CHAPTER SIXTEEN
(BPOV)
Sam and the others waited close by as I gathered Jacobs discharge papers, along with his thorough at home instructions he would need for Clarissa and a recommended follow up with his primary care physician back in Washington. Natalie and Tina observed some of the packs interactions with each other while I took care of this, and it made me chuckle when I noticed Tina's alarmed expression as Quil and Embry playfully shoved each other around in the waiting room, the two of them arguing over who would get to hold Clarissa first when Jacob rounded the corner with her.
"Hey, it's my turn! You always get her first!" Embry complained, pushing Quil aside and earning himself an annoyed glance from Jacob in response.
"Oh, shut up. You know she loves her uncle Quil more. Time to face the facts." Quil teased, before catching the annoyance on Jacobs face from their unruly behavior in the ER.
"Guys, chill out. Don't cause trouble. Trust me, the security guards on this floor won't hesitate to boot you out and that would make Bella look bad. So behave." He scolded, as he took the papers from my hand and looked to Natalie for a pen to sign them with.
"It was nice to meet you, Jacob." Natalie kindly told him. "I hope you and your baby girl have a wonderful holiday season back home."
"Thank you. It was nice to meet you, too. You've all been great to us in here and I really appreciate it." Jacob sincerely replied.
"Of course, it was no trouble."
"We ready to get going?" Charlie hedged, as he began to wheel Billy toward the exit.
"Yeah, I think so. I'll have to make a detour to my place and pack a bag before we go to the airport. I'll take my car and meet you there?"
"Sounds good, kiddo." Charlie replied.
"How far out are you?" Jacob soon inquired, his look growing troubled when he glanced my way.
"Only about forty minutes. Not too far."
"You'll be needing this." Tina suddenly offered from beside us with a faint smile, as she placed a new car seat on the floor next to Jacob. "I picked it up at the local Walmart we have in town first thing this morning."
"That was really nice of you, Tina. Thank you so much." I replied, seeing Jacobs humbled expression, as he placed a hand on her arm and gave it a gentle squeeze.
"Yes, thank you. I owe you and Callie more than I could ever repay. If the two of you hadn't worked so long to get us out of that wreck...-" Jacob stated, his voice cutting out at the end as Tina smiled warmly up at him in return.
"All part of the job."
"Yeah, and we'd do it again, you know?" Callie added, her sudden appearance in the wheel chair behind us causing Jacob to turn toward her. "I'm the one who should be thanking you, Jacob. You saved my life when you took Garrison down. I may not be here if it wasn't for you. So, before you go, please know just how damn grateful I am to you."
"You're welcome. I hope your recovery is quick and that you're back doing the job you love before you know it."
Callie smiled at him and looked to me, her eyes meeting mine when she wheeled herself closer to us.
"So, the rumor is really true? You're heading back to Washington today? Don't be gone too long. We're sure going to miss you a lot around here. You're one of the best trauma nurses we have in this place."
I leaned down and wrapped my arms around her with a heavy sigh.
"I'll hurry back, I promise. Until then, you take the time you need to get better."
"I will, Bella. I'll lay low for as long as I can stand it, which as you know, won't be long. I'm already going crazy." She admitted, releasing me and looking to Jacob. "We love her, so please, watch out for her when she's out there in Washington."
"I will." Jacob replied, as he signed the last paper and took his copy of the discharge forms. Sam, Seth and Paul stood waiting by the exit, all of them appearing to be a little anxious and more than ready to escape the tight confines of the ER so they could get back home. Sam informed me that he would be running in wolf form with the others, not wanting to be stuck on two legs any longer than he had to. He was already on edge from being gone from La'Push for longer than a day, leaving only Leah and Jared back on the Reservation to hold things down until the rest of them returned. It hadn't settled well with him and I understood his worry, and assured him that I would stay close to Jacob and Clarissa on the long journey back to Washington.
"Jacob, you and Clarissa can ride with your father and I to the airport?" Charlie asked, zipping up his coat as he braced for the brisk cold of the Maine Winter that awaited us just outside the double doors.
"Actually, I was thinking they could ride with me while I grab some of my things from home? Only if you want to, of course?" I stated, glancing up to catch Jacobs nod as he held Clarissa tightly to him.
"That works, too. We'll let you know when we get there." Charlie replied, before turning his attention to Sam and the others. "Are you coming with us-?"
"No, we're gonna hang back for a bit and catch a later flight." Sam clarified, meeting my gaze when he reached out for Jacob. "We won't be too far behind you, brother."
