I don't feel like being at work today. I don't have my hangover anymore and I'm not overly tired or anything like that because I've already had ample time in my off day yesterday to recover and catch up on my sleep. I just don't want to be here around other people. The only person I can even stand being around is Stephanie and she's on trauma with Kepner and Hunt today which means I won't see any of her at all because she'll be so busy. I spent the entire day in bed yesterday by the way. I literally did nothing but watch TV and pop headache pills for my hangover. I did some self-discovery while I was nursing my hangover, too. Like for example, I didn't know how much I liked crappy, redundant talk shows and crummy reality TV. Dr. Phil is my favorite and I despite how pathetic I felt, I couldn't bring myself to turn off that TV show about the Kardashians. While internally I'm glad to be back at work practicing medicine, I still kind of wish that I was home in my bed watching a couple more hours of television.
I'm never drinking again either. My plan was to drink so much at Heather and Leah's that I wouldn't be able to remember the night but I still remember everything vividly and the only thing that downing five cups of Calico Jack got me was a headache and a toilet full of vomit. I remember spending half the night with Alex and making out with him for what seemed like forever before he basically kicked me out and told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore. I remember crying like a baby in front of Steph when I got in the car. I remember going to Heather and Leah's and drinking more than half of my weight in rum. I vaguely remember being shirtless and bottomless sitting around the coffee table playing strip poker. I remember having to slap Shane out of staring at me because he literally almost drooled at the sight of me in my bra. He moved on to Steph after I slapped him. Then I remember going home and throwing completely up in the toilet and that's all.
To make matters a little bit better for me, it helps that I'm still apparently banned from Pediatrics. I don't want to work on Peds because I don't want to be around him and I damn for sure don't want to take orders from him even though he's my superior. I think I might be developing a slight hatred for him. I'm on General with Dr. Bailey and Dr. Grey today and even though I hate General with every bone in my body, it's better than being on Peds. It's way better than being on Peds. I haven't even been at work for two hours yet and already Dr. Grey and Dr. Bailey have been piling on the scut. So far, I've scheduled six consults, four surgeries, three outpatient procedures and seven CTs. Don't ask me when I became someone's flunky and personal assistant because when I woke up this morning, I'm sure that I was still a surgical intern.
All I've been thinking about today is avoiding Alex at all cost, staying out of Medusa's way and going to see Brynn. I haven't even so much as heard Alex's name yet today so I'm succeeding in that aspect, Dr. Grey isn't really being her usual Medusa self towards me today so that's another plus for me and if I time it right, I can go up on the Peds floor to see Brynn while everyone else is on lunch, that way I still won't have to see him. It sucks that I have to plan my entire day around him. Everything comes back to him. I don't want to be on Pediatrics because of him. I can't go up and see Brynn whenever I want to because of him. I can't roam the hallways to go places without looking over my shoulder because he might be there. It's all about him and I don't know how much longer I can take this.
Anyway, Dr. Grey wants me to round on one of her patients but I don't have my own code to get into the electronic chart system and she doesn't trust me with her code yet, so I had to go and grab the paper chart from the nurses' station. I got the chart and it doesn't look like his lactate is in a good range so I have to go find Dr. Grey and ask her if she should do an exploratory lap. I walk down the hallway of the ICU flipping through the pages of the chart. This really doesn't seem right to me. If the patient's been here for two days in the ICU like his chart says he's been, then why hasn't anybody caught this before me?
As I'm flipping through the pages of the chart, I don't look up to make sure nobody's in front of me and I pay for that. I collide with someone taller than me and the pages of the chart I was holding clatter all over the floor along with the pages and the clipboard that belong to whoever I ran into. Well isn't this day just off to a positive start? Immediately, I drop down to my knees to pick up the mess I caused and I start to apologize. "I'm so sorry… I wasn't looking where I was going and I—" The person I ran into is on their knees with me picking up the mess of papers and up until now, all I could see was the small feet that are inside pink New Balance sneakers but when she puts her head down to help me, I catch a glimpse of perfect, yellowish blonde locks. No fucking way.
