Authors note: Get ready,… things are heating up. But there is no guidebook on how to help your loved one recover his memories and sense of self. Steve is trying his best…

Bucky rarely left Steve's side over the next week as Bruce carefully monitored the healing tissue and nerve growth of Bucky's amputated arm, allowing the Sergeant to return to the private bedrooms within the medical suite the next day after his operation. Bucky was off balanced without the heavy metal arm and Steve held on to him as they walked, forcing a smile every time Bucky glanced up at him with an uneasy look or frustrated pout. The recovering POW seemed to be more apprehensive and suspicious of the medical staff, reaching for his Steve's hand anytime one of the Doctors including Bruce examined his stub shoulder, sitting ridged with short shallow breaths as he kept his eyes on the ground. It was obvious that without the arm Bucky felt more vulnerable and anxious, the progress made over the past few weeks regarding his socialization with the other residence in the tower regressing significantly as he seemed to become even more attached to his Steve.

The Captain tried his best to still encourage his friend's growth toward independence and self-sufficiency but could not say no when at night time Bucky automatically followed him into his bedroom. After doing a thorough surveillance sweep of the room including closets, draws, mattress, pillows and blankets, Bucky would then give a nod of affirmation that the area was safe and would wait for Steve to crawl into the covers before joining the Captain in his bed. Steve had reservations about allowing this pattern to continue as he was worried that Bucky still had difficulty understanding consent and self-agency and so he maintained a few feet distance between them, only reaching out when the other man was caught up in a nightmare. Bucky would wake up with a harsh gasp, blinking frantically before looking down at his shoulder and shuddering. He would swallow down his anguish most nights before tucking himself into Steve's embrace quietly shaking.

However, on the third night he woke coughing and chocking from holding his breath, yelling Heit over and over as he fell out of the bed landing hard on his healing amputation. Bucky cried out in pain and lashed out violently when Steve tried to help him, kicking him hard enough to crack two ribs. The Captain talked him down from across the room where he sat against the wall, legs open and left hand holding his right side. When Bucky finally recognized who Steve was and where they were he instantly crawled over to his Steve with silent sobs racking through him. Bucky kept his head bowed, hair a mess as he sat on his knees between Steve's legs. Very slowly he reached out and placed his hand over Steve's own that held his fractured ribs.

"It's okay Bucky,… I'm okay pal!" Steve promised as he used his other hand to stroke Bucky's hair out of his face that was wet with tears as his eyes begged for forgiveness but also relief from the burning fear of his most recent nightmare that left him shaking hard. The Captain coxed his friend closer, pulling him in and Bucky slowly and cautiously moved into Steve's lap, straddling his friend as he buried his face in Steve's neck. The Captain had dreams he tried to suppress of Bucky crawling into his lap for a very different reason and the thought made him blush and bang his head against the wall in self-contempt. He wrapped his arms around his friend and held him tenderly as he let out his own sigh and eventually fell asleep leaning against the wall stroking his Bucky's hair as he hummed the same Irish lullaby they knew from childhood.

The nighttime ritual felt almost normal after so many weeks of frequent nightmares that had often resulted in Bucky ending up in Steve's bed even with the psychiatric sleeping medication. However, Steve had been taking a less active roll in Bucky's showers and had begun withdrawing from the bathroom to just outside the door in order to promote his friend's understanding of personal space and privacy. Now with only one arm, Bucky held on to Steve's hand as he entered the shower with a look that begged for his Steve to join him. At first the Captain had attempted to refuse and the look of disappointment and uncertainty that he was given was enough for him to change his mind, stripping down to his boxers as he stood under the large hot spray and helped Bucky wash himself and his long hair that was now down to his shoulders. Bucky had looked at Steve standing in his boxer briefs and then down to his own naked body with a perplexed expression but did not say anything about it until the fifth day when he timidly spoke after Steve had helped dry him off and they were both fully dressed.

