Chapter 17.

Sam was in his room, staring at the ceiling and remembering every single time he had lied to his brother and told himself it was okay, because he had a good reason, because he had no choice. None had ended well and even though they had agreed in the Pact not to throw the past in each other's faces, he knew that Dean remembered them as well as he did.

Unexpectedly, his mother knocked on the door and said, "Two minutes!"

"To what?" he said.

She opened the door and came in. "We're going for a walk."

"I'd love to, but I don't really have time."

She looked around his room, empty of notes, books and any hint of doing anything but wallowing, her expression eloquent. "We can talk out there, away from Cas's fine hearing, or we can talk in here. I'm not taking a vote on this. I've been more than patient."

"Okay, okay!" he said. He owed it to her to set her mind at ease over him. He knew that she worried about him, especially when he and his brother clashed - even when his brother didn't know about the conflict.

He took her to the trees, his favourite spot for conspiring with the members of what he now thought of as Team Meerkat. Once there, he said, "I'm okay, Dean's okay. The situation is under control."

"Jack says you're not okay." said Mary, "I can see you're not okay. You're consumed with guilt. You're angry with yourself for lying to Dean and Cas and I understand that, but you had to find a way to help them and you found it and you made it work. Because of you, they both feel safe and Cas isn't thinking about going to Heaven for help."

"For now. But I can't keep them both fooled forever. When Dean knows I lied to him, tricked him, he will hate me."

"Really? The brother who went to Hell for you, who sees you as a hero many times over, who would, right now, give up anything for you, would hate you for protecting him with a lie? Sweetheart, he's loved you since before you were born. He'll love you forever."

"Doesn't stop him being angry, feeling betrayed. I'm not scared of Dean's anger. I've faced that many times. I just hate the thought of him believing that I betrayed him ... knowing I betrayed him."

"Sam, you never betrayed anyone in your life." she said.

He sat on the tree trunk that lay on the ground there. "I've let him down so many times, in so many ways, for so many reasons. I never wanted to. I owe Dean everything."

"He knows you never wanted to let him down. He'll know when all this comes out that you did it to help him."

"When we were kids, he was always there for me. He always cared. He kept me safe. More than that, he made me feel safe, in a world that often wasn't. If I woke in the night, he always seemed to wake too, or to have been awake, watching over me. Every time I needed him, there he was."

"Jack needs you like you needed Dean." she said.

"I know that." he said.

"He's worried that you may leave. He's scared he could lose you."

"Whatever happens, I'll keep in touch with Jack." he said.

"So you are planning to leave?"

"When this blows up ... and we all know it's going to, Dean may throw me out."

"The people in the bunker follow you, not Dean. If there's any conflict, they'll back you."

"It won't come to that." said Sam, "I run the hunters, Dean runs the bunker. He says go, I go."

"I thought you found the bunker together and you and Dean are equals." she said.

"No, we're really not. We work together and make decisions together, but this is his bunker. He loves it. It's home to him."

"And not to you?"

"My home is wherever Dean is. It always has been. I'll find my way back, even if he tells me to go, but if he needs me to leave, I'll leave. Everything is in place. The information he needs to run everything is all set up for him."

"What if I tell you not to go?" she said, "I'll act as mediator. I'll make Dean understand. You boys have lost so much and so much of it was because of me. Let me fix this for you. Let me stop you from losing each other."

Sam patted the trunk and she sat beside him. "I love you for caring," he said, "But I hate that you still blame yourself. Because of you, we exist. Because of you, we had our Dad. I mean, you've seen what happened to the world where you didn't make that deal with Azazel. Did that look like a better ending to you?"

"No." she said, "But you have every reason to hate me for making that deal."

"Well, tough. I don't. I'm glad you made it and not just because I'd never have been born if you didn't. Maybe, without Azazel and what he did to me, I would never have been able to defeat Lu ... the Devil. All those evil plans backfired. Winchesters have a way of making that happen. Don't blame yourself for the past. Maybe the past had to happen like it did for things to work out now."

"You call this working out? You thinking of leaving us? And it's sweet of you to reassure me, but we're here to discuss you."

"Okay." he said, "Since this clearly matters to you a lot, I will promise to allow you to try to reason with Dean and mediate this mess, but in return, you have to promise not to blame yourself if you can't stop him from throwing me out. Do we have a deal?"

"We do," she said, "And thanks."

He shook her hand. "You're the best Mom in the world, you know that?"

"I think I neglected you a little in your childhood." she said.

"You had a pretty good excuse." he replied.