Hello again! If you're reading this after the last update, thank you for your patience. If you've just found this story, thanks for giving it a shot and getting this far. I hope you're all doing well, and if not, I hope things turn around soon.
A very huge thanks to everyone who review last chapter! You're the MVPs! Sorry if I didn't respond, I either forgot to or your PM settings didn't allow me to.
I'd like to think this story has a good balance of hurt and comfort, but as we go forward I feel that its important to remind you that the the darker moments will really start to become the prevailing tone even in spite of the good times. This chapter has a warning for self-harm, nothing bloody or graphic, but it does happen along with some violent thoughts towards the end of this chapter. If you need to know the exact placement, skip to the end notes. Please take care of yourselves!
.
.
Acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL), sometimes called acute lymphocytic leukemia, is the most common form of leukemia found in children[…]. Acute lymphoblastic leukemia affects the immature forms of white blood cells, called lymphocytes. [...]
The job of lymphocytes is to identify and destroy foreign proteins in the body, such as bacteria and viruses. In ALL, the bone marrow makes too many immature lymphocytes (called lymphoblasts) that do not mature correctly. Immature blood cells (blasts) do not have the ability to fight infection. The lymphoblasts overproduce and crowd out normal blood-forming cells in the bone marrow. (chop . edu)
.
.
It feels odd walking home with Shige.
Just a few shades off nostalgic due to all the changes four years naturally brings. A trait of their friendship he used to love was the fact that they never had a shortage of things to talk about, and when they didn't feel like talking the atmosphere was still comfortable. The same sort of peace Kagami brings him.
Now they just have too much to discuss, and what's left unsaid always dangles like a precariously hung chandelier.
"Uh," Shige scratches his nose with an awkward look on his face. "So, how are you really feeling about the kendo thing? I feel like we didn't really have the time to talk about it with all those other people there."
He's...quite disappointed that Shige has decided to stop playing competitively. He can't say that it's a poor decision, or that he resents Shige for making that choice but...he is disappointed that their promise will never be fulfilled. At least, not the way they originally intended it. It would be unfair to hold Shige to an agreement that was made under lighter circumstances, but all he wanted was a friendly match to show off how much they've improved. Just to meet each other on the court. Sure they can still play with and against each other as he just exemplified, but it's not the same.
Tetsuya takes a moment to finish stewing over his thoughts before he settles on saying, "I'm happy you've found something you enjoy just as much as you loved basketball."
Shige arranges his face to express his skepticism. "That's it? You're just happy for me? No other comments?"
Tetsuya raises a brow in response. "Would you like me to be upset?"
Shige sighs, his footsteps slowing to a shuffle before he halts completely. "Y'know what? I kinda do. I know you're a kind, forgiving little angel, but you just saying you're happy for me doesn't feel like we're really having a discussion about this. It feels like you don't want to talk about it, and you're trying not to rock the boat."
A frown starts to tug down on the corners of Tetsuya's mouth, and a cool winter breeze freezes it in place. His tone is clipped and clinical. "I can't change your mind. I can't make you join the basketball team if you don't want to be there. I'm disappointed we'll never get to officially compete. You said you would still play casually anyways, so to demand anything else would just be unreasonable. I want you to play basketball because you enjoy it, not because there's any obligation to. If I insisted otherwise, I would be betraying the very ideals I fought to prove this season. That's why I felt that any further comments would be pointless."
'I don't need pity.'
"Okay. That's all you have to say." Shige begins shuffling forward again, and now they're back to walking towards his house, though at a slower pace than before.
He doesn't feel any better after sharing his feelings. If anything, he feels worse – guilty for being so short with Shige and feeling good about it. What was the point of forcing him to elaborate on his feelings about the matter if they both came out feeling bad about it? Nothing was achieved by it.
Intent on clearing the air, Tetsuya ponders on something to say.
"Why kendo?"
The question slips out of his mouth before he even has time to consider whether or not it's even a good topic. Regardless, Shige latches onto it. "I never loved basketball like you do."
That confessions – uttered so carelessly, like it was a well-known fact – hits him like a sledgehammer.
"Oh."
For some reason that quiet noise makes Shige chuckle. "I don't think anyone can love basketball as much as you do. But that being said, I still really liked it. I only started playing because my parents believe in active lifestyles. It just wasn't important to me until I met you."