"Why do you not shower naked Steve?" Bucky asked with his confused and hesitant tone. Steve looked up from the laundry hamper where he just placed their towels and paused with a deep breath before running his hands through his hair and sighing, eyes searching the room for a way to explain himself. When he looked back up he could see Bucky had grown still, eyes tracking his Steve and body frozen as he waited for the reply. Steve offered a small smile and took a few steps forward before placing his hand on Bucky's shoulder.

"When I shower alone Bucky, I don't ware anything,… But when you asked me to join you,… I thought,… I just,… didn't want you to feel scared." Bucky tilted his head in confusion, a frown growing on his face.

"Scared, an expression of fear,… why would I be fearful of your naked body Steve?" Bucky blinked once as he looked off to the side, eyes growing distant as a memory played before his eyes, wincing from the slight spike of pain that fired in his healing mind. He looked back at Steve who watched him still trying to cover up his awkward nervousness as a blush grew on his neck. Bucky's lips curved slightly, and his confused expression was replaced with a sly smile before he took a few steps closer to Steve and spoke in a quiet, secretive voice.

"Hey Stevie, I'll show you mine if you show me yours…?" Bucky whispered with a nervous breath and sounded just like he did all those many years ago when they were just two boys going through puberty and learning about their bodies despite Catholic school's best efforts.

Steve let out a stuttered breath, caught off guard by his friend's words and his blush grew more as he wiped his mouth. Bucky studied Steve and his smile wilted before he took a step back and looked down, body tensing again and still. Steve let out another slightly bewildered sigh and shook his head as he slowly approached his friend and kept his hands up and outstretched.

"You did nothing wrong,… you said nothing wrong,… your just remembering, right?" Steve asked with a small, sincere smile on his lips as Bucky looked up and nodded before stepping forward and tentatively closing distance until Steve placed hands on both his shoulders.

"Can you tell me what you remember Bucky,… About you,… and me,…About us?" Steve swallowed down his own nervousness and searched his friend's uncertain and apprehensive expression. Bucky looked away and blinked a few times, a nervous habit that was all his own. He licked his lips and let out a breath before he turned his beautiful baby blue eyes back at his Steve, locking eyes before drifting down to his lips. As if transfixed, Bucky brought his fingertips up and very delicately touched The Captain's lips, tracing them gently as Steve held his breath. Bucky then brought his fingertips back to his own lips and did the same, eyes once more locking with the Captain. Steve started breathing again, before he let go of Bucky's shoulders and ran his hand through his own hair, his own nervous habit on full display. Bucky smiled at the sudden familiarity of Steve's awkward expression as a thousand images were suddenly brought to mind, snap shots of Steve before he was the Captain.

Despite the scattered pain of his cluster headache from remembering, Bucky felt a sense of peace with how natural it felt to fuss over Steve and provide reassurance.

"Awww, Stevie,… don't mess up yer hair right when I finally got it styled for ya." Bucky chided as he reached up and fixed Steve's hair, running his finger through it as if he had palm aid and they were preparing for a double date. Steve let out a huffed laugh of bewilderment and shook his head before hugging Bucky to him and kissing his temple.

"We're doing good Bucky,…whatever you need me to do,… anything Bucky,….. I would do anything for you!" Steve whispered, breath hot on his neck and in his ear. Bucky let out a shuddered breath as a heat wave of desire rippled through him and he pressed himself against Steve as tightly as he could and had to keep himself from rubbing his thickening shaft against Steve's own stiffening member. Neither said a word about the other one's arousal, just like they never did.

…

It was a little over a full week since the operation that removed the Hydra limb and the Soldier sat ridged on the exam table, hand gripping Steve's, as the Captain rest his other hand palm flat on Bucky's back as his bare chest took even and measured breaths, the practiced calm of compliance. Bruce was carefully unwrapping the gauze from Bucky's shoulder as he studied his patients flat affect and dead eyed stare at a spot on the ground. The Doctor sighed then looked up at Steve who also watched Bucky with a disheartened expression. They shared a look of mutual understanding and then Bruce removed the remaining gauze exposing the freshly healed amputation wound, skin scared but no longer red and inflamed from infection.

