They didn't end up sleeping much that night, though Remus knew it meant he'd be tired the next day, he couldn't really bring himself to care. It wasn't like he hadn't spend days exhausted before, and if any reason was a good one, then this was it. Sirius had promised that he wouldn't mind if Remus slept, but Remus had only scoffed at the thought. There was no chance he would have left Sirius sitting up alone in a house that reminded him of his parents, what sort of a emfriend/em would he be then? So, despite the fact that there were five bedrooms in the massive, massive house, Sirius and Remus spent the majority of the night together in the attic bedroom that Remus had fallen in love with the first time he'd come over. Silent laughter took over as they both became more and more tired, cigarettes were lit and the window flung open, nonsense conversations, crude jokes on Sirius' part, and they were happy. They were sleep deprived and no matter what happened, Remus knew Sirius was anxious, but that was okay, they were fighting it. And they were doing a damn good job at it too.

—

Remus woke to an arm that wasn't his own slung across his chest, up against another body. With a start, he remembered who it was that was lying next to him...on the floor? Why were they on the floor? He couldn't possibly have answered that, but there were more pressing matters to figure out. The first being, how did he get out of this position without disturbing Sirius? The second being, surely Sirius was uncomfortable with his head turned away at such an odd angle? This was the second time he'd found himself pressed close to Sirius, surely it was going to get awkward at some point. He almost wished it emwas/em, then at least he could force himself away, but it wasn't. It was comfortable and right and familiar and all the things that Remus longed for.

Preparing himself to spend some time in this position, Remus shuffled a little, it was cold on the floor. But he needn't have worried, because as soon as Remus shifted, Sirius' head turned towards him, eyes wide open, very much awake. Startled, Remus snapped into an upright position, not even caring about Sirius' arm that had been across his chest. Heart pounding, he looked incredulously at the other boy. After a failed attempt at words, he simply sighed and made a hopeless sort of hand gesture. emWhy on earth were they so close if Sirius was awake?/em

"You alright there?" Sirius asked, languidly moving from his back to a sitting position, looking somewhat concerned for Remus. And once again, Remus had to wonder how it was possible for someone to look so ridiculously good after sleeping in such a terrible place.

"I, er, yeah. Good. Right," came Remus' reply.

"That doesn't sound too good Rem," Sirius stated, smiling a little.

"Yeah, well, you know me," Remus offered, not quite looking Sirius in the eye.

"That emreally/em doesn't sound good." Sirius moved a little so he was now facing Remus, his hand hovered for a moment, before he put it to rest in his lap. "What's up?" His voice full of concern.

"Nothing's up. I'm fine, really." Remus knew he wasn't convincing, but in all honesty, he didn't really care at the moment. There was pain coursing through his body, probably more to do with the stress of getting here yesterday than sleeping on the floor. He was completely freaked out by the whole situation. So no, he didn't care, and if that made him awful then he didn't know what to do about that either.

"Remus." Sirius' voice was low and concerned.

"Sirius?"

"I'm not stupid you know."

emIt would be much easier if you were./em

"Yeah, I know," came the clipped reply, and for a moment he felt bad. Just because he was uncomfortable didn't give him the right to force the same upon Sirius.

"Can I help with anything?"

"No." Remus hesitated before continuing, there was no way he could make this sound better, "but, it'd be best if we stopped ending up quite so wrapped up in each other."

Sirius looked taken aback, and what Remus could only assume was hurt crossed the other boy's face. Quickly though, Sirius brushed it away, replaced it with a much harder expression and stood up. "Sure, whatever you say Remus."

There was no appropriate response — something he had caused himself — so Remus just nodded and slowly eased himself up off the floor. Hoping it wasn't going to be a painkiller day, they were the worst by far. And he couldn't make it obvious, not here. Not with everyone here, except Peter of course. People would be worried, and that was the last thing he wanted. So, stifling a groan, he bundled up some clothes and went to have a shower, hoping Sirius was able to put two and two together and get the idea that everyone was allowed to do practically whatever they wanted here.

"Wai—" Sirius began, but the closing of the door made sure that Remus couldn't hear the rest. He couldn't be this attatched to Sirius. He couldn't let them keep waking up like that. He emdefinitely/em couldn't let Sirius that close while awake. Fuck comfort. Comfort didn't end well. It never had.