"As I said earlier, you had no obligation to entertain me if you had no interest in basketball from the start."
'I don't need your pity'
Shige rolls his eyes and then sticks out his tongue before saying, "Not everything is about you Tsuya."
He could probably fit in some witty retort here, but Tetsuya isn't feeling very playful at the moment.
Ignorant to this, Shige continues. "I really liked basketball. But it was also associated with so much baggage that I just...couldn't do it anymore. After that whole mess, I kinda spent the rest of the school year just vegging out. My parents didn't like that I was lazing around for so long either, so my mom pushed me to pick another sport during the summer to keep busy aside from helping out with the shop and babysitting.
"My mom was on the kendo team during high school so she recommended I try it out. I...really liked it. I loved it. It's a thing just for me. Well, like...a thing I like, purely for itself and...I think I understand how you feel about basketball. It requires a lot of focus and stuff, and it just gave me a good channel. My mom even helped me learn meditation and practice techniques, so we've gotten a lot closer. As it turns out, I'm a natural at kendo. Maybe it's a little hypocritical to jump ship to the sport I have talent in, but it's not even about winning matches. I just genuinely love kendo. It feels good. It feels right, y'know?"
He doesn't know.
He's never reached that alleged state of nirvana, where he's just happy just to be playing the game in itself and he kind of feels like a fraud.
When he shoots hoops, it's to improve his technique. When he develops his special moves, it's to keep up. Playing basketball by himself doesn't quite bring him joy, it feels like work .
It's not the first time he's thought this, but it is the first that it's hit him so viscerally.
Basketball has never been effortless. It's never felt perfect because there's always been something fighting against him. His own lack of skill and poor constitution prevent him from just losing himself to the sport, because his mind is always so busy calculating his next move and worrying about how much he can do before he's subbed out.
The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that his love for basketball is synonymous for his love of connections . He could have picked up a baseball to the same affect if his father had watched a different sport that fateful evening. He had no one before he picked up that stray basketball, and the more he played, the more people he was able to reach.
He loves to play basketball, but it's always been because he loves who he's playing with, or for.
He's not sure if he's ever played just because he loves the game.
Maybe that's part of the reason why he'll never reach The Zone like others can.
...maybe he doesn't love the game as much as he thought.
Tetsuya can't stay mad. Or hurt. Or keep feeling whatever that amalgam of negativity was after hearing that. Now that he thinks about it, it is a lot nicer to think of Shige practicing kendo and forging new bonds rather than soaking in his own misery until around the Winter Cup.
"...I understand. I really do want you to be happy, and if kendo brings you this kind of happiness, I fully support your new endeavors."
Shige smiles at him brightly. "Now that's a congrats I can accept."
He may have lost his resentment, but now he's left feeling empty handed. He's running out of things to hold onto. He doesn't know what emotion to slot into this hole because he still doesn't feel over-joyed about things. So he simply does his best to readjust to this empty feeling that's becoming more and more familiar.
Tetsuya stifles a dry cough into his gloved fist.
He spends the rest of the walk listening to Shige prattle on about the rules of kendo and the many different moves he's been practicing. He's listening attentively, but he doesn't have the energy to retain all the information into memory, and Shige doesn't appear to expect him to. Nigou is waiting for them right by the shoe mat as soon that they get in, and Shige is quick to shower him with affection.
"Hey doggie! Hey Nigou! Hey buddy! How ya doin' huh? You've been taking care of Tsuya for me?" He asks rhetorically as he pets the dog vigorously.
Why does everyone seem to think he needs looking after? He can care for himself just fine. He isn't unhappy that Shige was eager to spend time with him, but why does his mother suddenly believe that he can't be alone? Before Halmeoni's funeral she had been reminding him that he's old enough to take care of himself. Does she suddenly feel bad about the idea of leaving him at home by himself? She isn't one for sentimental emotions so it's unlikely she thinks he needs coddling.
Tetsuya shakes his head to himself. If he had ever able to understand how her mind worked, things would be a lot different. There's no point in trying to figure her out now.