"How does this feel Sergeant Barnes?" Bruce asked gently as his gloved fingers carefully examined the nub of healed flesh.

"The sensation of your prob is registering, Nervous system is responding accurately to the applied stimuli, Sir" The Soldier responded with a flat, even tone. Steve swallowed and looked up at Bruce who nodded and stepped around to face his patient removing his gloves before speaking calmly to the Asset.

"Bucky,… look at me please." Bruce stated with as much authority as he could muster, attempting to use some of Sam's suggestions on how the team could help disrupt Hydra's programming and let Bucky break free through his conditioned compliance.

Slowly The Winter Soldier rose his eyes up to meet the Doctor who ordered his visual compliance.

"When do you want us to put on your new arm?" Banner asked gently as he saw the slight frown grow on his patient's face, confusion growing as he contemplated the Doctors question.

"Sir?" The Asset asked with a hesitant voice, low and cautious.

"Bucky,… It's your choice,… You make the decision whenever you are ready for us to attach your new prosthetic arm." Banner explained and the Soldier blinked as he pouted in confusion and looked over at his Steve for assistance as to what the acceptable response should be.

"Stark has the new arm built Bucky,… and if you are ready,… then Bruce will give you a sedative and let you go to sleep and when you wake up, you will have a new arm." Steve offered with a nod and soft smile.

"I… I…" The Soldier swallowed and blinked as shook his head for a moment and then his shoulders settled and he let out a breath, eyes refocusing on his Steve.

"I want to see it." Bucky stated almost defiantly, with a determined look in his eyes that Steve recognized and brought a fond smile to his own unsure expression.

"Of course,… We can take a look at it whenever you want Bucky… Stark is in his lab right now if you're ready?" Steve asked with an encouraging nod. Bucky nodded slowly but then began shaking his head instead as he looked away in thought.

"No, I want to take a hot shower first,… And eat blue berry pancakes,… with vanilla ice cream, extra cinnamon sugar." Bucky then began nodding again and his gaze traveled back up to Steve who was grinning wide with laughter in his eyes.

"You want a New Day stack of flap jacks?" Steve asked with humor as Bruce gave him an inquisitive look.

"It's a new dawn for a new day Stevie Boy… A new arm is just as much reason to celebrate as New Years!" Bucky offer a sly smile and had for a moment a spark of his old charisma before he ducked his head and his smile turned shy.

"Your right Bucky!" Steve agreed with a fond smile as he stroked his friend's hair and then turned toward Bruce. "Every New year's eve growing up we would spend the night at Bucky's apartment, see the fireworks, then have fruit flap jacks in the morning with vanilla ice cream and cinnamon sugar. Bucky's ma called it New Day Flap Jacks because each day was a new chance to be a better person and New Years Eve was a celebration of making the most of each New Day." Steve shrugged as Bruce smiled and nodded.

"Each year a different family member got to chose what type of fruit we ate... I always wanted Apple,…." Steve offered and Bucky looked up suddenly with excitement at his new memories.

"And Katie always wanted Strawberry,… My pops wanted,… Bananas,… Ma wanted Blueblue berry,…" Bucky's smile was beaming brighter than it had since first arriving at the Avenger's tower almost three months ago. "Just like me!" Bucky looked up at Steve as the Captain nodded and grinned back .at his friend.

"She always said she loved Blue berries and ate so many of em' when she was pregnant with you that your eyes turned blue." Steve chuckled and Bucky nodded as that additional information brought a sense of remembrance that seemed to match the colorful quilt of memories from his life before Hydra.

The former Asset felt more whole and surer of himself then he had ever imaged he could after spending a life time as a fragmented shell filled with mission assignments and orders that got erased just as soon as he even began to develop any sense of self. Bucky was grinning and looking down as he let the warmth of the memories wrap around him like a blanket.

"That sounds really tasty!... But I am more of a French toast kinda guy myself." Stark's voice filtered into the room as a screen popped up on a wall near by showing the mechanic in his lab fiddling with some technology.

"Tony were you just listening in on Doctor patient communication!" Banner gripped at the screen. Stark didn't bother looking up as he worked.

