Chapter 19: Zelda's Resentment
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The Captain's words hung heavy in Link's mind for several days following his submission of the report. He doubled his efforts to protect the Princess, performing a thorough security check of her room each night before she went to bed and staying outside of her door all through the night. He decreased the amount of sleep he took to one hour, and that, too, was spent right outside her door, slumped against the wall while another knight stood watch.
Before this last journey with the Princess, he had used the several hours given to himself at the castle to train or look after Choice. Now, he spent that time wherever the Princess happened to be - the library, her study, the observation room, the dining hall… always either standing by the door or at her side or a respectful several paces behind her, depending on the circumstance.
That left him with no time during the day to practice, so he trained instead at night - as silently as he could - in the hall outside of the Princess' room.
And Choice…
She would be upset with him the next time the Princess was able to leave the castle; he only hoped she would forgive him.
Loneliness was a constant companion, closing around him like the cold walls of a cramped little box, making him feel isolated and invisible. He could tell that the Princess felt very much the same, from the stiff set of her shoulders, the crease in her brow, and the way that the polite smile she offered to those she encountered never reached her mournful green eyes.
He had begun to lose hope of ever becoming her friend. With the threat of losing everything he had ever worked for and being left with nothing but the Master Sword, Link felt he had no choice but to follow her everywhere and take every precaution in regard to her safety. And it was apparent to him that she hated every second of it.
"Must you be so silent?" she demanded frustratedly as she sketched a detailed diagram of a guardian in a notebook. "It's unnatural."
"I'm sorry, Princess."
And when she tended to the little garden in her study, "Move over, won't you? You're blocking the sun from the hydrangeas. And you're stepping on the phlox I just planted - get off!"
"I'm sorry, Princess." He knew practically nothing about gardening, let alone that one could actually plant something between cracked stones high in a tower.
Working through a tall stack of books on ancient Sheikah history that she'd all but smuggled from the library, her eyes narrowed to dangerous slits. "Face the door, why don't you? That's where an enemy would come in if there was one, isn't that right?"
"Of course, Princess."
He understood her irritation - really, he did. At least, he hoped he did. Having someone constantly watching him, never allowing him a single moment to himself, would probably be unbearably uncomfortable. Couple that with the fact that he wasn't exactly the most well-liked person in the kingdom, and the result was probably something akin to torture.
More than ever he wanted to actually talk to her, to explain why he felt he had to watch over her so closely. That fighting was, quite literally, the only thing he could do, that if he failed, he would have nowhere to go. That his life as a knight could be over with any more mistakes. It's not that I don't trust you, it's not that I want to annoy you, it's just that…
I have nothing else.
It wasn't uncommon, especially after the Princess rebuked him, for him to feel powerfully ashamed and guilty. After all, he was doing this all for himself, wasn't he? Yes, the Princess was protected, but… was it really her safety that was his priority?
Or was it not failing that was his goal?
I'm doing this, trying not to mess up, so that I can continue to be a knight. Because it's all I've ever known, it's all I can do, and I'm afraid of having nothing.
And yet there was always that part of him that longed to grow closer to his charge, to hold her and comfort her, share her burdens, her nightmares…
But it was forbidden, and disobedience now would cost him everything. I'm sorry, Princess. I have to choose this.
People hated him. Other knights jeered at him, taunted him, sometimes even threw rubbish at him. Civilians shrank away from him, unsettled by his skill and by the sacred blade on his back - a blade that assured them of Calamity Ganon's eventual return. He was a symbol of doom.
If worse came to worst, and his title was stripped from him, he couldn't count on anyone to take him in. By that point the King wouldn't approve of him any more than horse dung, and so he couldn't count on finding some other job at the castle.
He had no home, no parents, no relatives that he knew of. He had been discovered in the wilderness at age three by Captain Janin, armed with a lizalfos' jagged boomerang, scraped up and filthy, his torn clothes stained with monster blood. The Captain had witnessed the last moments of his fight with the beasts that killed his parents and immediately took him to the castle to begin his training.
He had been around Zora's Domain often as a child. Captain Janin, to test his skills, ordered him to teach several young Zora warriors the way of combat, including Mipha. But now, of course, he wanted nothing more than to stay far away from Mipha. Her obsessiveness aside, if he reached the point where he was seeking shelter in Zora's Domain, it would mean that he had truly failed to protect Princess Zelda. Mipha was a princess, too - and her father was extraordinarily protective over her. Link couldn't imagine him letting such a failure of a knight into his home, into his daughter's life.
