Chapter 16 - Kaworu Nagisa and the Scaredy-Cat Polka, Part 2
Central Dogma, the bridge, minutes later...
The Angel alarms blared to life, startling everyone present.
"Major, Unit-03 is activating!" Makoto reported.
Misato looked at the monitor with worry. "That's impossible!" she said as she looked towards Shigeru. "Where's Toji?!"
"He and Shinji are in the locker room, they were changing to get ready for their own tests," the long-haired tech reported.
Misato was stunned. "Then who in the world is..."
"It's unmanned!" Maya reported. "No entry plug's present within Unit-03!"
Dammit, Rits, you might be right, Misato grimly thought to herself.
Another alert soon appeared on the monitor.
"A developing AT-Field's been detected in Central Dogma!" Makoto reported with alarm.
"Unit-03?" Misato asked.
"No, pattern blue!" Makoto replied. Sure enough, another monitor confirmed the pattern was indeed blue. "No doubt about it-it's an Angel!"
"Dammit, Rits, you're definitely right!" Misato said. Meanwhile, Kaworu/Tabris and Unit-03 were already making the descent into the lower depths of the base, heading towards Terminal Dogma. His journey didn't go unnoticed by the bridge crew.
"Target has passed through Level 4 and is still descending!" a male tech reported.
"It's no good! We can't cut the power to the linear carriage!" Shigeru added.
"Target has passed through Level 5!" another tech confirmed.
"Emergency lockdown! Close all partitions in Central Dogma!" Fuyutsuki ordered. "Buy us some time, no matter how little."
Soon the emergency lockdown protocols were activated, and as all entrances were sealed, any personnel on the lower levels were ordered to evacuate.
"I never imagined SEELE would send one directly to us," Fuyutsuki lamented.
Gendo held the bridge of his nose exasperatingly. "Why couldn't it have been the kid with the striped pants...?" he groaned. "*SIGH* It appears the old men intend to step up the schedule by forcing our hand."
Speaking of the old men, the SEELE council was convening around the same time, having been tipped off by a small tracer Kaworu/Tabris had on him.
"So, it has begun," SEELE-02 noted. "Humans forget their foolishness and repeat their mistakes."
"If humans won't redeem themselves willingly," SEELE-03 started to say, "then they'll never change."
"We won't rely on the powers of Adam or the Angels," SEELE-04 affirmed.
"Our only choice," Kihl asserted, "is to make changes with our own hands for the future. I will be praying that Unit-01 will accomplish its task."
NERV HQ, still in the middle of its internal assault...
"Unit-03's still breaking through the armored partitions!" Shigeru reported. One-by-one, the partitions as depicted on the monitor were automatically designated 'damaged' with each breakthrough.
"Target's passed through Cocytus 2!" Makoto added.
Gendo looked up from his perch. "Send the remaining EVAs after it," he commanded. "Stop it from invading Terminal Dogma at all costs."
"Yes sir," replied Misato as she eyed the commander warily. "Why did it take Unit-03...?" she wondered.
Fuyutsuki leaned down to speak to Gendo. "Could it be planning to merge with Unit-03?" the former professor asked.
"Or possibly to bring about destruction," Gendo ominously replied.
Soon enough, Shinji, Asuka and Rei scrambled to their EVAs; Toji found himself watching from the bridge.
"Aww man, why'd MY EVA have to get hijacked again?!" he lamented.
"Sorry, Toji," Ritsuko said. "It was out of our control." She then noticed something off about the room. "Wait a minute, where's Jun?"
Misato looked down at Toji. "Wasn't he with you and Shinji in the locker room?" she asked.
"Yeah, but when we got the order to scramble, me and Shinji ran ahead, but we didn't see if Jun was behind us," Toji answered.
Misato face-palmed. "Great, just great," she lamented, "one pilot candidate's an Angel, and the other's AWOL...Whatever, we can't worry about that right now." She then turned to the comms. "Pilots, you know the situation?"
"We got it," Rei replied from Unit-00's plug.
"I still can't believe it," Shinji said, "how could he be an Angel?!"
"Well you better believe it," Asuka told him, "'cause I hate to say I TOLD YOU SO!"
