xaviorismy1andonly3512 - This fic is going to focus on Rachel, Shelby and Rachel's dads, so, other than not being adopted by Shelby, you can imagine whatever you want for Beth, I haven't realy thought about it!
dracoismyboyfriendguys - Thank you so much for your review. Without going into too much detail, some of this fic is quite personal, so to have someone say that I'm doing a good job of expressing Shelby's feelings means a lot, it's so easy to imagine the way Shelby's feeling but trying to turn those feelings into words is a completely different matter! Thank you for your review, and I hope you 'enjoy' (although I'm not sure that's the right word) what I have planned for Shelby in the future.
Rachel was quiet as she let herself into the house that afternoon. She'd been a little subdued all day, worried about Shelby, worried about the woman that had still been sleeping when she'd left the house that morning. She hung up her jacket and slipped off her shoes, dropping her bag at the bottom of the stairs to take up to her room later and walked through to the living room, smiling slightly when she saw Shelby curled up in a blanket in the armchair, a movie playing on the TV. She didn't say anything but made her way over, sitting herself down on the arm of the chair. Shelby looked up at Rachel before switching her gaze back to the TV, silently reaching out and taking hold of Rachel's hand, stroking her thumb over the back of Rachel's palm.
Hiram had been in his office working through a few things. He'd stayed with Shelby until she'd woken and, after making Shelby a mug of tea and a sandwich she didn't eat, she told him she'd be fine on her own for a while if he needed to do some work. Hiram had taken the hint, Shelby wanted some time to herself, so he'd left her watching a movie and gone into his office. He glanced at the clock, he hadn't heard Rachel come in but assumed she was home and with Shelby but went to check anyway.
He was right, as he'd expected, Rachel was with Shelby, but he hadn't expected this, he hadn't expected to find Rachel sat beside Shelby in the armchair, her legs draped over Shelby's thighs, her head on her Mom's shoulder as the two of them slept peacefully together. He walked over to the pair, picking the blanket from where it had fallen on the floor, covering them both with it, "get some rest" he whispered when he saw Shelby's eyes slowly open, "I'll wake you when it's time for dinner" he promised, flicking off the TV and leaving Shelby and Rachel to sleep.
Hiram hadn't been in the kitchen for long, had just began to get out ingredients for dinner when Leroy came home, heading straight for the kitchen. "Hey" he smiled as he dropped his things in a chair and kissed Hiram gently, "everything okay?"
"Everything's okay" Hiram nodded before asking his husband, "Have you been in the living room?"
"No" Leroy frowned, "why?"
"Go look" Hiram smiled, "just be quiet."
Leroy frowned but did as Hiram told him to, "oh" he smiled as he came back, his phone in his hand, "that is adorable."
"Did you get pictures?"
"Of course" Leroy smiled, "I'm surprised you didn't."
"I wasn't expecting it, I didn't have my phone, Shelby said she'd be okay watching a movie if I did some work in the office, I got a bit lost in things and before I knew it, it was 4.15 so I went to see if Rachel was home and they were both curled up like that. Shelby woke a little as I covered them both with the blanket, so it's probably a good job I didn't!"
"I'm going to bring it out the next time Shelby tells us she doesn't think she's a good Mom."
Hiram smiled, "Rachel shares her bed sometimes, you know what Rachel's like, I'd bet everything I have that this isn't the first time Shelby's ended up holding her like that whether she wants to or not."
"Yeah" Leroy chucked, "that's true" he pecked Hiram's lips, "have I got time to shower before dinner?"
Hiram nodded, "you've got about half an hour, but before she wakes up, I should tell you, Shelby was still really tense and anxious earlier, she put her anxiety at a seven or eight out of ten, I was worried about the possibility of her having another panic attack and she admitted to feeling awful because of her anxiety so I convinced her to take one of her valium pills. So if she's a bit spaced out or not really with it when she wakes, it's because of that, she likened the feeling to being stoned."
"Shelby's smoked…"
"She said it was in college" Hiram interrupted, worried Leroy was jumping to the wrong conclusion, "and I've got no reason to not believe her."
