child-like joy. Machaira's smirk softened. She reached up to tug on the lapels of Adaine's magic jacket, pulling it open a bit and then pressing them closed over her friend.
"The clothes look good on you," Machaira admitted. "But my favorite part is the look on your face. You seem so much happier and – more confident. It's like seeing Adaine the way she's supposed to be instead of the way your parents wanted you to be. What I like that the most is seeing you comfortable in your own skin. Plus, those jeans really show off your legs." The rogue ruined the moment with a cheeky grin.
Adaine's warm smile split wide, and she embraced Machaira with a laugh. The tabaxi wrapped her arms carefully around Adaine's slim waist, muzzle pressed into the crook of her shoulder. Adaine's scent swept aside all others as a lock of platinum blonde hair fell over her nose. The hug felt better somehow without the layers of fake school girl uniform between them. It was so much easier to feel the person under the clothes, and – oh fuck.
Adaine was a beautiful young woman. Machaira knew the wizard had trouble seeing it sometimes, but no one else did. Machaira noticed how good she looked too often. She didn't want to think about her friend like this because these weren't friend thoughts. She wanted Adaine to be happy. She wanted to watch as this incredible person blossomed into the world and broke free of the anxiety that hounded her. But she also wanted to kiss those soft lips and feel Adaine's body arching up into her hands. She wanted to taste the salt and desire on the high elf's skin. She wanted to hear the little noises of excitement as she pleasured – NO! She wanted her friend to be happy and successful and confident, and she needed to stop thinking about those legs.
"Eh, Gorbag's in it to win it!" – Porter to Gorgug when he doesn't skip class with Fig
"Hey, Machaira, come on in," Jawbone greeted her. "How've you been?"
"Okay, I guess," she muttered, closing the door and taking a seat across from Jawbone. There was a couch in the guidance counselor's office, but Machaira never used it. She pulled her bag onto her lap, reluctantly letting it slide to her feet. The tabaxi kept her legs pressed together, claws slightly retracted as she gripped her knees. Her tail snaked about on the floor for a few seconds before jumping up to coil in her lap. Machaira normally preferred to keep her tail out because she felt unbalanced without it, but her instinct was to make herself smaller when she came to these weekly appointments.
Her friends had suggested she go to Jawbone the day after her meltdown. Machaira agreed because she didn't want to be difficult for them, but she had come to acknowledge that Jawbone was really good at his job. He had a way of reaching her without feeling threatening. Even so, Machaira always felt vulnerable in his office, regardless of how the session proceeded.
"So, have you thought about what we discussed last week?" Jawbone asked, peering at the tabaxi over his spectacles. Machaira bit her lip, hackles bristling a bit.
"I, I actually wanted to talk about something new," she admitted slowly. Jawbone raised his eyebrows.
"Well, hey, nothing wrong with that," he told her. "Go ahead, Machaira." The scout unsheathed her claws half way, ears back.
"I… I think – I have a crush on one of my party members," she said, staring at her feet and hunching her shoulders.
"Is it Adaine?" Machaira looked up so fast she almost got whiplash, lips curled back in a startled hiss. Jawbone peered at her mildly, completely unsurprised. "I was wondering if you'd ever get around to talking about this." He continued mildly. "People can be touchy and close without being romantically involved, but your relationship with Adaine is extremely intimate. I'm more surprised that you brought it up first than that you have these feelings in the first place. It's good that you can recognize how you feel so early."
"I shouldn't feel this way, though," Machaira protested, fur fluffing under her clothes. "And I can't let anyone know, especially not Adaine."
"Why not?"
"What do you mean why not?" She demanded. "I can't have a crush on Adaine!"
"Why not?"
"How many reasons do you want?" Machaira snarled. "I can't have a crush on my teammate. We all work really well together, and I can't risk disrupting that with drama. If we can't work together, we could die in a fight, and I don't want to make things any more awkward in the party. And I really can't have a crush on Adaine. Something this stupid isn't worth losing my best friend over. I, I – it's wrong for me to think about my friend like that."
"How is that wrong?" Jawbone asked.