"It's fine, I wasn't looking where I was headed to either. I have a habit of doing that." Of fucking course her voice is all soft and sweet and perfect to match her perfect face, perfect body, perfect EVERYTHING. When we both get what belongs to us gathered up in a neat pile, we stand up on our feet at the same time. "It wasn't your fault." I lift my head up because she might think it's rude that I'm not looking at her. Oh my goodness… She's so pretty! There's no way in hell I compete with her! She has the biggest, round chocolate brown eyes and her shoulder-length blonde hair is shinier than my hair could ever be. She's smiling and her teeth are so perfect and white and brighter than my entire future. And she's tall and curvy and her entire body is just… oh my god. She's like a senior cheerleader dating the quarterback and I'm the freshman band geek that wants to date the quarterback. That's the only way I can describe the difference between me and her.
"Still… I should've been paying attention." I close the chart I was looking at and shove it underneath my armpit for safekeeping. "Again… I'm sorry. I'm a little bit clumsy sometimes."
"…You're… You're Wilson, aren't you?" She's still smiling at me and she's so sweet and genuine. I have half a mind to tell her no, I'm not. I don't want to tell her that I'm the Jo that Alex wants her to meet. She'd probably be expecting someone prettier than the little brunette girl she just ran into. I should tell her that Leah's me. Leah seems like she'd be more Alex's type anyway. Leah would be a better Jo than me. "Jo's your name? Boy, this will suck if I'm wrong…"
She's funny too. No fair. Well, she's funny so I crack a smile. "Yeah." I adjust the chart underneath my arm and politely extend my hand out to her. I should be an award winning actress for being able to be civil with her. I just want to run away. "Jo Wilson… nice to meet you." She grabs my hand and shakes it with so much excitement.
"You're so cute." She tucks a piece of her hair behind her ear with her free hand and keeps shaking my hand. "Isobel Stevens, but you can call me Izzie." She takes her hand away from mine and I watch her eyes gloss over me from head to toe. If I was a hermit crab, I'd totally go back into my shell right now. "I'm Alex's fiancée." She's still looking at me like she's giving me a thorough examination. "He's always talking about you, but he never mentioned how adorable you were… You're the one that helped him pick out our wedding song, aren't you?" Looking down at the ground, I nod my head. "Thank you so much. If I had left the song choosing completely up to him, I would've been stuck dancing to some mainstream radio song. Excellent song choice"
"You're welcome. What'd he go with? I know he was having some trouble choosing from a couple…" Mental note to dress nicer at work. Granted there isn't much I can do with baby blue scrubs, but my hair could've been nicer. It's in a low ponytail that's all messy down my back.
"He was going to go with some song called Wanted but he said something about that song having a different meaning for him…so he went ahead with Collide by Howie Day."
"Collide is beautiful… I'm glad he went with something like that."
"No, I'M glad you helped him." She laughs softly with her mouth covered, like she's a princess or something that only does things the proper way. "Alex isn't the most sensitive guy."
"That's what I'm here for." I force a smile and fix my ponytail.
She gasps like I just did the greatest thing she's ever seen in her life. "Oh my gosh, is that your real hair? Your ponytail is so long and thick… like an actual pony's tail." She seems really fascinated and it's apparent to me why. I think Alex mentioned something about her having cancer and how she used to have long hair like me but it's still growing back from her chemotherapy. I'm just guessing that's why she's so interested in my hair, because most people just act like it's nothing.
"Oh…" I reach back and wrap my hand around all of my hair. "Um… yeah. It's all my real hair but it's… I just haven't had a cut in a few years that's why it's so wild." I clear my throat and think of something to say that'll lead her to believe that I'm not in the mood to just cry over the fact that I want her fiancé and I can't have him. "It's nice to finally meet you. This should've happened sooner, but… between my busy little intern schedule and Alex's schedule and your schedule…" I'm also a pretty good liar, in addition to everything else I'm good at.