In a pointless act of rebellion, Tetsuya doesn't bother taking his bags back to his room and instead dumps them right next to the couch in the living room. It's something that would annoy his mother if she were here to see it, but for as long as she's out Tetsuya doesn't feel the need to adhere to her rules. Shige follows his lead and carelessly drops his bags to the ground next to his.
"Hey, you still have your PS4?" asks Shige as looks around in the living room, opening and closing the cabinet underneath the television when he only finds a Wii console. "Jeez, you're so lucky you're an only child. We only have an X-Box 360. They don't even make games for that anymore," he grumbles as he begins setting up anyways.
He doesn't feel lucky.
He tries to be grateful for all he has, but all these consoles remind him of are the days on where he'd been trapped in bed sick. The lonely days before he met Shige and had no friends at all. It makes him think of all the things his parents tried to compensate for with shiny new toys.
"The PS4 was put away in the closet a while ago. My mother said it was just cluttering the room if no one was using it. I can go get it if you would prefer that instead," Tetsuya offers.
"Nah, Wii is good. What do you want to play?" Shige asks as he looks through the selection of games.
"I'm fine with just watching."
Shige looks at him with disbelief. "Whaaa? Dude, we have to play something together! It's been years, c'mooon," he whines.
It has been months since he's played a number of these games, and it would definitely be a lot more fun with a second player... "Alright. You can pick the game while I grab some snacks."
"Yes!" Shige hisses with a large grin. As he entertains himself looking through the selection, Tetsuya slips into the kitchen to find something they can eat. He begins with pouring them both a glass of orange juice. Not his first choice of beverage after a cold day, but it's one of Shige's preferred drinks and he doesn't mind it himself. He considers grabbing the large bag of potato chips to go with it, but he has no doubt that the oil will grease the controllers. Instead he opts for the healthier choice of some apple slices. It takes a bit of time for him to carefully wash, peel, and cut them into even slices; when he finally returns to the living room with a tray of food, Shige is busying himself with updating his Mii avatar to closer match his current appearance.
"Thanks dude. You cool with Super Mario Bros?" Shige asks as he helps him set the tray down on the glass table. Tetsuya nods his agreement and accepts the Wii remote, settling onto the couch next to his friend. They decided to create a new file for the sake of a fresh start, at the character selection screen Shige choses to play as Mario while he selects Toad with a blue colouration.
The first few levels are beat with minimal difficulty, the occasional death due to them fooling around. It's when the levels start requiring them to share smaller platforms to proceed that Tetsuya remembers why he's only played this game with his parents once.
"Dude! Stop- You killed me!" Shige motions to throw his controller at the television, but wisely doesn't follow through with the thought. "Stop jumping on my head!"
"You can't hesitate for too long or else the platform falls, you're going too slow." And just to really send the message home, Tetsuya proceeds to flawlessly make the series of jumps required to make it to stable ground.
"Show off," he grumbles as he finally respawns.
"It's just experience, I've beaten this game a few times." Luckily the rest of the level offered obstacles they've already learned to maneuver so they clear the stage with a relatively good score.
Before Tetsuya can select the next level he's interrupted by a phone call. He sets down the Wii remote to pull out his cellphone and he's surprised to see its Aomine calling him this time.
"Hey Tetsu." It's kind of surprising Aomine himself is calling rather than Momoi borrowing his phone.
"Hello Aomine-kun, is there anything I can help you with?" Shige is suddenly quite interested in his phone call, so to give him something else to focus on, Tetsuya changes the game to one-player and slides over his controller. Shige pouts, but does play along to somewhat respect his privacy.
"Do I need a reason to call you?" Aomine challenges, which immediately makes Tetsuya skeptical of his intentions.
"What did you do to Momoi-san this time?"
"I did nothing! Why do you always assume she's in the right!?"
"Because she always is when the two of you disagree." It's been proven time and time again.
" Anyways , no, I didn't call for help with Satsuki. I wanted to know if you're up for a game. I'm meeting up with Midorima and Takao, and I may have thrown your name around when I talked some shit." Dread blooms in his gut. He's already exhausted from practice just a few hours ago and this new revelation about his feelings on the sport really compound his desire to stay home.
"I apologize for putting you in an awkward situation, but I'll have to reject the invitation Aomine-kun." He ignores the curious look Shige shoots him.