—

Mid-day and Remus had spent the entire morning sitting as far away from Sirius as possible, while making sure that nothing looked amiss between the two of them. Something that had proved more difficult than he thought, he hadn't known just how often they sat next to each other, how automatic a soft touch to the other's shoulder was. But, he was managing, and no one had said anything yet. His voice was no longer shaking, he wasn't stuttering as much, as a whole, he was convincing to everyone but Sirius. James had noticed the pain as he was bound to. They had spent far too many days together doing whatever they could to ease Remus' pain for James emnot/em to notice it by now. But the rest of them were peacefully oblivious to Remus' pain, both physical and mental.

So, the day continued, playing board games to the sound of the storm outside. Sitting by a fire and drinking hot chocolate. Perfectly homely.

Remus could almost ignore the pain as he looked over everyone, all seated on the floor, smiling, grinning, laughing. They emhad/em been about to play a weird New Zealand trivia/board game — Effie and Monty had picked it up on their travels — but they'd been distracted by something or the other. And if James' laughter coupled with Lily's wasn't infectious, then not even gastro was. After some amusing story about James as a kid had Remus on his back, laughing, he thought maybe, maybe things weren't so bad after all.

Sure, he couldn't let himself get anymore attatched to Sirius, and sure, he could feel the beginnings of a nasty headache, but he was here, with family. Because this emwas/em family, no matter what other people might think. Stories were being exchanged, mostly for Sirius' benefit, Remus assumed. And if he could paint, Remus would want to paint this.

The curtains being open was useless, there was practically no light coming in. So everyone was lit up by the warm glow of the fireplace and the lamps places carefully around the room. Everyone was in a circle of sorts. James and Lily pressed close, a brilliant example of the perfect couple if there ever was one. On the other side of James was Monty who looked as he always did, a balanced combination of amused, fatherly, and somehow professional. Next to Monty was Effie. Remus sat between Effie and Sirius, both of whom looked picturesque. Effie sitting wrapped in a blanket looking like the perfect picture of a stereotypical mother. Sirius looked radiant as always, though Remus hated to admit it, Sirius' sharp edges somewhat softened by the light. It was perfectly lovely.

Except it wasn't, not after that moment of bliss. No, it wasn't perfectly lovely. It wasn't perfectly anything, because it was after that moment that Sirius turned to look at Remus, a question in his eyes and a hand coming to rest on Remus' knee, and though he tried, Remus couldn't help the flinch that came as Sirius touched him. The shocked expression on Sirius' face was all Remus needed to excuse himself and walk out of the room, dropping a kiss on the top of James' head along with a whispered, "everything's alright, I promise." It was easier to get questions out of the way earlier rather than later, though he knew his promise wouldn't answer even one of James' questions.

As quickly as he could, he was packing his bag, stuffing clothes and a book inside. Shrugging on a jumper and a coat, slipping his phone in his pocket, swallowing two painkillers and he was on his way back down the stairs. A scrawled note was placed on the kitchen counter, and he found himself grateful for the house being so large because it meant that while everyone else was in the emsecond/em living room, Remus could quietly slip out the front door.

Walking the minute's trip to the bus stop, he checked his phone and was relieved to see that the bus was only a few minutes away. He wasn't so relieved when he finally processed what exactly it was that he was doing. Running away? Could he call it that? He guessed that's what James would call it when he called Remus, angry and frightened. He guessed that's what Lily would call it when she suggested he go see someone about it all. He guessed that's what Effie would call it when she promised him that it was okay to make a mistake. He guessed that's what Monty would call it when he scolded Remus in his deep voice full of disappointment and more caring than Remus deserved. It was emdefinitely/em what Sirius would call it when he yelled. But surely running away was a better option than burdening them all with him? It was perfect in there, it was lovely, and Sirius needed that, James and Lily were happy. No one needed his anxieties fucking that up. So onto the bus he stepped, and then after that onto a train, then another train, and then a bus.

—

He was home at five, and no one had called, texted, or anything else. Most likely, they thought that he was wandering around Brighton somewhere, it wasn't like he hadn't done that before. He'd spent hours wandering places, even if he didn't quite know where he was, it was peaceful. But they would call soon, when he'd been gone for more than three hours, he knew they started panicking. Hopefully, hopefully one of them had seen the note, but of course, there was always the chance that they wouldn't have.

