A Long Way Home
by Castlefan6
Authors Note: Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!
I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.
A/N This may or may not end up as a Caskett fic, if that bothers you, please wait for updates to see which direction the story goes. Respectful comments are always welcome, trolls will be deleted.
Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.
Previously
"Good Afternoon All, At the risk of bodily harm, or at least a few poison pen letters I am braving this to do something my dear and best friend absolutely detests, pulling a surprise on him. Rick, I'm sorry but it's the only way we could get you here to present to you something that has been sitting in my desk for a few months now.
"If you could look around you would see your friends from the 12th precinct who have made their presence here today to congratulate you, and to share your moment of fame. To all those who don't know, a few months back our city and its citizens were in danger, grave danger. Details can't be disclosed but we saw heroic actions from several people that day, today is the day we recognize those actions. Captain Roy Montgomery, Lead Detective Katherine Beckett, and Detectives Kevin Ryan and Javier Esposito, can you come forward please."
As they were filing into the front of the room, Rick's pulse shot up, and Gina's reassuring grip on his hand was supplemented by her other hand gently rubbing circles behind his thumb, she could feel the pulse start to return to normal, and Rick was doing a great job of not letting on anything was bothering him.
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Chapter 17
Mayor Weldon's Office
Large Conference Room
Thursday, 12:50 PM
Gina and Rick found themselves alone, well mostly Beth was only a few rows behind them, but out of direct earshot,
"Rick, you know you owe her a face to face, this is a safe environment, so please, don't put yourself into that standard, go talk to her Love, she deserves at least that, do it for me, please?"
Rick knew he was defeated, and when he turned around to walk, there she was, less than a foot away,
"Hello Rick, can we talk?"
"Hello Kate, how have you been?" he began, struggling to regain his normal voice.
"I've been better, but I guess a whole lot worse as well. I wanted to thank you for intervening with Mr. Mayor to have the letter removed from Roy's and my files, it meant a great deal to us both." She was having the same problem Rick was, finding and keeping her speaking voice
"You're welcome, I don't know why Bob came so apart at the seams you were only doing what you thought was best like I always said the heart wants what the heart wants and you wanted Josh to be close at hand, I understand" He got out,
"No Rick you don't understand, and look I know you weren't expecting to see me today, it's got to be a shock, I'm sorry but the whole awards ceremony was a secret to Roy and us all at the 12th. I screwed up, big time, I wrote you pages and pages in a journal that so far I've only talked about with the Police psychologist, but I would like to tell you about them, in a bit more private setting, if you can spare me, at least time for a coffee. I understand you have someone now, and I promise I won't embarrass you or her, by doing what I wanted to do for years now."
"Wait, what, who do I have? You know Gina and I are not back together, right? Yes, we love each other very much and we were able to mend some fences caused by the divorce, BUT we both know that neither of us will ever be happy in a marriage, we tried it once, and it almost killed us. So, who do I have?"
"Well, I think her name is Beth, she's lovely Rick, and you don't have to be polite, I know I really rubbed Josh into you, I tried to apologize, in the voice mails, I guess you haven't had time to listen to, or you deleted them, I understand."
"Excuse me one moment, I'll be right back," he left walked about 12 steps and whispered something into Beth's ear, and then took her by the hand and walked back to Beckett.
"Good Afternoon Detective, I'm Rick's Administrative Assistant, my name is Elizbeth Smithers, but I prefer Beth, I've heard a great deal about the muse for Nikki Heat, it's good to finally meet you" as she extended her hand.
"Hi Beth, you seem to know me, but did you say you were Rick's Administrative Assistant? In the UK?"
"Yes, yes, I am, I also help Gina out from time to time if our Schedules, (pronounced SHELL ULES) permit. Congratulations on your award, I know this was a complete surprise to Rick. Well if you will excuse me, I must get back to Alexis and Gina, it was great to meet you" as she half curtsied and turned and walked away.
"Is that the one you have me with Detective?" Rick had grown a little bolder in his tone,
"Look, I'm sorry Rick, I mean I just saw her with you, how she looks at you and well, I just thought*"
"Thought what, Kate, that I would rebound and grab onto the first relationship available, you would have been right 15 years ago, but I learned with Meredith, sometimes it's better to have no relationship than one as toxic as that one."