"Save it, Asuka," Misato ordered. "Fact is, Kaworu's an Angel, and he must be stopped. Move out!"
The elevator shaft...
Kaworu/Tabris and Unit-03 continued to descend more and more towards Terminal Dogma. Kaworu/Tabris looked up, figuring he was no longer alone.
"You're late, Shinji..." he muttered to himself. Soon enough, the purple form of Unit-01 could be seen closing in, followed by Units 02 and 00.
"You lied to me, Kaworu!" Shinji cried with anger. "We shook hands! You said we'd still be friends!"
"No use dwelling on it, baka," Asuka said, "don't let your man-crush get in the way, he's gotta be put down!"
"I don't have a man-crush!" Shinji balked back. "...Not that there's anything wrong with that!"
Soon enough, Unit-01 closed in on Kaworu/Tabris and Unit-03.
"I've been waiting for you Shinji," Kaworu/Tabris said, the smile still present on his face as he manipulated Unit-03 to grapple with Unit-01. The two giants were locked, unyielding as they jockeyed for position.
"Sorry, Toji," Asuka said as she got closer, "better it than us!" She soon had EVA-02 draw its prog knife as it moved in for the kill, only for the possessed Unit-03 to draw its own knife and intercept her blade.
"The EVA series..." Kaworu/Tabris noted. "Born from Adam, they are an abhorrent existence for humans, and the Lilim will even use them in order to survive." The smile left his face as he said this. "I can't understand."
"Kaworu, stop it, please!" Shinji pleaded. "Why do this?!"
"The EVA are made of the same body as I am," the Angel of Free Will replied. "Because I am born from Adam as well. I could merge with them, if only they didn't have souls. Unit-03 would be close, yet it is still tainted by the stuff of souls."
Shinji took the moment to take advantage of Asuka occupying Unit-03 to make a go at taking out Kaworu/Tabris. He thrust his own prog knife towards the human-looking Angel, only for it to be blocked by a familiar orange, octagonal energy pattern.
"An AT-Field!" Shinji said with worry.
"That's right," said Kaworu/Tabris, "what you Lilim call it. The sacred domain where none may trespass. The light of the soul."
"AH, SHUT IT with the pseudo-spiritual crap!" Asuka barked as she continued parrying Unit-03's knife thrusts. "Rei, where's the shot?!"
"Can't get a clear one!" Rei replied. "I might hit one of you!"
Kaworu/Tabris let a small smile return to his face. "Lilim, you know, don't you?" he wondered. "That the AT-Field is the wall that everyone has in their heart?"
"We don't know what you're talking about! Start making sense for God's sake!" Shinji shouted in turn. The struggle continued between the three EVAs until they finally hit the ground, which was noticed up on the bridge.
"The EVA units have reached the lowest level," a male tech reported.
"Target distance to Terminal Dogma: twenty," a female tech added.
Misato took a moment to get close to Makoto, to whisper something to him.
"If any of our Units' signals disappear and another change occurs..." she implored.
Makoto nodded, knowing grimly what Misato meant. "I know," he replied. "We set this place to self-destruct, right? Better than letting them set off Third Impact..." He then began typing in the sequence.
"I'm sorry," Misato apologized.
"It's okay," Makoto replied. "As long as we're all together in this."
"Thank you," she said.
Back on the floor of Terminal Dogma, Kaworu/Tabris advanced forward as he kept Unit-03 moving to hold the others back.
"The fate of man..." he mused. "The hope of man is written in sorrow."
He soon came upon the giant doors that guarded the entrance of the Chamber of Gauf.
"Kaworu, wait!" Shinji shouted as he pressed forward, while Asuka and Rei kept Unit-03 busy. Kaworu/Tabris soon opened the locks.
"Final safety's been released!" Shigeru reported.
"Heaven's Door's opening!" Makoto added.
Ritsuko looked on grimly. "So, an Angel's finally reached it..." she lamented.
Kaworu/Tabris hovered closer and closer to the cross where Lilith lay, looking upon it with awe.
"Adam, our progenitor," Kaworu/Tabris started to say, "must all who were born of you return to you, even at the cost of destroying humanity?" Suddenly, a realization hit him. "No! This is...Lilith?" The shock of realization soon wore off. "I see, so that's what this is about, Lilim."