"Aw, what? Why?" Aomine whines. "I'll buy you a milkshake afterwards."
"No thank you Aomine-kun. I just...don't feel like it." He guiltily confesses, almost whispering that last part as if he's ashamed. Shige even pauses the game to show him a worried expression, but Tetsuya gestures for him to continue playing. "I'll be right back," he tells him as he stands up and heads to his room for real privacy.
"...don't feel like it huh? I get that." It's surprising that Aomine doesn't make a big deal out of it. He must have been quiet for too long because Aomine then says, "don't give me that look, I'm still going to practice. I just, I get it. Sometimes you just aren't feelin ' it. We can just hang out at my place if you want, my parents love seeing you around. You can even spend the weekend; your folks are out right?" He's not sure how Aomine knows that since he hasn't mentioned it to anyone, but maybe that's been the answer so often that it's become the assumption.
He sits himself down on the edge of his bed. "I'm actually having Shige-kun over for the weekend, we were actually playing Super Mario Brothers on the Wii before you called."
"Oh shit, sorry to bother you then. Tell him I said hey."
"It was no bother, and I apologize if my absence has ruined your game."
"Dude, it's fine. To be honest, even now I still lose interest in basketball every so often," he confides.
The news is jarring, and old fears rise from the depths to make themselves known. "What? But I thought you just wanted a rival."
"That's what I thought it was about but...I don't know man. Sometimes even getting out of bed feels like a chore . Satsuki says it might be 'depression' or something, but I'm not sad about shit. Everything's just annoying."
Oh.
Of course, people aren't so simple.
They're complex beings with intricate thoughts, and of course a few games of basketball won't fix everything.
"I...I'm sorry I never took that seriously." He wants all his friends to be happy, and because basketball has been the root of his own happiness, he failed to account for the fact that it doesn't mean the same thing to everyone.
"Nah, 'snot your fault. Don't tell Satsuki, but I'm actually kinda lazy too." He chuckles.
"You don't have to keep playing if you don't want to. Not if it doesn't make you happy." It's the same thing he just told Shige...and maybe it's what he's starting to need someone else to tell him .
Aomine sounds stunned when he asks, "Tetsu, are you doing okay?"
"I'm fine. I've just been talking to Shige-kun and...I've realized that people change, and so do their needs."
"Well I still love basketball, and I'll always be glad you reminded me of that. I'm not book-smart, like Midorima and Satsuki, or number-smart like Murasakibara . I'm definitely not smart-smart like you and Akashi, and Kise doesn't even need to be smart to do good. Basketball is all I got going for me, and once I started hating even that, it was like...what's even left for me?"
Boiling himself down to nothing. It's a process Tetsuya is incredibly familiar with, but Aomine has so much more going for him.
"Ahomine. You're street-smart. Your earnest, hardworking, and when you care about things you don't do it halfway. I know you'll always have a place somewhere." Tetsuya doesn't know where he'd be if Aomine didn't put his faith in him. It's natural to have twice as much faith in him in return. "...I'm sorry I couldn't help you back then." Perhaps things wouldn't have gone so badly if he had simply tried to talk things through with Aomine beyond dismissing his feelings as pure arrogance.
"You shouldn't have even bothered. That whole time I was just angry. You tried to talk to me, and I didn't want to hear it either. I. ..I tried to hurt you that day. I did hurt you."
Aomine doesn't even have to be more specific to dreg up those memories. Of Aomine leaving him in the rain, his arm still outstretched towards where he had been standing just moments before. Of being left behind.
Discarded.
"I guess I'm just shitty like that."
"Misery does love company."
But why does everybody choose him? Is there a target on his back? Something about him that just feels like it invites others to stab it?
"Yeah..." Aomine trails off.
The conversation has taken a sour turn. As the silence lingers the taste of it becomes overwhelming. It feels like something needs to be said but Tetsuya has nothing more to say on the subject.
(Eventually, it'll hit him. He had been waiting for Aomine to apologize.)
"I'm glad you're doing better now Aomine-kun. I missed you."
"You really know how to make a guy feel special Tetsu. It's kinda weird," Aomine teases.
"You're the one who called me ' smart-smart' , and put me on par with Akashi-kun. What exactly does smart-smart even mean?" Akashi's intelligence is leagues above him. Even if they aren't comparing school grades, Akashi is quick as a whip and clever as a fox.