"Relax Banner I told Jarvis to patch me in whenever you were talking about the arm with Barnes and Rodgers so I would know when I need to switch from martinis to coffee." He jumped back as sparks suddenly erupted, muttering a curse as he took off his googles.

"Tony! You agreed to professional medical ethics,… I told you that was the only way I would agree to work with you on this surgical procedure." As Bruce said the words Steve saw Bucky tense up fractional at the clinical terms. Steve rubbed his friend's back as Bruce looked at Bucky and saw the slight anxiety setting in. It had been one of many recommendations from the Psychiatric medical staff to limit the technical, medical terminology spoken around Bucky to avoid triggering negative memories of past medical experimentation and treatment.

"Bucky?" Steve attempted to redirect him from his more negative thoughts. "Do you have any questions for Tony?" Steve prompted and Bucky looked down for a moment and then back up at Stark's open expression on the screen.

"Dose it have a red Star on it?" He asked with a pensive expression.

"Ughhh,… nope,… You want me to tat it up with some fun designs there wild child?" Tony opened his arms as a sign of invitation and Bucky shook his head before speaking in a strong, deceive tone.

"No Sir,… just one design." Bucky looked back up at Steve with a serious, intense expression. "Captain Rodger's shield,….. I am his Bucky!" Steve smiled and stroked Bucky's hair before kissing the top of his head. Stark rolled his eyes and made some jokes about Grandpa romance before he told them to come by the work shop for 2:30 pm. He then requested Jarvis alert the kitchen staff to make a stack of Blueberry pancakes with vanilla ice cream and cinnamon sugar for each and every employee and resident currently in the tower with the instructions to have the plates delivered to their exact locations. Jarvis informed him that Mr. Wilson was in the pool, Ms. Romenof was in the gym and Mr. Barton was in the shooting range. In response Tony gave a thumbs up and Jarvis made the arrangements as Steve and Banner shared humorous shrugs before Steve again looked down at Bucky who was gazing up at him with complete devotion and trust, flesh hand folding fast to his Steve.

….

Bucky was completely naked, standing just outside the large multiple spray shower, eyes locked with Steve who stood a few feet away in his boxer briefs. There was a stretch of silence, a moment of uncertainty and anticipation as the Captain internally wrestled with what he should or should not do and how it might affect Bucky's recovery. After another moment of deliberation, Steve removed his underwear and then stood up strait, remaining 6 feet away from Bucky, letting his friend decide what would happen next. Bucky's eyes traveled over Steve's body, down below his waist and Steve fought the urge to cover himself up, wondering if this exposed feeling was how Bucky had felt over the past few months whenever he was naked and Steve wore clothes. As if sensing his discomfort Bucky looked back up at Steve and offered him a soft smile and then extended his hand, an invitation for Steve to move closer. With a nervous breath and a nod, The Captain took a few steps forward until he was close enough for Bucky's hand to rest on his shoulder.

"It's okay Stevie,… I won't hurt you." Bucky promised with an earnest expression and Steve huffed a small laugh and nodded as he followed Bucky into the warm shower. As they stood under the spray Steve got the washcloth and soap, trying to remind himself that this was just another step in the right direction and he didn't need to overthink anything. Before he could begin washing Bucky's chest, his friend gently reached up and took the soapy cloth and with silent communication and a steady nod he began washing Steve instead, his eyes tracking the movements of his hand as he ran the wash cloth along Steve's broad shoulders and over his pectoral muscles. Steve stood still as a statue with bated breath, an onslaught of conflicting emotions battling for his attention but his focus was on Bucky, watching his face, making sure there were no signs of distress or unwanted memories triggered.

Bucky continued to wash his Steve feeling the heat wave of lust building in his groin and when he brought the cloth lower he could see that both their bodies were responding to arousal. Bucky used the cloth to wash Steve's stiffening erection and heard a sharp gasp from the other man, drawing his attention up to the Captain's wide blue eyes that looked shocked, but not afraid. Bucky took a step closer and whispered to Steve as his hand continued to stroke him with the washcloth.