"Rick, I really would love a chance to talk to you, I promise no funny business, but if you could give me just a little time, there are things I need to say to you and well, as she turned her head to see Espo leaning in to hear, as you can see these aren't the most private conditions"
"Excuse me one moment, I need to say something to Bob, I'll be right back,"
He walked over to the mayor, shook his hand then pulled him into a Bro Hug, then turned and walked over to Gina and Alexis, from the look on the younger Castle's face she wasn't happy, but Gina said something and she seemed to relax, Rick kissed them all, Gina, Alexis and Beth on the cheek and walked back to her.
"OK, let's get out of here, anyplace you have in mind, the loft is out, not sure where you want to go?"
"Can we go to Remy's, I saw you didn't eat much, and to be honest neither did I, we could get our booth, that's about as private as it gets, plus if Javi walks in there, he knows I will shoot him."
"Well, one thing Kate, just some ground rules, I don't want to go over the last three years, all the lies and the hurt, so the first lie you tell me, will be the last, plus I need to thank you for the book for my birthday so I'm buying, those are the rules, are you good with them?"
"Let's get out of here then, I agree to the rules." As she turned and gathered her purse,
As they left City Hall, "Rick asked, you want a cab or would you prefer to walk?"
"Do you mind walking? I mean we could get a cab if you want Rick"
"Walking is fine Kate, we can talk in private, well mostly" as he noticed a few paparazzi following them.
"I got this," she walked over to a uniformed cop, showed her badge said something then waited, as the cop, and two more back-ups circled the paparazzi who took off running"
"Well played Detective, well played. Speaking of how the hell did you get Abe to sell you that Casino Royale, Kate, I offered him over $50,000 for it less than a week before, and I know that kind of money is not what you have for discretionary spending, not to be offensive."
"No offense taken Rick, when you asked me what I paid for it, then offered to pay half, at first I got upset, then I remembered that you only wanted me to have money to retire on, not blow it all on a shot at getting you to talk to me.
"I'm so sorry Rick, I really am. I don't know why I couldn't see him for the slimeball he was, but worse, I'm sorry I ever compared him to you. There is no comparison, I've spoken to my therapist and do you realize you have saved my life 8 times during the time we worked together, how could I have been so stupid."
"You weren't stupid Kate, you just wanted a relationship that would fit into your top priority so badly, you looked past a lot of things, we all do from time to time. "
"Do you remember the phone call to thank me, I know I'll never forget it. You were so kind when I told you about being cheated on, and then you said something that I haven't gotten over, WHY? Why should you rub it in, I think you said I'd learn sometime, but you were betting I would fall into the same trap with the next pretty face I dated.
"I asked you then what if I had already found what I wanted; do you remember what you said? I mean we talked about a lot of things that day, I don't expect you to remember the details as I do, I mean I clung to every word, for the lo*"
"I told you 'I would say you are on the rebound and need at least six months of a clear head, but of course it's your life,' perhaps that wasn't the kindest thing to say, but you had made it clear to me on several occasions that you didn't need or want a babysitter, as I think you put it." Kate turns red and lowers her head, once again, her words coming back to bite her in the ass.
"I'm sorry to jump to conclusions about you and Gina, and for all the times I said it was my life, that was perhaps the cruelest thing I could have said to the one man who was always there for me, no matter how shitty I treated you, Rick, words can't express how sorry I am, and how much your forgiveness means to me.
"Please, believe me, I told him not to come, and when I felt his arms slip around me, and I saw the look on your face, I knew that I had hurt you worse than any other time since we met. I texted you, trying to get you to call me, to talk about it, but you just clammed up and said enjoy my time off, knowing Rick you were leaving the next day.
"I'm sorry but I'm well I was your partner, and that hurt, really hurt Rick, you were gone and I had no way of reaching you or talking to you. I wanted to tell you so badly that I loved you for so long but as usual, I took the cowards way out. When I did finally tell you, well you reacted far differently than I expected. I've discussed this with Doctor Burke and he's made me understand that I was sending all kinds of mixed signals, how were you to know which were true and which were fake"
"It sounds like the Doctor is good for you Kate, therapy isn't a cure-all, but if you put the work in, put one foot in front of the other, and know that no matter how bad the day is, tomorrow will be better you'll get through it," Rick said with a faraway look in his face.