"You're the guys with the plans. You're both hard to argue against. You might not be all lawyer-speak like Akashi, but you can be a slippery bastard when you wanna be. And you guys always get good grades and you can even make other people smarter. Remember how you got me a B on my chemistry quiz? And you're both unstoppable. Like, even more than Satsuki-level unstoppable. When you guys set your minds to something, it happens. I dunno , just. Smart. Really going places."
Aomine makes it sound like he's able to do all those things so naturally. He's learned to watch his words just living with his parents, and he studies almost every day just to maintain his unimpressive average. He is very stoppable, almost can't do anything by himself. He's nothing like Akashi.
But then he has to stop and remind himself of what exactly Akashi truly is.
Also human.
He had kept it hidden in middle school, but the more he's been opening up, the clearer it becomes that he works very hard to be perceived the way he is. Too hard in fact, and it's what broke him.
Yet Tetsuya still sees it as unrealistic to compare the two of them since he isn't under nearly as much pressure as Akashi is still under, nor does he achieve even half the amount of success. If he were in Akashi's shoes, he would have snapped a long time ago.
"Thank you for such kind words Aomine-kun." The words don't quite roll off his tongue like they should.
"Yeah yeah , just don't tell the others. They'll think I'm getting soft or something," he grumbles, and Tetsuya can imagine the way he turns his head away with embarrassment.
"Of course. I'm sorry to cut things short, but I should really get back to Shige-kun," Tetsuya reminds him. Its been about fifteen minutes since he ducked out, and Shige is definitely getting antsy about his absence by now.
"Oh right, I'll let ya get back to it. Tell him I said hey."
"I will. Goodbye."
"Later Tetsu!" Aomine ends the call seconds after the words leave his mouth leaving Tetsuya to listen to silence.
He sighs, feeling years older in a matter of seconds.
He usually feels refreshed after talking to Aomine, but that call just left something bitter in his mind. He shakes his head and puts away his phone, making sure none of this turmoil shows on his face before he goes back to the living room.
Shige is quick to pause the game the moment he steps back into view. "Everything okay? What was he calling about?"
Tetsuya settles back down into his previous spot before he answers. "Yeah, Aomine-kun just wanted to invite me to a basketball game. I turned him down."
"Don't let me hold you back. If you really want to go, I don't mind watching or something," Shige insists, but the slight grimace on his face says otherwise.
"No, that's alright thank you. I've had my fill for today at practice." And he's not sure if he really wants to deal with these new feeling about basketball or Aomine so soon.
"Alright, you wanna play again? I got past the last level but now I'm stuck on this one. I think it'll be way easier to hit this button with another person to help," Shige theorizes as he reconnects the other controller.
"Sure." His heart is no longer really in it though. He can't bring himself to smile at Shige's antics anymore, even when he gets really frustrated with himself for jumping over the next platform and losing his last life for the round.
"Aarrggh! Stupid game is rigged!" he shouts, even as Tetsuya makes it past his unmarked grave with ease. When Tetsuya fails to give him any sort of visible response, Shige frowns in concern. "Seriously dude. Everything okay? You seem pretty off after that phone call."
His indecision is his downfall. He spends just a bit too long thinking about what to say that it's become obvious that something is bothering him.
Shige turns away from the television to face him, even puts a comforting hand on his arm. "You can talk to me bud. You always listen to me, I'm always ready to return the favour." He says it so casually, but the unspoken tenderness is conveyed through his touch.
"...do I expect too much of others?" Am I selfish?
There's a certain standard he tries to uphold himself to, but rarely is it something that others measure up to. He'd like to think that he has reasonable expectations, but time and time again he's been let down by his friends and family.
"No one said love is pure, or good, or fair."
Maybe he's hurting the ones he loves just as much as they've hurt him.
Shige looks puzzled. "What do you mean?"
Tetsuya studies his own hands. Dry and calloused, slender and pale, held loosely in his lap. "Aomine-kun may have been dealing with depression this whole time, and I had just been focused on basketball. Without seriously considering his feelings or trying to help him."
Shige doesn't roll his eyes, but it's clear he wants to judging by the annoyance on his face. "Aomine's a big boy, he made his own choices. Depression doesn't give someone the right to be a shithead."