"I've had dreams about this,… after you gave me a bath… Your hands felt so good Steve,… I can make you feel good too." Bucky stepped forward and almost shyly he brought his lips up to Steve's check, and gave the softest kiss before timidly meeting his eyes to see if his action was acceptable. Steve swallowed and offered a nervous smile as he brought his hands up to stroked through Bucky's long wet hair.

"Whatever you want from me Bucky,… I'm yours!" Steve promised and with a slow and carful movement he brought his lips to his friends mouth and gave him a soft, compassionate kiss. Bucky's heart stopped and his conscious thoughts froze before suddenly racing full force, a thousand images flashing through his mind's eye. The sensation was everything he had needed and forgotten, triggering a burst of memories and feelings that exploded within his head like fireworks. Steve had to steady him as Bucky's knees buckled and he sunk to the shower floor with a gasp, hand gripping his hair.

"Bucky?" Steve asked in concern as he crouched down in the shower lowering his friend who was shaking and blinking rapidly, blue eyes large and on the ground as his breath became rapid.

"Buck,… It's okay,…" Steve felt a surge of panic as he sat down in the shower with Bucky gasping on his knees, hair clutched tight in his hand and body shaking with tremors.

"Bucky…" Steve's voice was a plea as his own anxiety and fear that he may trigger memories of abuse and pushed his friend too far too fast cramped his gut with guilt. But just as Steve was about to stand up and turn off the water, Bucky released the grip on his hair as he reached out to grab Steve's shoulder, pulling himself toward the blond man as he let out a broken sob, curling in toward his strong and sturdy embrace.

"I remember,… I remember us…" Bucky looked up at Steve with large wet eyes that held amazement and desperate need, hungry and intense but not afraid. Steve was awestruck and used both hands to cradle Bucky's face as he sighed in relief and grinned at his friend's open expression.

"You and me Bucky,… Its always been you and me pal." Steve felt his own heart hammering in his chest as Bucky leaned forward with intent and brought his lips back up to Steve's, kissing him with passion as he let his body do what felt natural, mind racing with a slide show of his life, of a secret love he knew without any doubt and felt more sure of then anything he had learned about since breaking free from Hydra. Steve held on and kissed him back, tears escaping from his own closed eyes as he clung to the man in his arms, his own conflicted thoughts and uncertainty shoved aside as he focused on the here and now, on the taste of Bucky's mouth and the needy whimpers he was uttering as he pressed himself against Steve's body, shaking with adrenalin and dizzy with desire. Everything was so much, too much and when Bucky pulled away he let out another sob and dropped his forehead on Steve's chest as he cried, the Captain holding him protectively as he whispered reassurances and comfort. They stayed huddled together under the warm spray until Jarvis informed them that their New Day Flapjacks were ready to be served.

….

Bucky had been quiet and distracted as Steve dried him and helped him dress, asking him questions and getting only vage nods or shrugs with minimal eye contact. As they sat and ate breakfast together Bucky looked young and innocent, closing his eyes with each bite and making a face that almost looked like pain. Steve watched him with concern until finally he stood up from his side of the table and came over to Bucky, kneeling by his chair and taking his hand, waiting for Bucky to meet his gaze with his large blue eyes that held back a storm of emotions.

"Bucky,… What's wrong?... What are you thinking?" Steve pleaded as he searched his friend's conflicted expression. Bucky opened his mouth but then shook his head and looked away, closing his eyes as he took a steading breath.

"There's so much Steve,… I don't know how,… I… I can't." Bucky whispered as he shook his head, eyes turning back toward the pancakes as he let out a shuddered breath.

"What can't you do Bucky?... Let me help?" Steve asked and as an answer Bucky took back his hand from Steve's grasp and cradled the side of his Steve's face, offering a small, smile.