"No, I totally get it. We're all busy people." Something tells me that Alex hasn't told her that him and me are no longer friends. I don't know why he would've but at this point, I'm really wishing that he did. I just feel like if he had told her that he isn't speaking to me any longer, she probably would have avoided this conversation with me and I wish I didn't have to talk to her and lie the entire time. "Alex seriously talks about you all the time." He does? "You're apparently one of his really good friends. Which is kind of a big deal because… I guess you've noticed that Alex can be hard to deal with sometimes."
You have no idea. "He and I are just very much alike and yeah… he can be pretty hard to deal with at times but he's… he's a lot of fun when you get to know him." Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear… Off in the distance, I see him coming up behind her. "Shit." I mouth to myself and put my head down. She didn't notice that I just cussed, thankfully.
"Hey…there you are." He comes up behind her and puts his hand against her shoulder like he's been looking for her all morning. "I went up to see you in Derm and you weren't there…" I squint my eyes to show my distaste towards him while he kisses her on her cheek and completely ignores the fact that I'm standing here. Okay, I know that she's in fiancée and all, but I can't help but feel like he's toying with her in front of me just to show me that he doesn't want me. Maybe I'm just being sensitive though. "…What's goin' on here?" He sounds chipper but I can't tell if he's faking or if he's trying to disguise the fact that he's worried. He probably thinks I told her about our kissing incident.
"I ran into your little friend here." She motions towards me and I plaster a very fake, forced smile on my face. I have that aching feeling in my throat that I get every time I'm about to cry. "How come you didn't tell me how sweet and cute she is? She's a sweetheart, babe." He nods like he wants her to shut up about me and gives her a kiss on her lips. "What were you looking for me for?"
"I just came up to see you for a couple minutes because I'm between surgeries." He's looking at her like she's everything in his world. I would sell my soul for him to look at me like that… "Am I not allowed to miss you and want to come see you? You act like it's a crime to love my wife." Again, he kisses her but deeper this time, with more meaning. My stomach is starting to hurt a little bit.
"I'm not your wife yet…" She smiles and wipes his bottom lip with her thumb.
"That can't happen soon enough…" He smirks and another kiss and another knot my stomach ties itself into. I have to go.
I pretend to look down at the watch on my wrist and check the time. Even though they're not even paying attention to me anymore, I still find it necessary for me to explain that I'm leaving. So I sweep a chunk of my ponytail that fell over my shoulder away and clear my throat. "I have to get this chart to Dr. Grey, so…" I take the chart from underneath my armpit and glance up. They're still practically making out with each other. Her arms are around his waist and he's holding onto her like she's his lifeline. Why does he insist on doing this to me? Like okay, I get it…you don't want me. He doesn't have to do this to me, I already get the picture. I hold onto the chart and politely brush past them even though I'm dying to just cry.
I don't understand why he felt the need to do that. It's like he doesn't think that he's already put me through enough humiliation and disappointment and rejection for one lifetime. No, he decides to hold an unnecessary make out session with his fiancée in front of me, as if I don't already get the very clear picture that HE'S GETTING MARRIED AND HE DOESN'T WANT ME. Even though she clearly doesn't know that I was just making out with her husband two nights ago, I'm still embarrassed. I haven't felt embarrassment and humiliation like I've felt within the last two days…ever. I don't recall ever being this humiliated and I don't like it.
And it doesn't help that she's super nice and extremely hard to hate. She's so nice… and she's caring. She called me cute and she cared enough to introduce herself and she complimented my hair. Call me crazy but I swear it would've been easier had she yelled at me for bumping into her. I'm really wishing that she would've just screamed at me and called me a stupid intern and told me that I can't do anything right. Hating her would be so much simpler than loving her. I mean, I don't know… I guess I'm glad that Alex's wife is someone nice. He deserves nice.
I sigh and yank the door to the ICU open to give this chart to Dr. Grey. I was supposed to round on this patient by myself but she's in his room which indicates to me that she already rounded on him and I'm probably in trouble…all because I got caught up with Alex and his perfect little wife. "…Sorry I'm late, Dr. Grey. I had a run in with—" I hand her the chart just as she interrupts me.
