Chapter 17.
Dean parked at a truck stop. "I need food." he said, "Do you want anything?"
Cas didn't immediately reply.
"Cas?"
"Yes." said Cas.
"Okay, come on." said Dean. They went into a clean and comfortable diner. Dean dealt with the food and drinks, Cas's single contribution being the word, "Coffee."
Their table was in a corner, next to a window. The Impala was in full view. Cas gazed at it as if he wished he were waiting out there. Dean tried to focus on his food, but Cas was too distracted, too distant.
Dean didn't want to ask anything. He could see something was wrong, but asking for details could just make things worse, or wake the dormant link between them in a public place.
Cas took out his phone and checked for messages that Dean knew were not likely to be there. He pulled his own phone out of his pocket and sent one. "Earth to Castiel."
Cas read it and looked up. "Sorry." he said.
"Sam and Jack will fix it." said Dean.
"I know they will." said Cas.
"Tomorrow or Monday, they'll get those talismans. Then we can relax."
"Yes." said Cas.
"Look, you don't have to worry. Until then, I'm not gonna hold anything against you. You can speak, you can even send thoughts and read mine. You didn't choose this, so I can't blame you."
In his head, he heard clearly, "When did that ever stop you?"
"Okay, fair point. I'm a sucky friend." he said aloud.
Cas had closed his eyes. He sipped his coffee. Dean could see how hard he was trying not to think any other responses.
"It's fine." he said, "It's not your fault."
The rush of guilt was almost physically painful. Dean gripped the table with both hands to try to regain some control of his mind. He glanced around, glad that nobody had been looking in their direction. He tried to focus his thoughts, afraid that some unintended answer from his subconscious might make things worse.
He thought in words, as clearly as he could, "You did not do this. I don't blame you for any of it."
"If the talismans don't work ... " said Cas, almost inaudibly, opening his eyes.
"They'll work." said Dean, glad to be communicating outside his head.
"If they don't, I'll diminish my grace."
"And weaken yourself when we could face Michael at any time?"
"What other choice do we have?"
"Sam and Jack will find something else." said Dean, "Stop blaming yourself. Your guilt is more painful than mine. I can't think."
"Sorry." said Cas again.
"Sorry doesn't help. Think of stuff that doesn't hurt. Think of Sarah and her bees. Think of Jules. Think of ... " He realised he had come to the end of the list of things that didn't hurt. "Our lives are crap."
Cas forced a smile.
"Think of something good." said Dean.
"The past is not entirely full of good thoughts." said Cas.
"Then think about the future." said Dean, "Think about our road trip, or a beach."
Cas said nothing. Dean felt his sadness.
"Why?" he said, "Why don't you believe?"
"The war never ends." said Cas.
"You always talk as if we can win and we'll have all that stuff. How long ago did you lose faith in that?"
The sadness deepened. Dean felt his friend's despair.
"You never believed?" he said.
"I want to believe." said Cas.
"Why didn't you tell me before?"
"You needed me to believe." said Cas.
Dean thought about his options. Cas had every reason to doubt. Dean often assumed the only possible end to the fight was his own death. There was no easy way to convince Cas of something he did not believe himself.
"What do you believe in?" he said.
In his head and from Cas's lips, the answer was the same. "You."
"Then believe this. I give you my word, we will have that road trip. We will win this fight. We will be on a beach, you, me, Sam and Jack."
"You don't believe that." said Cas. Dean wondered whether he knew that or guessed it.
"Doesn't matter if I believe it." said Dean, "I've promised it. I'll make it true. You said you believe in me. Was that a lie?"
"You know it wasn't." said Cas.
"Yeah, but you still don't believe my word."
"Neither do you."
"So neither of us can think of anything good? That's pathetic." said Dean.
"There's always the party." said Cas.
Dean smiled. "The party will be great. Everyone is excited about it."
"Jules will be there." said Cas.
"We'll all be there. We'll all show you how much we love you. There will be presents and cards and Sam's gonna dance."
"You know I don't expect you to give me a present?" said Cas.
"You don't expect much of anything." said Dean, "Not from me, anyway."
"It's not like that." said Cas.
Dean knew he had to avoid that conversation. "Forget it. None of that matters today."
"I just don't want to ask too much of you. You've given so much to so many. I don't need anything."
"Well, I think you do." said Dean, "I think you need to know what you mean to all of us."
"You're the one whose opinion of me I have seen. I know what I mean to you." said Cas.
"You're getting a present." said Dean.
Cas smiled. "Eat your food. You said you were hungry."