"Steve,… you are helping me,… it's just,…all these memories,… I finally,…. I finally feel,….." Bucky looked away as he struggled with his words. He turned back to Steve and lowered his head until his forehead was resting on top of Steve's head, something he had done in the past when Steve was shorter then him but was offering strength and support. Steve brought his hands up and stroked through Bucky's hair as they shared the same air, letting Bucky take his time and keeping his own mouth shut. The past two hours had been a roller costar of emotions for both of them and he was afraid that he had let things go too far in the shower but he was trying to let Bucky express his own thoughts instead of assuming what he needed.

"It's like I am just starting to understand,… who,….who I am and what,… what has happened,… what they did to me,… " He pulled back, blue eyes full of emotions but no longer lost or confused, just overwhelmed. "I know you Steve,…. But I am still figuring out me,… and I don't understand everything about…." He swallowed and looked away before meeting Steve's honest and patient expression, his lips curving into a small sad smile as he stroked Steve's face again. "I remember,… I remember a lot of things about us from before the war and,… During it,… But I'm not sure I understand it,…" He sighed and Steve swallowed down his own silent dread that he had coerced his friend into intimacy before he was ready. Steve shifted back slightly and looked away as a sense of panic gipped his heart and guilt turned in his stomach. Bucky watched him for a moment and then quickly shook his head and leaned down again, offering a kiss on Steve's hair line, the same way the Captain had been doing each time he felt the impulse to comfort and sooth the Soldier's suffering.

"Please,… Please don't pull away now,…" Bucky pleaded, his hand reaching out to grab Steve's bicep as he let out a humorless huff and gestured at the pancakes with his head. "It's just like these New Day Flap jacks,… they are so good,… it brings back so many memories,…just like,… When you kissed me." He whispered the words and smiled as he brought his hand up again to stroked along Steve's jaw line, thumb tracing over Steve's lips as the Captain kept his focus on Bucky, watching him intently. "I want it,… God Steve,… They have me so messed up… I didn't even remember what it was to want until you brought me here,… it's just,… It's a lot and,… I... I am trying Punk,… I want to be me again Stevie,…" Bucky was shaking his head as he brought his hand up to rub his eyes. " I'm sorry Steve,… it's just so damn exhausting,…trying to figure out how to feel and think and act,… As the Soldier all I had to do was comply and follow orders." Bucky huffed again and turned toward his Steve with a look of wary determination. "I will be good for you Steve,… I want to be good for you,… I want to deserve your love."

It was Steve's turn to shake his head and he stood up on his feet and pulled Bucky up out of his chair with him. Steve placed a hand on each side of Bucky's face and Bucky again grabbed Steve's bi-cep, eyes heavy as he met the Captain's eyes with a gaze that looked more tired than he had since the surgery to remove the broken arm over a week ago.

"You deserve everything Bucky… You are so good,… always have been… And I have always loved you,… but we never talked about it,… I never said it out loud… You are my best friend James Buchannan Barnes,... and I am so proud of how hard you are trying to recover,… but even if you don't remember or understand,… I promise I will never pull away,… I will be with you no matter what…. But you gotta promise me something Buck….." Steve searched Bucky's tired eyes, aware how exhausting it was when his mind was triggered into remembering a mass amount of memories.

"Anything Steve." Bucky agreed, already shifting his wait as the last of his adrenaline from the shower seemed to be completely drained.

"If you ever get confused or something feels bad, or scary, or you don't understand,…if,… if you need space or I am touching you and you want me to stop…" Steve swallowed and Bucky smiled sleepily at him.

"I promise Steve,….I promise I will always come to you,…if you'll have me…." Bucky added sheepishly and Steve pulled him into a desperate hug, and kissed him on his temple and cheek before leading him back into the private bedrooms for a late morning nap, recognizing that even if Bucky was more himself then he had been all the months since Hydra, he might still wake up in a few hours and function as the Winter Soldier, complying with his Handler. Steve knew this and knew that no matter what he would be there to help his friend remember who he was and why he needed to break free from Hydra's control.

End Notes: Soooo…. What do ya think?... Bucky is finally remembering himself and his relationship with Steve but it is more then he knows what to do with. And Steve,… he is a mess of wanting to do what's right but also wanting to be with the man he loves. Nothing is simple and it's about to get more complex.