"No, you're right, I just…"
"You worried" Hiram said softly, "it's only natural, but that isn't something you need to worry about, I just didn't want you to worry about Shelby if she isn't completely with it later."
Leroy nodded, "thanks for telling me" he pecked his husband's lips, "I'm going to shower" he told him, "I won't be long."
Even as a child, Rachel had never been one for taking long naps and this time was no different, the teen stirring less than 30 minutes after falling asleep. She was briefly confused when she woke, much like the first time she'd fallen asleep in Shelby's arms in her apartment, but once she realised where she was, who she was with, Rachel relaxed slightly, nuzzling closer to her Mom, not wanting to let her go.
Rachel moving closer woke Shelby, and she took a moment to watch Rachel, she'd spent enough time with the girl over the past few days that she knew something wasn't right. Rachel was still curled into Shelby, loosely holding Shelby's hand in her own. "Rachel" Shelby said softly.
She didn't get chance to ask her if she was okay before Rachel's head snapped up, her eyes filled with unshed tears, "you're not going to… to do anything are you."
"Oh Rachel" Shelby put her arms around Rachel and hugged her tightly, Rachel nuzzling into Shelby, clutching at her pyjama top, "I'm not going to do anything" she promised. "I had an anxiety attack last night, it was probably just as scary for you as it was for me, and I still felt a little off earlier but I'll be okay."
"You, you won't hurt yourself?"
"No" Shelby hated how scared Rachel sounded. "When I… before, when I did those things, I felt like there was no point in me being here, I felt like I had nothing to live for. But I've got you now, and if there's anything in this world that's going to encourage me to keep fighting, if anything's going to give me a reason to keep getting out of bed, even on the worst days, it's you. And no matter how much I hate myself, hate the way I feel sometimes, I love you far too much to put you through that."
"I don't want to lose you Mom. Not when I've only just got you back."
Shelby dropped a kiss to Rachel's hair as the girl clung to her, "I'm not going anywhere Rachel, you don't need to worry about that."
"You…" Rachel chewed her lip, "you don't seem…" she didn't know how she said what she wanted to say without potentially offending her Mom, but eventually she settled on, "are you still tired?" Shelby seemed a little spaced out, her speech slower than usual and Rachel didn't know if that was something to worry about or not.
Shelby nodded, letting her head rest on Rachel's shoulder, deciding to he honest with her, "I took something earlier, a drug that I was prescribed to take alongside my antidepressants when I feel like I need it, it has helped me feel less anxious but I feel a bit…" she frowned as she searched for the right word, "dopey?" she shrugged, she wasn't sure that was the word she wanted but it would do.
Rachel nodded, "do Dad and Daddy know what you've taken?"
"Your Daddy does" Shelby nodded, her head still on Rachel's shoulder, "he was the one who encouraged me to take it, he was worried I might have another anxiety attack. You don't need to worry about me Rachel" she whispered, "I know I'm a mess right now, that I'm in a really shit place, but I'll get through it" she whispered, "I'll be okay. I'll be okay for you."
Rachel was still holding Shelby's hand, "I want you to be okay for you too Mom."
"I will be" Shelby nodded, before telling Rachel, "I like it when you call me Mom."
"Really?" Rachel's face lit up.
"Yeah" Shelby nodded, "It makes me feel…" she shrugged, not knowing how to describe it, "I like it."
"Then I'll make sure I say it a lot Mom."
Shelby said nothing but nuzzled into Rachel and let her eyes close again as she simply enjoyed holding her daughter close. She knew that the effects of the valium would wear off eventually, but right now she couldn't bring herself to care.
Rachel noticed that Shelby seemed to have spaced out a little, but as she didn't seem to be worrying about anything she let her be, just kept herself tucked against her Mom, reluctant to move from her warm embrace.
"Hmm?" it took a while for Shelby to realise Rachel was talking to her, and even longer for her brain to focus on the words.
"Daddy says dinner is ready, do you want to come eat with us?"
"I, I'm not really hungry" Shelby saw Rachel's face fall, "but I'll try and eat something."