Not that I'd ever want to be a part of her life… He shuddered.
There was Daruk, who had always seemed like a friendly, welcoming person. But he lived on an active volcano; the only way for Link to survive there would be to either wear heavy protective armor every hour of every day or to slaughter large populations of fireproof lizards. Neither option seemed realistic or pleasant, especially after he had woken up in a barrel of lizard stew so recently.
Choice wasn't even his - she belonged to the army. He had raised her, trained her, bonded with her - but if he lost his title, he would have to leave her behind. Unless he wanted to become a horse thief.
I can't let it come to that.
So he exerted every ounce of himself into the protection of the Princess, and whenever she scolded him he would respond with an apology. I'm sorry, Princess - I have to do this, and it's selfish, but this is the only life I have - I can't lose it.
It was, perhaps, inevitable that everything happened the way it did.
Three weeks after Death Mountain, he was really feeling the consequences of so little sleep. He had always been able to get by on three or four hours; reducing that amount of time to one was quickly sapping his energy, and there was nothing he could do to hide the bruised circles under his eyes. Remembering what had happened the last time he put the Princess' wellbeing so far above his own that it actually harmed him, he decided to spend one night with seven hours of sleep in the hope that he'd be able to go even longer without sleep in the future weeks.
His replacement for the night was Sir Calvish, a member of the Royal Guard just below Link in ranking. Confident that he had done all that he could, Link went to his small room, dusted off his little-used cot, and lay down, almost instantly falling into a deep, mercifully dreamless sleep.
He'd been so tired that he'd only managed to take one boot off, remove his Champion's tunic and gauntlets, and set the Master Sword down.
Rough hands shaking his shoulder and an angry voice shouting yanked him from his slumber as dawn broke over the castle.
"She's gone!" Captain Janin roared in his startled face, and Link tumbled painfully to the ground in surprise, tangled in his blankets.
"Wh-what?" he gasped, sitting back up quickly. "Gone? Who's gone? What -"
"The Princess," Janin growled, eyes narrowed. "When will you realize I can't protect you forever? She's gone! You left her unguarded -"
"I didn't!" Link protested, growing horror quickening his pulse. "I had Sir Calvish take over my watch before I came here - the loss of sleep was beginning to affect me, Sir, and I didn't want Death Mountain to happen all over again, so I - I…"
Janin rubbed a trembling hand over his face. "Calvish is weak," he muttered. "You should have sent for me, or someone of higher rank! Just belonging to the Royal Guard isn't good enough, especially where the Princess is involved! You know she detests your presence - of course she would try to give you the slip like this!"
Link's shoulders slumped, and to distract himself from the cold hands of despair threatening to choke him, he pulled on his tunic and remaining boot. "I - I'll go after her immediately," he promised, unable to keep a tremor from his voice. "D-do we know where she went?"
"She left a note," Janin huffed, hands on his hips. "It was addressed to you, which makes this even more of an issue for you since it implies you allowed her to leave. She said that she would be fine, and that she had headed to the Ancient Columns to study a shrine."
Link's heart plummeted to his toes. "That's… a day's ride away…"
"Then what are you waiting for?" Janin snapped. "I have no idea how long she's been out there - I only found out after Calvish found out when he let her maids in to begin preparing her attire for the day and they told him that she was missing. He also found that her horse was gone."
Link gulped and lowered his baldric over his shoulders and tightened the buckles. "I'll ride as fast as I can," he promised, surging to his feet and all but sprinting from the chamber, down the stairs and rounding a tight corner before dashing down another set of stairs leading directly outside, to the tidy stone path winding around the castle. He was alone - it was too early in the day for anyone else to be outside besides knights posted every few paces along the road or near doorways. He could feel their stares upon him as he dashed down towards the stables, his feet smacking down on the cold, hard ground, painfully conspicuous in the still late-summer morning. Fantastic. By the time we return who knows what the rumors will be?
And who knows if I'll be around long enough to hear those rumors?
The thought sent a chill down his spine and he put on an extra burst of speed, his legs a blur; he ran practically flying along the winding path, as if a herd of lynels was hot on his heels.
