Chapter 16: Marry Me Meredith

Derek sat in the gallery, looking through the glass window down into the OR. His eyes followed the surgeon under the hello kitty scrub cap. She was mean, orderly, and a pain in the ass…. but she worked flawlessly, beautifully, and her mistakes were few and far between. He knew, and had for a long time, that she was without a doubt, the love of his lifetime. There would be no one who could ever brush the same level she was in his mind…. but he was getting older, and he needed something to rely on.

He wanted to settle down, he wanted to be married and have a family. Of course, he wanted it to be with her, more than anything. But she was nowhere near ready, and he didn't know how to even begin to move on…but he knew that he had to. He could feel the deep lines of pain in his face as he watched her operate on her patient.

"You don't look like a guy who's thinking about popping the question to his girlfriend."

Derek looked over and smoothed out his pained expression. "Christina, right?"

She nodded "So I'm not really the intimate conversation kind of girl. But Meredith means a lot to me, and I know you mean a lot to her…so what's with the long face?"

"It's just not easy." He mumbled "Not as easy as I thought it would be."

"To move on, or hang on?"

"You really like reading people don't you?"

"I wouldn't say I like it so much as it's a talent of mine." She sighed "So which is it?"

"A little of both."

"So you're what…26-27? You are feeling you are at a point you want to move on. And the person you want to move on with doesn't want to. So, you move on with someone else."

"Maybe you should have gone into psychiatric." He laughed.

"I'm being nice." She glared "Don't push me."

"It should feel better." He said, "I'm getting what I want, I should be happy."

"You're not getting what you want." She said, "You're settling, and you have to expect a certain level of unhappiness when you settle."

"I can't stay here forever." He said, "Like you said, I'm 29 and I need…."

"What?"

"I need something I can hold onto." He said "And Meredith, as you know…she doesn't like to be held onto, not for long."

"Have you told her how you feel?"

"Yes, dozens of times."

"No, have you told her how you REALLY feel?" Christina clarified.

"What do you mean?"

"Meredith is a very strong person, and as you know she loves to push people. I'm pretty sure she gets off on it actually." Christina smirked "And I don't know you but you sound like a strong person too…. when you're away from Meredith."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that she's your candy." She explained, he scrunched his brow up looking confused still "You know, like parents getting their kids to do just about anything when they flash candy in their face."

"Oh."

"She's your weakness, and I'm sure you've tried talking to her, but have you really told her how you feel without her persuading the conversation otherwise?"

"No." he mumbled "I've always agreed with her, always let her end the conversation. Because I didn't want to lose her, I figured having her in one way was better than not at all."

"Maybe it's time to let go." She said, "Maybe it's your turn to be selfish."

"I don't want to let her go."

"Sometimes you have to let something go." She said "If it comes back to you, it's meant to be."

"I've let her go hundreds of times, we always make it back to each other. But it's never enough."

"So tell her that."

You've got all that I need
Looking at all or nothing, babe it's you and I

Derek stood in the hallway, outside the scrub room and paced back and forth as he tried to think of what to say, he rehearsed his speech a million times over and yet it still didn't seem right. He waited until everyone had left the OR, he knew that she would be the last person to leave. She was like the captain of her ship, should it sink, she'd go down along with it.

With you I know that I am good for something
So let's go give it a try

He finally saw her enter the scrub room and start to scrub out, he gulped and took in a deep breath as he opened the door and walked in, she looked up at him and smiled, he couldn't help return it. Smiling was so easy with Meredith, even when his heart felt as if it were about to shatter.

"That was a great surgery." He said.

"Thanks." She smiled "You were welcome to join me."

"I was enjoying just watching you." He said. "And I know that you're going to do great tomorrow."

"Of course I will." She smirked "And I have to let my overconfident ego admit that it'll be nice to have you there helping me along."

We got our backs against the ocean, It's just us against the world
Looking at all or nothing, Babe it's you and I
Looking at all or nothing, Babe it's you and I

He felt a knot twist in his chest…"I won't be there."

"What?" she frowned "Of course you are…it's the whole reason you came out here."

"I see that it's in good hands though." He said, "So I'm leaving…tonight."

"Oh." She mumbled as she dried her hands off, disappointment was washed all over her face "Well I guess you have stuff you need to get back to."

"I'm going to ask Kylie to marry me."

Let's take a chance go far away today, And never look back again
Since I said I loved you in Las Vegas, It's never been the same since then

"Oh." She gulped, he thought he might have even seen her flinch, but she plastered a smile across her face that he knew was fake "Well congratulations, I hope it makes you happy."

"No." he shook his head "It's not what will truly make me honestly happy. But it's what I have to do to be happy with the life I live. I have to grow up Meredith."

"So grow up." She muttered "If that's what you want!"

You've got all that I need
Looking at all or nothing, Babe it's you and I

"I know what I want." He said, he grabbed her hands into his and held them tightly "I know you're scared because you've had a bad example; your parents were both doctors and they loved their jobs more than each other, they fell apart. But that won't happen to me, because there's one thing that I love more than my career, and more than anything else in the world. And it's right here in my hands." Her breath trembled a little, she gulped as she felt something hard pressing between their hands, she glanced down as he pulled away his hand from hers. It was small, round, platinum, sparkly and cradled in the palm of her hand "Marry me Meredith."

"Derek." She whispered, tears started to rim her eyes.

With you I know, I am good for something
So let's go give it a try

"I love you. I've only ever loved you." He said, "But if you can't love me back the same way, then I have to go."

"I can't." she whispered "Derek I've never pretended to be a bride, I've never written my name as a Mrs. So-and-so. I can't marry you, I wouldn't be a good wife and I just don't want to. Things are great, I love how things are and I do love you. Just please, leave them as they are."

We got our backs against the ocean
It's just us against the world

"They're not great." He said, his eyes burning with tears and anger "Not for me."

"Derek?"

Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I

"I guess this is it." He said, now the one faking a smile "You're going to do great in surgery tomorrow, because you're an excellent surgeon. Your mother would be proud."

Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I

He leaned in and softly pressed his lips to her cheek, her eyes closed, and a single tear escaped. The kiss was short and ended too soon for either of them. She kept her eyes closed but heard his footsteps retreat, she couldn't watch him go. He left her there, standing alone, still holding a ring with a now empty promise.

This is it nothing to hide
One more kiss never say goodbye