He soon heard a noise from behind, and turned to see that Unit-03 had been disabled, while the other Units closed in on him, weapons drawn.
"Thank you, Shinji," Kaworu/Tabris said, the smile back on his face. "I wanted you to stop Unit-03. Otherwise, I may have gone on living with it."
"HEY! What're we, chopped liver?" Asuka barked.
"Kaworu, why do this? Why?!" Shinji asked.
Kaworu looked up at Unit-01 before he replied. "Because it's my destiny to continue to live, even if it may result in the destruction of humanity," he said. "But I can also die here. Life and death are of equal value to me. Dying of your own will. That is the one and only absolute freedom there is."
"You gotta be kidding me," Asuka said, "the kid's suicidal!"
"My last will and testament," Kaworu/Tabris continued. "Now, erase me from this world. If you don't, you will be the ones who are erased. Only one lifeform will be chosen to survive the time of destruction and be given a future. And you are not a being who should die. Your people need the future." He paused for a moment as the EVAs took aim with the rifles they'd slung over their shoulders. "Thank you. I'm glad I met you." He then scowled slightly for a moment. "If there's any other consolation for me, at least I'll be rid of that confounding Jun. That pest kept me up most of last night with an insipid John Candy movie marathon..."
"Whoa whoa WHOA," a new voice interjected, echoing throughout the chamber. "You dissin' the Candyman, kid? Ya REALLY must be suicidal, 'cause he who tires of John Candy is tired of LIFE."
It didn't take long for everyone to recognize the source of that voice.
"Waitaminute-" Asuka started to say.
"Jun?" Shinji wondered.
"JUN?!" the bridge staff also wondered.
Soon a purple puff of smoke appeared between Kaworu/Tabris and the EVAs, and Jun Byaku stood revealed, smiling smugly at the Angel of Free Will.
"Quite the speech, Tabby," Jun said. "Haven't heard somethin' that sad-sack since Sally Field at the '86 Oscars." He tilted his head to the side cockily. "Say, kid-" his voice then shifted to something very deep and menacing-"you ever dance with the devil by the pale moonlight?"
At that moment, on the bridge, the MAGI pinged at Makoto's station. His eyes went wide when he saw what alert was present.
"Uh, Major...?" he said as he pointed Misato towards the alert. When she and Ritsuko looked, their eyes went even wider, and so on among the staff.
The MAGI had detected a pattern tie-dye...coming right from Jun Byaku.
"Oh my god..." Shigeru muttered.
"It-it can't be..." Maya said uneasily.
"What? What is it?!" Asuka demanded over the comms.
"It's Jun..." Misato answered. "He's a...he's a ghost!"
"WHAAAAT?!" Shinji and Asuka both said, bewildered by what they'd just heard.
"Wuh-oh, guess the secret's out," Jun cheekily said. "Ah well, fun while it lasted." He then looked back up at Kaworu/Tabris. "'Scuse me while I offer a massive rebuttal to yer lil' diatribe there. Y'know how they say that th' greatest lie ever told by th' Devil wuz that he didn't exist? Well here's another for ya-th' SECOND-greatest lie ever told wuz a lil' somethin' called 'destiny'. Destiny is one o' th' biggest crocks ever invented, designed ta send th' fanatical ta an early grave. Ya call yerself th' 'Angel of Free Will'? Then where's yer defiance, man? Why aren't ya doin' whatever it is ya wanna? Why didn't ya give th' SEELE geezers th' finger an' go do yer own thing? Shows how much o' yer life ya wasted waitin' fer this day."
Kaworu/Tabris was greatly taken aback by Jun's words. "What would you know of my life? Yes, I may be the Angel of Free Will, but I was given this body for one purpose, and that has defined my life up till now. It was either destroy humanity, or be destroyed by humanity. I had no other options."
Jun couldn't help but laugh at the Angel's words. "Really? No other options? Buddy, there's ALWAYS a third option, one that Shinji here's been doing his darndest not ta give in ta ever since he an' Red hooked up."
"And that is?" Kaworu/Tabris asked skeptically.
Jun smiled as he started to transform. "Run away..." he replied as his form continued to shift.