He turned the heater on, he'd not been home for the past few days pretty much, and it was freezing. He'd deal with the bill when it came, right now he needed to be warm. Setting down his backpack in the corner it seemed to fit in best, he was making his way to the kettle when his phone rang. A sigh, a flick of the kettle and his phone was in his hand, already answering it, not even knowing if he was prepared.

"What the fuck, Remus?" James' voice came through, angry and loud, not quite yelling, but Remus wouldn't be surprised if it got there.

"Sorry."

"Sorry? Is that it? What the hell? What's going on, mate? Talk to me, please? Come back here, I'll pay for your tickets. I did actually want you here you know."

"I know, I know."

"Why did you leave then?"

"I just couldn't stay there, Jamie."
"Jamie?" James' tone was incredulous, "you haven't called me that in probably years. What's wrong?"

"Sorry. I just, I just couldn't stay there. Everything was so perfect and lovely."
"Well now it's not, because you left, you understand that?"
"It would've been worse if I had stayed."

"No, it wouldn't have been. You can talk to me, to any of us, actually."
"I kn—"

"Don't you dare say that you know, because you clearly don't. Otherwise you would."
"I know you wouldn't mind me talking to you."

"Well why don't you then?"
"I can't."

"Alright, alright, Remus. Are you going to come back?"

"No, no, I don't think I am," Remus replied, biting his lip. There was no point in even saying he would think about it.

"Expect Sirius then, because he looks ready to break down your door. If I didn't know you as well as I did now, I would be doing the same." James paused before filling the silence. "It would be best if you just came back."
"I'm sorry James, I really am. If you need me, you can call or text or something. I'm so, so sorry. I do care about you, I do, I do care about you. I promise, James. Rwy'n addo."

"I know you care, I know you're sorry. I'm not concerned about that. I'm concerned about emyou/em."

"I'll be fine, I promise. Try convince Sirius out of coming here, okay? I'll see you when you get back. I love you, really."
"I love you too, Rem. Be safe."
"Okay."

James was the one who hung up, leaving Remus sitting on the floor, not quite sure what to do with himself. Most of all, hoping that Sirius wasn't going to come and break down his door, he didn't want to have to get his door fixed, and more importantly, he didn't want to have to discuss things with Sirius. He emcouldn't/em. He just couldn't. Maybe this was him making excuses — it definitely was — but he didn't have the energy at the moment. Not for that. Not for Sirius, really. Not because of Sirius, necessarily, just because, well because of him, he supposed. If he tried to explain things, he'd just end up sounding crazy.

So he pushed aside that thought, made himself a cup of tea, grabbed his textbooks and settled down in front of the heater. Figuring he may as well get some studying done if he was going to be a coward about the rest of it.

—

It was nearly four hours later, 8:47, when Sirius called, and Remus had half a mind not to pick up the phone, but he always felt awful after ignoring a call, so he seldom did.

"Hello," he offered, wincing at the sound of his voice, cringing at the reply he knew would come.

"I'm coming over. James is right, if you don't open the door, I will force it open."
"Please don't."
"Then talk."
"No."
"I'm coming then."

"No."

"I'm coming. I'll be there in fifteen. End of discussion."

"Don't."

"Then talk to me. Or James. Or Lily. Talk to Peter, Marlene, Dorcas. Just fucking talk. Remus, I don't want to do anything that will hurt you, and I know that Gilderoy probably came over unwanted too, but I also don't want emyou/em doing anything to hurt you."

"I will talk, I will. Just not yet."

"I'm coming over." And just the way Sirius said it, Remus knew that there wasn't going to be any room for argument.

"Sirius."

"No," Sirius' voice was sharp and Remus almost flinched. "I'll see you in fifteen. Be there."

"Okay," came Remus' hushed reply before he quickly hung up.

What had he gotten himself into? He should've just stayed, pushed through. He should have done better. And now he'd messed up. He'd fucked all of it up. He'd abandoned James, he'd hurt Sirius. It was a mess. All because of him and his fucking anxiety. Now Sirius was coming over and Remus wasn't in any state to talk. Especially not to Sirius. He'd pulled Sirius away from what could've been a lovely few days. He'd gone to help James and now he'd done the opposite. Leaving them all thinking he was the one that needed help. But what could he do now? Sirius was on his way over, and Remus had no doubt that Sirius emwould/em kick down the door if he needed to. So, tea in hand, Remus sat himself down on the couch, front door unlocked, phone next to him. Hoping, hoping that somehow, Sirius would decide not to come.