Breathlessly bursting into the stables he charged to Choice's stall and whipped the saddle blanket from its hook, sliding it onto his mare's back. She raised her head in surprise, her dark brown eyes wide and startled.
"I know it's been a while," Link muttered somewhat breathlessly, heaving his saddle into his arms and lifting it into place, buckling the girth strap around her belly faster than he'd ever done before. "I messed up, girl - it's pretty bad. I'm sorry I haven't been to see you as much, but if I don't do this right I'll have to leave you forever." His voice cracked, and he closed his eyes for a brief moment, willing himself to be stronger. "I can't do that, Choice. You're… you're all I have, really."
Shuddering, with a pounding heart and a dry mouth, he quickly buckled a spare bedroll to the back of the saddle along with his bag of standard wilderness supplies - kindling, flintstones, and rope, among other things. He always kept the bag ready in a cupboard in Choice's stall alongside her tack, in case the Princess decided to leave without much notice.
With his saddle and gear readied, Link snatched his bridle and pulled it over Choice's ears and gently eased the bit into her mouth. "Ready?" he murmured, stroking her neck. "We'll have to be fast."
He pushed the stall door open and pulled her out into the wide corridor before leading her as quickly as he could to the main entrance. Looping the reins briefly around the saddle horn, he pulled one of the grand double doors open and whistled; Choice trotted through obediently and he released the door to swing himself up into the saddle. "Hiyah!"
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He had never pushed Choice so hard, and so fast.
Throughout the morning, they alternated between a swift trot and a canter, tearing through the fields away from Castle Town, past the Gustaf Quarry just as it was beginning to awaken for the day, over the wide Carok bridge.
It occurred to Link as he glanced down at the waters of the Regencia River far below that there was no guarantee the Princess had even made it to the Ancient Columns in the first place. She could have fallen into the river, or down a cliff, or been attacked by assassins or bokoblins or any manner of creature or even robbers or anyone.
Please, Goddesses, no!
His heart squeezed with worry; his breath came in short, panicked bursts as sweat trickled down his spine. It was terrifying to think that if she wasn't at the Ancient Columns, she - or her body - could truly be anywhere. And he knew he wouldn't return until he found her, in one way or another.
He would have been less worried if she had a better relationship with her horse, but she - like many noblewomen, he had noticed - tended to be impatient and heavy handed with the reins, which did nothing to forge a bond of loyalty between her and her mount. If I'm not dead after the King's through with me, I'll ask about teaching her horsemanship, he decided, although he felt himself wilt a little at the thought that she probably wouldn't listen to anything he had to say, no matter how well-intended.
The morning sun, chill with the dawn of autumn, nonetheless beat down hard on the Breach of Demise, reflecting off of the pale limestone in a nearly blinding manner. Link muttered fervent apologies under his breath as he urged Choice swiftly over the dry, cracked ground, a maze of miniature canyons carved into the soil after the last rainfall. The sun had baked it nearly to stone by now; he hoped his mare's bones wouldn't be bruised from the impact. He was immensely relieved when she reached the top of the small hill leading from the canyon and the trail transitioned to softer soil.
The further he rode, worry grew stronger within his heart. He found himself losing fear for his own fate and instead praying for the Princess' wellbeing, hoping that he would not find her killed in some terrible way or wounded or frightened by some horrible event that would leave her traumatized.
He knew her better than she probably thought - it was inevitable, when he spent so much time around her. She was incredibly knowledgeable, which Link admired; he himself had studied only strategy and combat his entire life. He could read and write, of course, but not as well as she could. Her passion when it came to the history of the kingdom and the Ancient Sheikah tribe, and her seemingly unending pool of knowledge on those subjects, were incredible to behold.
He knew that she wanted nothing more than to fulfill her duty to the kingdom. He heard her weeping about it at night, and he saw it in the way that she prayed so fervently almost every second she wasn't studying. And he knew that studying the ancient world was her way of trying to be of use even without powers; she truly sought to preserve the kingdom any way possible.
And despite her hard work, she was miserable. Her father seemed only to notice her failures, not her accomplishments. The people of the kingdom doubted her just as much as they doubted Link.
At least she has friends among the Sheikah scientists. The way they laughed and joked together while working on one project or another… those were the only times Link ever saw her smile. He felt painfully envious whenever she spent time with them, wishing he could experience that sort of comradery for himself.