Before the astonished eyes of the Angel, Shinji, Asuka, and the staff on the bridge, 'Jun' grew taller till he was about the size of an adult male. His hair grew longer and curlier, tropical patterns appeared on his shirt, and his sneakers adopted a more Converse style. A very frightened look appeared on Kaworu/Tabris's face as an accordion appeared slung over the man's shoulder. A collective gasp was heard among the staff on the bridge, as a number of people recognized the form that the being formerly known as Jun Byaku assumed.
"NO WAY..." Misato said, gobsmacked.
"You're kidding...!" Ritsuko added.
"...'Weird Al' Yankovic?!" cried Makoto, Maya and Shigeru simultaneously.
Up on his perch, Gendo gaped at the sight before him. "Oh, no...not again..." he groaned.
"Weirdlejuice" played a quick note on his accordion, causing Kaworu/Tabris to shudder.
"Are ya ready ta ROCK?!" he asked gleefully. Silence followed. "I said, ARE YA READY TA ROCK?!" he asked again as he played another note. Silence still followed, save for a few cricket chirps. "WELL...we don't do THAT anymore..." he said with faux disappointment, "...but there's plenty o' POLKA ta go around!" Weirdlejuice then snapped his fingers, and soon a black-and-white-striped EVA weapons locker appeared in the chamber. Suddenly, Unit-03 rose up, and it, along with the other three EVAs, straightened up at attention.
"WAS ZUR HöLLE?!" both Asuka and Kyoko said, dumbfounded.
"M-mom? What's going on...?" Shinji mentally asked Yui.
"I don't know," Yui replied, just as worried, "but I'm definitely not the one doing this!"
Weirdlejuice then pointed towards the locker, and the four EVAs walked to it single-file, the pilots unable to get their controls to respond. Unit-01 opened it up, and took out an EVA-sized banjo. Unit-02 followed and extracted a tuba; Unit-03 got out a bass; and Unit-00 removed a small drum kit. A few more ghosts and ghouls joined them in a flash to fill out a couple more wind instrument seats and a couple of brass seats; two of the spooks, on twin clarinets, looked like ghastly versions of the Shmenge brothers from SCTV.
Kaworu/Tabris was extremely shocked and horrified by this development. Somehow he, the most enigmatic of the Angels, had failed to keep his secret fear hidden. Despite the vast array of powers at his command, and despite his fascination with most human musical forms, the Angel of Free Will...had a crippling polka-phobia.
"Let's BOOGIE!" Weirdlejuice shouted, cuing the unconventional 'band' to get ready. "One two three FOUR!" The band then launched into a fast-paced polka, whose tune sounded strangely familiar to those who could feel it out. The thing that looked like 'Weird Al' definitely had the real thing's style down, right down to the lyrical content:
Like a cookster who has forsaken mayonnaise
Rise up, old boy, and make yourself a sandwich!
Some fries, and barbecued wings,
Are hiding behind the door of your fridge!
But you're glazing donuts as if you cannot see,
You just spray glaze everywhere, smiling stupidly.
Shinji and Asuka each were dumbfounded by the fact that they were in EVAs moving on their own, rocking back and forth and side to side in their entry plugs as their mechas played their instruments.
"V-v-v-verdammt!" Asuka shouted, "I-I-I-I th-th-th-thought I-I-I-I'd g-g-g-gotten a-a-a-away f-f-f-from th-th-th-this b-b-b-by l-l-l-leaving h-h-home!"
"I-I-I-I-I th-th-th-thought p-p-p-polka w-w-was one of th-th-th-the p-p-prides of Germany!" Shinji said as he was shaken.
"N-n-n-not t-t-t-to th-th-this German!" Asuka replied.
Your tray holds such condiments,
You're blind to the burn that will soon come to pass.
But it's summoning you, with a smell like a fish.
You slurp it without knowing why...
Misato turned a bright red as soon as she realized something was very familiar about the lyrics, a sight not unnoticed by Ritsuko.
"Misato? What's the matter?!" the scientist asked her friend worriedly.
"OH MY GOD-that's my fridge!" the tactical commander shouted with embarrassment. "He's singing about the inside of my fridge!" She then gave herself a face-palm. "*UGH* I'm never gonna live this down..."