Rachel kept hold of Shelby's hand and led her through to the kitchen, "Mom's going to try and eat something" she said with a smile.
"Okay" Hiram smiled, happy not only that Shelby was going to try and eat, but that Rachel had called Shelby Mom. "We're having tacos, there's beef mince and soya mince" he smiled as he put plates out on the table before setting out all the ingredients for everyone to help themselves.
Shelby managed just one taco, but everyone was slightly relieved that she'd eaten at all. Her movements were slow, her hand shaking slightly and there were a few moments where it was almost like she forgot what she was doing in the middle of doing it. "I think… I think l…" she frowned slightly, "what do I think?" she asked once she'd finished her taco, "I..." she shrugged.
"Mom?" Rachel frowned.
"I think I need to go back to bed" she finally decided.
"Can I sleep in with you again tonight?" Rachel asked.
Shelby leaned over and kissed Rachel's hair, Leroy reaching out to grab Shelby's waist to stop her falling off her chair, "you can sleep in with me anytime you like."
"I'll come up with you" Leroy said as Shelby stood, "make sure you don't need anything." In reality, he just wanted to make sure she made it to her bedroom.
"I think I'm just going to sleep" Shelby told Leroy as he walked upstairs behind him, "I took a pill earlier and I think my brain melted."
Leroy chuckled, "I think maybe you've just forgotten what it feels like to be relaxed."
"Yeah" Shelby shrugged as she flopped down on top of the covers, "maybe."
"Come on" Leroy tugged gently on the duvet, "get in properly so Rachel can cuddle you when she comes up."
Shelby shuffled under the covers, "she likes to cuddle."
"She does" Leroy brushed Shelby's hair from her face and pulled the covers around her, "and she'll be up soon to cuddle with you." Shelby's eyes flitted closed and Leroy smiled softly, "sleep well Shelby."
Shelby fell asleep almost before Leroy made it back to the kitchen, a combination of lingering exhaustion from her anxiety attack and the pill she'd taken, helping lull her into a peaceful slumber. Her eyes fluttered open as Rachel slipped into the bed beside her several hours later, "sorry" Rachel whispered, "I didn't mean to wake you."
Shelby smiled sleepily, reaching out to lay her hand on Rachel's cheek, "you're so beautiful" she said softly, kissing Rachel's forehead before her eyes closed again, her hand still cupping Rachel's cheek.
Rachel smiled, not sure if Shelby had actually been awake or not, but she didn't really mind, she carefully took Shelby's hand from her cheek, clutching it gently in her own as she too drifted off to sleep.
They woke on opposite sides of the bed the next morning but Rachel was still loosely holding Shelby's hand in her own, "hi" Shelby smiled when she saw Rachel's eyes flutter open less than fifteen minutes after she'd woken.
"Hi" Rachel returned the smile.
"Are you okay?" Shelby reached out her free hand to brush Rachel's hair back from her face.
Rachel nodded, "I'm okay. Are you?"
"Yeah, still a little tired and my head, it still feels a bit like there are marshmallows where my brain's meant to be, but I feel a lot better than I did yesterday" she said honestly.
Rachel couldn't help but smile at Shelby saying her head felt like it was full of marshmallows, "I'm glad you're feeling better."
"Me too." Shelby paused for a minute before telling Rachel, "you don't need to worry about me Rachel, I'll be okay."
"I know you will" Rachel shuffled closer until she could wrap her arms around her Mom, "but I'll still worry about you, I worry about Daddy too when his depression is bad, I can't help it."
"I know" Shelby returned the hug, not minding at all that Rachel didn't seem in any hurry to let go. "I have to go somewhere later" She told her, "I'll be leaving here about three, I don't know how long it will take, so I can't say when I'll be back but I will come back" she promised.
"Okay" Rachel nodded, "you erm… You'll be okay?"
"I'll be fine" Shelby promised.
"I should get up" Rachel sighed, "I have to leave soon for dance class, I'll be back by lunch though."
"Okay" Shelby kissed Rachel's temple, "I'll see you before I leave then" she reached out to gently stroke her cheek, "I'll be okay" she promised, "and I meant what I said last night, if sleeping in here helps you stop worrying about me, you can sleep in here whenever you want to.