It really would be nice to have that sort of friendship. Especially with her.
"Young man!" A distant voice jerked him from his musings, and he raised his head to see an elderly woman up ahead by a covered wagon keeling to one side. "Young man, please - the wheel broke; I need help!"
Link winced, guilt burning as hot as Death Mountain in his soul. "Goddesses, please…" he whispered, not entirely sure what he was even praying for. He nudged Choice's sides, prompting her into a swift canter, and the two of them soon passed the little old woman.
"Wait! Please!" she cried out, the desperation in her voice tearing furrows in Link's heart. I can't.
"You - wait! Wretched hooligan - Din curse you to the fires of Demise!" the woman yelled out as distance began to muffle her words. There was more desperation than anger in her voice, and Link closed his eyes tightly, chin dipped towards his chest in shame. Goddesses, if you're listening to me, please send someone to help her before nightfall!
He shook his head slightly, disgusted with himself, wincing at the ache in his knees as he and Choice neared the Tabantha Stable. Bottom line is, I'm sworn to protect the Princess. And she has enough on her shoulders as it is without anything that could happen to her out here, without disfigurement or amputation or trauma or -
Feeling his heart rate pick up again, fear sending cold sweat dripping down his spine, he forced his attention back to his surroundings, to the incredible dragon blood trees towering over the stable, providing shade from the warm afternoon sun. The King's going to kill me, isn't he?
Riding over the Tabantha Great Bridge was, for the first time, terrifying to him. His imagination worked actively against him, presenting all the various scenarios that could have led the Princess to her death at the bottom of the Tanagar Canyon so far below. Falling off her horse, an assassin pushing her over the edge of the bridge, walking alongside her horse and losing her balance and falling -
Desperate, once he and Choice were safely on the other side, he spurred her into a full gallop and thanked the Goddesses for such a loyal horse. Choice's dark brown coat was damp and practically steaming; saliva foamed at her mouth but she didn't slow, hooves tearing at the grassy ground beneath them. Link crouched over her back, teeth clenched, his heart aching with guilt for what he was putting her through.
We'll take our time on the way back - the Princess couldn't possibly handle a pace like this; it'll all be better when we go back - I'm so sorry!
When the trail turned away to the northeast, Link slowed Choice's pace and guided her westward off the main trail, to a much smaller path that wasn't on the map, leading up the Rayne Highlands to the Ancient Columns. His heart hammering with anticipation and hope, he led his mare around the western end of the hills and then upwards, following the trail as it climbed higher and higher. Choice's head drooped and he stroked her neck, murmuring thanks and an apology, promising her as many carrots and apples and sugar cubes as she could possibly want when they returned.
The path became more treacherous, and yet more clearly defined, the farther they went. Once, perhaps, it had been a fully-paved cobblestone road leading to some sort of grand temple. Now, the stones were chipped and broken, making for uneven, dangerous ground. Link kept his eyes down, carefully guiding Choice over the smoothest areas. I hope the Princess didn't injure her horse…
As if prompted by the very thought, he heard a whinny from the top of the hill. Straightening as if electrified, he squinted and could just make out the form of a regal white stallion looking their direction with ears swivelled forward. Delighted, he urged Choice into a canter, hope searing his soul. She's here! Or somewhere around here. Or was here at some point…
With a racing heart, he spotted a familiar blue hovering near the pedestal of an ancient shrine. The Princess!
The relief that shot through him then was so strong that his limbs felt suddenly infused with chu jelly and he barely stopped himself from keeling over. Quickly he dropped from Choice's back and jogged towards his charge, forcing himself to maintain his impassive mask instead of beaming from ear to ear.
She strode to meet him with her fingers curled into tight fists; it was clear that she did not share even an inkling of his excitement. Her shoulders were stiff and her eyes narrowed dangerously. "I thought I made it quite clear that I was not in need of an escort," she snapped, placing her hands on her hips and shaking her head in frustration. "It seems I'm the only one with a mind of my own! I, the person in question, am fine. Regardless of the King's orders." Eyeing him with palpable disgust that quickly stifled the joy that had filled him at seeing her unharmed, she inhaled deeply and brushed past him. "Return to the castle. And tell that to my father, please."
Link stared after her, confused, as she walked purposefully back towards her horse. She makes it sound like she won't be coming with me.
That's… unacceptable.