Guilt still worms through his abdomen, like termites eating through wood. "I still feel like I should've done better. He stopped acting like himself, so did Akashi-kun. I should've done something more."
"Tetsuya." Shige's firm tone grabs his attention more securely than the grounding hold on his arm. "It's not your job to cater to their every need and make everything better. I think you're not acting like yourself. I feel like you're not here, even when you're here . You're dealing with a lot of crap, and it's not fair that the people around you aren't as reliable as you are. And I hate that I'm one of them. Whatever's eating you up, just know it's not your fault."
The logical part of his brain knows this.
It the deepest corners of his mind, he knows rage lurks around this fact. It makes him angry at Aomine, at so many people that he loves that it's just easier to blame himself anyways. He can't yell at his parents, who keep him fed and sheltered. He can't suddenly unforgive his friends, who have since sought help and have shown their forms of remorse.
The only one to blame is himself, the one who can't just move on.
"Thank you Shige-kun. You're right." The words are hollow and meaningless, but they're not for him.
Shige gives him a warm smile, but this time the cold doesn't abate.
"C'mon, let's keep playing. I wanna at least get to the next world," says Shige as he restarts the level.
Tetsuya picks up his controller obediently, and goes through the motions to play the game.
He's getting awful sick of this.
.
.
He's relieved to wake up in a better mood.
Nowhere near cheerful, but he can work with this.
It would be a waste if he were in such a bitter state on one of the few weekends he had Shige over. It is only 4am though, so there's plenty of time for that to change before his friend even wakes up, but he's going to will himself into positivity.
He's going to be okay.
He quietly pads out of his room with a book, not a sound to be heard but the whisper of his socked feet sweeping the floor. He flips on one of the kitchen lights that shines down over the table before he turns on the stove to heat the kettle and prepares himself a cup of peppermint tea. As the water heats up, he thumbs open his book to the marked page.
He should probably feel exhausted. They went to bed just after midnight, and spent another half hour or so just talking before they fell asleep. Yet somehow, he's woken up early feeling wide awake, even if he doesn't quite feel rested.
The quiet click of claws against the floor is all he needs to hear to know that Nigou is coming to him at a rather sedate pace. The dog pokes his head in before he walks up to his owner at a faster speed. Not excited enough to yip and jump, but rapidly wagging his tail to show his joy all the same.
"Hello Nigou, I hope I haven't woken you up," he greets as he bends down to give his head a few rubs. It seems the dog isn't in the mood to play or beg for more attention because once Tetsuya withdraws his hand, he has no problem with sitting peacefully by his feet and licking at his paw.
The angry bubbling of water and the stream of steam that's steadily building in intensity convinces Tetsuya to turn off the stove. He minds his feet as he steps over Nigou and makes his tea quietly, mindful of the sound of his spoon hitting his mug even though it wouldn't be audible all the way in his room. He continues to read as the drink cools, not particularly invested in the story at the moment, but it's something to do other than stare at the walls.
A thought comes out of the blue.
'I want to see her.'
The desire strikes him so suddenly - almost violently with its intensity - that the book slips from his grasp to thump against the table with a sharp sound. He really wants to see Halmeoni – alive, not just a picture.
Without prompt the memory of her dead body comes to mind just as eagerly, just as vividly as his memories of yesterday. Her cheek, so unnaturally cold and stiff it was like she was replaced with a wax statue of her likeness. It makes his skin crawl, and he hates himself for it.
He's starting to hate himself for a lot of things-
He forces his thoughts to go back further, before that awful night. When her paper skin was soft and warm, like a well-worn book. Her crooked left pinky and her calloused hands, always gentle and delicate with their work. Her kind smile, vibrant eyes, her everything that was his everything.
He really needs one of her hugs right now. It's something that he wishes for so keenly that it hurts. He's forced to wrap his own arms around himself in a poor facsimile of comfort, trying to physically hold himself together. One moment he's just trying to pass the time and now he's at the verge of tears, each breath shaky and inconsistent.
Maybe this is what Midorima warned him about.
It was better when he was more detached about it. Now he feels like he's about to burst apart like some kind of human confetti popper. He's trembling, gasping with dry sobs because as much as his eyes are watering no tears fall.