"Thank you" Rachel smiled softly, "are you staying here?"
"Yeah, I might try and sleep a little more" Shelby told her, "I still feel a little fuzzy."
"Okay" Rachel kissed Shelby's cheek as she stood from the bed, "I love you Mom".
Shelby smiled as she made herself comfortable, "I love you too Rachel.
"How are you feeling?" Hiram asked as she walked into the kitchen about half an hour after Leroy and Rachel had left for her dance class, using the recently boiled kettle to make Shelby a mug of tea, deciding without asking, not to give her caffeine.
Shelby thanked him for the tea and thought for a moment, "less anxious" she nodded, she'd probably put her anxiety at around a three or a four, but that was about where it was most days, "and I feel a lot more with it than I did after taking the valium yesterday" her mind still felt a little hazy, but nothing at all like it had the previous day.
"It seemed to help though."
Shelby nodded, "I think it did, although, if there's a next time, I think I'd like to try just taking half a pill, don't get me wrong, I was glad of the respite from the anxiety I was feeling, but the 'cloudyness' in my head and the fact I felt like I kept falling asleep for a few minutes and I couldn't do anything to stop it, that was a weird feeling."
"That's fair enough" Hiram nodded, "and you're right. Half a pill might be enough to take the edge off your anxiety without knocking you out, and you can always take the other half if you feel you need to." he nodded before asking, "are you going to be okay to drive later?"
"I think so" Shelby nodded, "but can I let you know for sure later?"
"Of course, neither Leroy or I have any plans for today, so just say if you need one of us for anything."
"Thanks. Would I be able to use your basement later to do some yoga? Rachel said it would be okay but…"
"You don't need to ask Shelby, of course you can."
"Thank you" Shelby took a sip of her tea as she sat down at the table.
Hiram smiled as he watched her, she seemed a little tense and anxious, but nothing like she had been the day before, and the fact she was thinking about doing some yoga later reassured him slightly too. "Do you want anything to eat?" he regretted the question almost as soon as he'd asked it, not wanting to upset Shelby. He didn't upset her, in fact he was pleasantly surprised when she nodded.
"Could I have some toast please?" she asked, "only if you don't mind?"
"Of course not, one slice or two?"
"Just one please. I erm, I haven't got much of an appetite."
"Okay" Hiram dropped a slice of bread into the toaster, "that's fine."
Hiram sat with Shelby as she ate breakfast, they started off making small talk, but their conversation soon turned to Rachel, Hiram only too happy to share stories of Rachel's childhood, mostly moments where the girl had done things that had instantly reminded Hiram and Leroy of Shelby.
She was pleasantly surprised when she finished the whole slice of toast, and for once it didn't feel like a lump of concrete in the pit of her stomach. She turned down Hiram's offer of a second slice with a 'maybe later' not sure she would be able to manage another, but she thanked Hiram when he stood anyway, pouring her a glass of water and handing her her antidepressants, something that, for a second day, had slipped Shelby's mind.
She sat with Hiram for a while before excusing herself, changing into a pair of yoga pants and a tank top, pulling back her hair before heading down to the basement. Hiram smiled as he saw her, letting her know he'd be working in the office if she needed anything, wanting her to know he wouldn't be disturbing her.
Like Rachel had, Shelby found a YouTube video to follow, this one more challenging than the beginner one she'd done with her daughter, and, as she hit play, she forced herself to empty her mind, to focus on nothing but her breathing and the stretch of her body as she moved from one position to the next.
She found herself crying in child's pose at the end of the video, but she didn't mind, didn't even try to stop her tears, just stayed where she was, letting go of whatever her body felt like it needed to let go of.
Shelby stretched slightly when she felt ready to finally get up, slowly climbing the stairs and going to sit in the garden with her cigarettes, letting her mind wander and getting lost in her thoughts for a while, although if anyone asked, she wouldn't be able to pinpoint what exactly she was thinking about.