But somehow, you know you'll be skewered,
And your pizza will finally melt.
Those wings in your fridge are just waiting to burn you.
The bathroom will soon set them free!
Kaworu/Tabris was in a heightened state of panic as he paced around, his hands covering his ears to no avail. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the giant form of Lilith actually bobbing its head along to the beat, a further confirmation of the differences between Adam's spawn and Lilith's.
This smoked beefsteak, an error's litany,
Will soon smoke out the windows of your place!
White-hot chili, a tasteless dish of beans,
This gruel thesis, don't try the onion juice!
Ritsuko shuddered as she listened closely, bad memories of Misato's cooking coming back to the forefront of her mind. Meanwhile, in Terminal Dogma, Kaworu was now running around in circles, hands still covering his ears.
Come now, you must embrace the recipe!
Rise up, old boy, and bake yourself...
Some cookies!
"NO! NO! Why, WHY did this have to happen?!" the Angel of Free Will said as he bemoaned his present situation. "Being squeezed to death by an EVA's hand I could take, but this?! NOOOOO-HOHOHOHO...!"
It took forever, so long...
Wrapped in foil and cradled with care...
But with the wind approaching, comes an alarmed cry;
It tells you the meat is charred...too bad!
At last, it was too much for Kaworu/Tabris to take. Hands still held to his ears, he looked around manically, until finally he came to a decision.
"Running away it is!" he declared. He then reached into himself and extracted the soul of Adam. "Apologies, Father, but you're on your own!" he said as he tossed the soul aside, which floated away somewhere no one could make out.
With that, he ran off screaming in terror, past the EVAs, through the doorway, up the entire elevator shaft, straight through the bridge (surprising all the staff present), up the car conveyor, and out of the Geofront, all at nearly superhuman speed. He didn't stop there, as he kept running and running till he'd left the city (if not the entire country of Japan) in the dust, as he sped across the Pacific, never stopping, until he was long out of sight.
At that moment, the band wrapped up its song, Weirdlejuice delivering the final note in the usual fine Yankovic fashion, complete with an upward kick. A good portion of the bridge crew actually applauded the performance, as everyone in the band, including the EVAs, took their bows. Weirdlejuice then snapped his fingers, and he, along with the spooks and the instruments, vanished in a puff of purple smoke, leaving only the EVAs, now back under their respective pilots' control. Shinji and Asuka had bamboozled looks on their faces, as if they were still questioning what the hell had just happened.
Misato shook her head to clear herself mentally as she got back into the mode of tactical ops director.
"Status?" she asked.
"Pattern blue no longer detected within Terminal Dogma," Makoto reported. "Judging by how fast he was running out of here and how loud he was screaming...I estimate he won't be showing his face around here ever again."
It had truly been one of, if not the most harrowing battles with an Angel that NERV's finest had undertaken. How it would be recorded in the history books would be a matter for later generations to pursue, since the way the battle ended was bound to elicit a lot of skepticism and confusion. After all, who'd ever heard of an Angel being defeated by EVAs playing polka?
"I'm never gonna make fun of polka music as long as I live," Shigeru said as he slumped back into his chair. The rest of the staff were breathing a collective sigh of relief, a few even crying tears of joy. It may have happened unconventionally, if not in a downright off-the-hook way, but the last Angel had been defeated. Perhaps now they could finally move on with their lives.
Fuyutsuki wiped the sweat from his brow as he addressed Gendo. "I can honestly say that I'm glad that's over," he said, only to turn and notice that Gendo, at some point during the song, had fainted.
Back in Terminal Dogma, the pilots were trying to process this themselves. The only one who seemed undaunted by all that had just happened was Rei.
"Well that was fun," she amusingly said to her fellow pilots over the comms. "Think he does bar mitzvahs?"
Shinji and Asuka merely stared at her through the vid-feed, then at each other, before slumping over in dumbfounded exhaustion.
"Pilots, mission accomplished," Misato said over the comms. "When you're feeling up to it, grab Unit-03 and we'll work on getting the carriage down for you." She breathed her own sigh of relief, happy that her charges were still alive and unharmed. "Don't worry, we'll have you back up here in no time."