"It's fine." She snatches the chart from me and goes back to checking the patient's vitals. "I need you to do me a favor. I need you to run down to the daycare and see what they're paging me for. If it's not important, let them know that I don't have time. Tell them I'm in surgery. And when you come back, I'll be in OR 7. I might need you to scrub in."
"Okay." Again, don't ask me when I became someone's personal assistant, because I SWEAR when I woke up this morning I was a surgical intern. "…And what if whatever the daycare wants is important…then what?"
"Then you call me in OR 7 and I'll let you know how to handle it. Wilson, go."
"Alright then."
Alex's Point of View.
"Mmm… babe, you haven't kissed me like that in a while." When we pull out of the kiss we were sharing, she looks at me like she might've been dying for me to kiss her like that for a while. Funny how I haven't kissed my own fiancée like that in a long time but I was just kissing Jo like that two nights ago. And you what just scared the shit out of me? The fact that I did just kiss Izzie like that and… I didn't feel anything. Nothing at all. I didn't feel that little spark I usually feel when I kiss Iz, I didn't feel like I needed to kiss her more after we pulled away… I didn't feel anything. And that scares me. But when I kissed Jo…. I did.
"Well… I missed kissing you like that." I wink at her and keep my arms around her. I do still love her though. At least that hasn't changed. I can still tell that I love her and I can tell that I want to marry her. Maybe I'm just having an off day with the whole not-feeling-anything while I kiss her. "What were you and Jo talking about?" When I first approached the two of them, I was a little skeptical that maybe Jo told her that we kissed. But when I got closer and closer I realized that A, Jo wouldn't do that. She was heartbroken that I told her we couldn't be friends anymore and I don't think she'd want to relive that kiss through telling my fiancée about it. And B, if she had told Izzie, Izzie wouldn't have kissed me like she just did. She would've been too pissed to even look at me.
"Oh, we ran into each other and I helped her pick up her things. We were talking about the song and stuff." She reaches up and pulls something out of my hair. "She's a sweet girl, Alex… Why don't you invite her over more? She seems like a nice kid."
"She is." I scratch the back of my head and look around. "Jo's nice and stuff and she's funny but…" I shove my hands into the pockets of my white coat. "I didn't get the chance to tell you that we had a fall out. We're really not on speaking terms anymore."
"What happened?"
"We just had a disagreement about something."
"Like…"
"It was just a silly little argument, Iz. You don't need to worry about it." But I know Izzie and I know that worrying about it is ALL she's going to do today. I should probably just tell her but I don't want to tell her in a way that's gonna make her completely hate Jo because even though we're not on talking terms right now, it's possible that we could become friends again sometime and on the off chance that we do become friends again, I don't really need my future wife to hate my friend. I'll just lie a little bit…but I'm lying for a good reason. I'm trying to protect Jo…that's a good reason, isn't it? "When me and Jo first became friends, I didn't tell her that I was engaged so she had a little crush on me at first… and she was a little bit sad when I finally told her about you. And we had a little argument about that last night because… she was…. She was denying that she had feelings for me. We just had a disagreement."
"Well do you have feelings for her too?" She crosses her arms and taps her foot like she's just waiting for me to drop the bomb on her. First of all, NO I don't have feelings for Jo. And second of all, even if I DID have feelings for her, why the hell would I just come out and tell Izzie about them? "Seriously Alex." She looks pissed.
"No." I don't know how much longer I can say that with a straight face. "Jo's just a friend, Iz. I swear." I'm not into lying to Iz… and I think that's what I'm doing. I don't really know if what me and Jo did is considered cheating. I always used to think that cheating wasn't cheating unless you actually had sex with another person, but if I feel this horrible about making it seem like I didn't kiss Jo…is it cheating? I'm lying to Iz, I'm feeling bad about lying to Iz and I'm feeling even worse about the fact that I'm pinning it all on Jo just to save my ass. I think I'm already at the point of cheating. "I have a case up in the NICU that I need to get on. I'll see you later." I lean down and kiss her on her forehead. "Love you."
"Love you too, babe." She doesn't sound like she meant that like she usually means it, but she said it and I guess that counts.