Unfortunately, his hope didn't work so well. Fifteen minutes later found Sirius on Remus' front step, knocking urgently.

"It's unlocked."

That was all it took for Sirius to be standing on the inside of Remus' apartment.

"I'm sorry," Remus whispered, not meeting Sirius' eyes, and not standing up from his spot on the couch.

"Oh Rem," Sirius' voice was quiet, "can I come over?"

"It wasn't a question before."

"It is now."

"Okay."

"Thank you."

Sirius walked over quickly, but hesitantly, eventually perching on the opposite end of the couch. There was silence for a few minutes, neither boy really sure what they should be saying. Neither of them wanting to hurt the other, though that seemed inevitable, to Remus at least. Sirius looked exhausted and a little defeated, an expression he never thought he'd see on Sirius, though he knew that if their friendship continued, he was bound to. Sirius looked like it would only take a few sentences to send him crumbling, and Remus knew that he looked similar. What a pair they made the two of them.

"We've got to talk, Remus," Sirius began. Remus' only reply was a small noise of assent. "No, we really do have to talk. Which means you have to talk too. What happened?"

"Nothing important. I can come back to Brighton if that's what it takes for you all to stop worrying."

"Oh yes, if you come back after running out on us all, after having ignored me all day, yeah, coming back will fix it! That doesn't even make sense."

"It doesn't have to," Remus replied, nervously playing with an elastic band.

"Yeah, yeah it does. What happened?"
"With what? Running out? I don't know. So leave it alone." Remus' jaw was clenched, and despite the pain he was in, he was ready to run if he needed to.

"Yes you do. You definitely know, you just don't want to talk about it," Sirius paused, sitting up straighter as if he were steeling himself for whatever was coming next, "You flinched when I touched you. You haven't done that in weeks."

"We've barely known each other for weeks," Remus snapped.

"Is that what this is? You think we're too close for people who've not known each other long?"
"I think we're too close point blank."

"What does that mean?" Sirius asked, now clenching his fists.

"Hit me if that's what you want. I don't care," Remus paused, he did care, very much, but if Sirius wanted to hit him like his fists suggested it would make all of this so much easier, "I just don't think whatever it is we're doing is a good idea."

"Why the hell would I hit you?"

"I don't know."
"Then stop it. And the only thing we've been doing is being friends. If you don't want that, fine."
"I just can't."

"You can. You just won't." And this time Sirius' voice was cold and harsher than he'd heard it before. "I don't know what's going on, but running away—" there is was, there was the phrase, " —won't help."

"It might."
"Talking will help!" Sirius was practically yelling now. "Running won't. I've tried it! You've tried it! Enough is enough, just talk." And now Sirius was yelling, and Remus wanted to do nothing more than stand up and leave, but he couldn't do that either, because as much as he didn't want to admit it, Sirius was right.

"I don't need to talk. And I definitely don't need another Gilderoy in my life."

"How am I like Gilderoy? We're not even dating." Sirius wasn't yelling now, but Remus knew it would take half a moment for it to rise back up again.

"You figure that out. But as of right now, get out."

"Fine."

Within seconds, Sirius was gone and Remus was shaking. An angry groan and Remus' mug was in pieces on the floor. He knew he'd regret it when he next went to grab a mug and saw that there was an uneven amount, but that didn't matter now. None of it mattered now. Holding the jumper Sirius brought close, he sighed; how had things gone so very wrong? He hadn't a clue, though he wished he did. He'd been trying, trying to make this all work. What was this exactly? He wasn't sure.

All he knew was, he cared for Sirius an awful lot. More so than he had cared for anyone new in a long time. The last time he'd been so close to someone so quickly, it had been Gilderoy. Sure, he'd made friends since then, but nothing — no one — had taken over quite so quickly. Maybe he should've turned him away at the bakery when they first met, but not even Remus could deny that whatever had been going on between him and Sirius had been nice. More than nice, in fact. But was it James nice? Or was it something else?