Fighting the guilt and regret burning within him at the sight of her so unhappy because of him, he jogged after her, determined to at least do what he had come out here to do.
She stopped, releasing an audible sigh before she whirled around, her face twisted into a furious scowl. "And stop following me!" she yelled, her voice uncharacteristically hard as steel.
Link blinked several times, feeling his own frustration building. It's my job, he forced himself not to retort. Instead, taking a deep breath in an effort to calm himself, he said, "Everyone's worried about you back at the castle. I'm here to bring you back."
Her eyes narrowed. "No. We're going to Gerudo Desert, Sir Link."
Link blinked several times, stunned. Wetting his lips, he tried to collect himself. "If we left now it would take us four days to get there," he protested. "I left in a bit of a rush - I don't have the proper supplies for such a journey. Forgive me, Your Highness, but… what is so important that it cannot wait for us to -"
"I would like to ensure that Divine Beast Vah Naboris is functioning properly, and I would like to visit my friend," the Princess sneered, rage twisting her features cruelly. "Something which you clearly cannot possibly understand! And you never will! For you are the most unbearable, arrogant, annoying oaf of a man I've ever met!" Her voice had gotten considerably higher, and her eyes more watery, with every word she spoke, and she jerked her face away from him, raising her hand to her cheek. "We're going to Gerudo Desert, and that is final. If you refuse, I will have you severely punished for insubordination. The choice is yours - come with me and see that I am safe -" she all but spat the word out, looking as if it was the most disgusting notion she'd ever considered - "or return to the castle and deliver my message to my father. I would much prefer the latter."
Link stood stock still for a moment, hardly comprehending what she was saying.
'I would like to visit my friend. Something which you clearly cannot possibly understand and never will.'
Friend. The word ricocheted around and around in his mind as his breath and pulse quickened. Friend.
She's right - I have none. Unless horses count. Unless a gruff sort of father figure counts. Both of which I'll probably lose the moment I submit my report of… all this.
He couldn't bring himself to speak as he returned to Choice and hopped up into the saddle, following the Princess back down through the Rayne Highlands. She really got me there, didn't she.
Her words had been painfully accurate and more cutting than anything else ever said to him.
Of course he was unbearable; how long could anyone hope to maintain sanity in his presence, when he unintentionally made other people feel afraid or threatened?
Of course he was arrogant; he recognized that he was good - possibly the best there was - at wielding a sword, and that was arrogance, wasn't it?
Of course he was annoying; he had shadowed the Princess every step she took over the past several months. It must have been infuriating.
'You clearly cannot possibly understand and never will.'
Was she right? Will I never have any sort of true human friend?
Loneliness seemed to close in on him, trapping him in a claustrophobically tiny dark space, isolated, alone, with no one to hear and no one to care. A forest of blackness with no company but monsters.
He hadn't thought about his parents in a long time, but now he found himself wondering why his parents had taken him to that place as a three year old. Were they killed trying to abandon me? It wasn't uncommon; he had heard tales of such things happening. Families too poor to look after their child would leave them on the roadside in hopes that some traveller might take pity, or in hopes that the child would be granted a quick, merciful death and thus escape a painful life of hunger, fear, and shame.
And every once in a while, there was word of a child who was abandoned simply because it wasn't wanted, usually a product of some terrible betrayal. Among the wealthy, there had even been stories of children abandoned simply because of a jealous sibling wanting to keep their parents' wealth for themselves.
Most of such children had indeed been found. Raised as servants by generous noblemen, raised in an orphanage, or more rarely, raised - as Link had been - by the military, to become a soldier.
He wondered now if it would have been far better to be taken to an orphanage. There would have been children around my age, right? I could have… made friends?
Guilt pierced his soul. It was ungrateful to think such things. Captain Janin had done so much for him. Link wasn't about to throw it all back in his face by wishing all of that away.
The Princess decided they would stop for the night at the Tabantha Stable, and then in the morning head out for the desert. Link hoped she would change her mind and relent to returning to the castle, but even the mere thought sparked self-directed disgust in his soul. You heard what she said - you don't understand what it's like to miss a friend, do you? It's better to let her do this.
...Right?
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Guest Reviews
Chicwa88: I'm glad you liked that word choice, haha! I felt it definitely summed her up! And I'm glad you liked the less-hostile moments in this one (hold on to your hat; it gets worse before it gets better)! ( :