Jacob slowly nodded and stilled when he saw Mr. and Mrs. Dawson heading toward us with their coats in hand. They had come back to see them off, to have the chance to hug them both goodbye before they left. What they still didn't know was that I was going with them.
Martha reached out for little Clarissa with a teary smile then as she held tightly to Jacobs hand.
"We didn't want you to leave without us saying goodbye. We're so glad you get to go back home and I know the funeral is in a few short days, but we'll miss you both so much. Please, don't be strangers."
"We won't. I want you both in Clarissa's life. That won't ever change." Jacob assured them, his gaze becoming misty when he looked to Shawn with a heavy sigh. "I've tried to reach Peter and Judy, but they won't return my calls or texts. I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Jacob. We've been trying ourselves all night and again several times this morning, still nothing. I left Peter a few voicemails. He knows it's urgent that he call me back. If I know him, he's probably on another business trip somewhere. He may even be out of the country. We'll keep trying and I'll let you know if we reach them. That's all we can do, my boy. All we can do."
Mr. Dawson wrapped his weary arms around Jacob then and placed a kiss to Clarissa's cheek, as Martha noticed Sam and the rest of the pack who were standing just off to the side.
"Jacob, are these friends of yours?" She timidly asked, her tired gaze going wide when Sam stepped forward and reached out his hand to her.
"Yeah, well, they're more than that." Jacob replied, gesturing to Paul, Seth, Embry and Quil as they nervously approached. "These guys are my family. Martha, Shawn, this is Sam Uley, Seth Clearwater, Paul Lahote, Embry Call and Quil Ateara. They all live back on the Reservation in La'Push. The pictures Lilly sent you a few years ago, that's where they all reside with their families."
"Oh, it's so nice to meet you." Martha gasped, reaching for Sams outstretched hand. I felt my throat tighten when he gingerly took hold of it and looked to her and Shawn, his words soft and sincere with them.
"I'm sorry we didn't get the chance to meet you before now. Your Lillian was part of our family, too. We loved her very much and we're all so sorry for your loss. She was truly wonderful and she made Jacob the happiest we've ever seen him."
"That means so much to hear. Thank you." Shawn replied, as Martha pressed herself into his side and dabbed away at the tears now on her cheeks from Sams heartfelt words to them.
"Yes, that's very nice of you to say. It's good to know that our Lillian made that kind of impression on you all, too. She shared her bright light with everyone." Martha softly stated.
"Yes, she did. She sure did." Sam agreed, stepping back and shaking Shawns hand, the two of them sharing a look that made it difficult for me to swallow. Sam had a big heart and it was nice to see him offer up so much care for the Dawsons in their time of immense grief.
"I hope you'll be there for Jacob. He was the love of our Lillians short life and it would do our weary hearts some good to know he's in such caring hands right now. Hard being so far away." Shawn expressed in a low tone, peering toward me with an expectancy in his blue eyes that made it impossible for me to look away from him. "He needs all the love and support he can get. He and Clarissa both do. Losing our Lillian has been a real tragedy and we would never want him to feel alone right now."
"I promise you, sir. We will all be there for the both of them. You have my word. We take care of our own back home." Sam replied, as he offered them a final parting wave and joined the rest of the pack by the exit.
Jacobs gaze soon filled with tears when he wrapped his free arm around Martha, his words to her so tender that it made my own tears return.
"Lillian loved you both so much, Martha. She talked about you all the time and she told me just how special you two were to her. There wasn't a single childhood memory she shared with me that didn't have you in it. You were invaluable to her. The both of you were and I want you to know that our Clarissa will always know you, too. No matter the miles between us. I'll always make the trip back to Maine so she can have time with her great grandparents."
Martha let out a soft cry and clung to Jacob then as Shawn took a few steps my way and silently motioned for me to follow him further down the hall. I went willingly and paused beside him when he timidly reached out his hand and touched my cheek, his knowing gaze piercing through me with his sincere words.
"I knew you were special from the moment you came in to that exam room and stitched me up. I just didn't know how truly special you'd come to be to us in only a matter of days, but now, I think it was more than fate that had our paths cross the way they did that night, nurse Swan. I've never been one to believe in mere coincidences, instead I put my faith in the big man upstairs and leave it all in His hands. Better to be there than ever in my own, I say, and while I can't understand why He needed our Lillian with him up in heaven so soon, I can rest easy at night knowing that she's watching over us, over Jacob and over her baby girl. It gives me some comfort, albeit not much, but some nonetheless."