Once she'd finished her cigarette she made her way back up to her bedroom, her intention being to get changed so she could spend some time with Rachel between the girl getting home from her dance class and Shelby leaving for her appointment, but her weary body had other ideas, and when Hiram checked on her a while later, he found her fast asleep on top of the duvet.
It was the slam of the front door that woke Shelby from her slumber and she yawned and stretched out on the bed, frowning slightly as she found herself covered by a blanket she didn't remember using, a blanket Hiram had covered her with when he'd checked in on her.
She laid on the bed for a while as she let herself wake a little more before forcing herself to get up, knowing she couldn't lounge in bed all day, as much as she'd like to, so she made her way into the bathroom to freshen up a little and changed into a burgandy sweater dress with thick black tights, tying her hair back in a neat ponytail before making her way downstairs.
"Mom" Rachel's face lit up when she saw her, "Daddy said you were sleeping."
She nodded, "I did some yoga after you left for your dance class, I guess it was more strenuous than I thought" she smiled softly, "how was your dance class?"
"It was good" Rachel beamed, "we're rehearsing for a show next month, there was one part of the routine I was struggling with but I think I managed to get my head around it today."
"That's great" Shelby got herself a glass of water, pouring a second for her daughter after holding out a glass and getting a nod in response.
"Do you want to see it?" Rachel asked nervously, "my dance show I mean, Dad and Daddy are coming but I could get you a ticket too if you want?"
Shelby smiled, and reached to squeeze Rachel's hand, "I'd love to see your dance show."
She knew that was the right answer when she saw Rachel's face light up. "Really?"
"Absolutely" Shelby nodded.
"I'll be sure to get you a ticket" she promised.
Shelby smiled but she could tell there was still something on Rachel's mind, "is that all you wanted to ask?" she asked softly.
Rachel bit her lip, "I erm, I have an English assignment, I, I understand what's being asked but I'm not entirely sure how to go about answering it. You don't have to, but I wondered if you'd maybe give me a few pointers."
"Of course I will" Shelby nodded, "what's the point in having an English teacher for a Mom if you can't take advantage of that now and again" she winked. She didn't know if it was the yoga, the nap or the lingering effects of the valium she'd taken, but Shelby felt a lot better than she had in a while, and if she could make the most of that by spending time with her daughter then that's what she was going to do.
Rachel couldn't help but smile, her Mom seemed to be in a much better mood than she had been recently, and although Rachel knew it wouldn't last forever, she was happy to see her Mom not looking like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.
Shelby excused herself to go outside for a cigarette, and when she returned she found Rachel sheepishly stood by the table where two plates of salad were waiting, "I erm, I probably should have asked" she said nervously, "but I made you lunch."
"It looks lovely" Shelby smiled as she washed her hands, "thank you." She didn't have much of an appetite right now but she'd try and eat the salad, for Rachel's sake she'd try.
Once she'd eaten as much as she could manage, Rachel got out her homework, Shelby trying to treat Rachel like she would any other student, explaining things but encouraging her to think for herself and work out the answers on her own, giving her a few pointers and telling her the sort of thing she'd be looking for if she was marking this particular assignment.
By the time Shelby had to leave for her appointment, Rachel had managed to get her head around what was being asked from her and, with Shelby's help, she'd written out a detailed essay plan and Rachel was feeling more confident, "could you read through it when I've finished? Before I hand it in?" Rachel asked as Shelby stood to leave.
Shelby gently squeezed Rachel's shoulder and kissed her hair, "of course, I'll always look through your essays before you hand them in if you want me to, even if it isn't an English essay, I can check your spelling and your grammar and things, you only have to ask."
"Thank you" Rachel gathered up her things so she could go and start working on her essay in her bedroom, "I'll see you later?"
Shelby heard the uncertainty in Rachel's voice. "You will" she nodded, "I don't know when, but I promise you I will be back later."
She said her goodbyes to Rachel and let both Hiram and Leroy know she was leaving, reassuring Hiram she was fine to drive, before pulling on boots and her leather jacket and heading out to her car.