X X X
I wish I had somebody other than Mere to talk to. It's not that Mere doesn't give me good advice because she does; it's just that I need somebody that'll tell me exactly what to do in this situation. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place with this. Okay, I'm done lying to myself like Mere said I was. I'm done with that. The truth of the matter is this: I love Izzie but I also kind of like Jo. I don't love Jo, I just LIKE her. I like her in the sense that she makes me laugh, she always knows the right thing to say to me and I don't feel like I have to act like I'm somebody different around her. With Jo… I can be me and she just understands. I don't have to act like I want a big church wedding with Jo. I don't have to act like I'm into being all domestic with Jo. With Jo, I'm a shitty person that came from nothing to make myself something and she gets it because she came from nothing and she knows what that's like. I used to spend time thinking that the fact that she and I are so much alike is the reason that we clash, but what if she and I being alike is actually the reason that we're perfect for each other?
Izzie on the other hand… Iz is who I'm meant to be with, I think. It took a while for me and Iz to get it right and now that we've finally got it… I don't know if I should just throw it all away. It's been a long, uphill battle for Iz and I to get to where we're at right now. I cheated on her a bunch of times when we were younger, she cheated on me and dumped me twice. We were broken up for a while until we just figured out that I didn't want to be with anybody else that wasn't her and she didn't want to be with anyone that wasn't me. And after we both realized that we wanted each other, she got sick. Her cancer took a lot out of me and it was so emotionally draining to deal with the fact that I could've lost her on more than one occasion. The cancer's gone now and we've figured out how to make the pieces fit. Everything's falling into place and now Jo came along.
I don't know what to do about any of this. I'm staying with Izzie but staying with Izzie means that I have to completely cut Jo out…and it DOES mean that, because if I just stay Jo's friend while I'm with Izzie, I can't promise that won't cheat on her with Jo. And that's not the kind of husband I want to be. I want to be in the kind of relationship where we're totally committed to one another. And let's just say for argument's sake that I left Izzie for Jo… I would feel like the biggest piece of shit on this earth. Imagine that. I stick with my fiancée through cancer and cheating and lying and cancer, but I leave her because some little intern is making me question whether or not my love for Izzie is built on something pure. Just imagine that.
I feel like I'm caught between choosing what the RIGHT thing to do is and what I want to do. What I WANT to do is the wrong thing to do but the right thing to do isn't necessarily what I want. I think… I mean, I THINK that I want to be with Jo. I think that I want to be able to hang out with her and kiss her and hug her and just be with her without feeling like I'm betraying Iz. That's what I THINK I want. But I know the right thing would be for me to stick with fiancée because even though we're not married yet, I DID make a commitment to her when I put that ring on her finger.
This is just so hard. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and that's saying a lot. I watch little kids and babies die on a daily basis for a living…I've been through some pretty hard shit. But choosing between what I think I want and what I should do is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever done.
Well, until I figure all this shit out for certain, I'm just gonna keep saying away from Jo.
Jo's Point of View.
Fuck this day. Literally, FUCK this day. First I end up on my least favorite service EVER where I end up being someone's bitch instead of practicing medicine. Then I'm practically forced into watching the man I think I might possibly love make out with his very perfect soon-to-be wife, where I find out that his fiancée is actually the nicest, prettiest person on the freaking planet. And now, I somehow got stuck in daycare. I was supposed to just be down here for a couple minutes to find out why the hell they were paging Dr. Grey but NOPE. Turns out Dr. Grey's kid had some sort of outburst where she wanted her mother so when I called Dr. Grey in OR 7 to see if this could be considered an emergency or not, she declared that Zola wanting attention was considered an emergency and guess who got volunteered to spend time with the kid? I'll give you a hint, her name is two letters and it rhymes with "So."
I don't know how many times I have to tell people that I AM NOT CUT OUT TO DEAL WITH SMALL CHILDREN ON A PERSONAL LEVEL before they take me seriously and stop giving me the daunting task of dealing with small children on a personal level. So far, I've been forced into coloring pictures, I've had my hair pulled and I've been serenaded by one of the cardiac care nurse's son. One good thing came out of me being down here though; I guess Dr. Robbins ordered that my kid should be around other children because she doesn't know how to socialize, so I got to see Brynn for half an hour. She wasn't allowed to be down here for too long, just until more kids were rounded on so they could spend time in the playroom. More kids are in the playroom in a sterile environment so that's where Brynn currently is.