"You've been in therapy, haven't you? Who caused it Rick, oh God not me, please don't tell me I put you there?"
"Relax Kate, it happened before I knew you, I hadn't gotten over Kyra, then Meredith, then well it's not important but another bad breakup long before Gina and I got together, had me on the ropes. I think somedays if it hadn't been for Alexis, well, eh, I just don't know so yes, I understand depression, sadness and hurt, far more than the class clown is given credit for"
Her face turns a crimson recalling her words, and telling him that was what she considered him to be,
"I used humor often to deflect hurt, not being good enough, Hell three relationships, three in the dumper, so what's the common denominator, me. That's why no matter how many bestsellers, how much money, how many people want to be around me, is if for me, or for what I can give them. Esposito and Ryan were never my friends, they were yours, they tolerated me because of Knicks tickets, weekends with the Ferrari, and free booze at the Haunt, to say they are my friends, No I really can't.
"Do you remember what else I said Rick, I mean, I don't want to put you on trial, but that conversation has stayed with me, it's been 5 months 2 weeks, and 4 days, so, I'm near your 6-month threshold to have a clear mind, and yes I still Love You, I always will. I said something else, and your reply is perhaps the one thing I regret most. I said you had to know how I felt,
"You replied, 'stay in the car Castle, he saved a life this morning Castle, what did you do make waffles, can I shoot him now or do I have to wait, if this was telling me how you felt, then I got the right message, I never felt loved by you', I almost died hearing those words, knowing how deeply they hurt you.
"Kate, you said a lot of things, many I knew you didn't mean, but after a while, they wear on your confidence, you always said, what would a world-famous author see in a cop, yet I felt inferior, and those words just made me feel even less of a man. Finally, when I got hurt, and yes Josh was the turning point I stood up, knowing then I was killing any hope of every keeping you as a friend, much less anything more. It didn't matter then, and frankly, it hasn't changed today.
"You say you love me, yet not much has changed, you're still chasing the man who hired your Mom's killer, and that's fine, I knew that when I met you. I thought somehow, someway I could work over, under or around those walls to reach your heart, and when I failed the last time, you chose Josh over me, knowing that you loved me, but you were afraid of not having your Mom's case as your number one priority.
"It was time to regroup and take control of my life If I stayed, you would pull us both under, I think you said you had gone down the rabbit hole earlier, well, I couldn't allow that, not with a family. I had to walk away."
Tears had formed in her eyes, yet she walked on matching him step for step, she paused a few minutes to regain her composure, and then asked, "Rick, I asked if you hated me during that call, and could you ever forgive me. You told me you didn't hate me, but you weren't ready to forgive me, I hope you are now.
You also told me the line I have gone over and over in my head, even asked Doctor Burke for help, when you said,
'I've had my heart broken before, I've been cheated on, lied to, but I never have been made to feel less than what I know I am, a man with my own unique qualities. I don't need a badge, a gun, a scalpel, I make a difference in my own way. You not only stabbed me, but you also twisted it so I could feel the full effect every chance you or your boys got.'
I want you to know that I listened to those words, Javi has even written you a letter of apology, I know it's far too little too late, but I wanted you to know that I am trying Rick, as you said, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, I am trying. I need to know; can you forgive me now?"
"I lied Kate, I had already forgiven you, but I guess I wanted you to feel some of the pain I had felt, and for that I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that."
"I don't expect you to believe me, but I do Love You with all of my heart Rick, I hope I can prove it to you before it's too late, but I understand. I waited long enough to tell you, so I can only hope I'm not too late"
"Hey, it's time to eat, we're here," Rick said, as they saw the big familiar sign that so many good and tough times had meals served to them together, it seemed fitting to end the conversation where so many others had been started, or completely ignored. Rick was glad they talked, but no way ready for a relationship with Kate, or with anyone yet, his heart was still healing.
As they were having their walk and talk, Beth, Alexis, and Gina were having one of their own. Alexis was totally against her father even talking to the Detective, and she made it no secret.
Beth was quiet, but very sincere when Alexis asked her, "Beth, after working with my Dad this long what are your thoughts,"
"Honestly Alexis? I love him, in fact, I think I am falling in love with him, but I won't step in between anyone he already loves."
Alexis smiled, "Don't worry, just give him some time, she hasn't changed and will only hurt him again, if he goes down that same path, just be patient please"
TBC