"R-roger," Shinji and Asuka both answered wearily, as they both had their EVAs pick up Unit-03 and started making their way out of the Chamber. Before she walked out, Rei turned Unit-00 in the direction of Lilith and shot her a thumbs-up. Lilith acknowledged the gesture with two thumbs-up of her own.
Gendo's office door, later...
Gendo walked with a weary hunch back to his office. This time, the scenario had REALLY gone off the track, if not the entire railroad. This was to be the big, second-to-last step: Shinji forced to kill the only person who actually sought him out as a friend, that he would latch onto, and then have his soul shattered as he was betrayed by said person. Instead, Tabris wasn't killed, nor did he try to initiate Third Impact; he ran like a coward after a supernatural facsimile of a renowned parodist led the EVAs in a polka performance that terrified the Angel. Where did I go wrong? Gendo thought to himself. What did I possibly do to have years of work undone in such f*****g bizarre ways? He let out an exasperated sigh as he finally reached for the knob and opened the door. When he looked in what normally was his office, he found instead a room lit only by a single overhead lamp. On the back wall were a number of random portraits and paintings. In the center was a poker table, and seated around it were a humanoid-looking orangutan, two chimpanzees, and a gorilla, all dressed like they came from some oddball science fiction setting, all of whom turned to look at the new arrival. Beetlejuice was seated in the center of the table, acting as the dealer (and dressed for the part as well). He looked up to see Gendo staring at the scene, a snide smile on his face.
"Hiiii, guy...Want me ta deal ya in?" Beetlejuice asked, holding out an inviting hand as he shuffled a deck of cards with the other. "Pull up a chair, don't be shy. Ya might go home a winner! Gotta warn ya, though, these guys have really good poker faces."
Gendo, no longer surprised but always disturbed by the scene before his eyes, slammed the door behind him. He sighed, opened the door again, and then saw his office back to normal, once again. He then walked inside, closing the door behind him, and barely made it halfway across the room before he fell to his knees.
"YOU MANIACS!" Gendo cried, pounding his right fist on the floor. "YOU BLEW IT UP!...Oh, DAMN you..." he cursed, as he then pounded his left fist on the floor. "God...DAMN you all to Hell!"
END Chapter 16.
**Author's Note(s)**
Ah yes, the point in the series where Kaworu comes to town. Not gonna lie, like Mike313 in his "Lone Heir of Krypton" story, I had the most difficult time figuring out how to write Kaworu. I knew that none of his usual moments would happen given how, well, more emotionally stable I wound up making the cast as this story progressed, so what you see is the 17th Angel being utterly baffled by everything happening, and all of it not going according to the designs he was given. Considering that Shinji wasn't in the sad state of affairs he was in during the actual episode 24, of course a lot of Kaworu's musings would go way over everyone's heads. The idea of Beetlejuice posing as the new pilot while Kaworu was also present was an idea I had from the start (think an anime You, Me and Dupree), as was the polka performance that capped off the fight.
Speaking of, full songwriting credit goes to Lexarius (he of the great still-in-progress crossover story "Stranger Visitations"), who penned the lyrics for the diddy central to the climax of this chapter. It's meant to be sung over a polka-ized version of none-other-than the very theme song of Neon Genesis Evangelion, "A Cruel Angel's Thesis". Thus, the title is "Misato's Pantry (A Cruel Angel's Polka)".
In the preceding chapter, Ritsuko breaks up with Gendo in the same manner as depicted in the classic Seinfeld episode "The Lip Reader", which coincidentally I riffed on earlier in my (still in-progress) "Shin-Feld" anthology. Also borrowed from Seinfeld was the iconic line from "The Outing", if you noticed.
Beetlejuice's reference to Sally Field is based on her speech that she gave at the 1986 Academy Awards ceremony. You know, the "You like me, you really like me" one.
The Shmenge brothers (as played by John Candy and Eugene Levy) were the leaders of the polka band The Happy Wanderers in the sketches that focused on them from SCTV.
Managed to throw in a couple of Burton nods this time around. Aside from another Batman quote, the scene Gendo encounters at the end is a riff on Burton's 2001 remake of Planet of the Apes, with Gendo going so far as, ironically, quoting Charlton Heston in the 1968 original.