She recognized me, by the way. I don't know why the fact that when she saw me she called me "Doh Doh!" made me cry. I still haven't quite figured that out. I didn't know I was that emotional to cry when a child recognizes me, but it did. And she sat on my lap the entire half hour she was in the daycare with me and I didn't mind. She actually fell asleep which kind of defeated the whole purpose of her being there in the first place, but oh well. Literally, she limped over to me (she's still in a cast and she refuses to be carried by any of the nurses), she sat in my lap, sucked on her thumb and fell right asleep. The nurse that brought her down said that that's the first time since she's been in the hospital that she fell asleep on her own without sedation. Dr. Robbins came back down to take her up to the playroom when her time in the daycare was up and she said that it would be okay if I went up to her room later on after my shift is over to put her to sleep for the night so I think I'll do that.
"That's a pretty picture, Zola." With my chin in my hand, I just watch her while she scribbles with a pink crayon all over a sheet of construction paper. She doesn't talk much, but I'd be lying if I said that she hasn't kept me good company. Up until a while ago, Stephanie was the only person I could stand being around today. Make that Stephanie and Zola now. She picks up a cluster of a red crayon, a yellow crayon and a blue crayon and hands them to me. "Thank you. Do you want me to color a picture now too?" She doesn't say anything to me, she just keeps piling crayons on me. "Do you want Jo Jo to color a picture too?" She nods her head at me.
I grab a piece of construction paper and draw a line that'll be the stem of a flower that I attempt to draw. I can't draw for shit, by the way. I'm a lot of things but artistic is not one of those things. While I start drawing the center of my flower, I feel someone tugging on my ponytail. It's not a hard tug, it's more like a very rough pet. I put my crayon down and turn my head. Another little girl with chubby cheeks, tanned skin and straight silky black hair is standing behind me. "Oh…hello." Being in this daycare all day really made me realize that I have more patience than I ever knew. I normally HATE to have my hair pulled and messed with, but when the little kids do it, I don't care. "What's your name?" I ask the hair-pulling bandit. She's cute but like Zola, she doesn't talk to me. She just keeps playing with my hair. I guess I don't really care. So the little girl has more leeway with my hair, I reach back and pull it out of my ponytail.
When she sees the other little girl with her hands in my hair, Zola puts her crayons down and stands behind me as well. The tanned skin girl picks up a crayon and starts coloring my hair. I don't even bother to stop her because crayon won't show up on my hair because A, it's crayon and B, my hair is too dark anyway. "Are you guys giving Jo Jo a makeover?" Neither one of them answer me. Instead, I get a little giggle from Zola and nothing out of the tan one. This is the second time I've been given a makeover today, but this is the first time they actually played with my hair. "Okay… make sure you guys make me pretty." I pick up a purple crayon and start drawing flower petals.
From the corner of my eye, I see the door to the daycare open and through it walks both Dr. Torres and Dr. Grey. FINALLY! SOMEONE TO SAVE ME! I put the purple crayon down and look up at the two of them with desperation in my eyes. Okay so, I'm hungry and I really need to pee. I haven't been able to move out of this daycare for the last couple hours. I need to piss, I need to eat and I really just need to see a patient. I don't even feel like an intern anymore as much as I feel like a babysitter. But I must admit that spending time with kids all day really took my mind off Alex. "Wilson…what have they done to you?" Dr. Torres shakes her head like I'm the most pitiful thing she's ever seen.
"They're…giving me a makeover." I poke my lip out and mouth "help me" to the both of them.
"Alright…come on, Zo Zo. No more torturing poor Jo here." Dr. Grey picks Zola up and hoists her on her hip. Dr. Torres picks up the other little girl… she must be her daughter. I guess yeah that makes sense now. They look alike. "Are you hungry Wilson?" I nod my head and pick myself up off the floor. When I stand up, a yellow crayon falls out of my hair. "Alright, it's lunch time… you can go ahead and eat. Thanks, by the way. You really came through for me today."