God, is this grieving?
Didn't he already pay his dues at the funeral? Isn't it supposed to get easier with time? Why doesn't anyone else seem to be struggling? His face feels too hot and his hands are starting to feel cold. He's fighting to stifle his coughs and sniffles as his breathing becomes more erratic, but at no point does he move to wake Shige.
His father went right back to work without a hitch, his mother sorted through her things without shedding a tear. Yet he can't even see her face without feeling like nothing will ever be okay again.
He doesn't even want their comfort at the moment, would rather pass out hyperventilating before they saw him in this state, but why couldn't they stay? Why didn't they ask if he was going to be okay before they left?
He grits his teeth and unwinds an arm to grab a fistful of hair, and he tugs with enough strength to make his scalp ache. It doesn't make him feel better but it's enough to distract him from the death-grip on his heart. "What is wrong with me?" he hisses. He has to resist the temptation to smash his own head against the table while his hand is in such a good position. Instead, he roughly scrubs at his eyes with his free hand, releasing his tears from limbo.
He really wants to keep hurting himself. Scratch at his arms until they bleed, shout until his throat is raw, punch whatever's near until something breaks – but that's frightening behaviour. That's wild and uncontrolled and he's known for his restraint.
He has to pull it together before he wakes up Shige.
It's hard, but he tries to slow his breathing. Really tries to take deep breathes despite the way his lungs still try to rapidly flutter. He closes his eyes and thinks about Furihata, and the rhythmic way his chest moved. The gentle circles Mitobe rubbed his back and supported him with. Both memories helped him slow down to a more sustainable rate of breathing, but he already has a headache for all his troubles.
He's left feeling drained of all energy after this.
God.
What is he supposed to do after that ?
His feelings have never been so visceral. Primal enough to make him want to break things – himself included. He's really starting to get scared about all these uncontrollable thoughts and emotions, but he really doesn't know who he can talk to either. He strongly considers calling Akashi but taking the time into account and his apparent sleeping problems, he doesn't feel comfortable with the possibility of waking him. His next thought is Kagami, but his light doesn't have nearly as much tact as the other redhead. He'd force him to spill everything, and Kagami wouldn't even know what to do with this mess at a decent hour of day.
He knows he could talk to Shige, but the idea doesn't appeal to him in the slightest either. He doesn't know how he'd even begin to explain what's going on in his head without alarming him. He doesn't want to be treated like he's going to break apart any second, no matter how arguably true it is right now.
He just...wants someone to be there for him. Consistently, and without judgement or pressure – like Halmeoni was.
Maybe this was a long time coming if so much of his emotional stability relied on one person, but he would like to think he could have learned to rely on his friends more if things had a chance to settle before she passed. It just feels too heavy for their still mending bonds – he feels like too much of a burden.
He only just proved his true strength to them; it almost feels like losing if he needs to borrow their strength so soon.
Maybe he's just too prideful.
Tetsuya sighs through clenched teeth, air escaping through the crevices between each one with an angry hiss. He rests his forehead on the heels of his palms, arms braced on the table while he allows his eyes to slip closed with frustration.
He can't stop trembling.
He can't feel anything.
He feels too hot.
He feels kind of tingly.
Nothing feels real.
Something feels broken.
...
...and yet, somehow, it all feels normal.
It feels fine.
This is fine.
This is the new normal.
"You're okay. Everything is okay. Just keep going. You have to keep going." His voice is hoarse from all the silent screaming.
.
.
The self-harm begins after the line "Why didn't they ask if he was going to be okay before they left?"
And he comes down from his panic attack by "It's hard, but he tries to slow his breathing."
I really love writing this story. We're maybe almost halfway through, and I've already surpassed all of my goals and expectations. It's taken a while, but I've finally hit a 100k+ word count (not including A/Ns ect.) I'm very proud of myself even though some people can triple that no problem.
For those of you asking for more GoM, you will get it soon, but for now, Kuroko is kind of rotating between friend groups. I'm actually biased towards the GoM if you look at my other fics, but it feels like Seirin and Shige get neglected for them in the fandom in general, so when I planned out this fic it was to make sure everyone gets their time. Don't you worry, I'm building up to these groups mingling more.
See you guys next year!