It was almost 6pm when Shelby walked back through the front door of the house that was beginning to feel like home. She'd taken a moment to smoke a cigarette on the front porch to give herself time to gather her thoughts before heading inside.
"Hey" she found Leroy in the kitchen, "I erm, I thought I'd let you know I'm back."
"Okay" Leroy smiled, "everything okay?" he asked, "can I get you a drink or anything?"
"Some juice would be nice" she nodded, "and I'm okay. Is, is Rachel okay? I know she was..." she shrugged, not sure how to explain how their daughter had been before she left.
"She was worried about you" Leroy said as he handed Shelby a glass, "she said you were vague about where you went, I think she was worried you wouldnt come back."
He didn't say as much but Shelby knew what he meant, 'Rachel was worried you were going to hurt yourself.' "I'm sorry" she sighed.
"You don't need to apologise" Leroy said quickly, "I just wanted to give you a heads up in case she's a bit clingy later."
"I'm still sorry" Shelby ran her index finger around the rim of the glass, "she was happy, you were all happy and then I turned up and… I'm meant to be the one worrying about her, not her about me."
"She's your daughter" Leroy stated simply, "she's your daughter and she loves you, she worries about Hiram when his mood drops too."
"I don't want her to worry about me though, if I go out without her."
"Then keep coming back" Leroy shrugged, "it's silly but that might be what it takes, you telling Rachel that you'll be back and then coming back, let her know that you're serious about this, that you're not going to disappear."
Shelby nodded, "there are some things I don't want her knowing about though."
"You don't have to give her the details, just let her know you're coming back, maybe send her a text when you're on your way home. Just until she gets her head around the idea and settles down a little."
Shelby nodded, "I usually do. But I do it as I'm leaving work, I wasn't at work so it didn't occur to me to text her. I just wish she didn't worry about me."
"We all worry about you Shelby. We just want you to be okay."
"I know" she whispered. "And I'm so grateful for everything all three of you have done for me."
"You don't need to thank us. You're family Shelby. We just want to help."
Shelby nodded, resisting the urge to thank the man again, "I erm, I might go and see Rachel, let her know I'm back."
"Okay" Leroy smiled, "if she starts asking questions you don't want to answer, tell her that, tell her there are some things you're not comfortable sharing with her, she'll understand." Shelby nodded again, feeling slightly reassured by his words, not wanting to offend Rachel by keeping things from her, but at the same time, not wanting to discuss certain things with her daughter. "But just so you know" Leroy told Shelby, "if you do want to talk about anything, Hiram and I won't share anything with Rachel without your permission."
"I erm… I'd appreciate that" Shelby nodded, feeling like she needed to decompress a little, "maybe later? I'll go and talk to Rachel and I feel like I need to shower too, but later?" she asked, hoping he'd allow her to talk about what was on her mind.
"Whenever you're ready" Leroy nodded, "We'll be watching TV when you want us. And if you want one of us to leave, if you don't want to talk to us both, then that's fine."
Shelby nodded, "I appreciate that, thank you" she said as she picked up her juice and went upstairs to speak to her daughter.
"Mom" Rachel smiled after Shelby knocked on her open door, "you're back."
Shelby nodded and smiled, "I said I would be."
"Are you… are you okay?"
Shelby nodded, "can I…" she gestured into the room, stepping inside when Rachel nodded. "I'm okay" she sat in Rachel's desk chair, putting her juice down on the desk before moving the chair closer to the bed, "I'm fine" she said sincerely, "I just had an appointment to go to, it's nothing to worry about, it was just a check up."
Rachel nodded, "I'm sorry, I just…"
"You worry about me, I understand" Shelby smiled, "now, I want to have a shower and I need to talk to your Dads, but how about we watch a movie or something after that?" she suggested, wondering if spending time with her daughter would help settle the teen's mind.
"In your bed?" Rachel asked hopefully.
"Sure" Shelby smiled, "why don't you get ready for bed and I'll bring us a hot chocolate up when I've spoken to your Dads."
"With vegan marshmallows?"
Shelby smiled, "of course" she nodded. Reaching out to squeeze Rachel's hand before heading to the guest bathroom to shower.