"No problem." It totally IS a problem though. I've been a professional babysitter all freaking day. Can I at least go spend time in the pit? I'll do whatever scut anybody has…please just let me feel like a friggin' surgeon. I can't tell Dr. Grey that I had a problem babysitting her child though. She's my superior…if she tells me she wants me to mop the floor with my tongue, I would. I'd cry about it, but I would do it. "Um… we colored pictures, I got a makeover, she sang the Frozen song to me, we took a potty break and I got another makeover by both of them…and that's pretty much it."
"So she was good?" I follow the both of them out of the door.
"Yeah…they both were." I grab my hair while I'm walking and tie it back up. "Your little girl sang to me earlier as well." I tell Dr. Torres. "She sang Taylor Swift to me… it was cute."
"If you'd let her, she'd talk your ear off. Sofia talks a whole lot once she's comfortable with her." She's holding the little girl's hand while she walks. Yeah I definitely should've been able to see that sooner. She looks JUST like Dr. Torres. "You got kids, Wilson? You're great with them…"
I shake my head. "No… I don't have kids." And even though I still don't have the desire to have kids someday, I decide to leave that part out.
X X X
I have about two hours until my shift is over and I'm still running around like a chicken with my head cut off for Dr. Grey. She has a hernia repair that she's letting me scrub in on in an hour for watching her kid today. Maybe she's not such a Medusa after all, but she could at least give me a break. The only break I've had today was during lunch. After lunch, I had to do all her afternoon rounds and schedule a few more surgeries for her. Now she's got me running down to OB to check on one of her pregnant patients with gall stones. I think I'm gonna pass out when I get home and go to bed.
On the up side, I don't have to worry about paper charts anymore because Dr. Grey trusts me enough with her code now to log into the electronic system. I grab the electronic chart of the charging dock and start walking up the flight of steps that'll lead me to OB. I punch her code into the chart system and bring up the patient I'm supposed to go check on. Her name is Bridget McKellar…. And she's in room 201. Sounds easy enough. I flash my name badge to the nurses at the OB nurses' station and keep walking. The OB nurses are like WAY strict when it comes to people that aren't authorized to be there being on this floor. I guess they're so freakish about it because people steal babies and shit like that all the time and they want to make sure people aren't coming in to do that.
I knock twice and open up the door to Mrs. McKellar's room. The lady is laying in her bed, clearly heavily pregnant, reading a book with a pink cover. "I'm Dr. Wilson, Dr. Grey's intern… I'm just here to check and see how you're doing." I squirt some hand sanitizer on my hand and rub it in. "It says here on your chart that you were experiencing Braxton Hicks… have those gone away or are you still in discomfort?"
"They've gone away, hon. I was wondering if I could get something for the pain in my back if that's possible…" She's clearly older than I am which is why I assume she felt the need to call me "hon."
"Let me just have a look here…" I take a look at her vitals and I check the last time she's been given some fluids for pain management. It's been about eight hours since her last dose so she can have some more. But I don't know if her baby can withstand this much medicine in this amount of time and I'm really not trying to be held accountable for killing this woman's kid so I'll just ask one of the nurses out there about it. "It's been about eight hours since the last time you've gotten pain medicine, so generally that's beyond the time frame and you should be alright to have more pain medicine however I'm not too sure about your baby… I'm just gonna go ask a nurse to be sure."
"Thank you honey."
"You're welcome." I grab the chart and leave the room. I look down the hall to see if there's a nurse that's already on the floor and not at the nurses' station when I see him for the first time in a while. "Fuck." I mumble to myself as soon as I see him. I should've known better. I should've KNOWN that being up here would probably mean that I'd see him. I'd rather come face to face with Alex and I mean that. I lean against the nurses' station and ignore him like I've been doing for the past two weeks. "The patient in room…" I can't even concentrate long enough to remember what I wanted to ask the nurses, because the look he's giving me is something DEADLY.