"I'm so sorry Mr. Dawson." I breathed, wiping at the tears that threatened to spill once more and seeing his endearing gaze soften at the sight of my emotion.
"Do you remember what I told you about the unexpected in this life?" He asked, dropping his hand from my face, as he glanced back to Jacob behind us.
"Yes, I remember."
"This is your unexpected, dear. Only you can decide what to do with it. Whether to run like hell in the other direction or to face it with all the courage and grace you can muster."
"...b-but Mr. Dawson, I..."
"Please don't run, Bella. Don't let the uncertainty scare you so much that you stay hidden away from the life you once wanted. My Lillian always believed in never looking back once she'd found what she truly wanted and even though it terrified her sometimes, she never regretted her choice. Not once. So, my hope for you is that you embrace the unexpected and that you live this fleeting life to the fullest while you still have it. Losing Lillian has taught me a harsh lesson of my own much in the same way. We can't ever take things for granted, because time is not promised to us."
I silently stared back at him, feeling my hands tremble when I saw Jacob glance down the hall in our direction, his pained gaze settling over me while I took in what Shawn was saying.
"You're right. It's not."
"Did I ever tell you that Martha and Lilly used to write to each other? I know, with all the advancements we have in technology, not very many people do it anymore, but for them there was always something so special about putting pen to paper with their communications. They've done it from the time Lilly was just a small girl, maybe eight or so, and they treasured all of them. We still have her letters and we'll never part with them, especially now, cause they are a piece of her that we'll never have again."
"That's so special." I tearfully agreed as he continued.
"Yes, it is. In the letters, she told us all about where Jacob was from and how she found it to be beautiful. She loved his family like her own and she talked about how Billy had shown her a photo album one day, filled with pictures of Jacobs mother and his sisters, and a little girl who was seen in almost all of them."
I swallowed hard and saw his knowing gaze sweep over my face as recognition crossed his features.
"Mr. Dawson-..."
"Lillian described her almost perfectly in her letters to Martha back then. She said her hair was the most beautiful shade of brown that she'd ever seen, almost mahogany is what she wrote, and that her eyes were the richest brown and so full of a light that was almost contagious whenever she smiled in the photos. She told Martha that the photos only went to a certain age of her, like she suddenly stopped coming around or moved maybe. She described the last picture of her to be the best one. Said it was of Jacob sitting on a dirt bike with this same girl, all grown as a teenager and on the back with him, the two of them smiling brightly when it was taken. Lillian was always so good at writing. She painted us a picture of her life with every letter she sent to Martha, and the picture in my mind of this girl was what made me look twice at you that night in the exam room. You see, even though we never saw these pictures ourselves, her descriptions gave us a pretty good idea."
"That was a long time ago-..."
"It was you, nurse swan. You were the girl from the pictures, only now the light in your eyes that our Lillian described is missing. I hope you get it back when you return to Washington."
"Me too." I countered, as he drew me into a hug then.
"Don't let the light in Jacobs eyes go out from this. Find a way to keep it there for him. Lillian wouldn't want it to be taken away from her death. She would hate that. I'll see you back in La'Push the day after tomorrow when we lay her to rest. Be safe in your travels, dear."
He released me then and walked away, his words leaving me there to peer down the hall after him in a stunned silence.
I watched him take hold of Martha while the two of them made their way to the exit and out into the cold while my head spun from all he had said to me.
Jacob stood by the nurses station, his own gaze lingering on them as they went. I drew in a steadying breath and refocused my attention as Natalie gave me a hug, her whispered words at my ear as she held onto me.
"Please, take care of yourself while you're gone and we'll all be right here waiting for you when you get back."
"Thank you, Natalie. I really appreciate all you did. You're meddling wasn't a bad thing this time around and I'm grateful for it."
"You're welcome and I'll take that as a compliment."
"I'll let you know when we land in Washington." I assured her then, placing a hand on Jacobs forearm and gesturing ahead. "We should get going. Are you ready?"
"As ready as I'm gonna be." He nervously countered when we stepped out into the wintery day, the air cutting through me, as I reached over for Clarissa's jacket and tucked it further in around her.
When we reached the parking garage and I spotted my car, I hit the unlock button and placed the few bags Jacob had into the trunk. He put the car seat in the back and I helped him to secure it, checking to be sure that it was in correctly and facing the way it should be. When Jacob checked it over a third time, I placed the key in the ignition and turned up the heat, as he carefully laid Clarissa in the car seat and secured her in there.
