That room is all I see when I close my eyes. I can still see their faces above me while they laughed. They called me names. They did things to me and I got no power to even lift a finger. I was theirs and I had no say in the matter. Back in the Capitol, the alcohol and the pills helped to keep them out of my head. I stopped seeing them when I was high so I kept it like that. It was easier I felt free from all those horrible times of my life and when it wears off, I would get high again just to forget even it's just for a little while. Now, I can't do that. I am grateful for the help and I understand why you did that. I understand why Johanna brought me here. No one is forcing me to stay sober and clean now but I do it for you and the kids. It's just hard most of the times because I feel so exposed. I cannot shield myself away from them and their laughs, their insults, their faces…everything. I am scared that they will show up one day and take me back to that room and I will never going to get out again.
Haymitch longed for the bottle. He knew a lot of terrible things happened to Effie in the Capitol when she got left behind but he didn't expect it to be like that. He thought it's all physical. Peacekeepers beating or torturing her was the one who came to his mind but not that room and what they did to her in that room. Snow used her as a reward for those who remained loyal to him knowing how men in the Capitol desired Effie. It's worse than torture and the whip. He finally understood why she always tensed when someone get close to her even it's them. She always flinches when he touches her or Katniss or Peeta. It's not because of them but because of what happened to her. It made her scared of the world when the old Effie used to see beauty in it.
His blood is boiling but at the same time he saw how it helped Effie to tell it out loud. She's been keeping it inside for quite some time. She told Peeta before but she didn't tell him all the gory details. She couldn't bring herself to do that to the boy but she fully trusts Haymitch and knew he can handle it so she unloaded all to him. It doesn't matter now if he's the one having trouble with his emotions. Effie is the most important thing to him now. He wants her to feel better and feel safe with him.
"Aren't you going to sleep?" she asked while lying on the bed.
"I thought you're already sleeping", he muttered.
"I was but I felt alone and I opened my eyes I saw you there", she explained.
Haymitch smiled a little and climbed to bed. Effie didn't flinch this time. She welcomed his arm as he put it around her for comfort. It's their usual position when they sleep.
"No one is going to hurt you anymore, princess. I promise", he whispered to her ear.
"I know that. That's why I want you to sleep here with me", she said and smiled.
It made him happy when he saw that smile. It wasn't forced or fake. It's her genuine smile, the one he's been longing to see for a long time.
The following days have been better. Effie became more open and has been spending a lot of time outside the house though not outside the village. She's been into gardening and renovating their houses. Effie grew fond of his geese and insisted sometimes to feed them herself. At night, she will comfort herself with Haymitch's books to take her mind off things since night is when she's most scared. They cuddled up with each other until they both fell asleep and they wake up in each other's arms in the morning. All is going well but Effie is just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Since her previous life has been shattered by the games and the rebellion and the war, she learned not to settle with what's going on around her. She taught herself that nothing lasts forever. If her life in the Capitol didn't last, if President Snow didn't last, then certainly what she's having right now will not last. She holds back at most everything. When she's being too happy, she holds herself back. She doesn't want to be disappointed in the end. She already knows how much that hurts and she knows how much that cost her before. So when Haymitch snuck up behind her while she was in the kitchen preparing tea to surprise her with flowers he picked from the woods, Effie flinched and stepped back from him.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
She wants to tell him what she's thinking but she knows it will only upset him and then worry him.
"You startled me. That's all. I'm sorry", she answered.
He bought that. He snuck up on her in the first place so she has every right to be startled. He walked towards her and put his arms around her to comfort her but he felt her tensed in his arms which never happened before. She always relaxed when he hugged her. Something is off. Haymitch pulled back.
"Okay, tell me and be honest. I don't want to drag Sae here to know the truth", he insisted.
"Things are fine. I swear. It's just that sometimes I don't want to get involved too much with everything so it will not hurt a lot when they all got taken away from me", she revealed.
She expected for him to retaliate, yell, make snappy comments, or find what she said ridiculous but he did none of that. He just nodded.
"Waiting for the other shoe to drop, princess?" he asked with a small smile and she nodded. "Yeah, I get that. I've been doing that since I won my game. It's a hard habit to shake when things are going pretty well and you cannot believe you've got this far to experience it, you just suddenly wait for something bad to happen because you're used to things going wrong. I understand that. Why do you think I made you angry when you're being nice to me back then? You were making me feel good and I pushed you away because I was waiting for something wrong to happen. You don't have to be ashamed to tell me that, princess", he said.
Effie sighed in relief. Of course, he understands. He has lived a much troublesome life than she has. He knows.
"Yeah, you really nailed the description of it", she muttered and looked at the flowers in his hand. "Is that for me?" she asked and he handed it over. "Guess, I should wait for flowers to drop then", she teased and then they both laughed.