"Well would you look and see who's still alive…" His voice is all friendly and playful which makes my stomach drop because even though I didn't know him for that long, I knew him long enough to realize what he means when he acts all happy and shit. He's psychotic. "Long time no see, right?"
"…Hi Jason." I focus all my attention on the nurses. "So I have a patient in room 201… she wants pain medicine but I'm not—" He grabs my arm and my entire body just…tenses up.
"Come on… I want to talk to you about something." He mutters and literally DRAGS me away from the nurses' station…and the nurses don't even do anything about it. Granted there's only two nurses there but still… they have to know how psychotic he is by now, don't they? He pulls me over to an empty, barren hallway and stands in front of me so I can't leave without passing him. "Why haven't you been returning my calls? Or my texts? It's been two weeks!"
"…I thought you'd get the picture." I look behind him to see if there's an alternative route I could go if I have to run from him. Down the long hallway is some other guy wearing blue scrubs and that's it. No alternative to being here with him. "Look…we can talk about this some other time. I have a patient that I have to take care of. I'll talk to you later."
"Just tell me why you didn't have the balls to break up with me for real?"
"…I don't have to explain." I sidestep him. "Excuse me." He pushes me back by my shoulders. "Stop… I'm not even fucking kidding."
"I thought we were good…and you just leave me hanging like that?" I'm not even looking him in his face. I'm focusing on the dude at the end of the hallway wearing the blue scrubs who seems to be watching us. "You can't just leave me on a limb like that. I started to come over to your house…"
"What do you mean you thought we were good? You hit me…" I squint my eyes. "We're over. Since you need me to spell it out for you… we're over. And we've BEEN over. Leave me alone now." I sidestep him again but he grabs my arm. "Jason, I'm so serious… I'm not even joking. Lemme go." He squeezes my arm and slams me so hard against the wall that the electronic chart in my hand drops down to the ground and slides across the floor. My shoulder… oh my god, I think he just dislocated my shoulder… "STOP!" I really want to hit him back but the last time I hit a man back hard enough to let him know I meant business, I got arrested… He pins me against the wall and hovers over me. Through my peripheral vision, the dude in the blue scrubs that was watching us gets closer and closer. …Of course. Of fucking course. Oh, OF COURSE. This is just my luck, isn't it? Because NOTHING in my life can play out right. Nope. No random stranger could help me…right? It has to be HIM of all people.
"Dude… just leave her alone." Like the nonexistent God in the sky is just trying to taunt me, ALEX of all people wraps his hands around Jason's shoulders. "Leave her alone."
When I think about it, it makes sense that he'd be up on OB's floor as well. He's a Pediatric surgical resident…Peds and OB go hand in hand…it doesn't surprise me that he's on this floor as well. But COME ON. It's like a double freaking whammy for me here. Psycho ex is trying to kill me but oh look! Captain Save-A-Hoe to the rescue! "Alex, just don't… don't, okay?" I'm holding my shoulder in pain, but I really need him to just go… I can handle this.
Jason pushes Alex's hands off his body. "You've had a problem with her and me from day one. You LEAVE. I'm having a conversation with my girlfriend…"
"Alex… GO." I use my good arm to push him away.
With his hands TIGHT around Jason's shoulders, Alex just gives me a glance that lets me know that I need to shut up. "You don't put your hands on her."
"Oh it's not me you have the problem with… you have a problem with the fact that I fucked her." Jason pushes him away again but Alex draws his fist back.
"ALEX, STOP!" I grab his fist before he can even connect it with any part of Jason. "Just walk away! Walk away… Okay? Walk away…"
"Get off me, Jo." He talks to me through clenched teeth.
"No… just walk away. Don't… don't go to his level. Please… walk away." I keep my hand on his fist. "Walk away…."
He takes a hard, sharp breath and does what I say. He kicks a garbage can over in his haste and walks back down the hallway the way he came. I'm so grateful that he helped me out. I mean, there's no telling what Jason could've done to me. But HIM of all people…HIM. HE had to be the one to step in though? I look at Jason, shake my head and walk after Alex.
He needs to be calmed down.