His strong hands shook when he stepped back from the car and let out a breath, his eyes searching mine while he tried to stem the anxiety that was trying to overwhelm him. He was struggling to get in the passenger side as I held the door open for him, his face now awash with fear that made me reach out for him.
"You can sit in the back with her so you can see her better, Jake. It's alright." I assured him, but he didn't budge, and soon he struggled to even focus on what I was saying, his jaw tensing and his eyes fixed on my car with immense fear etched into his face.
"I can still hear the metal." He suddenly gasped, his dark eyes going wide when I stepped in front of him.
"... of the crash?"
He nodded but kept his gaze on Clarissa as she fell asleep in her new car seat.
"I can't bring myself to get in."
"Jacob, it's okay. We can wait here as long as you need to."
"...but the pack and your father and Billy. They're all expecting us at the airport soon."
"I can call and tell them we're gonna be a bit longer and to go on ahead without us. I'm sure they'll understand."
"I hate this." He ground out. "It shouldn't be this fucking hard."
"It should and it's normal. It's okay not to be okay sometimes, Jake. It really is."
"I'm sorry. I'm wasting your time." He sighed, running a hand through his hair and tugging harshly at the roots, as he looked around the parking garage.
"Don't be. I have loads of time and I'm not going anywhere." I replied, recalling the very same thing he'd said to me right before his world had been turned upside down the first time, back when our lives were much simpler. That memory felt so distant and seemed like a lifetime ago now.
Jacob stilled when I said this and I heard his sharp intake of breath as he looked toward the car again, the torment on his face causing my heart to ache for him when he uttered his nearly inaudible reply.
"Please don't."
"Let's try to take it a step at a time?" I hedged, opening the back door so he could see Clarissa again, and waiting for some of the fear to recede from him as he took a few steps my way, his need to be close to her, moving him forward now.
"One step at a time."
After a few more minutes, he was able to climb in the backseat and close the door without having a panic attack, and when I put the car in drive and started down the road, he kept his focus on Clarissa and the miles steadily began to fade away behind us. It wasn't long before my road came in to view and I turned the corner that led to my colonial home at the end of Town House road. It had taken a year of heavy remodeling and painting nearly every damn weekend before I could truly call it home, but now, I was more proud of that little crooked house than much else in my life. There was still a lot of work that needed to be done to it, but I was looking forward to growing old with it and making it more and more my own. The lot it sat on was rich with beautiful landscape and measured just under fifteen acres of land. There was nothing like the view of the lake from my quant front porch and I had taken time to scour through the local antique shops we had here along the coast to find the perfect décor for the interior. It was homey and warm, something I craved daily from living in a state where the seasons were thankfully ever changing, but with a harsher Winter that was long and lasted well into April at times.
I brought the car to a stop and looked back to see Jacob now taking in the view around him for the first time since we'd left the parking garage at the hospital.
"This is your place, Bells?" He asked, opening the back door and stepping out into the freshly fallen snow that crunched under his boots.
"Yeah, this is home sweet home for me."
"It's beautiful out here." He stated.
"Thank you." I replied, stepping out and seeing him lift Clarissa's seat out of the back and follow me toward the front door. I reached up and retrieved the hidden spare key above me, swiftly placing it in the lock and turning it as we headed inside.
"How long have you been here?"
"A little over a year." I replied, hurriedly getting a bag from my closet and packing only a few necessities for the trip. I was nearly done when Jacob set Clarissa's carrier down on the floor beside him, being sure she was still warm enough, and approached me. I zipped up the duffle and stilled when his strained voice filled the silence around us.
"Bells, I know it was hard for you to do this, but I'm thankful that you did. I don't know what tomorrow will look like, or any of the days after that, but thank you for agreeing to come back."
I set the duffle bag in my hand by the door and held his sorrow filled gaze as I reached out for his hand.
"I wish I could take it from you, Jacob. I would if I could. I know there's nothing I could ever say that could make this better for you, but I'll be there to reach for if you need me. You can count on that. I hope it's enough."
He did his best to keep his composure as he drew me into a hug with his sincere reply.
"It is."
I wrapped my arms tighter around him as he trembled with the grief he was fighting against, the constant hold on it thoroughly exhausting for him, like swimming against a current he couldn't find his way out of. His heart was beating hard and he struggled to drag the air back into his lungs as I offered the only words I could.
"If you fall apart, I promise to be there and I promise not to let go. I'll carry this with you."
A/N: Thanks for reading this late update and please leave a review with your thoughts. New update in the morning. Till then :-)