"BECAUSE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE HER BEST FRIEND, TOO!" Machaira yowled. Jawbone's office was sound proof, so she had no fear of anyone hearing her tantrum. "What kind of friend thinks that way? I'm supposed to support Adaine, not, not…" She dug her claws into her knees, pricking the skin through her jeans. "I can't lose her." Machaira murmured. Jawbone picked up a saucer of tea and took a sip.
"I brewed some coffee before you came in," he said, gesturing to the pot. "Why don't you fix yourself a cup? I stocked up on cream and sugar this morning." Machaira took a deep breath, muttered her thanks and walked stiffly toward the coffee maker. Jawbone waited until she sat back down with her nearly overflowing mug, heavily cut with sugar and cream. Machaira took a cautious sip, studying Jawbone over the rim of her drink. There werewolf sucked on his own cup before setting it on the end table beside him.
"First of all, you're not wrong for feeling this way," he told Machaira. "You're a young woman who's attracted to a close friend of the same age; nothing about that is wrong. Second, people fall in love with party members all the time. Most adventurers become romantically involved with a party member at some point in their career. I'd say over eighty percent of the student body dates a party member at least once in their time at the Academy. Statistically, over sixty percent of married adventurers are married to someone else in their party. You fight and work so closely that it's only natural to develop these feelings." He picked his tea cup and took another sip.
"Third, you should be friends with your significant other. I don't see how a relationship can work otherwise. If you and Adaine have a healthy friendship, there's no reason why you can't have a healthy romantic relationship as well, provided that's what you both want."
"But that's just it," Machaira argued. "We don't both want it; this isn't mutual. Adaine is, like, the second-most heterosexual person in our party. She's not attracted to girls, and she's certainly not attracted to scruffy tabaxi girls. Adaine wants a handsome elf-boy to come sweep her off her feet, or at least a really hot demon person. I, uh, probably shouldn't have said that last part." Machaira winced. "But I'm not going to humiliate myself and get rejected over a stupid crush."
"So, you already know that Adaine is attracted to humanoids other than elves," Jawbone concluded. "Has she told you that she isn't attracted to women? Because the way you said 'second-most heterosexual person' is an unusual way to phrase that thought."
"No, I mean," Machaira stumbled and huffed. "Fabian is really against the idea of being gay. Not in that he's, like, homophobic or anything, he is just really uncomfortable with people teasing him about that. Fig makes gay jokes about him and Riz all the time for exactly that reason. Adaine isn't against it; she just never thought about having a girlfriend."
"She said those exact words to you?"
"Yes. Well, I said them, and she agreed that was right."
"When did you have this conversation?"
"Second day of school."
"Okay, didn't your friend Kristen consider herself straight around the same time?"
"Kristen never thought about her life until she started at Aguefort," Machaira snarled. "She was so naïve she didn't know what she wanted. Kristen only ever had these vague ideas her parents put into her head about what was acceptable or not, but the moment a hot girl made a move on her, Kristen completely changed course because she hadn't considered the option open before then."
"You mean, like Adaine has never considered having a girlfriend because no woman ever approached her?" Jawbone emphasized his parallel by pointing from one side of the room to the other with a pen.
"No, Kristen and Adaine are nothing alike," Machaira protested hotly. "Adaine thinks everything through. She knows exactly what she wants and how the world works. Her parents never managed to brainwash her into thinking the way they do. Adaine just doesn't like girls. She's a really good friend, and I want to be a good friend for her, and I just can't have a crush on her."
"How long have you felt this way?"
"Since… I, I think since a few weeks ago, but I didn't realize it until last week when I saw how good Adaine looked in her new clothes." Machaira admitted. "I had always thought she was pretty, but it never really registered that way. Adaine, she, just, she tries so hard to make me feel included and cared for. We were always close, but I didn't, like, like-like her. And then we got closer, and now I don't know what to do. But I can't let this get between us."
