Greetings all!

So, yes, it is now 2020. Hello again. Years ago, I posted that I would be rewriting this story and posting it to another profile. As my life is now and how I feel about this story I do not think that will ever happen.

When I started this story I was very young and had big plans for it. It's a story that is very important to me and has always held a special place in my heart for being one of my first big projects. However, the subject matter and the way it is portrayed is not how I would do things now. With that in mind, I don't see myself ever truly finishing this story or even rewriting it.

BUT: I still TO THIS DAY (which is very surprising to me) receive comments and favorites. That has always been pushing me to at least post SOMETHING. A final goodbye for one of my abandoned projects that is still dear to me. So. Long ago I wrote an outline for how I was going to finish this story, I will post it here so you may read how it was meant to end if you wish.

With that being said, thank you all so very much (especially if you're reading now after all these years) for sticking with me and for the support you gave me back then. Any favorite or review or any engagement you have ever given me on this story has filled my heart with joy and will continue to for years to come.

~~~~~~~~~~~ Monster, how should I feel? ~~~~~~~~~~~

TW: self harm, suicide, and underage ( I would just like to say that when I wrote this story I was underage and not very bright ((around 12/13)) so the mikado/izaya stuff is something I would never write now but for the sake of ending this completely I will stick to what my original plans were).

Izaya keeps Mikado with him for as long as he can, knowing it's wrong and unhealthy but in his twisted state he just wants to have power over something or someone (also, he wants to make Shizuo jealous/enrage him even more)

Celty eventually sees Mikado and Izaya out in public together and informs Shinra of the strange situation.

Shinra is concerned and tells Shizuo of what he saw, filled with rage and wondering why Izaya is making this poor boy suffer he tracks him down.

They fight, brutal and bloody as always.

By the end of it Izaya is left injured and unconscious (Shizuo with his own injuries, Izaya has always been good with a knife)

Mikado takes this opportunity to leave and goes home, vowing to never get near either Izaya Orihara or Shizuo Heiwajima again.

Realizing what he's done, Shizuo panics and rushes Izaya to Shinra's (so cliche ugh)

Shinra patches them up but Shizuo goes home, leaving Izaya to Shinra's care.

Something Izaya said to Shizuo during the fight is concerning and it keeps Shizuo up that night.

"Just like it should be…." He'd whispered, a blood-stained hand running through Shizuo's bleached locks before he slipped into darkness.

A few days later Shizuo is still struggling with his thoughts of Izaya, knowing he should get over him and he's not the same man he once knew.

But where did it all go wrong?

He agonizes and reminisces over past times with Izaya, wishing things could be how they used to be. Why did Izaya leave? Why did they hate each other so MUCH? Why couldn't they just have been happy together?

Unable to quiet his mind, against his better judgment Shizuo goes to see Izaya and demand answers once and for all.

Upon arriving he finds the door unlocked, but Izaya is not answering.

Angry, he barges in and finds Izaya laying unconscious once again by his desk, in front of the window, blood rapidly pooling beneath him.

Panicking, Shizuo runs to him and takes him in his arms to try and stop the bleeding.

Izaya wakes up momentarily, his sleeves pulled up his arms and two gaping cuts gushing blood from both wrists.

He looks up to see Shizuo and in his dazed state he begins to confess.

Shizuo is crying, of course.

Izaya is not completely coherent and also thinks these are his final moments, he's happy to spend the with Shizuo despite everything.

Izaya admits that he purposely pushed Shizuo away, thinking that loving him would corrupt Shizuo.

He left that night and turned to antagonizing him rather than loving him as to keep pushing him farther and farther away,

But Shizuo never really let go, instead of just dropping Izaya like he should have it turned into an almost eternal game of cat and mouse.

Izaya decided that in the end it was better for Shizuo to hate him if he didn't just leave and selfishly he liked having Shizuo there.

He admits he always secretly wished that Shizuo would kill him.

Izaya says he loves Shizuo and always has, but he's glad he can finally set the thing he loves the most free.

They share a blood soaked kiss.

Shizuo calls an ambulance, no time to get him to Shinra's.

Izaya is taken to the hospital and is saved.

Knowing that Izaya is still alive, Shizuo takes some time alone to process things while Izaya recovers.

Deciding he still wants Izaya and always has, he goes to visit him in the hospital .

CUE PROLOGUE CHAPTER (THE ENDING BASICALLY LMAO) (I'll insert iT here so u don't have to scroll back)

It wasn't his fault, no he didn't ask for any of this, his arms didn't wish to be cut, his head didn't wish to be bruised, his ankles didn't wish to have nasty burns on them, his heart didn't wish to be broken, and his wrists hadn't meant to be slashed.

But, it happened, fate was a cruel bastard.

Izaya lay peacefully and almost frighteningly still, his breathing slow, each breath taken in and out to match the beeping heart rate on the monitor attached to him. Bandages wrapped on each of his wrists, the cut on his forehead bandaged up as well.

He didn't deserve this.

I swallowed my regret and walked inside the room, my heart rate quickening with each step.

Rose in hand, I strolled over to the still bed and rested the rose on the table beside his bed, taking a seat in the chair next to him I looked him over.

Sadness rose in my heart, he looked so broken, so fragile.

My heart leaped when Izaya's empty eyes slowly blinked open.

His head turned slowly, he looked up at me, his stare blank and confused, his lips parted as if he were about to say something.

I leaned forward, eager to catch whatever it was he was about to say. He took in a breath and then scrunched his face up in pain, his teeth gritting together as tiny waterfalls fell down his pale cheeks.

"S-shizu-chan..." he whispered.

I leaned forward even farther and pressed my lips to his cheek, trying to kiss away those awful tears.

Izaya's body wracked with painful sobs as I wrapped my arms around his frail body, he leaned into me, his scarred arms coming up to wrap around my neck possessively.

After crying for a few minuets, his breathing slowed and I assumed he's fallen asleep, but when I tried to lay him down he grabbed me firmly, keeping me in his grasp, his arms almost choking him in the desperate hug.

Izaya had a terrible fear of abandonment.

He calmed down a little bit and buried his fingers in my hair affectionately, I sat there softly rubbing his back, trying to relax him.

Izaya nuzzled his nose into my neck and then he spoke.

His voice was hushed, almost like a whisper.

"Monster..." he whispered, "How should I feel?"

I pulled away and looked into his eyes, wishing desperately I could put some light back into those beautiful red orbs.

I smiled at his lost face softly and pressed him against me.

"Loved."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~END~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS. Hope this satisfied you all. If you'd like to keep in touch I'm over at AO3 as nyadere as well as on twitter as s1thfucker

I'm still not super active with my fics but I do still write. SO! Thank you all once again, and for the sake of nostalgia I'll end this in pure 2010-2013 fashion

~~ Read, review & enjoy! NO FLAMEZ… PLZ REVIEW … LOLZ XD ~~