"So, since the time when Adaine told you that she had never considered a girlfriend, your relationship has become intimate to the point that you are afraid to damage it?" Jawbone summarized. Machaira didn't have an immediate response. "Look, I can't tell you what Adaine feels for you, but I can tell you that if you are as close friends as you think you are, she won't abandon you because you like her. It might be awkward for a while, but anyone can see that Adaine genuinely cares for your well-being. And it has become obvious to me that there is really nothing you care about more than her. I don't think talking to her about these feelings would ruin your friendship. And there's a chance that she feels the same about you, but you can't know that until you talk to her first."
"There's no way she feels the same," Machaira shot down the idea instantly. "Why would she? I already give Adaine everything I could as a girlfriend, and she still has her options open for someone else to come in and give her a real relationship, someone who doesn't come with a fuck tonne of emotional baggage. She's, she's just – I love watching her become more confident and self-assured and everything, but eventually she's going to realize that she… she doesn't need me for anything. Why would she even want me?" Machaira finished in a whisper, tucking her fangs under her collar. Her scars prickled as the air conditioning blew across her head. "It's just a stupid crush." She repeated under her breath.
"You can't talk about yourself this way, Machaira." Jawbone told her. "You're a bright, caring young woman and a gifted rogue. You can't keep putting yourself down like that. Your friends certainly want you around. Isn't that why they asked you to come see me, right, because they were worried about you?"
"Isn't that one more reason why I shouldn't be acting on this?" Machaira countered. "How can I be a good friend, let alone a good girlfriend, if I don't respect myself?"
"That's true," Jawbone admitted. "You need to respect yourself in order to respect others. But Adaine seems to think you're a good friend. You call her your best friend. You also seem to spend a lot of time with her one-on-one. Why would she do that if she doesn't want you around?"
"Because she pities me," Machaira grumbled bitterly.
"I don't believe that," Jawbone denied calmly. "And I don't think you do, either. When you first came in, you said had something new to talk about. But the problem here are not your new feelings, it's your old ones. Last time, you admitted that you were having problems with how you saw yourself, right? We talked about not letting what other people said about you in the past define you right now? I think that's a real problem here."
"Machaira, there's two ways most students view their early relationships. The first way is that they treat a casual relationship more seriously than it really is. The second way is that they trivialize serious, intense emotional bonds because they're afraid of rejection. And you have degraded your feelings as a stupid crush so many times since you walked in, I think you're trying to convince yourself and not me. It's perfectly natural to be afraid of your first real, healthy, intimate relationship, especially coming from your history of less than healthy – "
"Fucking," Machaira interrupted savagely. "You can just say it. I haven't had anything real before."
"At least you're acknowledging that the emotions you have now are real," Jawbone told her. Machaira hissed, and her tail sprang from her lap to whip about the chair legs. The werewolf ignored this. "A few years back, I was running dragon spice with this Halfling who wasn't lucky, the only Halfling I'd ever heard of who wasn't lucky. And he would spend all of his money paying prostitutes to choke him and step on his balls because he had been told that was what he deserved because he was an unlucky Halfling who threw firebombs into temples and chronically shit in his pants. And he was always saying that he was shit and felt like shit and that he couldn't get off unless someone else choked him and called him trash and stepped on his balls and how it wasn't the same when he tried to do it himself. But I stayed with him and I killed for him right up until the day he was choked to death by an overweight half-orc transvestite because he stood by me when I needed him. And the bond we shared went deeper than mangled testicles and bad luck and smuggling dragon spice over the border by rolling it into five-pound balls and shoving them up our assholes." Jawbone took a sip of tea. "His fears and his fetishes and his weakness did not define him, and I appreciated the good parts of that Halfling alongside the bad even if he couldn't. But, ultimately, we can't let our fears control our behavior or it'll kill us."
Sometimes Machaira truly did not have a response to the things Jawbone told her. She chugged her coffee, taking at least a sliver of comfort from the caffeine and sugar. The rogue was conscious of how tightly she had to press her lips together to keep the coffee from spilling out the side of her jaws.
"I don't want to lose her," the tabaxi repeated hollowly. "Now that I have Adaine in my life, I… I don't want to go back to living without her. I want her to be happy, even if it's not with me, so long as I don't lose my best friend." Machaira squeezed her eyes closed against the hot prickles pushing up against her lids. "I can't lose her. Not over a stupid crush."